Episode 2 Boom Town

Hiya, my name's Cream.

It means Cash Rules Everything Around Me.

Don't forget that.

Next week, I'm going to be cleaning up on my world wide tour.

But this week, I'm cleaning up on my mum's crib -

gangster style!

And also, paying my mum her this month's rent.

# And away we go Yes, to the flow

# Now I gots to go To another kitchen show

# To rip more jeans See how the Cream getting lyrical

# When I grab the microphone it melts just like a miracle. #

Yeah! Ti-ti-tica-tica-tic.

# I'm the best cleaner. Yeah, yeah, yeah

# I'm the be-be-be-best, best, best, best cleaner. #

May my spell, bling, be done. May my spell, bling, be done.

So may it be done!

Hello there.

-Hi.

-Hi, I'm Kevin.

Morning. Mark, nice to meet you.

When did it have its last service?

Service's just been done. We've recently just done it.

Was that, eh, with holy water or was that by prayer?

As far as I know, it's just bog-standard water.

Right. So no blessing of any sort?

No.

The actual vehicle looks thousands of years old.

I think the metal could be ancient Egyptian even.

-Do you mind if I just get some vibes from the car.

-No.

Please, please, you feel free.

# A-a-a-ah! #

Are you aware it's actually haunted?

Um, no.

I would say that it's got at least three spirits

and one of them is possessing it.

-At least three?

-At least three, yes.

-Right.

No, I wasn't aware of that.

I mean, would you mind if I exorcised the car?

Not sure.

Elements of earth and air and fire water,

drawn together from every quarter,

may any evil spirits and evil impurities within this car be banished.

So may it be done!

THUNDER CRACKLES

Hello, Joel the bus spotter here.

I'm here at my usual location, bus spotting -

looking for the 93 bus. Please enjoy.

That lorry is not the bus.

That pedestrian was not the bus.

Forget Casanova, I'm the Nahanova.

What would you like to achieve through doing this?

-I say three things...

-Yeah.

..get made, get paid, get laid.

-Escorting services is totally nothing to do with sex, yeah?

-Mm.

Obviously, because it is an internet-based agency

-and we've got a website...

-Mm.

-..pictures are very important.

-You've got to go out and get a professional photographer...

-Oh,

-I did a...I've done a great headshot.

-Mm-hm.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one.

-That's more like my sex pose.

Uh-huh. Do you have any more pictures?

Yeah, I made a couple more. Got some of my skills I could show.

-Mm. All right, all right, all right.

-That's probably my sexiest pose, I guess.

-NAH LAUGHS

-Yeah?

I got this one but this is for the fantasies.

I think of myself as a superhero with a special power.

I've had a couple of, like, sort of like, known girlfriends.

-This is one of them - Charlotte Church.

-Mm-hm. All right.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, OK. OK.

I'd say I've been learning the great art

-of international muff diving, for years.

-Mm-hm.

You know what I mean -

smack clam, munch rug, dine at the one pink taco stand.

Take that shit to the car wash, you know like,

wax that shit, air dry.

That is my speciality - air dry that shit.

-Cos my tongue's like normal size.

-Mm-hm.

All right.

HE LAUGHS

So I'm like, "Yeah!"

Hi, my name's Dorota.

I am exclusive lady.

This is my husband, Atonu.

Today, I present my acting skill in the grief.

In the grief scene.

-HE SPEAKS POLISH ...in a...in the grief scene.

-Mm-hm.

In the grief.

-Today, I present my acting skill in the grief.

-Scene.

Today, I present my acting skill as a grief scene.

In a grief scene.

Today, I present my acting skill in the grief scene.

In a grief scene.

In a grief scene.

-In a grief scene, that's it.

-My god!

Today I present my acting skill in...in the grief.

-Scene, grief scene.

-Grief scene.

-Today, I present my acting skill is a grief scene.

-Nie.

HE SPEAKS POLISH

...singer, model, chcesz acting.

-SHE RESPONDS IN POLISH

-..acting. Dobra, dobra.

-No...

-Not acting, OK. OK.

-No...

-Dobra.

Today, I present my acting skills in a grief scene.

Hi, my name's Dorota.

This is my husband, Atonu.

Today, I present my skill as an actress,

scene of grieving.

-No, that was very good.

-OK?

-That was very good.

Delighted to meet you, enchanting lady.

Will our love be coated with our arms?

Sorry, I am too shy to kiss you

but that's no reason why we shouldn't dance

to a land of romance.

# And that's why birds do it

# Bees do it

# Even educated fleas do it

# Let's do it, let's fall in love

# Some Argentines without means do it

# People say in Boston even beans do it

# Let's do it, let's fall in love. #

-So now we start acting, Dorota.

-Mm.

No, relax. Sit the...

-Yes, now relaxed.

-Read the magazine.

Relax, like that.

OK.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hello.

Can I speak with Elizabeth Cox?

Speaking.

This is police. I have a bad news for you, madam.

What happen?

Do you know Sonny?

Yes.

Mr Sonny had a...bad accident.

-What?

-Mr Sonny is...

-in a coma.

-Thank you.

Oh, my... Oh!

Oh, my god!

-SHE GASPS

-Accident - my son...

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

How I can live without him?

SHE SNIFFS

What I can do?

This is my boyfriend, I cannot replace him.

My sunshine. Ugh!

My sunshine...

SHE SOBS

I miss him.

Oh, I want to die with him... I love him so much.

O-o-o-o-oh.

No, I must wake up. What I can do? I must see him, I must see him.

-Quickly!

-SHE CRIES

He's here, he's queer,

he takes it up the rear - it's got to be Ally.

Hey, guys. I thought we'd try something different today

cos I'm bored of watching you every afternoon

dribbling over Homes Under the Hammer.

So I thought we'd liven it up a bit and have a bit of music.

-MUSIC: "Scream" by Usher

-Come on, guys! Work with me here. Bit of clapping.

Make out we're clubbing.

There's a fitty in front of you, you want their number.

Let's do the windmill whilst doing hands in the air.

Let's go hands in the air and the windmill.

Move the hips.

You better be careful there, Myrtle, actually,

cos you've only one left.

Slap my windmill, come on, Maud!

There we go. Uh!

Boris, look lively! There's a hot babe in front of you.

We're at the bar, we're in the club.

What are you going to do? There's a fit babe there!

Grab the boobies. Grab the boobies, Boris.

Come on, you should be good at that.

Grab!

# I was here, everybody, so come and get me!

# You want me! #

Come on, Bertie, make it hurtie. Come on, Bertie.

Ooh!

The best thing about domestic work

is I can chill out during the day, watching Bargain Hunt.

My boy David Dickinson, the original gangster.

Fake tan represent.

you know what I'm saying?

East coast versus west coast.

Yeah, I'm coming for you.

Bam, I got you, there. Bam, I got you!

HE MAKES MACHINE GUN SOUNDS

What is that?

Just leaving my tag, know what I'm saying?

Picking up litter

and picking up bitches - I'm good at both, y'all.

You killed my brother!

Let me get you. Let me get you!

I'm going to get you.

Oh, shit.

Goddamn, my mum's gon' kill me.

What do you like best - sun or rain?

-The sun, obviously.

-Yeah,

I don't like the hot, hot sun, you know,

-where you're sweating in bed...

-Yeah.

..but the medium type sun, where it's cool and warm at the same time.

Could be a long day, Ronnie.

Get hyper.

This is a new one.

Controversial, thought provoking,

it should get 'em all interested.

It's called Skin.

This should bring the crowds in.

This is Daphne from Australia, she's a white chick.

This is Edith from Papua New Guinea, she's a black chick.

But she's got dual citizenship in New Zealand.

And they're just not getting on, at all.

I don't know what your problem is, Edith,

I don't know what your problem is, Daphne,

but you've got to sort it out.

You've got to come in, you've both got to get on board

and you've got to work it out cos I'm telling you now

it is not my problem.

Get hyper.

Hi, come and sit down.

Hello.

-Hi. How are you doing?

-My name is Talina, how are you?

-I'm very well, thanks.

-What's your name?

-Jamie.

-Nice to meet you, Jamie.

-Pleased to meet you.

-So,

I'm still Talina.

You know, I'm just a simple girl and really, really normal

and nothing special at all

but I know zat you have something special for me.

What kind of swimming pool do you have?

Um, we have all sorts of swimming pools.

It really depends the type that you're looking for.

-OK.

-Would you like to look through some of these?

-Yeah.

Can we do zis one?

Yeah, you can do that for sure.

And do you think we can go

under ze cover together?

Mm-hm.

Or we could do something like this pool here. This'd do you.

This pool here's got a moving floor so you can use it for parties,

when the pool's not being used as a pool.

I would love to see you fun time.

Do you know, I think you look so handsome and so intelligent,

I just really want to dive in.

You really put a spring in my step.

-Excellent.

-And now, let's talk about payment.

Oh, that's easy. We just take a 10% deposit now.

I don't really like to think about money.

Why do I need to think about?

Why do I need to ask, "How much is that?"

I want to have the swimming pool.

-Mm-hm.

-We don't need to pay for it.

No, we do.

To be honest, I'm not really sure if you want to see me

in my special swimming suit.

I'm not sure if that's entirely appropriate.

I'm not sure either.

I call it my birthday suit.

I'm sure it's a very fine suit

but we'd still have to talk about the money.

No!

-I could give you a discount.

-Hmm.

What would you be thinking of?

If I could get it to under £6,000, how does that sound?

And that includes the entities within the car?

Free of charge.

I...I think somewhere in the fives would be very lucky.

You want me levitate the car?

OK. Good, OK.

Hum-m-m-m!

Rise. Rise. Rise.

Rise. Rise. Rise. Rise.

Nothing happening. I think it's because

of the weight of the spirits in the car. Hmm.

Do you mind if I take it for a psychic test drive?

-Psychic test drive?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-OK.

Vroom. Vrm, vrm, vrm.

Mmm-m-m-m.

Mmm-m-m-m.

Mmm-m-m-m.

-Huh, we're back.

-Good.

Good trip?

-Almost hit a pedestrian and a psychic traffic warden...

-OK.

..nearly booked me.

-But very nice drive.

-Good.

-Excellent.

-What about that one over there?

Which one are we looking at, the silver BMW?

-That's the one.

-OK.

What would you like to know about that one?

Wow! Can you hear that?

That sounds like a million souls crying out.

RECORDED WAILING PLAYS

They use medium like that to come through.

-Definitely possessed.

-What, the car?

-Yeah.

-OK.

That's not the bus.

MAN SHRIEKS AND CRASHES

-Hello, you must be Clare.

-Hi. Yes, I'm Clare.

Pleased to meet you.

Clare, I'm Afro British Gaga...

-OK.

-..and that means that I design outrageous outfits,

-just as what you can see.

-OK.

And I would like to know whether it is possible to put my, eh,

designs through to your magazines.

I'm just... very noticeable that you're wearing

-jay cloths and sponges.

-And if I have to take away this...

..I am now part of the beachwear.

-OK.

-What you can see now - I'm ready to go for a beach

and there is this design with the pegs.

-Oh, it's pegs, yeah.

-And this design of it,

it also goes with...

-OK.

-It goes with this...

-OK.

-..with this beachwear.

So I'm home and dry for this one when I'm ready to go for a beach.

-You can have, Clare, a look at this.

-Yeah. No, I can see.

Yeah, right. I can put it aside.

I think we are...we are working on the same wavelength.

Clare, maybe this outfit will actually convince you.

No.

Not at all.

-Before you make a conclusion...

-I've already made a conclusion.

This is a hat, which you can actually, like, wear like this

-that becomes a...

-But I'm just...I'm struggling.

I'm really struggling to see how you could have possibly

got inspiration from using sanitary towels to make clothes.

Not for me. It doesn't, you know...

-That's fine I have no problem with you.

-You're very daring.

But I will give you time to be imaginative like me.

-'Hello?'

-Hi, I'm here about the room.

'Come on up.'

-Guys, this is Louis.

-You all right?

-Hi, nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you, mate.

-I'm Jay.

-I'm Catherine.

-Hello, Catherine.

-Nice to meet you.

-And what was your name, sorry?

-Zita.

-Zita.

-Nice to meet you.

Thanks for having me here today to have a look round. It's...

Do you want a glass of wine?

Yes, please. I'll have a glass of wine.

So have you seen many other places?

To be fair, this is my first.

It's not the biggest of rooms but it's got everything

you need in it. There's plenty of storage in there as well.

-Lovely.

-So, it's OK.

What do you do? Like, what do you do for a living?

Well, um, I'll show you if you like.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my god!

MUSIC: "Scream and Shout" by Britney Spears and Will.i.am

SHOUTS DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC

-Oh, God!

-Well...

SPEECH DROWNED OUT

Shit!

Oh, god.

We've got someone else coming round now.

-THE GIRLS LAUGH

-Oh, God.

Get that thing away from me.

-Yes!

-Do you want some?

No, I'm absolutely fine. Thank you.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oooh, dear. It's coming round now.

-Oh, God.

-T'rific. Terrific.

-MUSIC STOPS

-Oh, God!

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

-We've got a girl round next, haven't we?

-Yeah.

-Hopefully.

So, is the room mine?

Well, you know, I think she's got your details, eh, on her phone so...

LAUGHTER

I'm sure we'll be able to find you. Are you on Facebook?

Me on a Friday night!

Wouldn't you love to see this in a club?

A bit of this and a bit of this.

Come on, Boris, want to come home with me?

There's my number.

Come and get it! Yeah, look at that.

Look at that, want some of this? Want some of this?

Want some of this? Yeah, come on Boris.

If you want me, you've got to come and get me. Come on.

Come and get me, Boris.

Slap the bootie.

Woo!

Come on, baby. Come on, baby!

Whoa! Buns of steel.

look at them go, mother fucker! Yay.

Hello, my sunshine.

I am very glad you sent me very beautiful bunch of flower.

You are my sunshine, you are my heart,

you are my salt.

I send you big huge kiss. Can you see me?

Yes, I can see you.

Before I go, I sing song for you.

BACKING TRACK: "You're My Heart, You're My Soul"

# You my heart

# You my salt

# Can you shine wherever go then

# Hearts

# You my salt

# Yes, me, your love is grow

# You my heart

# You my salt

# That's the way that really know. #

Time for the finger of awesomeness and the thumb of power.

I'm just about to make a meal.

Now, cooking usually involves a lot of cutting,

so you need to make sure you've got a sharp knife.

Improvise.

Why don't you try cutting through something like a banana.

If it goes straight through,

that's the knife for the job.

Power up!

If you're chopping an onion, here's a tip -

don't do it on the floor or on the fridge door,

pick up a chopping board, lay it on a flat surface,

that'll stop the tears.

Improvise.

Still waiting.

-There's one last thing we can try to let the spirits out.

-OK.

We have to open all the doors and windows.

-Do you think you could open the boot and bonnet?

-I can, yeah.

-Do you want me to do that now?

-Yes, let's open these.

-Certainly.

I want you to shout as loud as you can,

"Vile demons be gone!"

And keep saying it until they've gone.

Is it... will it work?

Yeah, I'm certain.

Vile demons be gone! Vile demons be gone!

Vile demons be gone!

-Keep going.

-Vile demons be gone!

Vile demons be gone! Vile demons be gone!

Vile demons be gone! Are we done?

-Keep going.

-Keep going!

Vile demons be gone!

Vile demons be gone!

And I'll tell you what is a nightmare - the traffic.

-They've blocked all the roads off.

-Yeah.

And the bus we get to the shopping precinct,

-it goes two stops further away now...

-Does it?!

..and you've got to walk the rest of the way.

-Well that's a bit...

-Cos it's blocked our bus stop off.

-That's not fair, is it?

-No.

-I don't like walking far.

No, it's, it's quite annoying.

CLATTERING SOUND EFFECTS

What happened to us, my love?

Don't die on me, please.

-CLATTERING CONTINUES

-Don't!

999, please! We have accident.

Northcote Road. Please, come quickly.

Oh!

SHE MOANS DRAMATICALLY

I sense a bus coming.

It is the 93 bus. Please enjoy.

Oh, here comes another one, too.

That is definitely the bus.

Yeah.

Next!

My name is Nahimus Meridieth.

Are you ready for me to blow your mind?

I'm ready when you are.

NO MUSIC PLAYS

HE LAUGHS

It's jammed.

HE GRUNTS

The chicks are going to love the anticipation.

Show some flesh for the ladies.

Oh, wow!

This is...be careful.

Wow.

Oh!

-Woo!

-Ow.

I'm a matador.

Woo!

THE JUDGES GIGGLE

Bad ass!

Can you handle this?

Start the fire.

Punch the invisible man, stick 'em up and the dragonfly.

Oops.

Ah!

HE GROANS

(Yeah!)

Thank you very much.

I'm Jonny Nah.

Can I ask you a question?

I can start tomorrow. Thank you.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd