All About TWO

MUSIC: "It Takes Two" by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston

# One can have a dream, baby

# Two can make that dream so real

# One can talk about being in love

# Two can say how it really feels

# One can wish upon a star

# Two can make that wish come true, yeah

# One can stand alone in the dark

# Two can make the light shine through

# It takes two, baby

# It takes two, baby

# Me and you... #

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to All About Two,

a celebration of 50 years of BBC Two.

From its opening night in April 1964, the channel has,

for the last five decades, launched careers,

captured extraordinary moments, created broadcasting history

and baked a lot of cake.

I'm Dara O Briain, and tonight

we'll be playing the ultimate, if not the only, quiz about BBC Two.

Answering questions about it are six panellists.

Led by team captain Brian Cox, we have Hairy Biker Dave Myers

and from the Kumars, it's Meera Syal.

APPLAUSE

And led by team captain Hugh Dennis,

The Choir's Gareth Malone, and from Dragons' Den, Deborah Meaden.

APPLAUSE

And as if that wasn't enough, we're joined by the human encyclopaedia

himself from Pointless, the nearly omniscient Mr Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE

-Richard, thank you for joining us.

-Pleasure.

-To have actually properly

boned up on this, how much would you have had to have viewed?

Well, there's been over 280,000 hours of BBC Two output.

I've watched every single bit of it,

apart from, I missed one episode of Flog It!

And I had to go to the loo during Michael Portillo's Great Railway Journeys

but apart from that, I've seen everything.

Fabulous. We will go to you as our source of information at all times.

We've met our guests. Let's set the scene and remind ourselves

of some of the highlights from the channel's past 50 years.

Good evening. This is BBC Two.

MUSIC: "Praise You" by Fatboy Slim

# We've come a long, long way together

# Through the hard times and the good

# I have to celebrate you, baby

# I have to praise you like I should. #

Don't move, and tell all your friends to turn onto BBC Two.

-Let's look around.

-There is so much here for us to see.

I think we have to look back retrospectively.

Welcome to Match Of The Day,

the first of a weekly series coming to you every Saturday on BBC Two.

Let's rock.

# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies, more mince pies... #

I need a slight drink.

And now more sherry.

A bit like rose-water and witch hazel.

THEY LAUGH

What's so funny?

What's it like fighting a campaign you know you're going to lose?

THEY SHUDDER

This is a local shop for local people!

Because ultimately we are part of the universe.

That's magic!

Walkies!

Duck!

It's full of fat, juicy maggots.

Tap, tap, tap.

-He was completely wild.

-Wild? I was absolutely livid.

And it's very, very rare that there is any violence.

We interrupt this programme to tell you that this is an official BBC interruption.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yes. The one thing we can guarantee,

there will be montages as the show goes on.

Here's how the quiz works, however.

In each round, we have a board of pictures.

There is a BBC Two related game behind each one of them

and some of them even feature the odd mystery guest.

Our first board is themed around ground-breakers,

the trailblazing shows, pioneering people and all-round daft moments

that no other channel saw fit to try first.

To get started, let's have a look at the channel's very first broadcast.

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Well, good evening, and as I said a few minutes ago,

only, I understand, nobody could hear me, welcome to BBC Two

from where it all began here in Studio A in Alexandra Palace.

Now, it's the newsroom of channel two,

and tonight, of all nights, there has been a loss of electric power

at our main studios, the Television Centre in West London.

APPLAUSE

Yes, that's the awkward thing about this particular anniversary.

That was BBC Two's very first broadcast on 20th April 1964,

when the entire schedule for the opening night had to be abandoned

due to a power cut. What did people miss, Richard?

What they were going to have, there was supposed to be

-a Cole Porter musical, which doesn't sound too bad.

-No.

-There was going to be fireworks live from Southend Pier.

-Glamorous.

Sounds slightly less good.

And a performance from the Soviet Union's leading comedian, apparently.

LAUGHTER

And then at 10pm,

-there was a three-year-old repeat of Mock The Week.

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah, been around for a while.

So even though the channel's first night didn't go to plan,

BBC Two has achieved plenty of other successful firsts since then.

On the board are nine pictures in the channel's Hall of Fame

and some of them are answers to questions in this first round,

so, both teams, fingers on buzzers if you can, please.

Here is our first question.

Which one of these stars appeared

in the first full programme to be broadcast...?

BUZZER

Am I allowed to do it before you've asked the question?

You are, of course,

because I'm not going to say anything other than "on BBC Two"

cos that would be a weird and sudden change of direction.

-Who was the first star?

-I think I agree with you on this.

I think it's Humpty.

You think it's Humpty?

Is that what his name was? Is that Humpty Dumpty?

You can't in a quiz go, "Is that what his name was?"

Well, I don't know what the rules are.

No, I think he was on Play School, if it's a him.

I'm referring to him as a him. He's actually made of cloth.

The answer is, of course, Humpty. Congratulations,

thank you very much, Hugh Dennis, you got that right.

APPLAUSE

After power was restored the day after the failed launch,

Play School became the first full programme to be shown on BBC Two,

-and making their first appearance in some time...

-No!

-Genuinely, this is Humpty!

-Aww!

APPLAUSE

Jemima!

Now, I have to be very careful here.

How amazing!

And the next, who have to be presented in order...

Big Ted!

-And, of course...

-Little Ted!

Now, I'll leave it with yourselves while you're getting all doey-eyed,

I've never seen a stuffed toy destroy an audience quite as much.

"Aww! Look at Humpty!" I could push him off the edge.

I could push him off the edge if you want.

Introduce a note of tension into this if you want.

-She was my first crush.

-Really?

-Who are we missing?

-Humpty.

No, that's Humpty there.

-Hamble.

-Oh, Hamble, yes.

We're missing two, actually. But this may be a generational thing.

We're missing Hamble. That's Hamble there,

who, let's face it,

always looked freaky and possessed,

like a devil or something out of a horror movie.

She was later replaced by Poppy.

-That's Poppy there.

-I remember Poppy.

Neither of Poppy or Hamble are here

because they're both currently appearing in landfill.

LAUGHTER

What?

OK, this...

You know what these are genuinely worth?

There's an insurance docket for this.

-These are incredibly expensive.

-Really?

-Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, God, the ink!

I'm going to put them down.

Yes, it was, Play School was the very first show.

We can actually see this. This is quite a controversial clip.

This is a clip of the original dolls in action.

Big Ted had it.

There's a letter in the...

Big Ted, sit up.

Now Little Ted's fallen over. My goodness.

There's a letter in the story today.

I'm an artist! How am I expected to work with these amateurs?

For God's sake!

APPLAUSE

That's presenter Fred Harris. That was never broadcast, by the way.

Imagine the trauma. The actual hideous trauma.

How long did Play School run for?

24 years, Play School ran, yeah.

Also the Play School clock

once famously caused industrial action at the BBC.

There was an argument as to whether it was a prop or special effects

and those were controlled by two completely different unions.

It went on for about three weeks.

Douglas Adams had written an episode of Doctor Who.

Never saw the light of day because of this strike.

Fawlty Towers was postponed.

Big Ted crossed the picket line, Little Ted didn't.

-Even to this day, there's problems between them.

-Yeah.

You can still see the scabs.

AUDIENCE GROANS

What?

Please, fingers back on buzzers.

Which one of these stars created a world first after a phone call

to the UK Rocketry Association?

BELL

Brian's team.

Is that Heinz Wolff up there?

It is Professor Heinz Wolff.

So would you go for Professor Heinz Wolff?

I will believe anything you say, Brian.

LAUGHTER

Well...

APPLAUSE

We're going to go with Sir Heinz Wolff.

You're going to go Professor Heinz Wolff,

which is incorrect, but thank you for taking your time to tell us.

-HUGH DENNIS:

-I think it's probably Clarkson, was it? Do you think?

-And then he'll have fired something from somewhere.

-Yeah.

That's absolutely right. Well done, Hugh Dennis, and your team.

APPLAUSE

I thought it was Heinz Wolff.

It was Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson.

The show attached rockets to a Mini as they attempted to become

the first people to send a car off a ski jump. Very important work.

And you thought your work on the Large Hadron Collider was important.

No, it turns out. Let see how they got on.

Armed.

Five, four, three,

two, one. Initiate.

THEY LAUGH

Wall's going to be needed!

THEY LAUGH

APPLAUSE

So, Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear rather than Professor Heinz Wolff

of The Great Egg Race, one of the classic shows.

While we're on Top Gear, looking at that board again, Hugh,

tell me which person on that board

was the show's first ever presenter.

-BRIAN COX:

-I really want to say Peter Cook.

Was it Heinz Wolff? It must have been Heinz Wolff.

You're going for Heinz Wolff again.

You're going to have to get off this Heinz Wolff thing.

Let it go, man. Let it go.

It wasn't Heinz Wolff.

-Angela Rippon.

-You're going to go for Angela Rippon.

-You're right again! This is ridiculous.

-No way!

Well done, Hugh Dennis. Angela Rippon, yes.

APPLAUSE

It was Angela Rippon who launched the first episode back in 1977.

Here she is.

Good evening, and welcome, once again, to Top Gear.

Now, this is the latest car from Jaguar. It's the Phase Three 5.3

and Noel Edmonds is going to be giving it a road test

a little later in tonight's programme.

But we're not going to watch that.

APPLAUSE

Kate Humble would have been a good guess as well.

Kate Humble also presented Top Gear in the early 2000s.

It's a huge success for the BBC, Top Gear.

It's shown in over 170 countries worldwide.

It gets 350 million viewers per week.

It's made over £100 million for the BBC.

It's made over £75 million for the stonewashed denim industry.

It's an extraordinary phenomenon.

OK, fingers back on buzzers again.

Who now hosts a show that only attracted 20,000 viewers

on its first ever episode

when it was launched on BBC Two?

BELL

Brian again.

Kate Humble?

Not Kate Humble, no.

BUZZER

-It's going to be Heinz Wolff.

-Was it Heinz Wolff?

LAUGHTER

Neither Humble nor Wolff.

Why don't we say Match Of The Day

wasn't watched by very many people when it was first broadcast?

You're absolutely right. They get a point for that. Very good.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it is Gary Lineker.

Match Of The Day actually started life 50 years ago on BBC Two

and we can have a look at the first ever game.

COMMENTATOR: The scorer, Hunt,

Liverpool inside right.

And a black cat is running on the far side. There it is!

A black cat.

Now, I know it's a cat,

I wonder which side it supports. Arsenal or Liverpool.

APPLAUSE

"I know it's a cat!"

I just so, so wanted someone to volley it into the net.

I've often wondered, what were the chances that the first time

you put cameras into a football stadium,

you capture a match for the first time,

and the first ever YouTube clip of a funny cat doing an adorable thing.

Only 20,000 viewers, though.

Yes, there were more people in the stadium than watched on TV.

40,000 people in the stadium, 20,000 viewers.

They only commissioned it in the first place

because the World Cup was starting a couple of years later

and they used it to train cameramen up. That was the only reason

they put it on. And the cameraman there did a cracking job on the cat.

He did a very good job. OK, at the end of that round,

Brian's team, I'm going to give you two points.

Hugh's team have three points.

APPLAUSE

Time for more fantastic first innovations from BBC Two.

Let's have our next game.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Later.

Hello. Welcome to this week's Whistle Test.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet our distinguished guest, Duke Ellington.

The first ever British television performance,

I'm delighted to say, of these next artists.

Our next artists are brand-new.

Making her TV debut, Adele.

Now, you may remember the tartan kilts and scarves

-of their last appearance...

-Hi, Bob.

-Hi, Ray. How are you doing?

APPLAUSE

50 years of ground-breaking musical moments on BBC Two.

For our next game, from The Old Grey Whistle Test,

please welcome to the studio Whispering Bob Harris.

APPLAUSE

-Good to have you here.

-Thank you.

Bob, do the...

Let's just enjoy this. Do the Hall of Fame for me.

Who made their first TV appearances on BBC Two?

People like Bonnie Raitt, The Eagles, Jackson Browne,

bands like Family, Wishbone Ash, the great UK bands of the early '70s...

-Bob Marley? Bob Marley made his first appearance?

-Bob Marley,

Curtis Mayfield...

Bob Marley in particular was a fantastic day, it really was.

That was his first ever UK television appearance, so, yeah.

And what, by the way, for younger viewers,

I obviously know the answer to this, but for those who don't,

what does it mean - the old grey whistle test?

It's a sort of shortening of a process that used to take place

around what they used to call the songwriting factories.

You'd get songwriters working there, basically on a nine-to-five day,

people like Carole King and Neil Sedaka.

These buildings were serviced by, you know, the guy who ran the lift,

the receptionist, the cleaners, all these people used to have...

they were given the nickname the "old greys".

So at the end of the week,

all the likely songs were played to the old greys

and the ones they remembered passed the old grey whistle test.

-That's...

-That was it. There we are, that was it.

APPLAUSE

And the other thing about it, one of the great things about the show was,

to start with, if you can believe it, it was open-ended

because it was the final programme on BBC Two that evening, right,

and so if we wanted to extend for 15 or 20 minutes any week, we could.

-What a luxury that was.

-That was beautiful.

And at what point, then, did people phone in and vote bands off?

LAUGHTER

And spun the chair around and hit the... Yeah.

OK. As our tribute,

Bob is going to be whistling some classic BBC Two theme tunes.

That seems like an appalling tribute

but thank you for taking part anyway.

Hugh's team, this game is only for yourselves,

so you can just relax and enjoy it.

We want you to identify the theme tune.

You're not on your own, though, of course, Bob.

-I've got The Whistlettes.

-You do.

He's got some old grey whistlers,

some truly great blasts from BBC Two's past.

Please welcome kids' TV hero Johnny Ball...

APPLAUSE

..from Ground Force, Tommy Walsh...

..you know him as Joe from The Royle Family, it's Peter Martin...

..and the man not quite single-handedly responsible,

but nonetheless there for the most watched moment in BBC Two's history,

18.5 million people watched him

win the World Snooker Championship in 1985, it's Dennis Taylor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Five men for whom we have a great deal of affection,

who've achieved many things and now we're going to get them to whistle.

OK, let's have the first tune, please.

SERIES OF STACCATO NOTES

BUZZER Ski Sunday?

It was Ski Sunday. Let's hear it properly.

THEME MUSIC FROM SKI SUNDAY PLAYS

Does that give it away?

One of you looks like you're churning butter.

OK, very, very good. Is this nerve-racking, by the way, lads?

Dennis, of all the moments you've had on BBC Two?

This is worse than playing Steve Davis.

OK, let's have a second tune please.

VARIETY OF NOTES WHISTLED HALTINGLY

VARIETY OF NOTES AND RHYTHMS

BUZZER

-Hugh, please.

-I don't think even they know what...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm also quietly beginning to suspect two of them can't whistle.

There is at least two of them going, "Ooo-ooo!"

BUZZER

-What is it?

-I think it's by Howard Goodall, it's Red Dwarf.

You're absolutely right. Well done.

For the one or two of you who might not have recognised it from this,

why don't we hear just how Red Dwarf normally sounds?

RED DWARF THEME MUSIC

Why are they in the transporter room of the Enterprise?

When their music is already transporting us!

LAUGHTER

One final tune, please, gentlemen.

SOLO WHISTLING

LONG, SLOW NOTES

OTHERS JOIN IN

BUZZER

-Hugh?

-Can we get a dog to come in...?

This is difficult, I have to say.

It's more the theme for a strand of shows

rather than an individual show.

Ah, OK, so it's going to be like Arena.

Yes, very good. You're absolutely right.

That was, unbelievably, BBC Two's flagship arts series Arena.

Here, please, bask in what I think is the most mournful and depressing

theme tune in 50 years of BBC theme tunes. Here it is.

You try whistling it!

THEME TUNE FROM ARENA

HE WHISTLES ALONG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Where will you ever hear that piece of music from another room

and go, "Arena!" And go running in to have a look.

It's the most mournful thing in the world.

I've actually got one extra question for Gareth, if I might.

I want to show you a clip from the 1974 show Face The Music.

See if you can answer this question.

I think everybody is familiar with this infernal machine

where you, the panel, just have to guess what I'm playing

from the look and the clatter.

PIANO KEYS RATTLE, NO MUSIC

-Gareth?

-That was a real...? That's real?

-That's real, yes.

Whatever it is, it's going to be easier than the whistling.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, come on! Come on!

-Are you giving it a go?

-Yeah.

-If you get the composer, I will give you...

-Bach?

-If you get the composer... Just keep doing that.

-Schnittke?

-Schnittke?! You're making things up now, aren't you?

Was it Schutz or Scheidt or Schein?

-You're nearly there.

-Schutz, Scheidt or Schein -

three well-known German composers.

-Schu... Schu...

-Schubert, perhaps?

You're saying Schubert? OK, let's have a look and see if it was.

Yes, it's the Schubert Impromptus E Flat Opus 90 Number 2, or D899.

That brings us to the end of the programme. Time is up.

Thank you very much. Hugh's team, I'm proud to give you three points.

-That was very, very good.

-APPLAUSE

But mainly, ladies and gentlemen...

..I believe deserving a huge hand for whistling Bob Harris's band,

Johnny Ball, Tommy Walsh, Peter Martin and Dennis Taylor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, time for our next round.

Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you...

-A-ha.

-# Take it now or leave it... #

-A-ha!

-# Now is all we get... #

-A-ha!

-Hello, camp David. EFFEMINATELY:

-Well, hello, Alan.

You used this pay channel.

Oh, right, yeah. It's very confusing.

# Knowing me, knowing you

-BOTH: # A-ha.

-#

Smell my cheese, you mother!

The legendary Alan Partridge there.

Now, Alan famously pitched plenty of videos for new shows,

but every now and then, BBC Two managed to outdo him

by launching even more unlikely television programmes.

I'm going to give Brian's team some titles and all you have to do

is tell me if they were Partridge pitches or genuine shows on BBC Two.

Joining us to help me from Knowing Me Knowing You, I'm Alan Partridge,

The Day Today and The Thick Of It, it's BBC Two's Rebecca Front.

APPLAUSE

Lovely to have you with us.

Rebecca, you have appeared with so many

and in so many fantastic comedy shows.

For the early Partridges, you played how many different characters?

-I think six. I was in every episode.

-Were you in the radio show before?

-I was.

-So there's all those as well.

-Yes, quite a range.

You were quite a foil to Alan Partridge for a long time.

Yes, I suppose I was. It was huge fun.

A lot of wigs and teeth and make-up to prop me up and get me through.

This round is about terrible television ideas.

As a performer who relies on the trust you have with broadcasters,

I wouldn't ask you ever to reveal which terrible television ideas

you have ever been approached to do.

So those kind of shows, those kind of horrendous shows,

some of which Partridge made a speciality in pitching,

I want you to pitch here. Our first show title, please.

OK, pro-celebrity clay pigeon shooting

with Ian Botham and Suzi Quatro.

Is it a genuine show on BBC Two or a Partridge pitch?

-I think that sounds genuine.

-I think it would be genuine.

Suzi Quatro bothers me slightly. Not in general.

-You could see Ian Botham...

-A kind of weird admission to have.

It's competitive, so you'd watch it.

There is an element of jeopardy, which they love.

Jeopardy? In what sense? What could possibly go wrong?

Well, Ian Botham could shoot Suzi Quatro.

They fire Suzi Quatro out of a trebuchet and...

So what do we think, do we think that's real?

-It sounds horribly familiar from Partridge.

-What do we think?

-I think that's real.

-I think it's real.

-Is it real?

-It's real.

It was a BBC Two show from 1987. Let us enjoy this. Please, bask in this.

First Ian Botham. He picks a trap.

Anything he gets in that trap, he scores. 3, 7, or 11.

Pull!

7 scored.

Good shooting by Ian.

APPLAUSE

It was called Starshot.

Imagine how much better Splash! would be if people had a shotgun.

OK, let's have a second one, please.

OK, Bonington. A mountaineering drama starring Brian Blessed.

You see, I think that's real.

Because I know Brian Blessed and I know that he climbed Everest

without oxygen and almost got to the top.

And he tells a story of how somebody had a medical emergency above him.

I think they were French. And he was like...

-AS BRIAN BLESSED:

-"The bastard!

"I'm on my way to the summit! I had to carry..."

So I think...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's so many Brian Blessed mountaineering stories

and none of them can be told on BBC Two. You probably know many.

Doesn't he have a freakishly high level of oxygen in his blood?

Yes, he does. He also once punched a polar bear in the face.

That's an actual true story.

I bet the polar bear never did it again, whatever it was.

That was a lesson learned for that polar bear.

That's how he got banned from London Zoo.

I'm going to say it anyway. I remember him telling me,

"Never camp below the French. They shit on you from a great height."

-Basically.

-You think it's real?

-So, anyway, it should be real.

He is a mountaineer, he knows Chris Bonington very well,

I'm sure that's real.

-Is it real?

-It's not real.

Why not?!

Apparently, it was a deleted scene

from the first series of I'm Alan Partridge.

-Another one, please.

-OK.

Millennium Barn Dance hosted by Jet from Gladiators.

If that's real, it would have been on BBC Two.

Therefore BBC Two should be closed down.

What do you think? It cannot...

Didn't Partridge have a thing for Jet from Gladiators?

-That was his fancy, wasn't it?

-Millennium Barn Dance?

Hosted by Jet! Surely not.

How could we have missed it?

I'm making the move to Channel 4 if that's real.

-You think Partridge?

-It has to be. Otherwise I'm...

-You're gone?

-Yes.

-Is it Partridge or real?

-You can stay. It's Partridge.

Try another one.

Mainly For Men, featuring sharks, cars and lovely ladies.

-Partridge or real BBC Two?

-That's the whole Channel 5, isn't it?

-Who would present that?

-Jeremy Clarkson?

I worry... I think that could be real.

I think I've got more faith in BBC Two

as the fine institution it is, really.

What are you going to go?

-I think Partridge.

-OK.

I think that might be real. What do you think? Casting vote.

I go Partridge.

-Was it Partridge or was it real?

-That was real.

GASPS OF SURPRISE

Now I'M leaving BBC Two.

Yes, a genuine BBC Two programme,

a 1969 pilot that somehow never made it to air.

But we do have a section of it now.

We join it in the middle of a musical number.

# I want to find a man

# Who'll take me as I am

# I've got to find a man

# Who loves me as I am. #

And very nice too. It's the only way to do the dusting,

I can tell you that. Now then, these days,

we're finding ourselves with much more leisure time on our hands.

What to do with it all? Well, there are lots of things we can do.

One thing is the increasingly popular sport of shark fishing.

LAUGHTER

They had a little section on polar bear punching straight after that.

And just for the treat,

let's remind ourselves of Alan's favourite pitching scene.

This is from I'm Alan Partridge in 1997.

Cooking In Prison.

-A Partridge Amongst The Pigeons.

-What's that?

-It's just a title.

Opening sequence -

me in Trafalgar Square feeding the pigeons and going, "Oh, God!"

No, I'm sorry, no, stop.

Youth Hostelling With Chris Eubank.

No.

Monkey Tennis?

That is the end of Partridge Or Programme.

Before we go back to the board for our next game,

let's have a huge round of applause for Rebecca Front.

Joining me next, the man many call the architect of BBC Two,

was controller of the channel from 1965 to 1968.

He set the tone for the fledgling network

before bringing the natural world to its screens.

Let's have a look at him in action.

MUSIC: "Circle of Life" from The Lion King

This little creature is a lizard.

SQUEAKING

A bat detector.

Sweet potatoes. Sweet potatoes.

Those are howler monkeys up there.

-Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sir David Attenborough.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Now then...

Before we get started on the round itself,

explain to us who these people are.

-This is something to do with your history on the channel.

-Ah!

The only animals from which you recoil violently...

I regret to say that this is Hullabaloo and this is Custard.

This ghastly pair were BBC Two's first mascot, emblems,

publicity things.

Why? Why two kangaroos?

The network was 11 months old at the time and I said,

"If I'm to take it over, Hullabaloo

"and Custard can go right over there

"and never be seen again." I got rid of them.

-You got rid of the corporately created mascots.

-I did.

Good for you, well done. Yes, brilliant

-You spent...three, four years as channel controller.

-Four.

Four years channel controller,

essentially, creating a nascent network.

You were the controller of a brand-new network

and you could prescribe the vision.

Exactly. It was a joy, a dream.

Marvellous. Suddenly to be given this whole network

and we decided that what we would do would be to do programmes that

no other network in this country, or indeed anywhere else, had ever done.

So that you would know that, if you turned it on, there it was,

it was a very different programme.

That applied to sport, it applied to documentaries,

it applied to drama, everything.

Everything was completely new.

Sir David has kindly allowed us to turn some key moments of his life

into a short game that both of you can play.

We'll be showing a small section of a photograph,

it will be fingers on buzzers

to identify what creature from the natural world we are looking at.

Buzz in as soon as you think you know what animal this is.

BELL

Brian's team.

-Was it a gorilla?

-It is, of course, a gorilla.

APPLAUSE

-A mountain gorilla?

-Yes.

-From...

-From what country?

-Rwanda.

Now, this is a sequence you filmed in 1979,

possibly the most famous moment in natural history programming.

Let's have another look at it.

The gorilla family spends its day gently grazing

and there's plenty of time for play.

Sometimes, they even allow others to join in.

-APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

-Wonderful!

If this doesn't sound ridiculous,

it made us appreciate the animals more because, to a certain extent,

we saw the humanity, the shared traits

between ourselves and the great apes.

Was it frightening, by the way?

-Was there any danger?

-I wasn't intending to get that close.

-Why would I?

-One thing led to another.

-She was just a friend.

-Oh, stop.

I had to explain a technical thing about thumb and forefingers

and evolution and the gorillas were supposed to be a long way away,

about ten yards away. And there was a group ten yards away.

I crawled up towards them and turned to speak to camera,

and while I was actually speaking to camera,

thinking that the gorillas were behind me,

I felt a huge weight on my head. And it was...

I turned round

and it was this female gorilla had her hand on top of my head.

And she put her finger in my mouth and looked inside my mouth.

And I just sort of lay back there...

and then two baby gorillas came and sat on my feet.

And it was just bliss.

It was really kind of paradise. Just amazing.

What amazes me is the shot is so steady

given the cameraman is backing away.

But did the Rwandan government try to stop you taking the tapes out?

Yes, they did. They, er, when we eventually came down,

we were going back in the track of a lorry

and I heard what you hear in Western movies, you know...

WHANG! All that sort of thing. And it's a bullet!

And I thought, "That's funny! What's going on there?"

-LAUGHTER

-And when we came round the corner,

there was a roadblock and we were held up and strip-searched

and one thing and another, because they were thinking that

we were spreading revolutionary ideas or something.

And you eventually smuggled the footage out?

The cameraman, Martin Saunders, had the wit, while we were held up,

to change labels on the cans of the film, cos it was film in those days,

and he put "unused" labels on the actual film

-and "used" labels on film that we hadn't exposed...

-Wow.

..and when the military men said, "We're impounding the film,"

-he gave them this film which was actually unexposed.

-Wow.

-So there, so we got it through.

-Astonishing! Jeez.

APPLAUSE

David, what is the situation like now in Rwanda

-for those mountain gorillas?

-As a result of that,

we set up a few charities, um, and set up an organisation

to train mountain gorillas to habituate,

so that people could come and see them

and so now they're a major element in the economy of Rwanda

and there are more mountain gorillas now alive in Rwanda

-than there were when we were there.

-Amazing.

APPLAUSE

OK, teams, one more question. Fingers on buzzers.

Tell me what creature we're looking at this time.

LAUGHTER

BUZZER

I think that was Hugh Dennis' team in first.

It seems like, um, like Homo sapiens?

I'm going to have to narrow it down more than that, I'm afraid.

-It might be Sir David Attenborough.

-You're absolutely right.

Let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Yes!

It IS Sir David himself.

Let's have a look at this moment from the show Tribal Eye.

'But a stranger might only go into this house of memories

'if he showed proper reverence to the ancient gods

'and discarded his alien Western clothes

'and, like everybody else in the settlement,

'wore only custom clothes.'

APPLAUSE

That is the Makaruka tribe, I believe?

-Yes.

-Makaruka tribe, who are famous for their love

of playing practical jokes on unsuspecting visitors...

LAUGHTER

..like suddenly deciding they have to be stripped naked.

-Their demand was... Not just you, of course?

-No, all of us. All of us.

Cameraman, everybody.

-That's the crew there?

-They were a revolutionary group

who wanted to discard everything that was European,

-including your clothes.

-Yes.

-They made an exception for the camera,

but that was all.

And I can tell you, bark cloth...

DARA LAUGHS

They dripped... They put it in seawater to start with

and then, they wrap it round you, and that's cold,

but it shrinks.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

-Ooh, yes!

-Anyway, there you are.

-The things you do for the corporation.

-Yes!

You've suffered for your art there.

APPLAUSE

It's been an astonishing career

that you've had with the BBC for the last 50 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sir David Attenborough.

-CHEERING

-Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Before we get to the end of this section, I want to show you one more

clip which is a clip of the very first news broadcasts on BBC Two.

Genuinely interesting to watch, firstly for the news that's on it,

but secondly, for how they present the news, which is very different

to the way we do it today. Take a look at this.

Well, among other things, it's been the naming day

for the Queen's fourth baby, Prince Edward Antony Richard Louis.

No special significance, I suppose, but the initials E-A-R-L spell earl.

-STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-In South Africa,

the African nationalist leader, Nelson Mandela,

has admitted in open court to planning sabotage against apartheid.

The Church of Scotland is recommended to stand firm

against commercial sport on Sunday. A committee report is not against

taking exercise on Sunday, but it does recommend

serious thought and reading as proper activities for that day.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Well, that is all for the moment. I think.

Anything else?

-HUGE LAUGHTER

-That's all we have for the moment.

But we will be keeping in touch.

APPLAUSE

Well, that is the end of our ground-breakers round here

on All About Two. I can tell you that, in second place at the moment,

it's Brian's team with six points.

In the lead, it's Hugh's team with seven points.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

For the second part of All About Two,

we move to the Channel's roster of stars

and the one-off cameos we'd forgotten we'd even remembered.

This round is all about faces.

Good evening, I'm Michael Moore, and this is TV Nation.

Good evening and welcome, at last, to Newsnight.

BOTH: We're the hairy bikers!

So we're all set to enjoy ourselves tonight.

We hope you'll join us and enjoy yourselves too.

# You're like my best friend with extras

# Sure I might've been testing you, mister

# I want more, I'm at your door

# And you're broke You hate it when I smoke

# So maybe you're not wealthy but you keep me healthy

# Say no more

# I'm all yours

# And you put that rich boy in his place... #

I ain't happy with any explanations from the three of you!

# So take one step closer to me

# And do you feel my heart skips over the beat?

# You're dancing too And I'm not hiding

# You can find me singing on the roof... #

Ready, steady...cook!

# It's all about you... #

It's out of this world.

She only cooks things with plums in,

so she can look at the camera and go...

-SULTRY VOICE:

-Plums!

-LAUGHTER

Dieting makes you fat.

Whenever there is stink, there is illness.

-I just want to go... Agh!

-LAUGHTER

# Singing it's all about you... #

What makes us human?

# Because it's all about you... #

I'm out.

# So join me on the road... #

So this is a personal memoir.

# It's all about you

# Because it's all about you. #

APPLAUSE

Let's have our faces board, please.

Once again, we have a board of pictures

and there's a game behind each one. Let's have a look at the first one.

That was The Fast Show. As a tribute to the seminal '90s sketch show,

we've cut together a whole host of comedy characters

from a range of BBC Two shows into a mini Fast Show.

Hugh's team, this round is for you.

Watch closely, because afterwards, you will be against the clock

to name as many of the characters - not the actors, but the characters -

from this montage as you possibly can.

-Sort of like The Generation Game?

-In many ways, yes.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, yes.

-Haven't got pen and paper.

-No, you have to keep it in your head.

-OK, that's fine.

We could give you a digital camera to take photographs then scan them.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-I'll just give you the list, if you want(!)

-That's great!

-Much easier!

So we want you to name as many of these comedy characters as you can.

Not the actors, just the characters.

Obviously, you'll try this at home, so let's have a look at the montage.

This week, I have been mostly eating taramasalata.

This is my shiny thing!

One pair's enough for her ears,

but what about her theres and her everywheres?

The only label she wears is "drip dry".

You're my wife now!

-Come on, then, give us a smile! That's it!

-Agh!

"Do not lean out of the window."

You've just told a little porky pie, haven't you?

..teaching ravens to fly underwater.

-Why don't you let me map read?

-No, they've got to learn!

Government policy is nothing to do with common sense.

HACKING AND COUGHING

GLASS SMASHES

Charlie tells me you're an actress.

Wild? I was absolutely livid!

This calls for a cup of my delicious home-made coffee!

If you can't lick 'em, join 'em!

Quite phenomenal!

-GARETH: Smashie and Nicey.

-OK, grand.

So, against the clock now, but who did you recognise there?

-OK, Smashie and Nicey.

-Very good.

-Mrs Overall.

-Tim Nice But Dim.

-Um, Pauline Calf.

-Yes.

-Er...

-Patsy.

-BOTH: Patsy!

-Patsy.

-Er... I can't remember...

-what the...

-The guy, "Today, I will mostly be wearing..."

-Yeah, thingy?

-Mr "I will mostly be wearing taramasalata..."

-No!

-There was him.

-Um...

-I can't remember...

-The guy from Red Dwarf, what was his name?

-Oh, the Cat!

-From Red Dwarf.

-Cat.

-Arkwright from, er, Open All Hours.

-Yes.

Er...

Oh, er, the two, um...

OK, ten more seconds.

Um... Oh, what are they called?

Comedy characters(!)

LAUGHTER

All of them. I can't remember any.

You see, we should've had a bit of pen and paper.

KLAXON

OK, that was relatively poor.

In order, we'll see how well you did on that one.

The character from The Fast Show played by Mark Williams is Jesse.

-Ah!

-OK, yes.

-Jesse's Diets.

-Red Dwarf's the Cat, played by Danny John Jules.

-We got that.

-Albert E Arkwright, played by Ronnie Barker, Open All Hours.

-Yeah.

Joanna Lumley as Patsy in Absolutely Fabulous. You got that.

Papa Lazarou from the League Of Gentlemen, which you did not get...

-We didn't get.

-..played by Reece Shearsmith.

-Prunella Scales as Sybil Fawlty.

-OK. We can't remember seeing that.

Vyvyan Basterd, played by Ade Edmondson in The Young Ones.

-Steve Coogan as Pauline Calf.

-We got that.

-You got that.

-Peter Cook as Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling!

-Oh!

No, it was Arthur Greeb-Streebling.

No, it was Arthur Streeb-Greebling, but you can keep telling me that.

LAUGHTER

Simon Day was the Competitive Dad in The Fast Show.

-Sir Humphrey Appleby.

-Yeah.

-Tim from The Office, played by Martin Freeman.

-Oh, yes!

The Fast Show's Bob Fleming, played by Charlie Higson.

-Harry Enfield's Tim Nice But Dim.

-Got that!

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Name of the gorilla?

-Er...

-Gerald the gorilla.

-And Julie Walters as...

-Mrs Overall.

-Mrs Overall.

James Bolam played what character?

-He played Terry Collier.

-He did indeed play Terry Collier.

You should've said that the first time(!)

-LAUGHTER

-And...

-Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse as...

-ALL: Smashie and Nicey!

-I think we did quite well.

-You got seven out of a possible 18.

LAUGHTER

To be fair, I think that's an A at GCSE.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'll give you a chance to get one bonus point.

In the picture of Tim from The Office, that's Tim Canterbury,

if we take a look at that for a minute.

Who is that in the background?

Can you tell me? Who's playing the caretaker?

Someone connected with the show.

-With THIS show?

-No.

-Not with this show.

Well, he's connected with that show, cos he's in it!

LAUGHTER

That's Stephen Merchant's father.

-Yes, it is!

-Is the correct answer.

-DEBORAH:

-Well done!

-APPLAUSE

-Did you know that?

Or was that a good guess?

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

A bonus point for that. Well done. Two points for Hugh's team there.

CHEERING

OK, let's take a look at our next game.

Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Brian's team, as a tribute to the show,

you'll play our very own version of the Buzzcocks identity parade.

This time, however, everyone in this line-up is

a significant figure from BBC Two's past

and it's up to you and your team to identify which one is which.

Now, this is your line-up of BBC Two faces.

In no particular order,

it consists of the first female winner of One Man And His Dog,

the incorrectly titled One Man And His Dog!

LAUGHTER

Lord Sugar's personal assistant from the first series of The Apprentice.

-Laa-Laa from the Teletubbies.

-LAUGHTER

The first woman to referee a World Snooker Championship Final.

And, from Twin Peaks, the Log Lady.

So which one is which?

Well, I'm dreading accusing someone of being a Teletubby.

LAUGHTER

It's a very technical job, being a Teletubby.

-They would have to be quite small.

-And physical.

-Would they not?

Laa-Laa wasn't the little one. That was Po!

LAUGHTER

I'm pretty sure. Can I just jump and say I recognise lovely lady Number 5

-as Log Lady from Twin Peaks.

-Do you think? Wow!

How much of a Twin Peaks fan were you?

And I'm going to go for Number 1 for the Teletubby.

And I apologise profusely if that's incorrect.

-I agree. It's Number 1.

-It's not that you look like a Teletubby.

You look athletic enough to play a Teletubby,

-because there's lots of dancing involved.

-Yeah!

-I met the Teletubbies once in Singapore.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, and they are very physical and fit.

-In or out of costume?

-Both!

-But I...

-LAUGHTER

This just seems like one of those Singapore stories, Dave,

-that should never be heard.

-LAUGHTER

-You know?!

-It's actually...

-"The merchant navy pulls in.

"I've got two days on shore. I don't know what happened,

"but the Teletubbies appeared at some stage in the middle of it."

-True. It's true.

-Yeah.

-So we've got the Log Lady and the Teletubby?

-Yes, we've got 1 and 5.

So we've got... We're looking for shepherd, PA and snooker ref.

-Yeah.

-Er...

MEERA SIGHS

Well, I think...

Who looks like they might... look after sheep?

LAUGHTER

Number 2, you've got a woolly scarf.

LAUGHTER

-May or may not imply that...

-That is a fantastic piece of deduction!

HUGH: It's only me, but I'm wondering if it might help if they whistled?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Would it be really crass to go on footwear?

-No, no...

-Because I'm just thinking Number 4's footwear...

-We're clutching at straws!

-..would be much better off in rough terrain.

-So you think those are s shepherd's footwear?

-I think...

I think, if I was an outdoor girl, those are the kind of shoes I'd wear.

Yeah, but she's not actually outdoors at the moment!

I'm sure she owns another pair of shoes for other situations!

Number 3, she looks very, very efficient.

-Yes!

-The person that could be Lord Sugar's PA.

To focus, you're looking for a shepherdess,

you're looking for a snooker referee

and you're looking for Sir Alan's PA.

I think we've gone for shepherdess based entirely on the footwear.

LAUGHTER

3 - PA, based on... What based on?

-Efficiency and...

-Efficiency and appearance,

which, by the process of elimination,

-means the snooker ref is Number 2.

-Number 2.

I bet we are totally wrong!

So we're Teletubby, snooker ref, PA, shepherd and Twin Peaks.

OK, fine, well, we can go along the line.

Number 1, who you are saying is a Teletubby,

could you identify yourself, please?

I am Nikky Smedley and I played Laa-Laa in Teletubbies.

MEERA: Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Naughty Noo-Noo! Sorry, I couldn't help myself!

Would that fit in with your memory of your night in Singapore?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

# Laa-laa! #

-I don't know!

-We don't want to know!

Er, Number 2 you said was the first woman to referee

a World Championship Snooker Final. Could you identify yourself, please?

I'm Katy Cropper and I was the first woman to win One Man And His Dog.

Aw!

APPLAUSE

Number 3 you identified as Sir Alan's PA in

the first series of The Apprentice. Could you identify yourself?

My name is Michaela Tabb and I am a professional snooker referee.

-Oh!

-APPLAUSE

Number 4 you said was

the first shepherdess to win One Man And His Dog.

My name's Sonia Copy

and I was Sir Alan Sugar's PA in the first series of The Apprentice.

APPLAUSE

However, you've probably worked this one out.

Er, you said that the last was the Log Lady on Twin Peaks.

-Could you identify yourself, please?

-Yes, I'm Catherine E Coulson

and I played the Log Lady on Twin Peaks.

I actually have a little log here with me.

LAUGHTER

At all times!

APPLAUSE

You got two of the five right.

I'm going to give Brian's team two points for that.

APPLAUSE

And, just for our own sense of closure,

let's have a look at all of our line-up in action.

-# Tinky Winky!

-Tinky Winky!

-# Dipsy!

-Dipsy!

-# Laa-laa!

-Laa-Laa!

-# Po!

-Po! #

They're in, they're in there.

Oh, well done, lass. Well done, lass. Of course, that wins it.

34.

TELEPHONE RINGS

You can go through to the boardroom now.

We don't know what will happen or when.

But there are owls in the roadhouse.

STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Catherine, please tell me

that you didn't fly that piece of log over specially for this?

I wasn't allowed to bring the real log, because American security,

the airline told me that it could be used as a bludgeon.

LAUGHTER

-Of course, I would never use the log as a bludgeon.

-Of course not!

However, I was able to sneak this in my bra.

LAUGHTER

You know, we do have trees here. You could have just picked one up?

Ladies and gentlemen, a huge round of applause for our line-up!

APPLAUSE

-They got a bonus point. Why can't we get a bonus point?

-Yeah!

Cos there was a bonus question!

-We just happened to have a bonus question.

-That's clearly...

Why is the sky blue? There's your bonus question!

-Because of Rayleigh scattering.

-Right! A bonus point for you!

-OK, so...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for our line-up!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, what's our next round?

I don't want you ever to worry about lumps.

Never, ever, ever, they said, work with animals and children.

It still tastes pukka!

No way!

Miaow! Miaow! Feed!

Absolutely useless!

Keep your legs together!

And it's Mrs Godfrey who finally triumphs over her competitors

to become the Cook Of The Year.

APPLAUSE

A - mwah! - delicious smorgasbord of BBC Two chefs there,

including the channel's very first televised cooking contest from 1964,

called Cook Of The Year, who won a giant wooden spoon.

-LAUGHTER

-Things have moved on since then,

partly thanks to our next guest.

He hosted the longest-running cookery series.

Welcome the host of Ready Steady Cook - Ainsley Harriott.

APPLAUSE

Thank you!

-How long did it run for?

-Er...

Well, 16 years the show actually ran for.

I think we nearly did 2,000 programmes.

I mean, it is bizarre just how huge a part of the channel's output

have been chefs and what stars it's made. Like, I mean, Dave,

-you've been cooking on television for some time now.

-10 years, yeah.

-But you didn't start as a chef, am my right?

-No...

-You were in showbiz?

I was a make-up artist.

I was the first male make-up artist at Television Centre in London.

And that's going back to 1980.

And some of the old shows on BBC, you know,

especially when I was a trainee, and I was staff at the centre, and

-I can remember sort of cutting my teeth on them, really.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Did you do Dr Who or anything like that?

-I did. I did.

Sil was one of mine.

A little green man in a...in a bath of slime.

-I worked on Sil.

-LAUGHTER

Things like The Cleopatras on Two. Remember that series?

And one of the jobs, the handmaidens were there,

and there was a lot of nudity in the programme.

And the nipples were painted gold. And as a young 23-year-old...

LAUGHTER

..I was very low down the food chain,

one of my jobs was to touch the gold up

as it wore off with the dressing gowns. It was great!

-Happy days!

-Yes!

OK, Ainsley, for the sake of this game, which is open to both of you,

we are going to resurrect one of the rounds from the show...

-Absolutely.

-..which is the Ready Steady Cook quickie bag.

-What was the principle behind that?

-This is it.

-It was a bag like this, of course.

-Yes.

And, of course, it contained mystery ingredients.

And, of course, the chefs then were given the challenge to cook

whatever was in the bag in 20 minutes.

OK, for this round, it's not a mystery ingredient,

-we're not getting anyone to cook anything.

-No.

It's the ingredients that would reveal to us

-the identity of a famous telly chef?

-A famous telly chef, yeah.

-Hugh, your team goes first.

-OK, the first item for our teams is...

This rather slinky little number, yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Fanny Cradock?

-Fanny Cradock?

-Fanny Cradock?

-Fanny Cradock?

-Let's have another item.

-Hang on, there's more?

-There's more?

-The Collins English Dictionary.

-May I?

-Yeah, you certainly may.

The Collins English Dictionary.

-Does that change your guess?

-Oh, I don't know.

Who were...? Right, er...

Is that...? What is that? Is that like a sort of gymslip?

No, it's from a previous era, but it is a...

Tell me, tell me, he's not a cook, but it's not Desmond Tutu?

LAUGHTER

I'm just hoping it's not Antony Worrall Thompson!

LAUGHTER

-A dictionary? Somebody wordy?

-A dictionary?

-Somebody wordy, but who's also got a fine figure.

-Words.

-Delia Smith?

-Can we have the third one? Let's have the third one.

Because it's pretty obvious so far,

but we're just going for the third just to assure ourselves.

LAUGHTER

This could be quite revealing.

Yes, the album cover of Let It Bleed by The Rolling Stones.

-GARETH:

-With a cake on it! Is it Mary Berry?

But then, that's cakes?

Rolling Stones Let It Bleed. OK, so who went out

-with the Rolling Stones?

-Not Fanny Cradock, then.

-Oh! Oh! Jane Asher! Could it be Jane Asher?

-Ooh!

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!

-Yes! Good call!

Somebody in the audience said yes, so it must be right.

-Jane Asher?

-Good call!

-Hang on! She went out with a Beatles!

-McCartney!

-No...

-Paul McCartney.

-So you wouldn't put a Rolling Stones album! The last thing you'd do!

-No!

-Yeah.

-Er...

Er...er...

-You've got to pick one.

-I don't know anything about Fanny...Cradock.

Eh?! LAUGHTER

-Let's say Fanny Cradock.

-You're going for Fanny Cradock?

-We're going for Fanny Cradock.

-Well, I'm afraid the answer is...

-Delia Smith.

-Oh.

-Ooh!

-Richard, can you talk us through this?

The swimsuit is there, because, if you look at your screens,

she was briefly, in the 1960s, a model.

-Let's take a look. There she is. That's Delia.

-Delia, yeah.

I'd say the light wasn't very good for the others, was it?

LAUGHTER

What's the dictionary?

-In 2003, the word "Delia" entered the Collins dictionary...

-Yes.

-..as a noun.

-Yes, recipe or style of cooking.

What does it mean - Delia?

"The recipes or style of cooking of British cookery writer Delia Smith."

-Ah!

-And the Rolling Stones connection,

it's perhaps not as scandalous as you might think.

There's a cake on the front of Let It Bleed

and that cake was made by Delia Smith.

-Yeah!

-HUGH: That's, um...

APPLAUSE

-That's obscure.

-Yeah.

I hope their question's as easy as that!

LAUGHTER

Can you think of one way that you would use Delia actually as a word?

"You never get a duff Delia."

LAUGHTER

"But you can get a Fanny Cradock."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There was an example on the screen. It said, "Example - a Delia dish."

Said it was a modifier. "So that's a very Delia dish."

OK, er, Brian's team, time for your bag of clues.

-Ainsley, please, what's the first one out?

-Absolutely.

The first item out of the bag is...

..a birthday card.

Is it a particular birthday card?

-Yes, it is.

-"Happy birthday, Mum"?

So it's, er, it's a woman making a seesaw for her children.

Right, so that's the birthday card. Any guesses?

-Don't look at me!

-You look... LAUGHTER

I know, I know! But I mean, a human seesaw birthday card,

-"Happy birthday, Mother".

-OK, what's the second clue?

The second clue is...

ingredients for a Victoria sandwich.

Victoria sandwich.

That's Women's Institute, isn't it?

It's the sort of person who'd weigh their eggs.

Any guesses?

I've got a feeling, but I might be wrong, but if you carry on.

Let's go for the third clue.

And finally...