Episode 1 Last Tango in Halifax

That is the most selfish, mindless piece of driving

I have ever witnessed.

Keep your hair on, I'll be under 60 seconds.

-Idiot.

-Snotty bitch.

Some braindead, lowlife, trailer trash stole my parking space.

-And you've met my daughter?

-Sorry?

Now then, we've got some news for you.

-BOTH:

-We're getting married.

-You're very pretty.

-You're magnificent.

This marriage is over! It is dead! It is redundant!

It never was!

We made love.

It was my birthday, we were both a bit pissed.

'He's in hospital. He were rushed in last night. He had a heart attack.'

Did I come to see you last night?

-Alan?

-Or were I dreaming?

Yes, you did. You came to see me.

I love you.

He's come round, he's regained consciousness.

'Oh, Mum!'

Gillian's just in with him just now. She's just chatting to him.

Alan's come round.

'And are they...?'

Is he, erm...? Are they confident he's going to...?

Well, I mean, it's early days but he seems very perky.

'You mustn't tire him.'

I'm not going to tire him!

I love you.

I love you.

I think I love Celia as well.

So do I.

Hey, you can keep your hands off her. She's mine.

What are you going to do?

Are you going to stay with us here, or are you...?

Oh, I think I'd like to be on hand over the next few days,

just till we know what's what. I mean, if that's...

It's wonderful, it's perfect.

Do you want me to drive over to Harrogate, fetch any of your things?

No, no. You don't want to be setting off, you need to be here.

No, I'll get Lady Muck to bring over a few bits and pieces.

She won't mind.

-Celia...

-What?

I just... Can I just...

What, love?

-..hug you?

-Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you for making him so happy

and thank you for bringing him back.

Do you know? I think I did.

No, I know you did.

Now, you mustn't fall out with him again.

Oh, well, it was him that fell out with me.

Yeah, well, whatever. You know what I'm saying.

I am never going to fall out with him again.

Ever! About anything.

There you go, ladies.

-You're a gem, and a star.

-Thanks, love.

I've penned that ewe up on her own in t'barn and I've made a lasagne.

There's enough for everybody, if Caroline wants something when she gets here.

Have you any idea how good he's been?

It's ME. Are you packing me that suitcase?

I have packed you that suitcase.

Robbie says he'll have a bit of supper ready for you when you get here, if you like.

'Oh, that's lovely.'

-Thank you, tell him.

-'And Gillian says you're welcome to stop

'the night, if you don't fancy turning round

-'and driving straight back.'

-OK. Great. Why not?

So we'll see you in a bit.

-Yeah, bye.

-'Drive carefully.'

Yeah, I will. Bye-bye.

-Why don't I pop over with her bits and pieces?

-You?

-Well, it'll save you time and...

-The best thing you can do, if you want to be useful,

is stay here with the boys cos I might stay over there.

-Why?

-Well, just tonight. Why not?

They're old enough to... why don't I come with you?

Come... What for?

Well, so I can apologise to everyone for...

-Well, it was all my fault, wasn't it?

-How?

Well, if I hadn't told Celia about you being...

And then if she hadn't reacted so badly to that,

Alan wouldn't have seen how

small-minded and bigoted she...can be

and then if they hadn't fallen out about that,

he might not have got upset and had...had...had the...

the heart attack.

But it really is all about you, isn't it?

That's... That's just...

When I get back, we really do need to work out what's what

and whose is what and all the rest of it.

Boys!

I'm off over to Halifax.

Dad's going to be here.

I'm on my mobile if you want me. I'll see you later.

-PHONE BEEPS

-Mum, you've got a text.

PHONE BEEPS

'Halifax?'

Yeah! He's come round, he's regained consciousness.

'Oh!'

Yeah, he's going to be fine. Well, we hope.

-'That's...'

-I know.

-..fantastic.

-'So I'll be back tomorrow.'

Oh. So, we're not doing anything tonight, then?

Well, we left it up in the air, didn't we?

So, is that all right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, course.

We'll do something tomorrow.

Good.

Can I just check your blood pressure, Mr Buttershaw?

Hm? Oh, yes.

-How are you feeling?

-I'm very happy.

I was watching you. You and your wife.

You're just so completely in love with each other, aren't you?

She's not my wife yet.

But I do think we need to get on with it.

We are popping up back to the hospital again, aren't we, Gillian?

-This evening?

-Absolutely.

-I'd like to.

Do you need me to come?

Why? Have you got plans?

Ellie.

-Who?

-Girlfriend.

-She's not my girlfriend.

PHONE VIBRATES She running rings round you again?

-She's not like that.

-What is she like?

She does blow hot and cold.

-Oh, you don't want that. Life's too short.

-We're just mates.

-She uses you.

-She doesn't use me.

-She damn well does!

-Once.

-What happened?

-Nothing.

-They had a date.

-"Date."

Only she stood him up cos she got a better offer.

Yeah, nice(!) Bitch.

-That ain't what happened.

-Is.

-How would you describe it?

-PHONE RINGS

Well, I'd be minding me own business.

John? What's he want?

-Hello?

-'Celia! Hi.'

'What's up?'

Just ringing to let you know that Caroline's just set off, just now.

Right.

Probably be with you in an hour, an hour and a half.

-Right.

-'How is he?'

Alan?

'Well, it's early days, but he's conscious anyway.

'Didn't she tell you?'

Good. Yes! She did.

Is...? Could I...? Is Gillian there?

Gillian? Yes, she's here, and Raff and Robbie.

-Could I...? Could I speak to her?

-'Gillian?'

-Yes.

-'What for?'

'Well, just...just...'

It's John. He's asking to speak to you.

What about?

Hello?

-Gillian.

-'Yes.'

It's John.

Yes.

-Hi.

-Yes?

'Look... Sorry. I realise you're cross with me.'

Am I?

Yeah. Aren't you?

'For getting drunk and making a fuss

'and spilling the beans about Caroline to Celia and...'

Oh!

..so forth.

Well, it's all water under t'bridge now, so...

'Good. Good. Is it?'

Gone and forgotten.

Good. Good. Well, that's good.

Bye, then.

No. Wait.

Then, there's the other thing.

The other thing?

'Could we...? I'd like to see you again.'

Right. Well, that's... That's not...

The thing is. Oh, God.

Hello?

I think I'm a little bit in love with you.

Right. Right. OK.

Well. That's...not exactly my problem as such, is it?

You can't talk. Obviously.

And there is that.

'Maybe... Could we...meet up?

-'Somewhere? Sometime?'

-No.

I don't mind popping over.

-Did you get my text message?

-Please don't say no.

I don't think I could...

OK, so shall I give you back to Celia?

'No. No. I don't need to speak to Celia again.'

No, OK. Ta-ta, then.

Gillian. Gillian. This is...

My dad's in hospital, John.

We've got a lot on just now at this end.

Of course. Course you do.

Sorry. Sure. It's just...

'Boys all right?'

Er...boys are fine.

OK. Bye!

Bye. Bye! Bye-bye.

-Dad! What's for tea?

-Nothing.

I don't know.

Hi, Judith. It's me. Are you doing anything this evening?

He said I can come home on Monday, the doctor,

all things being equal.

That's...amazing.

What else has he said?

-Oh...a few dos and don'ts.

-Like?

-Usual.

-No, come on.

No enjoying yourself. No singing, no dancing,

no fighting, no farting.

THEY LAUGH Different pills?

No, no. The same.

He told me there'd been...

damage to the muscle.

Yeah. Well, it's...sorted itself out.

I will be talking to the consultant myself again, Dad,

in case you were thinking about trying to pull the wool over

anyone's eyes with your medical rhetoric.

Why don't you take Caroline and see if you can't find a cup of tea somewhere?

Good plan. We'll see you in a bit, then.

It is nice to see you.

Yeah, it's nice to see you as well, love.

They do cake.

-I've been thinking.

-Yeah, so have I.

-Happen we should...

-Just get on with it, the wedding.

Great minds. Bugger the practicalities...

Like where we might live. Let's just...

Book a registrar and get on with it

and worry about everything else afterwards.

What do you think? What about a venue?

-I don't know, I don't care.

-Neither do I.

We can get married in the car park at The Dog & Duck for all I care.

And...not tell anyone till it's all over and done with.

Anyone?

Anyone.

Well, that'll get round the best man issue very nicely.

Won't we need witnesses?

There'll be folk passing.

It's appealing to me.

Yes, I can see.

What did the consultant say?

Just what I've said.

Why is it that trying to get information out of a man

is like trying to get blood out of a stone?

I'm A1.

Oh, you're not A1, you've had a heart attack.

(I'm A1.)

I think I was more upset when I heard about Alan

than I was when my dad died.

God, that's an awful thing to say. Except he had dementia, my dad.

-So in some ways...

-Yeah.

-..it was...

-Yeah.

-..a relief.

Do you think people can die from a broken heart?

I thought that was what was happening.

Course I couldn't say that to t'consultant. He'd have laughed,

or given you that look they do where they feel sorry for you,

for being thick.

You've probably never had that.

-Well...

-How's Kate?

Yeah, she's... She's...

-What?

-It's all...

Like everybody suddenly knows and I didn't want it to be like that.

I mean, I don't think we know what we are yet exactly.

And everybody's gawping at you like they're expecting you

-to make an announcement.

-Exactly that.

-Sod 'em. Let 'em deal with it.

Yeah. Yeah.

I need to tell you this thing.

OK.

You'll probably think I'm a complete dipstick when I've told you,

but I'd rather be upfront about it and then you know,

and then we can either move forward or not.

OK. So, first of all...

I don't regret it. I don't regret anything,

I make a point of not regretting things.

-However...

-You've slept with John.

I was pissed.

It was my birthday. I felt sorry for him,

for being such a...twat, he looked so pathetic.

Oh, you really have slept with John?

What was it like?

To be honest...

..I don't actually remember very much about it,

except that it happened.

Right.

Are you...hating me?

No.

I didn't want you to find out later from someone else and think there was

any more to it than there was,

because there wasn't, there really wasn't.

It was one of those things you do and after you go,

"God, why did I do that?!"

And the truth is...

..I was pissed.

I don't even fancy him.

I mean, you know, I don't mind him, but...

Oh, I'm daring to hope that this isn't going down too badly

judging by the expression on your face.

-I'm pleased you told me.

-It won't happen again.

-No, no...you can have him.

-I don't want him.

-He's got a good income.

-I don't care.

CAROLINE LAUGHS

-Do you hate me?

-No.

Are you laughing at me or with me?

I don't know, I'm just...I'm... I don't know, just laughing.

You're thinking, "Braindead, low-life, trailer trash," aren't you?

Yeah.

But that's cos I'm a snotty bitch.

It's good that you're taking it so well.

Maybe you're in shock. Maybe the implications haven't sunk in yet.

Are there any?

You're not pregnant, are you?

No! That really would thicken the plot.

So, um...

..when was this?

Night me dad and your mum drove back over to Harrogate.

When he'd, you know, John had spilled the beans to her about you.

Our birthday.

God. Right.

When I was propping Judith up in casualty.

Were you?

Blimey.

"Are we cool, Vincent?"

Is that from something?

Pulp Fiction.

I'm Samuel L Jackson and you're John Travolta.

Right.

Then we go out and shoot some students, I think.

Unless I've misremembered.

Blimey.

I can't help thinking how different things would've

-been now if he hadn't pulled through.

-Oh, Celia!

Well, you don't need to think about that now, do you?

I think the world of you two.

-You both know that, don't you?

-Aww!

I'll get t'kettle on.

Where's little what's-his-name with the broken leg?

Paul? I got shot of him. I took him to his granny's.

Sit down, get warm.

I might get back off home, Mum.

Oh, I thought you were stopping.

I've left John at home with the boys, which I'm not thrilled about.

I don't want him to think I need him for anything, because I don't.

He rang earlier, John. I don't know why.

Oh, to say you'd set off. Seemed like an excuse.

He asked to speak to Gillian. I don't know why.

I've been thinking.

How would you feel if, when he comes out of hospital,

we came to live at my little flat?

-I'd feel fine about it.

-You see, the thing is,

you know my dad died of a heart attack, climbing the stairs.

The doctor told him not to and my mother, of course, said,

"Oh, you'll be all right," and that was it.

He'd not want to contradict her.

He went as white as a sheet.

Mum, it's your home. It's absolutely fine by me.

What does Gillian think?

See, I've no stairs, and it's nothing but stairs here,

and steep ones at that.

OK.

I've not broached him with it yet, never mind Gillian.

-He might have other ideas.

-OK.

Right.

Is everybody warm enough?

I'm going to...get, er...going.

OK.

I've a pile of paperwork to get through and...

Ring me if you want anything.

-I'll see you...

-I'll see you out... Sure.

-See you.

-See ya.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

Is there something up between you and Gillian?

She slept with John.

She just told me. That night, my birthday, her birthday,

when he was over here shooting his mouth off.

You and Alan set off over to Harrogate, I was propping

Judith up in casualty and they ended up in bed together.

I mean, she's told me cos she feels bad about it

and she was drunk and she wishes it hadn't happened, but...

I don't know. How do people do that?

Why is everything so casual and meaningless and...?

I can't leave. I need to be near him.

No, I didn't...

I know that, I don't expect you to.

I was... Sorry, I just think I'm a little bit shocked, that's all.

-Don't say anything.

-No.

Do you think before Judith, John was...?

At it with all and sundry?

Like your dad?

I don't know, love.

-Ring me.

-Yes.

Don't say anything.

No, don't worry.

-Everything all right?

-Hmm.

-I thought I might turn in early, if it's all right?

-Sure.

Course. You... do what you need to do.

-That for me?

-Yeah.

Is it all right if I...?

Course.

Night-night, love.

Night-night.

Ready, Mr Buttershaw?

I've been ready since six o'clock this morning.

Have you heck?! Not sat there, in your coat.

Still, wouldn't be the first time you'd kept me waiting.

THEY CHUCKLE

-You're never going to let that drop, are you?

-I might do one day,

if you play your cards right.

I resolved, the first time it happened, that I was going to live

life differently and I did, on the whole.

I got in touch with you, didn't I, for instance? But now...

-Now you're going to take things steady.

-No. God, no.

Now I'm going to really start living.

What do you think I'm doing sat up here?

-Well, you know what the consultant just said.

-Oh, bugger that.

OK. So what've you got planned?

-Anything. All sorts.

-Such as?

-Have you ever fancied skiing?

-No. Have you?

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh, you!

-Never!

-Good.

Well, that's that dealt with, then.

We used to come up here on bikes.

Me and Maurice and Harry and Joe Riley.

You could get all t'way to Greetland from top o' Barkisland

without pedalling once.

-I know you could because...

-It were like floating through the air.

Because me and Eileen and Doreen Wilkinson

-and our Muriel used to do just the same.

-Did you?

-Yeah, yeah.

I always used to think you were a bit smitten with Joe Riley.

Joe?!

No. Although he was very good-looking.

I always thought he had a look of Errol Flynn, but clever.

-He went to work for NASA, didn't he?

-He did!

He were made a Fellow of the Royal Society, then off he went

to Altadena, California. Brain drain. He were my best man...

-when Eileen and I got wed.

-Oh. Do you keep in touch?

We did. Every Christmas, and the occasional letter in-between.

He popped over once or twice

to see his mother, but we always caught up.

I always fancied popping over there, but it never happened.

He had Parkinson's at finish.

We came up here to scatter my dad's ashes,

me and me mum.

We drove over from Sheffield and we had Caroline in the pushchair.

1969.

He loved up here, me dad.

It was a right farce.

We thought it would be like powder,

but it wasn't, it was more like grit,

granules, and it got everywhere.

We just couldn't get rid of it. Him.

We hadn't thought it through. Well, she hadn't, me mother.

And we hadn't got permission. Well, we didn't know you needed it.

Perhaps you didn't then. I don't know.

I don't know what my mum and dad would've thought about me and you.

Actually, I do. They'd have been over the moon.

They'd have been thrilled to bits with you.

Do you fancy a pint?

It's only just gone half-past 11!

You've only been out of hospital half an hour!

-So what?

-You know damn well so what.

Do you fancy popping over to the Registry Office first, then?

Are we serious, about not telling anyone

-till it's all over and done with?

-Well, I am, yeah.

So that's a fortnight tomorrow at 11am.

Shall I put that on a card for you?

Well, it's a good job you texted me

or I'd have been wondering where you were.

Is it wise to go gallivanting when you've only just been discharged?

I just wanted to see Ladstone Rock and then we fancied a pint.

-Oh, so you went via Aberdeen?

-That's right.

-Have you set a date?

-Sorry?

-For the wedding?

Oh, no, love. No.

Alan needs to concentrate on getting fit again first

before we start thinking of anything like that.

Shall we get t'kettle on?

And then me and Celia have got something to run past you.

-Harrogate?

-I've no stairs.

And you're out on the farm all day, or down at the shop,

whereas I can see to him 24/7.

That's what I'm thinking.

Well, that's very kind of you, but...

And it's not like it's for ever.

I mean, we do intend to buy. Eventually.

-OK.

-And soon.

And when we do, it'll more than likely be round here.

Well, we've not discussed that yet.

No, no, but...

And it's not a million miles away, Harrogate, is it?

No, it's not but...

And you'd be more than welcome, any time you fancied, to pop over.

It is very nice, the house

and Celia's little flat.

I'm sure it is, Dad. I just...

So when were you thinking of...

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Does Caroline know...?

She's fine about it.

I see.

So...

Well, it just seems a bit sudden.

But... Well,

yeah, if it's what you want.

I thought it'd be a weight off your mind.

You'll be 60 miles away.

Oh, no. It's actually more like 40.

40, 60.

He'll be in good hands.

Yeah, I understand that, Celia.

You'll have to pretend I'm on holiday.

Right.

But...

how about if I popped over with you?

-Just quickly, just tomorrow, just to make sure you're...

-Yeah.

..settled in all right and everything's...

Sure.

Right. I'll get the kettle on.

I've got my new hat. So that's that bit covered.

Something old, something new...

Something old we've not got.

Well, we're both old.

-Are we?

-Well, you are, I'm not.

THEY CHUCKLE

I started counting backwards when I got to 36.

So how old does that make you now then?

Minus three.

Fancy.

We had a very interesting experience in 1988,

when me and our Caroline were both 22.

That must have taken some explaining.

Not really.

Something borrowed...

I could borrow a bow tie off Maurice. Then I'd be very dapper.

You could and you would, but then he'd want to know why you were

borrowing it. You know what a nosy old bugger he is.

I could lie. I could say I'd been invited to a cocktail party.

In Manhattan.

Mmm, he'd believe that.

Only he might want to come with me.

-Tell him to sod off.

-OK.

Something blue.

A mucky magazine?

Have you got any?

No. Have you?

Oh, yeah, got loads(!)

THEY LAUGH

No, I haven't.

CELIA AND ALAN LAUGH UPSTAIRS

She slept with John.

-Who?

-Gillian.

That night when we drove over here,

and he'd been there shooting his mouth off about Caroline

batting for the other side...

Slept with him?!

Had...sex with him.

How do you know?

Caroline told me.

Well, how does she know?

Gillian. Told her, apparently.

What for?

Well, because... I don't know. I think because she regretted it.

I don't know why I've told you. Well, except it's bothered me.

Sorry. I don't want to burden you with it.

It's not... I'm not...

I'm just a bit befuddled with it myself really.

And plus, I don't want to see her get hurt. Gillian.

God! He's a bugger is John.

-Gillian's coming!

-Gillian?

-Yes!

And Kate's here.

What's...? What's Gillian coming here for?

-Would you like some tea?

-Ooh. Hi, John.

What's Gillian coming here for?

Alan's moving into my mum's to recuperate and I think she wants to see him settled in.

So, is...is she staying...long?

I don't know. You'll have to ask her yourself.

Oh, and Kate's moving in.

I'll get my things out of the car.

Lawrence, can you help Kate with her things?

That's... You can't expect me...

She's got her own house, what does she want to move in here for?

John, after I came back here on Saturday night

and found what I found, I'm amazed you could begin to imagine that

you have anything to say at all about what other people do.

-Judith...

-Judith needs help.

-Judith and I are not an item.

-Well, you could've fooled me!

I will not be made to feel like a sodding gooseberry in my own house.

-That-that-that was...

-You have nothing to say.

What time are they getting here?

Blimey.

My little apartment's round the back, Gillian.

Done all right for yourself here, Dad, eh?

What's up?

I thought we were plumbing depths with Susan Jatri's lad, but John?

He's practically your brother-in-law.

And I thought you told me you and Robbie were more or less an item?

How did...? Who...?

Celia told me. Caroline told her.

-You...

-I told Caroline because I felt bad about it.

I was pissed, it was my birthday. Me and Robbie are...

-Are we going in?

-Yeah, let me.

I'll lead the way.

It didn't mean anything. It was rubbish, it was ridiculous.

I just felt sorry for him.

You're a...

What am I? Come on! Don't hold back!

..a pillock!

-Oh, OK. I thought you were going to say something worse.

-I was.

Yeah! Whatever.

I've put my things in your bedroom.

-Is that...?

-Of course it is.

How permanent is this?

We need to sit down and have the conversation properly,

and not when we've been rushed into it, but it's... Yeah. If...

If... Yeah. If it's what you want.

Do you need to ask?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'We're back, we've arrived.'

Good! They've arrived. I'll pop round.

There's something I need to tell you.

'Right. Ta-ta.'

She's popping round.

What's up?

It's just a disappointment, isn't it?

An ongoing disappointment.

And for the record, he is not my brother-in-law because, A,

you're not married yet, and two - him and Caroline are getting divorced.

Ipso-facto, QED, NOT my brother-in-law.

I said not to say anything.

Aye. Well, I did.

Can we all just get it into our little heads that I regret it

and it won't happen again? Would you like that written down?

In triplicate?

What for? It wouldn't mean owt.

Dad, I'm going to get upset.

Well, what do you expect?

She were pregnant when she were 15.

-Dad!

-Broke Eileen's heart. Perhaps you didn't know that.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi! Alan!

-Hello, love.

-How was your journey?

-It was fine.

-Good! Is everything...?

-I'll put the kettle on in a minute.

-I'm cooking for everyone.

It'll be about half an hour if that's...

-Perfect, love.

-Smashing.

So, I just need to...tell you something.

Kate's here. You're going to have to bear with me. I didn't plan this

exactly to coincide... Only, when I got back here

on Saturday night, Judith was here.

Ahh!

Oh!

Oh, Jesus!

Shit! I thought... He said you were in... Where is it? Huddersfield.

Halifax.

What's the matter? What's happened?

You've not fallen down the stairs again have you, you silly cow?

-Caroline's here.

-What?

-Caroline's here!

-What?

-CAROLINE'S...

-Caroline's in Halifax.

Where are the boys?

They're around. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be...

They've been playing music really loud and making loads of noise,

and they were throwing stuff around in the kitchen and then they went upstairs in your bedroom!

-That kid needs to lighten up.

-We thought you were going to be away all night.

Oh, God, don't snivel! It's hardly that...bad.

Get your coats on, get into my car.

I'll be back in the morning and I don't care how you do it,

but that kitchen better be as spotless as it was

when I left here this afternoon.

Oi, you have friends round,

I have friends round.

You've traumatised our children.

I have? What about you? You've scarred them for life!

Do you know what? I'm actually starting to feel a bit queasy.

This is nothing compared to what you're actively

inflicting on them, you mad old dyke!

And bollocks to you with your "this kitchen better be spotless".

I don't know why I'm bothering to remind you, but I will.

This house... This house was paid for almost entirely with money

I earned when I was on the bestseller list! So f...

JUDITH VOMITS

-I'll see you in the morning.

-Yeah.

Whatever.

So, I took the boys round to Kate's for the night

and, um...John was pretty appalled, to be fair to him,

on Sunday morning.

He had tried to tidy the kitchen up,

but he wasn't really in any fit state to stand up

for any length of time until the early evening, so I had to help him.

Then I asked him if he would move out,

so that we can all move on with our lives,

but he's still refusing to do that.

So I have asked Kate to move in

in the hope that, at some point, he will get the message.

So that's why Kate's here, OK?

-Where's Caroline?

-Next door.

Is...Gillian staying for supper?

I don't know.

What are you...cooking?

It's... Erm...I don't know. Caroline's in charge, I'm just...

-What's she doing next door?

-I...

God, I can't stand this! This is my house, I live here.

-Is she...? She'd better not be.

-What?

Telling people things about me.

I'm not going to be made to feel like...

whatever in my own house.

I...have no opinion on that.

He's a mess is John.

As long as nobody's under any illusions.

Caroline, I'm going to get off home.

OK.

Ring me if you want anything.

Right.

Right. Thanks, Celia.

OK, love.

I'll...

-Gillian?

-Sorry, I need to get home.

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

-Come inside.

-No. No, I'll...

Well... What's happened?

It's fine. It's fine. I'm just leaving him here,

60, 40 miles from home and...

-She'll look after him.

-I know that.

-And I'll keep an eye on everything.

-I know. I know you will.

-You can come here any time you like.

-I know. I know.

Why did you tell your mum?

Is that what's...?

-She's told me dad and he's...

-Did she? I'm sorry, I just...

I just couldn't... Just couldn't...

No, don't. It's all my own stupid fault anyway, isn't it?

Is he upset?

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

No, it's...

He said something about me mum.

That's all.

I broke her heart apparently.

When I was 15.

Well, I did. I know I did.

I got pregnant.

I had to leave school at the time. You know, I went back...

later to do my A-levels, but...it never worked out, so...

All very disappointing for them.

So, yup, that's me.

You had a baby?

No! No. A-Abortion.

Sorry. I am sorry. I don't know why I told her, I just...

had it on my brain and, you know, she's me mum, and...

-Well, it'll blow over.

-Yeah. Will it?

-Just bad timing. With his...

-Yeah. Sorry.

-I'll get off.

-I'll ring you.

-I wasn't accusing you. I just...

-I'm sorry.

Not your fault. Really not.

Why am I apologising?

Sanctimonious b...

-Gillian!

-Shit!

I need to talk to you.

Yeah, well, I don't need to talk to you!

-In fact, right now...

-I can't...

-..you're the last...

You can't treat people like this.

You can't ignore my texts and hang up on me on the phone.

-Can you get out of my Land Rover, please?

-We had sex.

Yes, we did. And, boy, am I paying for it now?!

-You came onto me.

-Not!

-So forgive me... Yes, you did.

-You...

I tentatively explained that I had feelings for you.

You said, "Shall we go upstairs?" So forgive me for thinking that

-we'd embarked upon some sort of relationship.

-OK. Right. Right.

So, please, can you explain why, Saturday afternoon,

you're on the phone saying,

"I think I might be a little bit in love with you, Gillian," and then,

the same night, you're here, in bed with Judith apparently,

who you claim to hate.

-She told you. Caroline. She...

-Yes!

-Well, isn't it obvious?

-Not to me!

-I'm floundering.

-What?

-You won't speak to me, she's decided she's a dyke,

the boys think I'm ridiculous.

Oh, no. They don't. Do they?

I've got nothing. She's moved her insipid little girlfriend in

-and her mad mother...

-Oi, steady on.

I bought that house and now I'm the one who... Oh, shit!

I'm going to have to knock to get back in.

SHE GIGGLES Aw-w! Bless.

Yeah, it's all so funny, isn't it?

Sorry. SHE LAUGHS

I'm all over the place, I can't think straight, and then... God!

I end up in another tawdry mess with that ridiculous woman in front of the children.

You know, people commit suicide with less than this eating away inside their brain.

Is it...that bad?

My publisher's dropped me.

Why?

It's being brewing for a while. I got an e-mail last week.

Well...is there someone you can talk to about it?

No, not really. It's not something you want to tell to just anyone.

And my agent...he's not returned my calls, so that's...

You see, before, Caroline would've been really...

good about something like that.

She'd have put it in a context.

She'd have thrown a light on it that...

She can be a really good person to have in your corner.

Yeah, well, shame you were unfaithful to her.

Sorry.

Everything's just such a mess.

What did you mean when you said, "And, boy, am I paying for it now"?

Well... OK. They all know.

-That we...

-Do they?

Do they? Well, is that...

such a bad thing? Couldn't we...?

No. It was a mistake, it should never have happened.

I have to go, John.

I'm sorry about your publisher

but, you know, we've all got crosses to bear.

I don't know how much longer I can afford to keep the farm going,

-way things are at the moment.

-Why?

-Oh...money.

-Really?

That's my problem.

So...what if I...popped over

some time? Would that be...

completely...?

I'm seeing Robbie.

I thought you hated Robbie.

Yeah, I thought you hated Judith.

HE KNOCKS ON WINDOW

-What are you doing outside?

-I... Does it matter?

Do you want something to eat?

-Is there enough?

-You'll have to find a chair.

Hello.

Hi, Alan. How's...? Are you...?

Oh, fighting fit.

Good. That's good. That's...

Would you like...?

Well, perhaps just a small one.

I'll get you a glass.

Come by!

Away! Away!

SHE WHISTLES

Can you sit down, please?

On you go. Come on.

BELL RINGS

STUDENTS SING

In you go.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Oh, sorry.

Oh, I've got to take this.

-Hello, Gillian.

-'You busy?'

I'm in a meeting.

All right. Well, I'm sorry, but this might be urgent.

Why?

Where's me dad and Celia?

Well, erm...at home as far as I know.

They... So, you've...

So no-one's been...

I've found a card, behind a cushion,

'on our settee. It's from Calderdale Registry Office.

'An appointment card. They've got an appointment'

to get married at...11 o'clock this morning.

You're kidding!

Have they...?

Have they not said anything to you?

'No.'

Er...no.

I've tried his mobile, I've tried hers.

I can be there if you can.

I'll probably overtake them on the M62. The little buggers!

But...presumably, they don't want us there

and, presumably, that's the point.

'Has he not said anything to you at all?'

I've spoken to him twice on the phone...

'in the last two weeks since he came to live at yours,

'all of it very perfunctory.'

Not exactly flavour of the month at the moment, am I?

'What, still?'

'It's just a bit much, isn't it?'

Our parents are getting married and they don't even want us there.

Perhaps they don't want a fuss.

SHE SCOFFS

Gillian, I'm going to have to go. I'm chairing a meeting.

-Right.

-Sorry, is that all right? Can I ring you...?

(Bi...)

Shall we get married and not tell anyone?

-'You doing anything this weekend?'

-What did you have in mind?

-All sorts.

-I want a baby.

-SHE LAUGHS

No.

No, Caroline, I'm serious.

Just keep pushing, love! keep pushing.

-Keep squeezing Grandad's hand.

-He's not me grandad!

We'd have never carried on like that at that age, would we?

Don't go, Dad.

I don't know how you could fashion talking to your dad like this,

when you know how poorly he's been.

Pow.

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