Colli Dad, Siarad am Hynna


Colli Dad, Siarad am Hynna

Stephen Hughes sy'n trafod hunanladdiad ei dad a pham ei bod hi mor anodd siarad am iechyd meddwl. Stephen Hughes talks about his father's suicide and the stigma of mental healt...


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Transcript


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-MELANCHOLIC MUSIC

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-ROTOR BLADES WHIR

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-NOISE BUILDS

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-SILENCE

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-There's a silent epidemic on

-the increase across the world.

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-In Wales, it kills somebody

-almost every day...

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-..but we don't talk about that.

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-It's the primary cause of death

-among men under the age of 50.

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-It kills more people than cancer,

-heart disease and road accidents...

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-..but we don't talk about that.

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-For some reason,

-it affects more men than women...

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-..but we don't talk about that.

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-I'm Stephen Hughes.

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-I'm on my way to my family home...

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-..to discuss something

-I never thought would affect us...

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-..and I need to talk about that.

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-This is Elfed Hughes.

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-Some call him Elfed Bwchanan.

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-But I call him Dad.

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-On September the 18th, 2015...

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-..following a spell at

-the Hergest Mental Health Unit...

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-..Dad died.

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-Aged 56, he hanged himself

-on the farm.

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-At home.

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-'Losing Dad'

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-'Talking about THAT'

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-I now live in Cardiff

-but Bwchanan is home.

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-It's almost two years

-since that happened...

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-..leaving a huge void in our lives.

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-At this time, lambing season,

-Dad would be in his element.

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-Full of life, barking orders,

-and having fun.

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-He loved the busy life of the farm.

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-He'd be the last person

-you'd expect to kill himself.

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-I'm the eldest of three brothers.

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-Sion's a local carpenter

-and helps on the farm.

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-But Geraint, my youngest brother...

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-..has had to take the reins

-since Dad died.

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-Mam has always been

-a farmer's wife.

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-After Dad died,

-I had professional counselling.

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-I've learned how important it is

-to talk about your feelings.

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-Mam, Sion and Geraint

-are very private people...

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-..and talking about that

-is too difficult...

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-..so I'm going to talk to the other

-people who were close to Dad.

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-His friends and family

-who loved him.

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-I want to understand why we find it

-so difficult to talk about suicide.

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-I feel quite nervous

-about what I'm doing.

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-Erm, I...

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-I sometimes think I'm making people

-or asking people to do something...

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-..they don't want to.

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-I'm asking them to talk about

-the fact...

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-..they don't like talking

-about something, which is odd.

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-Erm, it's also a very emotional

-experience.

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-I'm aware that...

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-Yes, it hurts me

-that we have to do this.

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-It's opening an old wound

-for friends and family, but...

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-..I know that what I'm doing

-is right.

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-Because if it prevents

-just one family...

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-..having to face

-what we're facing...

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-..I think it's worth doing.

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-It's important

-and so it's worth doing.

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-It's going to be difficult...

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-..and I sometimes wonder whether

-this is the best way to do things.

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-Hopefully, if people see this

-and think...

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-..I'll talk about how I feel

-rather than hide it...

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-..and they understand what

-the consequences can be...

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-..or the consequences...

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-..of killing yourself.

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-'Colleague.'

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-'Friend.'

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-I never thought he would

-take his own life.

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-No.

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-I was hoping he would get better.

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-And he didn't.

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-Ger Twm was at our sides

-throughout the illness...

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-..including the dark day

-when we took Dad...

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-..to Hergest Mental Health Unit.

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-They've both been friends

-as long as I can remember.

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-I was with him every Saturday

-for 23 years.

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-Every Saturday?

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-Every Saturday?

-

-Every Saturday and every holiday.

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-There were no holidays,

-were there?

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-That's the way it was.

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-That's the way it was.

-

-But...

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-..something went wrong.

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-Yes, something went wrong, Stephen.

-What it was, I don't know.

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-If your father could suffer,

-anyone can.

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-Isn't it?

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-That's what I think.

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-It's a very thin line, isn't it?

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-Very thin.

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-And we saw that.

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-And we saw that.

-

-We saw that.

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-And the line broke, didn't it?

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-He was angry with me.

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-He was angry with me.

-

-I know.

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-I remember taking him and he said,

-"You shouldn't have brought me."

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-To Hergest.

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-Yes, Hergest. He hated the place,

-didn't he?

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-Yes.

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-I saw Dad with an obsession

-about the shame.

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-Yes. With mental health,

-there's a stigma, isn't there?

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-Yes, but...

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-You know, we...

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-He was a man, for one thing,

-and a man...

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-..a proud and respectable man.

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-I'm sure a person like him

-with a mental illness...

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-..didn't belong in a place

-like that.

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-No, he didn't think so.

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-He didn't, did he?

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-He didn't, did he?

-

-But...

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-I sometimes think...

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-..and I haven't discussed this

-with lots of people...

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-..but the fact that he felt

-so ashamed...

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-..was one of the reasons

-he killed himself.

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-I'm sure he'd reached the end

-of his tether...

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-..and he couldn't see himself

-getting better, in a way.

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-That's what it was.

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-Yeah.

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-I don't know, Stephen.

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-It's...

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-There are questions that we

-can't answer, aren't there?

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-Yes.

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-No, it's a real pity.

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-One of the questions I had

-for someone like Geraint...

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-..from the same generation as Dad,

-a good friend...

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-..born and raised in this area...

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-..why do some people

-find it difficult...

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-..to talk about the way they feel?

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-And he made me realize,

-from Dad's perspective...

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-..that he felt ashamed and found

-it difficult to admit he was ill.

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-I hadn't thought about that before.

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-And maybe I can be too critical.

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-When Dad was ill, I'd say, "I don't

-understand why you feel ashamed...

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-.."I don't understand that."

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-Maybe I was at fault for not trying

-to be a bit more understanding.

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-I was aware that he felt ashamed

-and that he felt the stigma...

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-..but I couldn't understand why...

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-..because I don't see it myself.

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-But as Geraint said...

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-..I wouldn't feel ashamed

-going to Hergest now...

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-..but I don't know how I'd feel

-if I was suffering like Dad...

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-..because he was suffering.

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-I never want to suffer like that.

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-And because we haven't

-suffered ourselves...

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-..maybe it's difficult to imagine

-what Dad was going through.

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-So, I have benefited, and...

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-..moving forward, I hope I benefit

-from talking to other people too.

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-.

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-MELANCHOLIC MUSIC

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-Dad was a very amiable man.

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-I can't think of anyone nicer.

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-He enjoyed life,

-he enjoyed laughing.

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-He could talk to anyone.

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-Erm, if you were in

-a sociable group of people...

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-..he would be leading the fun

-and laughter.

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-He had his own chair

-that he liked to sit in.

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-He didn't like it if someone

-sat in his seat.

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-That would irritate him.

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-And, strangely,

-the night of his funeral...

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-..his friends came here

-to celebrate his life...

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-..and to remember him and they

-put a glass of whisky...

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-..on the table where Dad used

-to sit and a 'Reserved' sign.

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-Erm, I think that was a wonderful

-tribute to him.

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-He would have loved to have walked

-in and drunk the whisky that night.

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-And just to see what people

-thought of him.

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-The irony, of course,

-is that Dad loved coming here.

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-But when he became ill,

-he didn't want to come here.

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-That's ironic, considering

-how much he enjoyed coming here.

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-But he felt ashamed, he didn't want

-to show people that he was ill...

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-..he didn't want his friends

-to see him in that state.

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-And after years of having fun...

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-..sometimes it was hard to

-get him out of here...

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-..and then it was hard to make him

-come here, and that was strange.

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-Dad was a successful farmer

-and left a number of farms.

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-It's lambing season at the moment

-and everyone's shattered.

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-But Geraint shoulders

-the biggest burden.

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-Around six months after Dad died,

-Ger's best friend...

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-..who supported him after we

-lost Dad, also killed himself.

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-He's another of many

-in this small community...

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-..who have killed themselves

-over the last few years.

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-Suicide is rife in communities

-across the country...

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-..and we find it so difficult

-to talk about that.

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-'Nephew.'

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-'Shepherd.'

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-'Friend.'

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-I remember getting a phone call

-on the day...

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-..saying there was an air ambulance

-and an ambulance outside Bwchanan.

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-Erm, alarm bells started ringing

-straight away.

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-I knew Elfed wasn't well.

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-And she phoned back to say that

-Elfed had tried to kill himself.

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-And that the paramedics were

-working on him at the time.

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-She didn't know any more.

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-But... I knew.

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-Sorry.

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-Before a lambing night shift,

-which he'd do with Dad...

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-..Richard and I have a chat

-about that.

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-We're sitting in the caravan

-tonight...

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-..this is what Dad loved to do,

-isn't it?

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-Yes.

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-This is where he'd sit,

-in this corner.

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-He asked me to pass him everything

-to avoid getting up.

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-Yes, he sat in the corner knowing

-people would have to move for him.

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-You had to move

-to allow him to move.

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-"Don't be long."

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-"Don't be long."

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-I have days when I do struggle and

-then the next day's OK and then...

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-Yeah, yeah.

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-You're not the only one.

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-How do you...

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-How do you even try to,

-not just understand, but...

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-..because of what he did, it's

-impossible to accept, isn't it?

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-Yes. Erm, if someone...

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-..had called to say Elfed had died

-of a heart attack or something...

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-..I'd understand.

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-I would have understood that.

-Working so hard.

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-Working so hard.

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-But the phone call

-saying what had happened...

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-..I don't know, it's...

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-..hard to accept.

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-I remember the day after he died,

-I was on the farm...

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-..and there must have been

-around 60 people here...

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-..and I remember thinking, wow,

-you won't get this anywhere else.

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-It shows how popular he was.

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-Yes. And then the day

-of his funeral.

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-How many were there? About 800?

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-I think so. Think about that.

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-Yes.

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-Incredible.

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-We were in The Ring earlier.

-Dad loved going there.

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-That was the highlight of his day.

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-It was.

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-The Ring is a welcoming place.

-Everyone is so...

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-Goodness, yes,

-Everyone knows each other.

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-They look after each other.

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-And yet farming is such

-a lonely way of life.

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-They go there to discuss

-the things they've done...

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-..but men don't discuss

-their feelings.

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-I don't think that's the case.

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-You go to The Ring to switch off.

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-You didn't talk about work

-or the farm in The Ring.

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-It was just lots of laughter

-and leg pulling.

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-That's what I always thought.

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-I've never thought about it

-like that.

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-When I go to the pub I talk about,

-I don't know...

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-..my next holiday...

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-..my next holiday...

-

-Yes.

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-..or the Six Nations.

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-..or the Six Nations.

-

-Yes, it's completely different.

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-The Ring was the same.

-You went to switch off.

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-And lots of laughter.

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-Yeah.

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-And leg pulling.

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-No-one enjoyed that more than him.

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-No-one enjoyed that more than him.

-

-No.

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-Blimey.

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-I'll tell you one thing,

-it's very strange without him.

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-Mm. And sitting in this caravan

-is strange too.

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-We had chips on weekends.

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-It's just not the same.

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-Are you alright?

0:18:260:18:28

-Are you alright?

-

-Yes.

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-Do you know what though, Steve...

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-..he made me laugh.

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-There was a time

-I never thought I'd cry.

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-No, but he wouldn't want that.

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-He'd be angry with you now.

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-"Get on with it."

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-"Get up.

-Those sheep need tending to."

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-"Strap a pair on."

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-Yeah. Yeah.

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-Goodness me.

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-Do you know what,

-I've never seen so many men cry.

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-I think...

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-..although it's tragic and sad,

-it's a good thing.

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-Yes, I'm sure a lot more have

-than you think.

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-Mm.

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-That might be it.

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-People just don't want to show it.

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-They don't.

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-And yet I think I like to show

-my emotions...

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-..but I don't like crying

-in front of other people.

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-I'll cry in front of Mam or...

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-Yes, and we're all the same.

-We just don't do it...

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-Because maybe showing too much

-emotion, or you think...

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-..showing too much emotion

-makes you weak but it doesn't.

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-It shows that you're...

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-That you're human.

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-Goodness me.

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-MELANCHOLIC MUSIC

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-What Richard said about people

-not going to the pub...

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-..to talk about their problems

-or their work...

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-..they just go to have fun,

-I thought, yes.

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-When I go to the pub

-with my friends...

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-..or go for a coffee

-with a friend...

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-..I don't go to discuss

-the problems of this world...

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-..or work

-or how I feel emotionally...

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-..I go to socialize.

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-Are rural communities...

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-..despite being

-such tight-knit communities...

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-..and how valuable they are...

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-..are communities like that

-less prepared to talk openly...

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-..about their feelings?

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-My brother Sion

-has been pretty adamant...

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-..that he didn't want to

-take part...

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-..which is fair enough.

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-I've accepted that because he

-finds it very hard to discuss.

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-But he decided... he suggested

-tonight that he's been thinking...

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-..about what he'd like to say

-about what happened and that...

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-..it surprised me in a good way.

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-Erm...

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-..maybe we see that there's

-something positive...

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-..and a good reason for doing it.

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

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-MELANCHOLIC MUSIC

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-90% of the people

-who kill themselves...

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-..suffer from a mental health

-problem of some kind.

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-It doesn't care about age, race

-or background.

0:22:230:22:27

-It can affect anybody

-in any situation.

0:22:270:22:30

-But the figures show that

-there's a higher risk of suicide...

0:22:330:22:36

-..in rural areas.

0:22:370:22:38

-'Niece.'

0:22:520:22:54

-'Friend.'

0:22:550:22:59

-I remember walking through

-the door of the bungalow.

0:23:010:23:04

-Mam was looking out of the window.

0:23:040:23:06

-She turned around and said

-that Elfed had killed himself.

0:23:070:23:10

-It was just shock.

-I remember saying, "Is he dead?"

0:23:100:23:13

-What a silly question.

0:23:130:23:15

-I just couldn't believe it

-and it was surreal, to be honest.

0:23:150:23:19

-I never thought he would do that.

0:23:190:23:22

-Although the signs were there,

-I never thought he would.

0:23:220:23:27

-I couldn't believe that he'd gone.

0:23:270:23:30

-A farm girl

-and now a farmer's wife...

0:23:340:23:37

-..no-one knows this community

-better than Ann.

0:23:370:23:40

-You knew Dad.

0:23:440:23:46

-Oh, gosh, yes.

-We were really good mates.

0:23:460:23:49

-He was a strong character,

-wasn't he?

0:23:500:23:52

-Enthusiastic, full of confidence.

0:23:520:23:55

-I think he saw what was happening

-to him as a sign of weakness.

0:23:550:23:59

-I remember coming to Bwchanan.

-Mam said Elfed wasn't well.

0:24:000:24:03

-I'd been to an appointment

-and stopped at Bwchanan...

0:24:030:24:06

-..and spoke to your mother.

0:24:070:24:09

-He came to the house

-and it frightened me.

0:24:090:24:11

-He was turning in circles

-around the working tops.

0:24:120:24:15

-He didn't know what to do

-and he couldn't make decisions.

0:24:150:24:19

-Everything was wrong.

-Everything was against him.

0:24:190:24:22

-He was a shadow of the character

-he used to be.

0:24:220:24:25

-He looked at me...

-I was welling up.

0:24:250:24:28

-He said, "You want to cry,

-don't you?" I said, "Yes."

0:24:280:24:32

-He apologized and thanked us

-for being so nice to him.

0:24:320:24:35

-"You're nice to me.

-Why are you so nice to me?"

0:24:350:24:38

-He couldn't understand.

0:24:390:24:40

-He put his hand on my shoulder and

-said, "We were mates, weren't we?"

0:24:410:24:45

-You know, in the past tense,

-"We were mates."

0:24:450:24:48

-"We are mates. You'll get better."

0:24:480:24:51

-And we pleaded with him

-to go to Bangor.

0:24:510:24:54

-And we promised him, "They'll help

-you. They'll make you better."

0:24:550:24:58

-You know...

0:24:590:25:00

-You feel that guilt, don't you,

-that you pleaded and promised...

0:25:000:25:05

-..and then...

-you know what happened.

0:25:060:25:09

-We tried hard, didn't we?

0:25:110:25:13

-You did everything you could,

-didn't you?

0:25:130:25:16

-That's the thing.

0:25:160:25:18

-And, you know, the way he was at

-home, it was affecting everyone.

0:25:180:25:23

-Yes. We'd reached a point where...

0:25:230:25:25

-We didn't make the decision to

-take him to Bangor lightly.

0:25:270:25:30

-It was the right thing to do.

0:25:300:25:32

-It was the right thing to do.

-

-Definitely. It was.

0:25:320:25:34

-But it was such a big deal

-for us all.

0:25:340:25:37

-Goodness, yes.

0:25:380:25:39

-Because...

0:25:400:25:41

-I remember the first time

-we took him, the doctor said...

0:25:410:25:45

-..we had to leave him there and Mam

-and I said, no, we'd take him home.

0:25:450:25:49

-But we knew he really

-needed to be there.

0:25:490:25:52

-We still brought him home

-because we also knew...

0:25:520:25:55

-I'm part of the stigma, aren't I?

0:25:550:25:58

-I played my part in it.

0:25:580:26:00

-The thing I regret about Hergest

-is that we didn't take him sooner.

0:26:010:26:05

-We held back so much.

0:26:050:26:07

-You wanted to help him.

0:26:070:26:09

-But we didn't understand it. That's

-the thing. A lack of awareness.

0:26:090:26:14

-And it's a big step

-to take someone to Hergest.

0:26:140:26:17

-You're afraid, I think.

0:26:170:26:19

-You don't know what to expect

-the first time...

0:26:200:26:23

-..and you are afraid because you

-don't know what you'll face.

0:26:230:26:27

-You could see him looking,

-thinking, "Am I like that?"

0:26:280:26:31

-Yeah.

0:26:310:26:33

-That was quite tragic to watch,

-wasn't it?

0:26:330:26:37

-What sort of community

-do you think this is?

0:26:390:26:42

-I see a close-knit community...

0:26:430:26:45

-..but when it comes to talking

-about issues...

0:26:460:26:49

-Like this.

0:26:490:26:50

-..they'd tell each other

-to pull themselves together.

0:26:510:26:54

-Men who are farmers don't usually

-talk about their feelings.

0:26:540:26:58

-They don't talk at all, do they?

-Not about their feelings.

0:26:580:27:02

-Sion and Ger don't know whether

-they'll be able to...

0:27:020:27:05

-..do anything with me.

0:27:060:27:07

-I respect that. I understand.

0:27:080:27:10

-You know, it's difficult.

0:27:100:27:12

-I find it difficult.

0:27:130:27:15

-If you address the issue

-with any farmer...

0:27:150:27:18

-..you'd see the fear in their eyes

-having to talk about it.

0:27:180:27:21

-Again, like Dad.

0:27:220:27:23

-Which is sad, isn't it?

0:27:250:27:27

-You're not weak if you feel low.

0:27:280:27:30

-You're just ill.

0:27:300:27:32

-Yes, that's the perception,

-that you're weak.

0:27:320:27:35

-But it's not weakness, is it?

0:27:360:27:38

-It's an illness.

0:27:390:27:40

-We might have held on too long

-with Dad...

0:27:540:27:57

-..because of the stigma

-of going to get help.

0:27:570:28:01

-Erm...

0:28:010:28:03

-..that was a huge mistake

-on our part.

0:28:030:28:06

-We didn't know what to do,

-how to deal with it...

0:28:080:28:12

-..what to do with him,

-how to deal with him.

0:28:120:28:15

-There are specialists who do know

-what to do.

0:28:150:28:18

-They can try to help.

0:28:190:28:21

-'The GP.'

0:28:300:28:32

-'Friend.'

0:28:330:28:35

-Dad's illness came from nowhere,

-changing his behaviour completely.

0:28:380:28:42

-But mental health is different

-for everyone...

0:28:430:28:46

-..and too often people are afraid

-to ask for help...

0:28:460:28:49

-..until it's too late.

0:28:490:28:51

-75% of people who have

-killed themselves...

0:28:530:28:56

-..they don't see a doctor during

-the year leading up to it.

0:28:560:29:00

-They think one of the reasons for

-that is that they have a stigma...

0:29:000:29:04

-..against their own illness,

-if you understand what I'm saying.

0:29:040:29:08

-You're looking at the high-risk

-groups like middle-aged men...

0:29:080:29:12

-..older men, one of the reasons

-suicide is far higher among them...

0:29:130:29:17

-..is that they feel too ashamed to

-see a doctor or tell their family.

0:29:170:29:21

-And if someone can tell these

-people, tell your partner...

0:29:220:29:26

-..tell your friend, come and see

-your GP, because there is support.

0:29:270:29:31

-It's odd because if you had cancer

-or some sort of visible illness...

0:29:320:29:37

-..you wouldn't think twice

-before trying to seek treatment.

0:29:370:29:41

-I say this almost every day

-to a patient with depression.

0:29:420:29:45

-They say, "I don't want it

-on my doctor's papers.

0:29:450:29:48

-"I don't want tablets in case the

-pharmacist sees I have depression."

0:29:490:29:53

-I say, "If you had asthma,

-would you feel ashamed?

0:29:540:29:57

-"If you had diabetes,

-would you feel ashamed?"

0:29:570:30:00

-Mental health is like

-every other illness.

0:30:000:30:03

-There's a chemical change

-in the brain...

0:30:030:30:06

-..just like a chemical change

-in the lungs for asthma...

0:30:060:30:09

-..or the pancreas for diabetes.

-There's no difference.

0:30:090:30:13

-That's the important thing.

-There is help out there.

0:30:130:30:16

-Things are never as bleak

-as they seem.

0:30:170:30:20

-Erm...

0:30:210:30:22

-..but you can't help anyone unless

-they come and ask for that help.

0:30:230:30:27

-And it's so simple, in a way,

-to talk about it.

0:30:290:30:31

-Talk.

0:30:320:30:33

-A problem seems so extreme

-at two o'clock in the morning...

0:30:330:30:38

-..when you can't sleep.

0:30:390:30:40

-But if you discuss it

-with a professional...

0:30:410:30:43

-..and go through things,

-it might not be a problem.

0:30:440:30:47

-It's the way you look at

-the problem that's damaging.

0:30:470:30:51

-The problem itself

-can be relatively small.

0:30:510:30:54

-But without the support, without

-opening up, we won't get anywhere.

0:30:550:30:59

-Market day.

0:31:320:31:33

-This is a rare opportunity

-for farmers to socialize...

0:31:340:31:38

-..to have a quick chat,

-during their busy lives.

0:31:380:31:43

-And...

0:31:440:31:45

-..this is the community that Dad,

-these are the people that Dad...

0:31:450:31:49

-..this is the kind of person

-Dad was.

0:31:500:31:52

-A lot of them knew about someone

-who was suffering, had suffered...

0:31:570:32:01

-..and a lot of them knew someone

-who had killed themselves.

0:32:010:32:06

-Farmers, some of the them

-were young like Dad.

0:32:060:32:10

-And they all asked why.

0:32:110:32:13

-Hello. How are you?

0:32:170:32:19

-What are you doing?

0:32:200:32:22

-A programme about losing Dad...

0:32:220:32:24

-..and asking why there's a stigma

-around mental health...

0:32:250:32:28

-..and a sense of shame about it.

0:32:290:32:31

-That's what we're doing.

-Are you keeping well?

0:32:310:32:34

-Yes, very well, thank you.

0:32:340:32:36

-We're trying to break the stigma...

0:32:360:32:38

-..and why Dad felt ashamed

-about it.

0:32:400:32:43

-This is a chance for people

-to talk.

0:32:430:32:45

-You don't see anyone all week.

-You get to socialize and talk.

0:32:460:32:49

-It's important.

0:32:500:32:51

-It is important. You go home

-and don't see anyone all day.

0:32:510:32:55

-Or tomorrow or the day after.

0:32:560:32:58

-That's the problem with this

-industry. It's a lonely life.

0:32:580:33:01

-It is.

0:33:020:33:03

-Why are men...

0:33:170:33:18

-..of a certain age...

0:33:200:33:22

-..increasingly bringing

-their lives to an end?

0:33:220:33:25

-It kills more people than cancer.

0:33:250:33:28

-It kills more people

-than road accidents.

0:33:280:33:31

-And the only thing I can think of

-is that men in general...

0:33:310:33:37

-..are less likely to talk

-about their feelings.

0:33:370:33:40

-Is talking about your feelings

-less macho...

0:33:400:33:43

-..to some people?

0:33:440:33:45

-They obviously think that's true.

0:33:460:33:48

-A group of farmers today

-discussed mental health.

0:33:530:33:56

-They touched on the subject

-but I know mental health...

0:33:560:34:02

-..would not have been discussed

-if I wasn't here.

0:34:020:34:06

-Everyone I spoke to was prepared

-to talk about it...

0:34:060:34:11

-..and that has to be

-something positive.

0:34:110:34:14

-.

0:34:260:34:27

-Subtitles

0:34:290:34:29

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

0:34:290:34:31

-MELANCHOLIC MUSIC

0:34:330:34:35

-I'm feeling quite emotional

-this morning.

0:34:510:34:54

-We have...

0:35:110:35:12

-..days which are more difficult

-than others...

0:35:130:35:15

-..and today, for some reason,

-feels hard.

0:35:160:35:18

-He loved life...

0:35:250:35:27

-..he loved the community,

-he loved his family.

0:35:270:35:31

-That he then decided,

-as a result of his illness...

0:35:350:35:39

-..his illness forced him

-to end it all...

0:35:390:35:42

-..is something that we find

-very difficult to accept...

0:35:460:35:49

-..and to deal with.

0:35:490:35:51

-This is where we were raised...

0:35:530:35:56

-..this is where Dad worked...

0:35:570:36:00

-..and yet this is where Dad died...

0:36:000:36:02

-..in the most terrible way possible

-for us.

0:36:020:36:06

-And...

0:36:070:36:09

-..that's...

0:36:090:36:11

-We have to face that every day

-as well.

0:36:110:36:14

-Tomorrow, I'll escape

-back to Cardiff.

0:36:230:36:25

-Somehow, all the talk about

-talking over the last few days...

0:36:270:36:31

-..has influenced my brothers.

0:36:310:36:33

-Sion and Geraint have agreed

-to talk with me later tonight...

0:36:330:36:37

-..about Dad's suicide.

0:36:370:36:39

-I've never been

-a very religious person...

0:37:080:37:11

-..but what's happened has made me

-question even more...

0:37:110:37:14

-..whether such a thing exists.

0:37:150:37:17

-Maybe that's an inappropriate thing

-to say within chapel walls...

0:37:170:37:21

-..or in a cemetery, but this is

-where Dad is now, unfortunately.

0:37:210:37:26

-I...

0:37:270:37:29

-I have to come here because

-there is a strong connection...

0:37:290:37:33

-..and this is where other members

-of the family are buried.

0:37:340:37:37

-This was Dad's family chapel.

-This is where Dad was a member...

0:37:370:37:41

-..and although he, perhaps,

-wasn't an ardent member...

0:37:410:37:44

-..it's an important place

-in the family's history.

0:37:450:37:48

-ROAR OF FIGHTER JET

0:38:220:38:24

-Sometimes I want to tell Dad

-how angry I am...

0:38:380:38:43

-..sometimes, about what he did.

0:38:440:38:47

-And then, of course,

-I forget about that.

0:38:480:38:52

-I'm only angry for short periods,

-thank goodness.

0:38:520:38:56

-MELANCHOLIC MUSIC

0:38:580:39:00

-My intention is to try and prevent

-this from happening.

0:39:290:39:33

-We obviously won't stop it

-completely...

0:39:330:39:36

-..but we can reduce

-the number of cases.

0:39:360:39:39

-To think that, on average, someone

-does what Dad did every day.

0:39:390:39:44

-The result of that for the family

-is having to cope with it...

0:39:450:39:49

-..just like we've had to.

0:39:490:39:51

-We've had to live with it.

0:39:520:39:54

-You have to change the way

-you live.

0:39:540:39:57

-Family life is just shattered.

0:39:570:39:59

-That...

0:40:010:40:02

-..isn't right, that isn't right...

0:40:040:40:06

-..that a family goes through this

-every day in Wales.

0:40:060:40:10

-That just can't be right.

0:40:100:40:14

-'Sons.'

0:40:230:40:25

-'Friends.'

0:40:260:40:29

-It was a job today.

0:40:320:40:33

-It was a job today.

-

-It's turned colder today.

0:40:330:40:35

-Erm...

0:40:370:40:38

-I don't know where to start,

-really.

0:40:420:40:44

-I know...

0:40:490:40:50

-This is hard.

0:40:500:40:52

-Erm...

0:40:520:40:54

-I never thought you'd talk about

-it, to be honest, because...

0:40:580:41:02

-I still can't look at a photo

-of him or anything.

0:41:020:41:05

-We all deal with it differently,

-don't we?

0:41:060:41:08

-I think it's positive that

-you're willing to do this.

0:41:080:41:11

-I also appreciate it,

-and you, Ger.

0:41:120:41:15

-I was very aware that what I wanted

-people to do was a big ask.

0:41:150:41:20

-It was surprising that people

-were willing to do it.

0:41:200:41:24

-What also surprised me was...

0:41:240:41:27

-..that everyone said, I hope this

-is true, they benefitted from it.

0:41:270:41:31

-They felt it made a difference

-to them.

0:41:310:41:34

-I think the reason why people

-have opened up is that someone...

0:41:340:41:38

-..of Dad's stamp, in a way...

0:41:390:41:42

-..a man who'd worked hard...

0:41:420:41:45

-..a man who'd done everything, and

-he had suffered from this illness.

0:41:450:41:49

-Maybe that shocked people

-more than anything...

0:41:510:41:54

-..and that's why they wanted to...

0:41:540:41:57

-The stigma of mental health

-is old fashioned nowadays.

0:41:590:42:03

-Maybe if you suffered with mental

-health issues 50 years ago...

0:42:030:42:06

-..it was something to be

-ashamed of to some extent.

0:42:070:42:10

-I always used to connect

-mental health problems...

0:42:100:42:14

-..either they were an alcoholic...

0:42:140:42:16

-..or they'd come from

-a rough family from...

0:42:160:42:19

-..from somewhere.

0:42:200:42:21

-But for it to happen to an ordinary

-man from an ordinary family...

0:42:220:42:25

-..just a farmer...

0:42:260:42:27

-..just a farmer...

-

-Who'd worked hard.

0:42:270:42:29

-Who'd worked hard

-and just lost his mind.

0:42:290:42:31

-I thought there was an underlying

-issue with everyone at Hergest...

0:42:320:42:36

-There isn't.

0:42:360:42:37

-There isn't.

-

-No.

0:42:370:42:39

-But we now know that there

-isn't any reason for it.

0:42:390:42:44

-There's no specific reason.

0:42:440:42:46

-What would you tell someone,

-a 50-year-old man, a farmer...

0:42:460:42:50

-..from Machynlleth suffering

-with mental health issues?

0:42:500:42:54

-What would you tell him?

-Someone similar to Dad.

0:42:540:42:57

-A man who isn't likely to talk

-to his wife or children.

0:42:590:43:02

-What would you tell him today?

0:43:020:43:05

-There's no shame in it.

0:43:050:43:07

-One thing that sums up

-how ill Dad was...

0:43:120:43:16

-..you know he'd do anything...

0:43:170:43:19

-..for his sheep, his cattle,

-his land...

0:43:190:43:22

-..and to just leave all that.

0:43:230:43:26

-Just to leave it to me

-to make a mess of it.

0:43:260:43:30

-He must have been so...

-I don't know how to say it.

0:43:300:43:33

-He was willing to give it all up,

-wasn't he?

0:43:330:43:37

-Yes.

0:43:370:43:38

-I feel the same. A man who enjoyed

-life, who enjoyed working...

0:43:380:43:43

-..enjoyed everything, and he...

0:43:430:43:46

-Yes, he...

0:43:470:43:49

-He decided to,

-this is an odd term...

0:43:490:43:52

-..to give up on everything.

0:43:540:43:56

-That shows what this illness

-is like...

0:43:560:43:58

-..and the desperation of it all.

0:43:590:44:01

-The agricultural industry

-is a lonely one.

0:44:010:44:04

-I didn't realize and I didn't

-appreciate until Dad died...

0:44:060:44:09

-..how much work there is.

0:44:100:44:12

-Farming is much more than

-just the farming.

0:44:120:44:15

-You've got to run a business.

0:44:160:44:18

-You're almost the MD of a company

-on your own and it's a lot of work.

0:44:190:44:23

-It puts people under pressure.

0:44:230:44:25

-Yeah...

0:44:280:44:29

-I was 25....

-I was 25 when we lost Dad.

0:44:300:44:33

-I had a 600-acre farm

-on my hands.

0:44:360:44:39

-I often didn't know how much feed

-to give the sheep and cows...

0:44:390:44:43

-..and how many sheep

-should graze per acre.

0:44:430:44:46

-He was the one who knew.

0:44:460:44:48

-I didn't have a clue what to do,

-to some degree.

0:44:480:44:51

-I knew how to drive a tractor

-and a motorbike.

0:44:510:44:54

-It's a tough job.

0:44:570:44:58

-I can escape this place.

0:45:120:45:14

-You have to do this every day.

0:45:140:45:16

-It's not easy, is it?

0:45:180:45:20

-No, it isn't.

0:45:200:45:22

-But...

0:45:220:45:24

-..I think you're doing great work.

0:45:240:45:27

-I think you're successful.

0:45:270:45:29

-I know Dad would be angry

-about this.

0:45:290:45:31

-What do you think?

0:45:320:45:33

-About this? He'd be furious.

0:45:340:45:36

-He'd hit the roof

-that we're wasting time talking.

0:45:360:45:39

-He'd be furious that we're talking

-about him and his illness.

0:45:400:45:45

-It's because he didn't understand

-the illness.

0:45:450:45:48

-He couldn't even accept it

-let alone understand it.

0:45:480:45:52

-He was ashamed...

-he was ashamed of it.

0:45:520:45:55

-But there's no need to be ashamed.

0:45:570:46:00

-And that's why, even though I know

-Dad would be angry about this...

0:46:000:46:04

-..that's how I know...

0:46:040:46:06

-Dad was angry when we took him

-to the doctor...

0:46:060:46:09

-..when we took him to Hergest,

-but it was the right things to do.

0:46:090:46:13

-Even though I know Dad would be

-angry, it doesn't worry me...

0:46:130:46:17

-..because sometimes you have to

-do things people don't like...

0:46:170:46:20

-..for their own good.

0:46:210:46:22

-And this is for a greater good.

0:46:230:46:25

-I hope that he'd be proud,

-in an odd way...

0:46:270:46:31

-..that we're trying to help

-other people.

0:46:320:46:35

-I think in Dad's case,

-no doubt about it...

0:46:590:47:02

-..stigma killed Dad.

0:47:020:47:04

-And...

0:47:040:47:06

-..his illness to a large degree

-allowed him to do what he did.

0:47:080:47:12

-But the stigma killed him.

0:47:130:47:15

-I find myself being part

-of that stigma.

0:47:150:47:18

-I don't say that Dad

-committed suicide.

0:47:190:47:22

-I always say that Dad has died...

0:47:240:47:27

-..or Dad's gone...

0:47:270:47:29

-..or when what happened, happened.

0:47:290:47:32

-It's "that".

0:47:340:47:35

-It's the thing we never mention.

0:47:360:47:38

-Dad killed himself.

0:47:380:47:40

-When Dad committed suicide, when

-Elfed decided to commit suicide.

0:47:400:47:45

-We don't... I don't say it.

0:47:460:47:48

-I'm an inadvertent part

-of the stigma around it.

0:47:480:47:53

-And, like I said, I know it played

-a part in Dad's death...

0:47:530:47:58

-..and the hope is, as we raise

-awareness of the matter...

0:47:580:48:02

-..it will remove the stigma

-and we don't talk about "that"...

0:48:020:48:06

-..but we talk about the problem

-of suicides in Wales...

0:48:060:48:09

-..in Britain and around the world.

0:48:100:48:12

-It kills too many people.

0:48:120:48:14

-Too many families have to face

-what I'm going through...

0:48:140:48:17

-..what Mam's going through, what

-my brothers go through every day.

0:48:170:48:21

-It's not right.

0:48:210:48:23

-An expert on suicide told me...

0:48:230:48:26

-..that suicide is preventable.

0:48:280:48:30

-So why aren't we preventing it?

0:48:330:48:36

-In memory of Elfed.

0:48:540:48:56

-"The smile that never fades,

-the flame that never dims."

0:48:560:49:02

-S4C subtitles by Ericsson

0:49:230:49:26

-.

0:49:260:49:27

Stephen Hughes sy'n trafod hunanladdiad ei dad a pham ei bod hi mor anodd siarad am iechyd meddwl. Stephen Hughes talks about his father's suicide and the stigma of mental health issues.