Episode 4 Best of Top Gear

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, good evening!

Hello, thank you, everybody, thank you. Now.

New cars come out so fast these days,

sometimes it is difficult to keep up.

Nissan, for example, said the other day that over the next six years,

they will be bringing out a new model every six weeks.

Happily, however, there are some car companies,

usually Italian ones, that won't be rushed.

That like to take their time, have some lunch.

And nobody is better at this than Lamborghini,

as Richard Hammond shall now explain.

When it comes to their big V12 cars,

their flagship battle cruisers,

Lamborghini really, really like to take their time.

Just these four - the Miura,

the Countach, the Diablo...

..and the Murcielago - span half a century.

And now, at last, there's a new one.

It's called the Aventador.

It costs £248,000.

And it's the closest thing to a stealth fighter jet

that you'll ever see on the road.

It even has a starter button that's straight out of Top Gun.

The current boss of Lamborghini said recently that in the old days,

the order of priority for Lamborghini was top speed, acceleration,

and handling, in that order.

The thing is, for this car,

he says that order is the other way round.

Handling comes first, with top speed being given a lower priority.

So, let's find out just how low a priority that is, shall we?

Whooooa! Waaaah-hah!

0 to 60, 2.9 seconds.

So they still care about acceleration, then!

220 kilometres an hour,

250!

260!

270. 280 kilometres.

Oh!

290 kilometres an hour.

Oh, my God!

Oh, OK, and relax.

If that's them giving top speed a low priority, bring it on!

Flat out, the Aventador will do 217 mph -

which makes it faster than the old Murcielago.

How Italian is that?

ITALIAN ACCENT: No top speed, OK, 270, no more, no more than that!

This pulverising performance comes courtesy of the Aventador's massive 6.5 litre engine...

..their first all-new V12 for almost 50 years.

But what's surprising is that they bothered to make one at all.

You see, these days, a lot of carmakers are shying away from bigger engines.

BMW's new M5, for example, will have a V8 instead of a V10.

AMG are ditching V12s in favour of V8s.

It's called moving with the times.

But that's not so easy with a big Lamborghini.

A V12 is kind of its signature dish, it defines the car.

And the engineers insisted that whatever happened with the Aventador,

it had to have a V12.

And, of course, the by-product of a V12 is lots of horsepowers.

This has got 691 of them, which in Top Gear maths is 700.

That power is fed to all four wheels

through a unique design of flappy paddle gearbox.

It can change in less than 50 milliseconds, which...

I can't demonstrate that even if I blink an eye.

There are other high-tech features too.

We're in strada mode right now, which is for the road.

Let's put it in corsa, track mode.

Whoa, hang on!

All right, fella, all right!

That's absolutely brutal! It kicks you in the back of the head.

And now we're in corsa mode,

let's find out how they've got on with their new number-one priority -

handling.

Traditionally, always the scariest part of testing a big Lambo.

OK, here we go, I'm nervous.

I'm OK.

Still on the track.

I'm in a V12 Lambo, I just threw it at a corner at insane speed,

and it went round.

So why am I not buried in row 85 of that 747?

This is partly because the grip is just unbelievable.

Also it's got push-rod suspension which is very clever,

and unheard of in a road car - that's F1 stuff.

So even when it's coming under some pressure, like that,

the steering is just...

It's just...I'm turning a dial.

So, whilst the Aventador looks as Miami Vice mental

as everything else in its family tree, it's now a serious player.

The noise it makes is spirited rather than deafening.

The chassis is made from carbon fibre, not pig iron.

The air-conditioning works.

It's a proper car, rather than a machine that wants, most of all, to kill you.

And that makes me a bit sad.

Basically, what's missing is that Lambo fear factor,

that knot in the stomach test pilots must have felt in the '50s

when they headed for the sound barrier in unproven jet aircraft.

Of course, you might think that's a good thing.

To be honest, I'm not so sure.

If a big Lamborghini is all about pantomime, drama, theatre, which it is...

..then I want people watching

not just to go, "Wow, that's a stunning-looking thing."

I want them to look at me inside and think, "Whoa, there goes Chuck Yeager Hammond.

"He's brave." But in this, I'm not being brave.

It's as easy to drive as a big Audi, that's the truth of it.

I finally understand what they mean by that, is it Helsinki syndrome?

When people who've been kidnapped,

when they're released, miss their kidnappers.

I don't know that I want to be in a big, loud V12 Lambo

that doesn't every now and again try and kill me.

I miss that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Very good.

-It's beautiful but it's just not...

I think he made a mistake.

Hammond... Whoa, hang on, hang on.

-Hammond, did you say, did you say Helsinki syndrome?

-Yes, I did.

You mean Stockholm syndrome.

Yes I do. Yes. What is Helsinki syndrome?

I think it's when you're an idiot and get your syndromes mixed up.

Yeah, I've got it.

Anyway, the Lamborghini. What you're saying is, it would be better if it were a bit worse.

No, it's like that McLaren MP4-12C you drove the other week.

It is brilliant, undeniably.

-But somehow it's just not exciting enough.

-He's right, actually.

I've driven this as well and it isn't boring

but it somehow lacks that sort of Lamborghini theatre.

It's too refined and it's sort of too clever.

It's as though Lamborghini are trying to be Ferrari

instead of making cars specifically for...

Lunatics. Rod Stewart. Fish.

-Tadpoles. What?

-No, people who like a laugh.

A Lamborghini should be an instrument of terror and this just isn't.

Well, now, let's examine the scale of their failure

by seeing how fast it goes round our track.

That means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

Some say that his favourite T-shirt

has a picture on the front of a T-shirt.

And that he's spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans,

because he too has spent the last 2,000 years

sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all.

All we know is, he's called The Stig.

And he's off! Ooh, I love that pop as it shifts up.

Single rather than double clutch system.

Changes are still lightning-fast as he spears into the first corner.

Wobble under braking, shows how much speed he's already carrying.

He's got it all together for the exit.

MUSIC: "Downtown" by Petula Clark

Stig listening to Petula Clark in French, very unusual.

Clean through Chicago. Coming up now to Hammerhead.

Despite carbon fibre construction, this is still a big, heavy car.

Will it get out of shape? Not a bit of it.

None of the traditional Lambo flamboyance there.

PETULA CLARK SINGS IN FRENCH

Now, follow-through, the spoiler fully extends at 80 miles an hour.

He's doing a lot more than that now.

Fast through the tyres, just two corners left.

Here he comes now. Hard on the ceramic brakes,

an old V12 Lambo would have bitten him in the face by now.

Through Gambon and across the line.

Now...

Now, if we look here...

..this is the old Lamborghini, the Murcielago,

the LP670 did it in 1:19. Here's the Aventador.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooooh...

1:16.5.

CHEERING

That's interesting, isn't it?

So... So it looks absolutely fantastic.

And it's faster round our track than a Bugatti Veyron Super Sport.

And I think it's clear now why Hammond and May hate it so much.

Recent figures have shown that 71% of people across the UK

still commute by car, and more people go to work by walking or by bicycle than they do by train.

Yeah, and the reason for that is very simple. Train tickets are enormously expensive.

And they're enormously expensive because trains are enormously expensive to build.

But why are trains expensive to build?

Why has Britain's last train maker recently laid off half its workforce?

Surely there is a solution to this problem. I mean, how hard can it be?

This is a Jaguar XJS.

It's 22 years old and it cost £4,500.

For that, we got the convertible version with the big engine, the 300 horsepower 5.3 litre V12.

It really does go like a train, this car, and that is what got us thinking,

because...could it actually BE a train?

To find out, I took it to Top Gear's Secret Railway Development Centre

in Leicestershire, just off the A46 near Thurcaston,

where we cued the music and set to work.

MUSIC: Theme from The A-Team

Perfect!

Argh!

Finally, our XJ Express was ready.

So, what we've done is replace the standard wheels

with train wheels, and that's it.

Nothing else. The cost savings are phenomenal, because a normal railway locomotive is 4 million.

-This was in total £4,750.

-That is an enormous saving!

It's not much more than a thousandth of the cost.

Exactly. If we were running this from Peterborough to London...

I don't know what a season ticket is. Do you know?

Many thousands of pounds a year.

This would be 20p or 30p.

It was time for the Jaguar's inaugural run.

-I don't think we need to turn that.

-We could have taken this off.

-Ready?

-Yes.

-History's in the making.

-Drive.

We are pulling out of the station.

Oh! No steering - it's weird!

-This feels fantastic!

-This is awesome.

Sounds like a train. Listen to that!

-Blow the horn.

-HORN BLARES

-We've solved public transport, literally solved it.

-Yep!

The only thing that would really perfect the experience

would be if there were steam.

But, as it's an old Jaguar, there's a very real chance.

'But the old Jag ran like clockwork.

'So, we returned to base...'

You're all right. You're all right.

-You're all right.

-'..To attach our equally brilliant carriages.'

You're all right. You're all right.

A modern-day railway carriage costs in excess of £1 million.

Ours didn't cost anything like that much.

Now, we have made some mechanical modifications.

We've stripped out the central wheels and added one in each corner for extra stability.

And we've introduced a class system.

Absolutely. Now, I have taken the Pageant CD Champagne model, no less,

and used it to create first class.

Inside, it was beautifully appointed,

creating an atmosphere that I hoped

would resurrect the golden age of train travel

for the discerning first-class passenger.

Hammond, meanwhile, had been responsible for the buffet car and second class.

Just look at this.

Inside - smart, clean, functional.

Everything the modern rail traveller wants and demands.

And at the back, there was Jeremy's creation.

This is the economy section.

What I've done is I've fitted benches and, on the floor,

straw, to absorb the diseases and the blood, should there be a riot.

Then, for an authentic working-class feel, at the back,

I've fitted an outside khazi.

Why have you called it "scum class"?

-Good name.

-It's a bit blunt.

-Honestly, think about it. This way, it's an incentive.

You don't walk into the ticket office and go, "Three scum-class tickets."

You'll say, "I'll spend a bit more so I don't have to say that."

-You'll say, "I'll have second class." We'll make more profit.

-We'll make more money.

-Exactly.

'With the carriages hooked up to the Jag, we prepared ourselves

'for the maiden voyage of the world's cheapest train.'

-Engaging drive.

-Engage forwards.

-Not moving.

-Be gentle with it. Gently!

That's not working, is it?

It says we're doing 80 miles an hour then.

Get out and give us a push.

How's he going to push it?

-Just get it started.

-When did you ever see anybody push a train?

Why won't it go? 300 horsepower.

-It's not working.

-Why isn't it working?

Because it's just spinning all its power away and not going anywhere.

-Why?

-Well, one, you're driving it like an oaf...

-I've done gentle!

-You didn't do gentle.

You just planted your foot on it and went, "power!" as normally.

-Secondly, I'm sorry to say this, but you've brought the wrong car.

-It's a rear-wheel-drive roadster.

-Do you want front-wheel drive?

-Possibly. Four-wheel-drive is where it wants to be.

It's not the car.

We've got too many carriages. It's too heavy.

Of course it's got carriages on it, you muppet! It's a train!

-There are too many.

-That's the bare minimum.

-We've got first class, second class, scum class, buffet.

-Real trains!

-No less.

-It's too heavy.

That's how much it weighs.

We need a different locomotive.

What about...

-..a sports train?

-A what?

A sports train. One carriage and a car. It's a sports train.

That defeats the point of it being a train, doesn't it?

-One carriage?

-Listen, you've got sports cars, sports planes, sports boats, sports jackets.

You've got loads of those.

-People pay more for sports experience.

-If it's got one carriage, it's not a train.

No - Train GTI.

And you can sell tickets for millions of pounds because everybody will want to go in a sports train.

All the trains are on the same line. Might as well get a bigger, better locomotive and put them together.

-That's why it's called A TRAIN.

-I'm not changing the car.

-Well, we're doing a proper train.

-Well, you haven't got a car.

Well, we'll get one.

-Uncouple me.

-Gladly.

-Off you go.

'Jeremy departed, leaving us with the task of finding a new locomotive.'

Oh, yeah. That's great(!)

Now, moving on, and we move on, surprisingly, to golf.

It is very popular. There are 4 million golfers in the UK alone.

Yeah, that is almost 8% of the adult population

and we can't really understand this because, as far as we can make out,

golf is extremely boring.

It is also ruinously expensive. A decent set of bats

is going to set you back £1,000. We rang a golf club

in High Wycombe the other day,

not Wentworth, and annual membership there is £1,000.

-It's two grand before you even start.

-Then you have

the stupid jumpers and shoes, and the Rupert the Bear trousers. It adds up.

Then there's the cost of joining the Freemasons.

Exactly. So we were wondering, could you do motor racing for less?

We tend to think of motor racing as catastrophically expensive, but is that necessarily the case?

We decided to find out. We each bought a set of wheels,

converted them into racers as cheaply as possible

and met up at the Lydden Hill race track in Kent.

'Race day dawned, and Richard and I were there

'good and early with the cars we'd bought.'

This is a 150mph BMW 328i,

-for which I paid £795.

-Nice.

-It looks good.

-And you paid what for this?

-This is a Citroen Saxo VTS 1.6, for which I paid

-£550, and it's a nice one.

-It is a nice one.

-That is in really good nick.

-It's a hot little car.

'Then James arrived in a Toyota MR2.'

That is a surprise.

-That is an unexpected call.

-I thought he'd have an Austin A35.

-Morning.

-May! How much was that?

£450.

-Seriously? 450 quid?

-Yep.

So we've got mid-engined, rear drive,

front-engined, front drive, rear drive, front engine.

-That's a 328.

-I know. But have you seen this?

-It's brilliant, this.

-I have to say it, and I wouldn't normally say it, obviously,

-but your cars look terrific.

-Hammond?

-Yes.

-Blood type?

-Yes.

-"Red".

Well, it is. It's red. I've checked.

Stuck a pin in it. B?

B-. I don't know what I am.

-That's an exam result!

-I just made it up.

-It's what I'm used to seeing on forms.

-I wasn't sure,

so I put AB+. That way I'll get the lot, so one of them will be right.

As you can see, obviously, I've put stickers on mine.

-Yeah, where did...

-Well, it's the BBC and you have to have stickers

-on a racing car.

-"Fragile roof"?

-I know, but the BBC doesn't allow brand names,

so I put health and safety notices on it, as that's what the BBC likes.

We should explain at this point that there are certain safety requirements you have to fulfil

before you go motor racing.

You have to put a roll cage,

proper seat, harness,

electrical cut-off fire extinguisher, and the total cost

of doing that on mine was around £1,000.

-Yours was a bit less.

-A bit less cos there's less roll cage in it so it brings it up to 1,400 quid

-for the lot.

-And yours is?

-1,430.

-So, 1,400,

1,400, 1,800 all in.

So, for the price of a bag full of golf bats,

we were ready to go motor racing,

and the motor racing we'd selected was rallycross.

The beauty of this is that half the track is tarmac

and half is gravel and mud.

-COMMENTATOR:

-Oh, my good... Oh, gosh, I don't know what's happened!

So, you get to do high-speed circuit driving

and slidey rally stuff all in the same race.

Do you know, I used to love rallycross.

-Yeah.

-Grandstand, World Of Sport, you had Dickie Davies and he'd go,

"This afternoon, we've got fly-fishing, athletics and golf." You'd go, "Oh, no."

-Then, "And rallycross."

-Yeah.

-And you had those tiny televisions,

-the black-and-white screen you were watching on.

-You might have done in Birmingham.

-Look at that!

-I know.

-But then he's got some actual track to do it on.

Or he could be standing with a Pringle jumper on,

-going like this...

-Waiting for the man in front.

Yes. Do you know the best thing about this?

It's really simple.

When we got to the drivers' briefing, however,

-I realised I'd spoken too soon.

-OK, there's 18 of you,

so when you do your heats, if you finish first, you get one point. We've got three sets of races,

so there'll be three people with one point, three people with two points,

three people with three points. If you come seventh twice,

-that gets 14 but you only end up seventh. You get seven points.

-Why does it say 1 + 2 = 2?

Well, you only pick the best one.

If we were doing three,

-we'd pick the best two.

-Three what?

-Three of your points from the heats.

-Eh?

-Happily, Captain Maths was on hand to explain

that, in short, we'd all take part in two heats and at least one final.

And, with that sorted, we got to know the other drivers.

I notice from the entry sheet you're all called Gary.

THEY LAUGH

-WOMAN:

-I'm not! >

-Do you mind if I call you Gary, just to keep everything clear?

-No, that's fine. Just keep it simple.

OK, but who is called Gary? You're Gary, you're Gary and you're both in my class?

You are racing in Gary class... so you are Gary Clarkson.

I, meanwhile, was in the modified two-litre class

and our heat was first.

I've got to do three laps. That's all. Three laps and try not to mess it up.

Oh, look, we're getting lined up. This is the grid. This is it!

Go!

Oh, we're off.

-He is overtaking!

-Oh, my God, he's about second!

CRUNCH!

BEEP!

-He's not... He's third.

-Third!

This is good. This is good.

Now I'll have him!

-Come on, come on!

-Ohh, this is exciting!

-Oh, he's gone to second!

-He's overtaken... No, he hasn't.

But this is genuinely exciting racing with James May in it!

'And remember, this costs less than golf.'

This bloke's all over my chuff!

Right, watch this!

Oh, no! No, I've got it back.

No... Oh, he's lost it.

I've broken something. Sod it!

-We...must...not...laugh...

-No.

..when he gets back.

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER

-How bad is it?

-I suppose it's just at the wings on the wheel.

-Has the suspension collapsed?

-Every time I braked, it veered off.

-Do you know that, momentarily, you were in second place?

-I know.

It was extremely exciting.

Next up in the stock hatch class was Professor Richard Hammond,

who was still trying to get to grips with the scoring system.

Six plus one equals one, because that's the result they carry forwards...

which means I could end up in final C, which... C comes before A.

I'm just going to drive around as fast as I can.

-Oh, he's going to...

-Not bad, not bad!

It's a blinding start from Hammond!

I love the rough stuff!

'The agile front-drive Citroen was brilliant in the mud.'

Yeah, ha-ha!

'But I could have done with a bit more power on the tarmac.'

I haven't quite got the legs on this one up to the top. Might have...

I braked myself into that quite hard.

He might have done it... No, he won't do it, unless he can get a lot of speed down the hill.

Oh, this is an epic battle for third place.

Oh-ho!

-Oh, wait, he's through.

-He's done a move.

-He's overtaken somebody!

Oh, this is exciting. It's too exciting even to speak!

Oh-oh, that was a punt!

Could be playing golf, remember. Could be playing golf.

He's not going to come third. That would be impossible.

Come on. Come on!

Yeah, ha! Third place, that'll do me. Come on!

Has anybody ever left a golf course feeling this high?

Woo-hoo!

-High-five!

-Hammond, that was absolutely rostrum or hospital. I loved it.

-So, third?

-That's exciting, yeah. It's great!

It was now my turn, and I was a bit nervous

because the big engine in my BM

meant I was in the top super-modified class,

where three of the Garys were former champions.

Ha-ha! Loneliest man in the world! Get in there and be alone.

-Maybe I should go and play golf.

-No.

-No, because we need to see what golf is like in comparison.

No, we need to prove our point, which means you have to drive that against these people.

-Crack on, Clarkson. Go on.

-Kindly, James spent a few moments asking the other drivers to be nice to me.

-Don't be nice to him, OK.

-I'm not going to be.

-Just muller him.

Top man.

And then it was time for action.

Five seconds...

Oh, they're good.

Unbelievably, though, I started to make up places.

Ooh, he's third, he's third!

He's going to be third if he can out-drag that one, and he is!

Come on, Gary!

Gary, I'm going to get you!

I've got Gary up my chuff here and I'm trying to take Gary on the inside.

Then the super-modified Garys put me in my place.

CRUNCH!

Ohh! Heavens, that was a big shunt.

I may be off the track slightly here.

THEY GUFFAW

Spurred on by the support of my colleagues, I chased after the pack.

Right, come on, Jeremy, concentrate. Let's go get 'em!

But before I could catch up, the race was over.

That was brilliant, and I was last!

Some of you will probably be thinking, "I'd like to do that, but what about safety?"

Well, the number of people killed last year in rallycross was nought.

The number of people killed on the golf course was...

Well, nobody knows, but it's many, many people.

God, that was good fun!

And the fun continued for the rest of the afternoon.

Loads of short, hard, fast action.

And the racing was epic!

-Oh, look at that manoeuvre by the Mini!

-That's Gary the girl.

Gary the girl going round the outside.

-Ooh, Gary's off the track.

-Come on, this is good.

-Oh, it's absolutely wheel-to-wheel stuff.

-Spectacular racing.

-Gary the girl!

-I've never seen a race where two people are side by side all the time.

Yeah!

In his second race, Richard got another third,

despite a bit of a moment...

CRUNCH!

..whereas, in HIS next heat, Jeremy improved massively.

I'm not last! I'm not last!

I'm second to last.

Then it was my turn, and they put my hastily repaired car on pole.

I'm ready.

-What a start.

-He's into the lead!

James May is - there's no other word for it - winning!

Oh, he's gone off, look.

RICHARD GUFFAWS

Right, now I've got some racing to do.

Cock!

Three completely blind laps later, I finished last, again,

with yet another wound on my MR2.

-Oh, yeah!

-Oh, mate!

With the points from the heats all added up, we learned that Richard,

with his two third places, had qualified for the B-class final,

whereas James and I were in the final for losers.

-That means you and I get to race each other, then.

-Yeah, I know.

-Yeah, but it's...

If you stop and think about the scoring system here,

it's clever because it means you will always end up in a final,

irrespective of how rubbish you are.

The final for losers went well.

James got up to third and stayed there.

That was terrific! Did you see that? Did you see me all over him?

And as for the orang-utan...

Jeremy, you're winning! You're actually winning something!

Miracles have happened here, ladies and gentlemen, today. I have actually won a thing!

The victory gave me a chance to wear my winning face.

And there was another bonus as well.

-What are you doing here?

-Because I won the spanner final, I'm allowed to go into this final.

This is my final. I don't understand.

We established in practice you're fast around here because you're used to driving on wet leaves and mud.

-Because I live in Wales.

-Exactly.

Right now I could be, I don't know, chatting to my caddy,

adjusting the tassels on my loafers,

instead of which, I'm sitting here at the wheel of my race car, waiting to start.

This is just so much better.

What if I spoil Hammond's race in some way? I mean, I mustn't and I won't.

I'm going to stay at the back, not get in anyone's way.

I shouldn't be here.

Right, five seconds...

That was a good start for me. That puts me right amongst the big boys.

Bad start. Really bad start.

CRUNCH!

Come on, Gary, out the way.

Whoa, he's got me on the grass!

God, this Fiesta is really aggressive.

Oh, no, look who's there. It's Richard Hammond, is what it is.

How did Jeremy make up that many places in MY final?

I decided not to spoil his big race...

..then I decided I would.

-Yeah, come on!

-Oh, yes!

Come on, Beemer! Come on now!

Oh, he's left me a gap.

No, I've gone wide!

-CRUNCH!

-Ooh, that was a biggie!

There was now just one lap left to take Hammond.

Lot more traction here, sunshine.

Coming up the inside of you.

There you go.

Come on! Clarkson's right behind me.

Come on now!

BMW on my inside. This is where he's got the power.

I'll get him on the outside.

Leave him all the room in the world.

-CRUNCH!

-I've been hit!

He actually turned his wheel there. The camera will reveal that.

Come on, little Citroen. Everything you have.

There's the chequered flag.

Second place.

And, amazingly, third place for Jezza.

Woo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

How good was that?!

That was absolutely brilliant fun.

Two more different cars you can't imagine pitting against one another having a great race!

That was tremendous.

-That was brilliant!

-Really.

-I know. It was.

One of the best days of my life.

And you've got to ask the question, "Why would you play golf when you can do that?"

I'm not given to this sort of thing, as you know, but it was brilliant,

and I even enjoyed watching that last race with you two.

I'm sorry to keep banging on about it,

but this whole racing car costs less than this plastic bag full of sticks.

But, on the money front, can I inject a note of caution? If I were to be racing my Saxo next weekend,

I would want to spend 100 quid on some stiffer suspension.

-It was quite bouncy.

-Very bouncy.

I'd want to do something about my rear end, because it was tail-happy.

-Yeah.

-And there will come a time when the children say, "Mummy, why aren't we having a holiday?"

"Well, Daddy spent all our money on shock absorbers."

Yeah, it is going to add up, but it doesn't matter because, as we've just proved,

rallycross is brilliant. I urge you, get a racing licence, get some cheap wheels,

find the nearest place where you can do it, get out there and do it.

And all the Garys are really friendly.

Yes, they are, but the thing is, the Garys are friendly, but the Richards, they're not.

-I'm sorry to bring this up.

-Eh?

-No, on the last lap,

-you tried to ram me off the track.

-I did not!

Well, you did. It was attempted murder.

It wasn't!

All right, look. As we promised last week,

we'll have a steward's enquiry about this.

-We have on-board cameras. Let's have a look.

-Fine.

-OK.

Coming up to where the incident happened. Let's listen to what he says.

Got to shut the door on him here. I'm sorry. Argh!

EVIL LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-You did!

-Yeah, I did do that...

So, who here thinks that Richard Hammond is guilty?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Well...

Now, if this was Formula 1, Hammond would be forced to take a drive-through penalty

-and that would spoil the race for the spectators.

-Exactly.

-So I think we can do it better.

-Yeah. Sorry, mate.

Listen, it was racing. Honestly. You little scallywag! I'll get you next time.

And that, Mr Ecclestone, is how you deal with disputes.

-Done.

-Absolutely.

Now, earlier on, we embarked on a project to build a cheap train

using an old Jaguar XJS and some caravans.

Yeah, and sadly, it didn't work,

because Jeremy's driving was rubbish, and he bought the wrong car.

Then there was a really big argument and he stormed off with the Jag,

saying he was going to make something called a sports train.

Yeah, and that left Hammond and me with all the coaches,

but nothing to pull them with.

'After a canter through the classifieds,

'Hammond and I found our new locomotive.'

Here's what Hammond and I have bought instead. It's an Audi S8.

It has even more power than the Jaguar, but more importantly,

it has four-wheel drive, which is what you need,

because the rails are slippery.

Also, I have feet made of flesh, with nerves in them,

like a human being, not lumps of lead yoked to an incompetent oaf.

'While I was doing the driving,

'Hammond would take care of the passengers.'

In just a few minutes, I shall be welcoming the passengers onto the train.

This is the manifest with their names.

But before I do that, let's get the buffet car ready.

This has to look good.

This really is... All passengers - first, second -

will be able to come in here, so I want it to look excellent.

Biscuits, various. Muffins. Yeah.

It's the carriage of plenty.

'With the buffet ready, it was time to greet our guests...

'..who were a group of top officials and inspectors

'from the railway world.'

-You are?

-Steve Davies.

-Steve Davies. MBE! Steve Davies, MBE!

-Indeed.

-And you're a colonel! Hello!

-How do you do? Nice to see you again.

-You're in first, which is there.

-Indeed.

-Hello, you're Helen...?

-Helen Ashby.

-OBE! Hello!

-Hi!

-Come on in, please.

-Thank you.

-You're in first as well, obviously.

-And sir?

-Ian Walmsley.

-Yes, you're also...

Yes, in there, Ian, that'll be absolutely brilliant.

In. There you go, you'll be fine.

The straw's fresh, don't worry.

'Everything now depended on giving our passengers

'the train ride of a lifetime.'

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the 14:53 express

from just outside Leicester to near Loughborough.

This train is about to depart.

Thank you for travelling with us. We appreciate that you have a choice of car-based rail companies.

James, that's my job! I'm running this bit of the train.

You just drive!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your steward,

whose train this is. We will shortly be departing towards Loughborough.

Look at this!

It's a train, and it works!

HE LAUGHS

This is the best thing I've ever done!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be through shortly with refreshments.

Oh, yeah!

I don't know if this is coming across

in the images you're seeing at home,

but the sensation of being in a car, but on the railway,

is just the maddest thing I've ever seen out of the window.

It's a railway!

Past another train parked in the siding. It's just wonderful.

More points coming up. The responsible driver slows down a bit.

A tiny bit of braking.

Refreshments, gentlemen!

Oh, it doesn't fit!

Across the little bridge, the water on the left.

'While I was sightseeing,

'Jeremy was finally leaving the station

'in his idiotic sports train.'

TGV 12 is up and running.

Let me talk you through my passengers.

The man on the left, he's just a man, but the man on the right,

that is the editor of Rail Express magazine,

and I need to impress him.

He's going to be reviewing this experience.

'Clearly, the best way of impressing him

'would be to beat Hammond and May to our destination.'

Come on! Let's build up that speed!

Taking it up now to 40.

45!

A few bugs there

smashing into the face of the editor of Railway Express magazine.

55!

-HE LAUGHS

-Look!

The wind in your hair, the bees in your face!

V12 power!

The editor of Railway Express magazine

basking in the shadow of my magnificence!

Ugh, a train!

HORN BLARES

Oh, my God!

'Meanwhile, further up the line, May had also got his foot down.'

25 miles an hour!

'But this turn of speed was causing a few problems.'

The cruise control works. Look at that! I'm now doing nothing.

'It wasn't just the vibrations that were bothering the inspectors -

'the noise was also an issue.'

-What?

-Do you think it's safe?

I can't hear you!

-Do you think it's safe?

-No.

-How do we communicate in an emergency?

-We have to shout!

-Is there a communication cord to stop the train?

-Yes, yes, yes.

I'm going to check it, actually. I'm about to ask the driver, Mr May,

to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks.

James!

JAMES!

What's the matter?

-Can you slow down a bit? Everything's falling off.

-Right.

Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots but I couldn't get past,

due to a railway network design fault.

Even here, we're stuck behind caravans.

If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.

Oh, for God's sake.

Oh, this is really bad.

A member of the working classes is now taking a dump

in full view of the editor of Railway Express magazine.

Oh, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm very sorry about this.

I can't just drive along like this forever, I'm backing off.

'I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.'

I do apologise, I do apologise.

With Jeremy going backwards,

James and I decided we had time to stop at the next station.

A tiny bit of braking.

You see, this is how you drive a train. It's about finesse.

James, stop! James, stop!

James, we're bloody miles off.

I'm going to back up.

'Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to stretch your legs at this intermediate station,

'and apologies for the overshoot.'

-That was an overshoot.

-RICHARD: 'Stop doing the BLEEP-ing announcements, that's my job!'

'Ladies and gentlemen, we're just pulling into the station

'in case you might want to stretch your legs, perhaps, or maybe have a walk.'

Allow me, please.

Bloody hell.

You don't have to be wearing a short skirt, do you?

Thank you.

I have just discovered a small design fault with the TGV 12.

When going backwards, you have to have the bonnet up to keep the engine cool

because there's no air going into the radiator. AND I can't see anything out of the back.

So the first I'll know about a derailment is when we hear death and screaming from the rear carriage.

'Back at the station, the inspectors were busy doing some inspecting.'

-What was the noise decibel level?

-108, it peaked at. It's higher than anything I've ever measured.

Just under 60. That's not wide enough for disabled access.

Good for people with one arm.

There's only one armrest.

The flammability is what worried me. My general consideration - it's not a train, it's a death-trap.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed your brief stopover at Quorn and Woodhouse station.

'We will now be departing again for near Loughborough.'

Come on!

'Meanwhile, I'd found the set of points where I could switch to the other track.'

Yes. Now, this is more of a palaver than on the motorway,

but I am now in the overtaking lane.

Yes, I am!

Let's go and hunt down James May.

We're really moving now!

70 miles an hour!

Yes!

That massive rear spoiler, providing the downforce we need.

My passengers are looking thrilled.

And now I would show May that speed is right, speed is good.

Speed works.

There he is.

James May is about to be splashed

by the mighty wheel-spinning TGV 12.

HE LAUGHS

Clarkson?

God, how did he do that?

The sports train is invincible.

Ever since the dawn of the train, it has been mired in this sea of turgid practicality.

Nobody's ever thought, "Let's make an exciting train."

And here I am, in just such a thing.

On Hammond and May's train,

it's just one long, dreary trail of boredom.

-HORN BLARES

-Brace! Brace!

Some poo's come out.

Ladies and gentlemen, particularly of first class, with your OBEs and MBEs.

Richard Hammond, your steward, will be passing through shortly with hot meals.

Oh, wait a minute.

Since hunting was banned,

one sees the horses frolicking gaily in the fields, enjoying...

-HE LAUGHS

-Forgive me while I just back off and have a bit of a gloat.

If we look over here, we see traditional farming methods.

And I think that pretty much covers the lecture.

I'm just doing a lecture on the countryside. Nothing to see here.

And that's it.

Now we'll be on our way.

Oh, dear(!)

Bye!

People of first class...

'Once again, the editor of Railway Express magazine was heading back towards Leicester.

'Although this time I had at least found a novel way of seeing where I was going.'

Ignore the enormous locomotive behind me.

It's a glitch, really. Not my fault.

'Our train was now certain of beating Jeremy's to near Loughborough.'

This is just serene.

However, in the buffet car, things weren't going so well.

Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourself.

The incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch.

'Christ's sake, James! Stop making BLEEP-ing announcements!

'That's my job, I'm the steward!

'You drive, I steward.'

It's my train and the driver makes the bleeding announcements. That's the way it is.

I had finally found a passing point

and was now back in the chase.

Really shifting, now.

Really, really, really moving.

No time to lose.

80mph. Ha-ha!

'Meanwhile...'

# La la la la la la!

# La la la la la la la! #

Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.

Hello, chaps.

Can I offer you refreshments?

-Have you got a coffee, please?

-No.

-Any chance of a Danish pastry, please?

-No.

I'll slow it down by one mile an hour.

This isn't the fastest train in the world. I'm sure Jeremy will claim his goes faster.

But ours carries more people, that's the point of a train.

It's mass transport.

What Jeremy's built, essentially, is a business jet.

But that's out of the reach of the vast majority of people.

-Anything else I can get you?

-Red wine?

-No.

Oh, dear.

It appears my colleagues have a bit of a problem.

JEREMY CACKLES

-James.

-What?

Your train's on fire.

-Is it?

-Yes, it is.

-Right.

Well, there we are.

'Once again, then,

'it looked like I would be the first to our destination.'

Very nearly at the end now.

And what an epic voyage this has been.

Leicester - well, nearly Leicester - to the outskirts of Loughborough.

A distance of nearly eight miles.

And the sports train

just about done it.

Easing it down now.

Should imagine there'll be a fanfare.

The mayor of Loughborough is almost certainly going to be here.

Oh, he isn't.

Nobody is.

'Not to worry, though, because the great pioneers are often unappreciated at first.'

Throughout this epic voyage,

I have referred to this as either the TGV 12 or the sports train.

But I don't think that does it justice.

I think that the editor and the other man

will agree that what you are looking at here is the future.

And all we must do now is await the arrival of my less-successful colleagues.

No, listen. If you ignore the fire,

and the fact we didn't get where we wanted to go,

it was incredibly noisy, and the fact that all the passengers have run away...

-Apart from that, it was a resounding success?

-Yeah.

We can only judge it to be a success. It worked as a train.

We came up with something new, unique and brilliant.

-I think as a concept...

-Oh, hello.

-It's quite nice.

-But the fact is...

-HORN BLARES

Hold on. Whoa, whoa!

Let's just get this straight, your train was a total failure.

No, it was not.

-Where is it?

-Some of it is in the atmosphere.

The rest is all over Leicestershire.

Whereas mine is here. And already, Her Majesty's Government

has been on the telephone asking if they can have the rights to use this

on the proposed West Coast Main Line.

-Really?

-No, I made that up.

-I'll tell you who has been in touch. The editor of Railway Express magazine.

-Excellent.

-He wrote a short review of his journey on your train. Would you like to hear it?

-Mm-hm.

He says the following. "There was nothing to eat.

"The ride was awful. The noise was distressing."

He spent most of the day going backwards,

he genuinely feared for his life and he ended up covered in excrement.

So, it's exactly like a normal train.

Only much cheaper.

And, on that bombshell, it is time to end. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd