Episode 1 Best of Top Gear

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening! Hello! Hello, everybody!

Thank you so much, thank you.

Now...

we start tonight with the big one, the all-new,

all British McLaren MP4-12C, and there are two questions -

one, why have they named it after a fax machine?

-LAUGHTER

-And two -

how can it possibly be as good as a Ferrari 458?

McLaren themselves admit that the 458 is a great car.

But they say that scientifically and mathematically, they can prove

that in every single measurable way, their new car is better.

Well, certainly, at £168,000,

it is a tiny bit... I was going to say cheaper,

let's say less expensive, than the Ferrari.

It's also a tiny bit kinder to the environment,

a tiny bit lighter, a tiny bit more economical.

It's also quite a lot more powerful.

The Ferrari has to make do with just 562 horsepower.

Whereas the twin turbocharged 3.8-litre V8 in this

churns out 592.

The result is simple - 0-60 takes 3.1 seconds.

The top speed is 205.

And though it's close,

the Ferrari cannot live with that.

And it's a similar story when the going gets twisty.

I love that Ferrari, and it is as quick round here as it an Enzo.

But I think this is quicker still.

Ferrari has been in the Formula 1 game longer than anybody,

but McLaren, amazingly, has a higher hit rate.

They've won one in every four Grand Prix they've ever entered,

which shows they certainly know how to make a car go round a corner.

And my god, they've worked their magic with this.

You can see the Ferrari waggling its tail there. This isn't.

This grips onto the road like a terrified toddler

grips onto its mother's hand.

So, Lewis Hamilton, watch and learn, this is how you pass a Ferrari...

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

..without crashing into it. Oh, yes!

One of the reasons the McLaren is so fast

is its traction control system.

A system that really comes into its own in the rain.

It lets you drive hard, but it won't let you kill yourself.

And that is just the tip of a technological iceberg.

There's a flap on the back which raises when you brake hard -

so you can't see what's about to crash into the back of you.

And then we get to the suspension -

a computer has replaced the anti-roll bar,

so all four wheels are truly independent of one another.

This gives you better cornering, and more importantly, a better ride.

Over the years, we've seen the Stig cutting this corner,

putting two wheels on the grass to get the best possible lap times.

But if you ride a bump like that in the sort of hunkered-down,

firmed-up cars that he drives...

..the jolt is horrific, it's like being dipped in liquid nitrogen

and then hit with a hammer, you just sort of shatter.

In the McLaren, though, it's a very different experience.

Here we go, two wheels off the track.

You'd get more of a jolt if you

drove a Rolls-Royce over a Jaffa cake.

I've never driven a supercar that's even half as comfortable as this.

Or as well-trimmed.

It's all exquisite leather and stitching and beautiful graphics.

It's simple, elegant, a truly lovely place to sit.

So, yes, in every scientific and mathematical way,

this is better than a Ferrari 458.

It'll even do 30 miles to the gallon.

But there's something missing, something that can't be

measured, something you can't really put your finger on.

There's no...zing.

This is the factory where the McLaren is made.

It's like a laboratory.

It's quiet, ordered, a magnesium and titanium Trappist world,

where perfection isn't quite good enough.

It's very nice, but you can't imagine anyone here has ever

put a whoopee cushion on the managing director's chair.

You sense this lack of joy when you're behind the wheel.

When you drive a Lamborghini, it's like you're operating a horse,

with some mustard stuck up its bottom.

But when you drive this,

it's like you're operating the sort of machine they use I imagine

in ophthalmic surgery.

We see the same problem with the way the McLaren looks.

There's nothing wrong with it, but there's no art.

You get the sense it was styled by software and shaped by science -

which it probably was.

I'll give you another example - you can turn the traction control off,

but it would be easier to launch the missiles from a nuclear submarine.

You've to push that button, and hold it down for 10 seconds,

then you push those two simultaneously.

I said to one of the engineers, why does it have to be so complicated?

And he said, "Why would you want to turn the traction control off?

I said, "It would be fun." And you could see him thinking,

"Mmm, fun - I must look that up in a dictionary.

The McLaren, then, is like a pair of tights - very practical

and very sensible.

The Ferrari, though - that is a pair of stockings.

APPLAUSE

-What?

-What are you on about?

Well, tights and stockings are designed to do exactly the same job.

-Mmm.

-But they don't.

I don't know, I only wear socks, Jeremy.

Can we just move on from the hosiery, chaps, back to the car?

-Is the ride really that good?

-Like a Rolls-Royce - unbelievably smooth.

And do you know why? Wasn't developed at the Nurburgring!

-He's off again.

-True fact, true fact.

Was developed, actually, at the Top Gear test track, this car.

So, it should be able to set a blisteringly fast lap time.

To find out, we have to give it to our tame racing driver.

Some say that he refuses to acknowledge

the existence of Nottinghamshire.

And that he recently had a strong e-mail from his fiancee's mother,

saying it's bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet.

All we know is, he's called The Stig!

APPLAUSE

And it's off.

MP4-12C may sound like a fax machine, but this car is fast,

no doubt about that.

Double clutch gearbox shifting seamlessly,

going through the first corner.

No dramas whatsoever!

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by Abba

Stig listening to Abba in Spanish, very weird!

Almost as weird as the way it takes Chicago - strangely calm, that.

Squirrely under braking into Hammerhead.

Now, the mute of the corner.

And it's really gained its composure completely.

McLaren have actually been fiddling with the car since I drove it,

so the ones you buy will have a sharper throttle.

-"DANCING QUEEN" PLAYS

-And more noise, OK.

A chance to really open up the twin turbo V8.

How much is he going to clip the corner?

Not a lot, but he won't have felt a thing.

Just two corners to go now.

Air brake helping out there, tyres squealing. Only Gambon left!

Millimetrically perfect!

And here he is, across the line!

APPLAUSE

Now...

OK!

Here is the Ferrari 458.

The Ferrari Enzo...

The MP4-12C, 1:16.2!

It is the second fastest car we've ever had here!

Now, on Top Gear, we love hot hatchbacks.

The idea of a sporty car and a practical car

all rolled into one is hugely appealing.

Yes. But while we all agree that hot hatchbacks are brilliant,

we cannot agree on which one is best.

So, the producers decided we should sort this out

on a European road trip, beginning in the Italian town of Lucca,

which is in Italy.

LAUGHTER

OPERA PLAYS

I was the first to arrive, and as you can see,

my choice was superb.

This is a Citroen DS3 Racing,

and it does everything a hot hatchback should.

It is bonkers to look at, and with 204 horsepower under the bonnet,

it's bonkers to drive as well.

But it still has back seats that fold down, it's still small,

it's relatively inexpensive, it's...

Ah! It seems Mr May has arrived

in a driving instructor's car.

This...is a Renault Clio, but

it's the Cup version.

And it is, pound for pound,

the most exciting car on sale - not my words,

not mine - the words of Autocar magazine.

-Autocar?

-Yes.

-The magazine that sacked you?

-Yes.

I could point out that it's £16,000 and yours is what, 23?

Where's your air con, cruise control, sat nav...?

-It's got air con.

-It's an optional extra!

-And it's been selected!

-What is it, 197 horsepower?

-Yeah.

-204.

-That's very nearly as much power as yours.

-In the same way

that the Egyptian Army is nearly as powerful as the American Army.

'Mercifully, at this point, Hammond arrived...

'..in a car from the 1950s.'

Gentlemen, behold! The Fiat 500 Abarth Convertible!

-The best hot hatch ever.

-Apart from a couple of things - one,

it's not very hot, and two, it's not a hatchback.

-I'm with him.

-It is hot. This one has got 158 brake horsepower.

Wow!

Just a couple of things - small, yes it is.

-What have you...? This is enormous, the Clio.

-Yes.

You've brought one of those ridiculously gaudy training shoes

with springs at the back, that go, look at me!

Have you seen the writing?!

This would look good on the deck of a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier.

We're not on the deck of a Nimitz-class,

we're in a beautiful Italian plaza.

-You know what this is?

-What?

-Juvenile.

-Juvenile?!

-I have to say, one thing...

-Juvenile!

This is just a small French car!

-It has an optional extra on it.

-Air conditioning, yes.

-Something else.

Ah, yes. No... I didn't do... I...

What this means in Italian is, "Bell end."

James, just a headline to sum up the cars.

Magnificent, ridiculous... (It's a bit boring, bland.)

It might look boring... It isn't boring because... What are these cars about?

They are about the sensation of driving, and this will give it to me because it's a small Renault

-and they're the best in the world at that.

-It's about fun and experience. It looks magnificent.

-Looks?!

-You can put the roof back...

-But it isn't a hatchback.

It's like turning up to do the Grand National on a cow or a hen.

It's not!

'Seeing that this was going nowhere, the producer stepped in with a challenge.'

-This is a no-brainer.

-A man with a thing...

"To see which of your cars works best in the urban environment,

"you will now leave the city of Lucca."

Is that it?

< Yep.

What, just drive out of a town? How hard can that be?

As it turned out, very hard,

because in this medieval walled city, the streets were a complete maze.

Now, I think a left here. Oh, I can't go down there.

I can't go left.

Right, but it doesn't matter too much.

I'll just go along here and then turn right.

Ah, no, there isn't a right. It's just somebody's drive.

I HAVE to go left.

One way. Really?! You don't say(!)

JEREMY LAUGHS

Every single turn you make puts you in exactly the same road as the one you've just left.

Also, in any other city, the Renault and the Citroen would be considered quite small.

Cock.

But here, they were huge.

And...breathe in.

Bloody hell.

That's a squeeze.

No, it's not going to fit. Sorry.

Since when did the Renault Clio become an enormous car with a huge turning circle?

Happily, the Fiat was small enough, but I had another problem.

This just isn't working.

The visibility in the C version with the sliding roof,

with the roof back, is, you know, it's good compared to, say,

having a bag on your head or being blind.

Eventually, I decided the best thing was to abandon ship.

Right, I'm leaving the car here. I'm going to go ahead on foot.

I know I can make it on foot, find the way out, come back, pick up the car, drive out and win.

This...this must be James's idea of hell.

He gets lost in a hotel.

That was a curve in that road which was essentially a right,

but now I've gone to the left, so I must still be going the right way.

Driving through somebody's restaurant.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Hang on a minute...

Is this... Is this the square where I started?

Yes, it is.

Hang on.

That... That's the wall.

That's the city wall.

I've found it! There it is!

A bit of a hill. Wasn't expecting that. Never mind.

Er...

No, it's that way.

Gearbox works.

Reverse, first, both good.

Meanwhile...

I think that ramp may have been a bit of a mistake,

because the view from here and the view over that way of trees

suggests I am actually on top of the wall. Still, could be worse.

Hi.

MAN SPEAKS ITALIAN Yeah!

Have you seen a Fiat, a small black and white Fiat... on your travels?

Nothing to see here.

Just a man driving on top of a historic monument.

Eventually, I found my car and the way back to the city wall.

That's the first time since I left that I've gone fast enough to activate the central locking.

But outside the city gates, Professor Smug was already there.

Yes, there's no missing it, is there?

A man standing next to a child's training shoe.

Did you see Lord Lucan(?)

-No.

-Oh, he's there. Shergar.

They're all in there.

'Even though James wasn't with us, another challenge then turned up.'

RICHARD CLEARS HIS THROAT Right.

"You will now drive to the town of Canelli,

"which is 170 miles away, near Alba.

"En route, you must collect the following items.

"A branch of a cedar tree, ice cubes, a photo of as many people as you can getting into your car,

"a CD from a service station - but you may not get out of your car to get it -

"a bicycle, a vine and a dog."

A dog?!

A vine? A bicycle?

-Whereabouts on the Riviera are you going to find...?

-And a branch of a cedar tree...

-Oi!

-May!

Yeah?

-What are you doing up there?

-I can't find the way down.

After the idiot explained his predicament, we filled him in on our new challenge.

Dog?!

-That's what I said, "A dog"!

-What's the point of that?

It's to see how practical the car is.

Well, off you go, then.

So we did.

Autostrada, here we go.

And as we headed north, we fell even more in love with our cars.

If you have a big BMW or Mercedes, it's like an expensive suit,

so it has to be a sober colour - silver, black, grey.

But if you have a hot hatch, it's like a T-shirt.

It can be anything you want - have writing on it, it can be orange, anything.

That's why the DS3 Racing is so brilliant,

they've just taken the idea of fun and gone mad with it.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Fizzy little car.

RICHARD CHUCKLES

Just setting my cruise control, Hammond - are you able to do that?

Sorry, it's a bit windy in here. I'm just going to close my roof.

Have you closed yours already? Oh, you can't open it!

In all fairness, the Fiat and the Citroen are very similarly equipped.

There are more things on the Citroen, but this has everything you need.

Operate the stereo from the steering wheel, electric windows, electric roof that opens. Ha-ha(!)

Meanwhile, very far behind, Captain Sense Of Direction

had finally found a way out of Lucca.

Bursting out into the sunlight...now.

I don't doubt that the others will be bleating on

about how they have sat nav or leather upholstery, or whatever. But that's not the point.

Renault has concentrated on the things that make this a hot hatch rather than just a hatchback.

So your money goes on the engine, this lovely steering wheel, this fabulous gear change.

You get a dull interior. It is very boring, very basic.

But I want this car to drive.

Soon, we were in the hills and ready to start our challenge.

A bicycle, dog.

What else have we got? Ice cube. Get that near the end or it'll melt.

I'm going to pull in here

and attempt to buy a CD without getting out of the car.

Branch of a cedar tree...

A vine.

To make life harder, the producers hadn't given us any money to buy things.

Fortunately, production has supplied me with some potential bartering items.

I have a CD here of Robson & Jerome's love songs, and I've also got this one, the...

A Cockney Christmas With Chas & Dave.

-Do you speak English?

-A little bit.

Er... I may not get out of the car. Chas & Dave - molto populare Inglese...er...

-I don't understand.

-..pop group.

BELL RINGS OUT

Can you go really far? Really far. Good, good, good.

There's three in the front right away.

OK, let's go.

Suspension's gone down a bit. That's ten.

In we go. Oh, thank you, madam, for helping.

Right, I reckon we'll get another four in the front. Oh, cyclist! You'll be thin.

Skinny as a stick. Yes!

Scusi, signora.

It's his bottom. You've got his bottom in your face there.

12.

13.

It's the 13th.

That is 13 people in a Citroen DS3 Racing.

Beat that, Hammond. Beat that, May.

14. Count 'em up!

Oh, that is magnificent. That's for Italy.

If I just do one for Italy, for Fiat. Ya-ha! We're all excited.

Er...

Chas & Dave?

Robson e Jerome? Molto bene.

Since we had to be at the finishing point by six

and there were bonus points for getting there first, it became a very busy afternoon.

Yes, that's a vineyard.

TRANSLATION:

No, the CD, OK? In the shop?

Um, I'm a scientist

and I'm investigating the possible medicinal healing qualities of vines.

Now, I am able to offer you in part exchange

-this commemorative plate.

-MAN GUFFAWS

-This! The swap.

-OK...

-For a vine...

-Si.

-I can give you molto valuable Wills and Kate souvenir wedding bell.

-Ah, OK.

MUSIC PLAYS

That is a good stereo.

Can I just clarify, I'm not looking for bicycles to steal.

Anyway, there's a policeman there. But it's a policeman on a bicycle.

There you go. Off-roading.

Oh! Is that a cedar tree?

-Citroen - pfff! Renault - ha! Fiat...

-Fiat.

Ha! Better.

-Very, very good, Fiat.

-Yes, exactly.

To show very good - bicycle in it.

It's a police bike in a Fiat, it's just better!

Hang on.

I'm so hot.

HE GASPS

How am I going to get a bicycle in here as well?

Grazie.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

-You don't have police dogs, do you?

-Eh?

-No, never mind.

Oh, God! It smells terrible.

There were now just 20 minutes left

in which to scavenge our remaining items.

I've got to get a cube of ice. Not difficult.

A dog...

How do you scavenge a dog?

Come on. Come on.

Right, the final thing, ice.

Thank you so much for doing this.

You are so kind. Tres gentil.

Could you just stay here? I have to get an ice cube.

-SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN

-Uno minuto.

-OK.

Really got to hurry now. It's melting.

Come on.

Quicker, little Citroen.

Have you ever been in a car with a tree growing out of the back, Theo?

Probably not.

James, too, had found a dog,

but sadly his speed was limited by his ice cube transportation system.

Which meant there was plenty of time for conversation.

I like dogs and cats.

I've just got a wet seat.

That doesn't count.

There's one left.

-SCRAPING

-Sorry about the noise. It's the tree dragging on the road.

My ice cube is melting.

It's very pretty here, isn't it?

Now, come on. Don't melt.

Coming through.

-SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN

-Huh? Oh, it's there.

-THUD!

-Ooh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, no!

-Er, that's...

-OK, yes.

-That's an actual person.

-Yes, yes. First of all, well done, Hammond. Well done, well done.

That's ice, as is that.

-As is that.

-Yes, it is.

-Where's your dog? It's not a dog.

-Yes, it is.

-What this is, it's an acrylic fur stuffed with industrial waste.

-That's no way to talk about a dog.

Yes, it is. Do you think this is a dog, dog?

Look at that. That's proof enough for me! You can have that, little friend.

James arrived just as the last of his ice cubes melted.

-Good evening.

-Good evening.

-This is Francesca.

-Hello, Francesca.

-Francesca, this is Jeremy and Richard.

-Let me guess.

-Christ, has he made you pregnant?

-No.

-No.

-You work fast, mate!

Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

Over the years, we've had many guests on this programme.

All different sorts. Men, women,

Americans, Germans.

A lesbian.

LAUGHTER

We've never had a Canadian, though.

That, however, is ABOOT to change.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ryan Reynolds!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, sir! How are you?

-I'm very well, how are you?

I'm very well, thank you.

Hi, everybody. Hello, hello.

CHEERING

-Hello!

-Have a seat.

-I'd love to.

-Have a seat.

-It's like looking in a mirror!

-It really is!

-It really is!

-Not for you!

So, 2010, you were voted the sexiest man alive.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

That was 2010, though!

I'm on the lecture circuit now!

I was just thinking, your schooldays,

were they just a blizzard of snogging and smooth moves?

No, it wasn't that. I was a bit of a little pariah at school.

I have three older brothers,

all of whom were kicked out of this very same school,

so from the moment I got there, I was a marked man.

What were they kicked out for?

Just random things. Just mostly drugs and violence.

OK!

And I was kicked out for something I think you'd appreciate.

I was kicked out for stealing a car.

-Stealing a car?

-But wait, I didn't actually steal a vehicle.

What we did was, a teacher that we had was just 100% awful,

he had this little car, one of those little Volkswagens,

and so my friends and I just played an April Fools' prank on him.

We picked it up, we lifted it up and carried it down the block,

about eight of us.

We talked about this last week. The best fun you can have with a little car is pick it up

-and turn it round so it's facing the other way...

-Fun practical joke.

That's a better idea,

because in Canada, if you move it more than ten feet, it's a felony.

I didn't know that.

So you moved a car more than ten feet

and then that was grand theft auto?

Yeah, one city block was, yeah, 100% grand theft.

Now, obviously, sexiest man alive, 2010,

but reading through your notes, also clumsiest man alive.

Mmm. Oh, definitely, yeah.

There's a thing... Zurich, Switzerland -

it is impossible to hurt yourself in Zurich.

You go there, you eat cheese and then you come home.

-So, how did you manage to hurt yourself?

-I jumped off a bridge.

But there was water below.

And I dove in and I broke a vertebrae by diving in.

AUDIENCE GROANS

-You've also been run over?

-I have been run over, yeah.

I was 19 years old, I was in Vancouver and I was at a bar,

I had a few drinks, left my car and decided to walk home.

-Being responsible.

-Exactly.

And I was crossing the street, it was about two in the morning

and I was hit by a drunk driver.

So, yeah.

LAUGHTER

I always wondered if he tells people that he got hit by a drunk pedestrian.

LAUGHTER

-I would.

-So did that hurt?

Yeah, that was bad. I broke a lot of bones.

That was all the left side of my body I broke.

But I was 19, so at that point, you're just made of rubber and magic.

LAUGHTER

-You healed?

-Yeah.

-Bearing in mind you can't jump off a bridge without breaking your back,

was skydiving the perfect hobby to take up?

God, you're like my mother!

-LAUGHTER

-Old enough!

-Just killing me!

My friends were trying to get their licence,

so I decided I would get my licence, skydiving,

and I did 12 jumps, which were all highly successful!

And then it was 13!

And the 13th one, I had a problem, where the chute didn't open,

and I had to pull the reserve.

But the weird thing is, when you're in a situation like that,

you're flying down at 120 miles per hour,

and when your chute doesn't open,

you seriously have to think about pulling the other one.

That's the weird thing. Time slows down and you're thinking,

"If I pull the other one, then I'll have none left."

LAUGHTER

"So, I'm just going to wait to see if something happens."

And sure enough, at the last minute, I pulled the reserve chute,

which you can't steer, and I ended up landing in a field

which contained only a dead horse. I don't know what omen that is.

Usually, it's a black crow that tells you you're going to die,

but I just landed next to a dead horse.

-You have a new film out, Safe House.

-I do, yeah.

-So when's the movie out?

-The film is out February 24th here in the UK.

We have a clip of that, which we're going to show for you now.

Let's have a look.

TYRES SQUEAL

APPLAUSE

That's a good crash!

It was a good crash!

-That's Denzel Washington.

-Yes, backseat driving right there!

-Elbowing you in the face!

-Yeah.

So what is it about? Give us the plot, give us the story.

I play a guy who's what's called a safe house operator, a housekeeper.

There are CIA-owned apartments and flats all around the world,

and they're run by usually a low-level CIA guy.

And then, one day, in walks Denzel Washington's character,

who's probably one of the world's worst murdering,

sociopathic Hannibal Lecter types.

And I'm left to deal with this guy,

who I'm deeply ill-equipped to deal with.

-So it's not like The Devil Wears Prada, then?

-No!

It's not The Proposal II.

-It's not a romcom.

-No, that's good.

-Can I just say that God is normally quite fair...

-Yeah.

..with his dishing-out of talents. For instance, David Beckham,

he's said, "He's going to be very good-looking,

"talented footballer,

"and to balance that up, I'll give him a squeaky voice."

You're funny and good-looking and not fat...

..where's your squeaky voice?

-What's my...?

-Have you got BO?

-Have I got 41 nipples?

-Have you got very tiny testes?

It's like Braille down there, Jeremy.

LAUGHTER

-A very short novel.

-That's what it is - Braille.

Yeah, the whole system.

Everybody has... I have a lot of things wrong.

I'm blind, I'm deaf,

I've got no sense of smell cos I have a cold,

which I haven't mentioned.

Thank you for the tongue kiss earlier.

LAUGHTER

Just went deep with it, too!

No, we all have crazy faults.

My fault isn't something horrendous, like,

"I can't stop murdering children."

-LAUGHTER

-I just can't stop.

I like to think I'm a horrible driver...

Horrible or bad?

I ride motorcycles everywhere, so you can race up through traffic,

it's bumper to bumper, and when the oncoming traffic is stopped, you just go right up the middle.

But I have this tendency when I am in a vehicle to think

I can slip that entire vehicle right up the middle.

And it's only at the last second when I'm hitting the brakes, coming to a halt.

-You remember you're in a car. You like bikes?

-I like bikes a lot, yeah.

What sort of bikes?

I have an old Paul Smart Ducati, which is a nice little bike.

I know what a Ducati is!

-Yeah, Ducati. I have a Deus.

-Is it "Deuce" or "Day-us"?

-"Day-us", yeah.

-It's D-E-U-S?

That's how we pronounce it,

but you guys say "Niss-un", so I have no idea what's happening.

Every car's pronounced differently in America.

The Hyundai's a "Hundee". "Nee-sun, Vee-dub-ya, Jag-war.

"Bee-em-dub-ya."

Here, what is it, "Jag-yur"?

-"Jag-yoo-ar." How it's spelt.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, I'm sorry, that was mean of me!

Now, you came down here to obviously

try your hand in the Kia Cee-apostrophe-d.

What was your goal?

My goal was just to see if I could drive a manual car.

I haven't done that since high school, so that was interesting.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Who'd like to see Ryan's lap?

-Oh, boy.

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Play the tape!

'Aggressive start. Crisp day.'

That smells exactly like clutch.

'Smells like clutch?

-'Clutch does smell like clutch.'

-'Does smell bad, yeah.'

'Annoying thing. The wide Formula 1 line in there.'

'I'm a big guy, I make that whole car look like a children's toy.'

-'You should see me in it.'

-'Looks like a sweater, made of metal.'

LAUGHTER

'Every time I shift, I make a dumb face.'

-'That's wide, that's really wide.'

-'Terrible.'

'No, it could give you a fast... Where are you going?'

BLEEP! BLEEP manual! BLEEP!

'Yeah! There! Right?'

'The beep machine has obviously blown up...

'Now, keeping it tidy through the lines there. Yes, pretty good.

'Very good, actually.'

Very good.

'Are we going to be able to find fourth?'

Turn from hell coming up.

'Oh, yeah, this turn, not fun every time.'

-'That's almost beautiful.'

-'Yeah.

'That's what I call the adult diaper.'

'Whoa, that's cutting that one!

-'That's quite uncomfortable at that speed.'

-'Yeah.'

'Look at it gripping. That's nicely done. Not too cheaty on the cutting.

'And around Gambon.'

-There we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line!

-There we go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

So...

Where would you like to appear on the board?

I'm going to say somewhere in the middle.

Didn't you... Actually, I know you did, cos you told our researchers,

you were desperate, cos you went back out...

-"Do you mind if I have another go?"

-"Give me another shot."

Cos you wanted to beat Tom Cruise.

Yeah, I did want to beat Tom Cruise. I wasn't talking about the driving, though.

LAUGHTER

Yes, I'm going to guess that I have 1:45.

-1:45?

-And that's being really generous.

-You did a one...

-Ugh!

-This is terrible.

-..forty...

OK, there's a four.

-..three...

-Oh!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

..point seven. You beat Tom Cruise!

You're a faster driver!

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! All right!

-Congratulations.

-Give me that cold!

Take that back!

This is...

Wow, that's worth getting your pneumonia for!

I love that!

Life just gets worse.

You look like that and you're funny and you're a film star

and you can drive.

Yeah, but I break every bone in my body

almost with the cycle of each moon, so don't worry.

I'll hurt myself on the way out.

Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you,

-and a pleasure for those girls to stand so close to you.

-Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Reynolds!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, tonight we are reviewing the boring Renault Clio Cup...

-It's not boring.

-Yes, it is.

..the childish Citroen DS3 Racing and the excellent Fiat 500 Abarth.

So far we've found out what they're like in town,

what they're like at being hatchbacks, but now it's time

to find out what they're like when you put your foot down.

The producers told us to leave our overnight halt,

here in the foothills of the Italian Alps, and drive to Monaco, down here.

Right, at last.

A chance to drive this little thing.

Steering just feels fabulous.

Oh! A little crackle and bang on the overrun.

Ha-ha!

Oh, yes, this thing grips!

The grip is helped, I don't doubt, by it being short and fat,

so it's foursquare on the road.

Oh!

I don't think I'd change anything about this.

In a straight line, this is by far the fastest of the three.

0-60, 6.5 seconds.

The funny thing is, even though it's called "the Racing"

and it was designed by Citroen's motorsport division,

it doesn't actually feel like a racing car or a rally car.

It feels soft, it feels very Citroeny, quiet.

And then there's the steering.

There's no feel to it at all.

You sort of have to guess how much lock to put in for each corner.

Is it this much? No, more.

Here's a fact.

Hammond has a 1.4-litre turbocharged engine,

Jeremy has a 1.6-litre turbocharged engine.

I have two litres, no turbocharger, and that's important because there's no lag.

There you go. Through the bend, there's the power.

The trouble was, though, it wasn't actually getting me anywhere.

Hammond's little boot thing takes off like a rocket.

He's getting away!

The problem with that Renault is, brilliant though the suspension is and so on,

it weighs more than the QE2 and you can see that coming out of the corners. It doesn't get going.

(Though that could have something to do with its driver.)

An interesting old bell tower over there.

Eventually we reached the Riviera.

There's the Mediterranean, glistening blue, which is amazing

considering how many turds there are in it.

As we approached Monte Carlo, I heard a familiar sound.

-ENGINES ROAR

-Chaps...

..I think the Grand Prix is on.

Oh, my God,

-I think, down there...

-Which Grand Prix?

-Have either of you two ever watched the Monaco Grand Prix?

-I think I watched it in the early '80s.

That's the one in the town, right?

Never has anyone had to work with such imbeciles.

In the hills above Monaco, we were told to pull over for a challenge.

-ENGINES ROAR

-I love that sound.

"Tomorrow, you will do three laps of the Monaco Grand Prix track.

"Whoever posts the fastest time wins."

The Monaco Grand Prix track?

I'm going to drive around...that?!

My hair is... Seriously, that is just the boyhood dream!

Hang on, if we've got to do hot laps of the actual... That puts you at a bit of an advantage.

Not really. I've never actually driven round it when it's a racetrack.

-I don't know the fastest line through Rascasse!

-I don't know what Rascasse is!

I don't know where it goes. You know how difficult I find it remembering a track.

-Am I going to get a go round? Can I look at a picture of it?

-I don't know!

Exactly! I'll be driving around a foreign town.

When the Grand Prix practice was over, we went in search of some F1 drivers so we could get some tips.

And immediately, I found David Coulthard.

And the key here is speed up the hill, not speed into St Devote.

Concentrate on really getting that car turned,

early on the power, because what you gain here, if you get on the power two metres early,

you'll add five kilometres an hour to your top speed.

-So there is a noticeable crest there?

-Yes. You'll see as you're coming over the crest.

-You've got a lot of grippy tarmac there.

-On the apex?

-On the apex.

Meanwhile, down in the harbour,

my colleagues had been rather distracted by all the parties.

-Thank you, gentlemen.

-Oh!

Look confident. Look like you do this all the time.

-Grab that woman with the things on sticks.

-What?

Where would you try in a road car to go by?

-A good run through the tunnel and then on the brakes.

-The left-right?

So, over the crest, then as soon as you see his brake lights come on, count and you're in.

-And then go on the left, stay left?

-Yeah.

We're doing a bit of driving around the track, you know,

analysing some of the corners.

-So, if you live in Monaco, do you drive around where the track is?

-All the time.

-Good.

What hints have you got for me? I've got to drive around it tomorrow...

Use the kerbs at four and five. It gives more grip.

-Four and five?

-Yeah.

-And at Rascasse, I can take a lot of entry speed into that...

-Yeah.

..and then use the front-wheel drive to wash it off?

Well, it's very much a party sort of place. It has very elegant properties.

It's like Monaco in many ways, actually. Have you ever been to Hammersmith?

At the end of the evening, we met up to compare notes.

Have you found anything about the track out?

-Yes, I have.

-It's just over there, there's all these boats, and it's really busy.

-Have you talked to a single racing driver?

-Yes, we have.

-Who?

A very nice man called Tim O'Glock. An Irishman...

-Timo Glock!

-Timo Glock, yes.

The next morning, the producers decided that because the track has no run-off areas,

and is very dangerous, none of us could drive around it unless we had a bit of tuition first.

Richard's tutor was Red Bull team boss Christian Horner.

I got former Renault boss Flavio Briatore.

And Jeremy was given an elderly gentleman.

Bernie Ecclestone.

-Bernie Ecclestone, as I live and breathe! How are you this morning?

-Good. (Michel!)

-Bernie?

-Listen, we need these other two cars disqualified, huh?

-No problem, no problem!

It was time to begin.

There's a flag waving. Oh, we're off.

-Try and hook a right here.

-We have to stay left, I reckon.

No, you have to go there. JEREMY LAUGHS

-Bernie, you old cheat!

-We gained a bit!

-We gained a lot!

Let's go over to the right a bit, shall we?

-And then... What was that lift, what was that lift?!

-I didn't need to lift there, did I?

-No!

-JAMES:

-I have to slow a bit.

-Further. Go down with the gears. Jesus Christ!

-That's a tight right.

-Brake, brake, brake. What are you doing?

Brake. Oh, my God!

There are actually people watching as well. What do they expect, I wonder.

They expect an accident.

-You lifted!

-I'm terrified! I don't know what's going to happen!

-Oh, God!

-JAMES:

-It's secondo for this one.

Just brake, Jesus Christ.

-Be careful now, huh?

-Yep.

-Left, right...

It's too complicated, this.

Get the kerb on the left. You missed it. Get the curb on the right. You missed it.

Try and get this kerb.

Christ, we missed that one as well!

-Now, Rascasse.

-Brake now.

-Oh, really late?

-Accelerate now.

Tuition over, we ditched the teachers...

-That was good. Come on, that was good!

-Jesus Christ.

..and set off on our warm-up lap.

I am out of my depth to a degree I've never before experienced.

The crowds were beside themselves as we started our first lap.

Here we go.

OK.

Now, this creeps up on you.

Whoa!

BLEEP! BLEEP!

-I'm struggling, I'm struggling!

-Come on, Rich!

Wait till you can see the Armco before braking. That's now.

-Flavio corner.

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-Jesus Christ-ah!

I caught them up.

Well late going in there. Get in, get in.

It is simply terrifying. You just have no...

I mean, look - fine, dead.

-Oh, dear God.

-That's Hammond dealt with in the tunnel.

Now, James will not know where he's going.

OK, now we come down to the chicane, I think.

Or is it Raser-ma-casse-er-ma-casse?

Jezzer's going to have me here, I can feel it coming.

Under-braking. Get the grip from the zebra.

Got him.

Get this kerb.

Ooh, this is risky. I don't know the way!

Hammond, you bugger.

Oh, God almighty! I may have cocked that up a bit.

We now had just one lap left. It had to be a fast one.

My last ever lap of the Monaco Grand Prix track.

Don't mess this corner up again, Jeremy.

Whoa!

JEREMY LAUGHS

Just leave it in third.

Change into second.

That was better.

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-Careful, the barrier! It comes out-ah.

Get it in now.

Flat, flat, flat!

Oh!

-Aargh! He's getting away!

-My mighty Fiat roaring in the tunnel at Monaco!

Topless women. Mustn't look.

I can see why racing drivers love this track. You are just on it.

Don't... Oh, God, strewth.

I think this is it.

Come on, everything you can.

Oh, my God!

What an extraordinary day!

Hee-ha-ha!

I have to say, that's pretty special.

What a fantastic moment.

Thank you, Bernie. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so much!

-CHEERING, APPLAUSE That was amazing.

-It was.

I really...

I really do mean that.

I really do,

I've never had a day I've enjoyed more, working, than that.

It was amazing. I'm not exactly steeped in F1 folklore, but still,

that was the most amazing track driving experience I've ever had.

And I've always thought the Monaco track worked

because of where it was, the harbour and the palace. But you could pick it up and put it in a field

in Lancashire, and it would still be a fantastic thing to drive around.

Yeah, absolutely. It would certainly be better than the Nurburgring, wouldn't it?

-LAUGHTER

-It is now time to work out which of these cars is best.

We begin with the getting out of Lucca challenge.

-Jeremy, I believe you arrived first.

-Yeah.

-So you get ten points.

-Good.

-Hammond, you were second, so you get five points.

And I, of course, was last so I only get two points.

However, the producers have said that any man who loses his car

in the city is actually disqualified. So, Hammond, I'm afraid you've got nought.

Oh, I can see where this is going already.

Nought for that. Now, the scavenger hunt -

er, Hammond, you finished first, so you get ten points.

I was second so I get five.

James, you were last so you get two.

However, because your ice cube had melted,

I'm afraid you lose a point for that so you actually only get one.

-Oh, dear.

-Interestingly enough, Hammond, the producers said

-that because your dog wasn't real, that is minus two points.

-Minus two?

-Yes.

And also because your cedar tree turned out to be a larch, that's another minus two.

-Yeah, and finally, you didn't get a CD. So that's minus...

-Oh, let me guess! Is it six?

-Yes, it is!

-Is it? Is it really?

-So, six and two...

-Is nought.

-Yes, it is. Nought for that.

People in the car - James, you got 12.

I got 13 in the Citroen. And you got nought.

-I got 14 for that.

-What?

-I got 14!

-No, the producers have said that because your people weren't actually in your convertible,

-there were sort of on it, you were disqualified, so...

-They were in it! Oh, for God's sake.

Nought. Now, the big one, the lap times. Hammond...

I did it in the Fiat in two minutes 20 seconds.

Ooh, two minutes 21.

Close.

This is tricky.

Well, I've got to look pleased now, haven't I, without being smug?

You're not pulling that off.

-Two minutes 15.

-Oh, God.

-So, I get ten points.

-Do you?

Er, wait a minute, you get...

Well, it can't be nought this time, can it? I finished!

You get five, and you get... I'm afraid last again, so that's another two.

OK, so, let's tot up the totals.

Jeremy, you have 38.

Excellent. The Citroen has won.

-I've got 17, and Hammond, I'm afraid you have five.

-Five.

-No, you see, he doesn't.

-Really?

-No, because the producer said

it was a test of hot hatchbacks, and you must have a points deduction

for turning up in a car that wasn't a hatchback.

Really? How many points does he lose for that?

-It's five.

-Is it really?! LAUGHTER

-So, I get nought...again.

-Yes.

And on that bombshell, it's time to end. Thank you very much for watching. Good night!

CHEERING, WHISTLING

Subtitling by Red Bee Media Ltd