Lost in Translation Robin Hood

Attention!

-Abbot! Where in hell have you been?!

-Rome!

How dare you summon me to your quarters like a common serf?

My Lord, I need you.

But it couldn't wait until tomorrow?

No.

It's too late for absolution.

You're the only one who can...

-who can help me now.

-If you are truly willing to repent for all your sins...

-I am.

Then you must make your peace with God, my son, and pray for His forgiveness.

Ah, well, you see, it's not God I'm worried about... it's Prince John.

Then you really are in trouble.

He already has Gisborne.

And it's anyone's guess what he's doing with him.

Well, knowing the Prince as I do, my advice is this. Please him.

Please him?

What do you think I've been doing all this time?!

Weaving tapestries?!

Look.

I have to execute Hood within one month, otherwise I'm horse-meat.

Well, I really don't see what you expect me to do about Robin Hood.

Now, I've had a very long journey, I need to return to my Abbey, so

-if there's nothing else I will bid you good night.

-Not so fast, Abbot.

You will assist me.

Why on earth would I do that?

Because... I know your little secrets!

Where did you get it?

When I was looking for you at the Abbey I decided to do some nosing around.

So you think you can blackmail me?

Mmm... amazing how great men, no matter how revered,

always have some explosive little nugget hidden away ready for someone like me to find, hmm?

And as little nuggets go this is as explosive as it gets.

-Abbot, even I was shocked.

-Now you listen to me!

No! You listen to me!

You will use all your power and your influence, you will use the full

might of the Church to help me finish off Robin Hood once and for all,

or it'll be your head on the chopping block with mine. Got it?!

You know this is my favourite thing.

The handing out of parcels.

Being welcomed into the village like sons returning from battle.

It's better to give than to receive.

You're an educated man, who said "It is better to give than to receive"?

Oh, it's nobody important, just some carpenter from Nazareth.

Oh. Him!

Get down! Get down!

It's the Sheriff.

Last night, the Abbot of Kirklees came to me and asked for my assistance.

It has come to pass

that Robin Hood and his gang of feral unwashed pustules have stolen from the Church.

Eh?

What's he talking about?

I know

that you know Robin Hood.

I know that some of you

have come to look upon him as a friend. Don't be fooled.

Since his return from his travels,

Hood has become a Satanic killer.

And anybody harbouring him should be damned to a heretic's death.

At the stake...

where their flesh should be charred from their bones.

Now, the Abbey is under my protection.

I've thrown a cordon around it and tripled security just in case

Hood tries to steal again.

If this village does not assist me in capturing Robin Hood,

then it shall be deemed infected with evil

and it shall be wiped clean of every living creature.

By the power vested in me by His Holiness Pope Celestine III,

I issue this holy edict.

It's every man, woman and child's sacred duty to help bring the demon Robin Hood to justice!

This is bad.

This is very bad.

This is not good!

It wasn't me. I wasn't anywhere near the Abbey last night.

Don't you understand?

The Abbot has damned our souls forever!

All right, all right, less of the forever.

Why would the Abbot do this?

Only one way to find out.

No, no no...

Come on, Robin, we have to confront the Abbot, right now!

-Challenge him. We need to understand why he did this. What hold the Sheriff

-has over him.

If we attack the Abbey now it'll just confirm the Sheriff's lies.

Well, then, what do you suggest we do about it?

-We go to the people.

-Ah...

We go to the people and show them we're still on their side.

We trust the people to make up their own minds.

Robin, the people fear and love the Church in equal measure.

-Tuck's right. They'll never believe us over the Abbot!

-Well, we'll see.

I can't understand this. This is one of the finest scholars of his generation.

He's spent his entire life crusading for justice, searching for truth...

Obviously there's something more precious to him than the truth.

Yes, and I need to find out what that is.

We leave the Abbey alone.

-We need to find out...

-Tuck, that's my final word!

HE FARTS

PLOP

I'm busy.

Laborare est orare, my son.

Always remember.

Work is prayer.

Bene orasse est bene studuisse.

I see. You are an assassin.

No.

Merely an inquisitor.

You presume I fear your blade.

I think you fear the Sheriff.

What hold does he have over you that you would damn a man like Robin Hood?

A man of honour and justice.

My son,

there are things going on here of such magnitude, of such complexity as to be beyond your understanding.

Try me.

Once you see what is hidden here, you will understand why I had to do this.

You know me, my son.

Have faith in me again.

Guards! Seize him!

I came here to help you.

No-one can help me.

Take him.

Shouldn't we be looking for Tuck?

I don't trust that monk.

He can look after himself.

We've important work here.

What are you doing here?

We just wanted to make sure you were provided for.

I can't accept it.

And nor will anyone else.

After all we've done for you people?

All we've sacrificed? And this is how you treat us, is it?

And what about what I've sacrificed?

What we're all sacrificing every day while you and the Sheriff play out your little war games.

We can't take the risk, Robin.

Not now the church has branded you a heretic.

Oh, come on!

You don't buy all that mumbo jumbo.

The Abbot of Kirklees is a great man. He wouldn't lie.

Rebecca, the Sheriff is using the Abbot to frighten you.

-Well, it worked.

-Well, let us protect you!

Protect us?

Where was your protection when my boy needed it?

Your boy died for justice and truth.

Don't let that all go for nothing.

Robin, even you can't take on the Church and win.

Robin, the Sheriff's men!

You can't be seen here. Quick! Come on, get inside!

Robin.

-This is one of Hood's men!

-It's Tuck.

Last night he broke into the Abbey.

-What are you thinking?

-We can't just hand them over.

They're heretics now. You'll get us all killed.

They've been good to us. I can't just see them hanged. Or worse.

Kate, don't be a fool.

Don't be like your brother.

Ten.

-We can take them.

-We can't save Tuck now.

If we go out there, the Sheriff will know the people are sheltering us.

-He's still one of us.

-We are not going out there.

He's baiting us. We are not playing the Sheriff's game.

-We stay put.

-Look at him! Hmmm?

Trapped like a wild animal caught in the snare.

Is this how you want to end up?

I'm your friend.

Yes, I know we've had our hard times

but we will come through.

Now, who

will help me capture Robin Hood?

Are you so blind that you cannot see?

I am not your enemy, Hood is.

I have not forsaken you, forsaken God, Hood has!

If you do not assist me in the capture of Robin Hood, then things will only get worse.

Beginning with our friend here.

Who will be torn apart on the rack tomorrow.

And unless you want the same for yourselves and your loved ones, then you better come to your senses.

You're no longer welcome here. And if any of you come again, we'll have no choice but to turn you in.

We have to protect ourselves now.

Go and stay gone.

Forever.

Let's go.

Leave us.

He sent you, hasn't he?

Why is a man of learning prepared to sacrifice himself for a common thief?

-Robin Hood is the last hope for this country.

-An outlaw? I doubt that.

You've seen the people.

They're crying out for inspiration. For guidance.

The Church can offer the people guidance.

-The Church is lying to them.

-Unless you give up Hood, Locksley is damned to death.

Women, children, the Sheriff will stop at nothing.

There was a time when you would never let yourself be so intimidated.

When you would defend a pauper against a Cardinal.

You may have no care for your own life my son, but surely...

surely you don't want innocents to die?

Why have you lost your stomach for the fight?!

Not so, my son,

not so.

I have simply chosen a different battleground.

And what battleground is that?

I know you, Abbot.

I studied your writings when I was a boy.

Your translations of Aristotle, of Plato.

I followed your teachings like an apostle.

Unless you give up Hood, there's nothing more I can do for you.

Your battleground has always been the words of great men.

Your mission was always to bring enlightenment to ordinary people.

-How has that changed?!

-Tuck...

Tuck...

some words are more dangerous than others!

Some words are deemed too holy to be translated.

Oh, sweet heavens, no.

No, it can't be.

The Holy Bible?

In English?

But the Pope has decreed it remain in Latin.

Now you see why I have to tread carefully.

Look.

Look, my son.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love,

I gain nothing.

"St Paul's letter to the Corinthians."

Ten years hard toil.

This could change everything.

Give the people the power to interpret the will of God.

It would be a revolution.

I have to stop the Sheriff burning my book.

So this is why you are the Sheriff's slave.

He will destroy it unless I make you betray Hood.

Join with me.

I will never betray him.

Then I fear for your life, my son.

How much for two barrels of tar?

You got to have a signed warrant from the Sheriff to purchase tar.

How much to make sure you and your family are provided for?

-How about that?

-Will you cover for me?

Where are you going? All right.

-Be careful though, yeah?

-Thanks.

How much? Don't just stand there gawping this time, eh?

Say erm... Tell her she's perfect.

Women love to hear that sort of thing.

Kate? I have to talk to you.

The Sheriff's guards slaughtered all our animals. Because we didn't give up Robin.

I want to help you.

I care about you, Kate.

-Why are you doing this?

-Because...

I think you're perfect.

Perfect?

Is that a joke?

I look at you

and I want to...

-protect you.

-Can't you see you're just making things worse?

Maybe.

-Well, I'm sorry. I can't help it... I've never...

-Look, nothing could ever happen between us. Ever.

Do you understand?

You're dirty, you smell and you're trouble.

The best thing you could do is just vanish.

Brother Tuck.

For crimes against God, the Church and the faithful of Nottingham,

you are to be racked, drawn and quartered.

Beautiful day.

Almost makes you want to burst into song.

You start off, I'll harmonize.

Oh. Humour.

Well, perhaps you need to know that my favourite moment of this delightful little procedure

is when you hear that great big pop pop pop pop!

This isn't over, Sheriff!

Oh, really? What, you think Hood's going to rescue you, do you?

Well, I don't see him.

Hood! Hood?

Hoody Hoody...

Come out wherever you are.

Come back! Cowards! Back!

-You took your time!

-We were a bit stretched.

-Watch out!

Where is the second relief?!

A cloth!

I just thought I'd put the spark back into our relationship, Sheriff!

I thought I doubled the guard!

Or did I just double the incompetence?

You've allowed Hood to escape again!

You're more useless than Gisborne!

Tomorrow it's St Barnabus's day.

All the people will be in the Abbey.

-Yes.

-We must give them something concrete.

Something they can touch, feel and smell.

They don't need to touch or feel God to believe.

Idiot. These people need to be frightened out of their wits.

What on earth would you have me tell them?

That the hand of God will strike them down if they don't help you capture Hood?

What did you just say?

The hand of... Oh.

Oh, this is good.

This is tremendous.

-Divine inspiration?

-I don't give Him the credit, no, this was all me.

I want every wretched villager from Locksley in the Abbey tomorrow.

I'll give them a St Barnabus's day they'll never forget!

You disobeyed me.

-I had no choice.

-Tuck, we never act alone!

-I had to find out what hold the Sheriff had over the Abbot.

-And did you?

-Oh, yes.

-Yes, I did.

-Well?

The Abbot has translated the Bible into English.

The Bible?

-In English?

-Yeah.

Oh, hang on, hang on. The Holy Bible

-in English?

-That's right, yes.

Adam and Eve,

the flood, Moses.

-In English?

-You catch on fast, don't you?

-Loaves and fishes, crucifixion, resurrection, the Final Judgement, all in English?

-Much!

-Is that even allowed?

-No!

It's blasphemy!

No, John, no!

It's progress.

It's taken ten years

-and it'll enlighten a nation.

-Tuck.

Thank you, thank you.

We have to get the Abbot to reverse his edict against us.

There's a special service tomorrow morning.

-St Barnabus's day. Everyone will be there.

-Including the Sheriff and his men.

So we have to find that Bible, right?

Allan, you go with Tuck.

-All right.

-He's the only man who knows what to look for. You know the castle better than anyone.

When you find the Bible, you bring it to us.

-Where?

-The Abbey, Allan.

If the Sheriff is using the Bible to make the Abbot lie,

it's what we'll use to make him tell the truth.

HE PRAYS IN LATIN

Keep digging!

SCRAPING

Keep digging! Faster!

Oh, God.

Dear Lord, no.

Stop this horror at once!

They're digging up graves now!

Told you it was tremendous.

Holy Relics.

Something that they can touch and feel and smell.

-Holy Relics?

-Ah.

The bones of Saint Luke.

Or more specifically the hand of the great healer Saint Luke.

Kept for safety at Kirklees Abbey.

The precious treasure Hood was after.

The first body we exhumed was no good.

Funny, really - you'll like this.

-In life he was a thief. Had both his hands chopped off, at my orders.

-This is heinous.

I know.

But there is a kind of poetic irony to it, I think?

No more. I will no longer be your whipping boy.

Abbot!

-Please!

-Tomorrow morning, you will preside...

-No!

-..over the ceremony.

HE PRAYS IN LATIN

You will stand alone,

nodding happily, with your mouth tightly shut,

agreeing with everything that I say,

otherwise the rest of your Bible becomes toast!

CHURCH BELLS PEAL

It'll be big.

Right.

Look.

CLATTER

Allan.

This is it.

It's the Bible.

We need to get a move on, Tuck.

Yeah.

A HYMN IS SUNG IN LATIN

HE PRAYS IN LATIN

Tedii, Tedium, Tedius! That's quite enough of that rubbish.

My children.

I was once lost, like you.

Wretched like you. Wandering in the wilderness.

But it was there, in the desert crawling on my hands and knees

like a dried crab...

..that I was guided...to a cave.

And it was in that cave...

..that I found this -

the hand of the divine physician Saint Luke!

CONGREGATION GASPS

It was this hand...that healed me.

Healed me of my pain,

guided me on the path to salvation and cleansed me of all my sins!

And it was this holy artefact that Robin Hood and his gang of men

tried so flagrantly to steal, not once, but twice!

That is why Robin Hood and his gang attacked the brothers of Kirklees.

That is why Hood sent in his thug Tuck to break into the Abbey.

And that is why Hood must burn at the stake!

Wrong way.

Get the Bible to Robin!

Lock down the Castle! Search every room!

No sign of them.

There's no more time. I have to go in now.

-This is suicide, Robin.

-There's no other way.

We have to go in there and show we're not afraid.

If we blink now, the people will never believe in us again.

I did give you an ultimatum, remember?

So...where is he, eh?

Hmm?

Where's Robin Hood?

I don't see him.

Then open your eyes!

CONGREGATION GASPS

Oh, look.

He's come to save the village.

How noble.

What are you going to do, Hood? Hmm?

Are you going to kill me? Going to shoot me?

And risk bringing down the wrath of Prince John on Nottingham? Well, I don't think you want that, do you?

No.

No, I wouldn't.

Because I love Nottingham.

I love its people.

And I want to see them freed from your greed and your corruption.

What about your greed? And your corruption?

You attacked the Abbey to try and steal the holy artefacts.

I didn't.

Nor did I tax these people till they bled and brutalised them when they had nothing more to give.

Yes, but you did break into the Abbey with the intention of stealing the Hand of Saint Luke.

That is not the Hand of Saint Luke!

Really?

What? Pray tell. Whose hand is it?

Ask the Abbot.

Well, come on, Abbot.

Tell them.

Yes, come on, Abbot.

Tell them.

The truth is always the truth.

You can't change that with an edict.

Yes, and they deserve to be told the truth.

You tell them now and this is all over.

It certainly will be.

If you say that relic is real

then three innocent men will die.

But if you deny it,

those people must be released from your edict.

And your reputation will be ground into the dust.

And nothing you ever say or do will ever have any authority ever again.

You will be finished.

Your choice.

And the choices we make at these moments define us for eternity.

I decree, by the holy power of the Church,

that this is the hand of the Holy Evangelist Saint Luke.

CONGREGATION GASPS

Tuck was wrong about you.

Arrest those heretics!

-Argh!

-John! Enough! Enough!

-It's over, John.

-What? No!

It's over.

Your book is magnificent.

I just wonder if the world is quite ready for it.

Tuck, this is no place for decent, educated men. Give me my book.

"If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,

but have not love, I gain nothing".

-What are you going to do?

-Me? I'm going to burn this book.

-No!

-Unless you save Robin Hood!

-Tuck, don't be a fool!

Yes, Tuck.

Book burning is my job.

Book, please.

I shall be holding onto that until Robin Hood and his gang of maggots are reduced to ashes.

Stick him on the fire with the rest of them.

I win.

-CROWD:

-Burn them! Burn them!

-CROWD:

-Burn them! Burn them!

HE PRAYS IN LATIN

Heretics!

Devils! I trusted you!

Kate, please!

It isn't true!

Heretics! Devils! I trusted you!

For crimes against the Church,

heretical and blasphemous obscenity...

Come on, Robin.

-..Robin Hood...

-The rope's too thick.

-I can't get through it.

-We're toast. I knew it.

Light the fire!

Argh!

Wait! One moment.

Yes.

He has offended the faithful therefore

the faithful must condemn him.

The Abbot's right.

It's the duty of every man, woman and child

to destroy the heretic Robin Hood.

Now, are you ready to condemn the heretic

or be damned yourself? Eh?

Burn them!

Maggie, Maggie, it's all right.

Just do it.

Very touching. Very sweet.

HE LAUGHS

Look, I'm burning them.

-Burn them! Burn them! CROWD:

-Burn them! Burn them!

Enough! People of Nottingham!

You have been betrayed!

-Stop him!

-Stay where you are or your souls will be damned forever!

You have been deceived!

That was not the hand of Saint Luke.

It was a bone, sacrilegiously disinterred from a peasant's grave.

It was meant to deceive you.

It was meant to control you,

but I stand before you full of shame!

-Hurry up, Much.

-This man is the true devil!

He steals your hopes, he steals your souls.

He is the spawn of Satan!

I warned you!

I warned you!

Is everyone ready?

I warned you!

Now! Now!

No!

I will never look at a pig on a spit in the same way ever again.

To the Abbot.

ALL: To the Abbot.

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth..."

The new tax collector comes today. they say he is very good.

I've come to make Nottingham pay.

Thank you, Katie.

You've just made it onto Nottingham's Most Wanted list.

Some knights in shining armour you lot are - now I have to leave home.

-Do you ever get used to being apart from your family?

-No.

-You don't get used to that.

-Robin is not here to save you now.

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