The Making of QI


The Making of QI

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Transcript


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-This show is fabulous.

-I thought, that's the sort of programme I want to watch.

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It's really, really good fun.

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QI THEME TUNE PLAYS

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AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Shall we get straight down to business? Question one. What colour is the universe?

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Why don't pigeons like going to the movies?

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Does the Pope eat beaver?

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Can you tell me what are coffee tights?

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Maybe a prudish person might place them over the legs of a coffee table.

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It is a pair of tights made of coffee, as it were,

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or at least with caffeine in them.

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Are there going to be other items of clothing made out of liquid? Like custard socks or...

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or a nice vodka hat.

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Now you've said custard socks, I want them now.

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You can't have custard socks till you've put on your gravy cardie.

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It seems unlikely that slipping on a pair of tights is going to dissolve a fat arse.

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At least it'll stop your leg going to sleep.

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Very good! Excellent.

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When I knew I was going to be a dad for the first time,

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I laboured under the illusion, since dropped, that I knew something.

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But I thought, obviously, I don't know everything

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so I will buy the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica,

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which is about nine yards long,

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and read all of it in order to become the best dad in the world.

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It was so boring and difficult to read that I kind of despaired about it.

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SHEEP BLEATS

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When I first had the idea for QI in the late '90s,

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I kept it to myself two years.

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We used to meet occasionally and John would tell me regularly

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that he had a big idea he wanted to impart.

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Then we'd get distracted, usually by beer.

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One fateful afternoon, he finally divulged the idea that was QI.

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QI is, first of all, a mission and a philosophy.

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It's a way of looking at the world which is different.

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So he said, "OK, I'll give you three examples of interesting things."

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For the first 21 years of basketball's existence,

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it hadn't occurred to anybody to cut a hole in the bottom of the basket.

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You had to get a stepladder to get the ball out.

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The second was the fact that kangaroos had three vaginas.

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The third was about the existence of these things called tardigrades.

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They live anywhere there's water, but, if they dry out, they can live for over a century

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in a state of suspended animation.

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You add water and they come back to life. I couldn't believe this.

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So this is QI Central.

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This is the key library of QI where I've been sitting for ten years,

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researching the most unbelievably obscure subjects.

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Over in this corner, we've got all the stuff about languages

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and slang, quotations.

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And, bizarrely, the Dictionary Of Minor Planet Names,

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where I discovered there are asteroids called Smith, Jones, Brown and Robinson.

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We had a lunch in Oxford where John gave me this big map

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of what he wanted QI to become.

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It was shops and it was a place to hang out and it was radio

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and it was television, it was multi-media.

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It was the idea that once you've got this idea that there's a way of making something interesting,

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you can apply it to everything.

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What happened is that John brought it to me

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and I was at the time running in-house production

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and it was an independent idea,

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it came with Talkback Thames.

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It was going to be called QI, because he'd listed all these facts

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and he found himself using the phrase, "That's quite interesting".

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Or people would say, "Oh, that's quite interesting."

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I basically said, contrary to the usual rules in this thing,

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"I'll help you develop it and make sure that at least a pilot gets made in some way."

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APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, hello and welcome to QI,

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the quiz where the answers are much more exciting than the questions,

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but the questions are completely impossible.

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As I don't expect the panel to know the answers,

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I shall give credit purely on the basis that I find their replies interesting,

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regardless of whether they're correct or even relevant.

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The pilot was huge fun to write, because I had the whole of all the stuff

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I'd been researching for years. I could pick and choose.

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I'd cherry pick the best possible questions.

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In 1992, the French government relaxed the ruling on the list

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of what French children could be legally christened.

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Jean-Pierre, Marie-Claire, Jeanne-Marie, Tintin, blah blah.

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The following year, after relaxing these laws,

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the most popular name for a baby French boy was Kevin.

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LAUGHTER

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I remember Eddie Izzard was involved, and Alan.

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I got involved with QI because I met John Lloyd

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when he was directing commercials I did for Abbey National.

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-ADVERT:

-Saving with Abbey National keeps my hair a part of me.

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Lloydy, as we called John Lloyd, called me and said,

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"The BBC really like it. They're going for it they'd like a series of QI."

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Jane Root, who was running BBC Two, ordered 16 shows at once.

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That's never happened to me in my whole career.

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It went from being four of us in a room, to a whole set,

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Stephen presenting the material that John had been working on

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and we had contributed to, and questions that we had come up with.

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-What was rectal inflation...

-LAUGHTER

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..in Victorian England?

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I think it's when arseholes went right up in price...

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LAUGHTER ..and spiralling out of control.

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The price was brought down by a change of interest rates.

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Did the bottom fall out of the market?

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There was something really special here because the pilot is such fun,

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it's so alarmingly odd.

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What is the sixth most popular name for a baby boy in Germany?

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HE LAUGHS

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Er, Klaus.

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-No.

-Adolf!

-Oh, he said Adolf.

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-D'oh!

-Minus ten. That's a minus-ten card.

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-It's got "ph" on it, that's not Adolf.

-I know.

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The literacy of our research department is neither here nor there.

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Because, in those days, Stephen wasn't the national treasure he has since become.

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He was just some guy, who was very bright.

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People would say, "Is he that clever, Stephen?"

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I'd say, "Of course he's not. No-one could know all that stuff."

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QI's an odd programme, because it's hosted by Stephen Fry,

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who is the cleverest man in the world, anyway.

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Then he's provided with loads more information on cards, which he can refer to.

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Then he's got a script on the autocue for other bits he doesn't know

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and just in case something has slipped by his attention,

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there's somebody shouting in his ear with additional facts.

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Ah, we have late breaking news, as a matter of fact.

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When he stops like that, he's not trying to remember,

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he's listening to someone tell him it.

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Cruithne is pronounced "Cruinia"

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and it's actually Celtic.

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He knows virtually nothing. Do you know what he knows about? Wagner.

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Even before I did QI, people had this view of me

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as being a bit of a schoolmasterly sort of figure.

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Don't be put off by a young person knowing more than you.

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-You must be used to it by now.

-I'm just mucking about, sir, sorry.

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Because he's such a teacher type, it makes me want to wind him up.

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Every time he looks around, I want to throw paper at his head.

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G-E-N-O-C-I-D-E.

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Oh, you're in trouble.

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LEE MACK GRUNTS

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ALAN GIGGLES

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Stephen Fry would be a really good teacher,

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because he won't whinge if you're being silly.

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If he was my teacher, I would be thrilled.

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And now I think a lot of the guests play up to it.

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Phill Jupitus and others in particular,

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love to mock my grown-up-ness, if you like.

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What are the beer goggles? What is the Latin term?

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-LAUGHTER

-Beer goggles?

-Yeah.

-What are they?

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When you have the beer goggles on is when you fancy someone who normally you wouldn't fancy.

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-Oh!

-So you would refer to someone as a "seven-pinter".

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Stephen doesn't have beer goggles, he has madeira pince-nez.

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With Stephen it would be, "Oh, you're a cracker. More madeira?

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"A small sherry?"

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Because I can't out-think, or sort of out-perform Fry,

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all I can do is flirt with him, which does make him go really...

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It's like he just turns into a Jane Austen character.

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Just these flashes of, "Oh, stop it! No! Don't!"

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How many muscles are there in your fingers? How many?

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# 20 tiny fingers. #

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One, if you play your cards right.

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KLAXON AND ALARM BELLS

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I cannot look at you.

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Oh!

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-Dreadful boy! I'm not going to pay any attention to you now.

-I'll put the pencil in.

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APPLAUSE

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I like hitting on him. Terrible(!)

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HE LAUGHS

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Einigkeit und Recht und Freiheit fur das Deutsche Vaterland.

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Danach lasst uns alle streben,

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bruderlich mit Hertz und Hand.

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-I have an erection.

-LAUGHTER

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He hasn't punched me yet,

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but I think Stephen, at some point, will probably...

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Because I like to disappear off into the distance.

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If I could stand on a planet and throw an Ewok

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into a lake of fart that would just be...

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LAUGHTER

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-That would be like... BRIAN COX:

-You couldn't, because it would shatter.

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Even better!

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I could be tossing Ewoks into a lake of fart? Ah.

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Occasionally, he looks at me with that look of,

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"It's all very well, the fact that we're talking about putting monkeys on stilts, but..."

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He kind of goes, "Yes, the answer is..." Blah-de-blah. And it comes back to the thing.

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It is always a wonderful thing

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watching Stephen being terribly polite and affable

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while you're saying something incredibly foolish

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and knowing that he's about to hit you on the head

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with what can only be described as a rather beautiful fact.

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What do you call a left-handed lemon?

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A potato.

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No, but you're thinking along the right lines.

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We're talking about molecules and their arrangement.

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-You mean the opposite to a lemon?

-Yeah.

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-Exactly, the mirror image of its molecular...

-An orange?

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-Is the right answer. There's a lemon, obviously.

-Seven points?

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-Seven points, that's your number.

-Do they make scissors for both?

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Or just...

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Does a lemon...?

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It's along those lines, Johnny, yes.

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The arrangement of the aroma molecules is exactly the same, except a mirror image,

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and the result is as different a smell of a lemon to an orange.

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I think my favourite one is when he talked about

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his tailor at school. That's hilarious, yes.

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My prep school tailors were called Gorringe, funnily enough.

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-Where we got our uniforms made.

-You had a tailor?!

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You had a tailor for a suit you wear when you're five?!

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Were you born in the 1850s?

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You had...

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I shall measure up, young sir!

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You had a particular outfitter,

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who was the school outfitter,

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which was a tailoring shop with school outfits called Gorringes.

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Which side does young sir dress on?

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Nothing you need to worry about!

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You should know that! It's written on the toilet walls!

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Heavens! Why did I even mention that?

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Want to get measured up for shorts?

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Lord!

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Would sir like to wear a cravat on the cross-country run?

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APPLAUSE

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People, I think, do...

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sometimes, erm, think either that I know everything,

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which is obviously preposterous,

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or that I pretend to know everything,

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which I really don't mean to do.

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He's immensely articulate,

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got just enough knowledge to get by.

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He can fool experts in their own field.

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But sometimes he'd get things wrong.

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OK, Stephen...

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Oh, yes?

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Oh, hello...

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-I have been waiting for this opportunity.

-Oh, Christ!

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What do penguins in the Falkland Islands do,

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when RAF jets fly over them?

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BELL RINGS IN STYLE OF UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE BUZZER

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Fry, Cambridge!

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APPLAUSE

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-They look up and topple over, backwards.

-Really?

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KLAXON SOUNDS

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Oh, Fry! You idiot!

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Alan and Stephen represent two different kinds of intelligence.

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They are both highly intelligent people,

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but they think in different ways

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and Stephen is a kind of learned,

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academic, thoughtful, you know, intelligence.

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It's a mixture of the terrible English class thing,

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of me being a sort of officery, Oxbridgy type,

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tall and English, and him being

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a sort of curly headed, slightly more Essex lad.

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Alan's is intuitive. Alan's isn't about knowing information,

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it's about bending information into new shapes.

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This documentary said, eventually the sun

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will explode or implode, or something,

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and everything will be gone.

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-That won't help Mars, will it?

-Including Earth.

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No! On the way out, we have to stop at Mars.

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I thought you meant there was a services there!

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Someone trying to get you to join the RAC in the car park!

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Humans will leave this planet, Stephen, they will.

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The Wise One has spoken, ladies and gentlemen!

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I can't imagine the show would ever work without both of them,

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because they offset each other.

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Because just as Stephen has told Alan...

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The temperature ambit within which

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human sperm can survive, is quite narrow.

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..Alan will say something like, "Yes, Stephen..."

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Do sperms

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feel pain?

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LAUGHTER

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Thing is, nobody knows the answer to that, not the elves,

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not Stephen, not any professor in the world

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and that's what makes it so delicious,

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is that even Stephen, the national treasure,

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doesn't know everything.

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'The funny thing was, he wasn't even first choice for host.

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'The guy I really wanted was Michael Palin.'

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I remember having a very nice lunch,

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in which you pressed the case

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for me to do a new sort of television programme,

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which you described quite, I have to say, quite messianically.

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I just thought, "Perhaps I can't do this.

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"This is a serious thing to do, being a quizmaster,

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"being in control of people."

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I think in the back of my mind I thought,

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"If I'm the quizmaster, I am, once again, the neutral,

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"straight man in the middle. Really, I just wanted to be silly.

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I tried to persuade him for two hours.

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He wasn't going to do it.

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I went back to the office and it was a disaster,

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and I said to the research team,

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"We've screwed this up, it's not going to work."

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I didn't know what to do.

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It took me 24 hours to think,

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"I'll just go and beg Stephen,

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"if he'll sit in as the chairman, just for the pilot."

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It never occurred to me for a minute to be offended by the idea

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that Michael Palin was first choice,

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because I can exactly see that he'd have been brilliant at it, actually.

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I could just see that this was going to be something

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which you couldn't just do,

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because QI has become this enormous brand.

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It's all over the place.

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So I knew I wasn't getting into something that would be

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Wednesday afternoons and then I could go and do a bit more travelling.

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One lesson that ought to be taught at school,

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is to embrace disaster when it happens, because 20 years later,

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what seemed like a disaster at the time, might not seem like one then.

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Much of John Lloyd's planning

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about how QI was going to work, he kept from me,

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and this, I discovered since,

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was a deliberate ploy, because he needed the fall guy,

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he needed an idiot.

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No, no, not white, middle-class people.

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-That's me!

-Not doing that!

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LAUGHTER

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No! No! So embarrassing!

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All the time, now, I realise in his mind's eye,

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there was a huge dunce's cap sitting on my head.

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I think, first time I was on, Alan turned to me and went,

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"I'm glad you're here. Usually, I'm the thick one!"

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I thought that was the best compliment I'd ever had

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and I might use it on my posters for the tour.

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"Jesus! I thought I was thick" - Alan Davies.

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There are 923 English words that have a C-I-E in them.

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-Do we have to name them all?

-No.

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You're let off. But name some.

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-Ceiling!

-No, that's C-E-I!

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LAUGHTER

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-C-E-I, that's what you said!

-No, no!

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If it's I before E except after,

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we're looking for words where E follows C, aren't we?

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No. The rule is

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it should be C-E-I, according to that.

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-But you're saying it's wrong!

-I'm saying there are 923 examples...

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I know one which it isn't. Ceiling. That's not one.

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-Ceiling isn't one!

-No!

-Ceiling isn't one you're looking for!

0:18:060:18:10

Yes! I want ones I am looking for!

0:18:100:18:11

So I'll repeat my answer when I say not ceiling!

0:18:110:18:14

I'm looking for ones I am looking for.

0:18:140:18:16

-Looking for ones you're looking for.

-So give me a C-I-E!

-Ceiling?

0:18:160:18:20

My God, I may explode at any minute.

0:18:200:18:24

Are you incapable of rational thought?

0:18:240:18:27

You cannot be that stupid!

0:18:270:18:29

You cannot be!

0:18:290:18:32

What happened, particularly in early shows,

0:18:320:18:34

was people didn't know what to do, they didn't know

0:18:340:18:37

whether to try and get the answer right,

0:18:370:18:39

they didn't know whether it mattered, they felt it did matter

0:18:390:18:43

because there are cameras and people, and you look stupid.

0:18:430:18:46

So I used to just...

0:18:460:18:48

talk a lot, answer, hit the buzzer and say stuff,

0:18:480:18:51

to keep the ball in the air, really.

0:18:510:18:53

Tell you something about oranges...

0:18:530:18:56

they're not the only fruit!

0:18:560:18:57

They're not the only fruit!

0:18:570:18:59

Alan...he's got such an interesting role in this.

0:18:590:19:03

Because he doesn't appear to know...anything.

0:19:030:19:06

I'm amazed he can function as a human being.

0:19:060:19:10

But he somehow adds value.

0:19:100:19:12

He asks questions that I would be embarrassed to ask.

0:19:120:19:15

If you all of the fish and the whales

0:19:150:19:19

and everything out of the sea,

0:19:190:19:22

how far down does it go?

0:19:220:19:24

Alan plays it exceptionally well,

0:19:240:19:27

but whenever I am on, that's...

0:19:270:19:29

The only real

0:19:290:19:31

sort of, competitive spirit for me is,

0:19:310:19:35

try and out-stupid Alan.

0:19:350:19:38

That's what I aim to do, is steal the crown from him.

0:19:380:19:41

I love the fact that Alan buries his head in his hands

0:19:410:19:44

whenever we come up with Aristotle or Pliny.

0:19:440:19:46

We start with Alan's favourite subject,

0:19:460:19:48

which is the Ancient Greeks!

0:19:480:19:50

Oh...!

0:19:500:19:52

He just finds the classical philosophers

0:19:520:19:56

so annoying, because they're so wrong about everything,

0:19:560:19:59

and yet, of course, they were so right!

0:19:590:20:01

What we call blue, they called something else.

0:20:010:20:04

They didn't call anything blue.

0:20:040:20:06

-They didn't look up, ever?

-No...

0:20:060:20:08

-They didn't have colours?

-No word for blue.

0:20:080:20:10

They had colours, but didn't have a word for blue.

0:20:100:20:13

-No word for blue? What did they say for sky?

-Bronze.

-Bronze?

0:20:130:20:16

Yes, they called it the bronze. Homer called it bronze colour.

0:20:160:20:19

I've got no time for these Greeks!

0:20:190:20:21

-Without them, you wouldn't be here!

-That's so rubbish!

0:20:210:20:24

-You say this every week!

-Because it's true!

0:20:240:20:27

Because without logic, mathematics,

0:20:270:20:29

harmony, democracy,

0:20:290:20:32

-justice...

-That's got nothing to do with people shagging,

0:20:320:20:35

-ending up with me!

-There wouldn't be television,

0:20:350:20:37

and without television, you are nothing.

0:20:370:20:40

I know that better than anybody!

0:20:400:20:43

You know, to watch Alan shake his head in disgust, is just wonderful.

0:20:430:20:47

The moment I say Pliny, I can see his heart sink!

0:20:470:20:50

The alternative cure for incontinence, which is to

0:20:500:20:53

knock back a glass of sweet wine mixed liberally with the ash

0:20:530:20:56

of a burnt pig's penis, then urinating

0:20:560:21:00

in your, or your neighbour's dog's bed!

0:21:000:21:03

None of this is made up!

0:21:030:21:05

The pig would be there going,

0:21:050:21:06

"I'm glad to see you're still pissing!"

0:21:060:21:11

LAUGHTER

0:21:110:21:13

He is, of course, I feel hesitant in revealing this to the world,

0:21:130:21:17

he is highly intelligent!

0:21:170:21:20

-Quite interesting thing?

-Yes, go on!

0:21:200:21:23

-Lady mosquitoes bite you, suck your blood.

-True.

0:21:230:21:25

Male mosquitoes, not quite so dangerous.

0:21:250:21:29

-True.

-Point?

-You've made a point, but you're not going to get one!

0:21:290:21:33

There's another part of him

0:21:330:21:36

that's wonderfully bloody-minded and, as I say,

0:21:360:21:38

he's like a little spaniel puppy constantly running into the mirror!

0:21:380:21:42

What's the world's longest animal?

0:21:420:21:44

BUZZER

0:21:440:21:47

Is that me?

0:21:470:21:49

It'll be the blue whale.

0:21:490:21:51

KLAXON

0:21:510:21:56

I think the time I laughed most on QI,

0:21:560:21:59

was when Julian Clary was on,

0:21:590:22:01

and he started talking about meeting the Queen and doing a pooh!

0:22:010:22:05

I had wind when I met the Queen.

0:22:050:22:08

And did you release it?

0:22:080:22:11

I had to and unfortunately, I shat myself.

0:22:110:22:14

You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen.

0:22:160:22:18

-APPLAUSE

-So?

0:22:180:22:20

Well, she'd...she'd been there herself!

0:22:200:22:24

Had she?

0:22:250:22:27

She just looked, gave me that look and moved swiftly on.

0:22:270:22:30

And I tried to get rid of it by internal squeezing,

0:22:300:22:33

as can be done.

0:22:330:22:35

Are the muscles a little lax down there at the moment?

0:22:350:22:38

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:380:22:41

STEPHEN GROANS

0:22:410:22:43

During the filming, I'm slightly having kittens

0:22:440:22:47

because it's the one part of the process

0:22:470:22:49

which is totally out of control.

0:22:490:22:51

-Graculus is a jackdaw.

-No. Jackdaw is Corvus monedula.

0:22:510:22:56

Yes, that's another word. It's the actual Latin name.

0:22:560:23:00

The Latin name for a jackdaw was graculus.

0:23:000:23:02

OK, let's not fall out over this, Stephen.

0:23:020:23:05

No, no. It's what the...

0:23:050:23:07

-I'm saying real Latin. No, no.

-LAUGHTER

0:23:070:23:10

You might be interested.

0:23:100:23:12

Because Roman people actually called birds things before they...

0:23:120:23:17

LAUGHTER

0:23:170:23:19

-Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

-APPLAUSE

0:23:210:23:23

There's nothing down there.

0:23:230:23:25

Aah! Ugh! Sorry about that. I am so sorry about that.

0:23:280:23:33

That's all right.

0:23:330:23:34

There's a portal into the underworld here, it's ridiculous.

0:23:340:23:38

If it's one of your shows, a show you've written,

0:23:390:23:42

then you're quite tense, really, going into it.

0:23:420:23:44

We have rehearsals and then the main show starts.

0:23:440:23:47

And you're really hoping the material

0:23:470:23:49

will work for the panel,

0:23:490:23:51

that they'll be able to sort of riff off it and come up with jokes.

0:23:510:23:55

Talking of Christianity, Rich, could Jesus walk on custard?

0:23:550:23:59

What? That...

0:23:590:24:01

That sounds like a sarcastic question you would ask Jesus.

0:24:010:24:05

"Oh, water? Eh, great. What about custard?"

0:24:050:24:07

LAUGHTER

0:24:070:24:09

It's not so much a question of, "Could he?"

0:24:090:24:11

-You're saying he did?

-He did, he did.

0:24:110:24:13

It was very hard to stop him, actually.

0:24:130:24:16

This was one - it's come out in research recently -

0:24:160:24:18

this was one of the Lord's favourite pastimes.

0:24:180:24:22

Out with the bread and fish,

0:24:220:24:24

"Look what I've got for desert. Somebody hold my shoes."

0:24:240:24:27

And he'd be, you know, he'd be doing it.

0:24:270:24:30

Welcome, everybody.

0:24:300:24:31

This is the first meeting for the research for the J series of QI.

0:24:310:24:34

From the very beginning,

0:24:340:24:36

I nicknamed the researchers on QI the Elves because I think of them

0:24:360:24:41

as little nibelungen in the Ring Cycle with little pickaxes,

0:24:410:24:45

mining at the mountain of knowledge and coming up with these little

0:24:450:24:49

extraordinary shiny nuggets in little wheelbarrows.

0:24:490:24:51

One of our researchers in the first series actually read

0:24:510:24:54

the entire Albanian English Dictionary

0:24:540:24:57

to get just two QI questions out of.

0:24:570:25:00

If you really want to try and understand things

0:25:000:25:03

and you want to get to the bottom of how things work,

0:25:030:25:06

you have to ask really stupid, simple questions.

0:25:060:25:09

They all come from different backgrounds, different disciplines.

0:25:090:25:12

They are all different ages.

0:25:120:25:14

They just have this one thing in common, an undimmable curiosity.

0:25:140:25:17

We got two balls here, OK?

0:25:170:25:19

You drop one ball here, it bounces down there.

0:25:190:25:22

You drop another ball here, it bounces down there.

0:25:220:25:24

What would happen if I dropped both balls together.

0:25:240:25:27

One will go over there.

0:25:270:25:29

I think you're probably right. I think you're probably right.

0:25:290:25:32

-Wey-hey!

-Giddy aunt!

0:25:320:25:36

I think what makes it work is the combination of taking ideas

0:25:360:25:41

that you're not normally allowed to talk about on television

0:25:410:25:44

because they're considered difficult or esoteric or dull.

0:25:440:25:47

This is where we found that calcium, amazingly, is a metal.

0:25:470:25:52

And it is in fact the commonest metal in the human body.

0:25:520:25:55

A great QI question.

0:25:550:25:57

And giving them to a panel of brilliant comedians and presenters

0:25:570:26:01

in such a way that they can find something you'll remember in it.

0:26:010:26:06

Chelmsford has the largest burns unit in Europe.

0:26:060:26:09

Oddly enough, the MP for Chelmsford West is Simon Burns,

0:26:090:26:14

though because he got a Douglas at university, he is known as?

0:26:140:26:17

-Third degree Burns.

-GROANING AND LAUGHTER

0:26:170:26:19

One of the really good things about QI is it seems

0:26:210:26:26

to have tapped into an absolutely bottomless pit of trivia.

0:26:260:26:31

We come up with ideas and questions

0:26:310:26:34

of just things we find interesting.

0:26:340:26:37

It's like good teaching, really.

0:26:370:26:39

The good teacher you had at school who just finds

0:26:390:26:42

an interesting way about talking about something

0:26:420:26:45

that 1,000 other children will tell you is an incredibly boring subject.

0:26:450:26:48

We don't worry about what people think about the questions,

0:26:480:26:52

we just do what we like and we always think that if we find something interesting,

0:26:520:26:56

everyone else will find it interesting as well.

0:26:560:26:59

The blue whale's tongue is heavier than a whole elephant.

0:26:590:27:02

Just one blue whale tongue is heavier than a whole elephant.

0:27:020:27:05

Their hearts are the average size of a small family van.

0:27:050:27:08

If you want to do a piece on gravel,

0:27:080:27:10

it's up to us to go and find out there is something interesting to say about gravel

0:27:100:27:14

and not say, "You can't do a piece on gravel, that's far too boring."

0:27:140:27:17

You know, whether it is what carpets are made of

0:27:170:27:20

or how fast the Earth spins around or whatever it might be,

0:27:200:27:25

it's grist to our mill.

0:27:250:27:28

Women have been shown to be able to smell fear.

0:27:280:27:33

What this Viennese man did, he was called Grammar,

0:27:330:27:35

he made a lot of women watch films, some of which were horror films.

0:27:350:27:39

All of the women had pads under their arms.

0:27:390:27:42

Then, other women smelt all of the pads

0:27:420:27:44

and they could identify without fail

0:27:440:27:47

the pads of women who had been frightened.

0:27:470:27:49

Are you sure this isn't just some soft porn film?

0:27:490:27:53

The QI Elves, they are either the best or the worst pub quiz team in the world,

0:27:530:27:58

cos we all know really strange bits of information, often complementary.

0:27:580:28:03

We know lots of stuff but we don't really know things.

0:28:030:28:07

For example, erm,

0:28:070:28:09

the capital of Honduras.

0:28:090:28:11

Ask me what's the capital of Honduras.

0:28:110:28:13

What's the capital of Honduras?

0:28:130:28:15

Tegucigalpa. Actually, I got lucky with that one.

0:28:150:28:18

Generally speaking, we're not good at that kind of thing.

0:28:180:28:21

It's like the X-Men. Each one has their special superpower.

0:28:210:28:24

I do animal genitalia.

0:28:240:28:26

There's an interesting thing, their genitalia.

0:28:260:28:29

LAUGHTER

0:28:290:28:31

Give me the length of a blue whale's penis.

0:28:310:28:33

A Nissan Micra.

0:28:330:28:35

Give me the length of the blue whale's penis!

0:28:350:28:38

-LAUGHTER

-Give it to me now.

0:28:380:28:40

APPLAUSE

0:28:400:28:42

To be honest, I don't think I could manage quite that much, Stephen.

0:28:440:28:47

-You've disappointed a man.

-About that long.

0:28:470:28:50

An arm's length.

0:28:500:28:53

Oh, my dear fellow.

0:28:530:28:55

-It's 16 foot long. 16 foot long.

-LAUGHTER

0:28:550:29:00

If the QI Elves remind me of any group of people,

0:29:000:29:02

think of something like Bletchley Park where they cracked the Enigma code.

0:29:020:29:06

You know, you have a strange mixture of chess players

0:29:060:29:10

and pipe-smoking mathematicians

0:29:100:29:12

and crossword puzzle-solving figures

0:29:120:29:14

all coming together and bringing their expertise

0:29:140:29:17

and their sideways views of the world

0:29:170:29:21

and their eternal curiosity.

0:29:210:29:24

So we have a meeting where we go through this huge basket of questions

0:29:240:29:28

that we've put together and they are graded from one to five.

0:29:280:29:31

One is straight into the show. Brilliant question, good subject.

0:29:310:29:34

Two is a good subject but probably needs a bit of work on the question

0:29:340:29:38

to give the panel something interesting and funny to do with it.

0:29:380:29:42

Three is sort of not sure.

0:29:420:29:44

Four probably should be a five but we're being polite

0:29:440:29:47

and five is known as the bucket of despair.

0:29:470:29:50

The Government waste thing,

0:29:500:29:52

they wrote an article in 1906 about the fat boy of Peckham,

0:29:520:29:55

John Trunley,

0:29:550:29:57

who was built a special 200 yards of railway

0:29:570:30:01

by the council because he was too unfit to walk to school.

0:30:010:30:05

-That's excellent.

-Possibly the first ever wastage.

0:30:050:30:08

Once we've done that and scored the questions,

0:30:080:30:11

you then have to look through them

0:30:110:30:13

and find if there are themes in them you can pick out.

0:30:130:30:16

If you can find a theme, you can start picking out questions

0:30:160:30:20

and see what order you might run them in in the show

0:30:200:30:23

so not only would it make a good show when it's cut

0:30:230:30:26

but as we shoot in front of a live audience for two hours,

0:30:260:30:29

it will actually be lively and exciting show that goes out as live.

0:30:290:30:34

My favourite part of the process by far

0:30:340:30:37

is where I usually sit in the Sound Gallery to watch the show.

0:30:370:30:40

The audience is in, hundreds and hundreds of people

0:30:400:30:44

all so excited. Some of them faint they're so excited when they arrive in the studio.

0:30:440:30:48

We have the longest waiting list for tickets for QI outside Top Gear,

0:30:480:30:52

so people are very excited.

0:30:520:30:54

And so am I, on every show. Even though we have made over 130 now.

0:30:540:30:58

-Who is your favourite panellist?

-Sandi Toksvig.

-She's on tonight.

0:30:580:31:02

Oh, wow! Really? Seriously? Oh, wow! That is fantastic.

0:31:020:31:08

When that music starts and the applause goes and Stephen says,

0:31:080:31:13

"Good evening, good evening, good evening."

0:31:130:31:16

I think it's brilliant, it is so exciting.

0:31:160:31:18

Go-o-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

0:31:180:31:22

good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.

0:31:220:31:25

I get to my dressing room usually by about three o'clock,

0:31:260:31:30

having stopped by at the office where the Elves and production staff are

0:31:300:31:33

and picked up the cards and the script, such as it is,

0:31:330:31:38

and a highlighter pen.

0:31:380:31:40

Then I go down. We do a rehearsal with stand-ins for the guests.

0:31:400:31:45

There are video slides in the background and audio queues

0:31:450:31:48

and sometimes props, so cameras have to rehearse for that

0:31:480:31:51

so that the thing will flow on the evening itself.

0:31:510:31:54

-Checking your earpiece.

-Yes, you're coming through loud and clear.

0:31:540:31:58

There's a little man who comes in my... Who speaks in my ear.

0:31:580:32:01

-LAUGHTER

-Oh! Oh! Now! Oh!

0:32:010:32:04

He's telling me that we are ready to go.

0:32:040:32:07

It's easy to forget when you watch the show, cut, on TV at half-an-hour,

0:32:070:32:10

that they've sat on the stage for two hours

0:32:100:32:12

in front of a live audience.

0:32:120:32:14

Let's inject some testosterone into the room, shall we?

0:32:140:32:18

Actually, let's not. Let's instead introduce Alan Davies.

0:32:180:32:21

It's incredibly difficult territory for even these great stand-up comedians,

0:32:270:32:31

because you're not asking them to do jokes about the normal things that you might.

0:32:310:32:36

It's not, "My mother-in-law".

0:32:360:32:37

You're asking them to do jokes

0:32:370:32:39

on bilateral gynandromorphic hermaphroditism,

0:32:390:32:42

which it's not easy to think up something

0:32:420:32:44

on the spur of the moment that's funny about that.

0:32:440:32:47

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

0:32:470:32:50

-Chicken.

-No!

0:32:500:32:51

-KLAXON SOUNDS

-The egg?

0:32:510:32:54

The egg is the right answer, yes.

0:32:540:32:56

There's that wonderful joke about the chicken and egg

0:32:560:32:59

have made love and are lying there, having a post-coital cigarette.

0:32:590:33:03

The chicken says to the egg, "That answers that old question."

0:33:030:33:07

It's almost never the case that the question plays out on the night

0:33:100:33:15

the way we planned it in the writing room.

0:33:150:33:18

The only one, actually, we can remember that we've identified

0:33:180:33:22

that went the way we thought it would was the fantastic question

0:33:220:33:25

about why edible tortoises took so long to find a scientific name.

0:33:250:33:31

Were they particularly litigious?

0:33:310:33:33

"Give me a name and I will sue you."

0:33:330:33:36

It wasn't that. A nice thought, again.

0:33:360:33:38

They had another property, which was unfortunate for them.

0:33:380:33:41

-The tortoises did?

-Yeah.

0:33:410:33:44

-They were edible?

-They were so edible.

0:33:440:33:48

Anyone who saw one couldn't stop to think of a name for it.

0:33:480:33:52

They just had to eat it straight away.

0:33:520:33:55

It's one of those... I don't know what they are called.

0:33:550:33:58

Just get one, they are really bloody good.

0:33:580:34:01

There's no, there's no Latin name for the pistachio nut, either.

0:34:010:34:05

Exactly the same way. No-one could be bothered.

0:34:050:34:07

"Shut up with your Latin. Eat them, they're brilliant!"

0:34:070:34:10

I'm afraid that's what happened.

0:34:100:34:11

-There's no Latin name for Maltesers.

-LAUGHTER

0:34:110:34:15

It's kind of true. None of them made it to London.

0:34:190:34:23

None of them made it to Europe.

0:34:230:34:25

"Now, this time, this time,

0:34:250:34:27

"we're going to take it and we are going to study it."

0:34:270:34:30

Leave it. No. We are taking it back.

0:34:300:34:33

When the ferry gets to Dover, there's a bloke going like this,

0:34:330:34:38

leaving the door where the tortoise is kept.

0:34:380:34:42

When the show's going out, obviously,

0:34:480:34:50

there's not a great deal you can do.

0:34:500:34:52

We sit in a...there's a little box behind the gallery

0:34:520:34:55

where Flash the producer is and the director.

0:34:550:34:58

If anything comes up during the show

0:34:580:35:00

where one of the panellists queries one of our facts

0:35:000:35:03

or comes up with an assertion of their own

0:35:030:35:06

that we're not sure is right or wrong...

0:35:060:35:09

..Then we will, you know, immediately run to check it out,

0:35:090:35:13

erm, before they stop talking about it, basically. That's the dream.

0:35:130:35:17

I know something about statues of military personnel.

0:35:170:35:22

-Yes?

-On horseback.

0:35:220:35:24

If they're up on their hind legs, that means they died in battle,

0:35:240:35:29

if they've got one leg up,

0:35:290:35:31

that means they died on service but not in a battle.

0:35:310:35:34

If they've got all four down, it means they died after, years later.

0:35:340:35:39

Is that really true?

0:35:390:35:41

If that's true, I shall have the little QI Elves...

0:35:410:35:43

They're flashing me now. "This is an urban myth and not true."

0:35:430:35:46

LAUGHTER

0:35:460:35:48

They're very quick. APPLAUSE

0:35:480:35:51

The best players of the game are the ones who basically

0:35:520:35:56

don't take any notice of the question

0:35:560:35:58

and say what the hell they want to.

0:35:580:36:00

The socks that man in the middle is wearing are very long,

0:36:000:36:03

and just out of interest for you,

0:36:030:36:06

that's something I've turned to recently.

0:36:060:36:09

-I now favour the longer sock.

-Do you?

0:36:090:36:12

Can you take me through your reasoning?

0:36:120:36:14

I can. I'll show you. The gentleman's sock.

0:36:140:36:16

The half-hose. It is called the half-hose.

0:36:160:36:19

Now, Jo. You, as a lady, are going to think this sock stops a lot sooner than it does.

0:36:190:36:25

So watch, watch this.

0:36:250:36:26

Look at that. Surely, surely we've reached the peak.

0:36:260:36:29

-Oh, my goodness me.

-Surely we've peaked.

0:36:290:36:31

-Oh, my word!

-Surely! Surely!

0:36:310:36:33

He's wearing tights! Ah!

0:36:330:36:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:360:36:37

Can I say, not so much to Jo but to Stephen, Alan and Sean,

0:36:400:36:44

I urge you to give it a go.

0:36:440:36:48

Because it gives you a feeling of security.

0:36:480:36:51

They do make you look like a knob head.

0:36:510:36:55

Many times it has got completely out of control and, you know,

0:36:580:37:01

it is uncomfortable for me at the time but the truth is,

0:37:010:37:04

it has resulted in some great television

0:37:040:37:07

and you've got to think of the scene

0:37:070:37:09

where they're talking about the Parthenon.

0:37:090:37:12

Where everybody started to sing, led by Bill Bailey and Jimmy Carr.

0:37:120:37:17

That, you can't really script that.

0:37:170:37:19

They say, of the Ac-, Ac-, Acropolis, where the Parthenon is...

0:37:190:37:23

STEPHEN BABBLES

0:37:230:37:25

They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is...

0:37:250:37:29

They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is... Th-, the-ey...

0:37:290:37:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:37:320:37:35

So he kept stumbling on it. He never fluffs. He hates fluffing, Stephen.

0:37:370:37:40

# They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is

0:37:400:37:43

# They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is

0:37:430:37:46

# They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is

0:37:460:37:50

# They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is. #

0:37:500:37:52

And, of course, I became fully aware of it

0:37:520:37:54

and the more aware of it I became, the more impossible it became.

0:37:540:37:57

Can I write it down? Read it.

0:37:570:38:01

-It says it there.

-LAUGHTER

0:38:010:38:05

You've got to tell us now!

0:38:050:38:06

They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is...

0:38:060:38:10

..that there are no straight lines.

0:38:110:38:14

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:140:38:16

I've been broadcasting for very nearly 35 years now

0:38:190:38:24

and I can say that QI is the most fun show,

0:38:240:38:28

the nicest show that I've ever had to produce.

0:38:280:38:31

My favourite part is definitely the edit.

0:38:310:38:34

Because the thing is, we take all the components and make something of it.

0:38:340:38:37

It's in there somewhere and it's a question of finding it,

0:38:370:38:40

like a sculptor with a big bit of rock and somewhere inside is a statue of David.

0:38:400:38:45

The shows are usually slightly different from what comes through the door from the studio.

0:38:450:38:50

Getting it down to 44 is slightly painful.

0:38:500:38:53

44 down to 29 is very painful because you've cut a show that you like.

0:38:530:38:59

You've cut a show that's got bits you're most interested in,

0:38:590:39:02

bits that make you laugh the most.

0:39:020:39:04

The balance of questions is there before it comes to the edit.

0:39:040:39:09

What we're actually doing is enhancing what was there.

0:39:090:39:12

If there's a pause in recording where they have to think before they answer,

0:39:120:39:17

they um and ah, and part of what we do in the edit is to make it look slick.

0:39:170:39:21

Have a look at this.

0:39:210:39:23

What? What? What? Hmmm. Mmmye-e-e.

0:39:230:39:26

A-hey! Guss-ah getcha-ka pow!

0:39:260:39:29

Arr-arr-rum. Um.

0:39:290:39:30

STEPHEN PURRS

0:39:300:39:32

INTAKE OF BREATH

0:39:320:39:35

Um. Um. Ne-ne-ne-ne-ne.

0:39:350:39:36

Eh, moving on.

0:39:360:39:39

I think the QI core audience isn't a core audience.

0:39:390:39:43

That's its great success, is that it is genuine,

0:39:430:39:46

across the board, anyone who is interested in stuff.

0:39:460:39:50

I think that since QI started, it has broadened its audience

0:39:500:39:56

and a lot of people that I wouldn't presume would watch QI love it,

0:39:560:40:01

watch it, enjoy it and have assimilated lots of facts

0:40:010:40:05

and knowledge but have had a really good laugh at the same time.

0:40:050:40:09

It's old-fashioned kind of BBC entertainment for everybody.

0:40:090:40:14

We get lots of teenagers watching

0:40:140:40:18

and I think school children, in particular, like the show

0:40:180:40:21

because it's a very, very badly-behaved classroom.

0:40:210:40:24

The main thing I like about QI is the witty humour.

0:40:240:40:27

Like, whenever I watch it, I learn something new.

0:40:290:40:32

I like the fact that they have loads of facts.

0:40:320:40:35

Because mainly, it's about the facts for me.

0:40:350:40:38

For resuscitation, they used to blow smoke up your bum.

0:40:390:40:43

I think there's something about QI which is more fun than school,

0:40:460:40:50

or it is school as it should be.

0:40:500:40:52

To make school more like QI, the teachers could use interesting facts

0:40:520:40:58

which will make you laugh and remember things

0:40:580:41:01

and just things that are more than textbooks, reading, writing.

0:41:010:41:06

Interactive stuff, just like this place here,

0:41:060:41:09

where you learn things at the same time as having fun.

0:41:090:41:12

And we muck about in class.

0:41:120:41:14

If we're given work to do, an exercise to do,

0:41:140:41:18

we do them wrongly on purpose

0:41:180:41:19

and occasionally break the equipment.

0:41:190:41:21

I want to saw something, now.

0:41:210:41:24

I just, I just want to say...

0:41:240:41:26

LAUGHTER

0:41:260:41:27

These have been lent to us by the garden museum.

0:41:290:41:32

-It works! It works!

-It really does!

0:41:320:41:34

-Oh, my God!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:340:41:37

Hope it doesn't break.

0:41:390:41:41

I tell you what...

0:41:410:41:43

I really wish they hadn't made this set out of asbestos now.

0:41:470:41:51

We've had some great props. Some of them, I'm not allowed to touch.

0:41:520:41:55

I remember we had a rifle that you could shoot around corners

0:41:550:41:58

and I went to grab it and Stephen nearly kicked me.

0:41:580:42:01

Don't touch it. They did ask that nobody else touch it.

0:42:010:42:04

It's very valuable, I'm afraid.

0:42:040:42:06

I was going to make it go over the desk.

0:42:060:42:08

I'm sorry.

0:42:080:42:10

I can't believe I'm not allowed to play with that.

0:42:100:42:11

I'm afraid I was given specific, "Alan not to touch", instructions.

0:42:110:42:14

It's very valuable.

0:42:150:42:17

I love the fact that somewhere, there's a memo that just says,

0:42:170:42:21

"Machine gun, for Stephen Fry's use only."

0:42:210:42:25

But some of them, I am allowed to touch

0:42:250:42:27

and then we can have great fun.

0:42:270:42:29

I've always enjoyed... After a while, they gave me a desk

0:42:290:42:33

and I would find things in there.

0:42:330:42:35

Alan, I believe you've got something inside your desk.

0:42:350:42:37

-Have I?

-Yes, have you not looked?

0:42:370:42:40

-There. So, what is that?

-It's a loofah.

0:42:400:42:46

-And where do loofahs come from?

-The bathroom.

0:42:460:42:48

It's getting a bit harder to find especially general ignorance questions,

0:42:500:42:54

because there are only so many common misconceptions

0:42:540:42:57

that people have or there are only so many things

0:42:570:42:59

that people know that then turn out to be wrong.

0:42:590:43:02

Is the thing in James Bond about sumo wrestlers

0:43:020:43:05

being able to retract them? That's true, I think.

0:43:050:43:08

It's true that it's not true, we read it.

0:43:080:43:10

The other one, in fact, nobody liked this

0:43:100:43:12

but it's in one of them, I think Goldfinger,

0:43:120:43:14

is they shoot a bullet inside an aeroplane

0:43:140:43:16

and Goldfinger gets sucked out through the...

0:43:160:43:19

That's untrue as well.

0:43:190:43:21

As regards to the rest of the show, there doesn't seem to be much sign we're running out.

0:43:210:43:25

If anything, there's an alarming amount more to know

0:43:250:43:29

than there was when we started the show.

0:43:290:43:31

The idea of doing each series about a different letter of the alphabet

0:43:310:43:34

started in a very strange way, which is we had made the pilot

0:43:340:43:38

and saw a publisher about doing a book from it.

0:43:380:43:40

The Book Of A.

0:43:400:43:43

Although we've since done 10 QI books which have been translated into 32 languages,

0:43:430:43:47

they didn't want an encyclopaedia of things beginning with A,

0:43:470:43:50

they wanted something more random, like the pilot.

0:43:500:43:53

So I said, what if the television series was all about A

0:43:530:43:57

and then we could do a Book of A and a Book of B.

0:43:570:44:00

They said, "That is a good idea. We would definitely do that."

0:44:000:44:03

So I went back to the office and said,

0:44:030:44:05

we're going to do 12 programmes all about the letter A.

0:44:050:44:09

We laughed the whole afternoon.

0:44:090:44:11

We thought this was impossible, it couldn't be done.

0:44:110:44:14

The publisher never bought the idea after all.

0:44:140:44:17

It's a very cunning system to base a programme on a letter of the alphabet.

0:44:170:44:21

It does, you know, suggest there will be an end after 26 series

0:44:210:44:26

but 26 series is pretty good for most programmes,

0:44:260:44:30

so what a very, very clever idea.

0:44:300:44:32

The plan to start each series with a letter of the alphabet

0:44:320:44:36

was planted quite early on,

0:44:360:44:38

but that means that I will be 62 when it finishes!

0:44:380:44:43

It was an extraordinary act of hubris on John Lloyd's part

0:44:430:44:49

that the very first series should be around things beginning with A

0:44:490:44:52

because it suggested he had the confidence it would last through the alphabet.

0:44:520:44:56

I hope that even if I'm in my wheelchair

0:44:560:44:59

by the time it gets to Z,

0:44:590:45:01

that somebody will still be carrying the flag for it.

0:45:010:45:04

QI at its best is what television is about.

0:45:040:45:08

When I watch the show, if I'm not on it, I'll watch it,

0:45:080:45:11

and you find it is just time spent in good company.

0:45:110:45:15

-They really are like little people's arms.

-LAUGHTER

0:45:150:45:19

-They are.

-That is a person. That's the Pope.

-LAUGHTER

0:45:190:45:23

-Oh, I see. The one on the right?

-You're right. His front paws...

0:45:230:45:27

-They are like little hands.

-That's what the Pope is thinking.

0:45:270:45:31

He's going, "He's got little hands".

0:45:310:45:34

"Are you ready to order?", and he is going, "Shall I have beaver?"

0:45:340:45:38

I find when I come on this show that Stephen starts talking about

0:45:390:45:43

something and you think,

0:45:430:45:45

I know an awful lot about this, which I didn't think I did.

0:45:450:45:49

That's one of the fascinating things about a head, is what lives in it.

0:45:490:45:54

I've often wondered, why could you not,

0:45:540:45:57

if it's only 62 miles to what people call space,

0:45:570:46:00

why can't you just build a ladder?

0:46:000:46:02

It can't be beyond the wit of man to build a ladder

0:46:020:46:06

-and you could walk up it and save a lot of bother.

-Yes.

0:46:060:46:09

-An oxygen pack necessary, but, yes.

-Maybe a lift?

-A lift would be good.

0:46:090:46:15

Once you get up there, there is nothing really there.

0:46:150:46:18

It's a bit like Norfolk. LAUGHTER

0:46:180:46:20

Now...you just be careful!

0:46:200:46:23

We, generally, as people, as humans,

0:46:240:46:28

retain far more information than we're aware of on a daily basis.

0:46:280:46:33

What this programme does is actually, by a series of randomly opening doors and switching on and off of synapses,

0:46:330:46:41

unlocks all this information that, hitherto, you probably didn't even know you knew.

0:46:410:46:46

You're learning while you're watching it.

0:46:460:46:49

It's another one of them creative shows where unwittingly...

0:46:490:46:53

My dad will wake up in his sleep screaming Pythagoras' theorem thanks to you.

0:46:530:46:59

And now my mother is sleeping in a separate room.

0:46:590:47:02

I have odd facts lodged in my head

0:47:020:47:04

as a result of doing the Unbelievable Truth and QI.

0:47:040:47:07

I can't always remember...like a badly put together Wikipedia page,

0:47:070:47:12

I haven't really got enough citations for the information in my head.

0:47:120:47:16

All the stuff I've been taught... well, not taught, I've listened to, I've talked about, I can't remember.

0:47:160:47:23

I mean, Alan, there's a couple of things about moons he knows.

0:47:230:47:26

How many moons does the Earth have?

0:47:260:47:29

-CHICKEN BUZZER

-Yes?

0:47:290:47:32

The Earth has one moon which is made of cheese.

0:47:320:47:35

KLAXON

0:47:350:47:37

LAUGHTER

0:47:390:47:41

APPLAUSE

0:47:410:47:43

-I'm afraid you lose ten.

-But it does have one moon.

-No.

0:47:440:47:48

-It's called THE moon.

-LAUGHTER

0:47:480:47:52

One of them.

0:47:520:47:54

-I rest my case!

-APPLAUSE

0:47:540:47:57

I haven't learned anything. I don't remember any of it.

0:47:570:48:00

It's amazing stuff.

0:48:000:48:02

It's instantly forgettable because it's beyond trivia.

0:48:020:48:06

If you're going on Have I Got News For You, you can make sure you've read the papers

0:48:060:48:12

because all sorts of small stories will come up,

0:48:120:48:15

but if you have read at least eight pages into the Telegraph every day, that will help you.

0:48:150:48:21

But on QI, you have to wish you had been listening more your whole life.

0:48:210:48:26

I'm 40, so I've done 40 years of preparation.

0:48:260:48:29

That's how you have got to look at this show.

0:48:290:48:32

You've done as much preparation as you have life, because anything might come up.

0:48:320:48:37

It's cricket to the full contact football that is Mock The Week.

0:48:370:48:42

It's very relaxed, sitting in the sun and it's a meandering conversation.

0:48:420:48:46

It's a warm, supportive atmosphere

0:48:460:48:48

and there's not a sense there's a right or wrong answer

0:48:480:48:52

or people looking to interject and crush.

0:48:520:48:54

It's just a beautiful petri dish on which fabulous comedic mould can grow.

0:48:540:48:59

The best panellists are self-starting.

0:48:590:49:02

The ones who are not worried about what the questions are, who they're sitting next to,

0:49:020:49:07

whether Stephen's being rude to them or not, which he sometimes is.

0:49:070:49:10

I didn't know how much I didn't know until I came on this show.

0:49:100:49:14

I'm afraid to catch a bus now.

0:49:140:49:16

Mock the Week, I love doing, because that's my group.

0:49:160:49:20

We all grew up together.

0:49:200:49:22

This feels like walking into the staffroom,

0:49:220:49:25

so it's a little bit intimidating. You're a bit too keen to impress.

0:49:250:49:28

If he thinks something's stupid, he will say so.

0:49:280:49:31

-If it was '55, it was Elvis Presley.

-Erm, wider.

-Rock 'n' roll!

0:49:310:49:37

-Rock 'n' roll is the right answer.

-Don't look so stupid now, do I?

-LAUGHTER

0:49:370:49:42

Not quite so stupid, Rob, no, but all things are relative.

0:49:420:49:47

LAUGHTER

0:49:470:49:49

It's the intellectual equivalent of not having the right change...ever.

0:49:490:49:54

The first time I came on, nobody knew who I was and I felt like, I'm being competent.

0:49:540:50:00

But I definitely had that feeling that when I'd been quiet for a while,

0:50:000:50:04

everyone would be worrying for me because they thought,

0:50:040:50:06

this is some makeweight they've got on because somebody good cancelled.

0:50:060:50:10

If all the panellists were like David Mitchell, it would be like all four soap boxes.

0:50:100:50:16

As Stephen calls it, "Your angry logic, David".

0:50:160:50:19

Samuel Pepys famously buried his Parmesan cheese to protect it from the Great Fire

0:50:190:50:25

but why does cheese taste better when it's grated?

0:50:250:50:28

Sometimes it does, but if you get one of those catering bags of grated cheese,

0:50:280:50:33

if you should be working for a catering company

0:50:330:50:36

and happened to steal one, for example.

0:50:360:50:39

What sort of twit would do that? LAUGHTER

0:50:390:50:43

You buy cheese at the supermarket and it says, "Consume within two days of opening".

0:50:430:50:49

A vast amount...how much cheese do you think I'm going to get through?

0:50:490:50:53

Why? It's fine. We know it's fine!

0:50:530:50:56

Plus it has a label on it saying, "20 years aged".

0:50:560:50:59

Exactly!

0:50:590:51:01

And two days before it's completely inedible, you sell it to me!

0:51:010:51:05

LAUGHTER

0:51:050:51:07

My particular delight as a new guest was Dan Radcliffe,

0:51:070:51:10

who I resisted for years, thinking, "Harry Potter guy? No", and he was fantastic on the show.

0:51:100:51:16

-The wizardly Daniel Radcliffe.

-APPLAUSE

0:51:160:51:20

He took to it like a duck to water.

0:51:200:51:22

He knew lots of stuff, he was so nice, he was such a lark.

0:51:220:51:26

-What's the oldest trick in the book?

-Is it an ancient Greek book?

0:51:260:51:31

-Even older.

-Egyptian?

-Egyptian is the right answer.

0:51:310:51:34

-I think I might...

-You might know this?

0:51:340:51:37

-Is it a man called Dedi?

-How do you know about Dedi?

0:51:370:51:41

He was a man who did the first magic trick

0:51:410:51:44

-which was, I think, a decapitation of a goose.

-You're right.

0:51:440:51:49

And tore it off and did it to impress the king.

0:51:490:51:52

-And it's in an ancient scroll.

-It is!

0:51:520:51:55

Which I do know the name of... I think.

0:51:550:51:57

-Go on.

-The Westcar Papyrus?

-The Westcar Papyrus. This man is brilliant.

0:51:570:52:02

APPLAUSE

0:52:020:52:04

QI guests are unusual people - they have a strange mix of being imaginative and very nice

0:52:040:52:11

so I think you see a difference between many other panel games.

0:52:110:52:15

It's a pleasant experience to watch, QI, and it's a pleasant experience to be on.

0:52:150:52:20

And I'm very pleasant as well. I'm extremely pleasant.

0:52:210:52:25

Did you know a veal has to have more space to be transported to the abattoir

0:52:250:52:31

than a human being in the back of an aeroplane?

0:52:310:52:34

-To be fair, we have a holiday, they get killed.

-LAUGHTER

0:52:340:52:37

You could be coming back. Have we got a vegetablist?

0:52:370:52:41

-I'm a veggie.

-You're a vegetablist?

-I wouldn't eat a veal, I would free it.

0:52:430:52:48

I had a puffin last week.

0:52:480:52:50

That's not delicious but the point of eating it was because I'd never had one before.

0:52:500:52:56

-I had the same with guinea pig.

-Have you tried one of my turds?

-LAUGHTER

0:52:560:53:00

Did you just say what I thought you said?

0:53:020:53:05

Get out. Out now.

0:53:050:53:08

The signature aspect of QI is the forfeit.

0:53:080:53:12

There are things you think you know and I ask a question

0:53:120:53:17

and everybody thinks they know the answer and they'll not want to say it.

0:53:170:53:20

-What do you suffer from if you're afraid of heights?

-Vertigo.

0:53:200:53:25

KLAXON

0:53:250:53:28

How many senses do you have?

0:53:280:53:30

MUSICAL BUZZER

0:53:300:53:33

I sense a buzzer coming.

0:53:330:53:36

-Five.

-KLAXON

0:53:360:53:38

Six, seven, eight, nine, four, three, two, one.

0:53:380:53:42

How old are you?

0:53:420:53:44

It shows the effect of this game, though.

0:53:440:53:47

Ask a question all four of us think, that is something I definitely know,

0:53:470:53:52

but I've been made so uncertain, I'm not even willing to give my own age, name or address.

0:53:520:53:57

How can this possibly be a trap? I am 37. 37.

0:53:570:54:02

-There we go, no points lost.

-KLAXON

0:54:020:54:06

-LAUGHTER

-But that's not wrong!

0:54:060:54:12

I realised around series four that I was the fall guy. The penny dropped.

0:54:120:54:17

I decided I was not going to press the button any more and say the stupid things.

0:54:170:54:22

I was a bit foldy-army about it

0:54:220:54:24

and John Lloyd took me to one side and he told me that it was a sign of great intelligence

0:54:240:54:29

to get things wrong and come last.

0:54:290:54:31

Finally proving that it's all academic and a dream, with -27, Alan Davies.

0:54:310:54:37

The scoring system, we get asked about this a fair bit,

0:54:370:54:41

and it's a proprietary algorithm and I can't talk to you about it.

0:54:410:54:46

I'm not responsible for the scoring system on QI.

0:54:460:54:49

That is entirely the responsibility of Colin, who is a very close friend

0:54:490:54:54

and I trust implicitly that his mathematics,

0:54:540:54:57

though it does occasionally look wrong, is right.

0:54:570:55:01

The questions that we've got wrong which are really obvious

0:55:010:55:05

and usually admit our mistakes.

0:55:050:55:09

We even go back and, in future shows,

0:55:090:55:12

we might give people their points back.

0:55:120:55:15

Or take them off them.

0:55:150:55:16

I answered a question about an obscure scientific fact called the triple point of water,

0:55:160:55:23

which is the temperature at which water can exist in all three states.

0:55:230:55:27

I said zero was the temperature and I got extra points for this.

0:55:270:55:32

Zero is the triple point of water.

0:55:320:55:34

It's the first temperature at which water can exist in all three states

0:55:340:55:37

because you can have water vapour which is at zero as well.

0:55:370:55:40

Very good. You must have some points for that and this round of applause.

0:55:400:55:44

APPLAUSE

0:55:440:55:47

A year later I come back and I'm told they have received a e-mail

0:55:470:55:51

which points out that the actual temperature is 0.01,

0:55:510:55:55

so I was one hundredth of a degree off.

0:55:550:55:58

Points were docked from a show I did a year later.

0:55:580:56:02

It's zero.

0:56:020:56:03

KLAXON

0:56:030:56:05

You see, we never forget.

0:56:050:56:08

That's what you said last time and we gave you points for it.

0:56:080:56:12

We're now going to take those points away from a previous series.

0:56:120:56:17

That's the forfeit, because some of our eagle-eyed viewers wrote in to point out

0:56:170:56:22

that the triple point of water is actually 0.01 degrees centigrade.

0:56:220:56:27

-That's 12 points off.

-But I was rounding off.

0:56:270:56:31

That is arcane and nerdy and picky and pedantic in a delightful way.

0:56:310:56:39

I felt aggrieved at the time but I knew it was the right thing to do.

0:56:390:56:44

I had to take my punishment.

0:56:440:56:46

Occasionally, QI is re-run,

0:56:460:56:49

now and then,

0:56:490:56:51

once in a couple of blue moons.

0:56:510:56:54

My kids watch QI endlessly on repeat, so they're quite big fans of it.

0:56:540:57:00

It's one of the few things I've done that they actually like,

0:57:000:57:04

which is not a good thing, but I'm letting you know that.

0:57:040:57:07

It's a very rare evening that I don't see that QI's on somewhere.

0:57:070:57:11

It's on permanently.

0:57:110:57:14

It's only interrupted by a stupid motoring show

0:57:140:57:17

but other than that, I can say I will watch QI and you always can.

0:57:170:57:21

You can watch the same one three or four times

0:57:210:57:24

and there's always something fresh that you missed the first and second time.

0:57:240:57:28

The show is successful because it differentiates itself

0:57:280:57:32

from other comedy panel shows because it's not just about comedy. You're learning things.

0:57:320:57:37

QI is, no-one expects you to know the answers, whether you know or not, it's irrelevant,

0:57:370:57:42

but you enjoy each other's company and you have a nice conversation.

0:57:420:57:46

It's like a parlour game without rules. Lovely.

0:57:460:57:48

It's very much like being at a dinner party.

0:57:480:57:51

Being invited to a dinner party at Stephen Fry's house.

0:57:510:57:54

Who are the other guests going to be? This is exciting.

0:57:540:57:57

For the people at school, education-wise, who fell through the cracks, this is our X Factor.

0:57:570:58:03

Everyone, from the runners to the lighting director, all really like making the show.

0:58:030:58:10

It's fantastic fun to do and it feels worthwhile.

0:58:100:58:14

QI isn't really about making successful television,

0:58:140:58:19

it's about something far more important - having interesting lives.

0:58:190:58:23

We have to be careful that we don't get smug,

0:58:230:58:26

don't relax too much and think, we know how to do this. You've got to keep moving.

0:58:260:58:31

This is a show that could go on for a century or more.

0:58:310:58:35

There's no end to the quite interesting things there are in the world.

0:58:360:58:41

Good night.

0:58:410:58:43

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:59:010:59:04

E-mail [email protected]

0:59:040:59:06

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