A Christmas Carol Goes Wrong


A Christmas Carol Goes Wrong

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CHURCH BELL TOLLS

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Bah!

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Humbug!

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CLOCK CHIMES

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Hush, confounded chimes!

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Wherever I go, all I see is this clock, staring back at me.

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No good in funerals.

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Marley wouldn't have approved, himself.

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Waste of money!

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Waste of time!

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Hey! Hey!

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-Oh!

-Get off!

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-All right, everyone out.

-Who are you?

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Head of the BBC.

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-That was a Twix.

-Get out!

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All right. Plan B it is.

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-Coats.

-Yes!

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-What are you doing?

-You said I'd be taking over as Scrooge.

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No, I'm playing Scrooge, that's why I've got the notes.

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You're playing the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come.

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He doesn't have any lines.

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The cast said they'd walk if you played Scrooge!

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What, the whole cast?! I'm the leading actor!

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No, you're the worst actor in the company.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

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Auntie Diana, you promised.

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Just hurry up.

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Well, you'll have to do it over the phone, then.

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-Annie. Annie!

-What? What?

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-I can't remember any of my lines.

-Again?!

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It's the nerves.

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Come with me.

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-What if you become ill?

-I won't!

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What if you get injured?

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I would have to be completely incapacitated to pull out now.

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-THOUGHTFULLY:

-Really?

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ALL SHOUTING

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Give it here. Just stop, stop!

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Good evening, BBC viewers. Unfortunately,

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the cast of A Christmas Carol have all been taken ill.

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SHOUTING, FEEDBACK.

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But don't worry, the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society

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happened to be passing by, and will be filling in,

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with special guest narrator, Sandra's aunt, Dame Diana Rigg.

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Please enjoy A Christmas Carol.

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CHURCH BELL TOLLS

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Bah.

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Humbug!

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MUFFLED CLOCK CHIMES

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Hush, confounded chimes!

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Everywhere I go, all I see is that damn clock.

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Everywhere I go...

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..all I see...

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..is that damn clock...

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..staring back at me!

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Ha!

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No good in funerals, anyhow.

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Marley wouldn't approve, himself.

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Waste of money. Waste of time.

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Marley was dead to begin with.

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There was no doubt whatever about that.

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The register of his burial was signed by the solemn undertaker,

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and of course, the only mourner, his partner, Mr Scrooge.

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HE GRUNTS

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HE GRUNTS

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HE SPLUTTERS

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Auntie Diana, you're on. Go!

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On Christmas Eve, Scrooge walked into his counting house.

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He was a tight-fisted hand on the grindstone,

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a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping covetous old sinner,

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who was as hard as flint.

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The weather was biting,

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but cold and heat had little influence on Scrooge.

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No warmth could warm him.

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No wintry weather could chill him.

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No wind that blew was bitterer than he.

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Get off!

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Stop it! Stop it! Stop!

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-PUNCH

-Ow!

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There was not a man, woman, or child in London

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who chose to walk close to Scrooge in the street.

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-Oh!

-Get off!

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Get off!

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But as long as he was able to go about his business with thrift,

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and count his coins, what did Scrooge care?

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Merry Christmas, Mr Scrooge.

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Oh!

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Merry Christmas, Uncle. God save you.

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Bah, humbug.

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Christmas, a humbug?

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Uncle, och, you don't mean that, I'm sure.

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I do, Frances. What's Christmas but another time

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to find yourself a year older, and not an hour richer?

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Every idiot who goes about with "Merry Christmas" on his lips

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should be boiled in his own pudding,

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-and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

-Oh!

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Wipe that stupid smile from your face.

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I have every reason to smile, Uncle, and make merry at this time of year.

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What reason have you to be merry? You're poor enough.

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What reason have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.

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What else can I be while I live in such a world of fools as this?

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Why is one a fool for wishing her uncle a Merry Christmas?

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-Because it does you no good.

-Does me no good?

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It is the one time in the long calendar of the year

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when men and women can open their shut-up hearts freely,

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and hold out their hands to those below them as their true companions.

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Fine speech, Frances.

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You belong in Parliament.

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Christmas, Uncle,

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though it has never put a scrap of gold in my pocket, has done me good,

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and will do me good, and I say God bless it.

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Miss Frances.

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What a pleasure it is to see you.

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Well, Merry Christmas, Bob Cratchit.

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A Merry Christmas to you, too!

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We hear a knock at the door.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Oh, a knock at the door!

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Oh, that must be the lovely couple raising money for the orphanage.

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What merry, bold and charitable souls they are.

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Have I the pleasure of addressing Mr Scrooge or Mr Marley?

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Mr Marley died seven years ago this very day.

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Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

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We're raising money for the orphanage

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to care for the sickly and make provision for the poor,

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like young Jane, here.

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-On the shelf, Bugsworth.

-Yes, Mr Scrooge.

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Ah! Merry Christmas, Miss Frances.

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And to you.

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Ah, let me help you, Mr Scrooge.

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Oh, no!

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He's completely incapacitated. Don't worry, I'll step in.

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-I'm fine!

-Humbug!

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Get out, Bugsworth!

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What shall I put you down for, Mr Scrooge?

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-Nothing.

-You wish to be anonymous?

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I wish to be left alone and keep my money.

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What would you want for the needy?

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That they should die and decrease the surplus population!

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I have not much in my coin-purse.

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Fear not, Mr Cratchit.

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You are poorer than most.

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But what little I have...you are welcome to.

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I'm afraid there is only a single penny I have saved.

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You would part with your only coin?

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Yes!

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Do you not need it for your family?

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No.

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Thank you, Mr Cratchit.

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You'd give all you have to charity.

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No.

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No?

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You don't want to give to charity?

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Yes.

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Are you sure?

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No...

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You have to make a choice.

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Make a choice. Will you give them the coin?

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Yes.

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Thank you!

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This bag was made in China.

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God bless you, Jane.

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May the generosity of goodly people of London Town

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keep you merry this Christmas.

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Merry Christmas, Miss Frances.

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Merry Christmas, Mr Cratchit.

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And to you!

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Don't be cross, Uncle.

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Say you'll come and dine with us tomorrow.

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No, Frances. I shall spend Christmas alone.

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Kindly keep Christmas in your own way,

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-and let me keep it in mine.

-Keep it? But you don't keep it!

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Let me leave it alone, then.

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Very well, Uncle. If you change your mind,

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you have our address.

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CHAIR CLATTERS

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Merry Christmas.

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CHAIR CLATTERS

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Sorry...

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Sorry... Can we just...? Look...

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OK, Jane.

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And the coat. And the coat.

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Just...

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Don't look, Bob, don't look! OK.

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Right.

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Just get my coat...

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OK.

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Right. Open the door, open the door.

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Open the door.

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OK. OK.

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And a merry Christmas to you, Bob Cratchit!

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You'll want all day tomorrow, I suppose?

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If it's quite convenient, sir.

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It's not convenient, Bob Cratchit!

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Christmas comes but once a year.

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Look outside at the people going about their business with glee.

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This is not a time for money but for family,

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and mine would appreciate me home, sir.

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Spare me your foolish humbug, Cratchit.

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I...

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I... I...

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I...

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I... I...erm...

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I...

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I am not a rich man!

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BOOKS CLATTER

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If I can spend Christmas with my family,

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I would be content to...

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..gnaw...

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..upon a bone, or sleep on a bed of...warts.

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Fine, Cratchit, take the whole day.

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Uoy sselb!

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Bless you.

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Thank you.

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Humbug!

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But be here all the earlier the next morning!

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Wang!

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OWL HOOTS

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Jacob Marley?

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Scroo...

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KNOCKER CLATTERS

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-MUFFLED:

-Scrooge...

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Humbug.

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Scrooge, shaken by the vision,

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went to search the rooms of his house for signs of an intruder.

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Finding nothing untoward, he returned to his bedroom,

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secure in the knowledge the house was completely empty

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other than Scrooge.

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SPLAT

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BELLS JANGLE

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I'll get it!

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-EERILY:

-Scrooge...

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Who's there?

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Ebenezer Scrooge...

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Humbug!

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THUNDER CRASHES

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What trickery is this? Who are you?

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In life, I was your partner, Jacob Marley.

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You don't believe in me?

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I do not!

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Why do you doubt your senses?

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Because a little thing affects them.

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You may be an undigested bit of beef.

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A blot of mustard.

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There's more of gravy than a grave about you.

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Wah...

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THUNDER CRASHES

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That's it, you dreadful apparition. Why do you trouble me?

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If a spirit goes not forth in life,

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it is condemned to do so after death.

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I am doomed to wander through the world

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and witness what I cannot share.

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I wear the chain I forged in life.

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I made it link by link

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and yard by yard.

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You must listen! My time is nearly gone!

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CRASH!

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Oh, how I wish I could cast off these cursed chains!

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I am made captive by my deeds but, like me, Scrooge,

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you have girded yourself a great chain

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which in time shall hang heavy around you.

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DOOR RATTLES

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Stay away, vile spirit!

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I wish to see no more of you!

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DOOR RATTLES

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-Unlock the door!

-Be gone!

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DOOR RATTLES

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Undo the bottom one.

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You will be haunted by three spirits.

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Without their visits,

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you cannot hope to shun the path I tread.

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Expect the first when the bell tolls one.

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Farewell, Scrooge!

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-ECHOING:

-Scrooge...

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Scrooge was left alone again.

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He looked out through his window, which was locked shut,

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undisturbed, just as it was before the ghost arrived.

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Resolved to forget what he had experienced,

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Scrooge went to bed

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and blew out the light.

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CLOCK CHIMES

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Are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?

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I am!

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Who and what are you?

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Come close and I shall tell you.

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I am the ghost of Christmas Past.

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I shine with the light of a thousand Christmases gone.

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I have never seen your like before.

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May I look closer?

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No, no, no! Oh! Oh!

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By my light you shall see the truth of your past.

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Take me in your hand, Scrooge.

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WIND WHISTLES

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HE GASPS

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Your past is hidden beyond these walls.

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Step through with me.

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I am mortal, Spirit. I cannot.

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By my light, you shall.

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Humbug!

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HE GROANS

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This way, Mr Scrooge.

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Ohh!

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And with that, Scrooge and the spirit

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disappeared from his bedroom.

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Tip me through.

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Just go.

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Tip me. Tip me. Tip me!

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HE STRAINS

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You're not moving.

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-Have we disappeared?

-Yes. Shh!

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And Scrooge found himself soaring over open fields and woodland.

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Oh, I'm not sure, Spirit. May we not fall?

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We shall not, Mr Scrooge.

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Where are you taking me?

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My light shall show you the man you once were.

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MAN MUMBLES

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Welcome to Greenscreen 1-2-3,

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where, with just one click,

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you can be on a beach...

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..or at the Eiffel Tower.

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Overlay your own exciting footage.

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-I think Robert would make a great leading actor.

-Oh, come on!

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It's Ebenezer Scrooge, not Ebenezer Huge!

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Ow.

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Ow!

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Agh! Stop it!

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Stop it! Ow! Stop it!

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Get off!

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Get off!

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-<

-Oh!

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-Oh, no!

-Agh!

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-Oh, now he's completely incapacitated.

-I'm not!

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-Humbug!

-I'm fine!

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I want to be in a grown-up relationship.

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I don't want to be dating Max any more.

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When are you going to do it?

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-After we finish Christmas Carol?

-Yeah.

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HE SIGHS

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Good heavens.

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I know this place.

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I grew up here.

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This is where Belle and I would court.

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And there we are.

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I'm sorry, Ebenezer. We cannot be together any longer.

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Why, my love?

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Another idol has displaced me that you love more.

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Who is this idol you speak of? There is no-one else.

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The pursuit of wealth and gain engrosses you.

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I don't understand.

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You have grown hard and unfeeling, like your partner Mr Marley.

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Please don't leave me.

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Our contract is an old one,

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made when we were both poor.

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I can change.

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You are changed.

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When it was made, you were a different man.

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I release you with a heart full of love for the man you once were.

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Goodbye, my dearest.

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Good...

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Goodbye, my dearest!

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Oh, Spirit, why do you delight in torturing me?

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Dry your tears, Ebenezer.

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You must to bed before the other spirits arrive.

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CLOCK CHIMES

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Oh! Sorry, mate.

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And just as Jacob Marley said,

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upon the stroke of two...

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CLOCK CHIMES

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..Scrooge heard the merry sound of laughter.

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-WAVERING:

-Ho-ho-ho...

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-Hello, Scrooge.

-Who are you, Spirit?

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I am the ghost of Christmas Present.

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I am cheer, I am joy, I...am Christmas.

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Come, and know me better, man.

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Oh, Spirit,

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I have seen enough for one night.

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I cannot bear another heartbreak.

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I beg you, leave me be.

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Haunt me no longer.

0:25:020:25:03

Humbug!

0:25:030:25:05

MUFFLED GROANS

0:25:050:25:09

Haunt me no longer.

0:25:090:25:11

-No, me.

-Get off!

-Me!

0:25:110:25:13

Worry not, Scrooge.

0:25:170:25:19

Your journey with me shall not be one of heartbreak

0:25:190:25:22

but of mirth. Now, come.

0:25:220:25:23

You look hungry.

0:25:230:25:25

What is all this?

0:25:250:25:26

Why, it is the bounty of Christmas.

0:25:260:25:29

Ho-ho-ho!

0:25:290:25:31

I don't believe...

0:25:310:25:32

..you have merely come to feed me.

0:25:320:25:35

Tell me, Spirit, the purpose of your visit.

0:25:350:25:38

Each year, you have shunned the present,

0:25:380:25:40

but this year you will mark the lessons it holds.

0:25:400:25:43

CLATTER AND GROANING

0:25:430:25:45

Very well.

0:25:450:25:46

Conduct me where you will.

0:25:460:25:48

If you have aught to teach me,

0:25:480:25:50

I shall listen and profit by it.

0:25:500:25:52

Then follow me to the street, Scrooge.

0:25:520:25:55

Show me something I may smile upon.

0:25:550:25:58

-GASPS:

-Jacobi!

-Ho-ho-ho-ho!

0:25:590:26:02

DART WHIZZES

0:26:020:26:05

Oh, come now, he's completely incapacit...

0:26:050:26:08

Oh, for God's sake!

0:26:080:26:10

Right, come on, Jacobi.

0:26:100:26:11

Come down to the street, Scrooge,

0:26:110:26:13

and see how the goodly people celebrate Christmas,

0:26:130:26:17

a day where all mankind can forget their position

0:26:170:26:20

and go about with glee and good tidings,

0:26:200:26:23

masters and servants, judges and scoundrels,

0:26:230:26:26

landlords and lodgers can all make merry together

0:26:260:26:30

and wish each other well.

0:26:300:26:32

Do you recognise this house, Scrooge?

0:26:320:26:35

Why, 'tis Bob Cratchit's house, for sure.

0:26:350:26:38

Here comes his youngest, Tiny Tim,

0:26:380:26:41

walking home.

0:26:410:26:43

Ah, Tiny Tim, the sweetest, dearest boy that there ever was.

0:26:430:26:47

Ho-ho-ho!

0:27:050:27:07

Come, Scrooge, look through the window and observe

0:27:090:27:12

how these humble folk live.

0:27:120:27:14

I've had the children clean up before we eat.

0:27:140:27:16

What will we be having for Christmas dinner, Bob?

0:27:160:27:19

Bob?

0:27:230:27:24

A goose!

0:27:290:27:31

Oh, Bob, you saved up for it! How wonderful.

0:27:310:27:33

Anything for you, my sweet?

0:27:350:27:37

A drop to drink?

0:27:370:27:39

Oh, why, thank you. How was Tiny Tim at church?

0:27:390:27:42

As good as gold and better.

0:27:420:27:45

He told me coming home

0:27:450:27:47

he hoped people saw him because he was a cripple

0:27:470:27:49

and it might be pleasant for them to remember upon Christmas Day

0:27:490:27:52

who made lame beggars walk and blind men see.

0:27:520:27:55

Enough wine for you, my dear?

0:27:550:27:57

Plenty.

0:27:570:27:58

I pray for him every day.

0:28:010:28:02

Here he comes now.

0:28:020:28:04

Hello, Mama!

0:28:040:28:06

Tim! Come here, my little boy.

0:28:110:28:13

Lift me in your arms, Papa.

0:28:160:28:19

We...

0:28:260:28:28

Oh, Tim, you do look frail of late.

0:28:300:28:33

I am frail.

0:28:330:28:35

Frail and ill.

0:28:350:28:36

Atchoo.

0:28:360:28:38

Uoy sselb!

0:28:380:28:40

Sit up to the table, my little Tim.

0:28:420:28:44

Oh, Mama.

0:28:540:28:55

Now...let...us...raise...a ...glass...to...

0:28:580:29:02

..Mr Scrooge, the...founder...of...the...

0:29:020:29:06

..feast.

0:29:070:29:09

The founder of the feast indeed.

0:29:090:29:11

That hard, unfeeling scoundrel is the cause of our suffering!

0:29:110:29:16

Mr Scrooge has not the kind family I have.

0:29:160:29:19

-I pity him.

-Hmm.

0:29:190:29:21

Alone on Christmas Day.

0:29:210:29:22

We maybe poor but we are rich in company, eh, Father?

0:29:220:29:26

Oof!

0:29:260:29:28

There is the wealth Mr Scrooge may never know.

0:29:280:29:32

To Mr Scrooge.

0:29:340:29:36

BOTH: The founder of the feast.

0:29:360:29:38

God bless us...

0:29:380:29:39

Good bless us every one.

0:29:420:29:45

A remarkable boy.

0:29:460:29:48

Tell me, Spirit, if Tiny Tim will live.

0:29:480:29:51

I see a vacant seat and a crutch without an owner.

0:29:510:29:55

Do I really pay Bob so poorly?

0:29:550:29:57

They have such a meagre feast...

0:29:590:30:01

..but what a fine family they are.

0:30:010:30:03

Tiny Tim is such a brave boy.

0:30:030:30:07

Mrs Cratchit such a loyal and devoted woman.

0:30:070:30:12

But they should get on with dying and decrease the surplus population,

0:30:120:30:15

should they not?

0:30:150:30:17

What more can you afford to pay?

0:30:170:30:18

I don't only care about myself, do I?

0:30:180:30:21

Come, there is more to see.

0:30:210:30:24

Do you recognise this house, Scrooge?

0:30:240:30:27

It belongs to my niece, Frances.

0:30:270:30:29

There she is now.

0:30:290:30:31

Erm...

0:30:310:30:32

Oh, dear.

0:30:350:30:37

It looks like they've got the decorators in.

0:30:370:30:40

I'm sure they'll be done any moment now...

0:30:400:30:44

..and there we are, they're done!

0:30:460:30:48

THEY ALL LAUGH

0:30:480:30:51

Is it a vegetable?

0:30:520:30:55

-Not a vegetable, no.

-Mineral, then?

0:30:550:30:58

Not a mineral, which leaves you with...?

0:30:580:31:00

-Animal.

-Quite so.

0:31:000:31:03

-Alive?

-More or less.

0:31:030:31:05

Oh, my dear Frances.

0:31:050:31:07

Why must you always be so cryptic?

0:31:070:31:10

Is this animal disagreeable or friendly?

0:31:100:31:13

Oh, disagreeable, for sure.

0:31:130:31:16

-Does it growl?

-Sometimes.

0:31:160:31:18

-Is it found in England?

-It's found in London, Topper.

0:31:200:31:23

A horse.

0:31:230:31:24

No, but it says "nay" more than a horse does!

0:31:240:31:27

-Is it a pig?

-Is it a fox?

0:31:330:31:35

Is this animal domesticated?

0:31:350:31:38

Mmm, hardly.

0:31:380:31:40

Frances, I know what it is.

0:31:400:31:42

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:31:440:31:46

A disagreeable creature but none of these - it is your uncle,

0:31:490:31:52

-Ebenezer Scrooge.

-It is! It is! Oh, bravo, Topper!

0:31:520:31:57

Oh...

0:31:570:31:58

A disagreeable creature.

0:32:010:32:03

Is that what they think?

0:32:030:32:05

And a growling one.

0:32:050:32:06

But what does Scrooge care what these fools believe?

0:32:060:32:09

I don't care.

0:32:090:32:11

Indeed.

0:32:110:32:12

More or less dead, hardly domesticated.

0:32:120:32:15

What childish blabber.

0:32:150:32:17

I care perhaps a little.

0:32:170:32:19

The time has come for me to away and let in another spirit

0:32:190:32:24

before Christmas Day...

0:32:240:32:26

-It's all right.

-I'm sorry.

-It's all right.

-Sorry. Sorry, mate.

0:32:290:32:33

CLOCK CHIMES

0:32:350:32:37

Oh...

0:32:460:32:48

Sorry, mate. Sorry.

0:32:480:32:49

HE GASPS

0:32:520:32:55

HE GASPS

0:33:280:33:31

Come on!

0:33:340:33:36

Come on...

0:33:360:33:38

HE GROANS

0:33:420:33:45

RASPING BREATHS

0:33:570:33:59

Are you a ghost...

0:34:030:34:05

..of Christmas Yet-To-Come?

0:34:050:34:08

Sandra?

0:34:330:34:35

I've got good news. That agent just called.

0:34:390:34:42

He's going to take me on.

0:34:420:34:44

He said the exposure from Christmas Carol

0:34:440:34:46

will easily get me that advert.

0:34:460:34:48

We'll never have to work with this bunch of freaks again.

0:34:480:34:52

I don't suppose anyone will attend the old goat's funeral.

0:35:150:35:19

He never gave a penny to charity. He stole from the poor.

0:35:210:35:25

Selfish.

0:35:270:35:29

Spirit, show me some tenderness connected with a death,

0:35:340:35:38

or this dark conversation will be forever present to me.

0:35:380:35:43

CLUNK!

0:35:550:35:57

Oh, my poor Tim.

0:36:140:36:16

Be at peace, my dear, sweet boy.

0:36:180:36:21

HE ROARS

0:36:210:36:24

HE GASPS

0:36:240:36:26

Why did you put him in the coffin?

0:36:280:36:30

How else am I supposed to keep him contained?

0:36:300:36:32

CLOCK CHIMES

0:36:320:36:35

CLUNK!

0:36:350:36:37

Oh, come on!

0:36:390:36:41

CLUNK!

0:36:440:36:46

Yes, he died a week ago, I heard.

0:36:490:36:51

Good Lord, I thought he'd never die!

0:36:510:36:53

THEY CHUCKLE

0:36:530:36:55

-Well, I certainly shan't miss him.

-Nor I. He was very unpopular.

0:36:550:36:59

CLUNK!

0:37:020:37:04

Spirit...

0:37:090:37:11

..are these the shadows of things that will be?

0:37:110:37:14

Or are they the shadows of things that may only be?

0:37:140:37:18

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:37:180:37:20

Oh...

0:37:230:37:25

Spirit...

0:37:250:37:27

..a man may change the course of his life!

0:37:270:37:31

Spirit, I...

0:37:310:37:32

Spirit, I'm sorry.

0:37:340:37:36

I have been greedy and selfish.

0:37:380:37:41

I've served myself before others...

0:37:430:37:45

..and shut out the gift of their kindnesses.

0:37:450:37:49

I'm sorry to everyone.

0:37:490:37:51

All of you.

0:37:520:37:54

I've taken you all for granted.

0:37:550:37:57

I thought I wanted to go it alone, but...

0:37:580:38:01

..truth is...

0:38:020:38:04

..I'd be lost without you.

0:38:040:38:06

In fact...

0:38:080:38:09

..I believe...

0:38:100:38:12

..I'm not feeling at all well.

0:38:140:38:16

I think...

0:38:180:38:20

..I may be...

0:38:200:38:21

..completely incapacitated.

0:38:230:38:25

Scrooge...

0:38:280:38:30

What?

0:38:300:38:31

I'm completely incapacitated.

0:38:330:38:35

Mr Scrooge.

0:38:350:38:37

Chris, I don't know what to say.

0:38:380:38:40

-I couldn't.

-You have to.

0:38:400:38:42

We're all counting on our lead actor.

0:38:430:38:46

Chris, it's your part and you should finish it.

0:38:460:38:50

I'm not going to take your role.

0:38:500:38:53

Well, why don't we do it together?

0:38:550:38:56

No, I'll do it.

0:38:560:38:58

Humbug!

0:39:000:39:02

Quickly, we'll finish the thing.

0:39:020:39:04

Here we are. Come on, quickly.

0:39:040:39:07

Hurry up, this way. Up to the bedroom. Come on, quickly.

0:39:070:39:11

Hurry up, there's still time. We can still make it work. Quickly!

0:39:110:39:14

Scrooge fell before the spirit and woke to find himself in bed.

0:39:140:39:19

Good morning.

0:39:190:39:21

I shall live in the past, present and the future,

0:39:210:39:24

the spirits of all three shall strive within me.

0:39:240:39:28

You there, child. What day is it?

0:39:280:39:30

-It's Christmas Day!

-Christmas Day? Oh, Jacob Marley be praised!

0:39:300:39:35

Wait there, for I must speak with you a moment.

0:39:350:39:38

I shall have that girl run to the poulterer's

0:39:400:39:42

and fetch the plumpest bird she can find in the shop.

0:39:420:39:45

Merry Christmas, everyone.

0:39:450:39:46

Merry Christmas! A merry Christmas to you, sir.

0:39:460:39:50

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

0:39:500:39:51

Merry Christmas to one and all!

0:39:510:39:54

Excuse me, are you playing Scrooge?

0:39:540:39:58

No. Chris is playing Scrooge.

0:39:580:40:00

I am not playing Scrooge. You took over as Scrooge.

0:40:000:40:03

I only took over as Scrooge because you forced me

0:40:030:40:05

to take over as Scrooge.

0:40:050:40:06

I did not force you to take over as Scrooge.

0:40:060:40:08

If anything, you forced me to play Scrooge by being such a bad actor!

0:40:080:40:11

Nobody forced either of you to play Scrooge.

0:40:110:40:13

You came here and took Scrooge from me. By force!

0:40:130:40:16

Stop fighting. Look, it doesn't matter who's playing Scrooge.

0:40:160:40:19

-That's what we've learned tonight.

-It's not what I've learned tonight.

0:40:190:40:22

I've learned that it absolutely matters! I am Scrooge!

0:40:220:40:26

Get them out!

0:40:260:40:28

Come on, it's over.

0:40:280:40:29

They're using force! They're using force!

0:40:320:40:34

Chris! Understudy!

0:40:340:40:35

I'm Scrooge!

0:40:350:40:37

THEY ALL SHOUT

0:40:370:40:40

Quick! The cameras.

0:40:420:40:44

Get off him!

0:40:470:40:49

Ow!

0:40:500:40:51

We may as well finish the show outside. Everyone, outs...

0:40:580:41:01

Hurry, quickly.

0:41:030:41:05

We're still filming, so, action!

0:41:080:41:10

Here's a better idea.

0:41:100:41:13

Why don't we all go to the poulterer's and fetch a goose?

0:41:130:41:18

We shall take it to Bob Cratchit's house.

0:41:180:41:20

# Ding-dong merrily on high

0:41:200:41:23

# In heaven the bells are ringing

0:41:230:41:26

# Ding dong merrily the sky... #

0:41:260:41:28

THEY STUMBLE OVER LYRICS

0:41:280:41:31

# ..Glo-o-o-o-oria

0:41:350:41:37

# Hosanna in excelsis! #

0:41:370:41:40

Now, everyone, we must search for the plumpest goose we can find.

0:41:400:41:45

# Jingle bells

0:41:450:41:47

# Jingle bells, jingle all the way

0:41:470:41:50

# Oh, what fun it is to ride

0:41:500:41:52

# In a one-horse open sleigh... #

0:41:520:41:54

Ah, no goose, then,

0:41:540:41:56

but fare well, Bob Cratchit,

0:41:560:41:59

if this is what you desire most then it is what you shall have.

0:41:590:42:03

# For everyone at Christmas loves goujons! #

0:42:030:42:07

Hey!

0:42:070:42:09

# Jingle bells

0:42:090:42:10

# Jingle bells Jingle all the way... #

0:42:100:42:13

Sorry, would you mind if we went ahead?

0:42:130:42:15

Yes, I would mind.

0:42:150:42:17

# Dashing through the snow

0:42:170:42:20

# On a one-horse open sleigh... #

0:42:200:42:22

Greetings, good fellow.

0:42:220:42:23

-Hiya.

-I would like to purchase these fine goujons, please.

0:42:230:42:27

That's 3.99, please.

0:42:270:42:28

Does anyone have any money? Do you have any money?

0:42:280:42:31

No.

0:42:350:42:37

I appear to have left my coin-purse in my other britches.

0:42:390:42:43

If you don't have any money, you'll have to leave.

0:42:430:42:46

Might you be able to open your heart to those in need at Christmas?

0:42:460:42:50

-I'm sorry, mate.

-Please, it's for the Cratchits.

-Who?

0:42:500:42:53

Please, we need them.

0:42:530:42:55

I... Just take whatever you want. Just take the money.

0:42:550:42:57

-It's fine.

-Really? The goujons?

-Take them, just don't hurt anyone.

0:42:570:43:00

Yeah. Yeah, bag it up, yeah.

0:43:000:43:03

Merry Christmas!

0:43:030:43:05

# Jingle bells, jingle bells... #

0:43:050:43:07

Give us a Snickers.

0:43:070:43:09

-Take one yourself.

-What?

0:43:090:43:11

-Take one yourself!

-OK!

0:43:110:43:13

And this lady's shopping's free.

0:43:130:43:15

-Whatever you say.

-OK.

0:43:150:43:16

Merry Christmas!

0:43:160:43:18

Oh, everyone, we shall return to Bob Cratchit's house

0:43:200:43:23

and present him with the finest Christmas feast

0:43:230:43:26

he's had in all his life.

0:43:260:43:28

# Fah-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la... #

0:43:280:43:32

THEY HUM THE TUNE

0:43:320:43:35

Festive greetings!

0:43:350:43:37

We are travelling the town to wish everyone a merry Christmas.

0:43:370:43:41

ALL: Merry Christmas!

0:43:410:43:43

Oh, that's nice.

0:43:430:43:45

Might we enter and spread our joy to the fine townsfolk within?

0:43:450:43:50

Not without a pass.

0:43:500:43:52

Oh, dear.

0:43:520:43:54

That is a shame.

0:43:540:43:57

We had hoped we'd might be able to get back in the studio, but...

0:43:570:44:02

FIRE ALARM RINGS

0:44:020:44:04

Oh, that's the fire alarm.

0:44:040:44:05

If you could all just make your way out of the building

0:44:050:44:08

and across the courtyard. Thank you. All of you.

0:44:080:44:11

We will!

0:44:110:44:12

Shh! Shh! Shh!

0:44:150:44:17

THEY WHISPER

0:44:170:44:20

Oh!

0:44:280:44:30

No!

0:44:300:44:32

Bob Cratchit?

0:44:360:44:38

Bob Cratchit, are you in there?

0:44:390:44:41

No, I'm here.

0:44:410:44:43

Go round.

0:44:430:44:44

Merry Christmas, Bob!

0:44:490:44:51

A merrier Christmas than I have given you in many a year.

0:44:510:44:54

May I come in?

0:44:540:44:56

Yes!

0:44:570:44:59

Thank you, Bob.

0:45:010:45:03

I have come here to tell you that I intend to double your salary,

0:45:030:45:07

and shall endeavour to...

0:45:070:45:09

..to...

0:45:110:45:12

Assist your struggling family.

0:45:120:45:15

..to assist your struggling family.

0:45:180:45:21

BOTH: Tiny Tim shall walk again,

0:45:210:45:23

and I shall keep Christmas in my heart.

0:45:230:45:27

First, though, let us all have a Christmas dinner.

0:45:270:45:32

What do you say, Bob?

0:45:320:45:34

Yes.

0:45:350:45:36

Merry Christmas.

0:45:360:45:39

Pay attention, everyone.

0:45:430:45:45

Sorry.

0:45:450:45:46

Sorry, before we finish...

0:45:460:45:48

..there's something I'd like to say to Max.

0:45:480:45:50

You're going to break up with me on air. What's wrong with you?

0:45:500:45:53

Break up with you?

0:45:530:45:54

Yeah. I saw the video. You said you didn't want to be dating any more.

0:45:540:45:58

I don't want to be dating any more. I want to be married.

0:45:580:46:01

To me?

0:46:040:46:05

Yes.

0:46:070:46:09

I had a whole plan. I was going to propose.

0:46:090:46:13

-But I saw you kissing Chris.

-What?

0:46:140:46:17

-I thought we were friends.

-Look, I found something.

0:46:170:46:19

Look at this.

0:46:190:46:21

Oh, same dress!

0:46:260:46:29

-All right, Chris?

-Yeah.

0:46:290:46:31

That's my sister.

0:46:330:46:35

You were going to propose?

0:46:420:46:43

Yeah.

0:46:430:46:44

Right, that's it!

0:46:440:46:47

I've had it!

0:46:470:46:49

You've ruined Christmas again, all of you!

0:46:490:46:53

It wasn't enough to ruin the production last year.

0:46:530:46:56

Now you've sabotaged mine!

0:46:560:46:59

Go on, get out of here.

0:46:590:47:01

We are going to perform OUR version from the top now!

0:47:010:47:05

-But it's a proposal!

-I don't care! I'm going to give my performance.

0:47:050:47:10

The only chance you have of continuing

0:47:100:47:13

is if I am completely incapacitated.

0:47:130:47:15

CAR TYRES SCREECH

0:47:150:47:17

HE GASPS

0:47:210:47:24

Oh...

0:47:260:47:27

Oh, come on, Derek. This is not about you.

0:47:270:47:30

But I...I...I...

0:47:300:47:32

Oh, forget it.

0:47:320:47:34

Da-na!

0:47:340:47:36

Thank you, Auntie Diana.

0:47:360:47:37

Aw...

0:47:400:47:42

And so, as Tiny Tim observed...

0:47:450:47:49

Please, God bless us ev...

0:47:490:47:52

God bless us every one!

0:47:520:47:55

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