Episode 5 Celebrity Mastermind

First in the spotlight tonight

is the former England cricketer Graeme Swann.

His specialist subject - the Star Wars films.

APPLAUSE

Next, the Gogglebox vicar, the Reverend Kate Bottley.

She'll be answering questions on Adrian Mole.

Janice Long, the Radio 2 presenter,

takes as her subject the Liverpool band Echo And The Bunnymen.

And the singer Paul Carrack on Sheffield Wednesday.

Hello and welcome to Celebrity Mastermind with me, John Humphrys,

and four people who've had plenty of experience of performing in front

of very large audiences - but not under this sort of pressure.

The prize is not money, of course - their fee goes to charity -

but it's the honour of winning the Celebrity Mastermind title.

The challenge - correctly answering 90 seconds of questions

on their specialist subjects and two minutes on general knowledge.

Easy? Maybe not.

Let us find out.

Our first contender, please.

And your name is...

Your chosen charity...

And your chosen subject...

Star Wars in 90 seconds.

During their lightsaber duel in the original film,

who tells Darth Vader,

"You can't win. If you strike me down,

"I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine"?

Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Which fellow droid does C-3PO refer to as

"an overweight glob of grease"

and "a near-sighted scrap pile"?

R2-D2.

In the first film, Governor Tarkin tests the Death Star

by ordering the destruction of Princess Leia's home planet.

What's its name?

Alderaan.

David Prowse plays Darth Vader in all three films.

Who provides his voice?

James Earl Jones.

In The Empire Strikes Back, what's the name of Luke Skywalker's rear gunner

who's killed during the Empire's attack on the ice world of Hoth?

Dak.

What is the name of the spaceport on Tatooine

that Obi-Wan describes as "a wretched hive of scum and villainy"?

Mos Eisley.

What is the name of the giant, hairy creatures with curled horns

that the Sand People use for transport?

Er...pass.

In The Empire Strikes Back, after Han Solo claims that

Princess Leia had expressed her true feelings for him, she responds

by calling him a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy looking...

Nerf herder.

When Han Solo is about to be put into carbon freeze,

Leia tells him that she loves him. What is Han's two-word reply?

"I know."

Luke Skywalker travels to which system to be

trained by the Jedi Master Yoda?

The Dagoba System.

Who co-wrote the screenplay for The Empire Strikes Back with Leigh Brackett,

and for Return Of The Jedi with George Lucas?

Irvin Kershner.

Lawrence Kasdan.

In Return Of The Jedi, what is the name of the admiral

who commands the rebel fleet that attacks the second Death Star...

BEEP ..and orders evasive action when he realises

they've flown into a trap?

Admiral Ackbar.

Is correct. You had just one pass, Graeme.

Those giant, hairy creatures are called Banthas.

Yeah.

You have scored, Graeme, ten points.

APPLAUSE

And our next contender, please.

And your name is...

Your chosen charity...

Your chosen subject...

Adrian Mole in 90 seconds.

Adrian announces that he and Pandora Braithwaite are officially in love

during a protest against the banning

of an item of clothing at school. What clothing?

Red socks.

Adrian endures months of menacing from the school bully, Barry Kent,

until a member of his family puts a stop to it. Which member?

His grandmother.

What does Adrian leave out of the first draft

of his experimental novel,

Lo! The Flat Hills Of My Homeland?

An agent advises him to put them back in.

Vowels.

Which TV programme does Adrian describe as one that

encourages not-very-bright people to confront other inadequate people

-with their grievances?

-Could you repeat the question, please?

Which TV programme does Adrian describe as one that

encourages not-very-bright people to confront other inadequate people

with their grievances?

The Jeremy Kyle Show.

Adrian is suspended from school for a week after he writes

a poem on the toilet wall. What's the poem called?

Pass.

The third book of the series, True Confessions, includes

entries from a secret diary that was discovered

at a car-boot sale in Grantham. Whose diary?

Margaret Thatcher.

In The Cappuccino Years, Pandora's mother has had

a slight stroke but has made an excellent recovery,

apart from the total loss of which sense?

Smell.

Dress sense.

What is the name of Mr Carlton-Hayes' partner?

Adrian can't tell whether the person is a man or a woman,

even after he talks to them on the phone?

Leslie.

Barry Kent's fiancee, Cindy, has a baby while he is in prison.

What does she name it?

Caistor?

-Carlsberg.

-Oh!

-Yes.

What is the occupation of Adrian's Auntie Susan,

who receives an award from Jack Straw?

She's a prison guard.

For which constituency is Pandora elected... BEEP

..as a Labour MP in the 1997 general election?

Islington.

No, Ashby-de-la-Zouch!

-Of course!

-You had one pass.

The poem he wrote on the toilet wall was called The Future.

-Of course.

-As you would expect from him.

You've scored, Kate, seven points.

APPLAUSE

And our next contender, please.

And your name is...

And your chosen charity...

The Florrie Institute in Liverpool.

And your chosen subject...

Echo and the Bunnymen. Here we go.

Echo and the Bunnymen played their first gig

at a club in Matthew Street, Liverpool, in November 1978. Which club?

Eric's.

What's the title of the band's debut single that was released in the UK

in 1979 on Zoo Records, with Read It In Books on the B-side?

The Pictures On My Wall.

The director Anton Corbijn shot the video for the Bunnymen's single The Game

during their tour of which South American country in 1987?

Mexico?

Brazil. Which song includes the chorus...

"Fate, up against your will"

"Through the thick and thin he will wait until you give yourself to him"?

The Killing Moon.

The Bunnymen opened their headline Saturday-night set at the '85 Glastonbury Festival

with a version of which Jonathan Richman song?

-Sarah.

-She Cracked.

What was the name of the first manager of the Bunnymen who,

with David Balfe, formed Zoo Management?

-He was replaced by Mick Hancock in 1984.

-Bill Drummond.

The video for which Echo and the Bunnymen single

features Will Sergeant dressed as a fish,

Les Pattinson as a penguin and Ian McCulloch in drag?

Bring On The Dancing Horses.

-Seven Seas.

-Sorry! Ooh!

Which 1985 single release that also features on the soundtrack

of the film Pretty In Pink opens with the lyrics...

"Jimmy Brown, made of stone Charlie Clown, no way home"?

Dancing Horses.

Which Indian violinist features on the group's third album, Porcupine?

Oh!

-Tony.

-Shankar.

Who temporarily replaced Ian McCulloch as the band's lead singer in '89?

-Noel Burke.

-He'd formerly sung with the band with the band St Vitus Dance.

Noel Burke's correct.

The band had a top-ten comeback hit in '97

with a single that features Liam Gallagher on backing vocals. Which song?

-Evergreen.

-Nothing Lasts... BEEP

-Nothing Lasts Forever!

-That's the thing, isn't it?

-You get them the second afterwards.

-I'm so scared!

Well, look, you're not alone.

-Janice, you've got six points.

-OK, thank you.

APPLAUSE

And our final contender, please.

And your name is...

Your chosen charity...

And your chosen subject...

Sheffield Wednesday, in 90 seconds.

Sheffield Wednesday was founded in 1867.

In 1899, they moved to their current home ground,

which was originally called Owlerton but is now known by what name?

Hillsborough.

Who joined the club from Marseille in 1992 and was chosen by

the Football Writers' Association as footballer of the year

at the end of his first season?

Chris Waddle.

The first of Wednesday's three FA Cup Final victories was in 1896,

when Fred Spiksley scored both goals in a 2-1 win against which club?

Er... Wolverhampton Wanderers?

Which Serbian-American businessman bought the club in 2010 and sold it in 2015?

Milan Mandaric.

The club won four league titles between 1903 and '30

although since then, the nearest they've come

to a fifth is finishing runners-up behind which team in 1961?

Tottenham Hotspur.

Jack Charlton managed the club from 1977 till '83.

Which former Wednesday player replaced him?

Howard Wilkinson.

Who was banned for 11 matches for pushing the referee to the ground

after being sent off during a match against Arsenal in 1998?

Paolo Di Canio.

Wednesday played on Christmas Day for the last time in 1957,

when they drew 4-4 at home against which club?

Er...

-Blackburn Rovers.

-Preston North End.

In 1935, Wednesday won the FA Cup for the third time.

Who scored all six of their matches, including the winner in the final?

Ellis Rimmer.

Wednesday played in the Premier League from its foundation in '92

until they were relegated in which year?

-2000.

-Which club did Wednesday beat 3-1 on aggregate

in the 2016 Championship play-off semifinals... BEEP

-..before losing to Hull City in the final?

-Brighton.

Brighton is correct.

Well, almost all right, Paul. Ten points.

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Well, that's a close contest so far. Let's have a look at all the scores.

In fourth place, six points, Janice.

Third place, seven points, Kate.

Joint first place,

ten points apiece, Graeme and Paul.

So, the general knowledge round now, and if there's a tie

at the end of it, then the number of passes is taken into account

and the person with the fewer passes is the winner.

Let us get on with it and ask Janice to join us again, please.

And we've got something in common, I suppose, Janice,

in that we both do the radio, and I...

-Opposite ends!

-..go to work as you come home from work.

-Yes, exactly.

-Cos you finish at... What?

-I finish at three.

-Three in the morning?

-So I get home about twenty to four.

-Go on at midnight?

-Yeah.

But there's a big advantage to broadcasting in the middle of the night, isn't there?

Well, it's great because the audience are really listening.

There are no distractions. They're very discerning.

They're very innovative. They've got time to, you know,

join in if you're having a topic or whatever.

They're very funny and, of course, people forget that, you know,

when they're in bed, there are people baking the bread,

they're printing the newspapers, they're looking after the sick,

they're fixing cars, they're students who are doing dissertations.

I even had a bloke get in touch with me and he was doing IVF for salmon.

-So it's all going on!

-Doing IVF for salmon?

Yeah, and I googled to see if that was possible and it does exist!

-So...

-You've been doing it for a long time, haven't you?

I have been working for the BBC since 1979.

April the 1st, 1979, I joined Radio Merseyside

and I remember seeing you in the newsroom.

Absolutely, because I started on Merseyside for the BBC as well.

-Yeah, so there you go.

-Absolutely.

Right, now, Janice, you have six points so far.

Plenty of time to catch...

Well, two minutes to catch up with your massive general knowledge.

-Calm down, calm down.

-Here we go.

What is the name of the pensioner chat-show hostess

who was originally created by Caroline Aherne as an agony aunt for local radio?

Doris.

Mrs Merton. "Chien" is the French word for which animal?

-Sorry?

-Chien.

-Cat.

-Dog.

Which country finished third in the gold-medal table behind the USA

and Team GB at the 2016 Olympic Games?

China.

In a Disney animated film, what is the name of the lonely Hawaiian girl

who adopts an ugly extraterrestrial creature and calls it Stitch?

Er, Tony.

No, Lilo.

What smoked fish is used in the Scottish soup cullen skink?

Haddock.

Which pop-soul band topped the UK singles chart for five weeks in 2016 with 7 Years?

-It was the UK's longest-reigning number one by a Danish act.

-Oh!

Oh, I know them! Er...

-L...

-SHE ROLLS TONGUE

-Lukas...

-Yeah...

Thomas. I can't think.

Lukas Graham. "Throstle" is an archaic name for which songbird?

-Sorry?

-"Throstle" is an archaic name for which songbird?

-Thrush.

-Yes.

According to the theme song of a children's TV series that was first broadcast in 1976,

if your mansion house needs haunting, who should you call?

If your...

Mansion house needs haunting, who should you call?

-Joan.

-Rentaghost.

Which celebrated English landscape painter

had the forenames Joseph Mallord William? JMW.

-Constable.

-Turner.

The songs If I Were A Bell, Luck Be A Lady and A Bushel And A Peck

come from which stage musical with music and lyrics by Frank Loesser?

Luck Be A Lady...

Er... Oh!

-Take a stab at it.

-I can't even think of...

Er, G-Guys And Dolls.

Yes, Guys And Dolls, you see. That's the point!

The island of Hoy, famous for its rock stack known as the Old Man,

is the second-largest of which group of islands

off the north of Scotland? BEEP

-Islands off the north of Scotland?

-Shetlands.

Oh, nearly. Orkney.

But, anyway, you got into double figures. You have ten points.

-Thank you very much.

-APPLAUSE

And now Kate, again, please.

And, er...

I'm trying to think - if you'd said to somebody a few years ago,

"I became famous because I watch telly"...

-Yeah.

-..people would think you were mad, wouldn't they?

Yeah, well, it's a crazy idea for a TV show, isn't it?

But the whole reason that we ended up doing the show was because

I pronounced this couple, Gary and Tracey,

husband and wife and then the music started playing and I started

dancing and they danced and the au...

I nearly said "audience"!

The congregation danced and they put that online

and it got seven million hits.

-Seven million?

-I know!

-And what did the bishop say?

Well, we were between bishops at that time, so, you know...

It's always easier to ask for forgiveness

than it is for permission, John.

Right. LAUGHTER

But when you're doing the show, Gogglebox, your husband, actually...

-He doesn't... Graham, he doesn't say very much.

-You know what?

He says loads! You can't shut him up.

But he speaks in very, very long sentences

and he's not that interesting, so they chop him up.

Can I just remind you that

another one of the Christian codes is charity?

There's... You know...

Graham's the only reason I started going to church.

I'm not from a religious family at all.

I was at school and I saw this gorgeous young man crossing

the quad at school and I said to my friend, "Who's that?"

She said, "The vicar's son," and I thought,

"Well, I'd better start going to church, then, hadn't I?"

-That was it?

-That was it. I only went...

-So it was lust that got you...?

-Well, you know, I...

You call it lust, I call it infatuation.

But I only went for a snog and I ended up with a dog collar.

It's not really what I had in mind!

LAUGHTER

-Right. Now, you've got seven points...

-I did.

-..so far.

-Oh!

-But you've got two minutes of general knowledge now.

-OK.

This is where you, er...

get into the... LAUGHTER

Oh! Well, I don't think...

-If I were them, I would object to that, because you're...

-Oh, right, OK. There you go.

Oh, there we are. Fine, as long as they all get the same thing. Right, here we go.

In which European capital city are the ruins of the Colosseum

and the Circus Maximus?

-Rome.

-A queen excluder is a selective barrier used by people

engaged in what pastime or occupation?

-Sailing?

-Beekeeping.

In which Ocean is the Mariana Trench, which contains the Challenger Deep,

the deepest known point on earth, around 36,000 feet below sea level?

-The Atlantic.

-The Pacific.

The aspen or trembling poplar belongs to which family of trees?

The fir tree.

Willow. What name is given to the light plastic hoop

first manufactured in the late '50s that was used

as a toy for children and an exercise aid for adults?

Hula Hoop.

Who, in 1970, became the first actor to be awarded a life peerage?

He took Brighton as part of his title.

David Attenborough.

Laurence Olivier. Lord Olivier.

With which song did Ben E King finally top the UK singles charts in 1987,

nearly 26 years after its first entry?

Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay?

Stand By Me. Which topical television panel game has Paul Merton and Ian Hislop

as team captains and is hosted by a different guest presenter each week?

Have I Got News For You.

What general term is used for schemes that encourage

drivers to leave their vehicles outside congested city-centre areas

and complete their journey by public transport?

-Park and ride.

-The name of which long-distance challenge in Britain,

undertaken by cyclists and walkers,

is known as Lejog from the first letter of its start and end points?

Land's End to John O'Groats.

Which London street that was once famous for journalism adjoins Salisbury court,

where the diarist Samuel Pepys was born in February 1663?

-Fleet Street.

-Which actress has starred in

the big-screen comedies Bridesmaids, Spy, The Heath

and the 2016 all-female remake of Ghostbusters?

Melissa McCarthy.

In the jargon of the old American West, Boot Hill referred to what?

-Graveyard.

-Yeah, or cemetery.

Victoria, Cambridge Gage and Mirabelle are all varieties of which fruit?

-Peach.

-Plum. In the Norfolk-based television series Kingdom,

what is the profession of the title character, played by Stephen Fry?

Police officer.

No, solicitor. Which DJ, who died in October 2004,

said that Teenage Kicks by The Undertones was his favourite record?

BEEP It was played at his funeral.

-Think of a DJ.

-2004, DJ?

-Make it quick.

I'm trying to think of one that's not still alive,

-so I don't offend anybody.

-Well, that would be wise.

Terry Wogan.

-No, it was John Peel.

-Oh.

-Yeah, there you go.

You've now got a total, Kate, of 15 points.

APPLAUSE

And now Graeme again, please.

And, er...

You're in the business of doing what many of my interviewees do -

-you're a spinner.

-Yes! I'm better than they are, though.

You're better than they are. Well, that's true. We don't...

-Yeah. So, look, you've got the ball.

-Yeah.

-And do you put the spin...

-Yeah, go on. Show me.

-Well, the official way,

the MCC way of coaching, at the Marylebone Cricket Club, is you put

the ball between your fingers and pretend you're opening a door knob.

-Really?

-So that...

-In the rough and short of it, that's how you do it.

-Sounds easy!

But I used to ram it further in my hand and try and rip it

as hard as I could. It's not very good for your fingers.

I've just about got the skin back on my knuckle.

-I finished playing three years ago.

-Honestly?

-Yes.

-And what...

You were amongst the best.

I mean, what is it that makes one spinner better than another?

I don't know. I think spinners have to be very mentally strong

because if you get hit for six, as a fast bowler you can bowl

a bouncer the next ball and try and frighten the batsman.

As a spinner, you can't do anything.

You're 50mph and they can hit you further and further out the ground

so you've got to be very thick-skinned and very thick,

-as my dad used to say to me.

-I'd never thought of that.

Because yes, it looks,

as a spectator who knows nothing about the game,

so much easier to bash a spinning ball than one that's coming at you...

You have to put a brave face on and pretend it's all part of the master plan.

"Yeah, I know what you're doing!" And then you turn around and go,

"Oh, God, don't do it again!"

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Do you ever wish you'd been a fast bowler?

-Not in the...

Wicketkeeper, definitely.

On those cold days in April, they get big gloves to wear and I didn't.

They haven't got to run around, have they and...

-No.

-That's true. Right.

You've got ten points so far and 15 is the score to beat.

Let's see if we can do it with your general knowledge. Here we go.

Which vegetable can be French, runner or baked?

Bean.

The BBC drama series Poldark, based on the novels by Winston Graham,

is set in which English county?

Cornwall.

The name of which electronic device is derived from the words "transfer resistor"?

Radio?

Transistor. In the 1972 film The Godfather,

what is put in the producer Jack Woltz's bed

to make him change his mind and give a film role to Johnny Fontane?

A horse's head.

What word can mean either "a large basket used for laundry or picnics"

or "to impede the progress of something"?

-Hamper.

-Yes.

Which American cavalry officer's last stand was the Battle of Little Bighorn,

when he was killed, in 1876?

George Custer.

Which band had their biggest UK single with If You Leave Me Now,

which topped the charts in 1976?

They're named after the American city where they formed in 1966.

-Can I sing it to you instead?

-Go on, then.

# If you leave me now... #

Right, now give me the answer.

Oh, Philadelphia.

-Chicago!

-Grr!

What name is given to the rough, granular leather typically made from

the skin of a shark or ray and frequently dyed green?

Rawhide?

Shagreen. Which popular variety of potato with a white skin

with pink colouration was introduced in 1902

and named after the monarch who was crowned that year?

King Edward.

In the Superman comics, what is the name of Clark Kent's girlfriend,

whom he finally married in 1996?

Lois Lane.

Which future dictator was born in Braunau am Inn in Austria on 20th April 1889?

Adolf Hitler.

Wallasey, West Kirby and Willaston are all places

on which peninsula in north-west England?

Birkenhead.

Wirral. Which rock star has played the title roles

in the films Lisztomania, Tommy and McVicar?

Sting.

Roger Daltrey. How many square faces does a cube have?

Six.

In pantomime, what name is given to the leading male role

traditionally played by a woman in tights?

-Dame.

-Principal boy.

The song Oh, Pretty Woman, which is the recurrent theme of the film Pretty Woman,

was written by Bill Dees and who? BEEP

Roy Orbison.

Roy Orbison is correct.

No passes, Graeme. You've now got 20 points.

APPLAUSE

And finally, Paul again, please.

-And, Paul...

-Yeah.

-..you've been singing for a long time.

-It's 40 years plus, isn't it?

-Er, yeah.

Well, I didn't start out singing, actually.

-I started out playing drums.

-Mm.

And I sold the drums to buy an organ,

although I couldn't play very much at all,

in order to join the local soul band.

But I didn't sing until...

-Oh, about ten years down the road, actually.

-Still a long time ago.

Long enough, yeah.

And I'm interested whether, as a singer, you have to keep

adapting your style as the years, the decades, go by.

Well, a little bit. I mean, I've always been into all kinds of music.

You know, I've got very wide taste and I think...

I think the era that influenced me the most was around the '60s.

I was a big fan of soul music and Motown and all that sort of stuff

and that's been my major influence.

And that kind of goes in and out of style a little bit but I don't think

it's a good idea, at my age, to be trying to follow trends!

Well, why would you?

Presumably, you don't need to because people who like you like your music and that's...

Well, I think so. I mean, I...

I'm enjoying this stage in my career

and it's probably the most enjoyable, actually, in many ways.

-Really?

-Yeah, I think so.

-Because?

I'm a little more established now as a solo artist -

I've been in loads of bands and stuff, but...

I have a real nice following of people that still come to the shows

and are very, er...

-you know, encouraging. And so, yeah, no, things are...OK.

-Good.

-Long may it last.

-Thank you.

-Now, you have ten points.

The score to beat is 20, so here we go. Two minutes in which to do it.

Which rodent, introduced into Britain from America in the late 19th century,

has displaced its native red counterpart in most parts of the country?

Squirrel.

Yeah, the grey squirrel.

Which cyclist became Britain's most-decorated Olympian at the Rio Games

when he won his eighth medal and fifth gold in the team pursuit event?

Bradley Wiggins.

Which 1948 Cole Porter stage musical, based on a Shakespeare comedy,

features the songs Wunderbar, I Hate Men and Brush Up Your Shakespeare?

Ooh, I don't know. My Fair Lady.

Kiss Me Kate.

What type of beer, known by the initials IPA, gets its name

because it was originally intended for the Far Eastern market?

Indian pale ale.

Which children's television series of 1980 featured occasional appearances

by Barbara Windsor as Saucy Nancy, a ship's figurehead,

Lorraine Chase as Dolly Clothes-Peg

and Billy Connolly as Bogle McNeep, an angry Scottish scarecrow?

Was it No Idea?

No, Worzel Gummidge.

Which classic children's book by Arthur Ransome was brought to the screen in 2016

in a film directed by Philippa Lowthorpe?

-The Invincibles.

-Swallows And Amazons.

What two words complete the proverb "a watched pot..."?

Never boils?

Which holiday resort on the North Wales coast is named after the 6th-century saint

who built a cell on the Great Orme, the headland that overlooks the town?

Llandudno.

Which large eagle is named after the malign creatures in Greek mythology

who were half bird and half woman?

No idea. Venus.

Harpy. The chart-topping album released by The Beatles in 1968 called The Beatles

is usually known by what name after the colour of its sleeve?

The White Album.

Roquefort, made in France from ewe's milk, is a variety of what foodstuff?

Cheese.

Which letter, the third of the Greek alphabet,

corresponds to the Roman letter G?

Selta.

Gamma. In The Muppet Show, what are the names of the two grumpy old men

who watch and heckle the cast from their seats in a box?

Er...Wilson and Henderson.

Statler and Waldorf.

What nickname was given to the world's first wide-bodied jetliner, the Boeing 747...

BEEP ..when it came into service in 1970?

The Jumbo.

The Jumbo. Correct.

You did well but not quite well enough.

-You got 18 points.

-OK, good.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Well, Graeme held onto his lead. Let's have a look at all the scores.

In fourth place, ten points, Janice.

Third place, 15 points, Kate.

Second place, 18 points, Paul.

First place, 20 points, Graeme.

Graeme...

-Well done.

-Thank you very much.

-Not...

Not quite the Ashes but at least you can take it home with you.

I think it's better, to be honest.

You're lying!

At least this is the real thing. You don't get to touch the real Ashes.

-Is that right?

-No.

-Well done.

-Thank you.

You don't have to be a celebrity to take part in the regular Mastermind programme.

If you would like to appear on the next series on BBC Two,

then visit us online at...

And you can follow us on Twitter...

And do join us again next time for more masterminds.

Thanks for watching. Goodbye.