Episode 3 All Roads Lead Home

-'Where are we?'

-That's west.

-That's south.

-That's west, that's north, so we've got to just...

'Well, we're lost.'

-We're getting nowhere.

-Yep.

'We've taken on the unusual challenge of finding our way round the country

-'with just nature as our guide.'

-I've never been more lost.

-Where's an oak tree, please?

'We've no maps.' I suggest we head that way.

-'No satnavs.'

-Oh, no. Just doing this isn't helping.

'And no compass.'

You will not look at that compass.

-'Instead, actor Stephen Mangan...'

-We're all going to die!

-'..presenter Sue Perkins...'

-Even our three minds aren't equivalent to one normal size mind.

'..and me, Alison Steadman...'

-Stand by. Right.

-HORN HONKS

-Oh, my God!

'..have all been learning to navigate the natural way.'

I think this must be the southwesterly path, cos of the wind.

'We've been taught by expert navigator Tristan Gooley.'

The sun is really important and we can use it as our compass.

Now, there are many, many ways we can use plants to help us find direction.

'And each of our journeys has a special connection to one of us.'

Crab fishing with my dad. You pick them up and have a little look at them.

'And in this programme, I'm leading the gang through Wales.'

You have arrived!

'And back to my beloved home town, Liverpool.'

'Our final journey takes us to the beautiful land of Wales.

'We'll be using the ancient skill of natural navigation.

'And so what better way to get to our starting point

'than a means of transport right out of the 19th century,

-'the Ffestiniog steam train?'

-That's it, thank you.

'It's the oldest independent railway company in the world,

'still running trains today.'

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

TRAIN HORN TOOTS

So here we are in North Wales.

And it's just amazing.

Gorgeous day, fantastic weather, very lucky.

And the scenery is just breathtaking.

And North Wales means a lot to me because I was brought up in Liverpool

and many of our days out were in North Wales because it's so easy to get to.

But we used to have great holidays and it's such a beautiful place,

so for me, it'll be nostalgic, but also, I'm going to places I haven't been before.

'Our journey begins at the end of the line in Blaenau Ffestiniog.

'From there, we head north to Llandudno and Great Orme.

'Then we go by boat, retracing the old ferry route to Liverpool.

'And then in Liverpool, we are set the extraordinary task

'of using nature alone to attempt to navigate our way around a city.'

We've got lots of mountains around

and lots of trees, which we didn't have in Ireland,

so it's going to be a different experience.

The thing about the natural navigation is, it just makes you look more.

I'm looking all the time, even on the train, I'm noticing lichen.

I've been christened now The Lady Of Lichen.

TRAIN HORN TOOTS

I've come to Wales a lot, but I've never actually seen it,

because every time we used to go, it was just stair rod rain.

And we never really got it as kids. We were like, "Why are we coming here?

"Why are we in a static caravan? Why is there a blizzard outside?" But I completely get it.

Now when I see it, I think, "Yeah, this is an amazing landscape".

I've never been on a steam train before, but I'm liking it.

It's a really relaxing way to arrive somewhere.

'So, leg one. Our natural navigator Tristan has designed a route for us to follow.

'Starting in Blaenau Ffestiniog,

'we have to navigate our way up into the Welsh hills.'

'We'll be trekking through part of this area's industrial history

'in search of the hidden entrance to the Cwmorthin Slate Mine.'

'With the whole landscape covered in slate debris,

'we've been warned there might not be much nature to go on.'

-OK, guys, welcome to Wales.

-Lovely to be in Wales. Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Right.

-Looks like the mountain hasn't been shaved.

-A mountain of slate.

-Big mountain flakes.

Doesn't look very stable. It looks like if you pulled the right piece, the whole lot would come down.

'The first landmark we need to find is a waterfall to the north.

'But which way is that?'

-I thought you said that big, flat rock there which is facing east. Ooh, look at that.

-What?

-That lone tree up there.

-Oh, yeah.

-What's it doing? What does it mean?

-Well, it's giving us some clues.

The clue is, don't plant trees up there, they won't survive.

Do you think that was an ill-fated attempt at an orchard?

"Top of the mountain, lone surviving tree, completely exposed.

"Gentle combing gives a clue." Well, we're a bit muddled about that. "Head north."

Well, if that's south, that's west, that's southwest.

You'd expect the comb to be... A gentle comb.

-The sun is there.

-Yeah.

-So we know that the sun is heading...

-If that's southwest, then north is there. Head north.

-That way.

So I presume this road bends round.

-We think. Unless we've got to go...

-Cos that definitely goes east.

-That definitely goes west.

-That's west. That's north. So we've got to just...

'Oh, for goodness sake! Two clues and we're still not sure.

'We haven't even set off in any direction, right or wrong.'

-The sheep are just laughing.

-Maybe it's further up.

-I think we should head up here.

-There's a big, flat rock.

'Yep, we thought we had the hang of this, but we really don't know which way to go.

'So we choose a path and take it.'

'As we head high into the hills, the going gets tough.

'It's steep, winding, and the slate gives way under foot.

'I'm exhausted already.'

-A little break?

-Sure.

-A little recovery break.

-There's a nice pool here.

Oh, look at that!

'On our left, as luck would have it, the waterfall mentioned in the guide.

'And it's not just a pretty sight. It could help us find our way.'

Rivers or streams are another one of those clues that won't give you direction

but you still need to stay tuned into what they're doing.

Because if you notice the way they're flowing,

and using other clues, you work out which direction that is,

then if a little bit later on you become disorientated and you come back to the same stream,

if you took note of which way it's flowing before and you come back to it,

there's a very good chance it'll still be pointing the same way for you. That marks the land for us.

'Because we're heading north, we now know this stream is flowing north to south.

-'It might come in handy later.'

-So it says go past the waterfall and then take a west turn.

-"Look for a path to the west. Follow path round."

-OK.

Well, that looks like a west-facing path to me.

Heading straight to the sun.

"At the gate, look for some large stones on the right."

Well, there's a big pile of them over there, there's some over there.

-That's one dilapidated gate.

-You are all over that countryside code.

"After the gate, look for some large stones on the right."

'Is Tristan having a laugh? There are rocks everywhere.'

Ah, there's some big ones coming up.

'Well, we found a big rock. But was is Tristan's rock?

'Who knows? This place is absolutely littered with them.'

This is certainly the most percussive walk we've been on.

Makes a really nice noise. A tinkling noise.

Sounds like a gin and tonic glass being refreshed

although that may hint at what's going on in my mind right now.

What sort of music are they going to play over this? Stereophonics?

-Shirley Bassey.

-Super Furry Animals.

-Tom Jones.

-Let's have a bit of Nessun Dorma over this.

-Ohh.

THEY HUM NESSUN DORMA

Due to budget cuts, we're now to provide our own soundtrack.

THEY HUM NESSUN DORMA Sweeping view!

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Pavarotti

THEY HUM NESSUN DORMA

-Ooh, that'd be lovely.

-A derelict house.

The irony is, it's missing a roof in the middle of roofing country.

-What does it say, Sue?

-"When you get to the derelict house on your right, head east."

-OK.

'We know the water's flowing north to south,

'so crossing the stream, we're confident we're heading east.'

'This gorgeous landscape is getting more rugged than a Welsh rugby player's chin.'

God, this is so stunning!

-Hey.

-God, look at that.

-That's nice.

-It's pretty epic, isn't it?

-I could plunge head-first into that.

Really beautiful. All it needs is a really good sweep

to clear up all this debris.

It's just...breathtaking,

in the true sense of the word breathtaking.

You come around the corner, you see all this slate piled I don't know how many feet

and it's just beautiful. It's... Ooh!

This is so beautiful, this place. It's so still and timeless and you look at the lake...

Already now, I'm not just seeing a lake, I'm noticing water patterns

and wind patterns and all that. And you cast your eye down and then you see this

and then you realise that nature was just perfect until mankind came along.

Sue, have you seen my Ribena bottle?

I think we'd better take that with us.

Keep Britain tidy.

That grass or whatever it is, reeds, it's beautiful, that way it's grown.

-It's grasses, yes.

-Yeah.

'No time for sightseeing. We need to find the hidden entrance to the mine

'somewhere in these slate mountains.'

There's a great bit of slate topiary here.

We've got some yellow stuff on this side.

'Then a lucky break.'

-There's spiders' webs up there. Millions of them.

-Ah!

That's incredible! There's absolutely loads of them shimmering on the northeast corner.

'Spiders showed us the way in Ireland

'and here are some more to help us again.'

Every spider in the world has decided to get out of the wind.

Basically, all this is is a spider windbreak,

this big pile of slate.

'Tristan has taught us that spiders usually spin their webs on the northeasterly side.

'We think we've got our bearings.'

Watch the fence.

'The mine must be close, but we're running out of clues and there's still no sign of it.

'Just tonnes and tonnes of slate.'

-Gordon Bennett.

-Up you go.

-Cheers.

-Hang on. You're all right.

-Cheers. Yep. Got it.

'If we've got this wrong, we'll have to go back and start again.

'Don't tell me we're up the wrong mountain.'

It's all gone a bit Scooby-Doo.

'Suddenly, there it is.'

My God! That is amazing!

'You can't see it until you're almost upon it.'

Ooh. Wow.

-You suddenly get an incredibly cold blast of air. That is glacial!

-Ooh!

-Really strong easterly.

-It's freezing!

-Just whistling through.

Oh, my God!

'We did it! A needle in a haystack.

'Or a mine in the middle of a mountain.'

'This place has been closed for 30 years and now looks pretty spooky.'

Ooh, it's intriguing, if not slightly frightening at the same time looking down.

'There are 50 miles of tunnels cut into the hills.

'The miners used to call this place "the slaughterhouse"

'due to its reputation for bad working conditions. It gives me the shivers.'

-I've got other things to do.

-She's very busy, isn't she?

-Ah, right.

'Time to head off. We've got a big day tomorrow.'

The Lady of Lichen has been summoned somewhere else.

-God, it's cold.

-She's happy in her fantasy world.

'The next day and a new challenge.

'But before we start the second leg of our Welsh journey,

'I'd really like to show Stephen and Sue a place with very fond memories for me.

'Swallow Falls near Betws-y-Coed.'

Wow.

There aren't many places like this.

And I think, as a child, coming here for the first time, it was that force of water,

that kind of excitement.

-How old were you when you first came here?

-Probably about nine.

-Would you come here every year?

-No.

We used to go to Llangollen, Llandudno.

Colwyn Bay was always a favourite, and Conwy.

Crab fishing with my dad. You used to get a line.

We never... It doesn't hurt the crabs.

They just bite onto a bit of bait with their pincers

and you pick them up, have a little look at them then let them go.

-Not catching them to eat them.

-No.

-You're just making them late for something.

'I loved coming here with my dad, but now I'm seeing it in a whole new way.'

Look over there. It's all white lichen, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-On the slate rock.

'Ahh. So what do we all take away from this idyllic scene? The charm, the beauty and positive vibes?

'No! We all start to figure out which way is north.'

So we sort of know that that's south.

Well, actually, that's in the east now, isn't it?

That's north. We can't stop.

-I can't stop.

-It's like a disease.

'Truly now we're all geeky navigators.'

'For the second leg, we're going from Betws-y-Coed

'to the seaside resort of Llandudno

'where I used to come on holiday as a little girl.'

'First we need to navigate in a westerly direction through woodland in search of a churchyard.'

So it says, "Start near post box".

-Yep.

-"Follow the southern path that bends west."

-Look at that view!

-God, look at those trees.

Having been tree-starved in Ireland but bog-rich, you've got this.

-All the lower ones are deciduous trees and all the ones on the top are conifers.

-Yeah.

-Loads of conifers over there.

-Yeah.

But it's the deciduous ones that give us the clues.

That's right. We love them. How green is my valley? Very green is the answer.

'There are plenty of trees in view,

'but there's a sign right under our noses.

'Or rather, just above our heads.'

-There's a sign that might give us a clue.

-Yes.

Every single day, all day, the sun, the wind and the water are leaving their mark all around us.

And here's quite a nice example. If you have a look at the two sides of this sign,

particularly the blue part,

-can you see they're not the same?

-No.

-Oh, right.

-It's bleached.

You leave something out in the sunlight, it loses its colour.

So that's just one more way of reading back to where the sun's been.

-Hello! Hello!

-Aha!

-So...

-That looks sun-bleached.

Bleached. Dark and foreboding.

Dark! And we've got a mossy lichen here

-that likes the moisture, haven't we?

-Indeed.

Plus, there's a really, really large golden ball shining in our face

-at around about lunchtime.

-Which means, Sue, tell us.

Which means follow it! SHE SINGS

-Southerly. And it bends west, which is good.

-And it bends west.

-So south going west.

-OK.

-Yeah, OK.

'Wow. I think we're getting good at this.'

This is not the Wales that you experienced as a child. Do you remember sunshine like this?

-I remember hot days sometimes, yeah.

-This is extraordinary.

-We didn't do these kind of walks.

There's a tick effect tree.

'Tristan told us about the tick effect.

'The branches grow thicker on the south side facing the sun.'

Ah, we're crossing the wobbly foot bridge imminently.

'On the other side of the bridge, there's the church we're looking for.'

Chain bridge.

-Bouncy bridge.

-Oh, it is bouncy.

-Oh, dear!

-No!

-Oh, dear!

'St Michael's is a 14th century church.

'It's the oldest building in Betws-y-Coed.

'The trees look ancient, too, and we want to see if we can work out their age using a Tristan trick.'

Didn't Tristan say something about if you measure the distance around in centimetres...

-You'll see how old it is.

-..the diameter of a tree, and divide by two, that's how old it is?

-Have you got a measure?

-Well, I could hug it.

Let's say... If you've got arms long enough to hug that, I'm saying you're half-chimpanzee.

-Or silverback.

-I might have to do a couple of hugs.

-We can have a guess.

-THEY LAUGH

-Stephen!

-OK.

-No.

-I've lost you, Stephen.

-And another half of me. So it's three of us and a half.

So I reckon it's about... I'm 1.8. There's three of us.

-Five and a half. So divide by two.

-500. So 250 years.

-It's probably about 300 years old.

-No fillers, no facelift. Still looks great.

-Still looks good.

-Looks better than I do!

I think it could do with a little bit of a bottom lift myself.

-Don't!

-Don't listen! You are lovely just the way you are!

-The way you are.

-Yeah.

'No time for tree-hugging. We've got to get going.'

-So...

-Hold on a minute.

-Hold on a cotton-picking minute. Niagara Falls.

-Angel Falls.

-Niagara Falls...

-Is...

-To the west.

-Due west, yeah.

-That makes sense.

Angel Falls is south.

-Southwest. That makes sense, cos it's down in South America.

-Yeah.

-Victoria Falls.

-Makes total sense, cos it's north, slightly...

-..northeast. East by northeast.

-Is it? You're going to Norway.

Yeah, but Victoria Falls is in...

-It's not in North America, is it?

-No, it's in Africa.

-It's in, er...

-It's in Africa. So that's pointing the wrong way.

-It should be pointing south.

-It's a long way round.

-Good job we're not a bird.

-Exactly! Imagine that!

-That's ruined my trip.

-We could be flying off there.

-But I was about to go there. That's my final destination.

-8,200km.

-Yeah.

-You get there and you go, "Hang on, I'm in Siberia!"

-The wrong place.

-I'm in a gulag.

'From Betws-y-Coed, it's full steam ahead for Llandudno.

'We've relocated to Bryn Pydew

'and our route out of town takes us north through dense woodland.

'From the woodland, we need to head northeast. And we know that tree stumps can give you a good clue.'

I'm doing empire pose on the tree stump.

-I'm doing an album cover for a new prog-rock outfit I've started up.

-OK.

-We've got to head northeast. OK.

-Northeast.

Four o'clock in the afternoon, the sun's in the southwest.

Away from the sun. That way.

-So...

-Let's rock.

-I tell you what, we're almost getting cocky now. You can use the tree stump!

If you come across a tree stump, take a second to have a good look.

What we find is that the heart of the tree

is not normally actually right in the middle of the tree.

Because trees grow more heavily on one side, on the southern side,

the trunk grows in a way that compensates

and the heart ends up being slightly closer to the southern edge of the tree.

But it's always quite a subtle effect.

Even if you can find it, it'll only be a couple of centimetres at best.

I'm going to divine the tree stump, which is something that the ancient witchy family of Perkins have done

since around about 2011.

Well, there's the centre. Is that the centre of the tree?

So the south side's got more rings on it, hasn't it?

Well, the thing is, it's in such a heavily wooded area,

-that I don't know whether that would hold true.

-The epicentre would be tilted

-towards the south.

-That is true.

The south. That's right, the south, which is over there,

-has heavier growth.

-So the ring, the central core of it,

is not right at the middle, it pushes towards south, where the weight is.

So this is thicker on this side to support the heavier weight on this side of the branches.

-Is it?

-You see, that's the centre of the tree there.

-Yeah.

So there's much more trunk on this side

and that's because all the heavy branches were on this side

-and it needed something to stop it falling over.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-That is good. I like that.

-That was good. Ringology.

I just made that up.

'These two are running rings round me. I wouldn't have got that.'

So we know which way we're going.

-But it's kind of nice to do it not from the sun.

-That's true.

Because, you know, you won't always have that as a guide.

-Particularly in Wales.

-Cheers.

-Great wood.

-You're so quick at this, Stephen. You go, bang, bang, sun's there, northwest.

-The sun is a bit of a...

-Yeah, but I think it was important to do it from a tree.

-The tree stump was the key there.

-I'm agreeing. But the sun makes it very easy.

"Enter field."

'We need to cross this field to get to our next clue. But there's an obstacle.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-This has now turned into an assault course.

Whoops.

-There's something over there.

-Cheers. Oh, my God.

-Are you good?

-Oh, my God!

-Hello.

-I think just stand still.

'And the obstacles keep coming.'

HORSE NEIGHS

So he's called his mate in.

-How many horses are lurking?

-He's not as shy.

-I think I'm heading towards the hedge.

-Yeah, me, too.

-I'll deal with them.

-And just stand still.

-I think they want us out of the field.

-I think they do.

HORSE NEIGHS They're saying, "Can you naturally navigate the hell out of here

-"otherwise I'm going to stampede."

-He's saying, "Go! Go! Just go!"

-Yeah.

OK! I'm going to head northeast out of here!

What's this contraption?

'Happy to make it out alive, we venture through a kissing gate

-'and into a garden of Eden.'

-Merci.

They've kept this as a designated meadow for wildlife, I guess.

Teeming, isn't it?

"When you come out of the flower field, use your sense of sound

"to hear the busy road to the southwest."

'So, where's the traffic coming from? We can't see a road,

'so for the first time, we've got to rely on our ears.'

-The sun is...

-Maybe heading more towards the west.

-What is it, about half four?

-Yeah.

-It'll be west at about six.

-The breeze is a sort of northwesterly today.

The road feels like it's over there, doesn't it?

-Unless that's...

-BIRD SQUAWKS

Buzzard. Did you hear it call?

Even the buzzard has identified us as dead meat.

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah, give them 20 minutes, they'll be ready.

He's thinking, "Right, carrion".

Well, head north. So the sun's going round.

Oh, God. Help me here.

-To set in the northwest.

-The sun is... It's about four, so the sun is southwest-ish.

-So north is...

-It'll soon be...

But the sound doesn't seem...

The wind's blowing this way, so the road can't be there,

because the sound would be blowing that... The sound... You know. It's...

-It's blowing the sound from there.

-The road sounds like it's in the north.

-It does.

-And that's definitely north.

-Yeah, that is north.

'This is hopeless. If we can't get this right, it'll be dark before we get to Llandudno.'

-That's definitely north, anyway.

-Yeah.

I feel like I'm in Little House On The Prairie.

-Ooh, it's nice and cool here.

-Normally it would be horrible to have a north wind,

but it's actually refreshing today.

-The sea!

-THEY CHEER

Oh, I do like to get lost beside the seaside.

-It's very hazy today, but you can see it.

-Ah, lovely!

-Hey, hey, hey.

-That's a sight.

Hey, hey, hey.

Wowwy.

-Lovely evening.

-Gorgeous.

It says here, "When you see Llandudno,

-"you have arrived!"

-That's Solihull.

That ain't no Solihull.

-Gorgeous.

-We did it! We're here!

-Well done.

-That haze on that sea. It's just a perfect day.

-Mm.

Well, I mean, it's great to be here, but it's not...

From this perspective, it's not the Llandudno that I know.

I know the promenade, Church Walk.

Everything's always much more Technicolor in the imagination, isn't it?

Yeah. In my mind, it's big white hotels

and gulls flying around and the mountain.

Well, this is wonderful. It's a beautiful evening, the weather couldn't be better.

The sea air, lots of memories of being here

with my parents, my cousins, my sisters,

and my own two boys, as well, when they were little.

And so it's just great to be here.

I haven't been here for about 25 years

and I'm actually wondering why, cos it's so beautiful. It really is stunning.

'After a hard day of natural navigating,

'there is no greater treat for me than spending the night in Llandudno.'

'A new day and we're leaving Llandudno to begin the third leg of our trip.'

So Church Walks here is where I stayed when I was nine with my mum and dad

-and it's one of these houses on the left.

-It's that one. There's a plaque saying Alison Steadman.

I don't know which one it was, but I remember it was great.

'First we take the tram up to a limestone headland called Great Orme.'

-Can we just...

-Can we board?

-Do we just get on and press go? Press the accelerator?

-Are the controls easy to work out?

-Are we going to be... No, we're not. Yes, we are. We're off.

-We're off!

-This does 0 to 60 in three days. It's like a knife through butter. And the same speed.

I think the first time I came on the tram, I was nine.

And then I brought my two boys here about 25 years ago.

And we all came on the tram, my parents, my sisters, my two boys

and it was very exciting for them.

I have to say, I've probably only been on two or three trams before

and this is terrific.

I mean, the G forces are messing with my head.

There's a cable car!

-Morning.

-Morning.

-Morning!

OK.

'From the summit of Great Orme, we have to navigate our way due north

'across the desolate landscape to a cafe on the far side.'

'We know this area is often blanketed in thick sea mist,

'so it could be a case of the blind leading the blind leading the spectacled.'

They take their golfing so seriously.

Can I have a bit of concentration, please?

'First, with no sun to go by, we've got to find another way to get our bearings.'

Ah. Church. Church.

Graveyard.

It's not just the church that's aligned west to east,

but all the gravestones, as well.

Traditionally, people were buried with their head at the western end and their feet at the eastern end

so that on the day on judgement when the dead shall rise,

everybody rose facing towards the right place.

But there is also a tradition

that the clergy would be buried the opposite way round.

The idea is that when the congregation rise and are facing east,

the priest can rise to be facing his congregation.

-Oh, yeah, there it is.

-Yep.

-OK.

-We should be able to get the east-west from there.

-We've got the east-west, we hope.

-So if we're...

-It's funny, wherever you go...

-"Turn into wind direction. Use clues to get bearings east and west."

OK, so east.

-East, west.

-The other way round.

So we're heading north and the wind's in our face.

And you can see that the gravestones are there, so that's east.

Cos when you leap up, when you're reborn,

-you face the promise land.

-You face east. Right.

-Poland.

-Exactly.

'We think we know the right direction,

'but before we head off into the wilderness, we just want to make sure.

The wood has lost all its varnish on this side.

On this side, it's... So that means it's getting a lot more sun on this side.

And this one in particular is really exposed and it's taken all the varnish off.

So that looks like this is south-facing.

This direction. Somewhere there seems to be north.

-Fancy that?

-Yep, let's do it.

See, that's a very westerly path.

Let's have a look.

-I don't know. It's hard to know where we are.

-"Check telegraph poles. Continue north, then west."

We did a sort of north. Whether we've already done the northwest

or whether we do it now... You can't go north from here.

'We settle on the direction we think is west.

'The next landmarks the guide tells us to look out for are some standing stones.

'But within minutes, this whole place is covered in thick fog.'

Moorland, mist, don't really know where we're going, what could possibly go wrong?

-No food, no water.

-Mm.

These look a bit like standing stones.

-Compressed. What was it? All the sea creatures.

-Compressed sea creatures.

And so it was Stephen who was the chosen one.

"On reaching the standing stones, head to the summit of the stones and use the clues you know

-"to continue west."

-The thing is, now you can barely see where the sea is.

-So you are actually...

-You are blind.

-..totally blind.

-I'm on the north-south-east-west side.

-Where do you think the summit is?

-Look at this.

There's loads of lichen this side and hardly any this side.

-So it's a west-favouring...

-North-favouring.

-North-favouring lichen, yeah.

We can see the wind still coming in.

Yeah, which is northwesterly, so...

I think... Hm.

-So what's the summit? Where's the summit, do we think? That?

-Yeah.

-I reckon this is the...

-I reckon that's the summit.

-..the summit.

-Yes, I think so.

-With the mist, you feel you could be in Scotland or...

-You feel you could be anywhere.

Apart from anywhere hot.

"Take it in turns to choose the path you take. At each junction, take the more westerly path."

OK. Who wants to go first?

We're all going to die. THEY LAUGH

If it's left up to me, it's over.

-Alison.

-Let me read it again.

-These are your people, this is your...

-Lead us.

-Lead us, please.

-Lead us, please. Please. Please help us.

-Princess of the moor.

-Only you know the lichen.

-And it came to pass that she did cry.

-Well, I would say this.

-OK.

-You are our leader. We're not even going to be dispute it.

-We're just going to do it.

-She's striding.

-Trust me, I don't know what I'm doing.

Never has the word purposeful been used more accurately.

We'll need torches in a minute.

Two paths diverged in the mist.

-This path, I'm deciding.

-OK.

-No, don't!

-What?

You're critical! You weren't critical with Alison.

I would've said OK if we'd gone that one.

-I'm going to go.

-If you want to go due east, that's fine.

THEY LAUGH This is my one chance at leadership and you've undermined it.

-No, it's a terrific choice.

-I feel...

I haven't got a clue. I've completely lost my sense of purpose and direction.

'The guide tells us to take the most westerly path at every junction.

'That will lead us to a road and refuge.'

-I'm hoping, at the end of this, there's a lovely cafe with a big urn of tea.

-Mm.

'But the place is criss-crossed with paths. This is a nightmare.'

I'm confused, totally confused now.

Well, the wind is coming straight into our faces.

And we thought the wind was west-northwest, if it hasn't changed, of course.

OK, going by the wind, and by...

..the way that the grass are moving, the grasses are moving, this way.

-I love it. I love the confidence.

-But inside just jelly.

-I love the decisiveness.

The inner monologue is, "I don't know what I am doing, please help me, please don't let me die alone, God."

'50 minutes later, we're lost.

'We could be going in circles, and in this mist, who can tell?'

I can hear the sea.

I'm worried we're getting quite close to the sea.

Shall I go first, in case I've made a terrible mistake and you'll know if I disappear.

It looks as though that path peters out down there.

-I'm going to... If this is my decision...

-Where are you?

-If this is my choice, I'm going to take this one.

-All right, then.

Oh, this is... I mean, I've never seen more forks ever!

This is our Lord Of The Flies moment, isn't it?

How long is this going to go on? This could go on for another two hours.

-Oh!

-Tarmac road!

-Yes! I see a road!

-Oh, my God, a road!

-Help us!

I don't think I've ever been so pleased to see tarmac.

I know, it's great to be in nature, but there's nothing like it.

Really, the sight of that road has filled my heart with joy.

'We've found the road home.'

'The road to salvation. Or, at least, to the cafe.'

-I notice they're hotter on one side than the other.

-The north side of these cakes is...

Well done! Well done!

-So, that's not a walk you would have done as a kid, I presume?

-No.

-No.

Unless your parents wanted to get rid of you, in which case...

Head out to the gorse. See you in an hour.

You know your parents want shot of you when they do that.

'Over tea, we look at some of the holiday brochures from the cafe's library.

'Some of them date back to my childhood.'

-That's the thing my dad always loved was mini golf, or...

-Pitch and putt.

..or pitch and putt, yeah. We used to play that a lot.

You can always guarantee at the seaside in England, a pitch and putt or a mini golf.

-That's one of the big ferry boats.

-That come from Liverpool?

-I'm pretty sure it was that size boat.

-What was the name of the one you came on?

I think St Tudno was one of them.

'We've got to get a move on, as Alison's hometown of Liverpool beckons.'

'Hearing her happy childhood memories has given Stephen and me an idea.'

'We're going to take Alison on a trip down memory lane

'by crossing from Llandudno to Liverpool by sea.'

-Well done.

-I'm sorry but my foot is stuck.

SHE LAUGHS The claw.

Well, the seat's lovely and dry.

-Sorry about the wet seat.

-It's all right. I've had a wet seat before.

-I'd rather stand. It's more Hawaii Five-0.

-Yeah.

MUSIC FROM HAWAII FIVE-0

'This isn't how I remember it at all.

'And now we've got to get on that thing.

'As a child, I used to get really excited on the ferry ride from Llandudno to Liverpool.

'I can remember it all so vividly.

'But today, it's not just my love of the sea that's missing.'

The ferry I used to know and love no longer happens.

Which is a shame because it would mean a lot more business for Llandudno as a resort.

And it was a lovely trip to do from Liverpool and it's sad that it's finished.

'I'm told I'm in charge and I take it all quite seriously and get very Captain Pugwash.

'Till I realise the auto-pilot's on.'

'Perhaps it's Sue's steering, but the crossing is getting rougher and rougher.'

I'd say if you're ever thinking of travelling from Llandudno to Liverpool,

you could do a lot worse than driving. Don't get a boat.

-Drive.

-SHE LAUGHS

'Not quite the treat for Alison we had in mind. But we do have one more up our sleeves.'

-BELL RINGS

-Oh, yay!

-Hi there. Thank you.

-Oh, yay!

As the Liverpool town crier, I'd like to give you a great welcome...

SHE SHOUTS: Thank you!

..to Alison Steadman, Sue Perkins, and Stephen Mangan.

Liverpool is best. I thank you!

I thank you! Now where do I get shoes like that?

'Ah, lovely Liverpool. Our final leg. I know it so well.'

-Hey, so this is where it began.

-Yes.

'But for the first time ever, we are going to try to naturally navigate through an urban environment.'

-That's south, isn't it?

-No, because they've got south going there.

'We're starting at St George's Hall, an integral part of the city's cultural and arts scene.

'Tristan has given us a series of clues that will lead us to our destination,

'which will remain a mystery until we get there.'

'Let's hope it's not back on that boat. But first, we need to find out which way is south.'

-It could be Rome.

-It could be.

-If it wasn't so freezing, it could be Rome. Right, OK.

"This is your last journey. As I'm sure you're aware, navigation uses nature to find your direction,

"but even in the city, it can be used effectively.

"This is St George's Hall.

-Tour guide.

-"Have a look at Victoria and Albert."

Now, that's Victoria.

-And that's Albert.

-I'm glad. I was always confused.

-Now, Queen...

-..of the Lichen. Lady Lichen.

-You can see them from here.

-They are covered.

-That one is really green on this side.

-Shall we look at the other side?

-Yeah.

Shall we look at Victoria's other cheek? ALISON LAUGHS

-Ah, look!

-It's the same as Albert.

This side is very dark.

-This side is...

-Whereas this side...

-The sun must be shining on here more.

-I presume that's the sun, isn't it?

You can even see the bottom bit is completely green.

Or is it lichen because it's north? That's the thing.

-Because these are bronsh. These are bronsh.

-Bronsh? Are you Dutch?

-Bronze statues.

-Oh, they're bronsh.

-They've oxidised, haven't they, and they do that in the sun?

In the sun!

'So it could be weathering, sunshine, or lichen.

'In other words, we have no idea. We need something else to lead us south.'

OK, well, let's prove this is south.

Are these lions telling us anything?

'The lions may not have much to say, but Tristan has told us that their appearance can speak volumes.'

Alison, could you have a look at both sides of this sign for me and tell me what you see?

-Er, it's all green on this side.

-Exactly, yeah.

-Green and sort of yellow.

-Yeah.

-Clean on that side...

-Nice and clean, isn't it?

-Clean on that side and green and sort of yellow.

The green is mostly algae, which is loving the moisture because the sun isn't getting there.

If the sun isn't getting there, it's a clue that that might be the northern side.

This side is getting lots of sun, it's drying it out regularly, the algae doesn't like dry surfaces.

So we've got quite a big difference between the two sides.

So it's pointing the way to a Roman villa that way.

But telling us south is that way and north is that way.

Look, on this side, they've got the greeny, and on this side,

-they haven't got any, so they're dry on this side.

-So this is south.

They're moist on this side so this has to be south.

-I love it! Come on!

-The leadership of Alison!

Hang on.

'The closer you look at your city, the more you see.

'It comes to light in a completely different way.

'There's so much I'd never noticed before.'

There's a park. What do the trees tell you?

-Well!

-Ah. Lovely tick effect. Bang in the middle of Liverpool.

-It's telling us our decision that that was south is...

-Pretty good, I think, yeah.

'So, even in the city, the sun affects the trees.

'And these are all heavier on the southern side.

'Taking our cue from them, we head south

'and discover our next clue set in stone.'

-East.

-Yeah, those trees...

South. It's completely wrong, this compass, isn't it?

-South is here, southwest is there.

-South is further round.

-Well.

-It's 90, well, about 60 degrees out.

-Yeah, I would say.

I don't think it's wrong. I honestly don't.

Mind you, we're only going from a statue, which is not that accurate.

-It's not that accurate.

-I like that you're defending the reputation of the council.

I can't believe they would get this wrong.

They do have instruments, whereas we just have some trees.

-We used the green on the side of a statue.

-A tree and we've used the side of a lion.

-So I would think...

-We've used a flank of Victoria's horse.

And we can't be wrong. That's scientifically proven.

-So, OK, so southwest is down there. Yeah.

-You think this is south?

So we think they are 45 degrees out.

I do anyway. 'You could say using the compass is cheating,

'but actually, it has just left us more confused.'

'In the next square, we have to head due south, but we now don't know which way that is.'

So, we think south is...

-We entered the square here.

-OK, well if the council's right, then south is there, which means north is there.

-The compass says south is that way, doesn't it?

-I thought it said it was more that way.

-We went...

-No, more that way.

-40...

-I think it's that way, south.

You mean, you think it really is that way?

-No, I think...

-Or...

-There's so many different versions now.

-Their south was that direction.

-No, their south was that direction.

-Yes, that direction. I go with Sue.

-Shall I go back and check?

-Check.

Meanwhile we'll stay like this. 'I sound confident, don't I? I'm not.

'This is difficult. Unlike the countryside, in the city, buildings block the view.

'We can't even see the trees now that originally indicated south.'

I definitely thought south was that way.

-Are you walking directly south?

-I come with news of south.

-Their compass is pointing there for south.

-OK.

'We need another clue that will help us find south.'

If you want to use mosses or lichens to find direction,

the golden rule is try not to use one on its own.

There's a real temptation, we all do it,

you see a moss or lichen and think, "That must be north or south".

But the best thing to do is pause and have a really good look around.

Let me show you an example. If we look at this roof up here,

can you see that nice, thick carpet of moss there?

The moss is loving it. That's a side of the roof that's staying wet.

But if we look in the opposite direction,

have a look up on this roof here and tell me what you see.

-No moss.

-And lichen.

-Golden lichen.

Golden lichens. So we go from a suspicion that that might be north-facing,

to feeling really quite confident about direction.

-So that is south.

-Yeah, no, that's definitely south.

What do you mean, "that's definitely south"? I thought that was what we were confused about.

-No, we have to go to the north side of... Oh no, we...

-This started off so well.

Look at the moss above the window sill. It's the north side. That's south, that's north.

Really? I didn't know it was moss. I thought it was some kind of paint effect.

-There's moss up here on this building.

-Ah, finally.

Yes. That's it. That's what it is. OK. Good. Let's get out of here before we change our mind again.

'So, using a combination of moss, trees and a dodgy compass, we head off in what we hope is south.'

'At the next junction, we need to head southeast. And I spot something in the distance.'

-It's a church!

-Hey!

-It's a church and we're looking right into the corner of it.

-So that would give us perfect east and west.

-So that is west because the altar is that end.

-Yeah. East.

-So that's west and we're heading southeast.

-Southeast.

-Perfect.

-Ah!

-I love it.

-How did it come to this.

Bold Street.

This used to be THE street in Liverpool when I was a child for exclusive shops.

There used to be a coffee shop on this street called Espresso Bongo or something.

-Oh!

-We used to come in, when it was frothy coffee for the first time in the 60s.

And they used to be in see-through Pyrex cups with the froth on the top.

I imagine you coming in going, "Hey, pussycat, bung me a hot java."

Me and my friend Pat used to come and have coffee. And we used to think we were just the bees knees.

-Frothy coffee.

-SHE LAUGHS

Like most industrial cities, all the buildings were all black with all the smoke.

This one hasn't been cleaned so you can still see all the soot.

When I was at school the fogs you used to get.

Truly you couldn't see your hand in front of your face sometimes.

We used to get sent home early because the fogs were so thick

-that as kids we couldn't get home.

-Wow.

'Perhaps the soot can help us find our way.'

"At the next more major junction look at the corner of the buildings to the southeast."

-So this is...

-We're heading east. So that corner.

-Oh! Pollution.

-Yeah, really blackened by it.

-Much worse on this side.

The prevailing wind would be bringing the soot constantly.

'The corner of this building is a massive clue.

'The prevailing winds in the UK are from the southwest.

'This means we can work out which way the soot is facing.'

'At the next junction we have to head north.'

'Alison thinks that a low wall might hold a clue.'

-Oh.

-Wait a minute. Look at all this moss.

-Moss.

-All that moss.

-Yeah.

'As before, the moss likes the northern side, and shows us which way to go.'

I have found moss. And I have found lichen.

-This is Moss Side, basically.

-It's Moss Side. Follow me.

-I'm not sure I can let that gag go.

-SUE LAUGHS

'As we head north, I have an inkling where we are heading.'

-"Keep walking until you find the theatre."

-Hope Street.

-What's on Hope Street?

-We're going to find the Everyman.

-We can smell a theatre.

-Yeah.

-I can smell the grease paint.

-We can smell it from a mile off.

-Hey! So this is where it began.

-Yes.

-I wonder if they've finished building it yet.

So how long has it been since you were last back here?

Oh, years and years. I was here in 1971. 71, 72.

'Like navigational bloodhounds, we've reached our destination. Success!

'We've passed our final challenge and have managed to naturally navigate around a city.'

-God, this is so weird. It's...

-Do you remember it?

It looks like it's been here for at least 40 years.

'Being here brings back so many memories.

'I first performed at the Everyman Theatre in the early 70s.

'This was such a vibrant and fun place to be.

'It was also invaluable for me as a young actress

'as it was here that I learnt such a lot.'

-Oh, wow! It's all on one level.

-Great.

Well, here we are.

Again, this has been changed since I was here, but some of it is the same.

-Was it in the surround when you came still?

-It was.

But we had a stage, you know, it was a separate...

God, it's weird, isn't it?

-I don't know.

-So, there was a rostrum here and sort of...

-Yeah.

-Yeah, because it was a cinema...

-Oh, was it?

-..before it was a theatre.

-Hello. I promise we're not trespassing.

-Oh, my God!

It's Dave and Paddy. Oh, my God! How are you?

-How brilliant to see you.

-Nice to see you.

-Hello, Dave.

I didn't know this was going to happen.

-I'm all overcome now.

-Are you?

'Paddy and Dave ran the Everyman bistro. It was open after the show till late,

'and I used to go there virtually every night for a meal and a drink.'

I'm not just saying this, one of the best things about being here was these two guys in the bistro,

it was a wonderful bar, there was food, it was always good, it was always freshly-cooked.

And it was a really good atmosphere. I'm not being kind, it's true.

But it was great, it was...

'A perfect end to our trip through Wales and Liverpool.'

I was very proud of my city and proud to show it off.

It was fascinating to walk through a city and actually open your eyes to what's around you.

And I realised that I don't normally do that.

It's a shame because if you're not aware of where you are, you're not really there.

I think, for me anyway, what this has been about is the more you can locate yourself somewhere,

the greater chance you have of being utterly lost in the sheer wonderment of it all.

-But Wales was good, wasn't it?

-I can't wait to go back there.

-It was jaw-droppingly stunning.

-It made me want to go back.

'Natural navigation has been our guide every step of the way.

'And it's changed the way each of us now sees our homelands, through Sue's beloved Cornwall...'

I know how everything has worked, geographically, geologically, environmentally, on the way here.

And I never would have done that before. Never would have stopped to notice anything.

This has been about the journey and experiencing the journey. It's not about the end goal.

'And it was natural navigation that led us through Stephen's family homeland in Ireland.'

I'm really delighted to be able to bring the other two here and show them what a special place it is.

A real strong sense of belonging to this area.

'It has been such an eye-opener for all of us.'

You have arrived.

I've been looking at things in a completely different way.

Observing every tree, every colour of a rock,

and suddenly you're very aware of just everything around you.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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