Episode 5 Boom Town

This programme contains adult humour

Oh, yeah.

I'm a love god.

So, welcome to How To Be A Love God.

I will be your God, Jonny Nash.

You guys are in for a real treat tonight. Do you know why?

Cos you're going to learn some secret, classified shit,

that's going to take you from stud to dud.

Oh, sh... It's the other way round, innit?

We want to get with her, not repel her, man.

It's going to turn you from dud to stud, from zero to hero,

from geek to elite.

No more bashing the bishop, choking the chicken, jerking the gherkin,

dating Rosie Palmer and her five sisters - forget that shit.

It's time for women and that's what we're going to learn about today.

WOMEN! Let me hear you say "women".

-ALL:

-Women.

Hi, my name is Dorota.

I'm Exclusive Lady.

I am with my husband, er... I am with my husband Atonu.

Today I present my skill as a actress, in dilemma scene.

Alice is a married woman and one day,

when she was checking her e-mail, she suddenly becomes very excited.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Wow!

WOW!

And the husband goes to find out what she is so thrilled about.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Wow.

What you are so thrilled about? What is here?

-I can see a very long image.

-This is my private e-mail.

No, you are my wife

and I must read that what other people are writing to you.

"Let me introduce myself, I am Rainbow, please.

"If you are in Dubai I will fly with you on my private planes,

"I'll take you to my yacht for dinner with candle," with candle? No.

-Wow. Wow!

-No, this is not happen when I'm alive.

I'm very, very angry.

"I'll give you 10 servants and a Ferrari car."

My goodness he's so arrogant with his money.

I'm very, very angry. Very, very.

SHE LAUGHS

Hi my name's Cream, means Cash Rules Everything Around Me.

Don't forget that.

Yo-yo-yo, you know your boy Cream

is setting off on a worldwide tour next week,

but before then, I'm going to be doing a more local tour

in my new part-time job as a tour guide.

Gangsta style!

And, also, I've gotta pay my mum this month's rent,

I can't forget that, or she's going to kill me.

Yo, you see this church, right here? It's real old.

See this wall, right here? I like to take my honeys up against that

after the clubs are closed, you know what I'm saying?

I also got a application to make this into a nightclub,

it's going to be more of a titty bar though, you know what I'm saying?

It's going to be called Cream Girls. It's going to be off the chain.

Yo, if you like kitchen roll, this store across the road

has a great variety of different brands, gangsta style.

If you look to your right this is where I first start to freestyle.

If you look to the left,

this is where I got shot five times on a drive by.

That was a crazy day, baby, I swear to God.

Hello, Joel The Dog Spotter here.

We start at my usual location - dog spotting.

Today we're looking for the Chihuahua. Please enjoy.

# Snoop doggy dog. #

# Nasty Dog. Doggie Dog. #

A DOG BARKING

So, for this first technique, I'm going to need a volunteer.

Perfect. What's your name?

-Simos.

-Simos. Come up.

You are going to be the lady in this one. Beautiful, sexy baby.

A glamour girl, you know, or a stripper or something, like, glamorous

cos that's what the gods go for, top of the food chain.

I'll come in, and you'll see... you're noticing me.

Oh, hello.

Oh, how are you? Good?

Yeah.

-Are you OK?

-Oh, oh, sorry.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, sorry.

-Do you want to sit down?

-Ah, you're...you're such a nice girl.

Yeah, please, er, come keep me company.

Oh, yeah. Ooh, sorry about this.

-Hey, what's your name?

-Simone.

-Simone?

Jonny Nash. It's a pleasure. You see that?

Putty in my hands. Some Florence Nightingale shit, right there.

He's here, he's queer, he takes it up the rear, it's gotta be Ali.

Just move the paper over it, no-one'll know.

"Alan couldn't believe he had just been sent to prison again.

"He just hoped he wouldn't be sharing a cell with a large black man

"called Big Daddy, all over again.

"His last stay had been absolutely exhausting

"and he hadn't been able to ride a bike for weeks."

Ooh, memories.

"'You're in here,' said the Warden, with a snarl,

"shoving him into the new cell with a kick up the rear from his boot

"and slamming the door behind him with a clank.

"As his keys jangled away down the corridor,

"Alan's eyes adjusted to the gloom

"and saw, sitting on the bunk, his chest bursting

"out of a tight blue denim shirt, his blonde hair falling softly

"over his tanned face, the most beautiful prisoner he had ever seen.

"His cell mate smiled, revealing a full mouth of dazzling white teeth.

"As he shifted his legs apart, revealing a..."

Yo, listen up, for real, this is, what we call in the UK, a bus queue.

This what rappers do in a bus queue.

PLAYS HIP-HOP MUSIC ON HIS PHONE You know what I'm saying?

HE BEAT BOXES

You know what I'm saying? It's what we do.

See this place, right here? This is real important in Cream's life.

This is where I get my food on.

Without this place I would, literally, die.

May my sperm bidding be done.

May my sperm bidding be done.

SO MAY IT BE DONE!

Hum, bulum, bulum, bulum, bulum, bulum, ting.

-Oh, Kev.

-Good morning.

-Come in, take a seat.

-A couple of plans I'd like to discuss with you.

-Certainly, yes.

I'm actually the High Priest of Living Witches in this country.

-OK.

-And we're looking at building a 30 foot temple in the town centre.

-Right.

-And what I've got here...

..they're the details of the plan

and it's, basically, going to be erected to the Dark Lord.

-OK.

-And you'll find that the whole perimeter, here,

will be circled by an invisible barbed wire fence.

-OK.

-So people will see the scratches but they won't see the fence.

-Right.

-Then there's this bit,

that'll be the stairway down to the dungeon.

Erm, that's where the virgins will be kept.

I mean there are so many reasons why, you know, as a business,

-it couldn't work.

-Yes, yes.

I mean, not withstanding that the sacrifice aspects of it,

I don't think that would be, erm,

I don't think that's going to be acceptable, you know, in any, sort of, borough...

-Right, oh.

-..to be perfectly honest.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Wow!

Wow. I leaving you for better life.

-I...

-Unbelievable.

Because I am fed up with this gloomy weather.

But you promised me love for ever, so what happened to this love?

I don't care.

Bye. Bye-bye, I leaving for Dubai.

I am very upset.

My goodness.

Stay...

..or go?

Stay...

..or go?

I decide stay.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

You have made the right choice and you will not regret it ever.

DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING

Life is going just swimmingly.

Do bubbles carry love songs inside them?

# Somewhere beyond the sea

# Somewhere waiting for me

# My lovers dance on golden sands

# And watches the ships that go sailing

# It's far beyond the stars

# It's now beyond the moon

# I know beyond a doubt

# My heart will lead me there soon

# Me beyond the shore

# Will kiss just as before

# Happy we'll be beyond the sea

# And never again I go sailing. #

Time for the finger of awesomeness and the thumb of power.

Let's improvise, let's get busy, let's use the kitchen to exercise.

What are we going to do with a plate?

Let's use it intelligently, OK?

So we're going to come down, arms above our head,

squat down, bend the arms and extend above your head.

Power Up!

Improvise.

UNLEASH your imagination.

Discover the child within.

And, don't forget, you can always take your dog for a walk.

I might have to resort to a spell route to change your mind.

OK. You could certainly try.

HE CHANTS WORDLESSLY

SANDMAN BE GONE!

-You've changed your mind, haven't you?

-Er, no, not really.

There are a lot of risks involved about not giving planning permission.

Right, erm, I mean, that's an awkward situation to be in,

but I still think even, sort of, given, you know, given the gravity of what you're saying,

I still think you would find it pretty much impossible

to get the planning permission that you're looking for.

That is the other thing I will have to talk to you about

is the gravity above the town

because, obviously, our broomsticks need to levitate higher,

so we will have to adjust the gravity

and you might find that other people are walking down the road about their business

and suddenly they start floating,

but we'd take great effort there to make sure any dog walkers

-don't let their dog dump from a great height on anybody.

-Yeah.

I mean, that would be a fantastic sensation,

I'd love to experience that.

What, being dumped on?

No, being, you know, floating. I wouldn't want to be dumped on.

Hi, my name is Dorota. I am Exclusive Lady.

This evening I present my singing skill.

I sing, er, one song for my husband, Happy Birthday.

# Today is your birthday I send you wishes from my heart

# Today is your birthday I send you love from my heart

# Today is your birthday

# Let sun it shine on you

# Today is your birthday You wait for me 100 years. #

So the setting here is a restaurant, yeah?

We walk past the restaurant, we see a hot chick dining by herself.

That's what we like to refer to as, "the target,"

so what we're going to do is we're going to initiate a two man technique

that's going to make me look like a rock star.

So what we do is, you go in

and then, when I give you the wave, you start choking.

Oh, my God, he's choking! Won't someone help him?

No-one's going to help him? Looks like then it's down to me.

Come on! Come on.

Bend down, bend down, bend down, bend down.

Come on, get it out, get it out, get it out, get it out.

Ah, uh, ah, there you go.

It's out, it's out. Are you OK there, sir?

-Yeah, cheers, brother. Cheers man.

-Well, yeah.

-Cool.

-Ooh, sorry, baby.

-Wow, you're a hero.

It really takes it out of me, man.

Whoa, I just happened to be at the right place at the right time.

So what's a beautiful girl like you dining alone in a place like this?

I know, I ask myself the same thing.

Do you see that? I didn't just save his life, I've saved yours as well.

See that, she's, again, putty in my hands cos chicks love a hero.

Great job.

# Express yourself

# Express yourself

# Oh, do it

# See it's not what you look like... #

CAR CRASHING

-Hi.

-Hello, how are you?

I'm good, how are you?

-Very well, thank you.

-Good.

-What a nice, uh, jeweller shop.

-Thank you.

I'm just wondering, do you, uh, sometimes sell...

recyclable jewellery?

No.

I'm in the right place at the right time.

By the way, may I introduce myself as Afro-British Gaga?

-OK.

-A designer from another planet.

That's a good introduction.

-So may I show you what I have got here?

-Yeah, of course, yeah.

Right - kitchen utensils.

Ah...

-Soothers, baby soothers.

-OK.

I've got some earrings here, right.

If you have got a nosebleed, you can simply pluck one Tampax

and then stop the blood from your nosebleed,

so it's not only for women, not only for women.

This is an interesting concept here.

This is definitely an unusual one.

Oh, you've got more.

Yeah, this one, now that's the necklace which goes with the...

Wow.

Let me have a look at the necklace in its full glory.

Yeah, there's plenty there.

Yes, they are unique products, as you can see.

These are £100 each.

I don't know if I'll be able to sell them for that much.

-The earrings and the necklace, they are £200.

-OK.

We can try something of everything, yeah, and see how it goes, you know,

and hopefully we'll make a good partnership and, you know...

-Thank you very much.

-I can sell some things for you.

MUSIC: "Zadok the Priest"

Still waiting.

MUSIC: "Feel The Love" by Rudimental

Are you all right? Is it Talina?

-Oh, hi, how are you?

-Not bad.

-What's your name?

-My name's Louis.

OK, Louis, I'm Talina.

How are you today?

Not bad at all. Have you been up to anything nice lately?

No, not really. Actually, I just woke up.

-It's all right, come on.

-Sorry?

-Don't be nervous, it's fine.

-No, I'm fine.

-I'm not going to bite you, relax, no stress.

-So where are you from?

-I'm from Bexley Heath.

-Where is this?

-Sort of Kent, on the borders of the South East.

Near Kent, and do you live in Kent?

Well, sort of the borders, sort of on the edge of London.

-Do you live in London or do you live in Kent?

-Kent.

So you still live in Kent?

Yeah, I still live in Kent, yeah.

-OK, so how do you treat a girl?

-How to treat a girl?

I'll show you if like.

Ah, you can tell me, I mean, you can explain, that's fine.

DANCE MUSIC

No, you can keep your private space.

Guys, can I have security please?

Security, 991, we need some help here.

OK, honey, I told you I'm not interested.

Seriously, it's really not my cup of tea.

-What do you think, back to your house?

-No.

Hey, yo, what's up, Boom Town? It's your boy Cream once again

waiting for you to purchase your tickets for my O2 concert next week,

but right now I'm issuing some tickets of my own

in my brand new job as a traffic warden,

gangsta style.

Also to pay my mom this month's rent,

can't forget that.

Damn, that's a badass set of wheels right there.

That's what I'm talking about.

Damn, I could get all of my bitches in the back of that rig.

Mm-hmm, but unfortunately

it's contravening the Parking and Traffic Act 1988,

which requires me to put a parking ticket on this bad boy.

You've got 30 days to pay up, boy, or I'll put a cap in your ass.

Could be a long day, Ronnie.

# Get hyper! #

Front elevation,

side elevation,

plan.

Brand new installation, it's never been seen afore,

it's thought-provoking, it's intense,

it's called Man on Man.

This should bring the crowds in.

Biblical, Romans, present day,

what's your problem, man?

Yeah, nice arch there, nice curve.

The angles of desire waiting for the human touch.

Yeah, that works, that.

Beautiful, beautiful.

OK, guys, it's time for your afternoon bingo.

So just give my balls a shake.

Not for the first time this afternoon.

An hour lunch, doesn't take me long.

Oh, Gert's age, 90.

Not long now.

I met him online, number nine.

Two hard dicks, 66.

Oh, one in the arse, number seven.

DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC

-You didn't leave the iron on today, did you?

-Um, no, not this time, no.

You'd better not have. Remember last time? You burnt the house down.

I didn't burn the house down.

-I nearly burnt it down, but I didn't actually.

-No, you nearly did,

but I had to go and buy a load of new clothes. You burnt the clothes.

I promise I've left it off this time. I'm more aware this time.

# You'd better back up, back up before I slap up, slap up

# Another ticket on your car for being too far

# Away from the kerbside even though you've got a nice ride

# Yeah, you want to get away with this ticket

# Put a £50 in my side. #

HE BEATBOXES

This one's called Time Out.

It's all about de-stressing meself from modern day life,

which can become a pain, and I just look at the dot on the wall

and it just brings me back to reality.

-Let me hear you say women!

-ALL: Women.

-Women!

-ALL: Women!

-Women!

-ALL: Women!

To get a woman, you need to understand a woman.

I will show you what a woman wants.

-OK.

-When a woman's looking this damn good,

they want a man to, like, be confident, pick 'em up,

put 'em on that pedestal and worship the goddamn ground they walk on.

What are we?

ALL: Love gods!

That's it. That's it. You need to come in here,

you need to show that you're the man.

You need to put me on there, and we'll be like, "Whoa!"

-Oh, aren't you the man, huh?

-Yes, I am.

Can't you manhandle a naughty girl like me, yeah?

-Ooh, I like it.

-Oh, thanks.

Cos women, they want to know

that you're a great student of the art of muff diving,

smack clams, munch rugs,

dine at the one pink taco stand.

Write that down.

Still waiting for the chihuahua.

Hey, guys, I'm glad you're here.

I'm just trying to get myself in the zone,

and to do that I'd like to introduce you to two of my friends,

the finger of power and the thumb of awesomeness. Give it a go!

Here I am flying my remote control plane.

It's just like flying a real plane,

but if you flew into the side of a building, no-one would get killed.

Power up!

Hi, I am Dorota.

I am Exclusive Lady.

Today I present one song which I call...Sunshine After The Sky.

After The Rain.

Rain, yeah, Sunshine After The Rain?

Sunshine After The Rain.

So, today I present one song which is Sunshine After The Rain.

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see bluebirds flying over the mountains again

# Where is the silver lining shining at the rainbow end?

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see bluebirds flying over the mountain again

# Where is the silver lining shining at the rainbow end? #

Ah-ooh!

Ah-ooh.

-Ooh.

-Oh...

Women relate great dancing to great sex.

Show 'em a little taster of what's to come.

Every woman likes a big thruster.

LEATHER SQUEAKS

Oh.

THEY LAUGH

Still waiting.

That's the dog.

That's the chihuahua.

Please enjoy.

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see bluebirds flying over the mountain again

# Where is the silver lining shining at the rainbow end?

# I want to see, I want to...

# I want to... I want to...

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain

# I want to see the sunshine after the rain. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd