Episode 5 The Last Kingdom

This programme contains some violent scenes and some scenes of a sexual nature.

My name is Uhtred, son of Uhtred. I was born a Saxon, but stolen and raised as a Dane.

Now I find myself bound to King Alfred,

and bound by marriage to Wessex.

I have a Christian wife,

whom I care for.

And I child I have never seen.

I have land, burdened with debt.

It is a substantial amount, lord...

Alfred could remove the debt, but he has chosen not to.

And a sly servant I cannot trust.

And, though I miss the ways of the Danes,

and their hunger for life and for battle...

Never cross Ubba.

And never, never fight him.

..fate has stirred my Saxon heart for a reason.

Ubba and his army have returned from Ireland.

And my fleet is where?

They left Lundene several days ago and are nearly here, lord.

Destiny is all.

HORSES WHINNY

Lord?

Lord? When will you need assistance?

Mildrith!

BABY CRIES

-Odda?

-Mildrith. Thank God.

What are you doing here?

You must come with me. The peace is over.

-We are under siege.

-Since when?

Gather all you need, and quickly. The Danes could be here at any time.

-I cannot go with you.

-Yes, you can, you must.

If the peace is over, then what of Uhtred?

Mildrith, the Danes have broken the truce.

We have killed all the hostages given to us,

and they will have done the same.

If Uhtred has survived, it can only be as a traitor, a Dane!

No!

Regardless, it is no longer safe for you here, you must come with me.

Mildrith! I beg you, for the sake of your child.

Do not worry about us, lady,

we'll get ourselves and the livestock to the hills.

Get yourself clear of this place.

Anything of value I will bury!

THUNDER RUMBLES

Don't just pull at the bugger, you'll have it torn!

Find out what holds it!

How much for your horse?

He's not for sale.

I'll give you twice its worth...

..in silver.

Have any washed up alive?

Not on my beach.

God's taken hundreds of the bastards.

Though it's said hundreds more have landed safely,

further up the shore.

Friends of yours?

You should take your families to safety.

Ertwit?

He has your look, definitely.

Little Ertwit. Little Ertwit.

Let's hope he does not develop my constitution.

They are here.

Shh, shh.

Odda? Wulfhere?

Lord.

Difficult times, which we will face head-on.

They never rest.

Do we march as one, lord, or are we split?

We are split.

You both shall ride towards the Severn River to face Ubba.

I shall ride south to face Guthrum.

Should we not all be marching to the Severn, lord?

If the first battle is won, then the Danes may not care for a second.

Even in victory, we can never be sure of our surviving numbers.

Some of Guthrum's ships will have made it to shore

and I cannot let him simply walk through Wessex - he must be faced.

Odda, should either of us have luck and defeat our enemy quickly,

we will march to the others' aid.

Yes, lord, of course.

Prepare.

GRUNTING

By God, girl, you are a lovely field to plough.

A lovely field to plough.

Better than barley!

Better than barley! Ohhhh!

By God, girl, better than barley!

Better than barley, yeah!

SHE SCREAMS

Better than barley!

Lord! Lord!

Forgive me, lord, it's never happened before.

I swear it'll never happen again. It was the girl's idea.

It was not!

-Where's my wife?

-It was not my idea!

-Where is my wife and child?

-Wait! Wait, lord!

She's with Lord Odda, the younger.

-Odda?

-Yes, lord. He took the lady and your son.

She went willingly, lord, to protect the child.

-My son?

-Yes, lord. You have a son. Handsome little man he is.

Looks like his father.

I should really take your balls for this desecration.

Yes, lord, no, lord. Please...

I don't care for you, your wife, your children, nor your whore.

Lord, he made me do it, with the promise of a coin.

It was false promise, lord.

I have no coin.

I will need a fresh horse, food and drink.

Yes, lord. Your horse was returned, it's in the stable.

My house is not your house.

No, lord. I beg your pardon, lord.

My land is not your land.

Treat me as a fool again and I will kill you.

Yes, lord.

I'll enjoy it.

I believe you would.

Leave me.

Uhtred.

Son of Uhtred.

We outnumber them, I feel.

We outnumber them if you count the farm-boys and women, lord.

You fear them, Leofric?

I do not.

Though some do.

It is not about fear, it's about strategy.

We hold the high ground, they must come to us.

And if they decide to wait, lord?

Why would they?

Because we are sat isolated on this high ground.

And supplies are low.

They don't know that.

We bide our time, hold our position.

With luck, Alfred will see off Guthrum

and provide us with reinforcements.

For now, we stay put.

On this hill.

Lord?

They are gathering, and they are watching.

They have the higher ground.

But I do not want to wait.

So, when do I attack?

I will cast the runes.

Storri, I will need a clear answer.

I will get one.

I have your answer, lord.

Look, this is us at the base of their hill,

they sit on top, but that's not an advantage.

This is a feather from that camp,

bone dry and faded.

Water runs down the hill, not up.

You have your wish, lord.

An early attack is good.

They're weak.

They will surrender or die.

And then we move into the heart of Wessex.

Shield wall!

Advance!

One!

Two!

-Horseman approaching!

-Halt!

Go and fetch Lord Odda...

The Elder!

It is Uhtred.

How could he have lived?

We will ask.

Ealdorman Uhtred, we feared you'd been killed!

That you were not is a miracle, or something less godly.

-Where is she?

-What? What?!

-Where's my wife and child?

-She's safe!

-You brought her here?!

-She is safe! Did you not hear him?!

She is safe! I took her to safety, nothing more!

Mildrith is with my own wife! On my land, in my house!

Where she has lived happily in the past! Put away your dagger!

Swear that you haven't laid a hand on her.

-I will do no such thing!

-Swear!

Lord, you will take your blade away from my lord,

and you will do it now.

Arseling!

You have my word that neither Mildrith nor your son

have been harmed.

I swear. Do as I ask.

Treason, but what can we expect?

Enough!

This in-fighting and argument!

Disperse! All of you!

Now!

Your wife remains my god-daughter.

You should be thanking my son, not threatening him!

Now, come to me when your thinking is clear, and you explain to me

why you are still breathing and stupid!

You are back from the dead and unchanged.

All you had to do was get down from your horse and ask,

"Have you seen my wife?"

That would have been the better choice, yes.

But then Young Odda wouldn't have shit himself.

HE LAUGHS

You've seen her?

-She's well?

-She is well.

-The child however...

-Sickly?

-Ugly.

-Like his father.

Worse. And with the smallest of pebbles for a penis.

Like his father.

THEY LAUGH

If you wish to see him for yourself, Arseling,

I say you leave the way you came.

I'm serious, we are stuck on this hill and here we will die.

What does Odda say?

Odda is a decent man.

But, as a warrior, he has all the guile and menace of a sheep.

We have the ground, the slope.

I will not surrender that advantage.

-But if food is scarce, how long can we wait?

-We shall find food!

We have food for how many days? Two, three, four?

Enough time for Alfred to arrive.

You yourself have reported that the storms

took most of Guthrum's ships.

-But not all.

-But enough, perhaps.

So we wait. Hmm?

Agreed.

For a time.

We give Alfred as much time as possible.

I will offer negotiations.

While these negotiations are taking place,

we will send out hunting parties - several.

Alfred will come!

I'll attend these negotiations with Ubba.

You have not been invited.

It's my right.

If the other hostages were killed, how did he survive?

He was taken as a child by the Danes and he survived.

You would do well to follow him.

Follow him?

Or listen to what he has to say, lord, is what I meant.

Lord Ubba, may I present the Lord Odda of Wessex.

There never seems to be a meeting that you do not attend...

Is there more than one of you?

Lord Ubba, Odda's Alfred's most trusted general.

I don't give a shit who he is -

all he needs to do is to surrender.

There will be no surrender.

What WILL there be?

There will be no surrender.

Though, I do invite you to return to your ships.

Guthrum may have broken the peace, but there's no need for Ubba to do likewise.

We will not be returning to our ships.

And I shall not be moving from this hill.

UBBA SNORTS

You have no business in Wessex.

My business is to kill you.

You may try.

Guthrum's fleet's gone.

Njord reached out from the deep

and dragged Guthrum's fleet down to the seabed.

You are lying.

I watched the fleet die and its men go under.

Storri, what do YOU say?

Lord, I do not see for Guthrum, I-I see for you.

Storri is a man who wears a stick up his arse - he didn't see that coming, either.

No, that's, that's a lie! It's all lies. Look at his eyes!

You are next to die, Ubba, and I know it. I cast the runes.

That's an even bigger lie!

Earl Ragnar the Fearless is with the Gods and they're angry at you.

You allow his death to go unpunished.

Avenging Earl Ragnar is not my business. That's for his son!

You're next to die, Ubba.

UBBA ROARS

THEN FIGHT ME - and you'll see who is next to die!

Fight me!

Lord, we're negotiating...

You will not say another word! He will not say another word!

He will not, no. Best not.

I will not say another word.

Talking is over.

You piece of weasel shit!

Storri! Storri!

What now, eh? Where we left standing? In shit?

-Now, we have time.

-How? If it's possible, you've made them

-want to kill us even more!

-We should attack.

My men are good men.

Though half of them are armed only with reaping hooks, they're here.

Reaping hooks can kill.

How well do you know Ubba?

I have known Ubba since I was 11 years old.

He is the greatest warrior I have ever seen,

but he is cautious - he listens to the gods, always.

I goaded him only to make him doubt.

It will take a little while for the doubt to clear.

You have your time, but I say again - we should attack.

We attack, we will be outflanked.

My men will die - all of them.

I know each of them.

I'd hoped this hill and Alfred might save them... Us.

Alfred won't come, the food won't last and Ubba's mind will clear.

It seems inevitable - they will take Wessex.

What if we were able to outflank the Danes?

How?

We burn their ships.

Even if it's just three or four, they'd running to the fire.

-Then we attack?

-They'll be disorganised - no shield wall.

We could be killing them before they know we are there.

Who would set the fires?

I will...

alone.

But I will need your word that you will attack as soon as the fires have taken hold.

You have it.

If we succeed, lord, you will have saved Wessex.

If he succeeds and fires the ships -

it will undoubtedly cause panic amongst the Danes.

Which is the aim.

How best do we use that panic?

Is an attack likely to be successful?

Would it not be better to escape this hill?

We could return to Winchester without the loss of a single man.

Excepting Uhtred.

Father, if what Uhtred says about the storm is true

and Guthrum's fleet is all but destroyed,

we would join forces with Alfred.

We may well meet him on the road..

..then we are all against Ubba.

As a strategy it makes sense.

I gave him my word.

He will die...

..and you can call him a hero.

The others are here...

You must decide what you will tell them.

I have called for you to tell you to ready your men - all men.

-Everyone. We shall be moving soon.

-Moving, lord?

Ealdorman Uhtred has volunteered himself to distract the Danes.

-He will endeavour to set alight a number of their ships.

-He has gone?

-Yes.

-Alone?

Yes! If he should succeed in causing this distraction,

we will move.

In which direction, lord?

Ready your men - tell them nothing.

-Lord Odda, with respect, you told us nothing.

-I have told you to ready your men.

-Ready for battle?

-Ready your men! Each of you.

Go! Prepare!

I see nothing on the river.

-It will soon be first light.

-Can you NOT speak?

Very well.

Ships on fire!

SHIPS ON FIRE!

Fetch buckets!

Fetch buckets and barrels!

DANES SHOUT

PANICKED SHOUTING

Lord Odda, we are ready - but to do what?

He has done it!

Look, he's fired the ships!

We attack.

Lord? Lord, you awake?

-Lord!

-What?

-The ships have been fired!

HE GROANS

-It's him. I know it.

-Yes.

You saw them dying on the hill!

-Did you not see a fire?!

-I told you, I can only see what the runes allow.

-How many ships burn?

-I don't know. Many.

They are planning something, they must be.

Lord...there. That's him.

YOU. Uhtred Ragnarson! You!

Are you afraid of me?

Man on man...

..I will make the square...

..WILL YOU FIGHT ME?

Are you the son of Ragnar the Fearless...

..or are you a coward?!

I will fight you, Ubba, if that's what you want, but you will die.

Fetch him a shield.

You are half naked, lord, you might catch a chill.

This will not take long.

Was it you - the fires?

Must have been the gods.

They're angry with you.

First blood or to the death?

UDDA ROARS

CROWD CHEERS

UDDA ROARS

UDDA ROARS

Get up! Get up!

CROWD JEERS

UDDA SCREAMS

UDDA GRUNTS

CROWD CHEERS

UDDA GROANS

UDDA SHRIEKS

UDDA YELLS

UDDA SHRIEKS

Go to Valhalla, lord.

UDDA GRUNTS

SHIELD WALL!

SOLDIERS JEER

NOW KILL THE BASTARDS.

SOLDIERS CHEER

Tie them - tie them all together.

Form a chain, bind them tightly.

If any object, march them into the river.

Get this inside your belly, Arseling.

God knows you deserve it.

Lord Odda is hurt.

Badly.

He kept his word.

He would.

He is a good man.

A good Ealdorman.

I want Ubba buried with his axe.

His axe has gone.

Young Odda wants him cut into pieces.

-No, that can't happen.

-He would have done the same to you.

-He is Ubba -

as close as the Danes will ever come to a king.

I'll see he's buried.

You - you have a task ahead.

You go directly to Alfred and you kneel at his feet

and tell the bastard you've saved Wessex.

-No, I'll go to Mildrith.

-If you don't do it, some other bugger will

and there will be reward.

Men have seen it - they know what I have done - let them tell Alfred.

I need to see my son.

You're a turd.

A ball bag.

Is that the best you can do?

Nipple?

Lord, I want to thank you for not abandoning me.

I know that would have been a choice,

a reasonable choice.

I'll go to your estate now to see Mildrith and my son.

You served Alfred well, today.

Thank you, lord.

TWIG BREAKS

Who is there?

Forgive me, you looked too beautiful to disturb.

You may disturb me...immediately.

Uhtred, son of Uhtred.

Who is the son of another Uhtred - and another.

He has a kingdom to inherit...

..I will see that it happens.

Tomorrow, or the day after, we go home...

..and then to Winchester.

The three of us, yes.

I'll go to Alfred and he will fall at my feet.

-He will?

-He will.

BABY GURGLES

THEY LAUGH

He will free us of our debt, at the very least.

We will build a great hall and hold a feast.

I'd like that.

And I'd like Uhtred to be baptised

in Winchester.

Father Beocca could perform the ceremony. He'd be pleased.

Uhtred, it's what I want.

UHTRED SIGHS

God is good, Uhtred.

He kept you safe, he brought you home to me.

My sword kept me safe.

Believe me...

..God is good.

They have not yet gone to battle -

this is good.

I alone will speak - Alfred is to hear one clear message.

How is the mood - in the camp?

It's good, lord. The men are well.

Afraid?

No. No more than usual.

I, erm...

..I worry that I do not inspire them.

That they do not see me as a warrior.

Lord...

Lord, it is Odda.

What is this?

Young Odda...you have news? Where is your father?

He was wounded in battle.

A great battle at Cynuit, lord.

Lord, I have a gift for you.

Ubba is dead - his army is defeated.

-This is...this is true?

-It is, lord. Two days ago.

Praise God. Praise him.

-Well, then Wessex is saved.

-It is - for a time.

Guthrum will have no choice now but to make peace.

While your father recovers you will stand in his place.

His lands will be your lands - and more.

Wessex is saved.

Everybody is walking to the palace.

A celebration - it must be.

A celebration of prayers.

I believe you did this.

The great hall is now full, there is no more room!

Please, the king thanks you all for coming, but you need to pray here - outside.

-Father Beocca...

-The palace is full.

-Father Beocca!

-There will be ale and food available for everyone.

-Father...

Uhtred?

-You are here before me, now?

-I am - and with my child.

Oh, God, be praised. You are alive!

Of course, I'm alive. Why shouldn't I be alive?

-You were at Werham, a hostage, we thought you were dead.

-No, Father. I was at Cynuit.

I fought at Cynuit.

Did they not say?

-I'll see Alfred now!

-What is it?

Nothing I'm sure that cannot be resolved, given time.

Uhtred!

-I'll see Alfred.

-Uhtred, Alfred is at peace!

Uhtred, please!

Uhtred, please, you cannot disturb prayers.

Uhtred!

UHTRED, YOUR SWORD!

Forgive me, but I am told that you believe me dead?

-Uhtred, this is not the time.

-Father Beocca here believed me dead -

and yet just days ago I was at Cynuit with Lord Odda.

It was Lord Odda and I who devised our battle plan,

-did the boy not say?

-Uhtred, stop, now.

-Perhaps you'd like to speak now?

-Odda, you will say nothing.

Perhaps you would like to describe Ubba's death?

Lord, I would like to invite the Ealdorman here to join us

in giving thanks and prayer.

Giving thanks? For what? For victory? For the death of the pagan?

Who do you think killed the pagan?

-I cannot save you.

-I fought Ubba man on man and I killed him!

It was his axe against my sword - this sword!

CONGREGATION GASPS

Is there any man here who will deny it?

Be still. Everyone, be still and be silent!

I have heard enough. You have said enough. This is not seemly.

Now sheath your sword and remember where you stand.

Lord, what I'm saying to you...

You have broken my peace. You have broken the peace of Christ

and you have brought weapons into a sacred place.

-Lord, I'm telling you the truth.

-You will go directly to the courtyard

and you will wait for me to pass judgment.

Judgment? For what? I have done nothing wrong!

YOU WILL BE QUIET!

We will, erm...

we will continue with a moment of silence

to help find the peace once more.

This interruption cannot be allowed to go unpunished...

It must be death.

Peace be with you, my dear.

Why are you unable to reason? To show patience?

-All I expect is justice.

-And it comes - to those who have faith.

Now is not the time to talk of faith.

Now is precisely the time - now is when it's needed.

I'll have none of it!

You're too ready with anger.

There's a bad spirit within you that needs to be exorcised.

You should look to God.

I'll pray for you.

-Humility is what you need.

-What I need, woman, is justice.

HE SNORES

HE GROANS

-You sober?

-Delicate.

You are to grovel.

HE GROANS

-What, again?

-With me.

All I did was abscond from a monastery.

-Ealdorman Wulfhere.

-You know this wretch, I believe?

-We've met.

The King has sent me to punish you, along with Aethelwold here.

What his wife would like is for me to pull your guts through your smelly arse.

Aelswith is forever inventive.

Lady, you are to go to Aelswith for comfort. She waits in the chapel.

Do you know what the punishment is

for drawing your sword before the King?

A fine?

Payable to the Church, no doubt?

Death.

But Alfred is feeling merciful. You will not dangle, not today.

He wants your assurance you will keep the peace.

-What peace?

-His peace, you fool!

It does not matter a gnat's dick that you killed Ubba,

what matters is that Odda the Younger has claimed the credit.

And should his father die from his wounds, Odda becomes one of the richest men in Wessex

-and men will want to praise his bravery.

-My bravery.

Not a gnat's dick.

The sun now shines from Odda the Younger's arsehole

and it is blinding.

Do you understand me?

Good.

You are to do penance.

-To do what?

-Grovel.

You are to dress like a girl, go on your knees and be humiliated.

I won't grovel.

Then Aelswith gets her wish and I pull your guts through your arse.

Which will it be?

On your knees.

CROWD LAUGHS

Now you will crawl all the way to the palace,

where you will kiss the cross...

..and lie flat down on your face.

And then what?

God and the King will forgive you.

Go.

CROWD LAUGHS AND JEERS

Go!

Take it like a man!

HE YELLS

I will lead, but you owe me!

What?

OH...

Oh, lord, I am a sinner -

-do not look at me.

-MAN IN CROWD:

-You are!

I am a sinner, lord, as big a sinner as you will ever see!

CROWD JEERS

I have known women, lord!

Lots and lots of women.

-MAN IN CROWD:

-Lucky bugger.

CROWD LAUGHS

Women of all sizes.

The big tits, small tits, I have squeezed and...

and kissed them all.

I have rested my head on the bosoms of beautiful -

but bad, bad women.

Lord, forgive me!

I-I-I have lost count of the number of women I have had,

but I know it is exactly half the number of tits I have caressed!

CROWD LAUGHS

Oh, God, I love tits!

Send me an angel, Lord!

What? So you can hump her?

No. No, erm...

A titless angel to guide me.

No more servant girls in my bed chamber, lord.

Please...I beg you.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

You must lay flat, kiss the cross.

Kiss my arse. You and your God.

-Uhtred... Uhtred, stop!

-We are leaving this place.

-We can't.

We are leaving. Collect your belongings.

It will be dark soon - and there's the baptism.

-It's important.

-My son will not be baptised.

No priest will whisper lies and deceit into his ears

-and half drown him in water!

-Stop it, stop it, you are angry.

-He will be a pagan - like his father!

-Shh...

Why are you saying this?

We will stay tonight, no longer. I will find you in the morning.

Where are you going?

Drinking.

And whoring.

I love tits!

LAUGHTER

When we appreciate the finer points of the tit - the smaller tits,

the manageable tit - the perk, eager, delighted tit -

the soft enveloping tit, the tit that makes you feel at home -

like a puppy's nose -

grateful, eager, receptive to the touch.

How are your knees?

I can't laugh about it.

There's no justice here, only the Church.

You knew that.

I hear you're Young Odda's man, now.

I'm passed from father to son, yes...

like the land.

I can't stay in Wessex.

You have a wife, a child you could not wait to see.

Where would you go?

Odda is afraid that you will kill him.

Tell him I might.

Tell him each night, before he goes to bed.

HE SNORTS

I need to find wealth, but here it's impossible.

The Danes - they would see it and take it.

Then that is what we do -

we become Danes and we plunder.

Men will follow you...

Those men we have schooled, others who were at Cynuit -

they will follow you.

You're saying that we raid?

We find wealth and we take it.

-Here in Wessex?

-No, you do not shit at your own table.

Cornwalum - we take it from the Britons.

Do not say yes - not yet - think.

I'll do the same.

But why should Odda be rewarded and not us?

Lord...

welcome.

I was not expecting you home so soon.

Did the baptism go well?

That's a fine tree.

-Good day, lady.

-A miserable day.

-Where was it felled, this tree?

-On the top ridge, lord.

On my land?

Yes, lord. I am taking it to Wigulf's mill for splitting.

-He buys it?

-He splits it, lord.

We need, er...we need timber for repairs.

He takes his payment in split wood.

If we need timber, why not split it ourselves?

Wigulf's always done it, lord.

So, if I go to Wigulf, he will tell me how many such trees he has split...

..and you will show me the timber?

How much is a tree like this worth?

Eight, nine shillings?

I'm not certain, lord.

How much does he pay you for my timber?

-Lord - it is one tree.

-How much does he pay you?

Lady, please.

How much does he pay YOU for my timber?

Uhtred, no!

You be quiet!

Uhtred!

-HORSE WHINNIES

-UHTRED!

HE RASPS

SHE PANTS

That was justice.