A Bus & A Burka My Jihad

Wow.

There's not many to choose from, really, is there?

Not really.

It's, er, almost as bad as last year.

What about the one with the long hair?

THEY LAUGH

What about the guy next to him?

No?

What, grease monkey? Hmm. He just caught us looking at him.

He's smiling.

Oh, God, don't smile back. Is he coming over?

No, don't... It's fine, it's fine. He's not coming over.

What about the one in the charcoal suit?

Fahmida, can you please just help me? I'm not looking for perfection.

Anything will do.

You've brought me here for a reason, right?

Then, trust me.

My presence will make you impervious to losers.

Hi. My name is Nazir. I am 25 years old.

What do you do for a job?

I'm currently between jobs.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Do you have a washer dryer at home? Yep.

OK.

And what do you do for a living?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Hi. Hi.

Do you straighten your own hair?

BUZZER SOUNDS

So how do you get by?

Public transport, mainly.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Is there a neighbourhood watch where you live?

I live with my folks.

Oh. So, you're living off your savings?

Yes.

I'm really sorry if this is too personal,

but how much do you have in the way of savings?

BUZZER SOUNDS

(Ask him if he's got a visa.)

I'm not asking him that.

Ask him how much money he's got, then. No.

What's Jiminy's problem?

Who?

Jiminy Cricket.

How do you expect to support a wife?

With love and goodwill.

You seem sceptical.

Has nobody expressed an interest in YOU today? I'm a chaperone.

Is that French for frigid? It's Latin for loser-repellent.

So, erm, do you have any hobbies?

HE SIGHS

Any change for a cup of tea, please?

I always keep my ticket in my right pocket.

Er, £2.30?

One second.

Excuse me? Could you, er...?

Understood.

Assalamu alaikum, Sister.

Wa alaikum assalam, Mansa Musa. You heard?

The whole bus heard. Your parents must curse the day you were born.

Not to my face. I'm in a bit of a predicament here.

Please.

How much? £2.30. You're a travesty.

Jazak Allahu khayran.

It's taken.

Clearly. But thank you.

Anything else I can help you out with? Rent, perhaps?

Weekly allowance? Child support?

I'm guessing "How was your evening?" is a redundant question.

I'm sure it could have been worse. I can't imagine how, but...

Your fly could've been open.

No-one was asking about things like love and affection.

That stuff has its place, but there's also more practical questions.

Like money?

Well, how do you expect to be taken seriously when you're broke

and you live with your parents?

Yeah, my finances are unstable right now,

but provision is decreed by Allah.

So nobody knows what my, or anyone else's,

financial situation will be in the future, no?

You're not very sensible with your money, are you?

SOUND INAUDIBLE

All I'm saying is that a man's list of criteria

isn't as long as a woman's.

Really? So what are you looking for?

A good-hearted, pious, Muslim woman. Pious? Is that code for maid?

Don't be cynical.

Someone who values fasting and prayer and all that jazz.

OK, so if I introduced you to a kind, considerate, generous... Yep.

..practising, pious, Muslim woman, who also happened to be

a fat, hairy heifer, you'd be ready to marry her?

What about a woman's criteria? Protection and provision.

Looks? Not that important.

Height?

As long as it doesn't drop below Tom Cruise.

Education? To a certain extent.

Flash car?

Says the guy who couldn't afford a bus ticket.

I gave whatever I had to some homeless guy.

Pretty sure he's got my bus ticket, too.

What are you looking for in a husband?

I'm not really looking for a husband.

That's why I was there as a chaperone tonight, not an attendee.

You've not had the best of experiences with men, have you?

I don't think I've ever met a man.

No offence taken.

A friend of mine, Muslim,

she's considered marrying an Atheist.

An Atheist?

He was kind, treated her respectfully.

But doesn't she want her children to be Muslim?

Yeah.

What would you say to someone like that?

That she just needs to be patient.

Allah will bless her with the right man.

Easy as that? I'm not saying it's easy, but...

But you're going to judge her, anyway.

All I'm saying is religion has to come first.

All right, then. Self-apply, Mr Mufti.

Would you be willing to marry a widow?

Yeah.

What about a divorcee?

Yeah.

What about a single mother?

Come on. I'm not a saint.

A widow and a divorcee is one thing, but a single mother?

Somebody else's child? That's a part of somebody else.

I don't know.

SHE PRESSES THE BUTTON

Wait. Piss off, knob.

I'm sorry. Good for you.

Do you accept it? No.

Fine. I'm just going to have to escort you home.

There is no chance in hell of that happening.

Look, I'd have to be a moron to let you make your own way at this time.

You're going to get home safe and sound, whether you like it or not.

We're about to walk into Greenfield Hill, which is probably 90% Muslim,

a massive portion of whom know my parents and would happily form

a queue around the block just to tell them what a whore I am

because they saw me walking home with a man at night who is not my brother.

Is this a respectable distance? Keep your voice down.

Fine. Let me get you a cab.

LINE RINGING

PHONE MESSAGE: Your current balance is six pence.

Yeah, that's not going to work.

Last resort.

GLASS SMASHES

CRASH

I don't know why I thought this might be something sensible.

We should get moving.

Aren't you ashamed?

Of course I'm ashamed. I've never stolen anything in all my life.

But, as you said, man has a duty to protect.

Besides, I'm not intending to keep it and wear it on weekends.

I'm going to take it back.

What's your house like?

You're not coming in.

I wasn't hinting. I'm just curious.

I've always wanted my house to be an Islamic environment, you know?

No distractions. Conducive to focused worship.

What does that mean?

Television? No.

Pictures? Nah.

Posters? Of?

Celebrities. No chance.

Calligraphy? Islamic?

Yeah. Of course.

Music?

Only Nasheeds. And Michael Jackson.

Because he's conducive? Because he's a legend.

I'm sorry about what I said on the bus.

Boy or a girl?

I have a little boy. Ismail. He's six.

Masha Allah. And his father?

Oh, you don't have to answer that.

Everyone has a history, and everyone makes mistakes.

I'm a virgin. By choice, I might add.

That's your history?

It's, like, the complete opposite of mine.

After I had Ismail, I did try to find somebody, but...

eventually I realised that a child is just a little too much

baggage for most people.

I didn't mean what I said.

It's no big deal.

We're just two people having a conversation. That's it.

There's nothing else to it.

What if there is?

Is what? Something else to it.

I've had many conversations with many random people,

but this didn't feel random. This feels...decreed.

Everything is decreed.

That's my parents' house, and that's your stop.

Wait, you live with your folks, too? Yeah, it's different for a woman.

OK, then...

I've been looking for a wife for five years.

I've tried introductions through friends, through family,

speculative contact, matrimonial sites, blind dates.

All to no avail.

I've met many women, but I didn't find any of them

as easy to talk to as you.

Now...

Now, I'm not suggesting that we elope.

I'm just asking if you feel there is enough between us

to warrant further enquiry.

I've let myself get attached in the past and been left burned.

Why is this so different?

I don't know why. But it is, isn't it?

Would you please remove the veil? Sorry. I forgot it was there.

I'm going to get on this bus and I'm going to sit at the back.

If you also believe there's something between us

then just give me a look.

What if I do? You don't have my number.

No, but I've got your address.

Well, what if I throw you a pity glance, just so you don't lose hope?

No. Mean it or don't do it at all.