Episode 3 Best of Top Gear

Thank you.

Now...

we start tonight on our track.

This is a place of screaming engines and tyre smoke.

It is a cathedral to the god of thunder and the mistress of power.

The natural home, then, for James May.

That is a selection of sporty Astons.

All of them neatly demonstrating exactly what's wrong with modern sports cars - handling.

The people who make sports cars are absolutely obsessed with it, to the exclusion of everything else,

like comfort, refinement. They just give you a racket, a load of smoke and a bad back.

ENGINE ROARS

That is the noise made by idiots - full of sound and fury

and signifying nothing.

The reason these Astons are so unnecessarily hard core

is this because of this place - the Nurburgring.

As soon as a car company comes here to develop a new model,

they forget about everything else except lap times,

and that is the ruination of a car.

Of course, those of you who know your Astons will be saying,

"But there is a model for you - the DB9, the most grown-up and least sporty Aston of them all."

The trouble with this, though, is, it isn't shaking my teeth out

and it's not sending me into a boiling rage about handling,

but it isn't really giving me the fizz, either.

I think this has now gone a bit too far the other way.

There's a slight whiff of old fart about it.

So, what I need is the comfort of the DB9

infused with some of the power of the red-hot DBS.

And it looks like my prayers may have been answered...

..with this, the new Virage.

At first glance, it looks the same as any of the current Astons.

But take a second look and you'll see that nearly all the body panels are new,

as are the front grille and the streamlined headlights.

But does it fill the gap between the DB9 and the DBS?

Now, the DBS has 510 horsepower,

the DB9 over there has 470, and the Virage, that has 490.

Logically, then, the Virage should be the second fastest.

I wonder how we can find that out.

ENGINES ROAR

Well, come on, we've got a runway and three Astons. What do you expect us to do?

Go!

Taking the DB9...

Only just. It's very close.

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

The car in the middle of the power range

came in the middle of the race. How about that?

The Virage uses the same 6-litre V12 you'll find in the DB9 and the DBS,

but, again, it's a sort of in-the-middle version.

It's tuned differently from the DBS engine.

Now it gives 85% of maximum torque...

it does 1,500 RPM...

and it will go on to 186 miles an hour!

And when all this gets a bit much, you have ceramic brakes as standard.

So...

Phwoar.

Nice.

As for the handling - surprise, surprise - it's sharper than the DB9

but not as aggressive as a DBS.

So let's move on to the price.

The DBS is £170,000.

The DB9 is £125,000.

The new Virage is £150,000. You see - in the middle.

So far, then, it's shaping up well, and it gets better.

This is probably the best-looking of all the Astons

and it has the nicest interior.

The stitching is all done by one seamstress to keep the weave constant.

And, joy of joys, the useless Volvo sat nav of other Astons

has been ditched for one that works.

However, before I can give this car a clean bill of health,

I have to address the elephant in the room.

The worry is, they've made another track monster.

They've fallen for the same old trick - it's got to go round the Nurburgring, etc, etc.

So I've decided to do something radical -

leave the track and go for a potter round our airfield.

My idea here is to go on something a bit like a real road and see what the ride is actually like,

and it will allow me to show you all the bits of the Top Gear test track that you never normally see.

That's actually our studio. This is Nigel's garage.

He's a lovely chap.

Unfortunately, viewers, I then had to cancel the rest of the tour

because, after just a few hundred yards, I was too cross to carry on.

My God, I don't believe it. They've done it.

I've got everything turned off, I've got sport off, the firm suspension off, but it's still too jiggly.

HE SIGHS

It's been ruined by the ride. Listen.

Rattle, rattle, bang, bang. That is not necessary.

The Virage, then, is a missed opportunity.

It could, and should, have been a comfortable gentleman's express.

Instead, it's just another pointless bone-shaking racing car.

APPLAUSE

This is the Nissan Pixo and it is the cheapest car on sale in the UK right now.

It costs just £6,995.

It sounds fantastic, but is it?

Jeremy decided to find out.

Well, here it is.

It's built in India and it has a one-litre, three-cylinder engine,

so it's very slow.

Also, it doesn't look very nice, it isn't very spacious

and it comes with less equipment than a cave.

You do get power steering and anti-lock brakes.

Argh, ducks!

Missed them. Thank you, anti-lock brakes. Working well there.

You also get a radio, and a dial!

But if you want to get the window down,

you have to move this lever in an anti-clockwise direction.

To get it up again, you move it in a clockwise direction.

And it's a similar story with the door mirrors.

They're operated by these funny prongs.

You don't even get any carpets.

But if you pay an extra £37,

Nissan will sell you what they call

luxury velour textile floor mats.

If you spend £3 on top of that,

they will give you a Nissan-branded toggle bag,

containing both a sponge and a sachet of car shampoo.

Of course, you might say that for less than £7,000,

you should expect to do without speed and space and looks

and electric windows and carpets.

But do you have to?

Because what does £6,995 buy you

if you're prepared to ferret around on the second-hand market?

This, for a kick-off.

This is a Bentley Turbo R.

It's 23 years old, it's done 122,000 miles

and this actual car is for sale right now for £6,995.

For all this!

I mean, look at it!

Not a Nissan, no.

What it is is a Bentley that I'm in, for the same money.

It's got five more cylinders than the Nissan and a turbocharger,

so it is MUCH faster.

And the luxury lambswool mats are included in the price.

If I operate this button,

my window goes up and down.

With this button, I can move my seat backwards and forwards.

With this button, I adjust my horns. I can have a twin horn.

HORN BEEPS

Very nice. Or a single one. No. I'll just have a twin one.

Back in 1988, this car cost someone £79,000.

Here we are now and you can buy it for less than a tenth of that.

I mean, look!

Leather, leather, leather, leather. Wood. Leather, leather, leather.

Leather. Leather. Leather.

It is genuinely unbelievable

that that car costs exactly the same as this car.

Of course, we're not thick. Well, he is.

But even he knows that the Bentley was hand-made in England

and saying something was hand-made in England is just a way of saying

the door's going to fall off.

This isn't going to be as reliable as the Nissan.

When stuff does go wrong with this, the bills are going to be ma-hoo-sive.

They are, they are. Don't worry, though.

It turns out there are many, many alternatives.

All of the cars here are on the market right now

for less than the price of that Nissan Pixo.

The Honda S2000, for example.

This one is now for sale with 47,000 miles on the clock

for £6,500.

And you could have a Mazda RX8.

Look, four doors, like the Nissan Pixo.

This one has done 28,000 miles.

It's new! It's a brand-new car!

Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the correct blue and gold alloys. Lovely.

-WRX, this one.

-It is.

Could you get an STI in budget?

-No.

-P1.

-No.

-RB5.

-Now you're just saying letters and numbers.

-SK1?

-That's the postcode for Stockport.

It's done 37,000 miles.

What?

It's only done 37,000?

It's got everything on it.

-Electric mirrors, air-con.

-Air conditioning.

£6,500.

That's fantastic.

Of course, some of the cars we found are cheap because they're rubbish.

But most aren't, like this Alpha, this Jag,

or these BMWs.

We even found a Porsche.

It's done 88,000 miles and it feels tight as a drum

and you are driving about in a convertible Porsche.

That's what worries me.

-Do you think we look a bit...

-Manly.

-No.

-Tough. No, the opposite of those things.

Hello there.

We're talking about football.

I'm just going to spit out of the window.

Can we go and have a look at some fighter jets?

Ready, go, go, go.

ENGINE BLARES

There. It just does a sort of raaaaah.

It makes a great noise, they are incredibly well balanced.

It is hard to think of a better car for £6,500, or £6,900, than this.

That gave us an idea for a challenge.

Which one of us could buy the most amazing car

for the price of a Nissan Pixo?

This is my choice.

A Mercedes CL which I found on the internet for £6,995.

What makes that price particularly extraordinary

is that this is the top-of-the-range model, the V12.

It comes with just about everything.

It has a television, it has radar-guided cruise control

that maintains a set distance to the car in front.

It has voice-activated controls.

It has seats that massage you as you drive along.

If you bought the equivalent of this car today,

it would cost you £161,000.

And that makes this the bargain of the century.

No, it isn't.

Because THIS is.

The BMW 850ci.

It, too, has a V12 engine. Not the lesser V8-engined 840.

But what makes this car better than Jeremy's is...

Pop-up headlamps.

Simple as that.

-How much did you pay for this?

-£6,700. Yours?

-£6,995.

-Less!

-How old is it?

-'94... 17 years old.

-Ahem, nine.

-Really?

-Nine years old.

-How many miles has it done?

-127.

-54,000.

-Rubbish!

Why does it have casters from a sofa instead of wheels?

OK, it's period. They were that size in those days.

What are they? 17? 16? 16-inch.

16-inch wheels.

And you know full well

that means fatter tyres and that means a better ride.

It's got Smarties for wheels. And is that ruched leather?

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

Why do people from Birmingham like a ruche?!

To find out which of us

had bought the best car, we decided to conduct a series of tests,

starting, not unsurprisingly, with speed.

This is a 1.8-mile runway

and all we wanted to know is who'd get to the far end first.

Of course, what matters most of all in a race like this is power

and the simple fact is I have more of it.

A lot more. And more torque.

Because my car has pop-up headlamps, it is sleeker at the front,

more aerodynamic and, in a race like this, aerodynamics matter.

Three, two, one, go!

Yeah! Oh...

And that is goodbye, Hammond.

His car is limited, top speed 155.

BMW, not limited. Top speed, 156.

(I can still whisper. 130 miles an hour.

(140.)

He's ahead, yes, but soon he will hit the limiter

and I will surge past.

155 miles an hour.

But that surging thing didn't happen.

Kack!

What a machine!

We pulled over for a post-race chat.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello!

-Hello! Can I just say, what happened there?

Well, obviously the BM lost.

The weirdest thing was, as we crossed the finishing line at the end,

mine changed up,

so I think given a longer runway, like 50 miles longer...

-Yes, yes, yes.

-I would have won.

-Have you ever run a race while carrying a television?

-No.

-And a sideboard.

-I've got a television and a sideboard in here.

Can I also say I want one of these phones on a cord in my car.

HE LAUGHS

To try and understand why Hammond's car was so slow,

we put it on a machine that would reveal how many horsepowers

had escaped over the years.

There's no need to tether it.

Got to shackle this beast down.

-It took nearly an hour to get down that runaway.

-No, it didn't.

Soon the machine gave us an answer.

-How many was it?

-296 when it was new.

296 horsepower for your five-litre engine.

-How many years old?

-17 years old.

-269 at the flywheel.

27 horses have escaped.

-Less than two a year.

-You could eat that many horses a year.

Perhaps you're just a rubbish driver.

We then decided to test the Mercedes.

-Jet noise.

-That's not the car!

-To start with, 362 brake horse power.

-Yes.

Today, after nine years... Yes.

352.

352.

So my car has lost fewer horsepower than yours,

is faster than yours,

has much more equipment than yours.

It hasn't got pop-up headlamps and the leather is NOT ruched!

We then checked out our cars' interiors,

using our old friend, Mr Manlove and his team of forensic experts.

You know the last time we tested cars like this on Top Gear?

-Didn't we find that yours was all full of blood and mucus?

-Yeah.

And faeces.

After a microscopic examination, Manlove was ready with the results.

Why don't we go Hammond first, since you usually lose these?

All right, then.

With the BMW, first of all, we are lacking faeces this time.

-No faeces.

-Yes! No faeces!

No faeces. We do have plenty of saliva, which you would expect.

It is on the carphone. When you talk, little spatters of saliva coem out.

We also had a lot of material which looks like rolled nasal mucus again.

-What nasal mucus?

-Rolled.

-Rolled nasal...

-As in...

-Picking and flicking.

-Absolutely.

-Finally, there was an odour of urine.

-Somebody in there has wet themselves?

-It was a general, pervading aroma.

-I need another lavatory!

-Right.

The Mercedes.

Um, there was some white powder found on tapings

as was some herbal material that looked like it had been cut or chopped.

-We didn't do any further testing on that.

-White powder...

-So that is talc.

-Yes. It could be talcum powder.

-Or flour.

And moving on to the front passenger seat. There was a rhinestone.

And then we had chemical reactions with that

we would frequently find if we were examining different

types of cases on potentially vagina swabs, present.

-Vaginal...

-Material on the passenger seat.

-So, mine was a drooling businessman flicking bogeys, wet himself. Yours...

-Was an interesting bloke.

-Could the rhinestone have come from a vajazzle?

-What's that?

A vajazzle. They don't have them in Herefordshire. Don't worry.

-I'm seeing a magic stick that you wave at things.

-No, it isn't that.

With Manlove's test complete,

we took our cars onto the road to see what they're like on the...road.

Oh, yeah. Headlamps popping up. Ooh, yeah.

I'll put them away.

Just feels great.

It doesn't feel old-fashioned, outdated or second-hand.

There's just not a clue that this is anything other

than an incredibly expensive car.

Rear roller blind, yep, that's working well.

Put it in sport mode, that works.

Raise the suspension up, lower it, turn the traction control off.

Cruise control.

In some ways, it's not really a rival for the Nissan Pixo,

but it is a rival for a brand-new Mercedes.

You do have to ask, why would you buy one?

Let me just try the linguatronic, make sure that's working OK.

Radio Two.

-'Capital. Radio 4. News Direct.

-Cancel.'

That's working brilliantly.

Exactly like every linguatronic system I've ever encountered.

Total disobedience!

Soon, we pulled over in the town of Market Harborough

to conduct a little experiment.

-This Mercedes, V12, how much do you reckon?

-20, 25.

-20 or 25.

-27 grand.

-27 grand?

-12 or 13.

-12 or 13?

It's a V12 BMW, what would you think that was for sale for

if it was for sale today?

-About 12,000.

-12,000?

40 to 50,000.

What about this car, sir?

It's a V12 also. It's done 54,000 miles.

20, something like that.

If your neighbour put that on the drive,

you'd think, "They've done all right."

It's as we thought.

People think these cars are worth far more than we actually paid.

So what we have here are two V12 super coupes,

blasting through the heart of England

silently, quickly, comfortably and cheaply.

If the Nissan's done one thing for us,

it's let us know that these cars are out there for that kind of money.

It's a complete no-brainer.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Matt Le Blanc!

CHEERING

Have a seat.

He's here!

CHEERING CONTINUES

That's a good welcome.

Now, first of all,

hearty congratulations on your Golden Globe. Last week, wasn't it?

Last week or the week before, I don't know, I had to fly...

I came back here after Christmas...

Is it easier to win an award or lose one

in terms of getting your face right? I'm never quite sure.

If you win, you've got to look proud, but not smug,

and that's a tricky thing to do.

-I've got a lot of practice at the losing face.

-The losing face?

-Yes.

The camera sits at your table and stays on you

and the guy's halfway through his speech

and they still have a camera on you, so you...

LAUGHTER

He deserved it, yeah.

We lost spectacularly last week to a programme called This Morning.

-You know this?

-No.

-It's a programme...

-Fix! Fix!

Well, no, it's a programme where men put their fingers in other men.

LAUGHTER

They did! And as a result of that, we were blown out of the water.

The viewing public likes that more. So well done, This Morning.

You won your Golden Globe for Episodes.

I don't know if anybody here has seen Episodes.

-I think it is just brilliant.

-Thank you.

-You've just done the second series,

-which is why you're here.

-We finished a few days ago.

Talk us through the plot.

OK, it's a show about a fictitious show that starts in the UK

and it's bought by the American networks to be revamped and remade in the States.

They promise them the world and one by one,

every promise is broken, including the fact that they keep

their lead actor played by Richard Griffiths and they tell him,

"No, can't have him. You're going to hire Matt Le Blanc."

So I play this weird, bizarre version of myself.

Of course, Episodes has not yet become the huge hit.

What you're best known for is... Well, I tell you what,

let's show you a clip of you in your best role. Here it is.

This is Bob Seger, obviously. Night Moves.

This was the video shot in 1994, and if we look very carefully,

here's the heroine and...whoa! Wait a minute! Who is that?!

That was '94. Friends had already started in '94,

so you were moonlighting in Seger videos.

A friend of mine directed that and he called me

and said, "Hey, I'm doing a video for Bob Seger for Night Moves.

"Do you want to be the hero guy?" And I said, "Sure, yeah."

So I go down there and they get in the little trailer to get ready,

we're at this drive-in theatre, and someone knocks on the door

and says, "Bob Seger would like to see you in his motor home."

So I go over into the motor home and he starts talking me through

what it was like when he was young and going to the drive-in

and trying to pick up girls and he breaks out a bottle of tequila.

Next thing I know, we down a whole bottle of tequila,

Bob Seger and I, and then they knock on the door,

"Ready for you on set!" So I'm drunk in the whole video.

And it wasn't just that. You were also in a Tom Petty video.

Drunk in that one, too.

-Drunk today?

-Hmm, yeah.

-A little bit.

Now, cars. I know you are what we call a petrol head,

I think you call a gear head. We know this... I've got an inkling of it,

because when I was watching Episodes,

we've got a clip here which gives us a bit of an insight.

Let's just run this.

-Tell me that's not yours!

-You like?

-Oh!

-I read there was only three in the whole world.

-Yes.

-Me, the Sultan Of Brunei and some drug guy.

-Oh, it's magnificent.

Here.

-And that's while I was never picked. Really?

-Go for it!

I am SO happy.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

-Get a room!

-Can I?

I wish I knew how to drive.

That's an Alfa 8C convertible. That's a very rare car.

You end up in an XK in that first series.

Right. That was a funny story about that car because

when they agreed to let us use it in the show, it hadn't been sold yet.

By the time we needed it, someone had bought it,

so it showed up with its own security team and everything else.

-I got to drive it maybe five feet.

-YOU did?

-Yeah.

Steve drove it further than I did.

This year, it's Ron Dennis's personal Mercedes SLR he loaned us.

-What was that like?

-I didn't get to drive that one either!

You're the only one crazy enough to let me behind the wheel, apparently.

-Now, your car history is chequered, isn't it?

-At best, yes.

You had an Audi 5000, which we'd call 100.

That was the one that had the unintended acceleration stories.

Yeah, not the one I had, but I heard about that.

It was like a crap shoot.

And then there was a Fiat X/19 that came,

which is like a motorised vajazzle, I always think, the X1/9.

Yeah, that was probably a mistake. I bought it at a used car lot.

I was driving by and, you know, "Ooh!

"That looks like a good waste of money right there."

You used to have a Porsche Turbo, didn't you?

Yeah, I had a 2000 996 turbo.

As I understand it, you modified that,

cos when we buy cars in Europe, BMWs or Porsches

or whatever they might be, that's what they're like,

whereas in the States,

there seems to be a culture of you buy a car

and then you take it to a shop and somebody tweaks it and fiddles with it.

-Right.

-Is that something you just feel you have to do?

Well, for me, it's like, if someone who doesn't know anything about cars

can just go down to the store and get the same car,

that's not right.

I mean, I love cars, so mine should go a LITTLE faster, I think.

What did you do to the turbo?

The turbo, I had a gimbal, a computer programme put in it

and an exhaust, and tech art suspension loaded and then

I took it in to have... The mass air sensor was starting to go.

-This is probably super-boring for most people.

-No, it isn't.

This is Top Gear so for once, you are allowed to talk like this.

The Tonight Show wouldn't let me talk about any of this!

Are you a man who goes and drives on circuits?

Occasionally, yeah, mostly with the bikes.

-I know that's a sore subject with you.

-No, you can talk about bikes. You've got three seconds.

And they're up.

So, have you ever driven round Laguna Seca,

which is your nearest track, I guess?

Yeah, Willow Springs is probably closer,

but Laguna Sega is such a beautiful facility. You know, the Corkscrew there.

The Corkscrew is a corner that I just find impossible

to get round without crashing.

Six stories I think it drops. It's left, right, it's six stories.

Yeah, it's not my idea of fun. Our track is much easier.

I know you took your trip down here quite seriously,

because you told our researcher, you were asking about the Kia

and the roll cage, which you said, "Ah, that'll make it more rigid."

We've never had any of this before from a guest, somebody that keen.

That's probably the best handling Kia there is.

-Pretty nice little car.

-Who here would like to see Matt's lap?

-AUDIENCE CHEERS IN ASSENT Me too, yeah!

-Let's have a look.

Just don't use the brake as much, that's all.

No, you're going to need the brakes there.

Were you OK with having a stick-shift on your left?

Yeah, I missed a couple of shifts here and there, but...

-Well, that looks, that's the sort of tidy corner.

-Sloppy at best.

We're keeping it tidy through there.

The more boring it looks, the faster it often is.

That's, well, very boring indeed through there. Hammerhead.

Almost got the front wheel off the ground there, but not quite.

That's very tight on the way out.

HE WHISTLES

It was obviously boring you to death as well out there.

Flat through there, yeah, no lifting.

Your heart is beating once every three hours.

You're going to cut this one. Yeah, that's very cut. Gambon, cut it.

Oh, yes, very cut. And there we are, across the line.

-What do you reckon?

-Um...

-Well, hopefully in the top half somewhere.

-Hopefully in the top half.

Well, often when laps look that drama-less, as it were,

they can be quite fast.

So there's the board. Rowan Atkinson currently leading 1.42.2.

-That's quick.

-Yes, 1.42.2 is unbelievably quick.

Halfway would put you with Bob Geldof, 1.48.1.

You did it, Matt Le Blanc, in one minute...

..40...

..two...

AUDIENCE GASPS

..one.

RAPTUROUS CHEERING

Fastest ever!

-Fastest ever!

-That's not bad.

Now, moving on.

There was a poll recently to find the most important

car from the 20th century.

And I went for the Golf GTI.

Because it was fast, and practical, and classless.

And it has been much the same story with all the models that have

come along subsequently.

But none of them

have ever managed to capture somehow the magic of the original.

Until now.

Now, I'll admit, it is not actually a GTI.

Or a Golf. Or even a Volkswagen.

What it is is a BMW, the new 1M.

What BMW has done to create this is take a standard One series

and pump it up a bit.

The wheel arches are flared.

The car is slightly lowered and, at the back,

there are extra poo chutes.

Inside, there's a splash of suede on the dash with some orange stitching.

Otherwise, it's humdrum. Normal. Not showy at all.

Apart from the orange paint,

you simply wouldn't guess that it can do this.

ENGINE ROARS

Oo-ooh! Whoo, yes!

Blimey, this is good.

HE CHUCKLES

So, what have we got here?

Well, there's a straight-six engine at the front...

..a manual gearbox in the middle and drive goes to the back.

That's page one, chapter one from the petrosexual handbook.

It just feels so... beautifully balanced.

Of course, all BMW M cars feel this way, they just feel...

better than Mercs, better than Audis, better than pretty much anything.

And just when you think it can't possibly get any better than this,

you push the little M button on the steering wheel...

..and the whole car shimmies.

It's like a shiver of excitement.

The feeling you get if someone suddenly gave you permission to set fire to Piers Morgan. Ooh, yes! Ooh!

In M mode, it's even more of a tyre-smoking mentalist.

Honestly, I haven't driven anything

this sort of perfect since...

I don't know, since the original Golf GTi, in fact.

And what makes that quite surprising is that the 1M is like a turkey curry on Boxing Day.

It's made from leftovers.

The door mirrors are from the current M3,

the rear axle is from the old one,

the engine is from a Z4.

It's a recipe that shouldn't work, but it does.

As we shall now see.

What we have here is a new, lighter, more powerful Porsche, the Cayman R.

And this is the new supercharged Lotus Evora S.

Both these no-compromise ground-huggers are purpose-built

to go like hell, so they should cream the sit-up-and-beg Beemer.

However, while the three-litre engine in this is from a Z4,

it's boosted to 340 horsepower with two tiny little turbochargers.

So, let's see how we get on.

So, £50,000 Porsche, £60,000 Lotus,

and the £40,000 BMW is showing them its many poo chutes! Ho-ho-ho!

A bit depressing if you've just bought a Lotus.

And there's more.

The Porsche and the Lotus are effectively two-seaters and there's hardly any luggage space at all.

You get the speed at a price.

But there's no price to pay with the 1M.

There's space in the back for two children, and room in the boot for two more.

It's a family saloon.

This, then, does to today's sports cars what the original Golf GTi did to the MG and the Triumph Spitfire.

It renders them...pointless.

Drawbacks?

Pfff, erm...

Maybe the sat-nav screen is a bit far away, and perhaps the ride

is a tad firm, but that said it's not as uncomfortable as my AMG Mercedes.

Actually, falling down a flight of stairs isn't as uncomfortable as my Mercedes.

Sustained machine-gun fire would be better than popping to the shops in that.

And anyway, you won't really notice the stiff suspension, partly because the seats

are so comfortable and partly because you'll be having such a good time.

This is a brilliant, brilliant, brilliant car.

And that's all, really, I've got to say. The end.

Now, in this country we like to do everything

we possibly can to make life more pleasant for disabled people.

We have pelican crossings that beep,

and ramps in front of public buildings, and buses that kneel down.

Yes, and there is even a range of off-road mobility scooters

so people with disabilities can get into the countryside and do rambling.

The problem is they don't look very off-roady to us.

This is hardly a Toyota Land Cruiser, is it?

-And they are fantastically expensive.

-This one is £6,500.

-Yes.

And that gave us an idea.

Could we do something genuinely worthwhile for once?

Could we build an off-road mobility scooter that doesn't cost a fortune?

Well, the producers told us we should go and do exactly that

and then meet up in Wales for a series of tests.

This is exactly the sort of damp,

muddy countryside that ramblists love.

Ideal conditions to test our machines.

This is what I have created. I built this from two scooters,

so I have ended up with two engines, four-wheel-drive -

the four at the back - and four-wheel steering -

the four at the front.

It's got chunky off-road lawnmower tyres, a sound system,

and binoculars for birdwatching. With that in mind, check this out.

This is a hide that fits over the top of the scooter,

so I can sneak up silently without frightening even

the most timid birds, a bird such as the pied wagtail, and the...

..the coot. Crikey!

Stephen Hawking has arrived.

-Were you not listening to the challenge?

-Yes.

It said, "mobility scooters, off-road".

Well, forgive me for taking it maybe a bit too seriously,

but as far as I can make out,

mobility scooters are for people who have difficulty walking.

I am concerned with people who have no choice but to be in this,

which is a wheelchair.

Why shouldn't people in wheelchairs be able to go rambling?

Right. I was with some disabled children the other day

and they are all confined to wheelchairs, all electric.

And they all say they wished they were a bit more "spunky",

was the word they used. "Fast" was actually the word they used.

This isn't fast. But it is versatile. That is the idea.

It can go anywhere. Once you get into the countryside...

-Don't do that.

-You have a coffee machine!

Yes, I've got everything. I've got drinks, satnav and comms, an electronic tablet.

-You mean an iPad?

-Exactly.

What's on the back?

A gravel dispenser that puts gravel under the wheels. I got the idea from railways.

-If you're a bit stuck...

-What is this handle for?

That is very clever, you see. When you are going up a steep part,

but want to remain level, that changes the angle of seat.

Then the peace of the morning was shattered

by the arrival of the local boy.

ENGINE RUMBLES

-That is him making that noise, isn't it?

-He looks like an idiot.

He is an idiot. He has built a half-track.

Hello!

I know.

Surely it is supposed to be A - electric,

and B - not for invading France?

Where did it say that it is supposed to be electric?

Isn't it in the regulations?

No, it isn't. Let me talk you through this.

The chassis is composed of two different vehicles.

A mobility trike here at the front end.

Then it is mated to one of those powered wheelbarrows builders use

for carting huge amounts of stuff over rugged terrain.

Obviously that gives it tremendous off-road capability,

-and in such an environment, you will need extras so I fitted a winch.

-Yes.

Not again! Have you mounted it to the front wings?

No, it is to the chassis this time. I have learned.

I have an inclinometer

because this can achieve incredible angles of lean.

This way and that way.

-Jerry cans for extra fuel.

-Can I just say - this is actually important -

we not only had to build machines that worked better

than what you could buy off-the-shelf off-road, but were cheaper.

This is the most important thing. Mine, all in, £2,700.

£2,400.

1,200 for the trike, 1,200 for the wheelbarrow,

the rest was just sweat and work.

-Interesting.

-What was yours?

-2,000, so that represents a massive saving.

There we are.

If you were disabled and wanted to go into the countryside... Exactly.

Obviously we would test our machines in the hills later

but first we had to make sure they worked in town.

This is very important.

A Range Rover doesn't just work in the countryside.

It has to work in the city as well. And so must this.

LOUD RUMBLING

I will do what I normally do in town which is go to the bakers'.

Good morning. Do you have an iced finger?

Morning.

There are many regulations, as you would imagine,

this being Britain, governing the use of mobility scooters,

and this meets almost all of them.

I am good for width, good for length, and good for speed.

But I do have a problem with weight, and so does my scooter.

Excuse me. I hate to do this, because...

I am trying to get down there and I am a bit stuck. So sorry.

Sorry, sorry. It is not quite as easy as it looks. Sorry. Goodbye.

STAFF: Goodbye.

Policeman. I have to be careful of the speed limit.

I'm only allowed to do 4mph in built-up areas.

-That is more than four!

-Feel the speed!

The speed!

4mph, officer.

You look really uncomfortable.

-It is my first time.

-Well, there you go.

I have done that a few times.

-Your feet are going like this all the time, aren't they?

-Yes.

But it is all on this little wizard's hat thing.

Just down there? Come on! All right. OK, OK.

Three, two, one... Go!

Ha!

Oh, come on!

That's all I've got.

Here is the big test. Will it fit in a disabled lavatory?

Yep.

HE GASPS

Morning. Just browsing.

Oh, that's bad. Agh! I'm sorry!

ENGINE ROARS

Despite the mishaps...

..we decided our machines worked well in an urban environment.

So we headed back out to the fields, where my half-track was even better.

It seems able to tackle quite steep slopes, which is potentially good.

Easy. Plenty of torque from that petrol engine.

Adaptive suspension is working. Look at that.

That has just climbed up there as if it wasn't there.

Check my wildlife screen. I think that is a blackbird.

OK, I am driving now in stealth mode.

Of course, you can't see that

because I am so well camouflaged, and silent.

I have to say the four-wheel-drive system

is working magnificently well.

The ride is good. The grip is good. I have built a Land Rover, here.

Oh, no! I have run over my hide.

Since the hide clearly needed more work...

HE SHOUTS

BLEEP!

..the producers told me to get rid of it and then gave us a challenge.

You will now report to...

ATTEMPTS TO SAY WELSH PLACE NAME

-No.

-It's a Welsh name.

CLARKSON GAGS IN ATTEMPT TO SAY NAME

It is not clearing up, that, is it?

...where you will take part in an off-road race.

-Hey, hey!

-Hang on. It gets worse.

You will work as a team against a group of wounded servicemen

who will be using the off-the-shelf off-road scooters.

The terrain we would have to cross was brutal.

Wet grass, mud and steep, wooded slopes.

The finish line was on a mountain 3km away

and this is who we were up against.

You're Nick.

-Mark.

-Mark.

-Ben.

-Ben.

So, let's just get the wounds worked out.

-Spinal injuries.

-Spinal injury.

-Right leg blown, amputee.

-Right leg... so that's nothing.

-There's...

-Yeah, kick as much as you want.

-Gone. And you are?

-Left arm, right leg.

-Left arm, right leg?

-Yeah.

-How did you do that?

As I was spinning down, I landed on the ground,

landing on my arm first,

-which just crumbled.

-Was it a bomb?

-Yeah.

Despite their injuries, though, they were feeling confident.

-Do you think you're going to beat us?

-Definitely.

-Yeah.

-Just playing mental games with us, don't listen.

-Put some beers in it.

-All right then.

-How many?

-A case of beers.

-A case of beers.

-I was going to say three!

-Cheers.

A case of beers. A case of beers.

'The military boys used their orienteering skills

'to map out a manageable route for their scooters.'

Take it easy on the rocky bit, then burn up when we can.

'We, however, were so confident in our engineering,

'we decided to go as the crow flies.'

We're being started with a traditional Welsh hunting horn.

REVVING

FEEBLE TOOT

-Go!

-Yeah!

Yes!

Yes!

Go, go, go.

Come on! James, we're a team!

This is full speed!

I hate it when they make us do a race. I should have known.

All right, boys?

THEY LAUGH

Let's get up this hill. Go, go, go.

There's no question mine is faster than yours.

And quieter. Ah!

Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, no, my steering's jammed.

I'm losing traction completely.

Go forward, go forward. Do a bit of convoy formation here, lads.

-That's a good effort.

-Go!

Yes! All right, now I can just...

..engage seat angle alteration.

Oh.

CHAIR BEEPING

'While Sir Randolph May was stuck, I went to help the orang-utan.'

Try and get the bodywork off the wheel.

If you try and turn the wheel to the left.

-This is teamwork now, isn't it?

-We're actually doing teamwork.

What am I thinking of?

I've got my gravel system to deploy.

Watch this.

Pulling the string dispenses gravel from the hopper

in front of the wheels, improving traction.

Deploy...

Hang a right.

Right, go, go, go!

Having mended Jeremy's scooter,

Thunderbird One then had to rescue me.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes!

-Oh, this is just...glorious.

-Tremendous!

Stop it.

Ow!

They're down there, look. There.

WHISTLE

-Losers.

-How did you get there?

We'll see you at the end.

I feel a crate of beer coming on.

Who the... Hammond!

They're ahead of us!

Go.

Left here, Ben! Go on, go, go, go.

'Worried by the progress of our rivals,

'Hammond and I stopped to discuss our colleague.'

I mean, look at him. He's pretty pointless.

CHAIR BEEPING

There is a bit of a...

a bit of a rise in the terrain, there.

Nope.

CHAIR BEEPING

-Do we, in these unique circumstances, merely leave him?

-Mm-hm.

Or shoot him and leave him?

'Because we were working as a team,

'we decided to just leave him.'

I feel bad. I do. I feel bad.

I'm getting better.

Right...

I think...that way.

The Pro Rider Road King is doing well here.

A moment of actual progress.

Mate, we're rolling.

'I was rolling, too,

'and had left Jeremy far behind.'

It's getting very muddy now, but that's OK.

This is where tracks are absolutely perfect.

JEREMY WHEEZES

BANGING

SCREAMS

Bloody Nora!

-Nav check.

-Be careful, man.

That was that road we saw on top of the ridge.

We're doing well, we're doing well.

-It's going to get tricky up there, them contour lines.

-Yeah.

Keep doing what we're doing.

Sportster, this is Pro Rider Road King, come in.

'I may need your winch a tiny bit.'

Oh, God.

'Once again, I had to abandon my pursuit of our rivals

'to go and rescue the orang-utan.'

What have you done?

Let it rock.

Go on!

Yeah, that's much better.

That isn't. Oh, no!

Lovely jubbly!

Go, go, go.

'The Pro Rider was eventually righted.'

Ha, ha, ha!

'But this teamwork nonsense wasn't getting us anywhere.'

Ram me.

Jeremy...

Go. It's going to be dark by the time I get there.

-Mate, I'm going to.

-Go.

-Be the team.

-For the team.

-And beat the soldiers.

-On the Top Gear thing that has suddenly become.

-Yes.

I'm not giving in, but I don't want you to wait any more.

So long, Pro Rider.

'Obviously, the servicemen were in the lead,

'but they were still taking the long way round.'

If I'm going to stand a chance of preserving my team's honour,

I'm going to have to go straight up.

Come on.

'To help me, my rivals were starting to struggle.'

Oh!

Mate... And my leg's fallen off.

We're through.

Lesser vehicles would have been just stumped by that.

-Are you stuck?

-Agh!

THUMP

SIGHS

Landed right on my GPS.

LAUGHTER

'Meanwhile, much further back...'

Now that my weight is on the back wheels,

I have traction.

Oh, yeah.

I'm surfing now.

If we bend it outwards.

'Mark's control panel had snapped off in the fall,

'and getting it fixed again had cost them precious time.'

-Did you hear that?

-Yeah, I can hear some engine.

-I can hear Hammond.

-Hammond?

-There's no

-BLEEP

-way he could have got up here that fast.

-Go, go.

Come on, don't stop, old Sportster!

I've got to pick my lines, keep it as level as I can.

-That's it, the summit's there.

-That's it, that's the summit.

Wahey!

It's a race to the finish line.

That's got to be the summit up there.

Come on! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Last push now, boys.

I'm going to make it!

-Keep going, keep going.

-Go, go, go. Last little bit.

Yes! This is it.

This is the summit.

LAUGHS

Oh.

-All right, lads?

-Welcome.

-Well done, mate.

-Well done, well done.

It's just me.

'Meanwhile, far, far away...'

Now, look at this.

It's a 17th-century pub.

And look at that step there.

If you were in a normal conventional electric wheelchair,

that would be game over and no pint.

But now, watch this.

Full power.

Hang on.

CHAIR BEEPING

Oh, cock.

'Still, could be worse.'

Fenton! Fenton!

Fenton!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

APPLAUSE

Mine was terrible.

I'm glad I pushed it down the hill and made Fenton jokes about it.

-Because it was rubbish.

-I'm sorry.

-What?

-Mine was a lot worse.

I don't know.

-I have to say, mine was brilliant.

-Er, it wasn't!

-It was.

I was the only one who made it.

I don't think you were, Hammond,

because you were beaten by these chaps.

I was, I was.

So, James, have you got something for them?

Yes, it is an absolute pleasure, gentlemen,

to give you, as promised, beer.

-APPLAUSE Well done, guys.

-Well done, chaps. You've earned it.

Now, can I just ask, because, as you know,

Top Gear is famous throughout the world for its consumer advice,

so which one of these three would you say was the best?

-This one wins hands down.

-The trike?

-But that's still expensive. What is it, five...

-£5,000.

-It's £5,000.

-I think I've got the answer to this, actually.

It's carmakers. Because you know how they are always branching out

and they make things like trendy designer kettles

and overpriced carbon-fibre mountain bikes,

why don't they just stop all that and concentrate on making

an affordable, off-road wheelchair or scooter that works?

If you think about it, this is a really good idea.

Carmakers making wheelchairs. It's a good idea.

It is a good idea. And it's on Top Gear.

And that IS a bombshell, so let's end, quickly. See you next week.

Take care, good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.