Episode 6 Boom Town

This programme contains adult humour

Forget Casanova, I'm the Nashanova.

# Let's talk about sex! #

Oh, grief! Oh, man!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

My bad. Sorry, sorry.

That's... God, that's all right. Wow, whirlwind.

There are moments in life that have defound history.

Man walking on the moon, Obama being President, me hitting puberty.

And today is as different as any other day, but it's not.

Cos today is the defining moment in sex.

This I call the Nash Basher.

Modelled on the great man himself.

Now, I'm known for my art of muff-diving.

To smack clam, munch rug, dine at the one pink taco stand,

take it to the car wash, air dry that Chevy.

Wax it, you know the deal.

So what this one is, this is designed for the ladies.

So what we have is we have an extending, vibrating tongue.

Oh, God, that's the worst thing I've ever seen.

-Moving on, then.

-OK.

I call this range Whip-Nash. Standard bondage gear.

Edgy gimp mask, yeah.

And the best thing is, my Whip-Nash will be a seasonal package.

Everything rolled into one for a kinky weekend.

Right...

Whip-Nash.

Time for the finger of awesomeness and the thumb of power.

# Let's get physical, physical! #

Fancy a drink? Well, why not go to the pub?

And remember, if it's alcohol you want, don't have too much

or you might end up drunk.

Unless, of course, that's what you want.

Power up! Smoking's really bad for your health.

Don't do it. But, if you have to, go outside cos that's the law.

May my spell and bidding be done, may my spell and bidding be done.

Fomabedoes!

-Hello.

-Hello, mate, need any help?

I'm looking for a new familiar.

-Basically my last one was shot, um, flying over London.

-OK.

-Do you sell any blood-sucking bats?

-No.

-Fire-breathing dragons?

-We do bearded dragons.

-Do they breathe fire?

-No.

-No? Ah. Hell hounds?

-No.

-Cat fish?

-Yeah, we do cat fish.

Do they meow in foreign languages?

I mean, have you got an Arabian speaking one?

I couldn't tell you.

-No? So you've never heard...

-No, I've never heard of them.

Would you by any chance have anything like this?

Quite a rare creature.

-No, I can't help you there.

-Nothing at all like that at all?

-No.

Or perhaps you'd have the kind of hindquarters and the head

in different creatures that I could, um, kind of zam together?

No, that wouldn't work.

What other sorts of pets have you got

that I could actually have as a familiar?

-As a familiar?

-Wild elephant?

No. Hamsters?

-Do they talk?

-No.

-No?

Well, I'd better have a think about this.

I'm going to communicate with the Great God now, Amun Ra.

See what he says next.

Amun Ra!

I'm not getting the communication through.

It's the wiring up here, you see.

-Yeah, they just don't make the telepathic goods any more.

-No.

I'd like it all pink but I don't know about you.

-I'm not having it all pink.

-Why?

I'll tell you what, we can have the walls pink

but nothing else is being pink.

No. Everything's pink. I want everything to be pink.

Oh, I can't have it pink.

The curtains, blinds, carpets. Why?

I can't be waking up in a pink room every morning.

-I think it should be quite good.

-It's depressing.

He's here, he's queer, he takes it up the rear, it's got to be Ali.

# Don't stop the par-tay! #

Afternoon, guys. Afternoon. I'm all happy, happy, happy,

cos guess what day it is? It's my birthday.

It was your birthday last week.

No, that's where you're mistaken actually, Jean.

It's my birthday this week and we're going to have a party,

and we're going to play party games.

We're going to start off with musical statues, OK?

So, everyone take a position.

OK, take a position and stay in it for as long as possible.

Come on, you can do it.

I'm afraid you're out, Bert. You're disqualified.

Beryl, sit back down, please. You're shaking too much.

And you, Boris, I can see your eyelids moving and you're wobbling.

Jean, you're out. You're wobbling.

I can see your hands shaking on the chair.

Oh, look at you, Jim. Oh, nearly there.

That's the furthest you've stood in months.

Ooh, maybe you're going to win. Maybe, but maybe not.

I am the winner. I win.

I win and that's good, cos it's my birthday.

I win so I get a sweet.

You all moved, you're all disqualified,

you're all out, unfortunately.

Could be a long day, Ronnie.

# Get hyper! #

Front elevation, side elevation, plan.

This installation is called Engaging De-Engaging.

This should bring the crowds in.

This is what's happening in my industry.

There's nobody engaging in conversation no more.

Engage! Engage!

Come in! A pub, a cafe! Embrace it!

Embrace the landlord, engage!

Engage! Let's get back to basics. Let's get back to reality, please!

You get the idea about this one, don't you? And it's brilliant.

Hi, my name is Dorota, I am exclusive lady.

Today I present my acting skill in my act, Mermaid.

Now I'm Stanley, I'm a ship building engineer.

When one day he was working on a vessel, Mermaid spotted him.

He had an accident. He fell from the ship into the ocean.

His head hit a rock and he lost his consciousness.

Stanley...

Stanley...

Wake up...

Stanley, wake up.

Stanley, wake up.

Stanley, wake up.

The sun is shining over you.

What a beauty!

How grateful I am that you have saved my life.

How, beauty, what is your name, my beauty?

Melody!

Melody? I will stay with you forever.

-You want to keep your eye on that one if I were you.

-OK.

It's a nasty piece of work.

It's actually a seventh king, from the seventh circle in hell.

Conquered all sorts of different dimensions.

He sliced the heads off from a million different victims

from atop his black steed.

And the main thing he liked was sacrificial virgins.

I could use somebody like that in my coven.

# Express yourself

# Express yourself

# See it's not what you look like...#

CRASH

# I was born this way

# I'm on the right track, baby

# I was born this way. #

That's one of my favourites. The pegs, there.

I really like this outfit because if she can swim with that,

she can catch a little fish.

Instead you cannot say catch, but peg a little fish.

It's really interesting, I love that.

Now we've got another one, which is very interesting.

As you can see these are just table mats.

So whenever you have your breakfast, lunch, supper,

with your table mats, that's another outfit

which you can actually think of.

Oh, dish towels.

That's household material, what else can you say?

All right, guys, I hope you're all enjoying my party as much as I am.

What we're going to do now, we're going to do my favourite party game.

We're going to play hide and seek.

Cover your eyes. Cover your eyes, everybody. Close your eyes.

MAN SNORES

One, two, three,

four, nine-ten.

OK, ready or not, come and get me.

Eh, no, no-one found me.

Sorry, eh, I'm afraid that you're all out, OK?

So I win that, unfortunately for you,

so I get to have a sweet from the sweetie jar.

# Happy birthday to me

# Happy birthday to me,

# Happy birthday, dear Ali

# Happy birthday to me. #

PARTY POPPER POPS Ooh!

Hi, my name's Cream,

means Cash Rules Everything Around Me.

Don't forget that.

As always, I'm surrounded by good-looking bitches.

Next week, I'm on tour with my boy Snoop Doggy Dog,

but this week, I'm actually snooping with some real dogs in my new

part-time job as a dog sitter, gangsta-style.

Also to pay my mum her rent.

Stop trying to hump each other. Damn.

Walking all these dogs, that ain't no challenge for a gangsta like me.

Where'd they go?

Where's my bitches at?

Come on, bitch, come back here. Damn.

You're supposed to have my back, not run away from me, girls.

All the realest gangsters wear real fur, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, this is my bitch.

Sammy Day, come on.

DOG BARKS Come on.

Don't run away from me, girl.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

You know what, I need some "me" time.

Come here, stapler.

Tense and squeeze, tense and squeeze, tense and squeeze, awesome.

Improvise.

In a shopping centre waiting for your girlfriend to choose a new top?

Bored? Why not try walking up the escalator in the wrong direction?

Watch.

Power up.

See, you have a lot of products here.

I think what you need is more, like, books.

I have the next bestseller for you.

Autobiography on myself...

-Good grief.

-..of how I became who I am today.

Well that, yeah, no, that's going to be a fascinating read.

Allow me to present to you the first copy of Fifty Shades Of Jonny Nash.

I'm going to read you a paragraph from my erotic non-fiction.

OK.

HE CLEARS THROAT

I used her thighs as ear muffs, as I smacked her clams

and munched her rug in the sen-sensual art of muff diving.

Grabbing hold of the Nash Basher,

out squirted the lube as I slipped that satisfactory guaranteed

toy inside her like a lumberjack feeding a hungry beaver some wood.

My lubricated hand gave her two in the pink, one in the stink,

two in the goo, one in the poo,

two in the kitty, one in the shitty,

two in the gutter, one in the turd cutter.

No, God, right...

-Right, sir, your salmon.

-Lovely. Thank you.

There you go. A little touch of black pepper, olive oil, vinegar?

Yeah. This, this fish has just told me that it wasn't humanely killed.

It's telling me that it was actually strangled.

Is it OK if I perform the last rites for him?

If you like to, yes, please.

Rest in peace, oh mighty fish, but now I devour thee.

-THUNDER CLAPS

-Thank you, the Gods, for this meal on this day.

I'll try a chip.

MUSIC: "Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites" by Skrillex

Let's play crosswords.

The greatest wonder of them all,

in French it rhymes with glamour.

Amour.

L-o-v-e.

Love!

# L is for the way you look at me

# O is for the only one I see

# V is very, very extraordinary

# E is even more than anyone but you alone can...

# Love is all that I can give to you

# Love is more than just a game for two

# Two in love can make it

# Take my heart and please don't break it

# Love was made for me and you

# Love was made for me and you. #

Maud couldn't be with us this afternoon, she's up in her room

cos I've stolen her glasses for one of my props, OK?

"Oh, hello there, Jean." "Hello, Bert."

"Oh, I would run after you but I can't.

"I can't because my limbs don't work, not since 1962."

"Oh, that's a shame, because you can't have your glasses,

"I'm taking them to Mr Alan.

"Why don't we ask Maurice what he thinks?"

"Oh, he is fantastic, I wish he was our dad and he was born years ago."

"But that could never happen, Mr Alan is far too gorgeous."

"But we too could look like him if we was younger."

"No, we couldn't." "Why's that, Jean?"

"Because I've already seen your photos of

"when you was younger, Bert.

"You know that black and white one in your room?

"You look like the back end of a bus."

"And I've also seen your photo, Jean, yes.

"Yes, yes, I was an ugly duckling

"and I wouldn't touch you with two shitty sticks."

"Oh, that's fair enough, Jean, cos I would batter you with those

"two shitty sticks if you come near me for a snog."

"Oh, but I-I give good snogs, I have no teeth."

England caps, what else can you say?

You can support England.

A short skirt, as well, you can cover up your bits.

Right, well, well. You look very fantastic.

How are you feeling today?

Exciting.

These creations,

they are an inspiration to everyone in this library.

So as you can see, right, the models are very happy.

Are you really enjoying, eh, using, uh...wearing your outfit?

No I-I-I live here, I do things here

and everyone's staring at me, it's really awkward.

And what do you think about your outfit?

I would not wear this in public.

Eh, you won't wear it in public. But if it was actually, eh,

made up of, eh, a real, clothing material,

would you buy it in a shop and wear it?

-No, no.

-Why wouldn't you wear it?

I get recognised and stared at too much

in public with my big breasts as it is.

That's really... Oh, that was very wonderful. I love that.

Tonight we've got a very, very special event.

It's controversial,

it's out there,

it's thought-provoking

and it's called Man, and I've got a live audience in as well -

me pub regulars.

Are they going to be in for a treat?

This should bring the crowds in.

Good evening.

Front elevation, side elevation, plan.

Tonight, we're going to be talking about Man.

The Man, the pig, both dirty animals.

Um, the pig, not as dirty.

Man will kill the planet.

Man will fuck it up.

Man will kill the human species.

We've got the pig.

The pig's placenta, the umbilical cord, the baby.

Is this the way forward?

Thought-provoking,

realism, this...

Whoa!

What can you say,

but this could be the end result?

Man.

# Get hyper. #

# I'm a heartbreaker

# I'm a heart...

# Ah, ah, ah, I'm a heartbreaker

# I'm a... #

Hey, sorry I kept you waiting so long.

My name is J to the O to the N-N-Y with a Nash at the end

cos I'm motherfucking fly.

What do you do for a living?

What don't I do for a living?

Is it like parrot?

Is this what you call parrot from where you're from?

Do you have anything else behind your sleeve?

I have something I could definitely whip out later

if the night goes well.

OK, Jonny, what do you do for a living?

Didn't I just say what I did?

-No.

-I'm a love god.

-Ah.

-International.

-What is it about?

-This?

-Yes.

-What do you like?

Roses, chocolates, or diamonds, handbags,

you look like a gift kind of girl?

Oh.

Eh, excuse me, what is it you have?

It's empty, yeah?

Let's see what I can get out of here for you.

Oh, oh, look at that. Oh.

-Um.

-What else is in here?

Oh, and that one too.

Listen, sweetheart, I can tell you're really true,

it's nothing funny at all, and I'm really very bored.

Something here... Oh, here we go.

One more.

I'm telling you now, it can work in a circus and you can

make some money.

Russia's known for many, like, sort of, its unique studies

and art forms, I happen to be a student of all arts as well.

I don't like modern art, but I like old-fashioned art.

Mm-hm.

The art form I study has been around for many, many years.

I studied the great American art of muff diving.

Do you know that one?

To smack clam, munch rug, dine at the one pink taco stand,

take it to the car wash, you know, wax that shit.

Air dry it, air dry it.

Good with the hands.

Why did you show me your tongue, it's not sexy?

Oh, you want to see my tongue, eh?

I can't control it.

I can't control it.

It's got a mind of its own.

Bye. He knows a bit of discipline.

Have you finished?

Do you like discipline?

If there's anything else you can show me

before I will walk away in the next three seconds.

Oh, look at that. Ah, ah, ah.

Hi, my name is Dorota. This is my husband Atonu.

Today, I show you my

ABC book for children, present my illustrator skill.

Today is Princess's birthday

and she has got a beautiful present -

ABC book.

A is for Apple.

-TOY HAMSTER:

-A for Apple.

B is for Bear.

C for Cat.

-TOY HAMSTER:

-C for Cat, C for Cat.

Eh, hold, hold on a minute, hold on a minute,

because hamster repeating too long... TOY HAMSTER MAKES INDISTINCT NOISES

What? We don't need.

Only when it's A, A, B, B. TOY HAMSTER MAKES INDISTINCT NOISES

But, but you are talking too much,

just A for Apple, B for Bird, C for Cat.

-OK. I see, mm-hm.

-So go, go on this way, huh?

TOY HAMSTER MAKES INDISTINCT NOISES

A for Anteater.

-TOY HAMSTER:

-A for Anteater.

A for Apple.

C for Cat.

-TOY HAMSTER:

-C for Cat.

-TOY CAT:

-I love looking pretty.

C for Cake.

Once again because it's stopped talking.

-TOY CAT:

-I love looking pretty.

-C for Cat.

-TOY HAMSTER:

-C for Cat.

-TOY CAT:

-I love looking pretty.

-C for Cake.

-TOY HAMSTER:

-C for Cake.

H is for Horse.

-TOY HAMSTER:

-H is for Horse.

House and Hedge-cog.

Hedgehog.

H is for Horse, House and Hedge-cog.

Hog.

Yeah. H is for Horse, House, Hedge-cog.

SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

Hedge-cog? Hedgehog.

SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

-Hedge-cog.

-Hedgehog.

-Hedgehog.

Hog.

H is for Hedge-cog, Horse.

SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

-Hedgehog.

-Hedgehog.

I could show you many things.

But I'll save the best for last.

I'm about to show you my sexual dance of seduction, baby.

Would you like some of this?

Blah, blah, blah, boring.

Eh, sit down.

OK, Jonny, it was really lovely to meet you

and I hope I will see you in a different life.

I don't think you'll be that lucky, baby.

'I hope I will see you in a different life.'

# Yeah, we live in Boom Town

# Where? Yo, we live in Boom Town

# Yeah, yo, we live in Boom Town, yeah

# It's the B to the O to the O-M Town,

# Crazy-ass people all around

# Jump around to the funky sound

# Girls looking fine as we get down

# Now, welcome, everybody, to my city

# Now, let's get down, hell, to the nitty-gritty

# And give you all something spanking

# The shows and the girls and the money I'll be banking

# Look at me, baby, they call me cutie

# Cos it is my duty to cream that booty

# Don't get vexed when I begin to flex

# Cos, girls, you'll be paying me for my phone sex

# I sometimes walk around in the nude

# Got a zillion, trillion hits on YouTube

# Stills that we got are too hot for you now

# Where nothing seems real when you live in Boom Town

# It's the B to the O to the O-M Town

# Crazy-ass people all around

# Jump around to the funky sound

# They call me J to the O to the N-N-Y

# With a Nash at the end cos I'm pretty fly

# My name is known all over town

# By all the foxy ladies that let me go down

# I'm going down in history

# As the baddest mo-fo that you ever will see

# When it comes to the sex, ladies, put away the cash

# Cos you ain't gotta pay for that legendary Nash Bash

# It's the B to the O to the O-M Town

# Crazy-ass people all around

# Jump around to the funky sound

# Girls looking fine as we get down

# Yeah, yo, we live in Boom Town

# Yeah, yo, we live in Boom Town

# Yeah, yo we live in Boom Town

# Yeah

# Now. #

GIRLS LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd