Episode 1 Celebrity Mastermind

First in the spotlight tonight is the chef Paul Rankin.

His specialist subject, Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy.

APPLAUSE

Next, the presenter Sonali Shah.

She'll be answering questions on the human body.

APPLAUSE

The actor and comedian Omid Djalili

takes as his subject Chelsea Football Club.

APPLAUSE

And the undisputed star of CBBC, Hacker T Dog,

on, what else, the Pet Shop Boys.

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Celebrity Mastermind with me,

John Humphrys, and four famous faces

who've achieved a lot

in their different ways over the years.

But are now about, perhaps, to face a more testing challenge.

One of our contenders is even going to be allowed on the furniture.

The rules are the same, otherwise.

90 seconds of questions on their specialist subject

and two minutes on general knowledge.

So, let's ask our first contender to join us, please.

And your name is?

Your chosen charity?

And your specialist subject?

In 90 seconds, starting now.

In The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo,

the industrialist Henrik Vanger hires a journalist to investigate

the disappearance of his niece Harriet 36 years previously.

What's the journalist's name?

-Blomkvist.

-At the start of the trilogy,

Lisbeth Salander is working as a researcher

for the security company owned by Dragan Armansky.

What is the company called?

Milton Security.

Who replaces Erika Berger as editor in chief of Millennium

after Berger is headhunted for Svenska MorgonPosten?

Pass.

What is the occupation of Paulo Roberto,

with whom Salander has trained since she was 17?

He's a boxer.

By what codename is Salander known in the hacking community?

Wasp.

Salander planned to give Blomkvist a metal sign featuring

Elvis Presley as a present but when she sees him with

Erika Berger, she throws it into a skip.

What song title is on the side?

Heartbreak Hotel.

Salander's father was a Russian hit man whose real name

is Alexander Zalachenko.

What name did he adopt when he defected to Sweden?

Pass.

On which Caribbean island is Salander staying

when it is hit by the hurricane Matilda?

Granada?

Salander's half brother Ronald Niedermann is unable to feel pain.

What medical name is given to this condition in the trilogy?

Congenital analgesia.

In which country does Blomkvist eventually meet

the missing woman Harriet Wenger?

She had fled there using a friend's identity.

Australia.

What is the name of the lawyer who was Salander's first guardian,

and who has a stroke?

He recovers enough to give evidence in her defence

at her trial for murder.

Holger Palmgren.

What acronym is commonly used for the Swedish security police

also known as Swedish International Security or SIS?

-SAPO?

-Yes, that is correct.

You had two passes,

the name that Salander's father adopted when he defected was Bodin.

And the replacement for Erika Berger as editor in chief

was Malin Erikson.

-Paul, you have scored ten points.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

And our next contender, please.

And your name is?

Your chosen charity?

And your chosen subject?

The human body in 90 seconds.

What is the human body's largest organ which includes

the epidermis and dermis?

-Skin.

-Which pea-sized structure at the base of the brain

is also known as the hypophysis

and is regarded as the body's master gland?

It produces and controls various hormones.

Pituitary gland.

An extensor muscle extends a limb.

What is the equivalent term for the muscle that acts to bend a limb

or joint such as the biceps?

-Pass.

-Which fibrous protein,

whose name derives from the Greek for horn,

is the main constituent of hair and nails?

Keratin?

What name is given to the mucous membrane that covers the cornea

at the front of the eyeball

as well as the inside of the eyelid?

-Pass.

-Which greenish fluid, secreted by the liver,

is concentrated and stored in the gall bladder

and released after we've eaten to help the digestion of fats?

-Bile.

-What name is given to the triangular bone formed from

five fused vertebrae towards the base of the spine which provides

a strong connection between the pelvis and the spine?

-Coccyx?

-The sacrum.

The heart has four main chambers,

the upper ones are the left and right atrium,

the lower two are called the left and right what?

Pass.

The T-cell is a type of lymphocyte or white blood cell produced

in the bone marrow and gets its name from the glandular organ

where it matures. Which gland?

Pass.

What name, after a 16th century Italian anatomist,

is given to the oviducts

that carry eggs from the ovaries to the uterus?

-Fallopian.

-Loop of Henle and Bowman's capsule

are structures in which organs of the body?

-Ear?

-Kidneys.

Four passes, Sonali.

-The gland where the lymphocyte matures is the thymus.

-OK.

The heart has the atrium and the ventricles.

-You knew that, didn't you?

-Yes, I did.

-Absolutely.

And the mucous membrane in the eyes and all that, conjunctiva.

And the extensor muscle and the flexor muscle.

-Of course.

-Which you also knew.

I know, I know. However, Sonali, you have five points.

APPLAUSE

And our next contender, please.

And your name is?

Your chosen charity?

And your chosen subject?

Chelsea Football Club in 90 seconds.

In July 2016, who became Chelsea's 10th full-time manager

since Roman Abramovich took over the club?

He succeeded Gus Hiddink who was finishing his second spell

as stand-in manager.

-Um...

-CLEARS THROAT

Er...

-Jose Mourinho?

-Conte.

Who scored the late equaliser to bring the score to 1-1

in the 2012 Champion's League final against Bayern Munich?

Chelsea won on penalties.

-Didier Drogba.

-Which midfielder scored 10 or more Premier League goals

in 10 successive seasons from 2003-04 to 2012-13?

Frank Lampard.

When Chelsea won the Premier League title in 2005,

they lost just one match along the way.

Which team beat them?

-Middlesbrough.

-Manchester City.

Which team did Chelsea beat 8-0 in the last match

of the Premier League season in 2010?

-Wigan Athletic.

-Jose Mourinho announced on his arrival in

a pre-season press conference,

"I'm not one who comes straight out of the bottle, I think I am a..."

-Happy one.

-Special one.

Who became Chelsea's oldest player at 41 when he played in goal

against Cardiff City in a Premier League match in May 2014?

Mark Schwarzer.

In the 2005-6 season, and again in 2014-15,

Chelsea won the Premier League title by how many points?

-103.

-If only! Eight.

Whom did Chelsea sign from Liverpool

for £50 million in January 2011?

Fernando Torres.

In which city did Chelsea lose the 2008 European Champions League

final match to Manchester United after a penalty shootout?

Moscow.

What position at Chelsea Football Club

has been held by the American lawyer Bruce Buck since 2004?

-Chairman.

-Chairman is exactly right.

On it, you have scored seven points.

APPLAUSE

-And our final contender.

-Is that me? It is, cocker!

And your name is?

It's Hacker The Dog, off the telly.

And your chosen charity?

And your chosen subject?

The Pet Shop Boys, the pop band from yesteryear.

Yes, got that. 90 seconds on the Pet Shop Boys starting now.

The Pet Shop Boys were formed in London in 1981

by Chris Lowe and which journalist?

Neil Tennant.

The duo's first four studio albums all reached the UK top three

but they finally topped the chart with which album in 1993?

Very.

Bobby Orlando produced the original version of West End Girls

that failed to chart,

the duo then re-recorded the song with which producer?

Stephen Hague.

What was the title of their second compilation of hit singles

which was released in 2003, 12 years after Discography?

-Ultimate.

-No, PopArt.

-No, that's wrong!

The duo appeared alongside Barbara Windsor in a 1988 feature film,

what was its title?

-It Couldn't Happen Here.

-Yes, it could, actually.

In July 2014, the Pet Shop Boys appeared at the BBC Proms

where they performed A Man From The Future,

a work based on the life of a great computer pioneer. Who was he?

-Robert Turing.

-Alan Turing.

-D'oh!

Which singer released the 1989 album Results

which was produced by the Pet Shop Boys

and includes the UK top 10 single, Losing My Mind?

Liza Minnelli.

In 2011, Sadler's Wells staged a Pet Shop Boys ballet

which was based on a Hans Christian Andersen story

and choreographed by Javier de Frutos.

What was its title?

The Most Incredible Thing.

The duo wrote and produced I'm Not Scared, which was

a UK top 10 single in 1988

for which group, fronted by Patsy Kensit?

Eighth Wonder.

Their 1987 single What Have I Done To Deserve This

featured which female vocalist?

Dusty Springfield.

In 1991, they had a UK hit with a cover of a U2 song,

although their version included excerpts from

Can't Take My Eyes Off You.

What was the U2 song called? BEEPING

Where The Streets Have No Name! I've started so I'll finish.

Where The Streets Have No Name.

-LAUGHTER Yes. Correct.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Thank you, cockers, eh?

Have I won? Have I won?

You have scored...

-Yeah.

-Nine points.

Nine! That's the best! I'm the best! Yes!

So, that's the end of the first round.

Let's have a look at all the scores.

In fourth place, five points, Sonali.

Third place, seven points, Omid.

Second place, nine points, Hacker.

First place, ten points, Paul.

APPLAUSE

So it is the general knowledge round now.

And if there's a tie at the end of it,

then the number of passes is taken into account,

and the person with the fewer passes is the winner.

Let's get on with it and ask Sonali to join us again, please.

And obviously, the high point of your career is presenting sport

on the Today programme, but you do a bit of telly as well.

-Quite a lot.

-Yes, I sit next to you often, don't I?

You do, you have that great, ahem...honour, yeah.

-Escape To The Country.

-Yes.

All about houses and you take a couple, to show them three houses,

they want to live in the country and you ask them to choose.

-What is the single thing they most want?

-Everyone wants a fireplace.

Wood-burning fire?

Exactly, they have this dream,

this idyllic country cottage escape in their heads.

Cos you think thatched roof or roses round the door or whatever.

Sometimes thatched. People are scared about

what they perceive as the high maintenance of thatch, but actually,

it's once every 20 years or so.

Right, so it isn't the aesthetic appeal of the house so much?

-No, it's everything. Cost, area.

-Yes.

People just want to escape.

Getting out of town...

Get out of their current life,

they might be retiring or they just want a new life.

And that, you know...

-Well, it works, doesn't it?

-Really well.

-Thank you for that.

-Now, you've got five points, but loads of time...

-Sorry about that.

On the contrary, it's the black chair to blame.

You've got plenty of time to catch up and overtake

because you have two minutes now on general knowledge.

Here we go.

Espresso and cappuccino are types of which hot drink?

-Coffee.

-Which British city had the world's first underground railway?

It opened in 1863.

-London.

-Which Spanish-born singer,

the son of a chart-topping artist,

had a number one hit in February 2002 with the song Hero?

Enrique Iglesias.

Whose penultimate sentence in Shakespeare's play is,

"Et tu, Brute?" Meaning "And you, Brutus?"

-Caesar?

-What length for the very brief shorts

that were the height of women's fashion in the '70s

was coined by the American magazine Women's Wear Daily?

I know this. Pass.

-Oh! No...

-Irish or red,

English and Gordon are breeds of which gun dog?

Setter.

The title of which bank employee is represented by the letter T

in the initials ATM when they refer to a cash machine?

-Teller.

-Salt Lake City is the capital of which American state?

-Utah.

-What is the name of the snowman that The Ronettes sang about

on Phil Spector's '63 album, A Christmas Gift For You?

-Pass.

-Who wrote the '91 book Neither Here Nor There,

an account of his travels around Europe?

Bill Bryson?

The young shoots of a plant of the grass family are a staple

ingredient of Chinese and other Far Eastern cuisines. What plant?

Pass.

Eric Idle's stage musical Spamalot,

which won a Tony award for Best musical in 2005, is described

as having been lovingly ripped off from which Monty Python film?

Pass.

For what type of historic buildings

are the Welsh towns of Caernarfon, Caerphilly and Conwy renowned?

-Pass.

-In which 1960 psychological thriller,

directed by Alfred Hitchcock,

is the lead character Norman Bates played by Anthony Perkins?

Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue. Pass.

What is the surname of Father Ted,

played by Dermot Morgan in the '90s TV comedy series?

Pass.

Which European country was split into two separate states

in the aftermath of the Second World War

and became a single nation again in 1990?

-END-OF-ROUND BUZZER

-Pass!

Well, I can tell you that one.

You will be so cross with yourself.

Don't even tell me, don't tell me!

-Once you get into a run like that...

-Oh, I know!

-It's strange.

-Anyway, Germany was the answer, as you...

-Yes,

but it's the 1990s that confused me, yes.

The surname of Father Ted was - I didn't know it - Crilly.

-The movie was Psycho.

-Yes.

-Caernarfon, Caerphilly etc have castles.

-Yes.

-Monty Python And The Holy Grail...

-Yes.

-..was the movie.

Of course I knew that!

The young shoots of grass and all that - bamboo.

And the snowman The Ronettes sang about was called...

What else could he be called? ..Frosty.

And this one you will really be cross about, those very brief shorts -

-hot pants.

-Hot pants.

-Yeah.

-Never mind. Sonali, you have 13 points.

-Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

And now Omid again, please.

And you start out only with seven points here.

Let's talk about your career.

Comedian/actor.

Now, when you are acting you're being somebody else

and when you are a comedian,

presumably, you've got to be sort of...

isn't the word "authentic" these days?

You have to be kind of an authentic version of yourself

and that's why the latest show I'm doing is called Schmuck For A Night

because, as I've proved, I'm a schmuck.

You know, on social media you can end up in the newspapers

by doing one tweet, whereas before it used to be...

Remember Points Of View?

You could write in to Points Of View and say,

"Dear Points Of View, I'm offended at the best of times,

"but imagine my horror watching the television

"when I saw a bare arm, a bare leg and exposed male genitalia,

"at which point I realised the television was off

"and I was looking at a reflection of myself..."

LAUGHTER

"..whereupon I was immediately asked to leave my local branch of Currys."

LAUGHTER

Which is easier, acting or stand-up?

They are both really, really hard.

But not as hard as this.

Right, seven points so far.

All to play for, two minutes, general knowledge, starting now.

The flightless bird the emu is native to which country?

-Rod Hull.

-Australia!

The Italian composers Verdi, Puccini and Rossini

are celebrated for their work in what type of musical genre?

-Classical music.

-Opera.

Which British comedy actor has played the IMF agent Benji Dunn

in the films Mission: Impossible III,

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol,

and Mission: Impossible Rogue Nation?

-Dave Schneider.

-Simon Pegg.

Where in the solar system

are the Oceans of Storms and the Sea of Clouds?

-Over the oceans.

-The moon.

A fictional doctor created by Hugh Lofting

has household companions that include

Dab-Dab the duck, Gub-Gub the pig

and Too-Too the owl. Who is he?

-Abu Dhabi.

-Dr Doolittle.

Ruby Seedless and Thompson Seedless

are widely grown varieties of which fruit?

-Bananas.

-Grape.

Which Jamaican-born reggae artist first entered

the UK singles chart in '75 with No Woman No Cry?

-Bob Marley.

-Yes!

Borrowdale, Patterdale and Great Langdale are among

the principal valleys in which national park?

-Wales.

-The Lake District.

Whose first collaboration with Andrew Lloyd Webber

was The Likes Of Us, a musical version of the Dr Barnardo story,

written soon after they first met?

-Simon Pegg.

-Sir Tim Rice.

Alice's Adventures Underground

was the title of the first version

of which book by Lewis Carroll?

-Alice In Wonderland.

-Yes!

Which prestigious comedy prize

did the Scottish comedian Richard Gadd win in 2016

for his show Monkey See Monkey Do.

-The Edinburgh Comedy Prize.

-It was!

The name of which London tube station gave Duffy

a UK top-five hit single in 2008?

-Cockfosters.

-Warwick Avenue. LAUGHTER

What is the title of Ian Fleming's first novel,

originally published in 1953,

in which he introduced James Bond?

-Dr Yes.

-Casino Royale.

Icicle-like structures formed by the action of slowly dripping water

found suspended from the roof or growing from the floor of caves

are known as stalactites and what?

-Stalagmites.

-Yes.

In which reality television show, first broadcast in 2007,

is one person in a couple given the budget

to plan every aspect of their wedding?

The other person is excluded from all decisions.

-I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here!

-Close. Don't Tell The Bride.

-END-OF-ROUND BUZZER And that's...

-Didn't we start?

I thought we started? I was having such a good time.

It's all over, it's done, yeah, yeah.

And I'm not sure how hard you were trying,

but in spite of yourself, you've scored a few extra points

and you now have 11.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

And now, I'm afraid, it's Hacker again, please.

Thank you.

FOOTSTEPS CLICK

-Hacker.

-What?

This is a question I think we all want answered.

What is it like being a dog?

It's great, cocker, you should try it.

I can only see in black and white, it's a dog thing,

so I don't have to pay the full TV licence.

LAUGHTER

Win-win, John, win-win.

Can I come on Question Time? What is your other show?

My other show is the Today programme...

Get us on it, cocker, I'm cheap.

And there are... There are no pictures on it, it's the radio.

I'm even better on radio,

I can do different lip-synch like this, watch.

Welcome to The Question Time.

HACKER IS SILENT

-That was very good.

-Thank you.

You're welcome.

That'll stitch up Ceefax, won't it?

HACKER IS SILENT

Hm... I think we'll move on now.

Good thinking.

-You will move your lips when...?

-I'll do it properly now.

People will just think I'm not very good at my job.

I'm quite good, one of the best in the UK.

Uh-huh. Anyway, here we go.

-And...

-I've no chance now.

And you have two minutes to answer...

Oh, yeah, a long time in dog years.

That's true.

Here we go, two minutes, starting now.

Which character from a seaside puppet show

said, "That's the way to do it"?

Mr Punch!

Which creatures form the main diet of the aardvark?

-Ants.

-Termites, yeah.

In Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie,

which supermodel does Edina apparently kill

by knocking her off a balcony into the River Thames?

Kate Moss!

Who succeeded Dwight D Eisenhower

as American President in 1961?

-Trump.

-Kennedy.

-Oh, right.

What did Marie Antoinette supposedly tell the poor people to eat

when she learned they had no bread?

Apples!

-Cake.

-Oh, right.

What name is shared by a film

that starred Bob Hoskins,

an Oscar-winning song recorded by Nat King Cole

and a painting by Leonardo da Vinci?

Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Very close. Mona Lisa.

Which motorway was opened by Margaret Thatcher in October 1986

in a ceremony held between junctions 22 and 23,

London Colney and South Mimms?

-M4.

-M25.

Which system of computer linkups had its origin

in a US Department of Defense programme

to provide a secure communications network called the Arpanet?

-The internet.

-Correct!

What is the title of Madness's 1980

UK number-three hit single, that begins,

"Naughty boys in nasty schools,

"Headmasters breaking all the rules"?

-Baggy trousers.

-Yes.

Which English tennis player won the ladies' title

at the French Open in 1976, aged 20?

-Sue Barker!

-Yes!

On which Caribbean island are the resorts

of Montego Bay, Negril and Port Antonio?

-Sue Barker again!

-Jamaica.

In which book by Charles Dickens

are the villainous Fagin, Monks and Bill Sikes characters?

-Oliver Twist.

-Yes.

The 1981 cult film in which Kurt Russell first plays

the antihero Snake Plissken in a dystopian future

is entitled Escape From what city?

New York!

Soprano, alto and tenor are all varieties

of a single-reed wind instrument made of brass.

Which instrument?

The, er... The... The oboe.

No, the saxophone.

What is the first letter of the Greek alphabet?

Alpha.

Which Oscar-winning Welsh actress took over the lead role

in the London production of the musical 42nd Street

while she was still a teenager,

after the lead and her understudy were both taken ill?

Shirley Bassey.

-Catherine Zeta-Jones.

-I was close!

It was close, they were both Welsh,

but, Hacker, you have now scored a total of 18 points.

Not bad, eh? Eh? Not bad for a dog from Wigan, is it?

-Well done, it was fantastic.

-Thank you, sir.

I was all right, weren't I?

And finally, Paul again, please.

-Now, Paul, food.

-Food, yeah.

We are seeing new trends in food, aren't we?

I mean, pop-up restaurants, real cooking and so on and so on.

What's that all about?

Yeah, I get a bit fed up with trendy kind of things

because I sort of think proper food is proper food.

I like the idea of pop-ups as just a fun thing,

as a total business thing or...

Street food?

Yeah, I mean, proper street food is great, isn't it?

You see it in Asia, you know, people who will get up

and they will make one or two things really, really well

-and sell it cheaply.

-Yeah.

I think there is a market for really good dog biscuits at lunchtime,

maybe done a wee bit different?

-Count me in, cocker!

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I'm worried about him now, I think he's going to win.

Well, you're not the only one.

LAUGHTER

Let's hope you do very well, not that I'm partial, obviously,

but you've got ten points already.

18 is the score to beat.

-Oh, I think...

-HACKER:

-That's mine!

-I know it's yours!

-We are aware of that.

So, here we go, two minutes of general knowledge starting now.

The daughter in TV's The Addams Family

shares her name with which day of the week?

-Wednesday.

-What name is given to

the type of hernia in which part of the stomach

protrudes through the diaphragm into the chest?

-Hiatus.

-Which former Emmerdale and Doctor Who actress

plays Queen Victoria in the 2016 TV series Victoria?

-Emma Bunton.

-Jenna Coleman.

What name is given to the Roman defensive wall

built across northern Britain

between Bowness-on-Solway and Wallsend-on-Tyne in about 122 AD?

Hadrian's.

Which animal that once roamed

the American plains in huge numbers

was declared the country's national mammal in May 2016?

-Buffalo.

-Or bison, yes.

Which mountain on the border of France and Italy

is the highest in the Alps?

Mont Blanc.

Which Agatha Christie character

is helped in his investigations

by Captain Arthur Hastings

and Inspector James Japp, among others?

-Clouseau?

-No, Poirot.

What flowers did William Wordsworth see

in the poem that begins,

"I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on high o'er vales and hills"?

Daffodils.

According to the Book of Genesis,

Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed with fire and what?

Brimstone.

Which psychopathic villain and arch enemy of Batman

is played by Jared Leto in the 2016 film Suicide Squad?

Pass.

Which French fashion designer first worked with Madonna

on her costumes for the 1990 Blond Ambition Tour

that included the famous conical bra?

Jean-Paul Gaultier.

What type of pin is known in America as a thumb tack?

-Safety... No, drawing...

-Drawing pin.

The killing of which animals

was the subject of the Krebs experiment,

which aimed to study the impact

on the infection rate of TB in cattle?

Pass.

The survey of England carried out on the orders of William the Conqueror

is known by a name that refers to the final day of judgment

because there was no appeal

against the taxes detailed in it. What name?

-Revelations?

-Domesday Book.

Which Yorkshire town gives its name to a double-loin lamb chop?

Ooh!

Pass. Oh!

Which creatures have two pairs of legs

per segment, although the name suggests

they have ten times as many as the centipede?

-END-OF-ROUND-BUZZER

-Millipede?

-Yes.

-And that was an important point.

-Was it?

Well, I'll tell you in a minute.

You had three passes.

-The Barnsley Chop, which you...

-Barnsley!

Yeah, you knew that, of course you did.

The subject of the Krebs experiment was badgers.

And the psychopathic villain was the Joker.

Paul, you have scored...

-19 points! HACKER:

-Hooray!

Phew! At the end of the general knowledge round,

let's have a look at all the scores.

In fourth place, with 11 points, Omid.

Third place, 13 points, Sonali.

Second place, 18 points, Hacker.

First place, 19 points, Paul!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Woof! Woof!

Woof!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

He's not barking at me!

Paul.

Thank you, folks.

May I say congratulations and what a relief it is that you won!

But, I mean, you beat a dog when all is said and done.

I think I had saved mankind, haven't I? Yeah?

It could have been a lot worse.

Anyway, that aside, congratulations, very well done.

Thank you.

You don't have to be a celebrity, or indeed a dog,

to take part in the regular Mastermind programme.

If you would to appear in the next series on BBC Two,

then you can visit us online at...

And you can follow us on Twitter...

And do join us again next time for more Mastermind.

Thanks for watching. Goodbye.