Episode 4 In the Club

I've had a baby in the toilet.

Why did you let her jump on the bed? She's three.

The council are revoking your childminding licence.

'I don't know why you're saying it was my fault.'

-Surprise!

-Molly!

Wow, what are you doing here?

'He came into my bathroom last night and he said some really inappropriate things.'

You could have your old job back.

Are you having second thoughts, love?

'I don't know.'

# Thinking what a wonderful world

# Yeah

# Thinking what a wonderful world

# Ooh, ooh

# Watching as the colours light the earth

# Thinking what a wonderful world

# Yeah

# Thinking what a wonderful world

# Ooh. #

RICK ASTLEY PLAYS ON HEADPHONES

# Tell a lie and hurt you... #

PHONE RINGS

# Oo-o-oh... #

SHE GASPS Shit!

PHONE RINGS Frightened me to death.

It keeps ringing.

-Thought it might be Shelly.

-Oh. Cheers, love.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, my God. Three missed calls from Micky.

Oh, what's he ringing you for? Thought it was all over.

No, we're going to try again. He's coming home soon.

Oh, shit, no.

Oh, no, he can't - not today.

-What? What's the matter?

-I'm not ready.

No. Erm, I'm going to have to go.

Maxine...

What about the guest bathroom and the kitchen?

I'm sorry, love.

I've got things to do.

No, we might be bringing the baby home tonight.

I've got things to sort out.

I'll see you later at the hospital.

Changing mat, nappies...

You can't just leave the house any more.

When you have a baby,

it's a military operation.

..teething biscuits...

'It's the twins' birthday today.

'I can't believe it's a year since she had them.'

..change of clothes...

-'Then it'll be Emily in a month's time.'

-..Calpol...

'It only seems like yesterday they were all born.

'But then, I can't imagine my life without them.'

..Snuggle Bear? Where the hell's Snuggle Bear?

-What did I do before?

-Before what?

Nothing, I'm just...

Oh, you're just writing your blog, are you?

-You know, I could do with a hand.

-Nearly finished.

-Do we really need to take this potty?

-Yeah, well, we've made a start.

But she hasn't done anything in it yet, has she?

No, but we've introduced it. We're just getting her used to it.

-If we sit her on it every time we change her...

-OK, OK, potty's in.

Going to need a trailer soon, at this rate.

'Yes, we will.' SHE CHUCKLES

Right, erm...nappies.

-Four each.

-It's rubbish - it doesn't even do anything.

That's because it's for a baby - it's Zack's present.

-Change of clothes?

-One each, and two bibs.

Mum, I'm sorry for letting Mia play on the bed.

It's not your fault, Ellie.

What's going to happen? Will we have to go live with Nana?

I don't know, darling, but you don't have to worry about it.

-OK, they're both ready, let's go while they're still clean.

-Do you think we need to take the buggy?

Yeah, we could do, in case they fall asleep.

-We'll put it in the car.

-All right. OK.

-BOTH:

-Come on, kids.

-Come on.

(OK.)

SHE SIGHS

BABY GURGLES

LETTERBOX RATTLES

BABY GURGLES

SHE SIGHS

BABY SINGS

SHE SIGHS

BABY GURGLES

I don't understand what job this is.

Well, it's sort of what I used to do before.

Right. But what company?

I thought you told me the last couple of interviews didn't go very well.

It's not a... It's not a job that I interviewed for.

-What, they just offered you it?

-Well, that's the thing, Si -

-I didn't interview for it because it's my old...

-Here we are.

All ready for his first party.

Doesn't he look smart, Mummy?

Yeah, it's a really lovely outfit, Emma, thank you.

Right, got to go.

They've got a baby coming in the afternoon, and they're going to want me out the way.

If you're taking the car, how will we get to the twins' party?

-I need to take the car, it's got my stuff in it.

-Well, I can take you.

In fact, I can stay with you, if you'd like.

Good idea, Mum. Thanks. Right, got to go.

-Si? Si?

-Yeah?

What about this job?

It's up to you.

If that's what you want, I think it's great.

Let it out round about the 12th.

Listen, guys, I'm going to have a shower.

I'll see you back in...

I'll catch up in a bit.

Just seen a mate of mine.

Hey.

Not working today?

Day off.

Congratulations on the captaincy.

Thank you.

It's going to be a year of dinners and speeches.

Certainly is.

I caught the end of your speech the other night.

I was in the bar, bumped into my ex.

Or should I say OUR ex?

DOOR CLOSES

(Excuse me.)

It's...

It's amazing how that's turned out.

She's with my son, Simon.

-We've...

-So I gather they're living with you?

Yeah, it's only temporary while you guys find sort out your finances.

-But she seems happy enough.

-Oh... she's not happy, Jonathan.

She's not happy at all.

She's pissed off with you coming on to her.

What?

That's what she told you?

OK, erm...

well, she's flattering herself.

As if I would do anything like that in my own home.

She's with my son,

she's the mother of my grandchild.

It's complicated enough as it is. I already feel like I'm

treading on eggshells whenever I see her.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

I mean, it would only take a word to your son, or to Emma,

and your marriage'd be over.

Oh, now, that feels a little bit like deja vu.

It was over more than 20 years ago.

-And I was in love with her.

-Sure.

And that's the reason you forgot to tell her you had a wife and son?

You were a player, Jonathan.

Always was, always will be.

-Now, she'll be out of the house as of next week...

-Mm-hm.

..but in the meantime, if you go near her,

or make her feel uncomfortable, I will kill you.

Oh.

I'm shaking in my shoes(!)

MUFFLED CRYING

-He's coming along nicely, in't he?

-Yeah.

I can't believe how much he's grown.

-He's completely changed.

-They do at that age.

Go in - I'm sure they'll let you say goodbye to him.

-Where's he going?

-They're his new foster parents.

-They're taking him home tomorrow.

-Really?

-Yeah,

they're a lovely couple. Been trying for one of their own,

had IVF and everything, but it didn't work.

-What about his mother? Didn't they ever find her?

-No, it's a shame.

Sometimes they turn up, but not this time.

He's a really lovely little baby.

BABY CRIES

-FOSTER MOTHER:

-He's a lovely little boy.

There's some beautiful stuff for girls,

but there's hardly anything for boys.

And all the stuff for boys that's nice, it's all got footballs on the front of it.

I don't want to buy him anything with footballs.

This is my absolute favourite, though.

-BABY COOS

-He's never going to get to wear all that lot.

Course he will. They get through loads of clothes, don't they,

cos they puke and poo all the time!

Oh, look at his little face.

I'm sure he smiled at me just then.

It's wind.

So where's Nathan?

He's got this artist bloke coming round this afternoon.

He wants to show him where he wants some picture hanging,

then he'll be straight down here to pick up Sebastian.

Seb, or Sebby.

Sebastian sounds stuck-up.

I don't know if they'll let him home today, cos I've been expressing me milk for him.

Well, we could take...that with us.

And we've got loads of formula at home.

I just hope he likes it.

Well, he'll have to get used to it.

There's no point in being here, is there?

Because there's nothing wrong with him.

It's just you - you've got high blood pressure.

No-one gives a toss about me any more.

-That's not true, Shelley.

-When do I get paid t'rest of me money?

Oh, my God, I had to wait half an hour for a bus.

-How is he?

-Got another three outfits,

and you might like to know my blood pressure's still high.

Right.

I thought you were back this afternoon.

Oh, yeah, sorry, I had to leave your cleaning

cos Micky's on his way home.

Me dad's coming home today?

Yeah, be flying into Schiphol Airport right now.

I've got things to sort out.

I can't believe he's coming home after all this time.

13 month and two days.

Anyway, I need to have a private word with me daughter, is that OK?

Course, I'll just take him for a little walk down the corridor.

You've already taken him for a walk.

Why don't you just go home and come back later wi' Nathan?

I think she just needs a little bit of space, you know.

(You don't think she's changed her mind, do you?)

(No, no, no, no.

(You're just crowding her, being here all the time.

(Putting too much pressure on her.)

-Well, you know best.

-(Yeah.)

You're her mum.

Bye-bye.

My beautiful little boy.

I'll be back soon to pick you up with your other daddy, won't I?

Take you home?

Well, I'll...

I'll see you later, Shelly.

See ya.

God, he's doing my bloody head in.

He's bought him all this stuff, and he's made me put that one on him,

and it's bloody horrible. He's mental.

Are you having second thoughts, love?

About what?

About giving him away.

About Nathan and Andrew bringing him up?

No.

I need money, Mam.

And that thing you said about all these feelings just washing over me?

Well, didn't happen.

Hm. I don't understand that. It happened with all of mine.

I want to get me beauty bar going and pay me loans off.

And I want to go out with me mates and feel...normal again.

I don't want to be stuck in with a baby - I'd go off me head.

I'm too young. And anyway, even if I did want him,

I could never give him the life that Nathan and Andrew can.

SHE EXHALES The thing is, Shelly...

-What?

-You know the baby that were abandoned?

I knew this were coming - you want her adopting, don't you?

No, no, I can't. Your dad's coming home,

we want to make a clean start.

No, but the thing is...

What? What are you try to say, Mam? Spit it out.

Listen...

-You know when I went to Ibiza with Liz and Jan?

-Yeah.

Well, I went a bit crazy.

You don't say(!)

And I think I must have...

SHE SIGHS

(I think I must have got pregnant.)

Pregnant?

But that...that were ages ago.

Did you have an abortion or summat?

(No.)

No, love.

I didn't know I were pregnant.

I thought I'd gone into early menopause.

Until I had him...

(in the hospital toilet.)

Sorry, I don't know what...

-SHE GASPS

-Oh, my God.

-Shh-shh-shh.

No way, Mam.

(Little Louis is your baby?)

That's completely mental. Oh, my God.

-Who've you told?

-Nobody.

Just you. I didn't know what to do. I just panicked, you know?

I knew your dad were coming home in a couple of weeks. I didn't know...

I didn't know how to explain it to him.

So who's baby is it?

I don't know.

I feel awful, but the truth is...

I lost count.

I just flipped after your dad left, you know?

He's the only man I have ever loved.

(And I just...

(Well, I just freaked out, you know?)

You know what I was like after he left. I just... I just...wasn't thinking straight.

I just...can't believe you didn't

know you were pregnant and you had him in t'toilet.

I had those pains all night, do you remember?

I'd taken those laxatives, and I thought I had griping pains?

(And then my waters broke when I sat on the toilet.)

I felt summat, and I thought I'd had a prolapse,

-but it were his head.

-Oh, my God.

That's totally gross.

Well, it's the truth.

You need to tell someone, Mam.

Well, I can't, otherwise your dad'll find out!

But you need someone to have a look at you,

make sure everything's all right down below,

your...fanny and everything.

No, listen.

Shell...

what I NEED...

(is for us to swap babies.)

-What?

-(Yeah.)

Some couple are going to foster little Louis,

and I'll never see him again.

But if we swap 'em, then Nathan and Andrew will take him home,

and I'll see him three times a week when I'm cleaning.

You can't do that.

What'll happen to Sebby?

Well, he'll go to this lovely couple.

This lovely couple, and he'll have a lovely home, and you'll still get your money, and...

(and your dad'll be none the wiser.)

But...

but...

but Sebby's my...baby.

Yeah, but you're going to give him to the lads anyway.

(So what's the difference?)

The only thing wrong with having the painting here

is that the light would be directly on it.

That's why I want it so bright.

You know, a statement piece.

It will fade in time - it won't be as vibrant.

Oh, I'll be bored with it by then.

To be honest with you, we're not planning on stopping here forever.

Right. I thought you moved in couple of years ago.

We did. But...you know, things have changed.

We've got a baby to think about, we'll need a playroom and a garden eventually...

What are you doing back? I thought I was going to meet you down there.

I had to come home. I was so upset.

-I can't handle her!

-OK...

I'll be with you in a minute. Erm...

if you just want to measure up,

and I will take a proper look at the sketches.

What is it?

I know she's going to change her mind.

She can't, Andrew.

We've already paid her three grand

and we've got a verbal contract.

That means nothing, Nathan. It's not going to stand up in a court of law. We can't force her to hand him over.

OK, calm down. Why do you think she's going to back out?

-She's his natural mother - course they're going to take her side.

-And we're his natural fathers.

At least one of us is.

Look, she needs the money, Andrew.

And she's not going to get the balance until she hands Sebastian over.

Well, that's another thing.

She keeps calling him Sebby, and I hate that.

It doesn...doesn't matter what she calls him!

Just bite your tongue until we've got him.

I suppose I shouldn't have gone to the hospital on me own.

No. Probably not.

-I just wanted to see him again.

-I know.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Good.

NATHAN INHALES

Deep breath. Deep breath and we'll go down there this afternoon, OK?

All smiles.

INTRO TO SONG: Are you ready?

Are you ready for the big, bad shake? Come on!

The last words he said to me were, "Take the job."

Yeah, but he wouldn't be saying that

if he knew it was Ray that was offering you it.

The thing is, it's the only job I've been offered. Must've had six or seven interviews.

-As soon as they know I've got an 11-month-old son, their eyes just glaze over.

-Well, don't tell them?

Yeah, I thought about that and then I thought, why should I lie?

Oh, God! You'd feel so compromised starting work with your ex-husband.

It would be like me working with Susie.

I feel compromised anyway living with Si's parents.

-At least it would get me out of the house.

-Are they that bad?

She seems...quite nice.

Yeah, Emma is. It's the dad that's the problem.

Mm, is he a bit of a lech?

It's complicated.

I'm waiting...

We used to work together years ago, before I was married to Ray.

We had a bit of a fling.

-No way. You and Simon's dad?

-Please don't look so shocked, Kim.

It happens. Of course, I didn't know Simon was his son

when he knocked on the door selling his paintings.

My God! Roanna!

Oh! How long did you...?

Couple of months, that's all.

As soon as I found out he was married with a son I finished it.

In fact, it was Ray that told me. We used to handle their account.

I left two weeks later.

-Do you know what? I'm going to have to go.

-Where to?

Well, er, I booked a facial before I remembered it was the twins' party.

Emma's going to watch Sonny so I'd better make sure she's OK.

You know Diane... She can't do childminding any more.

-They took her licence off her.

-Bloody hell! That's a bit steep.

-Yeah, it's not right.

-She's going to appeal, but, you know...

-We could all write in if you want?

-Yeah.

-Cheers.

Well, she sent an e-mail saying she wouldn't leave them with me again

and it was an emergency. We'll just have to wait and see.

All back to square one. You know, me looking for a job.

-Well, listen. Your probation officer can help with that.

-He hasn't yet.

-He's probably waiting for you to settle back in.

-Yeah.

Mr Camfield told me himself that I'm suspended

pending the coroner's report.

He made it sound like he was doing me a favour. "You've been under considerable stress."

I felt like saying, "It's you stressing me out!"

-What did he mean?

-I don't know.

-But he knew about Chris not being here...

-What's that got to do with it?

It's ridiculous. They're short-staffed as it is.

-I feel like it's my fault.

-It's not.

If anyone's to blame it's Chris. Me mam's right.

He should be here helping me like he said he would.

If it weren't for you and her, I...wouldn't be able to cope.

But I'm not going to be able to look after Ben any more, am I?

It's a good job I've been suspended then, cos I don't know what I'd do.

Well, you don't know what will happen when they read your e-mail.

-Probably chuck it in t'bin.

-Summat will work out.

-Yeah.

I keep thinking that about me and Chris.

-When's he coming back?

-I don't know.

Last I heard, he texted me and said he was in Singapore.

I thought he'd bought you a ring, proposed,

-said he wanted to look after you...

-Yeah, he did.

He bought me a ring and then he set off to find this woman

he married for a green card so that he could divorce her,

flew to the South of France because someone said she was working there.

He never came back.

They don't sell wine here, do they? I just fancy a glass.

-No, just soft drinks.

-Oh! Emily's transfixed.

I'll be getting the number off you for her party.

I know, I used to have Ellie and Sam's parties at home

but it's just too hard.

I'm sorry to hear about you losing your childminding licence.

It's all right. I've appealed but I don't hold out much hope.

Sorry, I'll have to shoot.

It's a lovely party, but I've got an appointment and I can't get out of it.

-Emma's going to stay and look after Sonny. Is that OK?

-Of course.

-It's fine.

-Thanks. Are you OK?

-Fine. I felt fine before.

They think it's worked so we'll just have to wait and see.

Still got two heartbeats, though. MESSAGE ALARM

We'll have to have a girlie get-together soon.

I've got loads to tell you. I'll see you soon.

ALL: See you.

-She makes me bloody sick.

-She makes YOU sick?

Try being pregnant 18 months on the trot!

-I've forgotten what me feet look like!

-She looks amazing.

I don't know how she does it.

A 28-year-old lover and loads of help?

Ooh, yeah! That'd do it!

I'm just going to pop to the toilet.

Are you, er...going to meet him?

Who?

-Simon's dad.

-God, no!

Where are you off to, then?

You don't put perfume on to go for a facial.

-It's not what you think.

-I don't know WHAT to think.

You're not really in a position to judge, Kim.

Drive.

Where to? Hotel or the house? Katie's staying over at a friend's.

Let's go home.

BABY CRIES

How is he doing?

Fine.

He shouldn't really be in here now, but he's leaving us tomorrow.

I know. I think he's hungry.

-He keeps trying to put me finger in his mouth.

-He's due his feed.

-Do you want me to give him his bottle?

-That would be great.

I need to change Abby's IV.

-Ah, bless him! He's soaking wet. Shall I change him first?

-Thanks.

-There's some clothes out there by the changing mat.

-All right.

Ohh!

Come on, then. Come on, my little baby lamb. Yeah.

Let's get you into some nice dry clothes, yeah?

And we'll get you some milk. Yeah.

Are they nice people that are taking him, foster parents?

-They're lovely. He'll be well looked after.

-Yeah.

Come on.

OK...

BABY CRIES

OK. OK.

SHE SIGHS

(I'll take them.)

-If we get found out we'll get so done.

-Who's going to find out?

I can hardly tell the difference and I gave birth to him!

Come on, then.

-Hang on a minute.

-What?

Ta-ra, little 'un.

SHE SNIFFS

Have a nice life.

Love you.

It's hard for me and all, Shell. He's my first grandson.

(Come on.)

Well, go if you're going.

Hello, little bro.

-All clean!

-If he's pooed, can you tick his chart?

-Oh, yeah.

I tell you what, he's really changed over the last couple of days.

I know, as soon as they start feeding properly they change from day to day.

-I hope they treat him well.

-Don't you worry, they'll be vetting them.

They don't give just anybody a brand-new baby. Sit down.

-I'll grab you his bottle.

-Right.

ALL: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, Hope and Zack

# Happy birthday to you. #

Happy birthday!

-CHEERING

-Say cheese.

-Can I blow the candle out?

-It's not your birthday.

-Oh, God!

-What?

-Nothing.

Hiya.

Just got here in time for the cake.

You missed the jelly and ice cream, though. I've gone off ice cream.

-I'm onto pickled gherkins now.

-Right. Where's Ro?

-She slipped off.

-I think she had a facial she couldn't get out of.

-Right.

-So your mum offered to watch Sonny.

-She didn't mention anything.

Yeah, I think she thought she could cancel it, so...

Yeah, sometimes if you don't give them enough notice

you have to pay for it anyway.

Right.

-You've gone all red. What's going on?

-I can't tell you.

-Kim!

Honestly, she made me promise.

BABY CRIES

Come on, sweetheart. Come on.

What's the matter with him?

He usually drinks his bottle straight off.

-Maybe it's too cold.

-He doesn't usually bother what it's like.

BABY CONTINUES TO CRY

Come on!

Come on, sweetheart.

SONG: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

-Hello, darling!

-So Ro's gone for a facial?

-Yeah, I think so.

But we've been having lots of fun and games.

And this place is absolutely brilliant. MESSAGE ALERT

It keeps all the mess out of the house.

Awww.

-I don't want you to make love to him any more.

-Ray, I...

-It kills me when I think of you with him.

-Ray, I can't promise you that.

-He's...

-What? A better lover than me?

-No!

-Different.

-Younger? More virile?

But not as experienced.

-Oh, my God!

-Katie!

-Shit!

Katie!

Katie, please don't walk out. Let me explain.

-What the hell are you doing with Mum?

-What do you think we're doing?

Ugh!

You're supposed to be staying at Izzy's.

I came home to get my dress cos we've decided to go out tonight.

I'm sorry if I interrupted you shagging!

Hey! Don't speak like that in front of us.

We're your parents. Have some respect.

Like you respect my feelings!

We've been together a long time and still have feelings...

-It's so embarrassing!

-Why? I thought this would make you happy.

-I thought this was what you wanted.

-Well, it's not.

It's just a shock. I didn't expect THAT, and...

Well...I've just got used to you not being here and being with Simon.

-Now everything's going to change again.

-And what about me?

You're not concerned about what I want, Katie?

SHE SIGHS

I've never got used to your mum not being here.

There isn't a day goes by that I don't miss her,

wish she was back here with us, with our family.

Listen, Katie, everything is not going to change again.

What if she comes back and then leaves us again?

That's not going to happen, darling. It's not.

We didn't plan for this to happen.

Who knows what the future will bring, but I promise you this,

the last thing I want to do is to unsettle you again.

Every day I wanted you to come home.

I used to look out the window

praying I'd see you walk down the street, but you didn't.

You didn't even call or text me for the first three days

and I didn't know where you'd gone or anything.

-I'm so sorry.

-No!

BLENDER WHIZZES

How long does a facial take?

She might have met up with one of her friends.

Have you tried her mobile again?

I left her three messages. Her battery's properly run down.

She might have turned it off on purpose. Who knows?

She might have a secret rendezvous!

Oh, Jonathan, would you stop winding him up?

You know what they say, if she's done it once...

Well, I think that is a horrible thing to say.

-She was in a very unhappy marriage.

-How do you know?

-It's what she tells us, but have you met him?

-Yeah, he's a prick.

Oh, that's enough. For heaven's sake, what's the matter with you?!

-He knows I'm joking, don't you?

-Yeah, of course I do.

I hope that's not all gin, Jonathan.

I think you've had quite enough to drink for tonight.

Only just getting started.

I might head off if that's all right with you, Mum?

Of course. Where are you going?

Molly invited us to Cellar Bar tonight.

-She's leaving for Florence tomorrow.

-She's only just come back home!

Well...don't worry about Sonny.

You know we'll look after him and put him to bed.

-Of course we will.

-And take no notice of your father.

I am sure that Roanna hasn't rung

-because she thought you'd be working late.

-So did I.

Listen, I'm going to head off.

-If Ro comes back, just tell her where I am.

-No problem at all!

Will you be OK walking across the park?

Yeah, I'll be in the house in ten minutes.

The rest of your settlement went into the account this morning,

so you can buy a house.

-You don't have to live under that bastard's roof any more.

-Thank you.

I love you, Roanna.

Thank you.

You don't have to thank me.

I just needed to tell you because I can't go on like this.

It's too painful.

Every time you leave me it's like my whole body aches for you.

I don't want to be your lover, seeing you whenever you can sneak out.

I want to be with you properly.

I want us to live together again, be a family. I'll do whatever it takes.

I'll bring up Sonny as my own.

-What are you saying, Ray?

-I won't contact you again.

You've got the settlement now. You choose what you want to do.

-No, I can't choose.

-Yes, you can.

You chose to leave me, to walk away from your family.

Now you have to choose whether you want to come back or not.

Ring me, text me, anywhere, any time. I'll come and pick you up.

Why are you doing this? Why are you forcing it?

-Because I can't do anything else.

-You've had lovers before, Ray.

-I've never...

-Yes, you have.

-What about Sandra?

-Not whilst we were together.

I swear on Katie and Kyle's life I never laid a finger on her

or anyone until you left.

-Is that true?

-I've got no reason to lie. Not now. I let you think...

-I had to try and make you jealous.

-Make me jealous?

To prove that you still cared for me.

I love one woman. Always have, always will.

It's quite simple, I need to be with you.

-How can I leave you now?

-You don't have to. We can just go home.

-I can't, Ray.

-Please, don't...

-I can't do this, Ray.

Idiot!

Roanna!

-Sorry.

-I can't do it, Ray.

-I don't want to hurt you.

I'm so frightened of messing everything up again.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I just want to be with you.

HE SOBS

BABY CRIES

He don't look like him.

He does. They've both got the same nose as you and me.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull this off, Mam.

I swear to God, Andrew never stopped looking at him. He'll know.

BABY CRIES

All right. Shh!

Come on, love. That's it. Come on. Shh...

So, the key is to keep everything professional.

-This is a business transaction.

-I'll just let you handle it all.

That's right, and don't start gushing over the baby in front of her.

-I'm not!

-Plenty of time for that once we get him home.

And she can call him anything she wants.

Seb, Sebby, Rumpelstiltskin, it doesn't matter.

-Once she's cashed the cheque...

-Have you got it?

-Of course I have!

It's in an envelope, which I'll hand to her very discreetly as we leave.

Then she's going to come with us to register the birth and,

after that, we'll set some ground rules.

-OK?

-Whatever you say, Nathan.

If we pull this off it'll be a bloody miracle.

Why didn't you just fess up and tell me dad it were his fault for leaving you?

Cos I want us to have a fresh start, and I told him

I'd been faithful, that I hadn't so much as looked at another man.

-Don't want him thinking I'm some kind of slag.

-You're not!

-Well...you are a bit.

-Oh, thanks, love!

I suppose you just went off your head after he left.

Why didn't you go on the pill or use summat?

Cos I'm barmy, that's why.

How'd you think I had you and your brothers?

We didn't plan you, you just happened.

Oh, shit! They're here and they've brought more flowers.

-Hiya.

-We brought you some gifts just to say thank you.

Oh, that's lovely, but you didn't have to.

I know, but we wanted to.

Is Vicky around, cos we brought her some chocolates

-because she was so supportive.

-Oh, Vicky's been...

It's her day off, but you can leave them with me

and I'll make sure she gets them.

Yeah.

He's a little bobby-dazzler. Make sure you enjoy every minute of it.

-Bless!

-Thank you.

-Aw, you're welcome. See you, lovely!

Hello! So sorry we're late. Traffic was really bad.

-How are you, Shelly?

-All right.

-Good, good.

You look fantastic now you're not carrying that big bump around.

-I'm sorry about racing off this morning...

-Oh, it's all right.

Don't worry about it. Everything's a bit chaotic at the moment.

I thought I'd pop round tomorrow if that's all right?

No, honestly, don't worry. We've rung an agency...

Just for the next couple of weeks while we all get back on track.

-You didn't have to do that.

-No, I know.

-We just thought with your husband coming home you might want to spend a bit of time with him and...

-Right.

-So, where's the little fella?

-He's in his crib!

Aw! Hello.

Hello, you've got both your daddies here now.

We're going in the car. Going to take you home.

THEY GUSH

Do you know, I think his face has changed a bit.

-Yeah, they do at this age, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. That's his milky face.

I've just fed him.

Oh, he's still gorgeous!

Look, that's that outfit I got him this morning from Harvey Nicks.

THEY CHUCKLE

-I've packed all t'other ones in his bag.

-Right.

-Andrew, do you want to get him in his car seat?

-Er, yeah.

If... If that's all right?

And, Shelly,

we will see you sometime this week to register his birth, yeah?

Yeah, whatever.

There's a load of leaflets in one of them bags about cot deaths

and feeding and stuff like that

and there's a couple of numbers you might find useful. Shall I just...

Yeah. Oh, er... Community midwife will be visiting tomorrow.

-I've given her your number. I hope that's all right.

-Yeah, course.

I thought I might be there, but... if you've rang an agency now...

So, er...is he ready?

Er, I think so.

Right, well, we'd better be off, then.

Right, I thought maybe we could all...

You know, walk down together and say ta-ra at the car or summat.

No, I think it's best that we do it here.

Shelly, I almost forgot.

It's more than we discussed,

but I know how much you want to get your beauty bar up and running

again...and it reflects what an amazing thing you've done for us.

No amount of money can repay you for carrying

-and giving birth to our son.

-We... We never thought we'd have a baby.

We thought about adopting, didn't we?

-Yes, we did.

-But it... it didn't work out.

And I'm so glad, because we've got Sebastian now

-and he really is ours and...

-Yeah...

-I just think it's incredible what...

-Yes! OK.

So, we'll be in touch, Shelly, and you've got both our numbers.

If you want to ring us or text us, just feel free.

Right.

-Yes?

-Yeah.

Can I just, erm... just say goodbye properly?

ANDREW GULPS

Bye-bye, my little darlin'.

I love you.

(Aw! Come on. Come on.)

Bye.

BABY CRIES

No, no, you can't take him!

-Mam, don't!

-He's not yours.

-Oh, God!

You can't take him!

Listen, I know this is upsetting for you...

-What's the matter?

-No, no, he's not your baby. You don't understand.

You've got the wrong baby!

Come on, love. I know it's your grandchild, but it's what Shelly wanted.

No, it's not Sebastian!

It's my baby!

I had him in the toilet!

I didn't know I was pregnant and then I pretended he was abandoned!

-That's it now, you've blown everything.

-I don't understand what you're trying to say.

Can't do it, Shelly. I thought I could do it, but I can't!

His name's Louis.

They called him that.

I'm all right with it. I think it suits him.

So, you're saying that this is not Sebastian?

Yeah.

-It's not the baby that Shelly gave birth to?

-Yeah.

Oh, my Lord!

I knew it! I knew something like this was going to happen!

Where's Sebastian?

He's in neo-natal.

I swapped them.

-Where's neo-natal?

-It's down there.

He's in Louis' crib!

What were you thinking?

What a bloody mess!

I'm sorry, I just couldn't let them take him!

I'm so sorry!

Hi.

Where's Simon?

Out with Molly and a few of their art-school friends.

-You're invited, though I think you might feel a bit...

-Old?

Well, I was going to say...

out of your depth, artistically.

Your son's in bed.

-Emma's reading him a story.

-Great.

-Good facial?

-Sorry?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Very good, thank you.

Took long enough.

Just out of interest,

what have you been saying to your ex about me?

Nothing.

That's interesting, because he threatened me.

Seemed to think I'd been coming on to you.

-It was all a bit embarrassing, to tell you the truth.

-Sorry.

He's probably just being a bit protective.

And why would he be if you're taking him to the cleaners?

I'm not taking him to the cleaners. That money's rightfully mine. And if you remember,

-he's always been protective towards me.

-He wasn't being protective.

He just wanted what I had.

You never had me, Jonathan.

I didn't have anything to do with it. It were all me mam's idea.

I just went along with it!

But you must have given your mother that sailor suit I bought him, and the hat, cos...

It doesn't matter, Andrew. We've got him now.

How do we know this is Sebastian?

They've cut his band off.

Of course it's Sebby.

If you loved him that much, you'd know it were him.

Of course I love him.

-I just don't know how you could do something like that after everything we've done for you.

-Andrew, please.

And what about what I've done for you?

I can change me mind, you know!

If you could just keep your voices down. Some of these babies are quite poorly.

A team leader will be with you soon.

I'm sorry.

I don't think we need a scan.

Cervix and breasts both confirm she's postpartum.

-We should run some blood tests to be safe.

-I can organise that.

Can I take him now?

No, I'm afraid you can't.

We need to make sure you're a fit person to have him.

What? That's bloody ridiculous.

-He... He's mine and I'm taking him...

-You abandoned him.

-You left him in a toilet cubicle.

-No, I didn't.

I gave birth to him in the toilet.

Then I wrapped him in me coat and I made sure he was safe and warm.

-We need to make sure he's not at risk...

-I left him in the maternity wing of a bloody hospital.

What better place is there?

-I'm taking him.

-No, you're not.

-Yes, I... Get off me!

I'm sorry, but we'll have to ring security if you continue like this.

-Come on, love. They're only doing their job.

-We can't let you take him

until we are confident you can look after him.

Course I can bloody look after him! I've brought three kids up!

Can I just say something?

Maxine has seen Louis every day since he was born.

Yeah, that is right. I have seen him every day!

I have fed him, changed his nappy, made sure he was all right!

I ju...

I don't know what made me say he wasn't mine! I just...

I think it was the shock. You know, I didn't know I were pregnant.

I didn't know. I thought I'd gone into early menopause like me mam.

She... She started the change at 42. I think I just panicked!

And I split up with my husband nearly 14 months ago

and it just went a bit crazy after that!

And now he's coming home and he wants to try again and so do I!

You do know it's a criminal offence to abandon a baby under two years old?

Watch my lips, love! I didn't abandon him!

-I'm sorry, but you didn't own up to the fact...

-Can I just butt in again?

You would have had to have gone into the neo-natal unit anyway,

cos he was permanently having breathing problems.

Look, for a moment there,

I just thought he might be better off with someone else,

but when it came to it I just couldn't do it! I just couldn't.

Cos I love him!

I love him!

Oh, God!

SHE SOBS

Sorry! I'm sorry!

Please!

Oh, God!

SHE SOBS

Do you want to keep the baby, Shelly?

Not really, no.

I had him for them, not for me.

I can't give him what they can give him.

And I want to do other things.

I'd like to see him sometimes, though.

That's absolutely not a problem.

Whenever you want.

But I might not.

I don't know yet.

I think you should get a parental order as soon as possible to make sure Sebastian is legally yours.

Yes. Yes, of course.

So, if you'd like to hand him over to...

Andrew! THEY LAUGH

Can I take a picture of him before he goes?

If you could just do that outside in the corridor? We have a lot of sensitive equipment in here.

SEBASTIAN GURGLES

Do you... Do you want to walk us to the car?

No. I'd better see what's going on with me mam.

Ta-ra, little 'un.

Be a good boy.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

SEBASTIAN CRIES

-Let's run.

-No. Just keep walking.

-Is she watching?

-I don't know.

Don't look. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

-Excuse me.

-Sorry, sorry, sorry.

-I still can't believe you've got a baby!

-Neither can I sometimes.

He changes his nappy. Cleans up all his shit and that.

It's all right. It's not that bad, you get used to it.

-Anyway, when do you actually leave?

-Tomorrow evening.

-Still got to pack.

-Lucky bitch. I wish I was going to bloody Florence.

Yeah, sounds great.

You actually get to study the great masters and do some serious stuff.

And you, you jammy tosser, have got a fat frigging commission.

Yeah, I haven't seen any money yet.

He hasn't even agreed to any of my sketches. He just wants something colourful on the wall.

He's an interior designer. He's not really into art.

Well, that's what he's employing you for.

-Ask him for a commissioning fee.

-He doesn't need it.

His parents are stinking rich and his bird's going to be loaded.

For the record, my parents aren't stinking rich

and me and Ro don't have a pot to piss in.

-We've been waiting for a settlement for the best part of a year.

-Hey.

Hey, I thought it was you.

What are you doing here?

-It's Izzy's birthday.

-I'm 18 now.

I can officially drink. I'm legal!

We're all sat over there. Where's Mum?

I don't know. I've been trying to get in touch with her all day. She's not answering her phone.

-Really?

-I think she's been for a facial or something.

Is that what she told you?

What does that mean?

Why don't all you girls come and sit over here with us?

We don't want to gate-crash if you want to be on your own.

-No, Molly's a friend from art college.

-His ex.

She's off to Florence tomorrow. It's just a farewell drink.

Your mum might join us in a bit.

I don't think so. This isn't Mum's kind of place.

And, besides, she's got other things on her mind.

We'll go get our drinks.

-She's well into you, mate.

-What?

Don't be ridiculous. She's Ro's daughter.

Yeah, I'd dump the mother.

The daughter's smoking.

You don't go anywhere near her or you're dead.

There's no light on, so he's not home yet.

-So, what are you going to say to him?

-I don't know.

Get nappies and stuff.

Ta-ra.

LOUIS GURGLES

I could tell him it's mine.

And who's the father?

I don't know, I could make something up.

I could tell him I've decided to be a foster mum to earn some money.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

But, how are you going to get around social services turning up tomorrow morning

for your home assessment?

Well, I just need to get him out of the house.

Well, you'll have to decide before he comes home so we can get a story straight.

So...

-Ro's not jealous about you being with your ex-girlfriend?

-No.

Why would she be? There's nothing to be jealous about.

But she would be if she found you in bed with her.

Well, that's a weird thing to say, Katie.

Well, you're fit, aren't you?

-Bet she still fancies you.

-I don't think so.

Anyway, your mum's not going to find me in bed with her.

Look, I'd like to know what you meant when you said, "Is that what she told you?"

Nothing!

I'm a bit pissed!

Did I even say that?

-Yeah. Yeah, you did.

-I was just thinking...

-Molly's more your age than Mum, isn't she?

-So what?

-It doesn't make any difference what age...

-You can have anyone you want.

Cos... You're fit, like...

..really handsome.

DANCE MUSIC FADES OUT

-Look, you've had enough to drink. Why don't you have some water?

-I don't want water!

-Is your mum even cool with you drinking alcohol?

-I don't care what she's cool about!

I'm not cool about what she's done and what she's doing, but nobody asks me!

-Look, your mum was in an unhappy relationship with your dad. Did you want her to just...

-Really?

Well, it didn't look like that this afternoon when I went home to pick up my dress.

I hope Sebby's all right.

Aw, he will be.

They love him to bits.

And there won't be anything that he'll want for.

You could go and see him tomorrow.

I think I should give them a bit of time on their own with him.

And I want to see if that unit's still for hiring at t'Arndale Centre.

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, my God. He's landed. He's waiting for a taxi.

I've got butterflies!

-Do I look all right?

-Yeah. You look great.

I don't know what you're worried about.

He should be so lucky you're taking him back after what he's done.

I love him.

God, give me strength.

It's something really precious, his love, Shelly.

You'll know when you meet someone.

Oh, God, it might never happen to me again.

You've hardly given it a chance.

Me dad's a tosser, Mam. You know what he's like.

How many times has he done this now?

-He says it's going to be different this time. He says he's finally grown up.

-Oh, yeah, sure.

FRONT DOOR OPENS Hello!

Hello?

MAXINE LAUGHS

SHE GASPS

-Oh!

-Get the kettle on! MAXINE SCREAMS IN DELIGHT

-I thought you were still at the airport!

-Yeah, I sent that text ages ago!

-Oh, my God, it must have only just come through!

-There you go. Don't you say I never buy you any.

They're lovely!

-Are you pleased to see me?

-Do bears shit in the woods?

-I can't believe you're really here.

-Well, I am.

-I'm so happy.

I'm going to put these in some water and then I'll get you some cans in the fridge.

Hey, now you're talking!

Now. Shell, girl. How are you doing? Put a bit of weight on.

-And you've gone grey.

-Yeah.

I'll have to get that sorted.

So...

-Have you missed me, girl?

-A bit.

-A bit?

Is that all?

I thought you'd be pining for me.

Yeah, well, you buggered off so often and left me to pick up the pieces

and try and convince me mam she's not a bag o' shite.

All I were hoping is that you weren't coming back this time.

That's not nice.

And I got you a present and all.

Remembered on the aeroplane, did you?

-There you go.

-Oh, ta.

-Nice and cold.

-Ta. MICKY SIGHS

So...

What have you two been up to?

LOUIS CRIES FROM UPSTAIRS

What the hell's that? Have you got a cat or something?

No.

We've got a baby.

A baby?

Yeah.

He's called Louis.

I thought you were fatter!

So, you've gone and got yourself into trouble, have you?

Who's the father? Oh, don't tell me, he's buggered off.

Oh, that's a bit rich coming from you!

He's not Shelly's baby.

-SHE SIGHS

-He's my baby.

Your baby? What are you talking about? It can't be your baby.

Well, he is.

-I thought you said that...

-Yeah, I know what I said.

I lied.

He's my baby.

And I'm keeping him.

If they let me.

And if you don't like it, well, I'm sorry, Micky.

But it's just the way it is.

He's in my life.

LOUIS CRIES

And he's staying!

If you're going to go, Dad, I'd do it now before she comes back down with him.

MAXINE LAUGHS WEARILY

Hello, my gorgeous little boy.

Mummy's brought you home.

MAXINE LAUGHS

I've got myself into such a state

when I saw Katie and Simon together.

She might not have said anything.

They probably just bumped into each other.

-What the hell are you doing on my parents' drive?

-I'm waiting for my daughter.

Well, your daughter's not here, so you can take your fancy car and piss off.

I'm not a milking machine!

I'm waiting for it to dry up so I can go back to normal again.

Oh, please keep making it. I don't know what we'd do if you stopped.

My son-in-law said you stunk of alcohol.

Bastard!