Goblin's Gold Merlin

'In a land of myth and a time of magic

'the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young boy.

'His name...

'Merlin.'

Yes.

Gaius asked me to fetch a book...

The Bestiary of Gwilym of Cambria.

The Bestiary?

I haven't seen that for many years.

It will be somewhere in the East Wing. I have no idea where.

East...

is that way.

Yeah.

Great.

GROANING

BANGING

GROANING

Onluc scrin!

Booo!

Are you going to say something,

or shall I?

You can speak?

You're a sharp one.

Ooh, aaah.

I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to do that. And that.

And this.

Ssshhh!

I have been squished and squashed inside that box for more than 50 years.

Time to have some fun. Woo-hoo!

There you go!

Look, have fun, quietly...

Very quietly.

Uh-oh.

No! You are going to get both of us into serious trouble.

Oh... Oh... Oh!

Oh, dear. What a shame. Never mind.

Right. That's it.

You're going back in that box while I work out what to do with you.

Oh. All right.

If I really must.

WHIMPERS

In.

Oh.

Ha, ha!

Fooled you!

Stop messing around!

FOOTSTEPS

CRASHING

GOBLIN LAUGHS

Oooh!

Nah... Nah... Nah...

Maybe?

Nah.

Nah.

Nah.

(Got you!)

GROANS

SILENCE

BUZZING

No!

Bull's-eye!

Someone's going to see you!

Really? I'm just having a little tidy up.

You want to get rid of all of this. Nasty mess up here.

Nobody's had a brush up here for years.

Look at it. It's all old.

Right, that's enough. I'm off.

Found it.

Ah.

BANGING

No!

No, no, no.

No! No!

None here.

Oh!

None under here either.

Merlin!

I really hope for your sake you have a good explanation for this.

I do have a good explanation.

I'm spring cleaning.

It isn't spring,

and it certainly isn't clean.

That's because I've only just started.

DOOR CREAKS

You wait until I've finished.

You'll be able to eat your dinner off the floor.

Not that you'd want to.

BANGING

What was that?

Why don't I go and see and you can make yourself comfortable.

Nearly, nearly.

Nearly, nearly,

nearly, nearly, nearly.

GOBLIN SNIFFS

-Oh.

-No!

CLEARS THROAT

I'm really not sure it suits you, Merlin.

That's it.

It seems you have unleashed a goblin.

I know that face. It's not good, is it?

Goblins are the most mischievous of creatures. Mischievous, and dangerous.

-It didn't seem dangerous.

-Believe me, Merlin.

Goblins will stop at nothing to get their hands on the one thing they value above all others. Gold.

DOOR OPENS

You're needed for a matter of great urgency and extreme delicacy.

What is it?

It's my father.

I should warn you. If you value your lives, do not even think about laughing.

Father?

I'm behind the screen.

Only an enchantment could cause Uther to lose his hair like that.

I have no doubt that goblin is to blame.

We must catch it before it does any real damage.

Did you see Uther's face?

Merlin, what do you think Uther will do to the person responsible for releasing the goblin?

We need to catch it. How do we do that?

We need to set a trap. And for that, we need gold,

and plenty of it.

GENTLE SNORING

Who's there?

(Oferbraedels ahreos!)

Oh! Oh!

Uh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Guards!

Oooh!

Oh! Lovely gold.

Oh.

Oh.

Ah!

Oh!

Ohhhh! Ohhhh!

Oh! Ah!

Arghh!

BUZZING

Gaius?

Did you see where it went?

You let it escape, you stupid boy!

And now you just stand there like a sack of potatoes! Go after it!

Go! Shoo!

Shoo!

I've searched the entire palace.

There's no sign of the goblin anywh... What happened?

It's that pesky goblin!

You let it escape, and it's ransacked my premises.

You've got some cleaning up to do.

Clean, clean!

Where are you going?

I am going to the tavern.

You never go to the tavern.

Then I shall see what I've been missing.

CHANTING

Shall we arm-wrestle, or do you require a moment to recover what little strength you have?

HE BURPS

Oh...

You look terrible. How much did you drink last night?

-You don't look so good yourself. What's your excuse?

-What?

Ssshhh!

Too much talking.

I have a head like the inside of a drum,

and a mouth like a badger's armpit.

Eugh. A badger's armpit?

Make yourself useful.

Go to the market and fetch my breakfast.

Away. Go!

HE BURPS

Mmm...

Gaius.

Yes, yes. What is it?

I couldn't sleep last night.

My healing bracelet has been stolen.

Oooh. A tragedy and travesty.

Whoever stole it should be hanged, flogged and hanged again!

I was hoping you could give me a sleeping draft.

A sleeping draft? Can't you count sheep like everyone else?

Why are you bothering me with such things? Shoo.

I don't know why you are being like this.

I'm the King's ward, and you shall do as I ask.

Ooooh.

Shall I now?

I can see deep into your heart.

And it's cold.

Cold as stone.

You play at being Uther's loving ward, you play it so well.

You fool him, but you don't fool me.

You would see Camelot destroyed.

-Why would you say such a thing?

-Because it is the truth.

There is evil in your heart.

I don't know what has come over you.

You were always such a good friend to me.

I see the truth frightens you.

It's you that frighten me.

Do you not want your sleeping draft after all, Lady Morgana?

One moment.

Sweet dreams.

Do come back and see me, any time.

Say aaahhh oooh aah ooh ahh ooohh.

Aaahhh oooh aah ooh ahh ooohh.

He is certain to die.

-Oh!

-I don't feel like I'm dying.

If you value your life, you won't say another word.

It could kill you instantly. Sssh.

I believed he had a broken rib.

A broken rib that has become infected, with a most severe and terrifying infection

that can only be treated by this remedy.

Alas, it's very expensive.

We do not have any money to spare.

In that case your husband will die and you will spend

the rest of your life in poverty and misery,

before dying a lonely, cold death,

which is no less than you deserve.

HE TRIES TO SPEAK

What can I do for you?

It is more a question of what I can do for you.

It seems you are developing the symptoms already.

The symptoms for what?

For a most severe and terrifying infection

that is sweeping through Camelot like a plague.

I haven't heard anything about an infection?

That's because those who catch it are immediately struck dumb.

Fortunately I have developed a very effective cure.

Which is yours in exchange for a gold coin?

Very funny.

Is it?

I don't hear anyone laughing.

You've never charged me for remedies before?

Then I've clearly been a fool.

Do you wish for a cure,

or do you wish to walk around with a face covered in boils

and your nose dripping with snot?

Boils?

Big, pussy boils.

Bigger than you've ever seen.

I'll fetch a coin.

A most wise decision.

You're sure this treatment will work, Gaius?

I am quite certain of it, my Lord.

Is it really necessary to slap my head like that?

Completely and utterly necessary. We must restore the circulation to the scalp.

You wish your hair to grow back, my Lord?

Get on with it then.

Mmm...

You're the goblin!

Have you lost your mind?

No, but you have. Or at least it's been taken over.

Don't be ridiculous.

I know Gaius as well I know myself and you're not him.

You've got me.

How do you like my new body? It's a bit old and creaky, but it's ever so much fun.

-It's not yours. It's Gaius'. What have you done with him?

-He's still in here somewhere.

Gaius has done you no harm.

Leave him.

All right, you've convinced me.

On second thoughts...

I think I'll stay where I am. I like it in here.

The freedom. The gold. The beer.

Did I mention the gold?

If you hurt Gaius...

..I will kill you.

You'd be killing him!

You see the problem? I'm him. He's me.

We're all jumbled up in here!

There have been instances of vandalism around the palace, and thefts.

I myself was a victim.

Unfortunately, the thief managed to elude me.

FARTING

SHE GASPS

FARTING

Double the guard.

I want the perpetrator found.

HE FARTS

Yes, my Lord.

HE FARTS AGAIN

The council is dismissed!

FARTING CONTINUES

Now!

Gaius, is there anything you can do to treat this?

HE FARTS AGAIN

FARTS ECHO

Tell me you didn't think that was funny?

Not even a little bit?

A teeny, weeny bit?

-If you carry on like this, you'll get Gaius killed.

-You underestimate me.

I have cured Uther of his farting and his baldness.

He is, he tells me, forever in my debt. I am a genius!

-This has to stop.

-I see no reason why.

Now if you're quite finished, I am going to the tavern.

Bord, wipstand hine!

Well, well, well.

So you have a secret of your own, Merlin.

Leave his body...

..or you will regret it.

Your magic may be powerful, but I have an advantage.

What's that?

I can hurt you...

Culter, ic pe hate!

..whereas you cannot hurt me, without hurting Gaius.

I won't rest until I have found a way to force you out of Gaius' body.

Ah, Gaius. I have been meaning to come and see you.

I've got this terrible pain in my leg.

It is hardly surprising when it has to support that enormous gut.

Arthur?

I have to talk to you.

Arrest him.

What?

Arthur? What are you doing?

Is it true

that you are responsible for the...

afflictions that I and other members of the court have suffered?

What?!

No.

-Gaius.

-I found this in your room.

It's a book of spells and enchantments.

He's lying.

That's not Gaius.

What are you talking about?

He's been possessed by a goblin.

He is reduced to making the most desperate and ridiculous accusations.

You seriously expect me to believe that Gaius is a goblin?

It's controlling him.

Gaius is still in there...

..somewhere.

Do you have any proof of these accusations?

No!

I fear that magic has corrupted you.

It pains me more than I can tell you.

I really doubt that.

My Lord, I have been harbouring a sorcerer. For that, I offer the most sincere apology.

You were not to know, Gaius.

He has fooled us all.

It's not me that's fooling you.

Silence!

You've been found guilty of using magic and enchantments.

In accordance with our laws, you will pay with your life. Take him away.

You clumsy oaf!

Gaius, I will pretend that I didn't hear that.

Are you deaf as well as stupid?

I am a Knight of Camelot, and you will show me some respect.

Fool and I will show you none.

You will learn some manners, or I will teach you some.

You may be old but I cannot let this pass.

Arm yourself.

I'm just a foolish old man who's had far too much to drink.

Please accept my apologies.

A flagon of ale for my friends!

Then I accept your apology.

Gaius...

My apologies again.

I don't know what came over me.

It is forgotten.

Caega, cum her!

BELLS TOLL

Argh!

Shh.

Merlin has escaped.

-It seems he somehow managed to obtain a set of keys.

-Escaped?

How was this allowed to happen?

Incompetence!

I didn't mean to speak out of turn, My Lord.

Gaius is right.

This is unacceptable. The guards should be punished.

-I will see to it personally.

-Search the town. I want Merlin found.

Yes, sire.

We need to force the goblin out of Gaius.

And how do we do that?

I don't know.

-I'll try to sneak back to Gaius' chambers, may be I can find something in one of his books.

-What can I do?

We need to convince Arthur.

Maybe if you speak to him, he might listen to you.

-No, I can't.

-Why?

After what happened in the Council yesterday I can't ever look Arthur in the face again.

I know, it's embarrassing.

It's more than embarrassing, Merlin.

I cannot face him, ever.

Come on, Gwen. It's not that bad. All girls do it, don't they?

Not in public, and certainly not in front of the man they have feelings for.

You still have feelings for Arthur?

Not that it matters now, because he will never be able to look at me in the same way again.

Gwen, if Arthur likes you, he likes you...

Warts and farts and all.

Merlin, I haven't got any warts!

Then you'll talk to him?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, Gaius. Come in.

I believe you wanted to see me?

I wanted to thank you in person. It can't have been easy for you, exposing Merlin like that.

My loyalty to Camelot and your father comes first.

Much appreciated. I should also thank you for ridding me of

the most incompetent, rude and lazy servant Camelot has ever known.

I am just sorry that you had to suffer his ineptitude for so long.

When we catch him, you'll see him hang.

Ah...

I shall look forward to that.

Is something wrong?

The Gaius I know would never look forward to seeing Merlin hang, no matter what he'd done.

Merlin was telling the truth.

HE MOANS

Arthur?

Arthur. It's Guinevere.

Can I come in?

Arthur?

Arthur?

Uh!

What's happened to you?

HE BRAYS

HE WHIMPERS

Did Gaius do this to you?

He's a goblin.

You poor thing.

HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY

HE BRAYS

Sorry.

Merlin's working on a plan.

We'll figure out what to do.

Stay here.

Arthur's a donkey?

He has the ears of a donkey,

and the voice.

He's braying.

He's braying?

Wow.

It's not funny, Merlin.

No, no, of course not. Arthur, with the ears of a donkey.

What's funny about that?

He just looked so pitiful.

I have never seen Arthur look like that.

Did you find anything?

I think so.

If the host body dies, the goblin dies with it.

So if Gaius is dying, the goblin will be forced to leave him.

You want to kill Gaius?

Just briefly.

Once the goblin's out of Gaius we have to trap it in a box lined with lead,

the only container that will hold it.

Where do we get a box lined with lead?

Leave that to me.

Offeall aestel!

Ow!

It is the same for all of us who were in tavern last night.

That is most unfortunate.

Please. Can you treat it?

The infection has no cure.

The itching will become almost unbearable.

Itching? There is no itching.

There will be, soon enough.

Itching so severe it has been known to drive men to madness.

Gaius, please. There must be some remedy.

We will pay whatever it takes.

Hurry up.

I'm doing my best. Gaius normally deals with anything to do with poisons.

As soon as the goblin's out of Gaius, you must give him the antidote.

We only have a few seconds or Gaius will, you know, die.

He's coming!

Ah!

That's disgusting.

You've poisoned me!

You've poisoned Gaius!

Leave his body while you still can.

BUZZING

Give him the antidote!

Get back in the box.

You'll have to catch me first!

Let me out. I promise I won't do it again.

I don't know which one's the antidote. Which one is it?

I don't know.

I think it's this one.

This one!

Are you sure that was the antidote?

Gaius! Come on!

Please, come on, you stubborn old goat!

Who are you calling an old goat?

You mean to tell me it was you who was responsible

for the baldness, the flatulence, the boils and Arthur's donkey ears?

I fear I was, my Lord.

Or at least the goblin was, while I was possessed by it.

Magic has the power to corrupt even the most honourable of men.

Indeed, though I must assure you that Merlin was entirely innocent.

Then he is pardoned.

BANGING AND MOANING

May I suggest that is kept where no-one will ever open it.

See that it's placed in the vaults.

Gaius...

Do you know who was responsible for releasing the goblin in the first place?

I'm afraid I've no idea, my Lord.

GOBLIN MOANS

Now. Secure it now.

My Lord.

Guinevere.

The events of the last few days...

I think it would be best if we...

never spoke of them.

I don't even know what events you're referring to.

Quite.

It's been entirely...uneventful.

I need to train my men.

I must see to these sheets.

SWORDS CLATTER

I see you've been busy undoing the goblin's magic.

As usual, I'll get no thanks for it whatsoever.

Seeing as releasing the goblin was entirely your fault, Merlin,

I am not sure you deserve any thanks.

Arthur doesn't know that.

For your sake, you better hope it stays that way.

HE BRAYS

Merlin...

Just one more day.

HE CLEARS THROAT

It's too good!