Episode 2 The Syndicate

-We've won the lottery!

-I'll find yer and I'll kill yer.

We're bloody stinking rich!

Helen Dolan, the sixth member of the syndicate.

There is only five of us.

Natalie's gone to her sister's to moan about me.

What will you spend all your lottery winnings on?

I'll buy myself a little house somewhere.

Oh! We've won the bloody lottery!

THEY LAUGH

-I can't run. I need the toilet.

-Come on!

I think I'm going to be in trouble.

-Come on, keep going!

-Haven't you rung him?

Not yet, I expect he'll be doing his nut by now.

We're here, shh!

SHE LAUGHS

Shh!

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Is Natalie playing out?

I don't think so, Tom, she's not best pleased with you at the minute.

Can we come in?

Fine.

Hiya.

SHE SIGHS

Guess what?

We found't ticket and we haven't won 150,000 each.

Well, I knew you wouldn't have.

-We haven't even won a grand each.

-No...

Oh, typical.

Not even 3,200, like we didn't win the last time.

ALL: No.

What you grinning for, then?

We've won 72 million!

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, my God!

-It's true!

-You can check the numbers.

-We got the lucky diamonds!

Here's the ticket.

-I thought you'd left it with Denise?

-Do you want me to look after it?

No, it's OK, I'm keeping it safe under me chicken fillet

-and I've signed the back.

-72 million.

We're rich, Natalie!

We're bloody loaded!

THEY SCREAM

Right. Name of the team across the top,

and can we please not have any Plonkers

or Wankers, if you don't mind,

cos I've got to shout these names out.

And don't forget the winning team,

it's either a crate of beer or three bottles of wine.

CHEERING

I'll just have one or he'll be sending out a search party.

We haven't missed it, have we?

No, we're just about to start. Grab yourself a pew.

Where've you been, you tosser?!

Before I do, I'd just like to make an announcement.

Drinks are on me and that's everybody in't pub, right?

CHEERING

-Bloody hell, that will be pricey.

-Nice one, Tom, mine's a pint.

What you celebrating?

We've only gone and won the bloody lottery.

SILENCE

Get away!

In yer dreams.

-Straight up, mate.

-You're joking!

-We're not.

-72 million!

-It's true.

-She's got the ticket.

THEY LAUGH

Press conference is tomorrow, you'll see us all on telly!

It's bloody fantastic news. Good on yer, mate.

So how many is there of you in't syndicate?

Oh, there's me and Mandy, her daughter Becky...

And me and Rose.

And maybe one other, we don't know yet.

Yeah, we'll find out tomorrow.

T'lottery people are looking into it.

Top man!

Bloody hell, mate, it's brilliant.

Here, I tell you what, sunshine,

you're barred from doing quiz,

you can afford to buy yer own bloody beer!

LAUGHTER

I'll get them in.

Come on, let's sit down.

There you go.

What's this?

Name of a bloke who can help you find yer dad.

I didn't even know if I'd kept it.

I was going to give you it ages ago,

but he costs £500 a day and we didn't have the money.

Natalie, come here.

I'm sorry I was such an arse when't adoption people came round,

but maybe we don't need them now.

I'm so sorry that things have not worked out for you.

It's such a shame.

I really thought this last time we were in with a real chance.

How long were you trying before you started IVF?

About a year after we got together.

Three years, two months.

We both knew we wanted children and I'm a bit older than Tom,

so we thought we better get on with it.

What do we do now?

Well, as you've already had three rounds of IVF,

I'm afraid you've come to the end of the road

as far as the national health is concerned.

But we're only in our 30s

and everybody says there's no medical reason

why she shouldn't get pregnant.

Well, you're right,

and you'd be very surprised how many couples get pregnant naturally

once the pressure is off.

I don't get it.

If it didn't happen before, how's it going to happen now?

We just need another round and we could crack it this time.

There's a very good reason why we don't offer

more than three rounds of IVF...

Yeah, cos it costs a load of money.

It also puts a huge emotional strain on any couple.

We don't mind.

We just want a baby.

Then you could consider a private clinic.

I could recommend a couple of really good ones to you,

but of course you'd have to pay.

How much?

It's about 5,000 a cycle.

£5,000?

Look, that's crazy.

And then there'd be additional costs for medications,

consultations and tests.

I'm a nurse on Men's Medical and Natalie's an auxiliary on Maternity,

we don't have that kind of money.

Then perhaps you need to consider an alternative route.

Have you thought about adoption?

We'll go to the bank.

And they're just going to give us it.

We can't even pay loans we've got.

We'll save up.

I'm not going to let money stop us having a baby, right?

You know me, once I get something in me brain, that's it.

Well, if we are going to start saving,

you're going to have to stop looking online for your dad.

It's 120 quid this time on our bank statement.

It's for us, to make sure he hasn't got anything weird that

I could pass on to our baby.

Yeah, but it's not just that, is it? Tom?

Yeah, all right, I want to find my father, what's wrong with that?

I'll do anything you want, right?

OK. SHE SOBS

I helped deliver twin girls this morning.

I promise you, it'll happen.

How can you promise me?

How?

Cos I'd move heaven and earth to make you happy.

And you know me, a can of WD40 and a sticky plaster

and I can fix anything.

Text me when you've finished.

I love you.

There you are. That'll be £6.30 please, lovey.

-There you are. 20 change.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much. Hello, sweetheart, how you doodlin'?

All right, thanks.

Do you know, I haven't had a chocolate in years.

I would kill for a Ferrero Rocher,

but even if I sniffed one, I'd put on half a stone.

£4.50 please, love.

Here you are.

Thank you. 50 change.

And can I check this? It's not mine, it's a patient's.

Last night's lottery numbers are up there, sweetheart.

We've definitely got four numbers, so we'll have won something.

'Oh, my God! I can't believe it.'

If we've won a couple of grand, that could go towards another cycle.

I told you something'd happen.

I just didn't think it'd be that quick.

Let me know as soon as you know how much.

I'll ring you if we're rich and text if it's a couple of hundred.

Love you.

Hey, Mandy! Guess what? Jesus, what the hell happened to you?

Oh, I forgot. Our Reah opened the cupboard door

to get some Choco Pops and I turned and banged into the corner of it.

-I saw stars.

-Pharmacy delivery.

Just leave them in supplies, love, and I'll sort it out in a minute.

Jeez, what's other lass look like?

Our Reah left cupboard door open and I...

Yeah, yeah, heard that one before.

It's true, honestly, you two. I'd tell you.

-Hey, listen, I reckon we've won something on t'lottery.

-How much?

I dunno, but I've just been down to shop

and Frieda's definitely got four of our numbers chalked up.

-Where's Helen?

-On the ward, I think.

What do you get for four numbers?

I dunno, we might have a Lucky Diamond, as well,

I need something good to happen today.

So Dr Atherton doesn't think it's a rash, he thinks it's more

of a reaction to the antibiotics, so what they are going to do is...

There you go, Jack. She checked your ticket and I'm sorry, mate,

you haven't won anything.

-Aw.

-I never bloody do.

Can I have a word, Helen?

Yeah.

Rose! Over here!

I'm coming!

Becky'll fix your pillows and make you more comfortable, all right?

Yeah, she can make me comfortable any time she likes.

I think we've won something on t'lottery, we've got four numbers.

-Really?

-How do you know?

Cos they're mine and Natalie's birthdays,

29th of the 3rd and 17th of the 10th, Frieda's got 'em chalked up.

-And we might have a Lucky Diamond.

-Aye.

-Right.

So are you going to go check them, or what?

When I've sorted Mr Harris' care-plan out.

-I can do that.

-It'll be on your phone.

-Which is in my locker.

-Well, go on then.

Was it a roll-over this week?

I dunno, I never check it, I just let Helen sort it.

What's Mandy done to her face?

I've done his pillows,

but he wants to go to t'toilet now so how do I do that?

Come on, we better get the hoist.

Put your hands on there, mate.

Cos one time a patient let go of it and it swung back

and smacked me in the face.

I ended up looking like your mam.

She slipped getting out of the bath and hit her face on towel rail.

I'm going to get her a bath mat for Mother's Day so...

Tom!

Nurse, can you take over?

-No, we didn't win anything.

-Awww! That's a shame.

-What, not even a tenner?

-How come?

I could've sworn there were four of me numbers.

That was years ago when you filled in your line.

-And we didn't get a Lucky Diamond?

-We should've won something.

Well, we haven't! Right, can we crack on,

we're late with the drinks, I'm sure the patients are parched.

-Five minutes.

-You left the delivery in the middle of the corridor.

No, I didn't, I left it by the desk.

Hang on a minute, Rose.

I'd like to know what our fifth number and the Lucky Diamonds were?

-Yeah, me too.

-So would I.

-I'm sure Helen wouldn't...

-I'm not accusing her of anything, Mandy.

But we all trust her with our money every week.

Clearly you don't trust me.

I can go online and see how much they're paying out for four numbers and a Lucky Diamond.

How do we know we haven't won loads of money

and you've just pocketed it?

If that's how you think, I don't want any part of it any more.

I quit! You can do your own bloody syndicate.

I'm sick to death of it, anyway. I've got enough to do without that.

I never get so much as a thank you from any of you and I have to

ask each of you for the money every week, you never offer me it.

I have to buy the ticket and check the results...

I thought you bought the ticket online?

Yes, Mandy, but it just doesn't happen like that.

I have to make sure there's enough in my bank account and this

month I've had to pay for my parking and my nurse's registration.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, I didn't have enough money in my bank account

so the ticket didn't go through, all right?! Happy now?

But you took our money all the same.

Shit.

You can have it back! You can all have your two quids back!

You stupid cow, you've no idea what you've done.

Hey, come on, love. It's only money.

It's money that could buy us another round of IVF!

We've used up t'NHS quota

and now we've got to pay five grand a pop if we want a baby.

-Oh, God, that's awful.

-My goodness, that's a lot of money.

My Jeff only had to drop his trousers.

-Thanks.

-Rose!

Oh, I'm sorry love. Sorry.

Come on, close that.

Come here.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Yeah, I know. Come on.

-Let's just try and forget about it.

-I can't get this app to work.

How you doin', mate?

-Crap.

-Nice one.

-Now then. Are you quizzin' it later?

Nah, I've got a date.

Oh, come on, you're t'only one that knows owt medical,

-bring Natalie with you.

-It's not Nat.

-Oh, aye!

-I can't mate, honestly.

Bollocks. Well, have your phone on cos we'll be texting you.

-Yeah. Just ring us if you get stuck.

-Good man.

Can't you remember what your fifth number was?

Will you shut up about me bloody numbers!

It doesn't matter what it was, cos she didn't buy the bloody ticket.

There you go.

-Shit, it's Mandy's old man.

-So?

-Did you see state of her face?

-We don't know it was him, though.

Now, then.

-How you doing?

-Not so bad.

-What can I get you?

-Pint of beer, mate.

-No probs.

Who else is it going to be?

Do you remember she had them bruises on her arm and...?

It means nowt.

She told us she banged her face on kitchen cupboard

and then Becky said she'd slipped in the bath.

Shit.

Still there, is she?

Mandy, yeah, I think she's on till 8:00.

She's made a right mess of her face, hasn't she?

Yeah.

I said she should go to ENT, cos she could've cracked her nasal bone.

Leave it.

Thing is, I got a bit confused cos she said she did it

on a cupboard door and then your Becky said she'd slipped in the bath.

What are you trying to say, pal?

Nothing.

There you go.

Cheers.

Christ! He's built like a brick shit house, let's get out of here.

No way. I'm going to drink me beer.

I'm not frightened of that festering turd.

Anyway, I feel like decking someone after the day I've had.

-He's coming back.

-Right, let's go.

A packet of pork scratchings please, mate.

'Who is it?'

Me!

Tom!

Your son!

DOOR BUZZES

How's my lovely, gorgeous mum?

Don't tell me you haven't been dressed today?

I couldn't be bothered.

So you haven't been out anywhere then?

I've brought you some chocolates and a magazine.

PHONE RINGS

Go on.

Veins are blue so that's unoxygenated,

so the answer's arteries.

If you win, you owe me a pint, right.

Who was that?

Just me mate Jamal.

I wish I had a friend.

Well, you've got to make an effort, Mam.

You get more like your father every time I see you.

Sorry, I can't help that.

Did you look for your wedding certificate like I asked you to?

No, cos I never had one.

What?

We didn't bother.

You didn't bother?! What do you mean, you didn't bother?

Just what I said. We were never married.

Shit, Mam, why didn't you tell me this before?

You know I've been lookin' for him.

Well, I said it was a waste of time, but you never listen to me.

You weren't married. I don't believe it.

Well, we weren't. And then he left us and that's that!

We're trying for a baby, Mam.

I need to know

if he's got any kind of illness or owt that could be passed on.

I don't know... In my day, you just got pregnant.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah?

Right...

Right.

Who is it?

No-one, go back to sleep.

Can I ring you back when I wake up? Cheers.

Do you know what, I had a dream last night that Mandy rang up

and said we'd won the lottery.

And had you bought a ticket this time?

Yeah, only Becky had lost it. Can you imagine that?

No. Have you got the cups out?

Yeah.

Not the chipped mugs, the ones my sister bought us.

Somebody did ring in middle of the night!

You what?

Check your numbers online. See how much we get for five.

It might be a couple of hundred, or a couple of thousand,

but don't get your hopes up, cos she hasn't found the ticket yet.

Tom, will you get off the phone? This is important!

DOORBELL RINGS I've got to go.

-I'm Natalie. Come in.

-Isabelle Buckland.

-Philip Anderson.

I'll ring you as soon as they've gone.

-Tom!

-I dunno, about half an hour or less.

He's a nurse up at St Anthony's.

-It's one of his colleagues ringing him about a patient.

-Right.

Sorry about that, missing lottery ticket. Right, I'm all yours.

What's up, what have I said?

Isabelle Buckland and Philip Anderson.

Hello.

Tom, pleased to meet you, do you want to take a seat.

Do you want a cup of tea?

We're fine. We've just had one and we're running a bit late.

So we've been looking at your Registration Of Interest form.

Great.

And we noticed that you had IVF seven months ago.

That's right. Unfortunately, it didn't work, though.

Right. Well, the first thing I have to say is

we like prospective adoptive parents to wait at least a year after IVF.

Why's that, then?

To process the loss before moving on to...

I don't understand why everything is so difficult.

Me and Nat want a baby, everybody says we'd make great parents

and there's probably some kid somewhere in a home that

needs people like us to look after it.

I'm a trained nurse, she works on Maternity,

so why make a problem when there isn't one?

I'm not making a problem.

It's no good getting at them, Tom, they don't make up the rules.

I'm sorry. I'm just...sorry.

If you do eventually adopt, have you thought about your child care plan?

I'm sorry?

Which one of you will give up work to look after the baby or child?

Neither of us can afford to give up work.

I'm sure you know NHS don't kill you with money and we've loans

and rent and bills to pay.

You haven't listed your debts down here.

-Cos it's none of your business, that's why.

-Tom!

What? Why should they know how much we owe?

We want a child, not a bank loan.

We're good people and we can offer a kid a loving home.

Both my sister's children went to nursery when they were babies.

We wouldn't advise that,

most of our children have been traumatised in one way or another.

What they need is stability.

So moving on to the medical part of the form,

I see you had a mental health issue.

When I were ten, and I wouldn't call it a mental health issue -

my dad left and I were a bit depressed.

I think that's called normal.

-Can we talk about that?

-Why?

We did explain at the information meeting that sometimes it

-feels as though we're scrutinising...

-You are.

-Will you let her speak?

-Because a child's wellbeing is at stake.

All right.

I ran away from home. I thought I could find my dad.

He just upped sticks and left us

and I couldn't understand why he'd done that.

And you spent time in High Roydes children's psychiatric unit.

Six weeks cos me mam couldn't cope with me.

When they found me and brought me home,

I stopped eating and talking.

I thought if I did that, somebody'd make me dad come back.

All right?

Thank you.

-Is that going to go against us?

-Not necessarily.

There's been no incident of depression since then?

No, I just realised he was a bastard and got over it.

Have you seen your father since he left?

-No.

-Do you want to?

For God's sake!

What difference does that make to us adopting a kid?

I'm sorry, I'm afraid we do have to ask these questions.

That's all right.

Are there any other members of your family that have,

or have had mental health issues?

Yeah, I'm from a family of complete nutters.

My mother's a psycho and I'm a loony.

Will that do you? You know what? I've had enough.

I'm off out.

Tom! Where are you going? Tom?

I'm sorry.

I'm going to come back to that in just a moment.

Tom! Tom!

There you go.

What is the first thing that you are going to buy?

Well, we're trying for a baby, so that's going to take some money, and

I haven't seen my father since I were ten, so I'd like to track him down.

I think, after this, he might be tracking YOU down.

Yeah, he'll be knocking your door down, mate.

So if you're starting a family, are you going to buy a bigger house?

I like it where I live.

It's got two bedrooms and all my mates live near us

so why would I want to move?

Too right.

Oh, and we can walk to Hog's Head for a pint!

-Yeah! He's not going to change.

-Tommy!

What about a flash car, then?

Oh, aye, I'm going to buy meself one of them.

What've you got now?

Just a motorbike, but it freezes me bollocks off in winter.

THEY LAUGH

-Did he just say bollocks on live TV?

-We are live, Tom.

So what are you going to get?

Dunno, a Maserati or a Bentley.

I think I'd get a baby Bentley. That would suit me.

He wouldn't know a Maserati if it ran him over.

Rose. What are you going to do...?

That's enough of that.

Lucky bastard. Are you off round to his house later?

Might as well, he's buying t'beer.

Come and talk to her, tell her she has to come to the party.

It won't be same if we're not all there.

I better not, your dad's here and I don't think he likes me.

Don't be daft, he's just a grumpy sod sometimes.

Me mam'll come if she thinks she's letting

you down, and once she's there she'll enjoy herself.

Come on.

All right, two minutes cos I've gotta call to the shop

and get some orange juice for Alan.

I'm home, Mam!

Hello, sweetheart. Where's your nanna?

-I don't know.

-Hi, Reah, love, how are you doing?

Mum! Dad!

Where is everybody?

What's wrong with you? You look like death warmed up.

I've had a bit of an upset tummy. Hello, love.

Hiya.

You're not getting out of it like that. Take an indigestion tablet.

Did Dad record Look North for us? I texted him.

I don't know.

Where is he?

He's, er...he's had to go away.

Where to?

This job came up in Suffolk so he had to leave tonight cos

-they're working first thing in the morning.

-Me dad?

Yes, your dad.

It's a big job and they're paying a lot of money.

It's been ages since he worked away.

His car's outside.

His mate picked him up, they're sharing petrol.

So are you coming to the party, then?

Oh, I don't know.

'Course she is.

Come on, lets go put something nice on for the party.

-See you later, Tom.

-Ta-rah.

Are you all right?

Yeah, it's just been a long day and Helen rang and gave me a gob-full.

Come round to ours, have a drink and forget about it all.

You can't not come, Mandy, it'd spoil it for everyone.

I'll come and raise a glass, then I'll bring our Reah back

and leave Becky to enjoy herself.

-That Luke turned up on the ward after you'd gone.

-Did he?

And Rose said there was a bit of a row between him and your Becky.

I think she was a bit cut up.

So I think we could all do with a drink,

celebrate t'last day of being skint.

See you later.

As soon as that money hits my bank, boy, am I going to spend it.

What are you going to buy?

A 67 E-type, a racehorse, yacht,

a few holidays, you know, Thailand, Maldives. You name it.

So how long do you reckon before you're skint again?

14 million's a lot to get through, we could easy live off interest.

I'm not letting them money-grabbing bastards at the bank get hold of it.

I'm going to buy a bloody great safe and keep it all in there.

We're thinking of making t'landlord an offer on this house, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-You want to get yourself somewhere decent.

You could have a four-bedroom detached with a games room and bar.

-We like living here.

-You tell him.

But it makes sense to try and buy it cos he's putting rents up again.

-Who told you that?

-Him from t'letting agent came round this morning

cos I rang them about t'damp in the kitchen.

I don't know how you're going to manage with a baby here,

cos t'back bedroom's so small.

Well, the cot'll be in with us at first.

And then if we buy it, we could always build on.

Yeah, do a dormer, me sister's got a dormer, they're ace.

Anyway, I don't know why we're talking about it,

cos I'm not even pregnant yet.

Yeah, but you soon will be.

That's if you're not firing blanks, mate.

Well, I'm not, you pillock. I've been tested

and I have a very high sperm count, I'll have you know.

THEY LAUGH

And if I do end up buying this house, I'll see if he'll sell me

any more on the row. I might even buy yours.

Well, at least we'd get the damp sorted.

Look at your face, you stupid git. I'm joking.

Oh, take care of t'food, love.

-Tom.

-Thanks for coming, Martin.

No problem, seemed to make sense.

Come in. She's inside.

First thing Monday morning, I'm going to get me knees booked in.

Why? What's up with them?

Knackered through years of flinging myself around the dance floor.

Mam, this is Martin, he's come to talk to you.

What about?

Sit here, love, I'll have to move before I seize up.

Give us a hand, will ya? Ta.

-Thanks.

-My pleasure.

So, Dawn...

-Who's he?

-Someone Natalie found.

He does searches for people, he's an ex-copper.

So you're still looking for your dad?

I can afford to do it proper now.

We're heading off.

What? We haven't got all t'food out yet and not everybody's here.

We're off to t'pub, mate. She's a bit cold.

-Well, put a coat on.

-Are you off, too?

Er...yeah, I said we'd meet Paul and Gazza.

Well, bring 'em back, we've got loads of beer

and t'burgers'll be ready in a minute.

Yeah, might do.

No point paying for it when you can get it for free.

-Cheers, mate.

-See you later.

I hope so, I got all this booze in cos I thought you were staying,

it's not even 9:30 yet.

Enjoy your party.

What the bloody hell's up with them?

Jealous.

Nah, they're not like that, they're made up for me.

Hiya! Hiya! Are you all right?

Hiya!

Where's your mam?

Oh. She said she wanted to stay at home and look after our Reah

cos she thought it was a bit late for her.

Couldn't your dad do that?

He's in Suffolk.

Yeah, I don't know what's going on with him.

Last night he said he was packing in work cos we've won the lottery.

And then he goes working away.

PHONE BEEPS

That'll be your mam.

It's that Luke. He's sent me a text, saying he's sorry.

What do you think I am?!

Bloody hell, what did I say?

I think your friend's either pissed or a pervert.

-He can't be pissed.

-He doesn't drink. And he's not a pervert!

Really? Well, he just offered me five grand to go on holiday with him

like I'm some sort of bloody prostitute! Tosser.

Shit.

Are you all right, mate?

Yeah. Apart from dripping in red wine, yeah.

-What did you say to Natalie's sister?

-Nowt.

I said I was planning on going to Thailand

and I was looking for someone to come with me.

I think she took it wrong way.

What are you drinking?

Orange juice. I've had a little doobie though.

Well, don't go flashing it about, that bloke inside

with me mam is an ex-copper.

Well, thanks for the nod. Where's Mandy?

Her dickhead husband's working away so she's babysitting.

Ah. That's a shame.

I saw all his tools in the back of his car when I were leaving.

Is this your usual stomping ground, then?

No, it was the only place I could think of that was

halfway between yours and mine.

You could've come to the party.

I'm sorry if I've dragged you away from your...

Oh, no, it's all right, they're just people I work with.

I mean, you met 'em all when I came for t'ticket.

Oh, right. Were you celebrating?

Yeah, it's our Last Day Being Poor party.

SHE GIGGLES

Money goes into t'bank tomorrow.

What are you going to buy?

Loads of clothes, a house for me and Reah, driving lessons, a boob job.

What for? You've got great...boobs.

Excuse me, how do you know?

Well, they look all right to me.

SHE GIGGLES

Cos I've got a bra full of silicone, that's why.

And a holiday somewhere warm, and that's just for starters.

I meant it, you know, about giving you some money.

I don't want it, it's your money.

Yeah, but we wouldn't have it if it wasn't for you.

Don't be silly.

I'm just glad you kept my number.

Well, I wasn't going to throw it away, was I?

Why didn't you ring me?

You didn't give me a chance.

Anyway, I felt like an idiot telling you I played for the Bulls

when I just worked in hospitality.

I don't know what made me say it.

Yeah, I do, I liked you.

You're not going to die on me, are you?

What?

I have a shit record wi' lads, they either die or dump me.

I promise I won't do either.

Good. Are you going to kiss me, then?

If we're both on late we can go to the cash machine first thing,

and then we'll go see about getting us a baby.

We've got to be in work at 2:00.

You know we don't have to work, any more.

Yeah, but I want to.

Me too.

I'll give up when I have a baby.

It's freezing in this bedroom.

If we end up buying, we'll get another radiator put in,

or underfloor heating.

Yeah. It's weird Jamal and Ruth never came back to party.

Yeah. None of them did, I don't know what's up with 'em,

it's not like them to miss a free beer.

THEY GIGGLE

Hey, that Martin's good.

He wangled some stuff out of me mam.

She told him me dad had some family that lived down south.

Really? She's never mentioned that before.

Do you think she didn't want you to know?

Yeah, like she didn't want me to know she hadn't bothered marrying him.

She even made this big deal after he left about us

changing our name back to Bedford.

I can't imagine you been called Saleem, it's weird.

I don't know how he could just walk away from me like that.

I'm part of him.

You know, if I'm ever lucky enough to have a kid,

I'll never leave him, never.

So you'll be stuck with me.

Oh, no, I might get fed up with you.

You what?! What did you say? Come here. Right, that's it.

THEY LAUGH

-RECEPTIONIST:

-If you could bring with you your GP's referral letter.

PHONE RINGS

Martin. Can I call you back? Just at an appointment.

No problem, I'll call you when we're done.

Says he's got some news.

Hello, how can I help you?

So we don't have to go on any weird diet this time, then?

Personally, I don't think diet or lifestyle

make an iota of difference.

If your sperm count's perfectly normal

and there are no biological reason for you not to conceive,

-and no genetic conditions that should concern us.

-Like what?

Hereditary diseases, illnesses.

But if there's nothing to worry about,

I think we should crack on and help mother nature as soon as possible.

Great. Everything seems to take for ever when you haven't got money.

The thing is, how do I know if we've got anything to worry about?

When he said, "Have you any questions?",

you should've asked him about your dad.

They might be able to screen for these things.

I just don't want to put sticks up for us again.

They're not going to put sticks up, we're paying for this.

Boot's on the other foot now.

ATM BEEPS

Nothing yet.

Bloody hell, how come we've spent 76 quid? We haven't done anything.

I reckon that's your nurse's registration fees,

it's on direct debit.

I don't get why I have to pay 'em to do me job.

It's shit money, anyway, it doesn't make sense.

We don't have to worry about that any more.

Yeah. We don't!

I bet yours is a damn sight healthier than mine.

Don't you believe it. So what's new?

Do you want to go somewhere?

No, it's all right, we've got to be at work in just over an hour.

Right, well, I've tracked a Mohammad Saleem in Birmingham.

I've found a million Mohammed Saleems,

they live all over the bloody place.

This one's about the right age.

So I got a mate of mine to do a CRB check

and it turned out that he has a criminal record.

Great. What is he, a murderer, a rapist, a child molester?

Try driving an un-roadworthy vehicle down the M1 without tax

or insurance on the 31st of March 1985.

Two days after my birthday. Yeah, that fits.

A red Datsun Cherry.

That's it, it was always conking out.

I have an address, but it's over 20 years ago

so he might not still live there.

Do you want me to follow it up, or...?

ATM BEEPS

Tom! Tom! Money's in!

Oh, my God! Tom, look at this!

THEY SCREAM

Take a photo of it.

Hey, look at that.

There's so many numbers, I can't work out how much.

-Just look at the 14.

-I'm going to go and check if mine's in.

You can't, you've got to take Eric down to X-ray.

Sod that for a lark, this is way more important.

Alan! You'll have to ring for another porter.

He stinks of booze.

No! Oh, I hope he hasn't started drinking again.

I thought he was pissed last night, but he said he'd been on the weed.

-Tom, can I have a word?

-Yeah, sure.

Mr Appleby needs a bed pan.

You need to fill in a requisition form for a new soap dispenser

and there's two commodes waiting to be sanitised.

Yeah. And I'll stick a brush up my backside and sweep the ward

-while I'm at it, shall I?

-Excuse me?

I'm on me break and I'm just about to check me bank balance.

Erm...I've checked the duty roster

and there's no way you can take time off.

Your problem.

This is getting bloody ridiculous.

I'll have to have a word with matron.

Right, I was checking the CD cupboard earlier

and we're nearly out of Diazilum.

Do you want me to ring down to pharmacy or buzz Dr Samuels?

No, Tom, I want to know where they've all gone.

We're at least a full packet short,

-we should have had enough to last till the end of the week.

-So?

So I've been looking at these drug sheets

and it seems like all Nurse Atkinson's...

Nurse Atkinson? Do you mean Mandy?

I'm trying to be professional here, Tom.

All these sheets have been counter-signed by either you

or some scrawl that I can't make out.

So what are you saying, we've got a little drug syndicate going,

I'm knicking Diazilum and selling it out on the street?

It's not funny, Tom.

Yeah, well, I'm not laughing, it's sick.

You're trying to stitch us up cos we won the lottery

and you didn't get a bean. You left, Helen, get over it.

Helen's in a foul mood.

You'll never guess what she's come up with now.

She's only accusing me and you of nicking Diazilum.

What?

Don't worry, I told her she's off her rocker

and it's no good being all bitter and twisted.

Hey! Don't look so worried, t'money's in t'bank, we're rich!

Are you doing the drug round?

Yeah, I was just getting things ready.

They've upped Mr Arnold's pain relief.

Right. Hey, you missed a good party last night.

Sorry I didn't make it.

It were a bit late for our Reah to be out and...

BUZZING I'll get it.

Janice Weaver. I believe you have a Rose Marie Wilson working here?

Yeah, why? What do you want her for?

Alan, I will come round...

Oh, sorry, I thought it was... Are you all right, love?

Yeah, I just needed to get a migraine tablet out of me bag.

Helen's doing my head in.

She's turned into Attila The Hun since we won the lottery.

She won't let me have time off for me knees, and I know it's

cos I said she shouldn't have any of the win.

I need to find some cover for a couple of days an'all.

Well, I'm taking it off. What's she going to do, sack me?

I'm thinking of leaving anyway.

Really? It won't be same without you.

I can't work with Little Hitler rampaging about.

I'd rather be home with my family, helping out with our Ashley.

There's some official-looking woman asking to see you.

Janice Weaver,

she says she's from the Department Of Pensions or something.

What? Tell her I'm not here.

Tell her...tell her I don't work here.

-I think she knows that you do.

-Well, stall her, will you?

I'll do my best.

If you could just be careful with your watch on the paintwork.

Sorry.

So how fast do you think it could get us to Birmingham?

It depends. It's a very powerful engine,

but you wouldn't want to break the speed limit, would you?

We could drive it home, get changed and go straight off.

I'm sorry, but you need to book for a test drive.

Or we could drive it into town get some new clothes

and drive straight off.

Yeah! Good plan, but what will we do with the bike?

We could leave it at the hospital and pick it up when we get back.

-Excuse me, could you just...

-We're both nurses at St Anthony's.

Right. Well, why don't you have a think about it.

I have to be honest, it's not economical on petrol

and it'll be a fair old amount to tax and insure, so...

Yeah, but it's nice, isn't it?

I think we'll take it.

Do I look all right in this suit?

Yeah. You look gorgeous. He'll be proud of you.

I don't care what he thinks.

I mean, he's not going to still live here, is he?

No, but they might have a forwarding address for him.

What if he answers the door?

Then you'll have found him. Press the bell.

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah, I'm looking for a Mohammed Saleem, do you know him?

And you are?

I'm Tom and this is Natalie.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Does he live here?

What do you want him for?

Are you his wife?

No, I'm his daughter.

His daughter?! You can't be his daughter.

Well, I am. What do you want my father for?

You don't know me then?

No, why should I?

No reason.

Well, I'm Tom from Bradford. My dad...was a friend of his.

Right.

And he told me if I was ever down here to look him up.

I see, well, my parents have taken my son to the park.

My brother's having a party this evening

and we're trying to get things ready.

You have a brother?

Two, Tariq and Imran.

You know, I am trying to make sense of this, right.

So he had a family here.

And my mam, she was his bit on the side up north.

And I was his bastard son.

I am so sorry.

Is that him? No, it can't be, he's too old.

Do you know what, I think it is him.

I don't think I can do this.

Tom. We have come all this way.

OK, I just want you to keep calm,

say what you want to say and then we'll leave, right.

You can do it.

OK. I can do this. I can do this.

The rain finally stopped.

Yeah. That's good. Are you Mohammed Saleem?

Yeah.

You don't know me, but I think I'm your son Tom from Bradford.

Oh, my God! Tom!

Don't.

This is my partner, Natalie.

I'm so happy to see you.

I hope you don't mind, but I needed to track you down.

We're trying for a baby and they keep asking us questions.

You've grown into such a healthy young man and so handsome.

Yeah, that's what happens to kids, they grow.

Well, I need to know if you've got anything wrong with you,

any illnesses that I should know about?

I've missed you.

Right, well, you should've thought about that before you left.

I thought about nothing else.

It was the hardest day of my life.

Yeah, it was pretty tough for us, as well.

Well, I've been to your house, met your daughter.

Farida?

And I gather you've got two sons.

Yeah, that's right.

But none of them know anything about me, right?

I'm sorry. I couldn't.

No, it's all right, it's no big deal.

I didn't say anything to them, so you don't need to worry.

Tell you the truth, I was a bit shocked.

I thought if I did have any half brothers and sisters

they'd be a lot younger than me.

You mean...your mother never told you? All these years?

That I had a family?

Are you saying she knew?

Of course.

My daughter was eight and my sons were five and six

when I lost my job.

My brother offered me work in his carpet shop in Bradford.

I thought, if things work out I will send for my family.

But I met your mother and she was very beautiful.

I couldn't help myself.

So you never sent for them. Great.

Here you are.

Oh...erm...this is my wife Naaz.

Hello.

Pleased to meet you.

And this is...erm...this is er...

Tom and Natalie, were friends from up north.

HE SPEAKS IN URDU

Thank you.

My pleasure.

That's my son and our grandson Mohsan.

He's lovely.

You'll have children of your own soon.

I hope so, yes.

Right, we better get off.

-Tom.

-But I haven't explained.

I didn't come down here for you to explain, I came here to...

Why don't you go somewhere to talk?

-We can do that.

-No, forget it. It's not important.

But it's important that you understand.

Understand how you leave your ten-year-old son and his mother

when they worshipped the ground you walked on.

Well, go on then, tell me.

I know, it was terrible what I did to you and your mother,

but I was juggling two lives.

I didn't want to hurt either of you.

My heart was torn, I loved you both,

but I loved my family and I missed them and my culture so much.

So they won? Great.

Right, well we'll get off, we've got a long drive back.

Nice to see you though and meet your family.

-Tom.

-Come on.

-Tom.

-Come on.

-Please.

I'm so sorry.

What I wanted to say was I thought it was my fault you left.

I thought it was cos I made a fuss

when I didn't get a BMX for my birthday.

I wanted to tell him that I ended up in a children's psychiatric unit

and two weeks later, me mam decided to try and top herself.

I wanted to tell him...

..you ruined me mam's life and you broke my heart.

But I couldn't say it, Natalie.

I couldn't bring myself to say those words.

Because you're not like that, Tom.

I don't know what I was expecting.

I've been trying to find him that long.

You built it up in your mind so much, love.

I mean, he was never really going to live up to your expectations,

was he?

It was weird, it was like I never knew him.

He was like a stranger to me.

He was just this sad little man. I thought he was tall.

Yeah, well, don't forget, you were only ten. You looked up to him.

Yeah, I did that all right.

Well, he's got four kids, so no problem in that department.

Are you going to say anything to your mam?

Nah, no point.

Look at you with your Bentley and your flash suit.

Yeah, you're too good for us now, mate.

People's car is the literal translation of which brand?

We should just crack on with our own family.

-Yeah, you're right.

-What you having, Tom, your usual?

-Yeah.

-And a lime and soda.

-I'm just going to ask...

Can I get anyone anythin'?

A Bentley, Rolex, holiday in the Caribbean.

No, it's all right, Steve's already got one in, mate.

Right.

Marcus is being a bit of a git. So when's our first appointment?

What is the most commonly broken bone in the body?

I made it Thursday, but...

Hang on, I've just got to tell 'em this.

Answer's the clavicle.

We know! We're not thick!

All right. Chill, man!

You might have forgotten.

Before you were rich, I climbed up your drainpipe

-to sort your aerial out.

-I haven't forgotten.

And I fell off and bust me collar bone.

Well, the nurse in A&E told me. Clavicle!

What's up with you? What have I done wrong?

-What's the matter?

-I don't know. Ask them.

Do you mind? I'm tryin' to do the quiz here.

Come on! Have I said something?

Is it the car?

Do you want a Bentley?

I'll buy you a Bentley, I'll buy you both one.

Oi! We don't want any trouble.

It's just a friggin car!

Do you know something, I've just found out I've got two brothers

and a sister, but I don't give a shit about them,

because you lot are my family.

-Let's go, Tom.

-I don't want to go.

Everybody has the same chance.

You can go buy a £2 lottery ticket and win.

And you know what, I'd be happy for you if you did.

Yeah, you think you would,

but if you had 18 grand of debt hanging round your neck,

your landlord trying to evict you

and your mate saying he's going to buy your house,

it'd soon wipe the smile of your face.

I'll pay off your debt.

No, thanks. I'll sort meself out.

Please, Tom.

I don't understand it! What can I do to make this right?

Nowt.

Right, you've had your say, can we crack on now, please?

It's just...

What? For Christ's sake, tell me!

Well, we don't feel like...

..like you're one of us any more, Tom.

Sorry, mate.

You bastards.

Come on, that's enough!

I don't believe this.

I don't want to live here any more.

I don't want to see any of them ever again.

If somebody had said this would happen to me mates,

I would never have believed 'em. Never!

They're not your mates, love.

If they were, they wouldn't be like that with you.

I can't get my head round it.

Why would they be like that?

I tell you what, it's been a shit day.

Maybe we should start looking at some houses.

Yeah, we'll need something bigger if you get pregnant, anyway.

So we start again on Thursday, do we?

I'm not sure.

Oh, Natalie, don't say something else. Please!

I wasn't going to tell you this cos I don't want to raise your hopes.

Right.

But it said in that leaflet that we shouldn't start treatment

if there was any chance I could be pregnant.

And I'm six days late.

That's fantastic!

That's the best news ever. I bloody love you.

THEY SQUEAL EXCITEDLY

Oh, careful, are you all right?

That's amazing.

Come here.

Have you got someone at home to look after you?

Yeah, I've a house full. Thanks very much.

-Where do you think you're going?

-Home.

-Have you cleaned the commodes?

I've won the lottery, you clean the bloody commodes!

She said something about me being a high profile case

cos I was a lottery winner, and they might make an example of me.

-No!

-Oh, buggerin' hell.

-Janice Weaver, Mam.

-Oh, shit!

-Rose Marie Wilson, you have been found guilty of fraud.

-No!

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