The Registrar Moving On

Welcome, everyone, to our lovely town hall, where we are gathered

to witness the marriage of Ashkir and Jamaal.

If anyone knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage,

he or she should declare it now.

So far, so good!

-The ring?

-Ah, yes.

Now, Ashkir, repeat after me.

-I give you this ring...

-I give you this ring...

..as a token of my love and affection...

..as a token of my love and affection...

..and I call upon these persons here present...

..and I call upon these persons here present...

..to witness that I, Ashkir Dalma...

..to witness that I, Ashkir Dalma ...

..do take thee, Jamaal Osman...

..do take thee, Jamaal Osman...

..to be my lawful wedded wife.

..to be my lawful wedded wife.

-For better, for worse.

-For better, for worse.

-For richer, for poorer.

-For richer, for poorer.

-In sickness and in health.

-In sickness and in health.

Until death us do part.

Until death us do part.

And now, Jamaal.

-I, Jamaal Osman...

-I, Jamaal Osman...

..do take thee, Ashkir Dalma...

..do take thee, Ashkir Dalma...

-..to be my lawful wedded husband.

-..to be my lawful wedded husband.

-For better, for worse.

-For better, for worse.

-For richer, for poorer.

-For richer, for poorer.

-In sickness and in health.

-In sickness and in health.

-Till death us do part.

-Till death us do part.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

But I will not let you kiss the bride yet

-because you have something to say, I believe, Ashkir?

-Yes.

I asked Ashkir if he'd thought about going home for the honeymoon.

"Yes," he said.

"42 Knowlson Street, across from the chippy!"

My beautiful Jamaal.

We were born just a few miles apart.

Yet we had to cross continents to meet in England

with its oh-so-cold weather.

But also warm welcome.

I thought I could never be happier than the day I reached England.

But, today, I am happier still.

My beautiful Jamaal...

..I will love you till the day I die.

You may now kiss the bride.

Jamaal, just there. Are you going anywhere nice to celebrate?

-I've got to work in four hours.

-Oh.

-How long have you been a registrar?

22 years. Thank you. No going back now!

-22 years, huh?

-And I still love every minute.

Have you ever tried counting how many people you have married

-in all that time?

-Oh, thousands, must be.

-Thank you.

-All those photographs,

all those wedding albums you'll be in, huh?

If the witnesses would step up? Thank you.

And second witness?

Right, shall we have some photographs?

-If we start with the signing of the register.

-Now, for legal reasons,

we cannot use the real register but I come prepared.

Thank you very much. And now, can I ask everybody to come in?

If we put the bride and groom in the middle and everyone makes their way

-either side.

-That's it, just tuck in.

Right, smile, everyone, for Ashkir's auntie.

Thank you. And one for Jamaal's sister.

Stay where you are. That's lovely.

Thank you. And one for us.

Thank you very much. Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

-Thanks.

-You love what you do and it shows, it's infectious.

Keep going, Kev!

-Are you OK for a lift?

-Yeah, Frank's coming. HORN HONKS

-Oh. Talk of!

-See you tomorrow.

-Yeah, see you.

-Been waiting long?

-Just come in.

-Who's that?

-Kevin, senior registrar.

-Good day?

-Not bad. You?

-Yeah.

Good. What are we having?

-Chicken stir-fry!

-Yes!

It was beautiful. Not many there but really beautiful.

I love marrying people from far-flung countries.

-Why?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Are we having pudding?

-Yeah.

When you marry British people, you wonder,

do they know what they're saying? "Till death do us part."

Do they actually know what that means? Or does it mean

until someone else comes along.

-What wine are we having?

-Er, Pinot.

But these two today...

-Taste that.

-Oh.

Bit more chilli.

Now...

-Which one's the Pinot?

-It's on the top.

DOORBELL RINGS

They're here.

Hello, love.

-Dad's doing a stir-fry.

-Yes!

-Charlie.

-Hello, Sandra.

-In you come.

-Thank you very much.

-Dad!

They've fled war and famine, seen parents killed, babies starved,

and ended up here with nothing but the clothes on their backs.

-Are you sure?

-Positive.

Thanks. When people like that vow to stay together, you believe it.

-Any more than people who've never known hardship?

-Yes! Because people

who've known pain and suffering don't take anything lightly,

least of all vows.

-Charlie! Sweetheart, you start.

-Thank you.

-I think she's pregnant.

-Why?

-She didn't drink.

-She was driving.

She's pregnant.

I am so, so sorry.

Honestly, I'm going to be late to my own funeral one day!

-Sandra.

-That's fine. Andrew.

-Hello.

-Marie.

Hi. Please, have a seat.

Um, Kevin Galt is outside, he's my senior registrar,

and he's been observing me this week.

But if you'd sooner just keep it as the three of us, then...

-No, that's fine with us.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

Kevin?

-Kevin, this is Marie.

-Hello, Marie.

-And Andrew.

-How do you do?

-Pleased to meet you, Andrew.

We like to keep an eye on her, you know, keep her on her toes!

Shall we deal with the documents first?

Passports, so I know I've got the right people.

-Yes.

-Thank you. Thanks.

-Birth certificates?

-Yes.

Thanks. And driving licence.

-I don't drive.

-Oh, anything with your address on.

-Utility bill?

-Yes.

-That's perfect.

Now, I'll photocopy these and then I'll get them back to you.

Now, in answer to your e-mail,

you can say practically anything you like. But you've got to exchange

vows and you've got to avoid anything religious because,

obviously, this is a civil ceremony.

But, apart from that, pretty much anything.

-What did you have in mind?

-Well, um, I'm writing something,

and I was hoping you'd read it for me.

Of course, yes. I look forward to it.

-Sorry.

-No, that's OK.

-Woo! My God!

-Sorry!

-What have you been doing with these seats?

-I dropped something and I went looking for it.

-Ha.

-Good day?

Yeah, good. We had a lovely couple.

In their 70s.

And so in love.

INDISTINCT TV CHATTER

-Oh, no.

-What?

-I said I'd call Emma.

-Well, it's nearly ten o'clock.

Better late than never.

-Have you put a password on this?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-In case I lose it,

-you know what I'm like.

-Well, what is it?

-I'll do it.

It's ringing.

You should put one on yours.

Would you turn that down?

Hello, love, it's Mum.

You're not going to believe this but I totally forgot.

I'll wait in the car.

OPERATIC SINGING ON RADIO

Have you got the keys?

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. Fine.

Now, Murray, could you repeat after me?

-I give you this ring...

-I give you this ring...

..as a token of my love and affection...

..as a token of my love and affection...

..and I call upon these persons here present...

..and I call upon these persons here present...

..to witness that I, Murray John Campbell...

..to witness that I, Murray John Campbell...

..do take thee, Eugene Fraser...

..do take thee, Eugene Fraser...

..to be my lawful wedded husband.

..to be my lawful wedded husband.

-For richer, for poorer.

-For richer, for poorer.

-In sickness and in health.

-In sickness and in health.

Till death us do part.

Till death us do part.

Now, Eugene.

I give you this ring...

I give you this ring...

..as a token of my love and affection...

..as a token of my love and affection...

..and I call upon these persons here present...

..and I call upon these persons here present...

..to witness that I, Eugene Fraser...

..to witness that I, Eugene Fraser...

..do take thee, Murray John Campbell...

..do take thee, Murray John Campbell...

..to be my lawful wedded husband.

To be my lawful wedded husband.

For richer, for poorer.

For richer, for poorer.

-In sickness and in health.

-In sickness and in health.

Till death us do part.

Till death us do part.

Same-sex marriages started on the 29th of March 2014.

And I've done a lot since then.

But this is the bit I never tire of,

the bit where I say to the groom,

you may now kiss the groom.

APPLAUSE

Are you OK?

-Yeah.

-Are you doing your Greta Garbo?

-Sorry?

-"I vant to be alone."

-No.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

I'm fine.

-What's up?

-I...

I'm getting a bit of a headache.

-Have you taken anything?

-Aspirin.

I've got some stuff in my bag that'll get rid of anything.

-Thanks.

-Yeah, I get migraines, you see, so...

They always do the business.

-Thanks.

-Yeah, I'll get them.

Are you going to buckle up?

Not yet.

-What?

-I'm waiting for Kevin to go.

Why?

You're not very good at this, are you, Frank?

What are you playing at?

Sandra, where are you going?

Get in the car! Oh, for God's sake!

Sandra! Just get in!

I'm not letting you walk home.

You'll never get a cab round here.

It's a five-mile walk, Sandra.

I'll drag you in here, and I mean it.

You are NOT walking home.

-HE SIGHS

-Come on, just get in.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Listen, I've got to go. Yeah, she's back.

Did you walk all the way?

I wanted to think.

You haven't so much as held me for months, Frank, why is that?

Why is that?

-I've been tired.

-Tired?

-Yes.

-I'm getting older.

-Who's been looking in the mirror?

-What mirror?

-The mirror in the car.

-No-one.

-I close it.

You drive off. You come back, it's open again, why is that?

-I've no idea.

-And since when have you been into opera?

-What?

-Well, you've got a new CD.

Opera. I'm not into it, you're not into it,

-so it must be for someone else.

-It's not.

-A woman.

-That's ridiculous.

The same woman who's been checking her face in the mirror.

-That's absolutely ridiculous.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-Why mess about with the seat?

I told you, I dropped something.

Twice?

-What?

-Once it was too far forward, once it was too far back.

-Yes.

-What was it you dropped?

-Money.

-And why put a password on your phone?

I told you, in case it gets stolen.

Why would anyone want to steal a phone like yours, Frank?

-It's ancient!

-They steal all kinds of phones.

-Tell it to me.

-Tell you what?

-The password.

-No.

-Unlock it, then.

-No.

-Unlock it and let me look.

-No.

-What have you got to hide, Frank?

-Nothing!

-So unlock it!

Oh, God.

Yeah.

Her name's Lisa.

Oh, God.

Lisa?

Yes.

Is she someone you teach with?

Yes.

How old?

42.

She's only been at the school a couple of years.

About eight months ago... she sat in on a lesson.

She was impressed.

Said I was the best teacher she'd ever seen.

It started from there.

-Eight months?

-Yeah.

Was I right about the car?

Yeah.

I pick her up from work.

Do you really want to hear this?

Oh, yes.

We drive to a place we know.

Afterwards, I drop her off around the corner from her house.

-Around the corner?

-Yeah.

So she's married?

-Yeah.

-Kids?

Yes.

Who? How old?

Three. Er, Jackie, 22, working.

Annie is at uni.

Uh, Patrick, who's 17.

Got his exams in August.

We were waiting until after that to tell you all.

It's serious, then?

-Yeah.

-She's leaving him and you're leaving me?

Yes.

What are you doing?

-Calling Emma.

-Why?

Because she has a right to know, that's why.

Because she'd object to your slut's 17-year-old son dictating

when I get told and she gets told something as crucial as this.

-What does he do?

-Who?

-The husband.

-He's a builder.

Oh, tough guy, then!

I can't wait till you tell him.

Oh, hello, love, it's Mum here.

Could you call me back as soon as you can?

-Thanks, love.

-She'll think there's something wrong.

There is something wrong!

With us, with our health.

I want the car.

You can have it.

I haven't got a key.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, love.

No. There's nothing wrong.

Well, there is, but no-one's sick, no broken bones.

Can I ask you something?

Are you pregnant?

She's pregnant.

I just guessed.

Do you know what...

A girl.

I am over the moon for you, love.

But your father's got something to tell you.

Oh, God, no.

Would you sooner she got my version?

Ask her when.

Hi, love.

I'm delighted for you.

When is she due?

August?

Listen.

There's no easy way of saying this.

I'm leaving your mum.

There's someone else.

There's been someone else for quite a while now.

I'm torn. It's not fair to either of them, especially...

Don't...swear, love.

Please, love, don't use that language.

Emma, don't call her that.

Her name's Lisa.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Eight months?

Yeah.

So it was going on when we were in Crete?

Yes.

So it was going on when we...

Yeah.

Everything. Inside and out.

Well, this is it.

Ah, this is lovely.

-It is, isn't it?

-Uh, oh, I've written something.

-Right.

-And, uh...

..we'd like you to mention our previous partners.

They both passed away, of course.

And we're worried it might put a dampener on things.

What do you think?

Sandra?

Oh, I think that sounds lovely.

And you're sure you still want me to read this?

-Oh, yes.

-You wouldn't prefer to read it yourself?

Oh, God, no.

I'd just cry. And he'd make a mess of things.

Right.

Well, I'll have a good read of it later on.

Have you still got that headache?

-Yeah.

-Did you take those pills I gave you?

-Yeah.

-No good?

-No.

-Sandra, they're bazookas, those things. They should have cleared it

-up for you.

-It'll go.

-I think you should get checked out.

-Yeah, I will!

-No, I mean now.

Kevin! Tell me where I'm going wrong work-wise, but nothing else, please.

OK?

OK.

People can make up their own vows, yes.

Uh, I'll hold, yeah, thanks.

But would it be possible for you not to play that music?

I disagree, Mrs Thorpe.

HOLD MUSIC PLAYS I love civil ceremonies.

When two people marry in church that's nice, it's really nice.

But when two people marry in a registry office,

two people whose lives have been torn apart by religion and who now

want no part of it,

two people who've met thousands of miles away from home,

that's not just nice, that's profoundly moving.

Or two people getting married for a second time,

betrayed by their partners and shunned by the church because of it.

Mrs Thorpe, that's not just nice either,

that's also profoundly moving.

Mrs Thorpe, could I call you back?

Thank you.

-MAN: Thanks for holding.

-Uh, that's OK.

-Sorry.

-It's fine, no problem.

You never told me you got migraines.

I didn't think you'd find it particularly interesting.

How did you cope...

..when Jean left?

I just did.

When you've got to cope, you cope. Why? Why do you ask?

I didn't have a headache.

I've got one now. Serves me right for lying.

I thought Frank was carrying on with someone.

Last night, I confronted him.

He told me he was - he is.

Oh, my God.

Someone he teaches with.

She's 42 and he's 56.

Now, 56 might be OK to a 42-year-old,

but 60 to a 46-year-old?

She'll throw him out in a few years.

I won't take him back.

Is he moving in with her?

When he gets his act together, yeah.

-Do you want to take a few days off?

-No.

-Are you sure?

-I'm positive.

-Sandra, you bring so much joy to so many people...

It's horrible seeing you so sad.

MICROWAVE BEEPS

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh.

Come in.

So, how did you know I was pregnant?

I just did.

Well, you weren't drinking - that was a clue.

But basically I just knew.

There was something in your eyes.

Have you thought of a name yet?

Not yet, we're going to wait until she's born.

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

-Who's that?

-It's your dad.

He's still here?

Hiya, love.

-How are you?

-We're talking.

OK.

Just phoned our Tommy, I can stay with him for a while.

-He's coming round for me.

-Right.

Right.

You will let him see her, won't you?

I mean, I know he's been a complete...

But he'd make a lovely grandad. And you don't want to deprive her

of that just cos you're cross with him.

We'll see.

Things haven't been right for a while.

I was always cuddling him, never him me.

I told myself, I'll take him back to Crete, the best holiday we ever had.

That time we walked through the olive groves, made love there,

that'll put things right again.

I honestly thought it was the most romantic day of my life.

Now I know that all the time he was thinking of her.

He's coming back.

-Who is it?

-Our Paula.

-I'm off.

-Right.

He's going.

He's gone.

A very warm welcome, everyone,

to the wedding of Marie Davis and Andrew O'Connor.

Marie was married to John for 46 years,

and Andrew was married to Helen for 47.

Sadly, those marriages ended,

and they thought they'd never know such happiness again.

But then they met, two years ago.

Line dancing, did you say, Marie?

Yes!

And now here they are.

It's a great testament to their earlier marriages that they should

embrace this one with such joy and enthusiasm.

Marie, Andrew, we are delighted for you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Now, Marie has written something she would like me to read.

It's something I find very moving and...

Well...here goes.

"I've been here before.

"I've been at the blissful beginning of a marriage,

"and at the heartbreaking end.

"I remember that first year or so, so full of passion, so full of love.

"But then the kids came along and that dampened the ardour a bit.

"Money got tight, the whole thing a slog.

"We started taking each other for granted.

"I even told myself I'd leave him when the kids were grown up,

"or at least think about leaving him.

"But then the kids did grow up,

"and suddenly we had some time for each other again.

"Foreign holidays, even.

"The old passion rekindled.

"In love again.

"But then the kids had kids.

"And, oh, the joy of holding a grandchild in your arms

"for the first time.

"But not long after that,

"I was baby-sitting those grandkids just a little too much,

"and picking them up from school just a little too often.

"And I was wishing they weren't quite so dependent on me,

"didn't take me quite so much for granted.

"But be careful what they wish for.

"Because, in no time at all, they were teenagers.

"And they didn't come round so much.

"And who can blame them for that? Because they were teenagers.

"And it was around about then

"I realised it was me and him.

"The kids were busy living their own lives.

"It was me and him.

"Me and John.

"I was everything to him and he was everything to me.

"A truly profound love.

"But then fate played its dirtiest trick.

"It snatched him away.

"John died,

"and I was devastated.

"Oh, why wait till now?

"Why couldn't it have happened ten years ago, 20, 30 years ago

"when I was young and the love not so deep and the pain not so intense?

"But a few years later, fate atoned for its dirty trick.

"It let me meet someone else.

"Someone who'd been through what I'd been through.

"And when that happens, and I realise it doesn't happen to us all,

"I realised just how lucky I am...

"..that when it does happen

"it's beautiful.

"Just beautiful."

Thank you.

Kevin, would you...?

Andrew, would you repeat after me?

I, Andrew O'Connor...

I, Andrew O'Connor...

..do take thee Marie Davis...

..do take thee, Marie Davis...

..to be my lawfully wedded wife...

..to be my lawfully wedded wife...

Reasonable?!

Over the last few months, I have been nothing but reasonable.

But this is a step too far.

I will not sell that house,

and I cannot believe you are asking me to do so.

-I've got to.

-I won't go into the emotional stuff, Frank,

like the fact that our child was born there, for instance,

-because that obviously means nothing to you.

-It does not mean nothing.

But I will go on about the money!

That house is bought and paid for,

not a penny do I owe.

And you're asking me to borrow £160,000

so that you two can buy a love nest?

Sorry, Frank, no, that is not going to happen. And you can go on about

his legal entitlement until you're blue in the face,

it is not going to happen!

I'm afraid it is.

You know who pays for this?

Who ultimately pays for this?

Your own daughter.

We were going to leave her that house

but that's out of the question now.

So your own daughter loses

half her house to pay for her father's love nest!

I fell in love.

I know you want it to be more sordid than that, but it's not.

I fell in love.

Arthur.

Hello.

Oh!

Being Superwoman.

Aren't you?

DOORBELL RINGS Who's that?

-I'll go.

-Thanks.

Where did Mama go? Where did Mama go?

Oh. Can't quite decide...

It's Kevin Galt.

-Kevin?

-Bearing gifts.

I'll be back.

Hello. Hello.

-Hiya.

-Hiya.

I remembered you were going to the solicitors today.

I thought it wouldn't be very nice.

-No, it wasn't.

-It's an agapanthus.

Right.

See, every time I turn on Radio 4, it's Gardeners' Question Time.

-Right.

-And so I phoned them up and I said, "Recommend a plant, please,

"for a beautiful woman with a sunny disposition."

"Agapanthus," they said.

Thank you.

There's a card.

"If a registrar

"married a registrar...

"..would they need a registrar?"

I, Kevin Galt,

do take thee, Sandra Barton,

to be my lawful wedded wife,

for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

till death us do part.

I, Sandra Barton, do take thee, Kevin Galt,

to be my lawful wedded husband,

for better, for worse,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,

till death us do part.

You may now kiss the registrar!

# I

# Know you

# So well

# I can tell by the sound of your voice

# If you're really in love with me

# And you are

# And you are

# You

# Know I

# Can't lie

# If I said, yeah, baby, I love you

# Then, baby, I love you

# Oh, and I do

# Yes, I do

# I do... #