Episode 22 Waterloo Road

-That's all we need, what does DSC stand for?

-Trouble.

-Who's Dale Sken?

Sken, sir, is slang for a gun.

Check out the hot chick.

-I've got a Saturday job at Berni's.

-The beauty salon?

-Yeah. What do you think of my new look?

-If anyone could turn me, it's you!

-Afternoon.

-Hey.

-Michael!

-Daniel phoned, I gather we have a potential gang problem.

ROWDY SHOUTING

I'd rather go home...with you.

-I'll never forgive you for this, I despise you!

-Oi!

It's not over, this.

-Vote Trudi Siddiqui for head girl.

-Vote Diamond!

-Vote Madi!

Vote Trudi. I've got some really good policies, honestly. Vote Trudi.

I don't know if I've got the energy for teaching after last night.

I didn't hear you complaining at the time. There she is.

-How's the campaign trail?

-Do you want something?

-WOW!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Thank you, they're lush!

-They were Sian's idea.

Perks of being a science teacher... Helium.

-Right, see you in a bit, Dad.

-OK, good luck.

What more do I have to do? I've said sorry enough times.

She'll come round.

-Oh, I'm all right with this, ta.

-Why the rabbit food?

Just not hungry.

Ah, Lauren. Just the lass.

New Candora catalogue, hot off the press!

I'm OK, thanks, I get all my stuff from work you know, staff discount.

That's what I was thinking, if I give you a few testers, take them in

on Saturday and I'll give you a cut of anything they order.

We only use top of the range stuff at the salon.

-Excuse me, Candora is top of the range!

-Trust me, it's not.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Suddenly taken an interest?!

-Puh - these prices?

Well, you'll not get them cheaper anywhere else!

-Vote Madi!

-Is it all gimmicks or do you have any policies?

-Of course!

Head girl's in charge of entertainment budget and who throws the best party here?

-I think they'll be looking for something more substantial than that.

-Well, it's up to them.

And if they vote for me they're GUARANTEED to have a good time. Balloon?

-How's it going?

-I'm going to wipe the floor with her in the hustings.

Course you are, you've got brains AND beauty. A winning combination.

Yow, what are you doing back here? You're lucky I didn't press charges.

-And we all know why that is, don't we?

-Let him go, Finn.

-See? Blood is thicker than water.

Don't think you're forgiven, because you're not.

But for the intervention of one of our staff,

we could have had a fatality last week. APPLAUSE

No, honestly, you'd have done the same yourselves.

Well, now's our chance to prove you right.

Let's nip this gang culture in the bud.

The police have put more patrols on the estates,

but this school is our responsibility.

So let's all be extra vigilant, please.

If any of you have any concerns, however minor you think they are, bring them to me.

What about Tariq? I saw him coming in today.

-We're not having him back, are we?

-I think we should give him a chance.

Just leave Tariq to me, please. We have over 600 other pupils

in danger of gravitating toward the gangs.

-Don't we want them to be decent, responsible members of society instead?

-Yeah, of course.

Well, that's got everything to do with how they present themselves, speak and behave. Basic etiquette.

So let's get these kids speaking properly for starters. Street slang's for the streets.

If it's not in the Oxford English Dictionary,

it has no place in this school. Now this is a list of ten

common examples of street slang banned from now on.

-Blud.

-Brap?!

-Sick!

-And they call me a pedant.

I'm happy to take that crown from you, Grantly, because this initiative will work.

-Let's stamp out gang culture in all its forms.

-Makes sense to me.

Good. If you have any other ideas on tackling the problem I'd like to hear them. Thank you.

And can I just remind everyone it's head boy

and head girl elections today, so please encourage everyone to vote.

Yes, for Madi!

Er, what?! You? Cosmetics?

Come and see me at lunchtime.

I'll get you something for those bags under your eyes.

-You do look like you've been burning the candle at both ends.

-Oh, I wish!

Rosie's moved in. She's got me waiting on her hand and foot.

-Last night she demanded a fried egg and marmite sandwich.

-Wow.

-At midnight!

-Oh, God! She's still got a while to go, hasn't she?

Another seven weeks. I can't imagine getting any more sleep

when the screaming bundle of joy arrives either.

-Cheer up, it'll all be worth it in the end, mate.

-Good luck.

HE SIGHS

-You should give Tariq a second chance.

-He's had a second chance. And third, fourth, fifth and sixth.

If we expel him, what are his choices, eh?

To become a fully fledged member of the DSC?

-Well that will be HIS decision, not ours.

-At least here, he's got a support system.

We could monitor the gang pressure.

-We should be helping him.

-You've really given this some thought.

-Yeah, I've had a lot of time on my hands since Linda...

-Well, it's time much better spent.

Some schools have gang liaison officers.

We just don't have the staff budget for that.

What if there was a teacher who's already here?

-Someone the kids trusted.

-Are you volunteering?

Look, I'll keep across your literacy drive.

I can organise regular visits with the police and community leaders.

Please, Mr Byrne.

If you don't want to give Tariq a chance, give it to me. I think I can get through to him.

All right, you're appointed. But Tariq reports to you morning, break, lunchtime and after school.

-Roger that.

-And thanks, Daniel.

Come on, keep your chin up, it's not all bad.

-He wants to exclude me, doesn't he?

-He does, yeah.

-I've managed to talk him out of it.

-Really?

Mason's not coming back. Treat this as a fresh start.

-I never wanted to get involved with him in the first place.

-You have to prove that to everyone.

Show them you're a responsible, reliable individual.

They've already made me prefect. That didn't exactly work out.

-How about running for head boy?

-Me?

What better way to show you're serious than standing at hustings.

-Tell them what you're about.

-They won't vote for me.

Not the Tariq that was swaggering around the place. But what about the one who protects his sisters?

The family man? Show them your caring side.

-I don't know how to.

-Well, you listen to what they want.

You'll come up with solutions to their problems if you put your mind to it.

-It'll wash off.

-It better had.

-It's only a bit of ink.

You never used to mind getting your hands dirty.

'My ambition is to study hotel management at Uni'.

-At least I know what I want to do.

-So do I! PE teacher.

Something the electorate can relate to.

Hardly imaginative, is it? Following Daddy's footsteps.

Well, it's better than being a beauty therapist.

I mean really, who wants to spend the rest of their life scraping corns off old biddy's feet?

-Well actually, I'm going to be a model.

-Yeah, right.

-Well for your information, I've been spotted by an agent.

-Dream on.

Straight up, look. She came into the salon.

-They've got auditions today.

-And you've got one?

-Yeah.

They said I'm just what they were looking for.

Well, it's only an audition, and you're hardly Kate Moss, are you?

-Watch it, bro.

-Soz, man.

-Oi, you two, stop that.

Gang shakes are banned, remember? Our new code of conduct?

-Sorry, I forgot.

-I only told you ten minutes ago.

Well, it's our new thing now. 'Spect innit.

-And talking like this isn't acceptable. Cooler, now!

-What?

Now, Denzil! And who told you lot to stop, eh? Oi!

-Nerves?

-What?

-The audition?

-I wasn't spotted at all. It's an open audition.

-I just said that to shut Madi up.

-So? Still go for it. You're pretty.

-And you're gay.

-Doesn't mean I don't know a good looking girl!

I'm hardly model material, am I?

-You'll never know unless you go for it.

-Morning, everyone.

Take out your notes on exothermic reactions, please,

we're doing a contrasting experiment today. And while you're doing that,

I will be handing out a list of words that are now banned in school.

-Is 'coursework' on there?

-Nice try. But no.

This is all part of Mr Byrne's new initiative to turn out

-civilised beings.

-What's she banging on about now?

-And thank you, Kyle, for being the first to transgress.

-Uh?

-Ah-ha!

-Shut it, Sharkey.

-Kyle! I don't want to give you detention.

-Dunno what I did wrong, Miss?

-You mean you 'don't know' what you did wrong?

-OK, seriously.

POSH ACCENT: I don't know... that any better?

-LAUGHTER

-'Banging' in the context you intended is a slang use of the word.

Yeah. You mean for this? LAUGHTER

Thank you, Mr Stack. Cooler - you had your chance.

Miss, this is pathetic. It's the way people talk.

We're trying to change that to the way people SHOULD be talking.

It's all about communication.

Something we could all improve on, myself included.

-It's infringing our civil liberties.

-This is for your own good.

If you can't behave or speak properly,

then you'll waste all the opportunities life has to give you.

I don't think this place presents us with a lot of opportunities.

Well, then, even more reason to take pride in yourselves

and make the most of those you have got.

LAUGHING AND SHOUTING

Haven't been in this place for ages. Dad's going to kill me.

That's enough, that's enough! Pass these round, please.

Well, we all know why you're here.

We want to protect the school from gangs...

Sir, you know nothing on gangs.

-I know those red shoe laces symbolise the Dale Sken Crew.

-And?

The DSC threatened Finn Sharkey with a knife, three of them

were convicted of armed robbery last year and another two for a series of muggings.

We want to save you from a life of mindless criminality.

So, I want you to think about what the future holds for you and how

our new initiative on literacy and decent behaviour's going to help.

-Now, Kyle...

-You know what, Mr Chalk,

you might be right. I don't need to advertise who I am.

Right...so, great. Thank you.

Very impressive, Daniel.

I think we might even have reached Kyle Stack.

-Was this your idea too?

-Yeah.

-You sure this sends out the right message to the other pupils?

-He's just come back from exclusion.

-I just wanted to give him

-the opportunity to prove himself to them. Show them he's changed.

-IF he's changed.

-That's a joke, right?

-No, Mr Chalk wants him to run.

Reckons he can set an example to others.

Hi. I'm here for the auditions, it's Lauren Andrews.

I did call? Talitha gave me her card.

And I'll give you at least four discos a term

and a school prom after exams.

So, if you want to party, you know who to vote for.

Madi Diamond - head girl.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

First time I've done anything like this.

Dead nervous. Have you got any tips?

SHE SIGHS

I propose the head girl leads a forum of representatives

from each year who will meet weekly with teachers.

Boring! LAUGHTER

It is important that you have someone campaigning for you.

So, you're all happy with this new kangaroo court of justice, are you?

Well this new etiquette 'initiative' that's been slapped on us

with no warning. It's a blatant attack on our freedom of expression.

Don't YOU want a say in the new school rules?

Well, Trudi, head girl has no say in deciding the school rules.

You're not doing me out of a job.

My proposed forum will also nominate a school charity

and organise fund-raising events.

-Including a charity ball.

-Oi, that's one of mine!

-Except this is for a good cause.

-What you're saying is,

you'd rather save the whales than us have a good time?

MOCKING LAUGHTER

OK, that will do, thank you, Alice.

Erm...Lauren Andrews, please.

If you vote for me as head boy, I'll get you big screen tellies

in the hall, so we can watch the games.

And we can also use it for film nights too.

Tariq, I don't think this is persuading anyone here

that you've changed. I think we'd rather hear you talk about

your opinions on some of the key issues. Knife crime for example.

-I'm against it, obviously.

-You weren't always.

-I told you.

I've made some mistakes.

Did you ever stop to consider what it might be like to

-be on the other end of that blade?

-No. No, I didn't.

I regret what I've done and I promise,

I'll never hold a knife again.

APPLAUSE

Sorry. I've not done this before. What do I need to do?

-You've seen clothes catalogues, haven't you?

-Yeah, of course.

Well, that's what we want. Natural, wholesome, girl next door.

OK, now let's try the girl next door,

but without a stick up her backside. Relax, love! Give me a smile.

Perfect.

-Thank you, Lauren.

-How did I do?

-I'm afraid you're not for us.

-But...

I'm sorry, but you can see how competitive it is.

OK!

Next, a late nomination. Finn Sharkey. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Did you put him up to this?

-No.

Have any of you ever heard the phrase, a leopard never changes its spots?

How about crocodile tears?

Thank you, Mr Sharkey, that's enough with the natural world analogies.

-Let's hear some of your policies.

-That is my policy, Sir.

Keeping this place safe from the likes of him, the DSC

and any other gang that thinks it can get through them gates.

This is our school and I'm going to keep it that way.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-You're a pretty girl.

-Yeah, well, not pretty enough obviously.

SHE SIGHS

You're not the right look for us,

but if you're serious about being a model...

-I am.

-An old colleague.

She's got girls on her list who do lingerie catalogues,

swimwear, that sort of thing.

Yeah, well, I'd be fine doing catalogue work, but I've got a

birthmark on my back which means I'm hardly going to sell a bikini, am I?

-Plus I'm hardly a double E.

-So, fix it.

-How?!

-Cosmetic surgery.

You wouldn't be the first model to use it. There's plenty of clinics around.

You reckon I'd get in, that they'd take me seriously?

Well, I'm no expert, but I've heard it can be done.

-It's got to be worth a shot, hasn't it?

-Yeah, I guess so.

Thanks, Talitha.

And I'll think about maybe getting a boob job as well,

-make sure I'm really confident, give myself the best possible chance.

-That's your decision, isn't it?

Good luck, Lauren.

-Are you OK?

-Mr Byrne's got it in for me.

What do you expect with your reputation?

-Yeah, well, he can stick his stupid election.

-Shame.

I didn't think you'd give up that easily. Guess I was wrong.

Nice work, mate. You get my vote.

Mr Chalk said I had to stand or else I'd get kicked out.

Yeah, and I'm with you. We've got to play the game.

-Get them where we want.

-Too right, tell them what they want to hear.

-Exactly. So, did you mean all that stuff about the knife?

-Course not.

Good. Because the word from above is that you've earned your stripes.

-All yours.

-No, ta. You seen what happened to Mason.

-I can't go down again.

-You ain't going soft on us, are you?

-Nah, of course not....

-GABOS.

Game Ain't Based On Sympathy.

You get that?

Go on.

See you later.

Vote Finn! The head boy with nothing to apologise for!

Come on, kids, you know it makes sense. Vote Finn.

Here you are, mate, d'you want one? Vote Finn.

-So what are your policies?

-Give me a chance.

-I've only just decided to run.

-To spite Tariq.

-He'll make everyone's lives a misery.

-I know he's your brother, but..

-Finn, it's fine.

I have less of a problem with you than Mr Byrne, at least you're honest.

-The way he ripped Tariq's presentation apart wasn't fair.

-Tariq got off easy.

-What?

Mr Byrne's new rule has had half the school in the cooler already.

That's not fair.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I thank you, thank you.

-Hey, how did it go?

-Erm, yeah, good.

-Nice one. I told you, didn't I?

-Just because you have an agent, don't mean you'll get any jobs.

-That's where you're wrong.

-She already lined up a few shoots for me.

-Seriously?

Yeah, just some like, catalogue clothing stuff.

-Then we must celebrate.

-Worth knowing now, am I?

Lozza, you are my ticket to some wicked parties.

Goodbye, Rochdale. Hello, Milan.

SHE SCOFFS

Hi, erm, I heard that you do free consultations?

It's for laser treatment and maybe breast enlargement.

OK, when can I come in and discuss it?

Oh, no, I can be there.

-All right, thanks, bye.

-Who was that?

-Oh, it was just the salon.

-They want me to work late on Saturday.

-You and your two new friends?

-I failed the audition.

-You said they gave you some work.

-They will if I get my birth mark removed

-and my boobs done.

-But you're fine as you are.

-Well, obviously I'm not.

Come on, Josh, you know how much I want this. You know I've always thought about getting them done.

-It's not like it's a big deal, loads of girls get their boobs done!

-Not a big deal, are you serious?

I've made my decision, but I could do with some support, will you come with me?

There's a cancellation this afternoon.

Our miracle recovery cream,

the perfect remedy for a day at this place.

The glucosamine and yeast extract gently exfoliates to give

the skin a perfectly even tone. May I?

Thank you. Simply apply like so.

Leave over night and wash off in the morning.

Wow. It really is a miracle if it works on your wrinkly old mush.

And the perfect partner, our daily replenishing cream

containing hyo...hyal...uranate...

to leave the skin feeling supple and radiant.

And if you buy them both together, I'll knock another 5% off.

That is low! Setting yourself up in competition against Maggie!

It's a free market, Janeece... Thank you. ..and a very lucrative one.

-You said I had to report in at lunch?

-Consider yourself reported.

How's the campaign trail going?

Crap. You saw. Mr Byrne basically told everyone I'm a muppet.

Look, you didn't give up, you made your speech, that's what counts.

You know you can talk to me, don't you? That's what I'm here for.

I've got this friend

and the Dale Sken Crew have given him something to look after.

You know, to tie him in. It's not entirely legit.

-Your friend should take it to the police.

-What?

And get nicked?! With his record?! Get real.

-He'd be straight back inside.

-They're running an amnesty.

Whatever it is, they'll take it.

-No questions asked.

-They say that, but...

Don't worry, I'll tell him.

Your, erm, friend has to do what's right. Be his own man.

He doesn't need the Dale Sken Crew.

HE SIGHS

-Vote Trudi for head girl.

-Let me give you this DELIGHTFUL balloon.

-Vote today, girls.

-Trudi?

Taking time out with your boyfriend, not very dedicated, is it?

-Are you sure you want to go through with this?

-We've got to stand up for ourselves.

-I'll get some more from the art room.

-Head girl, later today.

-Vote Trudi for head girl.

-Enjoy it. Who are you going to vote for?

-I handed out all your leaflets, have you got any more?

-Follow me, shrimp,

we're going to assert our right to freedom of speech.

-Hello, Madi. How's it going?

-There you go. Fine.

I thought of a few more policies you could throw into the mix if you wanted.

-I don't need your help, thank you. I'm doing great.

-You certainly are.

That was some performance at the hustings.

-Quite the public speaker.

-It's simple really.

-You've just got to be honest with people.

-OK, I deserved that.

Look, I was thinking of booking a spa day at the weekend,

do you fancy coming with me?

-You never know, we might be celebrating.

-We?

Where do you get off? Look, if I win this, it's nothing to do with you.

Madi!

-I'm sure this is treatable.

-Really?

With a course of laser therapy, you'll look as good as new.

-Is it that simple?

-We've treated a lot worse.

-Honestly, it's amazing!

I can't tell you how much it's going to change my life. It's like a miracle.

Have you thought any more about the breast augmentation?

Erm, yeah, I'd like to go ahead, but can we discuss size?

I should warn you, it's not as straight forward as the laser treatment.

You are only 18, so the surgery can be dangerous

because there's a chance you might still be growing.

So how do you do...the operation?

Well, the surgeon makes a small incision on the underside

of the breast for the implant to be inserted.

Takes about an hour and a half. There's really nothing to it.

-Sounds great.

-Have you thought about what shape you'd like?

There's the round or the anatomical, sometimes called the teardrop.

Er, can I get my boyfriend and ask him what he thinks?

This really isn't my area of expertise.

You don't have to decide now, but if I were you,

I'd think carefully about the anatomical.

-It's more of a natural shape, it doesn't look so...

-Fake?

-Enhanced.

I want them to look enhanced. That's the whole point.

-How much does it cost?

-I'll get the sales team

-to price up the options for you.

-But it'll be thousands, right?

-We offer payment plans with competitive rates of interest.

-Come on, we're out of here.

Will your sales team get back to me today?

-I'll make sure that they do.

-Thank you.

-Where you off?

-Nowhere.

-What were you and Chalky talking about earlier?

-The elections.

-Looked like you were grassing to me.

-I wouldn't. Honest.

You know I wouldn't! I swear! Look, I just needed a walk.

Got things on my mind, innit?

D'you think I'm some muppet?!

Yo, back up man! Back up! You think I won't do it?!

I said back up! I'll do it, you know, now back up!

-Your prints are all over that.

-So? It's only a knife.

Yeah, only the one the police are looking for in connection to

that robbery last week at the bookies.

Not thinking of quitting the crew are you? Don't worry mate, we're family, yeah?

# And me

# Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. #

The same again.

# And me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. #

Join in please.

# Me, me, me, me, me , me, me, me, me, me, me. #

Guys, come on, what's going on?

How did Lawrence add a twist to Freud's theory?

HE MOUTHS

What's going on?

-What's going on?

-They're protesting over something.

Long may it continue. Peace and quiet, a rare and precious commodity.

-Do you know what this is all about?

-I can guess.

Brilliant. It's the whole school.

It doesn't take a genius to work out who's behind it!

Let's see what Mr Byrne has to say about this, shall we?

You encouraged me to do the audition!

-I didn't know it'd end up like this.

-It's MY body, Josh.

I can see why you'd want to get rid of the birthmark, but you don't need a boob job.

You're an expert now, are you?! Ignore the advice of a top modelling agent

-because Josh Stevenson is the new fashionista.

-It's seriously not worth this.

-How can you say that?

You know how much I want to be a model. This is my chance.

I don't know why you can't just be happy for me?

Lauren, come here.

-I just care! I'm being a mate!

-What are you doing, you idiot?!

-Want some?

-Get it away from me, I'm not a dumb dopehead, and I'm not friends with them neither.

-Don't be like that.

-Josh I'm serious. That stuff can mess you up.

-Says the girl who's messing her body up with pointless surgery.

-Oh, it's hardly the same, is it?

Just think, I'll be doing photo shoots on tropical beaches

while Madi's running a load of sweaty kids round a playing field.

-Eh?

-Well, I'm going to be a model, and she's going to be a PE teacher. Who has the last laugh?

I'm impressed. No, seriously, I am.

It takes real leadership qualities to galvanise such unanimous support.

And this is about our initiative somehow violating your freedom of speech, yes?

It's not JUST the speech. It's everything.

-It's for the good of the whole school Trudi.

-School? That's a joke.

You're turning this place into a prison.

-Do what you're told, when you're told, how you're told.

-Finn was nearly stabbed.

You're talking to someone who's been there, who knows how that feels.

These gangs WILL destroy this school if we let them.

We're not all gang members. We're individuals in our own right.

You can't take away our freedom of expression because of a few stupid lads.

That's not what I'm doing at all.

-Then why are you so draconian about it?

-Because it's the only way.

Speak and act properly and you have the freedom to express your opinions, your ideas, your beliefs.

I know this is a new initiative, I don't expect people to

support it immediately, but we have to do something, and now,

if we're going to stop these gangs taking over this whole school.

That's the last thing I want.

Right, well help me stop that from happening.

Did you see Madi's balloons?

Why would I waste my vote on her, smug cow.

-What's going on?

-My office, now.

Sit down. How dare you mock a fellow student like that.

-I want you to apologise to Madi.

-Why? She deserved it.

I'm sick of her strutting around like she's lady muck.

You humiliated her in front of everybody.

-In my book that's bullying.

-All right, fair enough.

What were you doing out of school anyway?

-It's not funny, Josh. I want to know.

-We were er...

-Josh!

Well, it's not like she's not going to notice when you've had them done.

-Had what done?

-She's getting a boob job.

-Josh!

-I think you should leave.

-Is this true?

-You told us this morning to make the most of our opportunities.

-I've got a chance to be a model.

-And you think getting a boob job will help you?

-Well, the agency thinks so.

-This is major surgery with serious risks.

I'm 18! I can do what I want! Loads of girls get it done, it's no big deal.

How are you going to afford this? It's not going to be cheap.

I've got a Saturday job at the beauty salon. I can pay for it with what I earn there.

Lauren, you're an intelligent girl, please use your brain.

Look, what happened to you wanting to set up your own salon?

Look, just think this through, OK?

Thanks for your patience.

Mr Byrne has explained and convinced me the new initiative should stay.

It might take a while to get used to,

but it WILL protect our school from the likes of the Dale Sken Crew.

-So, this was a waste of time?

-Of course not.

-So she got it wrong.

-Yet she still wants you to vote her in as head girl?

-Listen to me.

-BOOING

I did get it right. We all did.

Because we ALL stood up for what we believed in. And I'd do it again.

-Yeah, so you could get beat again?

-I didn't get beaten. Far from it.

I've persuaded Mr Byrne to make himself available

one lunchtime a week to hear what WE have to say.

-Uninterrupted and uncensored.

-Oooh, big deal!

I know it might not sound exciting but regular one-to-one access

with the headmaster is a first for Waterloo Road. And think of it, OUR concerns will be listened to.

Our suggestions considered.

And we won't have to wait ages for a decision.

We have a voice, let's use it.

D'you know what, I think we do have our victory.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well done, Trudi.

I look forward to hearing from everyone.

OK, the voting for your new head boy and head girl is now open

and the results will be announced 15 minutes before the final bell, thank you very much!

-Tom!

-Yeah?

Erm...I had to pull Josh up on his behaviour earlier.

He was acting really quite strangely, I think you might need to have a word.

-Oh, right. OK, well thank you for the heads up.

-OK.

Hey, what's up?

-Madi's upset. She knows she's not going to win.

-Ah.

I think I just got her hopes up.

No, you encouraged her to be ambitious.

-That's a really good thing.

-Maybe you're right. Listen to me going on.

You're the one bending over backwards trying to get through to her.

-Yeah. I haven't got very far.

-But you haven't stopped trying!

-You see most people would have given up on her by now.

-I'd never give up on either of them.

But it IS hard not having that history together.

Well, I've hardly been the greatest dad, have I?

I wasn't around for them when they were little.

I was training, travelling to matches or out with the boys.

-Still getting it wrong now.

-They turned out OK!

What I'm trying to say is that it's not been easy for me either.

-If I could do it again, it'd be different...

-I know.

What?

Well...why don't we?

-Why don't we have one of our own?

-You're not serious?

It's a stupid idea. I mean you wanted a career,

-you didn't want kids.

-No, I'm not saying no. I just..

-Really?

It's just come as a bit of a shock, that's all.

-Well, we need to talk it through properly.

-Great.

-Tonight?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Miss, you were right. I'm taking your advice.

-Sorry?

You know, using my brain. Thinking about my future.

Oh, right, good. Well done.

Lauren?

Good luck with it, make the most of your chances while you have them.

Life can change at the drop of a hat.

-You make sure you're in control OK?

-Don't worry, Miss, I will.

-Matt!

-Stop running, please!

-Matt!

-What are you doing here?

If you answered your phone, you'd know!

-Sorry, we've had a bit of a situation.

-Well, so have I.

-I've got a flat tyre.

-And so you drove here?!

-I'm already late, aren't I?

-For what?!

-My ante natal yoga.

-LAUGHTER

-Keys.

Right, guys, this is Miss Matthews. She'll look after you for a bit. Behave for her.

-Hang on, hang on, you can't leave me with...

-I've got to change a tyre, haven't I?

I'll only be a few minutes. Just get them settled.

Hey, I know how I can make some extra money to pay for the surgery.

-I just need your help.

-Doing what?

-Meet me in the changing rooms in ten, OK?

-What's going on?

-Free period.

-You know what I'm talking about. That was out of order with Madi.

-It was only a joke. I didn't know she'd hear me.

-What is wrong with you?!

-What?!

You know what. You stink of it!

-Empty your pockets now!

-Why?

-Empty your pockets!

With me!

-I'm sorry, Dad!

-If I catch you with it again, I'll march you down the police station myself.

-Is that clear?!

-Yes!

-Now get rid of it!

-I won't do it again. I promise.

I'll make sure you don't. You're grounded.

-CHATTING AND LAUGHING

-Come on! OK, Matt won't...

Mr Wilding, won't be long. Quiet! Oh!

-Sorry.

-Oh!

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine.

-Who are you?

-Sit down.

SHOUTING AND LAUGHING

All of you, just get on with whatever you're supposed to be doing!

SHOUTING AND BANGING ON THE PIANO

-SHE WINCES

-Can you keep it down, please!

-Miss! Are you all right?

-SHE GROANS

-Oh, my God.

SHE WINCES

-Dad just found my weed.

-Good.

I don't know whether I'll be able to do this, you know.

Well, how much of that stuff did you smoke? I'm not asking you to paint people's nails, just be a look out.

Oi, you two. Do you fancy getting your nails done?

Well, we're meant to be in class.

-I'll be dead quick, it'll only take five minutes.

-Two for the price of one?

-Go on then.

-But you've got to show them off to everyone and tell them where to find me.

-Ooh, you're on.

-Sir, Sir.

-What's wrong?

-It's Miss Matthews! Come quick!

-What's happening?

-It's Rosie. She's having pains.

-Has she gone into labour?

-She can't have, it's way too early.

-Right, everyone out please.

-Come on!

-What happened?

-That girl banged the door into me.

-Ambulance, please...

It's a dead good idea. Saves me a trip now I know I can get them done at school.

It's not just nails. I'm going to bring in the full works tomorrow.

Make up, hair extensions, fake tan...

-You're going to make a killing.

-That's the idea.

-What's going on in here?

-Nail bar.

-I can fit you in, if you want, Mags.

-It's only a fiver.

-I cannot afford it pet.

I've not sold a thing from the new catalogue.

I bet it don't help with Grantly setting himself up in competition.

Hahaha! Budgen? Pull the other one.

-What does that old curmudgeon know about health and beauty, eh?

-SHE LAUGHS

You're serious, aren't you?

-Right. Deep breaths all right.

-SHE GROANS

-Ah, can you help her please?

-How far gone, is she?

-Erm...33, 34 weeks.

-What's your name, Love?

-It's Rosie.

-Rosie, have you had any problems with you pregnancy so far?

-No.

-Anything we should be aware of?

-No. It's all been fine.

-SHE GROANS

-What's wrong?

-She's having contractions, she's in labour.

-She can't be! It's too early!

-Rosie, just stay calm.

We're going to take you to hospital. SHE PANTS

The town Vanity is a metaphor for Thackery's belief

that people are, "abominably foolish and selfish."

A view not without its merits.

-KNOCK ON THE DOOR

-Yes?

-Can I speak with Trudi, please?

If you must. Be quick.

Right! Homework.

SHE GROWLS

-I'm going to have to get Lauren to redo these!

-Lauren?

-She's a right little artist.

-And when did she do these?

-At lunchtime.

-And they're still wet?

Madi!

-Look, about earlier, I was out of order I'm...

-I deserved it.

-Any chance I could get my nails done?

-Sure.

What's going on?

You told me to think about setting up my own business.

-Not during school!

-But she's got a real talent for it.

What if I do it at lunchtimes? You did say I should set up a salon?

All right, I will run it past Mr Byrne and if he's OK it, you can use my science lab, right?

Thanks, Mrs Diamond.

-From Madi.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

Mrs Diamond said we can set up in the science lab every lunchtime.

-We're going to clean up. Which is a good thing, innit?

-I suppose.

-So?

-The clinic called. It's going to cost four grand for my boob job

and I worked out that even with our thing and the Saturday job,

-it could take me three years to save up.

-Is it really worth it?

-Especially with the good little business we've got going.

-But I wanted to be a model.

Even if you wait, there's no guarantee you'll get any work.

Look what you've achieved in an afternoon. Stick with the business,

and who knows where you'll be in three years.

Come on, we'd better get to the election results.

I'm sorry!

-I'm so sorry!

-Hey, it's not your fault. It's going to be all right.

-SHE SCREAMS

-We need to get her to the hospital now!

-I've been so selfish.

-All I've been doing is moaning about her all day.

-Don't beat yourself up.

-Sir, sir, is Miss Matthews OK?!

-Yeah, you get yourself back inside, Naseem.

-I want Matt!

Rosie wants you. We need to get going. ROSIE SCREAMS

Excuse me?

-My sister banged a door into Miss Matthews. Did that cause it?

-No.

This just happens sometimes and we never know the reason.

-Tell your sister it's not her fault.

-Thanks.

SIREN BLARES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, the moment you've all been waiting for.

The announcement of your new head boy and head girl.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Where's Trudi?

-No idea, sir.

I'd like to thank the candidates for all of their hard work.

And I'd like to thank you for exercising your right

to have a say in the future of this school.

So without any further ado, here we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Your new head girl for the year

is Trudi Siddiqui.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Your new head girl!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I look forward to working with you.

-I'm sure you'll keep me on my toes...

-Thanks, Sir.

And your new head boy...

Finn Sharkey. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you all very much, I'll see you tomorrow.

Listen, mate, no need to worry about no poxy elections.

They don't understand us. Play by our own rules, yeah? So, we're cool?

-GABOS.

-GABOS. See you on the outside, yeah?

-Yeah man.

Unlucky, Tariq. It's the taking part that counts.

I'm sure Mr Byrne's been impressed by your commitment.

Fair outcome I suppose.

-But I'm glad I did it and thanks for all the encouragement.

-Ah,

don't mention it. Your, em, friend, did he...?

-Yeah, yeah, that's all been sorted.

-Excellent. Right.

-I'll see you in the morning.

-Cheers.

How dare you undercut us!

Scared of a little healthy competition, are we?

-How can I compete with you when you're giving it away for less than cost?

-It's called loss leading.

-You're going to put me out of business at this rate.

-Free market.

-How much do you earn, Grantly?

-Puh! I'm a teacher.

Ipso facto, a pittance.

Well, it's a damn sight more than a dinner lady. I rely on that money.

-They've put the rates up at Fleur's home and I need the money.

-So do I.

Wait!

A good business is greater than the sum of its parts, is it not?

-Is that some poncey way of saying you want to join forces?

-OK, Matt.

Thanks for letting me know. Yeah, we're all thinking about you here.

-Bye.

-Is Rosie OK?

-She gave birth in the ambulance.

Rosie's OK but the baby's critical. God knows what they're both going through.

-Well, if there's anything we can do.

-I'm going down to the hospital now

but I think it's going to be a waiting game.

Fingers crossed we'll all be wetting the baby's head soon enough.

Hey, I'm sure Lauren and Josh didn't mean to upset you.

And you'd know about that?

Madi, I'm so sorry.

The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you or your dad.

If I could change it, I would.

-It was a mistake, a seriously bad mistake.

-Like this.

I only joined up for a bit of a laugh.

Trudi's the one with all the ideas. What have I got?

-Balloons and badges.

-You'd make a great head girl!

I think we both know that's not true.

I was just stupid for getting carried away with it.

-You're definitely your father's daughter.

-Yeah, I know!

That's a good thing. Wish I was like you at school.

I was the shy, nervous one who never put their name forward for anything.

-So, who does that make me?

-Emma Martin. Life and soul of the party.

Always up for anything. What I wouldn't have given to be her.

You haven't turned out too badly.

Oi, you forgot this.

Fair's fair.

-You helped me out.

-Your needs are greater than mine.

-And why's that?

You know. The op?

-Oh, so you're saying there's something wrong with me?

-No, but...

Exactly, you were right. I should have listened to you earlier.

-I cancelled the boob job.

-What about the modelling?

-I'm better than some catalogue clothes horse.

There's more important things to worry about than what I look like the whole time.

-I'm going to use what I've got. Not here. But up here.

-Good for you.

Here. I'm still going to get the birth mark removed.

It's a grand, but it'll take me a few months to save up

but I'll be able to afford it if I keep on with the beauty therapy.

-Oi!

-You need to knock those drugs on the head.

-Yeah, I'll try...

Hey, Lauren! Can you finish these off for me later?

-Yeah, come round to mine now, if you want?

-Cheers.

-Hey, congratulations.

-Yeah, dream ticket. Thanks guys..

-Yeah, congratulations, mate.

I will be needing an entertainment officer, like, if you're interested.

Yeah, totally! Sound!

Dad?

I'm really sorry about earlier.

I've heard it all before, Josh.

Is it not a big enough lesson for you that I ended up in hospital?!

-Are you really that stupid?!

-Sorry. I promise I won't do it again.

Are you going to Speedway tonight?

-Aces versus the Pirates, what do you think?

-Yeah. Silly question.

-You're coming with me.

-I thought I was grounded.

Ah, well, you're coming with me where I can keep an eye on you.

I'll get changed.

-You all set?

-Nearly.

-Just sorting out lesson cover for Matt.

-Oh. How are they doing?

Rosie's all right, but the baby is still really struggling.

-Should we pay them a visit on our way home?

-Probably best not to.

They know where we are if they need anything.

-And there was me going to suggest that we take the phone off the hook cos Zack and Madi are out.

-Are they?

Mm. Give us a chance to talk babies of our own?

Maybe even make a start?

-You are up for this, aren't you?

-Yes.

-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-I'll catch you up.

-See you in the car.

Grady, I can't.

-Give up again tomorrow.

-He's trouble, mate.

-Vanessa Cooper, here for the Head of English.

-Oh, sorry, Nikki Boston.

-Jealous, Kyle?

-No, I don't go out with skanks.

-What?!

Are you trying to say you've enjoyed having us around?

-Um, er...in short, yes, very much.

-SHE LAUGHS

Let go of me!

-You've got some explaining to do.

-Dad!

-You've had enough chances. Now you're going to be treated like any other pupil. Inside!

-Tom, wait!

And what was he doing on this march of yours apart from fighting?! After everything we went through,

-you promised me.

-Course I promised, I had to.

-Then why are you still smoking this crap?!

TELL ME!

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