Episode 1 Boom Town

This programme contains some strong language

Hiya, my name's Cream.

Means Cash Rules Everything Around Me.

Don't forget that.

MUSIC: "Fix Up Look Sharp" by Dizzee Rascal

'I love this place, I come here all the time.

This is where the best ingredients are. It's the shit.'

I'm big into cooking, I'm a good cook.

My signature dish is Devonshire beef,

truffled mash sprinkled with Madeira sauce.

Now, that's the shit.

Yeah, that smells good.

'Being a rapper's all about'

bitches, money and fame, in that order.

What can I say? I love pussy.

Ooh, cat food.

'I got two cats, er, who I love - Money and Fame.'

I'm a rapper. Stands for Rude Ass Pussy Playin' Energy Roller.

Don't fuck with that.

Hello, Joel the train spotter here.

I'm here at my usual spot, train spotting. Please enjoy.

MUSIC: "Nightrain" by Guns N' Roses

Next train which I'm expecting should be a class...

..4-5-0 or triple four,

which will be expected to arrive in a couple of minutes,

and I sense it coming about now.

Just give it a minute.

OK... Ah, that's not the train.

Is this the 158?

No.

That's not the one.

That's not the one.

May my spellum bidding be done.

May my spellum bidding be done.

So may it be done!

Ah, come in.

Thank you.

-I'm Kev.

-OK.

-Just want you to give me a valuation of my property here.

Fantastic. That's what I'm here for.

May I introduce my wife, Sandy?

She takes different guises during the day, she's a cat at the moment.

-OK.

-She'll become something else later, but just ignore her.

All right. OK.

Um, just let me check something.

MAGICAL WHOOSHING

No, you're fine. Just checking you're the right estate agent.

-OK, yeah.

-We've been diddled a bit in the past, so...

-Um, OK, well, this is the living room.

-Yeah.

-Lovely high ceilings here.

-Yeah.

Um, I use that when me broomstick goes up.

Um, we do have a protective force field

that's in place around the flat, and that will be staying in place.

OK.

Do you think that would help at all, with the price?

Er, I-I doubt it would add any value, but I also doubt it would,

er, devalue the property in any way, either.

-OK. OK.

-OK.

Hi, I'm Jonny Nash - ladies' man.

MUSIC: "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO

-So, what do you do?

-Er, I'm a writer.

-I'm a writer, as well.

-You are? What do you write?

-Yeah. Dirty poetry.

-Dirty poetry?

-Yeah! I've got a good one here, actually.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

Just kind of like - "You look so innocent, you look so sweet,

"as long as I have a face you'll always have a seat."

LAUGHTER

So, I'll grab your number now and then, I tell you what,

we'll go out tomorrow night,

we can play, we can play carpenter tomorrow night.

-We can play what?

-Carpenter.

We'll go out, get hammered and then I'll nail you.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh, my God.

-BELL RINGS

-Sorry, I have to go.

-You have to go.

-Yeah.

-But before you go...

-Yeah?

How about your number?

My number's six. Give that a call.

# He's here, he's queer

# He takes it up the rear

# It's got to be Ally! #

MUSIC: "Die Young" by Keha

# Let's make the most of the night

# Like we're gonna die young. #

OK, guys, I'm going to read you a nice love story today for a nice change.

It's a bit of romance,

cos we all need a bit of romance in our lives, don't we, guys?

QUIET SNORING

I thought it would make a change from all the horror stories

I keep reading you about pet cemeteries,

and yous don't want to be hearing about cemeteries, do you, really?

Not at your stage of life. OK, so let's begin.

"Alan had not noticed the new lifeguard on the beach before.

"As he put down his towel in his usual spot,

"which always got the best of the day's sun, he couldn't help

"glancing towards the white wooden steps the lifeguards always sat on.

"The lifeguards on this beach were always good looking,

"but there was something else about this one,

"something which meant Alan couldn't take his eyes off him.

"He had a muscular build, rippling biceps and skin the colour of caramel,

"which glistened and sparkled with sand,

"and the fiercest blue eyes Alan had ever seen

"under a mop of soft blonde hair.

"But from where Alan was now lying there was something else, too,

"as the lifeguard casually shifted his legs wide apart,

"giving Alan the full frontal view of his..."

THUNDER RUMBLES

DRAMATIC MUSIC

How long does it take for a bus?

Hell, I don't know, do I? Probably about an hour.

An hour? That's a bit too far.

We've been waiting here, how long now? Ten, 15 minutes?

That's not really that long - long is like two hours.

I'm not going to wait two hours for a bus.

I know, well we haven't waited for that long, have we?

But you can't say waiting for ten, 15 minutes is a long time.

It is for a bus.

Rise, price of flat, higher and higher, rise!

Mighty power, higher and higher.

-Hiya.

-Welcome back. You've had a good look round?

I've had a very good look round.

A couple of bits here and there I would say need decoration before the re-let of the property.

But, I believe, with everything put in place, we could reach a figure around 575.

OK. I'd like to offer you a drink.

MYSTICAL MUSIC

Quite a nice taste, isn't it?

It's not bad, actually, not bad at all.

-Mm, that's a magical potion that I made up earlier.

-OK.

To try and put your mind into a mode that will kind of up the price.

-OK.

-To push it all the way to the roof, if you can.

At the moment I'm going to stick with the, er...

price I said of 575.

-See what happens when the telepathy kicks in.

-OK.

And I think, in the meantime, my wife down there is also thinking thoughts at you.

Yeah.

What it might do, um, might be useful,

is if I do a quick evaluation ceremony.

Yeah.

OK. Yeah, that's fine.

ELEMENTS OF EARTH AND AIR, FIRE AND WATER,

DRAWN TOGETHER FROM EVERY QUARTER, SO MAY IT BE DONE!

OK.

Any difference in the price, do you think?

Again, not at the moment. I'll still keep it at the 575 figure.

-OK, well, thank you for coming round.

-That's no problem whatsoever.

-And, er, you've got my phone number.

-Yeah.

-For WHEN I change your mind.

I doubt I will change my mind, to be honest.

I'm sure you're going to change your mind.

-OK. I can't see it changing.

-I really am sure.

-OK.

-Anyway, let me see you out.

OK, thank you very much.

So may it be done!

Time for the finger of awesomeness and the thumb of power.

MUSIC: "Sweat" by Snoop Dogg

# I just wanna make you sweat. #

Hi, guys. Just like in real life,

you might find yourself just about to step in a pile of shit.

Doesn't mean you have to.

You can always step over it.

Job done.

Use trees and all living things to harness the power of energy.

Ha! Feeling energised and awesome!

Make good use of the dog,

and play with the children.

My name's Dorota. I am an actress.

I'm exclusive lady and I love film. Thank you.

Hello. My name is Atonu.

I am the husband and manager of this talented actress.

MUSIC PLAYED THROUGH PHONE: "Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison

MUSIC STOPS

Hi, do you remember me?

No. Er, yes.

You didn't se...sell me test yesterday.

-Do you working on commission?

-Yes.

This is big, big mistake. Huge one!

Now I going for the shopping.

MUSIC STARTS

HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Oh, yes.

HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Sorry.

Still waiting for the class treble four to come through.

That's not it.

No.

4-5-0, that's not it.

HE EXHALES

Oh, is that the train?

No.

MUSIC: "Candy" by Robbie Williams

-Ola.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Very good to meet you. Jack.

-Ah, my name is Talina.

-Great to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

You too. Please take a seat.

Er, Jack...

I'm a simple girl. I'm looking for exotic luxury adventure.

Er, how many persons would be travelling?

Two.

-Two.

-HE LAUGHS

Actually, you know,

do you think we can look around in the hot steamy jungle?

Yes, um, well, that's...

So, what can you offer?

We could have a look at properties in the Caribbean for you,

and then you said going to the jungle, as well.

What we can do at Abercrombie & Kent is that, certainly for...

I think your eyes, it's really very blue, like sea.

Thank you, that's very kind of you to say. Thank you.

I really would like to travel.

I would like to wide my horizon...

OK.

Would you like to widen my horizon?

When I look into your eyes I really feel myself so happy.

LAUGHTER

-That's awfully kind of you to say.

-Yeah.

I'm a super lover undercover, there can never be no other.

Not many people know this about me,

but I'm world class at Sudoku and crosswords.

Nobody can beat me at a crossword,

and if they try I have to take 'em out.

DANCE MUSIC

What a lovely morning!

The tea is ready already.

How warm! How cosy!

How beautiful would it be to share it with a loving wife and children?

SONG: "Tea for Two" by Pablo Bubar

# Picture you upon my knee

# Just tea for two and two for tea

# Just me for you and you for me, alone

# Nobody near us, to see us or hear us

# No friends or relations on weekend vacations

# We won't have it known, dear

# That we own a telephone, dear

# Day will break and you'll awake

# And start to bake a sugar cake

# For me to take for all the boys to see

# We will raise a family

# A boy for you, a girl for me

# Oh, can't you see

# How happy we would be? #

-Hello.

-Hello!

How are you?

Better now that you're here.

LAUGHTER

-I'm Angel.

-They call me Coffee.

-Coffee?

-Yeah.

-Coffee.

-Cos I grind so fine.

LAUGHTER

Very good. What do you do?

-I'm an astronaut.

-Astronaut, yeah?

-Yeah.

-And my next mission...

-Are you?

..is to explore Uranus.

Yeah?!

LAUGHTER

I like it, carry on.

You like a bit of that, eh?

I've gone all quiet now!

You are bad boy!

Yes, I am, baby!

Yeah, why don't we get out of here? We can do a 68.

-A 68, yeah?

-Mm.

-Not a 69?

-Do you know what it is?

-No.

It's where you go down on me and I'll owe you one.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh!

Let me show you some of the finer oral actions.

Yeah?

-Oh, my God!

-HE FLAPS HIS TONGUE

Oh, my gosh! It looks like a false tongue.

LAUGHTER

That's a trick one, isn't it? Oh, my gosh.

Trust you to get a naughty thing in...

-Oh, my God!

-Woo!

-Yeah, I've got a little tattoo.

-So, the little one is where?

-It's a ten-inch ruler.

-Oh, it's a ten inch ruler!

You know where it's tattooed!

-That's good. I thought you couldn't get out of that one.

-Yeah.

MUSIC: "Bom Bom" by Sam and the Womps

HORN BLARES AND BIKE CRASHES

-Excuse me.

-Yes?

Do you have any outfits

made up of sanitary pads?

Sanitary... Sanitary pads?

Yes.

-Um, no.

-How about something like this?

Um...

I'm the one which actually made it and I designed it.

In your shop I can see that you don't have something

-as unique as this maxi dress.

-No, we don't.

-Do you like it?

-Er...

Not personally.

-I actually think that it suits you.

-Suits me?

Yes, I think so. And it's actually unique.

Nobody has actually worn something like this, um, outfit.

It's a maxi dress. What it simply does, it's, er...

I think it's quite unattractive, cos you're wearing sanitary towels.

Right. The idea is uniqueness.

Nobody's actually done, er, any, er, any outfit with sanitary towels.

Mmm.

Why, why did you want to design something like this?

-If you, if you're on the beach...

-Yeah.

..having your bikini, just put this one on top and it's fine.

It's not a very good material, though, for the beach,

cos this would, like, absorb the water and...

If you wear this dress, you go outside,

within hours you'll be in the newspaper.

Yeah, probably thinking you're crazy.

They'll be following you.

If you can actually buy this design,

you might actually make very good customers which are celebrities.

Yeah.

MUSIC: "Gold Dust" by DJ Fresh

Hello.

Hi, Louis, how'd you do? I'm Chris.

-I'm Louis.

-Yeah. Have a seat, mate.

-Thank you.

Right then.

Now, let's start.

Tell me all about yourself.

I'm working in a butcher's, I just feel like

I want to do something else and I really ain't sure what I want to do.

-What type of something else would that be?

-Not too sure.

When I was at school they sent me on courses,

I did bricklaying, a little bit of plumbing.

When you're doing something that you really enjoy doing,

what-what is that?

And maybe, cos what we could then do is turn that interest

or passion that you've got into, er, a job.

Well, this is a skill I have.

MUSIC: "Scream and Shout" by Will.I.Am

-MUSIC STOPS

-Yeah, I think that's cool Louis.

-I don't think that we need to demonstrate it. No.

-No?

-No.

Don't you like it?

Well, I don't know, man. I mean, it's really not for me, is it?

-Why is it not for you?

-Mm?

Everyone likes different things, don't they?

Yeah, but...

MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC STOPS

You looked shocked.

No, bemused, man.

-Bemused?

-Yes.

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

MUSIC STOPS

Tell you what Louis, why don't you put your clothes back on, mate?

I think we've seen enough. Let me give you some notes.

-Come on, pull your chair right in.

-LOUIS LAUGHS

Right, take a pen.

OK, what makes you think you can be a male stripper?

Well, I enjoy having a good time with the ladies,

and I've got a nice-sized piece.

Right, OK. Right.

PHONE RINGS

'You know who I am! I am coming...!'

My God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my...

'You don't know anything about me, but I know everything about you.

'I am coming...'

Oh, my God, he is coming! Oh, my God, he is coming!

Oh, my God, he is coming! Oh, my God, he is coming!

Oh, my god, he is coming! Argh!

'Coming, coming, coming...'

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

-Finished, yeah?

-Mm.

Still waiting.

Not yet.

Um, what kind of accommodation do you think we should have?

Maybe a honeymoon suite?

I do have a, a girlfriend Vicky,

who's the absolute love of my life, so, you know...

It's so, so sweet. Do you have very nice friend?

Er, yes, I've lots of very good friends, yeah.

-OK, fine, he can take me.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, so, actually I have idea...

Do you think me and your friend, do you think we can join you

-and your girlfriend when you're going for holidays?

-LAUGHTER

The holidays I have with my girlfriend, they're very special,

they're very intimate, so I want to make sure...

It's all right, you will have more fun with me and your friend.

HE LAUGHS

Well, I guess in one sense I would need to know your preferred price range?

-Uh?

-Your preferred price range.

Why do you need to think about the price?

Oh, just so I get a gauge, I want to make sure I'm meeting all of your expectations.

I don't really think I need to know the price.

I mean, it doesn't really matter, but you can give the price

to your friend and I think he will be happy to pay.

Well, um, what...

Once he meet me, do you know, to be honest, I'm a happiness.

I bring happiness.

-Mm-hmm.

-But I think it's not a lot.

I think your friend will be fine to pay.

-LAUGHTER

-I mean, certainly with...

Because how I told you, I'm a normal girl, I'm a simple one,

-but I have very high standard.

-Mm-hmm.

If you do have any questions I'm only one phone call or e-mail away. I'm here to help.

Sure. I will call you tonight.

Thank you, that's very kind,

but, um, my office hours at the moment are ten till six o'clock.

THUNDER RUMBLES

DRAMATIC MUSIC

What I have been told is that you're not supposed to...

When it's raining or really pouring down,

-you're supposed to walk home in the rain, not run.

-Really?

Because you get, you get less wet,

-Cos when you run you're running into the rain more.

-Mm.

-So that's what gets you more wet.

-Well, I never knew that at all.

-Yeah. So that's a handy tip for when you're in the rain...

-Yeah?

..and it's pouring down, you just walk home, don't run.

"Alan had never made a movie like this before.

"The whole film set was around a pool in the hills above Los Angeles,

"and even before he had arrived, half the cast seemed to have

"all their clothes off, and they were frolicking in the hot tub.

"Amongst them, someone Alan recognised -

"well-built with caramel coloured skin and a mop of blonde hair."

QUIET SNORING

"He was clearly going to be the biggest star of this film

"and Alan could see why."

Could be a long day, Ronnie.

MUSIC: "Get Hyper" by Droideka

Front elevation, side elevation, plan.

Originally this one were about nothing -

three people staring into the abyss.

Then I thought about Moses, then I decided on the French Revolution

because I thought this one would bring the crowds in.

The French Revolution -

the story, their heads come off and they fall into the basket.

That's pretty good, that,

and it fetched the crowds in,

similar to what I'm trying to do.

This one should get 'em thinking quite deep.

Yeah.

I like it.

Ugh!

Ugh! Argh!

Hang on a minute, guys, I'll be with you in a second,

I'm just trying to push this wall over.

Of course, I'm not really trying to push the wall over, am I?

But how many times do you come up against an obstacle in your life

and you try and barge your way through it?

Wouldn't it just be simpler to step away and find a way round it?

-What's this now?

-That's my ex.

Ah, see now...

Oh, she's... That's Charlotte Church, isn't it?

-Mm.

-She's your ex?

-Yeah.

-That's in my restaurant.

-So, she came to your restaurant,

and then you said she was your girlfriend!

But why would she come to my restaurant?

Maybe she likes the food.

-Did you meet her...

-Huh?

-..and then take this photo and say she's your girlfriend?

-No.

Um... Well, good on you,

Charlotte Church is a gorgeous girl, so...

Mm, I'm hot.

-I'm burning up right here!

-I know the feeling.

Hotness!

Oh, wow, that's pretty cool. SHE LAUGHS

If I do that will it burn me? It smells a bit!

-That's just my skin.

-That's just you!

-"Just my skin burning, it's fine."

-Yeah, just my hand frying up.

-I'm well into male grooming myself.

-Are you?

Yeah, had a little male grooming accident.

What happened?

-I thought I'd go laser my chest.

-Laser your chest?

Yeah, I did a couple of treatments, but I couldn't hack it.

You didn't man up?

So, what, you're half and half, or...? Oh, are we going to see?

Oh, I'm very excited about this.

Oh, what are we going to see? How far down did they go?!

I did say I was a dancer.

Oh, it kind of looks like a little top.

Stands for V.

-V?

-Yeah.

-Why?

V-I-P.

Why is this telephone not ringing? You have su...you...

RING TONE

HE GROANS

Hello.

Hello, is Transylvania there?

Yes.

Can I talk with Count Dracula, please?

Er, speaking.

Do you remember me? It's me, Claudia.

It is you?

You want me? You want me?

You want me?

Yes, yes, yes, I want you.

No problem. Where are you?

In London.

No problem.

I will see you tomorrow at midnight

at Muswell Hill, in London.

But be careful - if you want not to be bitten by me

then you must bring garlic with you,

because the temptation is too strong for me,

and if I bite you then you remain for me for ever.

Therefore, the choice is up to you.

In anyway, I will see you tomorrow at midnight.

I cannot wait. My heart is once again jump for you.

See you on Wuswiff Hill.

Flirt stands for Fuck Love, I'd Rather Tease.

Roses are red, the grass is green,

give me that body and I'll cover it with cream.

Always being knocked over by vans and bicycles?

Try walking on the pavement, it's a lot safer.

Power up!

Got a problem you can't find a solution to?

Need a second opinion?

Well, what better person than yourself?

But don't internalise it -

have a conversation with yourself, move to a second chair.

"Hello, Garth, what problem are you having?"

"Well, it's quite simple, I can't find a solution to what I'm doing."

"Oh, really? Well, maybe I can help."

It's easy, isn't it?

And if that doesn't help, bring a third person in.

"Hello, how are you?"

"So what's your opinion in all this, then?"

"Well, actually, I think that maybe if you did this and you did that,

"we'd find a solution."

Simple.

MUSIC: "Approaching Twilight" by Tim Garland

Oh, nice to see you after so many years. You looking great.

Argh!

SHE LAUGHS

What you say...have done? Now I stay with you for ever.

I'm still waiting for it.

Oop, here it comes, the class 155 locomotive,

please enjoy as it goes through.

And this is definitely the train.

HE CHUCKLES

# It's the B to the O to the O-M town,

# Crazy-ass people all around

# Jump around to the funky sound

# Girls looking fine so get down

# Now, welcome, everybody, to my city

# Now let's get downhill to the nitty-gritty

# It's the B to the O to the O-M town

# Crazy-ass people all around

# Jump around to the funky sound... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd