Episode 2 Great TV Mistakes

Hello, I'm Robert Webb.

Welcome to Great TV Mistakes.

Now, I know what you're saying - "But people in telly don't make mistakes.

"They're all perfect, like you, Rob."

Not true. Everyone makes mistakes.

You just called me Rob, for instance.

And no-one but no-one calls me Rob unless I give them permission. Understand?!

Over the next hour, we'll be revealing the worst howlers ever broadcast.

Mistakes my crack team of square-eyed, OCD numpties

refused to rest until they have managed to show you the foul-ups they didn't want you to see.

"They" meaning "them", not you.

Enjoy!

Coming up - mistakes from...

..and many more!

In TV, we have a nickname for special effects.

We call them special "FX".

Aren't we brilliant?

These days, the effects on TV are so special,

they can often leave you, the viewer, wide-eyed, slack-jawed and dumbstruck.

Even more than usual. Yes, thanks to computer technology,

the only limit to modern SFX is the producer's imagination.

Which is a shame, because most producers' imaginations are limited to saying,

"Hey, why don't we just get Ant and Dec to do it?" and then ordering sushi.

Which sadly means every now and again, the "special" effects are anything but.

A high-speed chase in Knight Rider

and Michael is in pursuit of two blokes who have kidnapped a lady.

Oh, she's a terrible back-seat driver.

That car is all over the shop.

Three drivers, one steering wheel, that's asking for trouble.

Oh, no, no, no, no, leave it.

Sit down, you silly cow! Oh, too late, she's jumped.

Well, somebody did.

-Crazy broad jumped out!

-I'm afraid that was your unconscious female.

No, it wasn't, KITT, you're talking out of your tailpipe.

That's her stunt double in an ill-fitting blonde wig.

She's less lookalike and more look nothing like.

It's 24 and look out, the guy in the car is about to get all shooty.

But when he discharges his weapon....

Through the car window, the glass all falls inwards, in defiance of all the laws of physics.

Let's see that again. Take that, Newton.

Look, he's got Stagler.

Here we are, back in that brilliant episode of Wonder Woman,

and Gargantua the Gorilla is making his escape

carrying that bloke from Magnum.

But he's made a terrible error.

In the confusion, he's grabbed a poorly constructed dummy instead.

See it flailing in the breeze just like human bodies don't.

Look, his legs have gone all trembly, something, something, Wembley.

That doesn't make any sense, and neither does this episode of Wonder Woman.

Yes, it's high time Lynda Carter twirled into her crime fighting boob tube and hot pants.

Bad news for bad guys, good news for randy 14-year-old boys.

But look how this spectacular metamorphosis also has the power to

change this humble biro into thin air.

Yeah, it's probably just rolled under the desk.

The Doctor again, and this is what I call thrilling stuff.

There again, I'm quite easily thrilled.

Oh, look, the Doctor is climbing up that giant television aerial,

trying to stop Maureen Lipman being transmitted.

You cannot stop the wire. Soon I shall become...

Then, as Dave's a-dangling from the pylon, his foot suddenly disappears.

Here it is, here it isn't.

Yes, the BBC's blue screen is no larger than a tea towel.

Mac and Guy from Green Wing are heading for a very literal end-of-series cliff-hanger.

Ever wonder how they do stunts like this? Well, the clues are here

and here. That is a safety harness and that is a dirty great support cable.

Less Italian Job, more bodged job.

OK, no argument, the Hulk has always been incredible.

But on the '70s TV show, the effects were anything but.

Here, a couple of local thugs have unwisely locked David Banner in the steam room.

He gets angry, goes green, and picks them and half the wall up using the strength of 100 men.

Or should that be by making them stand on a hidden trolley

and pushing them back using the strength of three caterpillars.

You decide.

The friends from Friends are on holiday and,

oh, dear, it's chucking it down.

But what's worser, their lovely beach house is full of wet sand.

What's with all this sand?

Oh, yeah, Bob said there might be flood damage.

Either that or he has a really big cat.

But now it's dry.

They must have under-sand heating.

A clip from classic Dr Who episode Genesis Of The Daleks,

and keep your eyes on the Dalek chatting with Davros

and the light bulb flashing on his head.

That's how deaf people know that a Dalek is talking, by the way, it's a courtesy thing.

Hold on a sec, his light's gone out.

Maybe he forgot to pay the Da-lecky bill.

But then, between takes, while Davros practises his shouting...

You will obey me!

..there's a chance to unscrew the bulb and pop a new one in.

We are the superior beings.

On with the serious business of mass extermination and sink plunging.

Exterminate!

More from Genesis Of The Daleks now,

and the Thals are about to detonate a bomb

using this rickety old plunger.

But even before that happens, some smoke wafts through the doors.

That bomb has either detonated itself, or one of those Daleks is having a crafty fag.

This is X-Files rain, heavy and persistent, like Mulder,

apart for the heavy bit.

Dana and Fox are in hot pursuit of a woman doing some top-notch driving-in-heavy-rain acting.

Moving the steering wheel about, frowning at rain...

and then she hits a cloudy ghost. Bosh!

But when Mulder and Scully pull over seconds later, all the rain has gone. Spooky.

# Da-da-da-doo, da-da-da-doo... # Sorry, that's The Twilight Zone, sorry.

-I can see her.

-Michelle!

-Help!

Considering it was made in the '60s, the effects on Thunderbirds are pretty FAB.

Of course, every now and again, they were less than perfect.

Look what happens when the aircraft explodes.

This bit of debris flies off and bounces off the back projection screen. Boing.

For some reason, at that moment, in that half-finished foxhole,

all I could think about was the Fourth of July.

Band Of Brothers now, and those German mortars are really doing some damage.

Thank God they're only aiming at the trees. Yeah, Nazis hate trees.

Especially these ones. They're birch trees, they make Nazis furious.

Boom! Take that. Hold on a minute, it did.

A bomb that only causes minimal bark damage. Let's have another look.

Yeah, that must have been a smart bomb.

They only destroy certain trees. If that had been a willow, it would be dead.

A thrilling FX scene from Blake's 7,

the doddery senile grandad of the TV sci-fi family.

Once again, the audience at home are on the edge of their seats, getting up to leave the room.

But gasp as the bad guy is sucked into space.

Although, he's not so much being sucked as dangled by that highly visible safety harness.

Wheeee!

Clothes.

Clothes can go seriously wrong.

Just look at Lady Gaga or anyone from Germany.

If there's one department in telly that gets overlooked, it's wardrobe.

It's very rare to see wardrobes taking a leading role,

except in The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, of course.

Though frankly, the lion and the witch got all the best lines.

Consequently, every now and again, the wardrobe department fights back.

It's Henry VII in a scene from rollicking royal soap The Tudors.

Here's Henry's (divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived),

first wife Catherine of Aragon, looking moody, and who can blame her?

Getting a rousing reception from this crowd of 16th century peasants.

Although, for a bunch of proles,

they're doing pretty well for themselves, cos, look again.

Verily, sire, that's a nice wrist watch.

He made that himself out of straw and bits of the plague.

Lovely Buffy. Not only is she sexy, fun, and good at killing vampires,

she can swap shoes in a microsecond.

See, as she attacks the vampire wearing white party pumps...

Then, alley-oop, suddenly swaps them for a pair of

black boots when required to kick him in his undead nuts.

That is my kind of woman.

Where are your jibes now?

We want to swim and you can't stop us!

It's Desperate Housewives,

and another wardrobe-related oversight is about to kick off

thanks to these cheeky kids who are refusing to get out of the water.

In you go, Mum, sort them out.

She walks into the pool in heels,

wades through the water in heels,

walks out again in heels, but then, having done the hard part,

she's suddenly barefoot.

It's confusing. No wonder her kids are a nightmare.

No parental consistency.

Paul, we have to leave now.

24, and watch this woman exiting the loo, or rather, her shoes.

A pair of good old-fashioned all-American sneakers.

Nothing wrong there. In fact, everything right.

But spin on,

and during a simple walk to her desk, they've been changed,

switched, perverted, into high heels.

Free-world flatties wiped off the face of the earth,

replaced by high-heeled extremism.

And where's Jack Bauer?

Running a minicab firm.

"51 to base, passenger POB, Rog."

James Corden is a bit of a quick-change artist on the side.

Oh, yeah, look.

One minute he's wearing his dinner jacket, and the next, he's lost it.

The jacket, not his temper.

Although it's a wedding, there's always one fight.

Here's classic '70s drama Hawaii Five-0,

as in five acting expressions, oh,dear.

Steve McGarrett is on the case and there's no time to lose.

Except to change his suit on the way up the stairs.

Mr Dennison, please.

Never mind all that, what have you done with your grey suit?

Look, he gets out of the car in the grey one, and walks into the office wearing the blue.

Mr Dennison, please.

Actually, good work, Steve.

No-one wants to be arrested by a man in a sweaty suit.

A fun run along a canal side for the Ashes to Ashes team,

and Alex looks all French - scarf, stripy T-shirt.

I'm not sure about the red belt, though. Nah, get rid of it, Keeley.

That's better. Does it come back?

No.

Under normal circumstances, the last person I'd want to see frolicking in a wet T-shirt is Hurley from Lost.

Unless, of course, he was dancing around a pole, and even then only maybe.

Here he is teaching Charlie to fish and how to be both sopping wet...

..and dry at the same time.

Maybe he's just really hot.

Hot warm, not hot sexy. Unless he was dancing around a pole. Phwoar!

The poacher, I heard him fishing only a few nights ago.

What, with all his sartorial eccentricities,

Doctor Who has always been a strain on the wardrobe department, in whichever incarnation.

In this clip, Tom Baker's jaunty hat is the problem.

He leaves it on the chair and exits, and then in the next scene,

he's walking through the woods wearing it.

Maybe they'd shot a scene where he remembered, thought "huh" and went back for it, but then didn't use it.

Yeah, better check the director's cut.

Little Britain, famous for its comedy characters.

Here's Matt Lucas as Bubbles DeVere.

Bubbles dives under the tanning machine, naked,

but if we spin forward,

she emerges some time later burnt to a crisp and now mysteriously wearing a pair of blue goggles.

Will you excuse me for a moment, please, Mr Hutton, I'm a little bit on fire.

How....

you...a doing?

I love Friends. I could watch it all day.

And thanks to E4, I can.

Here's Joey chatting up a girl in the apartment opposite.

He can't wait to get over there and introduce himself.

And yet, he still has time to miraculously change his black shirt on the way over.

Sweaty black shirt morphs into clean purple one.

But as he knocks on the door,

it's back to black.

Black, purple and black. The three colours of the bad continuity flag.

This is your place?

Another moment of drama in Gray's Anatomy.

Sandra Oh rips off her surgical topcoat and exits the operating theatre.

Meanwhile, out in the corridor, there's a bomb scare.

These doctors can't go faster than .000003 miles an hour

or they'll blow up or something.

Then, just as you thought this scene couldn't get any more confusing, out pops Sandra with her coat on again.

It's a bit like the film Speed but with less speed and more mistakes.

We're moving to an OR further away from the oxygen line.

Hey, David Banner is rescuing a bit-part actress from a cliff.

Spin on, and sure enough, he turns into The Incredible Hulk.

And as usual, his massive green muscles completely tear the shirt from his back.

But seconds later, the shirt reappears,

then disappears, then finally reappears again,

having mounted its curious green host once more.

All right, come on, come on!

Well, there was a lady present.

But sadly, no continuity person.

All great telly starts with a script.

You need writers who can really write words good comma

and make the things we actors and presenters say in their mouths have, like, pizzazz and that.

Yes, script and story are crucial.

Confused story lines and dialogue, and character errors can spoil an entire series in seconds.

That's why broadcasters spend enormous amounts of money hiring professional writers and executives

to ensure this doesn't happen and why they get so disappointed when it still does.

Take a look at this little lot.

24, and here's Jack Bauer giving his exact location to headquarters.

We're at 21408 Kipling, North Hollywood.

That's 21408 Kipling, North Hollywood. 21408.

Now, spin on,

and the car is here.

But spin on again, and we can see they've pulled up outside 21048.

Well, that's no good. Kiefer's at 21408.

But hang on, he is here, at 21048,

-and not...

-21408 Kipling, North Hollywood.

Where he said he was a moment ago.

Still, it's only the Secret Service in a desperate race against time to save lives,

nothing important, like a pizza delivery.

Here's Ashes To Ashes,

the disappointing follow-up to Life On Mars.

It's July 1981.

And a shocked Keeley Hawes

has just found herself mysteriously back in the 1980s.

She's trying to find out the date from Gene Hunt's steam-driven computer.

Let's check it. 17th July 1981.

There's nothing on this hard drive but the time and date.

Spin on, and later, in her new '80s flat, we see that she's marked her arrival date as July 20th.

She's lost three days.

There are easier ways to lose three days, Keeley.

Try drinking five pints of gin.

Works for me.

Here's an IT blunder from serial-killing drama, Dexter.

As Rudy Cooper opens an e-mail from [email protected]...

..presses reply,

and suddenly he's writing back to [email protected].

Don't worry, though, thanks to the confusing power of telly,

Frozen Barbie still gets the e-mail anyway.

All's well that ends well. Except for the fact that he kills her and cuts her into tiny pieces.

Here's an early clip from Star Trek: The Next Generation

and new Number One, Will Riker, is looking for the holodeck.

The computer tells him it's...

'The next hatchway on your right.'

-You mean left, surely?

-Thank you.

-He's bluffing. Riker knows that the new Enterprise computer is an idiot.

-I do.

And goes left instead.

In the future, many things will be different, but apparently, men still don't trust directions from a woman.

US drama Fringe, and this bonkers boffin has invented a camera

that can photograph a corpse

and capture the last image seen by a person before their death.

-Ready?

-I know, it's rubbish, but go with it.

Let's listen to the doc's advice.

Goggles, all of you. Do not look directly into the light.

-MIMICS:

-"Goggles, all of you. Do not look directly into the light."

Got it. Camera, dangerous. Goggles, essential.

But spin on through the rubbish, and see what happens.

They've taken them off. Oi! And you! Put them back on.

The doctor said keep the goggles on while the camera is still flashing.

Doc, tell them to... not you, as well. I give up. This programme is stupid.

The OC crowd are in a nightclub

when one of our old friends

leaves an urgent message for his mate. Let's listen in.

Luke, it's me. I want to make sure you took care of it.

OK. Ryan said, "Luke, it's me.

"I want to make sure you took care of it." And there was lots of noise in the background.

Does Luke get the message? Yes. But not that one.

-WITHOUT BACKGROUND NOISE:

-Luke, it's me. I'm just calling to make sure you took care of it.

"Luke, it's me. I'm just CALLING to make sure you took care of it."

Different words and no background noise. Probably a network problem.

There's a joke here somewhere about Orange County, but where are the good times?

Writing a long-running show like Frasier is tricky,

having to remember the characters' likes and dislikes

and relatives. They're a nightmare, even when they're not real.

Just listen to Frasier's dad Martin in series one.

I never had a brother.

Marty Crane never had a brother.

-Oh, I've got the feeling he would have liked one, though, and by series five, he did.

-There he is!

Well! This is so exciting! You two must have so much to talk about. Uncle Walt, hello!

That's either a mistake or someone needs a psychiatrist.

-Marty.

-Walt.

SOUND problems are very common in television,

partly because it would be impossible to control all the sounds around us

and partly because most sound men are tone-deaf alcoholics whose only hope of noticing a pin drop

is if you pull it out of a live grenade in front of them and throw it in their stupid faces.

We in telly call the process of replacing sounds "dubbing" or "ADR",

which stands for automatic dialogue replacement.

Mind you, looking at these next clips, you'd think it stood for awful dialogue replacement!

HE GUFFAWS EXAGGERATEDLY

It's Doctor Izzie Stevens in Grey's Anatomy,

who can say "ooh" without moving her lips.

No really, she can. Look.

Oh, ooh!

Oh, I like that. Again?

-Ooh!

-Oh, go on then. Once more!

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

Are you allowed to eat a cupcake in a sterile environment?

Are you still working with Meredith?

Ah, yes. Meredith, AKA Dr Grey herself.

But don't stand on ceremony, she hates that.

Dr Grey.

-Meredith.

-Meredith.

We heard it but we didn't see it.

That man did not say "Meredith".

-Or did he?

-Meredith.

-No, he did not.

At least not at the time.

Maybe he hates the name Meredith and refused to say it.

"Ah," they thought, "We'll just stick that on later in the edit."

And they did. Badly.

-Because I stayed in the OR to save a life.

-Meredith.

-Very good.

-What have you go there?

Pride and Prejudice, and keep your eyes and ears

on that fine actress Alison Steadman.

There she is, famous for her performance in Abigail's Party

and loads of other parts that have been quite similar.

But hark, only an actress with Alison's vocal skills could say different words than her own mouth.

Lord knows I have no desire to be always going here and there at night.

Oi, Steadman! Your mouth's writing cheques your voice can't cash! That doesn't make any sense.

I have no desire to be always going here and there at night.

But neither does poor-quality dubbing.

# For Jesus Christ our saviour... #

More Pride and Prejudice, and Mary's depressing everyone

with her piano playing like some 19th-century Dido.

But look, there in the back of shot, Maria's singing without moving her lips.

-Maybe she's singing out of her...

-HE WHISTLES

-Now, you might call that a mistake but I call it some of the finest...

-HE WHISTLES

..singing I've ever heard.

Everyone, I just wanted to say it really means a lot to me

-that all of you came.

-In this episode of Desperate Housewives,

Carlos is giving a speech to friends about leaving to go to jail.

But when they cut to a shot of Susan and Julie listening,

we see Carlos isn't talking despite the fact we can still hear him.

And when a man goes away to jail...

-Now, he hasn't got a...

-HE WHISTLES

-..so maybe he's talking out of his "ah-huh-huh". In which case, respect.

-So, thanks.

Look, everyone. It's Rachel off Friends, venting her spleen.

So I was with Joshua for an hour today and he has not asked me out.

Just so frustrating.

I know, bad dubbing is very frustrating and I'll tell you what else is frustrating.

Having Brad Pitt stolen away from you by Angelina Jolie.

Curse you, Bradley Pitt.

Just so frustrating.

I know, but don't go on about it.

I wondered what it'd be like to be a dude,

walking through the halls in jeans and a ratty T-shirt...

It's One Tree Hill, another one of those American shows full of cute people

who've got everything they need. Except a good slap in the face!

Maybe I'm into girls.

SILENCE

Whoa! Rachel just said that last line twice. No, really. Look.

Maybe I'm into girls.

-MIMICS:

-Maybe I'm into girls.

I think it's time for that slap in the face.

Just give me a straight yes or no.

Why should I give you...

It's Only Fools and would you Adam and Eve it,

Del Boy is about to put his plates of meat

right in it and say something a bit apples and bassist, or whatever racist is in Cockney.

What are the odds on you picking the only genuine weight watcher in London?

Del's original line was "the only Provo weight watcher in London".

-By the time the show aired, "Provo" had been overdubbed with the word...

-Genuine...

..which wouldn't be offensive to the people of Ireland or the IRA.

Believe me, it doesn't take much to get THEM writing in to Points Of View.

Most people in TV will tell you that actors can be difficult to work with.

But take it from me, those people are LIARS.

I wouldn't wee on them if they were on fire.

No, CARS are difficult to work with.

My old friend Ross Kemp now refuses to work with cars

following a nasty incident with a dodgy 1974 Hillman Imp which very nearly acted him off the screen.

A thrilling scene from Lost,

the show about invisible polar bears on a desert island.

Based on a true story.

Here, the truck without the tailgate runs off the road.

Oh, dear. There goes the truck. There goes the tailgate flying off that it didn't have a second ago.

But luckily in the next shot, it's back on again.

Look on the bright side, she's lost a truck but gained a tailgate.

That might come in handy later, polar bears hate car parts.

I hate continuity errors.

Nip/Tuck now and watch these two teenagers.

Oh, dear.

Who'd have thought an argument between a pair of stoners in a speeding car could end so badly?

These lads have left a nasty pair of skid marks.

But when they go and check out the damage, the skid marks have disappeared.

Well, the ones on the road have!

GUFFAWS EXAGGERATEDLY

I mean, you know, the ones in their pants are still there, yeah?

Nice one! The woman's dead, by the way.

I think we hit a bird.

It's Bo and Luke Duke doing what they do well, driving fast

and talking nonsense.

But what's that strange appendage fastened to the right rear wheel?

It couldn't be a camera, could it? To film them flying through the air? Yes, it could.

SHE SCREAMS

Buffy The Vampire Slayer, a show that attracts geeks

like dog poo attracts new trainers.

Here, the Buffster's mate, Cordelia, is having a driving lesson and not a moment too soon.

Wahoo!

If we spin on, we can see and hear...

her slam the car door shut.

But in the next shot it's open.

So that this oncoming truck can smash into it, as per the script.

CORDELIA SCREAMS

Crisis averted. In the circumstances, the best option. Either that or reshoot it properly.

-Nah.

-What's happening? I can't see anything.

Dozy cow.

Hawaii Five-0 and Steve McGarrett is off to the scene of a crime

in his beloved Ford.

But what crime exactly? Grand theft auto, that's what.

Cos when Steve pulls up at the crime scene, his car has grown a couple more doors.

Yep, he pulls away in a two-door coupe

and arrives in a four-door sedan.

Book him, Danno, for crimes against continuity.

One part of every show normally immune from TV mistakes

is the titles.

Not the famous opening title sequence from Sex And The City, though. Oh, no.

We all know what's coming next.

SJP gets splashed by a bus full of commuters

but look what happens when the same bus turns left moments later.

It's deserted. Maybe they all fainted.

It's not every day you see a Yorkshire terrier in a Tutu.

When visiting LA, there are two things you simply MUST do.

One is rent a fabulous car.

The Sex And The City girls have gone west.

Hey, bet you don't know what the most popular car in LA is?

It's the green four-door sedan.

Look, there's one going past now.

And going past again.

That's very distracting.

Spin on, and almost enough to make the girls crash into another car...

SCREAMING, HORN HONKS

..that's not there any more.

-OK, that's enough!

-Phew, that was close. Did I say close?

I meant badly filmed.

I'm not going to die in this tin can. I have a date with a dildo.

Here's one of those FREAKS from Heroes now,

using his superpower to defrost a car.

Finally, a superpower with a practical use.

What does it say on that car windscreen? "Automatic."

I wasn't looking for an automatic. It's a nice car though. I'm definitely interested.

Actually, it's almost exactly what I'm looking for. I like the colour, the make, the price,

it's just if only instead of being automatic it was say, low-mileage.

He-hey, now it is!

That's what I call superpower.

And art department incompetence.

BEEPING

Ashes To Ashes, and a chance to enjoy

all that painstakingly-recreated '80s period detail.

Everything exactly as it would have been 30 years ago.

Except for that N-reg 1993 Rover 600,

which didn't go into production for another 12 years.

-..before the turns to the high street, copy that.

-Who cares?

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-We're remaking The Sweeney and we haven't had any dinner!

Here's a clip from 24, and Jack Bauer is under surveillance.

See, there's the minicam, at the front left of the windscreen.

His every move is being watched, except by the remaining audience. They fell asleep hours ago.

Now, look as we see the window from the inside of the car.

The minicam's gone! A mistake?

Well, yes, but these people are saving the world.

They can't remember everything!

Here's Knight Rider, David Hasselhoff, telling KITT

to round up some other cars,

a bit like a two-tonne metal sheepdog,

with an engine and bumpers.

Talking of bumpers, why are all those covered in plastic?

It's almost as if they've been fitted with protective guards

to prevent scratches.

No, they wouldn't do that. That'd be almost as bad as letting us see

the stuntman that really drives KITT, slumped in the front seat.

Well, his arm.

At least he didn't pull a moonie!

The great thing about animals is the fact that they will literally work for peanuts.

Over the years, animals have given us some classic TV moments.

Who can forget the infamous Blue Peter elephant, who for

years carried the blame for Peter Purves's violent bout of diarrhoea.

The following clips might be less well-known, but they are sure

to delight fans of TV mistakes and mild animal cruelty alike.

A humorous little set piece

from Grey's Anatomy now, following doctors Burke and Yang's

street chat, George's bagel gets pooed on by a bird

and, devastated, he throws it to the pavement,

where it's immediately pounced upon

by a grateful pigeon, just like in the script.

How do they do that? Was it a stunt pigeon?

No, it was a plain old ordinary pigeon, tied to a length of wire.

Time to give the man responsible the push.

Too late, he jumped.

This horrible 19th-century singing is upsetting me and the dog.

-HOWLING

-Hark at him howling!

Well, not so much "howling", more "looking", silently looking up at

the doggy treat being waved by his handler off-camera.

"But we need him to howl," said the director.

"It'll be fine," said the sound man,

"we'll just stick some howling effects on later,

"and no-one'll notice."

Well, we did. Oh,shut up, dear!

How DO they train dumb animals to act?

I'm talking about the dog!

They use handlers, of course.

Handlers like him.

I've always wanted to see

what the top of a dog handler's head looks like. Hairy.

At the top of the show, what you might call "the beginning", we saw a clip montage,

what you might call a "collection",

in which the camera crew accidentally found themselves in shot.

What you might call "shocking unprofessionalism".

Not all such unscheduled on-screen appearances are easy to spot.

Shop windows, car doors, and poorly-placed mirrors are all catnip to the careless cameraman.

Yes, nothing has the power to confuse and confound

these highly-trained industry professionals

like a reflection, or their own shadows!

Which don't do that.

You know what Eurisko means?

Back on those X Files,

Dave and Gill are about to be shown a mysterious video tape,

which is what people in the past had instead of DVDs.

It was like a roll of black ribbon in a box. Trust me, it was rubbish.

Anyway, look what happens before it starts to play.

Oh,dear, once more, the mysterious effect

of what some people call "a reflection"

catches out another entire telly crew.

-Let me show you something.

-We've seen enough, thank you.

'80s classic Knight Rider will always be remembered

less for its high production standards

and more for being a pile of arse.

How's that for a shadow? Not the best shot in the series, but if you

look carefully, you can see one of the soundmen doing a shadow puppet

of a crocodile eating a sausage.

So not a complete disaster.

-No, but can you?

-Two Pints Of Lager.

Here's Gaz and Donna on their way to visit Donna's mum,

but they're not the only visitors.

Keep your eye on the bay window.

Peepo! That's either a cameraman or Will Mellor's stalker.

SHE LAUGHS

Don't laugh. They don't always follow celebrities.

..party, not a shareholders' meeting.

I love Arrested Development.

Although, admittedly, this isn't the best bit.

Watch Jeffrey Tambor's fetching shades.

Because, you know what sunglasses do? They reflect.

I knew it was against the law!

Ooh! There's the entire Arrested Development crew!

Hi guys, great show, bad shot!

It's Thunderbirds, and as the cameraman

moves into spy on this puppet lady,

which is itself a bit wrong,

we catch sight of him in the window.

There he is, holding the camera, lowering the camera... Pervert.

We're just getting a breath of fresh air.

Now, who wants to see

what the third assistant director on Skins looks like?

Ready? There he is!

Bless! There's his little face reflected in the taxi window.

Bet he got into trouble for that one.

Don't worry, though, he's still working in the TV industry,

putting up satellite dishes in the Solihull area.

Now, who wants to see what the rest of the Skins crew looks like?

There they are, merrily dollying along the pavement,

reflected in the bay windows.

Didn't even wave!

Vicky Pollard is thrown out of a shop,

and oh, there's the reflection of the camera crew.

Standing around, wondering what's about to happen next.

Is it that? Yes, it was that.

More crew caught out by cars in 24.

Cooee, Mr Cameraman.

Whose stupid idea was it to polish that vehicle?

Don't worry, Jack Bauer's got 24 hours to find them.

And some more consonants for his surname.

Is that you?

Here's a heart-rending scene

from Dr Who, as Mickey has an emotional reunion with his grandma.

And the boom mic operator, reflected in Granny's sunglasses.

A lovely moment.

This is a cracker. The housewives are desperate,

but when it comes to reflections,

the crew are just plain stupid. OK, fair play.

This shot's all right, no reflections in the car window there.

But just look what happens when Susan pulls away.

Ooh! That is one dirty great camera, and one dirty great cameraman.

Time for a Twinkie!

Back on Wisteria Lane, Gaby's Maserati is about to be repossessed,

but oh,dear, whenever I see a shiny object on a TV show, I always fear the worst.

And here's why.

Where there's a boom pole, there's a sound man.

Eva Longoria has been in 128 episodes of Desperate Housewives. And the crew have been in about 12!

You call this a paint job?

Only Fools, and here's Del Boy with Mike and Boycie and Trigger

and the shadow of an enormous camera.

All together now - "You plonker!"

When TV crews aren't wandering in, or crawling through, or squatting down in the back of shot,

ruining the hard work of so many others, they're forgetting to clear away their filthy bits of gear.

And I'm not just talking about flasks of tea or copies of Warhammer magazine.

I'd like to say that these next clips were memorable for their excellent dialogue or performances,

but instead, I'm forced to report that they were all but destroyed

by the unwanted presence of poorly-positioned TV kit.

Lights, cameras, are just two of the items you'll see. Here's the clips.

Years ago, trucker named Bubba.

Ah, Dawson's Creek. Look, there's tiny Katie Holmes-y,

back when she was only trapped in a TV soap

and not in a marriage to Tom Cruise.

Wait a second! That's either Katie's radio mic

or the box by which Tom Cruise controls her every movement.

No, she hadn't met Tom back then.

She does have one now, though.

Another clip from Pride And Prejudice,

starring dishy Colin Firth,

and a scene oozing with sexual tension. Hardly surprising.

Look at that dancing! That is hot.

But hang on a minute, what's that?

An electric light in the early 19th century?

Oh, I hate anachronistic errors!

I daren't think what Jane Austen's going to make of that when she sees it.

She's the real deal.

Joey told you about the leg?

Now as we know, sound men often

use a boom pole to record sound so the microphone won't get into shot.

Except sometimes when a sound man has had a very busy morning on set

or an even busier lunch down the pub, the boom does drop into shot.

D'oh! There it is, did you see it?

Oh, wake up you sandal-wearing lush!

Another clip from Friends and proof that firing the boom operator

isn't the answer because in all likelihood,

the next one will be just as bad.

D'oh, hello!

Of course.

Here's a scary scene from Supernatural.

Two men reading a book?

Ooh, someone could get a paper cut or an overdue library fine.

Hey, there's something behind that lampshade. It's a television camera.

Oh, it doesn't get any more exciting than this.

Oh, it does.

Stir up a hornets' nest.

The Wire. A flawless show in every respect. Well, mostly.

Look, the cameraman moves back too far and, bang,

that enormous TV light has just been seen by millions of viewers.

Well, at least the ones that sit three inches from the screen,

staring at the extreme right of frame instead of at the action, like me.

GUNFIRE

He's in here.

Two Pints Of Lager, and Donna has dragged Gaz to meet her family.

And this boom mic.

Hello, there you go, short and sweet, a bit like me.

Apart from the short bit, obviously.

He works away a lot.

She tastes of lard.

More pints of light comedy lager,

and stand by for another brief cameo from the boom mic,

instantly upstaging Ralf Little, and the other one,

by being twice as funny.

Peepo! Peep! Peep!

Thanks, Mr Boom Mic Operator.

We owe you a drink.

No, I just kissed her.

You have absolutely no sense of humour, do you?

Fawlty Towers, a truly great sitcom

that wasn't afraid to break the rules.

Like the one about not leaving monitor screens lying around in the back of shot.

There it is. You can even make out the very same shot of Basil running

into the kitchen on the screen, and if you look at the monitor on the monitor, you can even...

Actually I'll stop there before or I go mad and start insulting some Germans.

It's the live EastEnders, and as Bradley lies dying,

everyone crowds into the Square. Even the boom mic.

Hell, take my daughter for example.

The wonderful Arrested Development, and it's time to be

perfectly honest, of all the "boom mic in shot" shots I've seen, this has to be in my favourite 50.

A glorious Sunday afternoon. She won't tell me.

Wotcher. I think you'll agree that was worth waiting for.

What play?

Editing is, of course, the simplest of all the jobs

that people do in television that nobody really cares about.

All an editor has to do is sit in a room with a producer or director

and cut out of the stuff that didn't work and stick together all the stuff that did.

But as we've already seen, mistakes get made, especially in a busy edit suite where teas

and coffees have to be ordered and lunch menus read from cover to cover.

Yes, between them, producers, directors and editors can make some

pretty surprising decisions when it comes to selecting which shots to use and which to throw away.

Take, for example, the decision to re-shoot all of my links here today

instead of using the ones I recorded myself yesterday in the shower. Ridiculous.

Here's a clip from American series Bones, and the perennial question,

how do you pass the time on a long trip through the desert?

I know. How about looking at the back projection and trying to spot

when the cyclorama suddenly changes from flat scrub to mountainscape in a split second. Are we there yet?

There we are. Your turn.

And...cut.

Great work, everybody. Who wants to play I-spy?

I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.

It's Crap FX, isn't it?

It's Skins, and lovely Tony

is about to tuck into a delicious tuna sandwich.

Mmm, I love sandwiches. Conversely, most directors hate them.

They're a continuity nightmare.

And we're off. Bite one to the left.

Which is now two bites big.

That'd really put a dampener on your day.

And whole again. First bite again to the left.

Look what you're doing to your mate.

He doesn't know what day it is.

-But now multiple bites to left and right.

-Have some tuna sandwich.

-It'll make you feel better.

-Are you sure? I'm feeling a bit dizzy.

No, no, no, leave it.

Leave it. He's at it as well.

Tony is back to a one-bite sandwich. Two bites.

Bites right and left.

No, two bites to the left.

-Hi, Tony.

-Oh, beat it, kids, I'm trying to concentrate.

Multiple bites again right and left.

Oh, I've changed my mind, I hate tuna sandwiches.

So the chair's a write-off?

Miranda and Carrie are in the city taking a break from all that sex

to enjoy a nice sit-down and... Oh, dear, cupcakes.

Carrie's cupcake continuity is immaculate, but in a moment,

Miranda's muffin goes from well-eaten to cake-o intacta.

Actually, that wasn't too bad.

Tony from Skins, pay attention.

You got a whacking lot of doughnuts.

Yes, food is a continuity nightmare, especially on Skins.

Look, Pandora dives into this bag of doughnuts and grabs one with yellow icing.

Takes a couple of bites, one, two.

Now it's half-gone.

Suddenly, it's all gone.

Takes a pink one.

Which is now yellow.

And back to pink with two bites out of it.

Then just one bite.

And now it's gone.

Hello.

And back again!

-That's doughnut madness.

-Effie. So glad to meet you.

In telly, one of the jobs of the director, besides shouting

and drinking coffee, is blocking,

which means telling the cameras and actors where to stand,

though not always in the right place.

Look, as Jenna goes to wake Gan, who's that loitering in the background?

It's either an alien or Vila, arms folded, looking bored.

Gan, come on, wake up.

-What's wrong, Jenna?

-And cue Vila.

-Something's happened to them.

-Where is he?

If the future turns out to be anything like Blake's 7,

-I'm going to be so disappointed.

-What are you up to now?

Go on, my son, go on, go on!

Classic comedy from Only Fools And Horses, with some less-than-classic

"standing around waiting for a cue" work from actor Lennard Pearce.

Here it comes. Wait for it, Lennard.

Oh, Lennard!

I blame the director. It's not really Grandad's fault.

He's so old. He's probably just stuck to the lino.

It's Friends in Vegas.

Here comes Chandler. He sees Monica having fun with another fellow,

and all melancholy, he turns to leave.

And leave again. You might think they just used the same shot twice, and you'd be right.

You will not be better until they've...

In this clip from the first series of Red Dwarf, Craig Charles

is enjoying Craig Ferguson's lines and big acting so much, he joins in.

I don't know, is it some place near Uruguay?

Oh, you missed it, didn't you?

Try again and keep your eyes on little Craig.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"I don't know, is it some place near Uruguay?"

Lovely bit of close-harmony acting.

Just let her go.

-Go ahead, shoot.

-Agent Mulder is in a stand off with a villain.

He's probably an alien in disguise, they usually are.

Like all good FBI agents, though, he's got his earpiece in so that

he can listen to Chris Moyles and fight the alien hordes.

Which is harder? You decide.

This scene is crying out for a close-up of Mulder wrestling with his conscience

and finally shooting the baddie.

Unfortunately, they didn't get one, so they'd to film it later

when he wasn't wearing an earpiece.

Embarrassed in front of millions.

Sorry, Dave.

Mulder and Scully are pursuing a suspect.

Either that, or another dissatisfied guest is leaving the FBI hotel

via this half-open window.

Oh, it's fallen on him.

No, it hasn't.

-Get your hands up!

-Yeah, he will if you sort that window out.

Max?

It's Mulder again,

and he's spotted something odd about this enormous tree trunk.

Wait a minute, I think I know what it is.

One minute, it's big with no green and no hand, but in close-up,

it's suddenly much smaller and gained a pointy hand and some green.

-I've never seen a ring like that before.

-Me neither. Rubbish, wasn't it?

Here's the lovely Jennifer Ehle

in Pride And Prejudice, playing the piano.

Except she isn't, because when we see inside,

none of the hammers are moving.

Although, she's definitely got my hammers moving,

if you know what I mean.

Actually, I'm not sure if even I know what that means.

This party's rocking. That's not tea they're sipping, it's rum.

Mmm... All off their 19th-century faces.

The editor certainly had a few.

Look what happens when he cuts to a wide shot.

..can't express what we feel about your kindness to our dear Lydia.

Suddenly, these two blokes are talking to each other and not listening to Alison Steadman,

who's now chatting to someone sitting beside her, who isn't even there.

Not so much Pride And Prejudice as Pride And Pretty Poor Wide Shot!

-HE GUFFAWS

-Oh, dear!

And let us toast also Dr Soong.

Star Trek NG, and Good Data and Bad Data are drinking champagne.

A perfect match for my mind.

-My body.

-Good Data has been poisoned by Bad Data.

Good Data topples backwards and somehow lands on his face.

It's almost as if they had to redo it because the way he fell the first time was rubbish.

They're good, these androids. I'm getting one.

He had it shipped over from Scotland.

Ever wondered what Superman's teenage years were like?

Me neither, but that didn't stop them making Smallville.

In between popping zits and shouting at his parents, Clark has found time to visit young Lex Luthor.

Nice house.

Shame you can see those two pieces of white tape on the parquet floor,

put there by the crew to let Lex know where to stand.

That's what we in TV call a mark.

-And a mistake.

-What's the matter?

-You don't like it?

-No, it very bad.

The Black Adder, AKA Rowan Atkinson.

Funny comedian, fine actor, always hits his mark.

Mainly because it's clearly visible right there under his shoe.

Three days after my funeral,

Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion.

In this clip from Desperate Housewives, Lynette is at the mall

with those three naughty sons of hers and the baby, in pink, in the trolley.

I can only imagine.

Uh-oh, two of the boys have done a runner.

But one bad pick-up shot later, and it looks like all four have scarpered.

At least she's still got her pink blanket.

Whichever way you look at it, that is borderline careless.

-Lynette Scavo?

-Crap.

Classic Tom Baker-era Dr Who and,

as one of the mummies from the Pyramids of Mars attacks Sarah Jane,

he smashes this important device,

known as a Marconiscope, to smithereens.

Except in the very next shot, he hasn't.

If you want to find out what a Marconiscope is,

just go to any Dr Who fan site. They'll know.

Just don't ask them what day it is.

With live TV, you just have to go with it.

In this climactic scene in the live 'StEnders episode,

see if you can spot the moment when the cameraman trips.

Oh!

Dr George, played by TR Knight, is badly let down by the editing

of this scene from Grey's Anatomy,

as we see him remove his surgical topcoat not once but twice.

A sloppy choice of shots in the edit and a great actor's career lies in ruins.

# Here's what she said... #

Great, it's The Simpsons,

and here is Ned Flanders on top of a hill, singing.

And here comes everyone else.

That's funny. Wait a minute, so is that.

Apu's skin is yellow, which in The Simpsons, means white,

but he's Asian, and usually brown, which in The Simpsons means brown.

Which he was, but he isn't any more.

Who does he think he is, Michael Jackson?

Sorry, shouldn't joke, he's dead. Jacko, I mean, not Apu.

That would have been horrible.

# Que sera, se... #

Run!

DOOR OPENS Clark!

Martha from Smallville has sustained a nasty cut.

There it is, just above her right eye.

And here it is on her left eye.

And back to the right.

Yep, the director had "crossed the line", telly speak for "cocking up the camera position".

Then he tried to fix it in the edit by flipping the shot.

You might be able to get gaffes like that past Superman, but not us.

Here is a sequence to make the Avatar team blush and then pat

the Dr Who effects department on the head and say, "Oh, bless."

When this spaceship crashes into the tower of Big Ben, suddenly, the numerals on her back-to-front.

Because someone made a boob in the CGI and had to

flip the shot to make it look like the spaceship enters from the right.

The technique of flipping can also be used on your own TV remote every time Simon Cowell comes on.

The king will therefore be requiring a new mistress.

Dr Tennant again, in this clip,

leaning on a balustrade in 18th-century France,

spying on Madame Pompadour.

She senses his presence, turns, but sees nothing.

Not even his hand clutching the wall.

Cos he isn't. But, in the next shot, he clearly still is.

Maybe he's developed the power of invisibility.

She's in for a surprise at bedtime.

..on my brand-new camera.

A less-than-thrilling clip from Dr Who,

and Mark Warren is being filmed by a mate on his camcorder.

The producers of the show are making sure we understand we're looking

through a camcorder or by putting these frame lines on the screen.

But spin on through the tedium, and the little lines have gone.

Have dark forces tampered with the fabric of time and space?

-I still don't know.

-Well, I do.

No, the editor got distracted by his Facebook page and forgot to put them on.

And finally, if it's bad shot choices you're after,

and who isn't, then check this. Here's Buffy,

undertaking a vampire slayer's least onerous of tasks,

picking up and putting down a pair of glasses.

See if you can spot the gaffe.

Yep.

Wearing two pink rings on her fingers,

she places the specs on the table, unfolded, with both hands.

But in the close-up, the glasses have been folded,

and are now put down by a single hand wearing a silver ring

on a completely different table.

-That, with the best will in the world, was really

-BLEEP.

Well, there it is, TV's Greatest Mistakes.

Writers, directors, cameramen, editors, producers, set designers, wardrobe, hair and make-up minions.

I salute you, albeit in a slack, cack-handed and rather incompetent way.

You were the best!

And by the best, of course, I mean the worst!

-HE LAUGHS

-Bye-bye! Get out of the way.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd