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Taxi for Linda

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MUSIC INTRO: 9 To 5 by Dolly Parton

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# Tumble outta bed And a-stumble to the kitchen

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# Pour myself a cup of ambition

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# And yawn and stretch and try to come to life

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# Jump in the shower And the blood starts pumpin'

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# Out on the streets the traffic starts jumpin'

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# With folks like me on the job from 9 to 5

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# Workin' 9 to 5

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# What a way to make a livin'

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# Barely gettin' by It's all takin' and no givin'

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# They just use your mind

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# And they never give you credit

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# It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it

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# 9 to 5 for service and devotion

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# You would think that I would deserve a fair promotion...

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HORN BEEPS # Want to move ahead... #

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Sick of you taxi drivers. Think you own flaming road!

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I'm reporting you to council.

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All right, Linda!

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Hey, we got three numbers and the bonus ball up last night.

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186 quid!

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Between 19 of us.

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I'll buy a bottle of orange squash to celebrate(!)

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HORN BEEPS

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# On the boss man's ladder

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# But you got dreams he'll never take away

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# You're in the same boat with a lotta your friends

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# Waitin' for the day your ship'll come in

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# And the tide's gonna turn

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# And it's all gonna roll your way

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# Workin' 9 to 5

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# What a way to make a livin'

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# Barely gettin' by

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# It's all takin' and no givin'... #

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Anyone for Beresford, near the new Sainsbury's?

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'Sammy 9. Still outside 5 Rawcliffe.

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'Flippin' joke this, Frank!

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'Do your call-back again.'

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'Sammy 9, you big dope - it's 5a!

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She said it's round the back.

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It's the red door next to the wheelie bins.

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'Are you messing! I'm not getting out the cab round here.

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'The rats have got rats!'

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Kwiker Kabs, the cabs that you can trust!

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-KETTLE WHISTLES

-Oh, what's the latest news?

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Have you heard yet?

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Oh, you'll make a lovely grandmother! Mmm, yeah.

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How many she having?

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Eight!

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No, no, no, I'd love one, but, er, no, I'm allergic.

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Yeah, me head swells up like the Elephant Man's. Mmm, yeah.

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No, it doesn't hurt. Only when people can't tell the difference!

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Er, yeah, he should be on his way to you now...

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Oh, you're in luck, it's a blue Renault Espace,

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coming up your road right now.

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Yeah, no problem. Yeah, ta-ra, love.

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'Kenny 1-8. I'll take Beresford.'

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Ah, nice one, Kenny boy.

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TOGETHER: # Kenny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling... #

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'Give it a rest! You're not Kylie and Jason!'

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So?

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All right. All right, know-it-all.

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-I said! What did I say!

-Well...

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'Verno 1-4. You after me?'

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What have I been telling you for months?

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Yeah, hello, Verno.

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Er, just picked a passenger up from the retail park.

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She's left her shopping bag in the back.

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-She's having a mild panic about a prawn ring.

-Aren't we all?

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'Dozy mare. I said, "Check if you've got everything."

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'Yeah, I can see it under the passenger.

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'I'll swing it round there.'

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Ointment and two tablets for five days.

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I should have been a flaming doctor, me.

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-A consultant, more like, the amount of Holby that you watch.

-Oh!

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TOGETHER: You buy one, you get one free!

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Kwiker Kabs, the cab firm you can trust.

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Told you. Send a canary in.

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Pray for the day we get our own ladies!

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This chair's killing me.

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How many times?! One of them massage things from catalogue.

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Shiatsu?

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Bless you. Plug it in and hey presto!

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-Oh-h!

-You'll be a new man.

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-Come here. Is it here?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, there.

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Two games and a bucket of ribs for a tenner at the bowling.

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Yeah, Mike took her Saturday. Never shut up about it.

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Barbecue sauce to die for.

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Why don't you two get up there? It finishes Friday.

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Eh, what d'you reckon? I've nothing in for my tea.

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Bowling? With your back! Anyway, I'm sorted for tonight.

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Last night's spag bol. Always tastes better the day after, doesn't it?

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Right, night, gang.

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Eh, hang on, er... We've not sorted out tomorrow's dinner!

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Oh, yeah. Thursday. Pie day or pasty?

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Pie, but I'm easy.

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Let's go pasty. Live a bit!

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Eh, I'll swing by that French bakery that you like.

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You know, where the...where the bloke pretends to be French.

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There's always a queue out the door!

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Oh, anything for you, ma petite cherie!

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Au revoir!

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Take your time, Francis.

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THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS

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Eh, I'm telling you, he's going to fire the blonde one.

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Are you kidding? She did all selling!

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No, that drip with the spiky hair.

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He were a right waste of space, thought he were Gordon Gekko.

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Yes! Ha-ha!

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'I told you!'

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Oh, it's a fix!

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Two-nil to me!

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All right, I'm going a bo-bo. I'm shattered.

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I'll see you in morning.

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Yeah. I'll see you at the coal face.

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-'Night.'

-Night, Frank.

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Oh, Lind...

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Lind...

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-Sorry about your wait, mate. Yeah, John will take you home.

-Thank you.

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OK, Mr McCreedy, but he did say that he'd rang the bell three times.

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-Nothing in arrears...

-Well, it's not our fault your batteries don't work.

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OK, OK, I'll send you another one... in about 10 minutes.

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-Moaning get from Oakmore. ALL:

-Oh-h!

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-Hate that man.

-You know what? He never tips.

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And now my glamorous assistant will reveal this week's lost property!

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Ta-da! Excitement never stops round here, does it?

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-OK, so today we have...14 umbrellas...

-Oooh!

-Come on.

-Oh, no.

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..a book on Tantric sex... THEY LAUGH

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Eh, let's have a look!

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My ex-wife was an expert at this.

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Oh, I'm sorry. Thought it said "turgid".

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See, he's wasted in here, is our Frank. Quality entertainment.

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You don't get that level of witty repartee at King of Kabs.

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-Er, a man's scarf, 35% cashmere! ALL:

-Oooh!

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Half a bottle of vodka, unopened, no frills, but we're not proud.

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-MEN SHOUT

-Eh, eh, eh, keep your hair on.

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Christmas do.

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One of those low-fat grill thingies, brand new, still in the box.

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Great, I've been after one of them for ages.

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Get back to me 30 waist.

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You don't need one of these, mate. What you need is a time machine.

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-19 Gladesville, off Station?

-I've put two and a half stone on...

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-10 minutes, love.

-..since I've been here!

-Yeah, and you know why?

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You're always in Jean's caff, what d'you expect?

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-And we all know why, don't we?

-ALL:

-Whoo-oooh!

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Loves her hot buttered baps, don't you?

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-Eh, eh, mind your language, there's a lady present.

-Where?

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-Hey, losers!

-Cab's on its... MEN CHEER

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Hey, the man with the tan!

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How you doing?

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All right, Bertie, Bertie, Bertie!

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David Dickinson rang. He wants his skin back.

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Hold me ribs, hold me ribs!

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Well, well, well, Terence. A blast from the past.

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-I heard you were at Lenny's Limo.

-No, no, no, Frank.

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I binned that a long time ago.

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You know what it's like, snotty 16-year-olds throwing up on

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the back seat, doing moonies out of the window. No, got rid of that.

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So what you doing here, then?

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He's taking over my collar for three weeks while I'm in Los Cristianos.

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Any seven-seaters fancy a run out to Manchester airport,

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nine o'clock tonight, pick up from Arrivals?

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Just sussing my options, Frank.

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Er, you're still looking for drivers, though, ain't you?

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Yeah, always. I can sort you out. What you driving at the mo?

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-A big pink limo!

-Oh, very funny, big man. Nice to see you!

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Er, well, I'm just sorting out a trade.

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It'll all be sorted by the time Kenny gets back, you know.

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You have a look what's on the lot? 220 a week, all in.

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I'll have a butcher's, but, you know, can't promise you anything.

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OK, Eddie the Eagle. It's yours.

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I'll text you flight details.

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So...bounced back, have we, Boomerang Boy?

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Hey, Hot Lips!

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TERRY CHUCKLES

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How you been?

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Have you missed me?

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Yeah, like I miss WeightWatchers(!)

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-Nice to see you again, Frank.

-Terence.

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Er, how much, Frank?! You should be wearing a mask.

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-It's only got 130,000 on the clock.

-Frank, I want to lease a car,

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-not something that's been to the moon and back!

-Look,

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-they're all good workhorses, these.

-Yeah?

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Listen, why don't you get yourself a pair of tights,

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-stick it over your nut and hold up a post office, eh?

-Taxed, insured.

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-Fill 'em up and Bob's your auntie.

-No, it's all right.

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I'll go and speak to King of Kabs.

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-Look, you won't find cheaper than this!

-Frank! See you later.

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-Give us a twirl, then.

-Oh, come on.

-Go on.

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Look, I took the plunge, Saturday. You hate it, don't you?

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-Go on, be honest.

-No, no, no, no.

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It's too young, ain't it?

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It's just a bit..."snug".

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Oh-h! I knew I should have gone for the XL.

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Eh, Frank, you taking bookings...

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God, here we go. Go on, give it to me. I can take it.

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..you know, for the Status Quo tribute act?!

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FRANK LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

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Call an ambulance, me sides are splitting.

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No, seriously, I like it. I like it. I really...

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# La-la-la-like it, la-la... #

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Oh, Frankie Rossi, come on!

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All right, Linda?

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Frank, I'm sorry. I weren't laughing at you.

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It's just...

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I mean, it's a really nice jacket.

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Yeah, suits you, Frank. Doesn't it, Chantelle?

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Yeah, not half.

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Me dad's got one exactly the same and he's loads thinner than you.

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-Mum!

-Come on.

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You know what lads are like - any excuse to take the mick.

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Eh? Don't be daft.

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I can't help it if I'm an international style icon,

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-causing jealousy in certain circles. Cuppa?

-Yeah.

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FRANK SIGHS

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Night, Derek.

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-One bonus ball, but nothing with it.

-Oh-h!

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You have a flat tyre.

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Already! I've only had it a fortnight!

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Garage swore it had a new set of wheels!

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You know, it was probably a slow puncture or a leaky wheel valve.

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Can I just stop you there?

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You've started to talk in a foreign language.

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Well, you've probably got a nail stuck in it.

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Best get your bloke to take a look, I reckon.

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Yeah, well, me and George Clooney, it's over,

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ever since he went and married

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that beautiful international high-flying lawyer.

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Oh, you fancy the Clooney, do you?

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Jealous?

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-Er...what of that little runt?

-Wow.

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I'll make sure I've got my tape measure with me,

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-next time I bump into him in KFC.

-Well, I wouldn't bother, Linda, cos,

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you know, I saw him in Burger King recently - he was so small

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he couldn't look over the counter. The lady was going, "Next!

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"Who's next? I can't see anything, who's next?"

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So how much is this going to cost me?

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Nah, put your money away. I'll take a look for you.

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You will?

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Yeah, yeah, come on. You got a spare and a jack in the boot?

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Come on! You do know what a jack is, don't you?

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Yeah, course I do.

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It's in there, right next to the body rolled up in the carpet.

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You know, you're quite funny for a girl.

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Here we go.

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Chantelle!

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Listen up, ladies, it's the job of the week.

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And it's a business meeting, Friday, Plymouth, 4am,

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it's a round trip, same day.

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I've quoted £600. Grand draw in 20 minutes,

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in the hat unless you let me know otherwise.

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Base to Sammy 9. Are you there, Sammy?

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-'All right, Linda. What's up?'

-Your youngest just called office.

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He's forgotten to take his footy boots into school.

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Can you drop them off? He's got a match later.

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'They're at his mother's. Told him yesterday to bring them over.'

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Honestly, you and your ex. I'm going to write out a class timetable

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so everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing

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instead of all this to-ing and fro-ing.

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They treat you like a taxi driver!

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Did you see what I did there?

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-You're wasted in here.

-I know.

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'Why doesn't she ask her new bloke, see if he'll do it?

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'Does everything else, according to her!'

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LINDA CLEARS HER THROAT

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Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.

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No, thanks.

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Oh, flaming Oakmore!

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Yeah, all right, love, it'll be about 10 minutes

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but can you keep your ears open,

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I can't keep sending two drivers all the time.

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So, is that a no, then?

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Oh, I'm just... don't feel hungry today.

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Mr Sunshine from Oakmore anyone?

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What?

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I've never eaten a whole one.

0:13:320:13:33

I don't think I can manage it on my own.

0:13:330:13:35

Test yourself. You never know what you can achieve if you don't try.

0:13:350:13:39

CAR DOOR SHUTS

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Eh, you know that DVD you watched last night?

0:13:490:13:52

Is, er... I never found out what happened in the end.

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-It sounded really good.

-Back in a sec.

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Any chance I could...borrow it?

0:13:570:13:59

You had a four-inch nail in the tread.

0:14:050:14:08

You've had it washed and everything.

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Yeah, full valet, put some smellies in there, the works, you know.

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-Nice motor you've got there, Linda.

-So what do I owe you?

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Sunday.

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Eh?

0:14:200:14:21

Well, that...that's my night off.

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What about it?

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Well, you're going to take me for drinks, aren't you,

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as a way of saying thanks?

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And if you're really lucky,

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I might let you buy me a bag of chips on the way home.

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On one condition.

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Oh, aye. What's that?

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That you keep your hands to yourself,

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cos I ain't that kind of girl.

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Sammy 9. Sammy 9? Your ex called again.

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Yeah, your middle one, he's left his packed lunch behind

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and you're late with the child support.

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Sammy 9?

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His missus is a right one.

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She's turning this place into a Jeremy Kyle on wheels.

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-Frank?

-Yeah?

0:15:150:15:17

Can I ask you something? I need a really honest answer.

0:15:170:15:19

Is it about that egg custard?

0:15:210:15:23

No, it's about office romances.

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Go on.

0:15:320:15:33

I think...Terry Linton just asked me on a date!

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25 Micawber Close - she's been waiting 15 minutes already.

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Someone must be around there?

0:15:550:15:57

-Should have said. I could have fixed it for you.

-Hmm?

0:15:580:16:01

Fixing a tyre, it's a five-minute job.

0:16:010:16:03

Oh. He just offered.

0:16:030:16:05

Come on, you lot, she's a regular.

0:16:050:16:07

She's going to be late for her shift.

0:16:070:16:09

And how much did that cost?

0:16:090:16:11

You should have gone to Sullivan's.

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Go there in future, they look after loads of the lads 'ere.

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Frank, it were a flat tyre, not the end of the world.

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Micawber Close, she's a lovely girl...lap dancer.

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'Jimmy 11 - I'll take her.

0:16:250:16:26

'Derek 2-2 - I'm only round the corner.'

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Jimmy, it's yours. Sorry, Derek, first come, first serve.

0:16:290:16:33

Hang on, what lap-dancing clubs are open

0:16:330:16:36

at half past one in the afternoon?

0:16:360:16:37

None. She's a cleaning lady. Does all offices in town.

0:16:370:16:41

COMPUTER BEEPS

0:16:420:16:43

Listen up, ladies, traffic alert.

0:16:440:16:46

Lights out, New Heys Drive junction meets Waterside,

0:16:460:16:50

just in time for rush hour.

0:16:500:16:52

New Heys Drive - isn't that nice Greek restaurant up there?

0:16:530:16:57

Do you think it'll be lively on a Sunday night?

0:16:570:16:59

Sunday? Who goes out on a Sunday?

0:16:590:17:02

And our official Driver of the Week...

0:17:020:17:04

TOGETHER: Driver of the Week!

0:17:040:17:06

..is Billy 1-7 who helped to deliver a six-pound, four-ounce baby

0:17:060:17:09

on his back seat and got himself on the front page

0:17:090:17:11

of the Chesterfield Shopper! Well done, Billy!

0:17:110:17:13

I'm taking Terry out for a bite.

0:17:130:17:15

I told you this morning, didn't I?

0:17:150:17:17

What? He's making you take him out for fixing a flat tyre?

0:17:180:17:21

Well, he's not "making" me.

0:17:210:17:24

THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY

0:17:320:17:35

-Oh, thank you very much.

-Thanks.

-Mmm.

0:17:360:17:37

So much for Sunday being the new Friday, eh?

0:17:410:17:44

So come on, then, tell me what's changed at Kwiker Kabs

0:17:440:17:46

since I've been away?

0:17:460:17:48

Oh, loads of stuff, yeah. Gents had a lick of paint.

0:17:480:17:51

We bought a new welcome mat.

0:17:510:17:53

We toyed with clubbing together for a juicer,

0:17:530:17:55

but it caused a lot of bad feeling.

0:17:550:17:57

So have you never fancied a change of scenery?

0:17:570:18:00

Nah. Where else would I go?

0:18:000:18:02

-Have a laugh with lads, money's not bad. Cheers.

-Yeah, cheers.

0:18:020:18:05

So go on, tell me... is there a Mr Linda?

0:18:090:18:13

There was. Five fantastic years

0:18:140:18:18

squashed into 15 years of marriage!

0:18:180:18:20

Got a lad, 22 now,

0:18:200:18:23

training to be a quantity surveyor in Bishop Stortford.

0:18:230:18:27

Stuffed vine leaves.

0:18:270:18:28

Never that sure about them, are you?

0:18:280:18:30

So what's the deal with you and Rigsby?

0:18:310:18:33

Who?

0:18:330:18:35

-Frank. You know, you two never...

-HE WHISTLES

0:18:350:18:37

Me and Frank? No! No, no nothing like that. We're just good mates.

0:18:370:18:42

Oh, it's just I had you two down as a right Richard and Judy, you know.

0:18:420:18:45

Oh, yeah, yeah, we get on dead well.

0:18:450:18:48

But no, no, no, it's never been anything like that, no.

0:18:480:18:51

It's all right. I'm just finding out the lay of the land, that's all.

0:18:510:18:53

Do you want to dip in me taramasalata?

0:19:000:19:01

No, thanks. Trying to give it up.

0:19:030:19:05

THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS

0:19:090:19:10

'Come on, lads, don't go shy on me. Anyone for Smithfield...'

0:19:370:19:41

Sorry, I'm always forgetting to turn that off.

0:19:410:19:43

You must get fed up, listening to us lot blathering on all day.

0:19:430:19:46

Well, normally it's quite entertaining,

0:19:460:19:48

obviously not your bit, but...

0:19:480:19:50

Quite the silver-tongued fox, aren't you?

0:19:520:19:54

Well, so they tell me.

0:19:540:19:55

Right, well, um, night, then.

0:19:570:19:59

Night, then.

0:19:590:20:00

Hold on, where d'you think you're going?

0:20:000:20:02

KETTLE WHISTLES

0:20:080:20:10

Ground Control to all cabs.

0:20:170:20:18

There's some dodgy tenners doing the rounds, so watch out, ladies.

0:20:180:20:23

-Morning.

-Hiya.

-Nice weekend?

0:20:230:20:25

Oh, well, you know, I mowed the lawn.

0:20:250:20:29

I went to IKEA and, er, lost the will to live. You?

0:20:290:20:33

Oh, shattered.

0:20:330:20:35

Out Friday, out Saturday

0:20:350:20:37

and then Sunday lunch at that new tapas place.

0:20:370:20:40

Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.

0:20:400:20:43

Yeah, yeah, just let me check, love, 14 Delamere...

0:20:430:20:47

Jimmy 1-1, you on your way to Delamere Crescent?

0:20:470:20:51

Er, he's at the lights at Crawford Road.

0:20:510:20:54

Driver's at Crawford, love, be about two minutes, red Ford Mondeo.

0:20:540:20:58

-Sorry for the wait.

-So you went out with the girls, then?

0:20:580:21:00

Er, no, no, Terry took me out.

0:21:000:21:02

So, er, this a thing, you and him?

0:21:040:21:06

Well, you know, the boys were just wondering,

0:21:070:21:09

you know, they love a bit of gossip.

0:21:090:21:11

Oh, I don't know. You'll have to ask Terry.

0:21:110:21:13

When do you officially become official?

0:21:130:21:15

'Verno 1-4. Heard there's dodgy tenners doing the rounds too.'

0:21:150:21:18

Yeah, roger that.

0:21:180:21:20

Well, I just wondered, you know, you've been...

0:21:210:21:23

what, out six times in two weeks, you know, that's official, isn't it?

0:21:230:21:27

Have we? Who's counting?

0:21:280:21:30

Just wondering if I should be buying a hat.

0:21:330:21:35

Come on, Frank, get some chips, eh?

0:22:020:22:04

Ah, no.

0:22:040:22:05

I said, "Sunshine, it's £28.50," and he said, "Call the police." I said,

0:22:140:22:17

"You can call an ambulance unless you get your wallet out, mate."

0:22:170:22:20

I hope you're not using threatening behaviour with the passengers.

0:22:200:22:23

-It's all they understand around here, Frank.

-I hate runners.

0:22:230:22:26

I had one last week.

0:22:260:22:27

-Chased him right along the canal.

-Keeps you fit.

-Look, I'm serious.

0:22:270:22:30

You can't be threatening our customers.

0:22:300:22:32

The Licensing will be all over us.

0:22:320:22:33

I'm not running a charity, all right?

0:22:330:22:35

What are we supposed to do?

0:22:350:22:36

It's all right for you sitting in here, Frank.

0:22:360:22:39

Your wages are guaranteed.

0:22:390:22:41

Yeah.

0:22:410:22:42

That's settle, all paid up. Linda, lost property, please.

0:22:420:22:46

Oh! Oh, nowt exotic. Nine brollies,

0:22:460:22:50

a pair of kids' mittens, a vintage Nokia.

0:22:500:22:54

Anyone fancy...

0:22:550:22:56

Oh.

0:22:560:22:58

Anyone fancy a pick-up from the hospital?

0:22:590:23:01

Pick up some meds for ENT at St Eddie's.

0:23:010:23:03

Eh, Linda, you got anything else in that box?

0:23:030:23:06

Only, er, I seem to have lost my heart.

0:23:060:23:08

Thought there was a funny smell in here.

0:23:080:23:10

Must be all the stale cheese.

0:23:100:23:13

Hello, Kwiker Kabs the cabs you can trust.

0:23:140:23:16

All right, Verno?

0:23:210:23:23

15 Ashbridge Road to station, rush job,

0:23:260:23:29

needs to be on 13.47 to Euston.

0:23:290:23:31

I thought you'd popped out. Where's your motor?

0:23:320:23:35

Didn't I tell you the other week? Terry's been borrowing it.

0:23:350:23:38

Jimmy 1-1, can you pick up, please?

0:23:380:23:40

'Sammy 9. I'll take Ashbridge, Linda, right by there.'

0:23:400:23:43

Nice one, Sammy.

0:23:430:23:45

-I thought he was cab-sharing with the night collars?

-Oh, no.

0:23:450:23:47

That were ages ago.

0:23:470:23:49

-Well, where's his wheels?

-Oh, he took it in for a trade-in

0:23:490:23:52

and they said that his radiator had gone or his carburretor or whatever.

0:23:520:23:55

Anyway, that needs fixing before they'll even look at it.

0:23:550:23:57

Kettle's done, I've not had a minute.

0:23:570:23:59

COMPUTER BEEPS

0:23:590:24:00

Oh, look at that. Houston, we have a problem.

0:24:000:24:04

Accident at Borough, corner of Eton. Lorry into a wall, sounds messy.

0:24:040:24:08

-How long you letting him have it?

-As long as he needs.

0:24:080:24:11

He reckons his might not even be worth fixing, might be a goner.

0:24:110:24:13

-'Jimmy 1-1. You want me?'

-Yeah, hiya, Jim. That last pick-up,

0:24:130:24:17

thinks she might have left her pension book on your backseat.

0:24:170:24:20

-So he's doing his shifts in yours?

-Well, yeah, why not?

0:24:200:24:22

It makes sense if I've just got it parked up here all day.

0:24:220:24:25

-I hope he's paying you settle?

-'It's not in my cab.

0:24:250:24:28

'I'll bet she's dropped it in the road, the daft old moo.'

0:24:280:24:31

All right, Jim, I'll give her a call back. She's in a right tizz.

0:24:310:24:34

-Got manageress of post office to call us.

-'She still there?'

0:24:340:24:37

-Eh, the mileage won't half add up.

-Er, yeah, I think so.

0:24:370:24:40

They were giving her a cup of tea to calm her down.

0:24:400:24:42

'I'll shoot back, give her a lift home.'

0:24:420:24:45

Aw, you're a sweetheart. Isn't he lovely?

0:24:450:24:47

Base to all drivers, I know it's only Tuesday

0:24:470:24:50

but Jimmy 1-1 is already officially Driver of the Week.

0:24:500:24:54

TOGETHER: Driver of the Week!

0:24:540:24:56

-Linda, I don't think you've thought this through.

-It's only a car.

0:24:560:24:58

-You'll have to get him fully comp.

-He sorted it out with his insurance.

0:24:580:25:01

It's a pile of paperwork. Licensing need to know the exact vehicle.

0:25:010:25:05

He knows.

0:25:050:25:07

Oh, God, he's got some nerve asking you for your motor.

0:25:070:25:10

Frank, don't worry about it.

0:25:100:25:12

'Sammy 9. 15 Ashcroft just flagged down a hackney!

0:25:120:25:16

'Right in front of me!'

0:25:160:25:17

What about wear and tear?

0:25:170:25:19

The cow! I'll put her on blacklist.

0:25:190:25:21

It's only for a few weeks.

0:25:210:25:22

And what if it can't be fixed?

0:25:220:25:24

He can't expect to gad about in yours for free!

0:25:240:25:26

Honestly, Frank, it's not a problem.

0:25:260:25:29

I'm not going to start charging the bloke I love for using me car, am I?

0:25:290:25:32

-OK, what about there? Is that nice?

-Ooh. Up a tiny bit.

0:25:420:25:45

-Yeah, right on the shoulder blade.

-Like that?

-Perfect!

0:25:450:25:47

It'll be about ten minutes, ten minutes, yeah.

0:25:470:25:49

How do you not notice you've left your arm in the back of a cab?

0:25:490:25:53

Dead useful, though. Come 'ere, give us it.

0:25:530:25:55

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

0:25:550:25:56

Eh, Sammy, you could do with one of those,

0:25:580:26:00

save getting yourself a bird wouldn't it, eh?

0:26:000:26:02

Give us a go!

0:26:020:26:04

Here you are.

0:26:040:26:06

Anyone for Miller Lane?

0:26:060:26:08

RAUCOUS CHEERING

0:26:080:26:10

Oi! Will you lot please keep it down?!

0:26:100:26:12

This is supposed to be a place of work, not a flaming playground!

0:26:120:26:17

-Oooh!

-Eh, Sugar Lips, catch you later.

0:26:170:26:20

Linda.

0:26:220:26:24

Frank, watch.

0:26:330:26:35

So versatile. Every home should have one.

0:26:370:26:40

I hope no-one claims it.

0:26:400:26:42

I've known Frank for years and never known him anything

0:26:510:26:54

but laughing and joking, until this last couple of months.

0:26:540:26:56

Don't get involved. How d'you fancy phoning for a take-out,

0:26:560:26:59

to save you cooking?

0:26:590:27:01

He's my mate.

0:27:010:27:02

-But it's not your problem.

-Well, I still want to look out for him.

0:27:020:27:06

Really obvious.

0:27:070:27:10

He's got the hots for you.

0:27:100:27:11

-Oh, don't be stupid! No, not Frank.

-Here we go.

0:27:110:27:15

It's never been anything like that. No way!

0:27:150:27:17

Well, that's not what he thinks.

0:27:170:27:18

Well, I've never given him any impression.

0:27:180:27:20

Well, you can't stop him fancying you, can you?

0:27:200:27:22

Right, I fancy beef curry, half rice, half chips.

0:27:220:27:26

Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.

0:27:440:27:46

Oh, no, sorry love, you want, er... you want all the eights.

0:27:460:27:50

You all right, Frank?

0:28:030:28:05

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

0:28:050:28:06

You just seem a bit...quiet that's all.

0:28:080:28:10

-Would you mind if I went and got my dinner?

-Help yourself.

0:28:170:28:19

THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS

0:28:300:28:31

TV STOPS

0:28:490:28:50

Base to Terry 1-0.

0:29:100:29:11

Base to Terry 1-0. Can you pick up, please?

0:29:170:29:20

And it's definitely got air conditioning? Sounds great.

0:29:520:29:56

Yeah, yeah, seven nights...

0:29:560:29:58

Um, oh, twin room?

0:30:000:30:03

But you can push the beds together?

0:30:030:30:05

Yeah, yeah, it's our three-month anniversary.

0:30:050:30:08

LINDA GIGGLES

0:30:080:30:09

Yeah, oh, well, yeah, I've just got to double-check with my fella,

0:30:100:30:14

but it sounds perfect.

0:30:140:30:15

I'll ring you back in about half an hour. Is that OK?

0:30:150:30:17

OK. Bye. Bye.

0:30:170:30:19

Terry 1-0 to base.

0:30:230:30:25

Soon as you can.

0:30:250:30:26

Cuppa?

0:30:340:30:36

Yes, please, if you're making one.

0:30:360:30:38

Well, I wouldn't be offering if I wasn't, would I?

0:30:380:30:41

Terry.

0:30:570:30:58

Frank.

0:30:590:31:00

So when did they release you back into the wild, then?

0:31:020:31:04

Taking your time with the drop-offs. Chatty one, was she?

0:31:040:31:07

You know what it's like - old lady, loves to chat.

0:31:070:31:09

Yak-yak-yak. Helping her out with the bins.

0:31:090:31:11

See, I had you down as smarter than that.

0:31:130:31:15

-I was banking on you saying it was your sister-in-law.

-Eh?

0:31:150:31:18

You see I did the old ring-back.

0:31:180:31:20

Didn't exactly sound like someone's nan.

0:31:200:31:22

Cup of coffee, bit of banter.

0:31:240:31:26

Twice a week?

0:31:260:31:27

Hey-hey!

0:31:280:31:30

Proper little Miss Marple, ain't you, eh, Frank?

0:31:300:31:32

What is your beef, eh? Time is me own.

0:31:330:31:37

This car isn't.

0:31:370:31:38

What you going to do? Grass on me to Linda, are you?

0:31:400:31:43

Razzing around in her wheels,

0:31:440:31:46

stringing her along and all the time you're seeing another woman.

0:31:460:31:50

-Oh, behave, Frank!

-I'm not sure she'd be too happy about that.

0:31:500:31:52

What? Whoa, whoa. I thought you were supposed to be my mate?

0:31:520:31:55

She's my mate, not you.

0:31:550:31:57

Right, Frank, Frank, Frank. I'm going to be straight with you, OK?

0:31:570:32:00

On the level. I'm skint.

0:32:000:32:01

That car that I was supposed to trade in got repo'd.

0:32:010:32:05

Yeah, why don't you throw a dead dog into the equation.

0:32:050:32:07

This isn't an X-Factor audition.

0:32:070:32:09

I know it sounds like a bogus story. I've got the ex wife on my back,

0:32:090:32:12

council want to take me to court,

0:32:120:32:13

and I'm getting the agg with the finance.

0:32:130:32:15

And along comes Linda with a four-door saloon. Perfect.

0:32:150:32:17

-What's the big deal? I'm just borrowing the car.

-And what else?

0:32:170:32:20

She's getting excited about booking a three-star holiday in Lanzarote!

0:32:200:32:23

-I didn't ask her to. I don't have that kind of money.

-Yeah,

0:32:230:32:25

but you can afford to put your hand in your pocket for your sunbeds, can't you?

0:32:250:32:29

It wasn't supposed to get serious.

0:32:310:32:32

If only you'd told her that.

0:32:330:32:35

Frank, come on! I don't have this kind of money.

0:32:350:32:37

You know what it's like on the road.

0:32:370:32:39

You got to pay your settle, your diesel and all the other things...

0:32:390:32:42

-Everybody's in the same boat!

-No, except you, Frank! Except you!

0:32:420:32:45

You're all right. Cushy little number, sitting behind the desk.

0:32:450:32:48

Popping out all the orders, doing your thing.

0:32:480:32:51

It's not about the money. It's about doing the decent thing.

0:32:510:32:55

No, Frank. Hey, Frank.

0:32:570:33:00

Oi, you listen to me. It's always about the money, OK?

0:33:000:33:03

I can't afford to be a stand-up human being!

0:33:030:33:05

I've got the bailiffs on my back. Oi-oi-oi, I'm talking to you,

0:33:050:33:08

and they do not care about principles, all right?

0:33:080:33:11

Frank, I'm living day-to-day on these payday loans.

0:33:110:33:14

Frank, listen, I'm talking to you.

0:33:140:33:15

You listen to me when I'm talking to you.

0:33:150:33:17

If she's a good friend of yours, then you will say nothing.

0:33:170:33:20

Oi! You listen to me. Frank! Oi.

0:33:200:33:23

-Oi-oi-oi, you say nothing.

-ENGINE REVS

0:33:230:33:25

Frank!

0:33:250:33:27

Houston, we have a problem. Chanley Road, burst water main.

0:33:570:34:01

-Blooming MOT. 470 quid!

-Don't suppose Terry's paying for that?

0:34:060:34:11

-Cuppa?

-Yep.

0:34:120:34:14

Linda...

0:34:200:34:22

..if something was going on,

0:34:230:34:24

something you didn't want to know about,

0:34:240:34:26

you know, someone wasn't playing fair...

0:34:260:34:29

Something on your mind, Frank?

0:34:290:34:30

-You'd want to know about it, wouldn't you?

-Depends what it was.

0:34:300:34:33

19 Fairways Drive. You might want to check his timesheet.

0:34:350:34:40

-And?

-Well, he seems to spend quite a lot of time there.

0:34:410:34:44

So, Terry's got another woman behind me back?

0:34:450:34:47

Is that what you're getting at?

0:34:470:34:48

Well, I just thought you'd want to know.

0:34:480:34:50

No. You wanted me to know. You've been dying to tell me.

0:34:500:34:54

Well, guess what? Terry said that you'd try and cause trouble,

0:34:540:34:57

told me all about it.

0:34:570:34:58

Old lady, been taking her out on pension day for years,

0:34:580:35:01

shopping, always wants him to stop for a brew, talks the leg off him.

0:35:010:35:04

Linda, I know you don't want to believe it,

0:35:040:35:06

but I had everything checked out.

0:35:060:35:08

Yeah, yeah, he told me that you've been snooping about.

0:35:080:35:11

I saw you outside my place. You've turned into a right weirdo.

0:35:110:35:13

-Yeah, well, I was just looking out for you.

-Is that what you call it?

0:35:130:35:16

Prowling about, lurking in bushes, checking up on people.

0:35:160:35:19

Linda, are you stupid? Please!

0:35:190:35:21

Don't let him walk all over you.

0:35:210:35:23

It's none of your business.

0:35:230:35:25

He's taking you for a ride.

0:35:250:35:27

Who says? I mean, I'm sorry. Did I look too happy?

0:35:270:35:30

You had to pour a whole bucket of dog toffee all over me.

0:35:300:35:33

You know, Terry were right about you.

0:35:330:35:36

You've sat there for years

0:35:360:35:37

and not had the guts to ask me out on one lousy date.

0:35:370:35:40

And now you're fuming because he's rocked up and swept me off my feet.

0:35:400:35:44

Well, whether you like it or not, he's a proper man!

0:35:440:35:47

Proper man? One that's using you, Linda!

0:35:470:35:51

'Jesus, I can do better than you, Frank! You're pathetic.

0:35:510:35:55

'I can't believe you'd say something as malicious as this.

0:35:550:35:58

'What have I ever done to you?'

0:35:580:35:59

Look, he's been there for over three quarters of an hour -

0:35:590:36:02

watching Countdown with some old biddy?

0:36:020:36:04

What does it take to convince you?

0:36:040:36:06

Stay out of my life, Frank.

0:36:060:36:08

I'm taking an early dinner.

0:36:090:36:11

Linda, please don't let him treat you like this.

0:36:110:36:13

Save it, I'm not interested.

0:36:130:36:15

Wake up. He's desperate to make some readies.

0:36:150:36:18

You need to stop this now, Frank,

0:36:180:36:20

or I'm going to have to change the roster.

0:36:200:36:22

I'll pick up some teabags while I'm out.

0:36:230:36:26

Linda!

0:36:270:36:28

He doesn't want you.

0:36:280:36:31

Oh, This is just nasty for sake of it now.

0:36:310:36:35

Wake up, Linda!

0:36:350:36:37

It's the car, woman!

0:36:370:36:39

All he wanted was the car!

0:36:390:36:42

I need a lift.

0:36:580:37:00

I'm sorry.

0:37:210:37:22

KNOCKS ON DOOR

0:37:400:37:41

Looking good for 84.

0:37:480:37:50

Must give me the name of your face cream.

0:37:500:37:52

You being funny?

0:37:520:37:53

Is Terry here?

0:37:530:37:55

Don't know no Terry.

0:37:560:37:57

Drives that taxi?

0:37:570:37:58

Oh, you mean Tony?

0:38:000:38:01

His name's Terry.

0:38:010:38:03

Tony! Someone here for you.

0:38:030:38:06

You all right, sweetheart? Oh...

0:38:090:38:11

Thought you said you weren't married.

0:38:110:38:13

Yeah, well, you are!

0:38:130:38:14

-Keys.

-Right, Lin, Linda, this...

0:38:140:38:17

This is not what it looks like, all right? Just...

0:38:170:38:19

Happy now? Go on. Get lost.

0:38:300:38:32

-Hold on, how am I supposed to get back?

-Call a cab.

0:38:330:38:36

Oh-h!

0:38:400:38:41

MEN CHAT

0:39:000:39:01

All knew, didn't you?

0:39:030:39:05

All having a good laugh at me behind my back!

0:39:050:39:08

-Heaven!

-She is not a happy bunny, is she?

-No.

0:39:090:39:12

It's not our fault, is it? It was all over the radio!

0:39:120:39:15

We didn't ask them to play it.

0:39:150:39:17

You can tell Frank I've resigned.

0:39:170:39:19

Oi, Frank! What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her,

0:39:290:39:32

but you could not keep your fat, big mouth shut, could you?

0:39:320:39:36

You think I didn't want to see her happy? Well, I'm sorry, Terry.

0:39:360:39:41

Get your stuff, you're finished here.

0:39:410:39:45

All right, Linda?

0:40:000:40:01

-Hiya, Derek.

-How you doing?

0:40:020:40:04

Yeah, fine, you know, still waiting for rollover.

0:40:040:40:08

Any chance of you coming back?

0:40:080:40:10

Nah, don't think so.

0:40:100:40:11

Shame. You're still in the syndicate, I've made sure of that.

0:40:110:40:15

Well, best get going.

0:40:190:40:21

Yeah. See you.

0:40:210:40:22

Bye.

0:40:220:40:24

Me and the lads,

0:40:240:40:26

we did know.

0:40:260:40:27

He's always been the same - women all over the place.

0:40:270:40:31

It's just the way he is.

0:40:310:40:32

It's only Frank had the guts to tell you.

0:40:330:40:36

See you.

0:40:390:40:40

See you.

0:40:400:40:41

Any six-seaters for the races?

0:41:110:41:13

'Verno 1-4, I'll take that. And did you forget?

0:41:140:41:18

'I took some old geezer to A&E and waited with him

0:41:180:41:20

'for four hours till he got seen.

0:41:200:41:23

'Why aren't I Driver of the Week?'

0:41:230:41:25

We're not doing that any more.

0:41:250:41:27

MUSIC INTRO: Lovely Day by Bill Withers

0:41:490:41:52

# When I wake up in the morning, love... #

0:42:190:42:23

Good morning, Kwiker Kabs, the cabs you can trust.

0:42:230:42:26

# And the sunlight hurts my eyes

0:42:260:42:29

# And something without warning, love

0:42:290:42:32

# Bears heavy on my mind

0:42:340:42:36

# Then I look at you

0:42:380:42:40

# And the world's all right with me

0:42:420:42:45

# Just one look at you

0:42:480:42:49

# And I know it's gonna be

0:42:510:42:53

# A lovely day

0:42:570:42:58

# Lovely day, lovely day... #

0:42:580:43:01

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