Episode 6 Great TV Mistakes

Hello, I'm Robert Webb.

Welcome to Great TV Mistakes.

Over the next half hour, we'll be revealing the worst howlers ever broadcast.

Mistakes my crack team of square-eyed OCD numpties

refuse to rest until they have managed to show you the foul-ups

they didn't want you to see.

"They" meaning them, not you.

Coming up - mistakes from:

..and many, many more!

SOUND problems are very common in television,

partly because it would be impossible to control all the sounds around us

and partly because most sound men are tone-deaf alcoholics whose only hope of noticing a pin drop

is if you pull it out of a live grenade in front of them and throw it in their stupid faces.

We in telly call the process of replacing sounds "dubbing" or "ADR",

which stands for automatic dialogue replacement.

Mind you, looking at these next clips, you'd think it stood for awful dialogue replacement!

HE GUFFAWS EXAGGERATEDLY

It's Dr Izzie Stevens in Grey's Anatomy,

who can say "ooh" without moving her lips. No really, she can.

-Look.

-Oh, ooh!

Oh, I like that. Again?

-Ooh!

-Oh, go on then. Once more!

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-Are you allowed to eat a cupcake in a sterile environment?

-Are you still working with Meredith?

Ah, yes. Meredith, AKA Dr Grey herself.

But don't stand on ceremony, she hates that.

Dr Grey.

-Meredith.

-Meredith.

We heard it, but we didn't see it.

That man did not say "Meredith".

-Or did he?

-Meredith.

-No, he did not.

At least not at the time.

Maybe he hates the name Meredith and refused to say it.

"Ah," they thought, "We'll just stick that on later in the edit."

And they did. Badly.

-Because I stayed in the OR to save a life.

-Meredith.

-Very good.

-What have you got there?

Pride and Prejudice, and keep your eyes and ears

on that fine actress Alison Steadman.

There she is, famous for her performance in Abigail's Party

and loads of other parts that have been quite similar.

But hark, only an actress with Alison's vocal skills could say different words than her own mouth.

Lord knows I have no desire to be always going here and there at night.

Oi, Steadman! Your mouth's writing cheques your voice can't cash! That doesn't make any sense.

I have no desire to be always going here and there at night.

But neither does poor-quality dubbing.

# For Jesus Christ our saviour... #

More Pride and Prejudice, and Mary's depressing everyone

with her piano playing like some 19th-century Dido.

But look, there in the back of shot, Maria's singing without moving her lips.

-Maybe she's singing out of her...

-HE WHISTLES

-Now, you might call that a mistake but I call it some of the finest...

-HE WHISTLES

..singing I've ever heard.

Everyone, I just wanted to say it really means a lot to me

-that all of you came.

-In this episode of Desperate Housewives,

Carlos is giving a speech to friends about leaving to go to jail.

But when they cut to a shot of Susan and Julie listening,

we see Carlos isn't talking despite the fact we can still hear him.

And when a man goes away to jail...

-Now, he hasn't got a...

-HE WHISTLES

-..so maybe he's talking out of his "ah-huh-huh". In which case, respect.

-So, thanks.

I wondered what it'd be like to be a dude,

walking through the halls in jeans and a ratty T-shirt...

It's One Tree Hill, another one of those American shows full of cute people

who've got everything they need. Except a good slap in the face!

Maybe I'm into girls.

SILENCE

Whoa! Rachel just said that last line twice. No, really. Look.

Maybe I'm into girls.

-MIMICS:

-Maybe I'm into girls.

I think it's time for that slap in the face.

Just give me a straight yes or no.

Why should I give you...

It's Only Fools and would you Adam and Eve it,

Del Boy is about to put his plates of meat

right in it and say something a bit apples and bassist, or whatever racist is in Cockney.

What are the odds on you picking the only genuine weight watcher in London?

Del's original line was "the only Provo weight watcher in London".

-By the time the show aired, "Provo" had been overdubbed with the word...

-Genuine...

..which wouldn't be offensive to the people of Ireland or the IRA.

Believe me, it doesn't take much to get THEM writing in to Points Of View.

At the top of the show, what you might call "the beginning", we saw a clip montage,

what you might call a "collection",

in which the camera crew accidentally found themselves in shot.

What you might call "shocking unprofessionalism".

Not all such unscheduled on-screen appearances are easy to spot.

Shop windows, car doors, and poorly-placed mirrors are all catnip to the careless cameraman.

Yes, nothing has the power to confuse and confound

these highly-trained industry professionals

like a reflection, or their own shadows!

Which don't do that.

You know what Eurisko means?

Back on those X Files,

Dave and Gill are about to be shown a mysterious video tape,

which is what people in the past had instead of DVDs.

It was like a roll of black ribbon in a box. Trust me, it was rubbish.

Anyway, look what happens before it starts to play.

Oh dear, once more, the mysterious effect

of what some people call "a reflection"

catches out another entire telly crew.

-Let me show you something.

-We've seen enough, thank you.

80s classic Knight Rider will always be remembered

less for its high production standards

and more for being a pile of arse.

How's that for a shadow? Not the best shot in the series, but if you

look carefully, you can see one of the soundmen doing a shadow puppet

of a crocodile eating a sausage.

So not a complete disaster.

-No, but can you?

-Two Pints Of Lager.

Here's Gaz and Donna on their way to visit Donna's mum,

but they're not the only visitors.

Keep your eye on the bay window.

Peepo! That's either a cameraman or Will Mellor's stalker.

SHE LAUGHS

Don't laugh. They don't always follow celebrities.

..party, not a shareholders' meeting.

I love Arrested Development.

Although, admittedly, this isn't the best bit.

Watch Jeffrey Tambor's fetching shades.

Because, you know what sunglasses do? They reflect.

I knew it was against the law!

Ooh! There's the entire Arrested Development crew!

Hi guys, great show, bad shot!

We're just getting a breath of fresh air.

Now, who wants to see

what the third assistant director on Skins looks like?

Ready? There he is!

Bless! There's his little face reflected in the taxi window.

Bet he got into trouble for that one.

Don't worry, though, he's still working in the TV industry,

putting up satellite dishes in the Solihull area.

Now, who wants to see what the rest of the Skins crew looks like?

There they are, merrily dollying along the pavement,

reflected in the bay windows.

Didn't even wave!

Vicky Pollard is thrown out of a shop,

and oh, there's the reflection of the camera crew.

Standing around, wondering what's about to happen next.

Is it that? Yes, it was that.

More crew caught out by cars in 24.

Cooee, Mr Cameraman.

Whose stupid idea was it to polish that vehicle?

Don't worry, Jack Bauer's got 24 hours to find them.

And some more consonants for his surname.

Is that you?

Here's a heart-rending scene

from Dr Who, as Micky has an emotional reunion with his grandma.

And the boom mic operator, reflected in Granny's sunglasses.

A lovely moment.

This is a cracker. The housewives are desperate,

but when it comes to reflections,

the crew are just plain stupid. OK, fair play.

This shot's all right, no reflections in the car window there.

But just look what happens when Susan pulls away.

Ooh! That is one dirty great camera, and one dirty great cameraman.

Time for a Twinkie!

Back on Wisteria Lane, Gaby's Maserati is about to be repossessed,

but oh, dear, whenever I see a shiny object on a TV show, I always fear the worst.

And here's why.

Where there's a boom pole, there's a sound man.

Eva Longoria has been in 128 episodes of Desperate Housewives. And the crew have been in about 12!

You call this a paint job?

Only Fools, and here's Del Boy with Mike and Boycie and Trigger

and the shadow of an enormous camera.

Altogether now - "You plonker!"

When TV crews aren't wandering in, or crawling through, or squatting down in the back of shot,

ruining the hard work of so many others, they're forgetting to clear away their filthy bits of gear.

And I'm not just talking about flasks of tea or copies of Warhammer magazine.

I'd like to say that these next clips were memorable for their excellent dialogue or performances,

but instead, I'm forced to report that they were all but destroyed

by the unwanted presence of poorly-positioned TV kit.

Lights, cameras, are just two of the items you'll see. Here's the clips.

Years ago, trucker named Bubba.

Ah, Dawson's Creek. Look, there's tiny Katie Holmes-y,

back when she was only trapped in a TV soap

and not in a marriage to Tom Cruise.

Wait a second! That's either Katie's radio mic

or the box by which Tom Cruise controls her every movement.

No, she hadn't met Tom back then.

She does have one now, though.

Another clip from Pride And Prejudice,

starring dishy Colin Firth,

and a scene oozing with sexual tension. Hardly surprising.

Look at that dancing! That is hot.

But hang on a minute, what's that?

An electric light in the early 19th century?

Oh, I hate anachronistic errors!

I daren't think what Jane Austen's going to make of that when she sees it.

She's the real deal.

Joey told you about the leg?

Now, as we know, sound men often

use a boom pole to record sound so the microphone won't get into shot.

Except sometimes when a sound man has had a very busy morning on set

or an even busier lunch down the pub, the boom does drop into shot.

D'oh! There it is, did you see it?

Oh, wake up you sandal-wearing lush!

Another clip from Friends and proof that firing the boom operator

isn't the answer because in all likelihood,

the next one will be just as bad.

D'oh, hello!

Of course.

Here's a scary scene from Supernatural.

Two men reading a book?

Ooh, someone could get a paper cut or an overdue library fine.

Hey, there's something behind that lampshade. It's a television camera.

Oh, it doesn't get any more exciting than this.

Oh, it does.

Stir up a hornets' nest.

The Wire. A flawless show in every respect. Well, mostly.

Look, the cameraman moves back too far and, bang,

that enormous TV light has just been seen by millions of viewers.

Well, at least the ones that sit three inches from the screen

staring at the extreme right of frame instead of at the action, like me.

GUNFIRE

He's in here.

Two Pints Of Lager, and Donna has dragged Gaz to meet her family.

And this boom mic.

Hello, there you go, short and sweet, a bit like me.

Apart from the short bit, obviously.

He works away a lot.

She tastes of lard.

More pints of light comedy lager,

and stand by for another brief cameo from the boom mic,

instantly upstaging Ralf Little, and the other one,

by being twice as funny.

Peepo! Peep! Peep!

Thanks, Mr Boom Mic Operator.

We owe you a drink.

No, I just kissed her.

You have absolutely no sense of humour, do you?

Fawlty Towers, a truly great sitcom

that wasn't afraid to break the rules.

Like the one about not leaving monitor screens lying around in the back of shot.

There it is. You can even make out the very same shot of Basil running

into the kitchen on the screen, and if you look at the monitor on the monitor, you can even ...

Actually I'll stop there before or I go mad and start insulting some Germans.

It's the live EastEnders, and as Bradley lies dying,

everyone crowds into the Square. Even the boom mic.

Hell, take my daughter for example.

The wonderful Arrested Development, and it's time to be

perfectly honest, of all the "boom mic in shot" shots I've seen, this has to be in my favourite 50.

A glorious Sunday afternoon. She won't tell me.

Wotcha! I think you'll agree that was worth waiting for.

What play?

Editing is, of course, the simplest of all the jobs

that people do in television that nobody really cares about.

All an editor has to do is sit in a room with a producer or director

and cut out of the stuff that didn't work and stick together all the stuff that did.

But as we've already seen, mistakes get made, especially in a busy edit suite where teas

and coffees have to be ordered and lunch menus read from cover to cover.

Yes, between them, producers, directors and editors can make some

pretty surprising decisions when it comes to selecting which shots to use and which to throw away.

Take, for example, the decision to re-shoot all of my links here today

instead of using the ones I recorded myself yesterday in the shower. Ridiculous.

Here's a clip from American series Bones, and the perennial question,

how do you pass the time on a long trip through the desert?

I know. How about looking at the back projection and trying to spot

when the cyclorama suddenly changes from flat scrub to mountainscape in a split second. Are we there yet?

There we are. Your turn.

And...cut.

Great work, everybody. Who wants to play I-spy?

I spy with my little eye something beginning with C.

It's Crap FX, isn't it?

Its Skins, and lovely Tony

is about to tuck into a delicious tuna sandwich.

Mmm, I love sandwiches. Conversely, most directors hate them.

They're a continuity nightmare.

And we're off. Bite one to the left.

Which is now two bites big.

That'd really put a dampener on your day.

And whole again. First bite again to the left.

Look what you're doing to your mate.

He doesn't know what day it is.

-But now multiple bites to left and right.

-Have some tuna sandwich.

-It'll make you feel better.

-Are you sure? I'm feeling a bit dizzy.

No, no, no, leave it.

Leave it. He's at it as well.

Tony is back to a one-bite sandwich. Two bites.

Bites right and left.

No, two bites to the left.

-Hi, Tony.

-Oh, beat it, kids, I'm trying to concentrate.

Multiple bites again right and left.

Oh, I've changed my mind, I hate tuna sandwiches.

So the chair's a write-off?

Miranda and Carrie are in the city taking a break from all that sex

to enjoy a nice sit-down and... Oh, dear, cupcakes.

Carrie's cupcake continuity is immaculate, but in a moment,

Miranda's muffin goes from well-eaten to cake-o intacta.

Actually, that wasn't too bad.

Tony from Skins, pay attention.

You got a whacking lot of doughnuts.

Yes, food is a continuity nightmare, especially on Skins.

Look, Pandora dives into this bag of doughnuts and grabs one with yellow icing.

Takes a couple of bites, one, two.

Now it's half-gone.

Suddenly, it's all gone.

Takes a pink one.

Which is now yellow.

And back to pink with two bites out of it.

Then just one bite.

And now it's gone.

Hello.

And back again!

-That's doughnut madness.

-Effie. So glad to meet you.

In telly, one of the jobs of the director, besides shouting

and drinking coffee, is blocking,

which means telling the cameras and actors where to stand,

though not always in the right place.

Look, as Jenna goes to wake Gan, who's that loitering in the background?

It's either an alien or Vila, arms folded, looking bored.

Gan, come on, wake up.

-What's wrong, Jenna?

-And cue Vila.

-Something's happened to them.

-Where is he?

If the future turns out to be anything like Blake's 7,

-I'm going to be so disappointed.

-What are you up to now?

Go on, my son, go on, go on!

Classic comedy from Only Fools And Horses, with some less-than-classic

"standing around waiting for a cue" work from actor Lennard Pearce.

Here it comes. Wait for it, Lennard.

Oh, Lennard!

I blame the director. It's not really Granddad's fault.

He's so old. He's probably just stuck to the lino.

It's Friends in Vegas.

Here comes Chandler. He sees Monica having fun with another fellow,

and all melancholy, he turns to leave.

And leave again. You might think they just used the same shot twice, and you'd be right.

You will not be better until they've...

In this clip from the first series of Red Dwarf, Craig Charles

is enjoying Craig Ferguson's lines and big acting so much, he joins in.

I don't know, is it some place near Uruguay?

Oh, you missed it, didn't you?

Try again and keep your eyes on little Craig.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"I don't know, is it some place near Uruguay?"

Lovely bit of close-harmony acting.

Just let her go.

-Go ahead, shoot.

-Agent Mulder is in a stand-off with a villain.

He's probably an alien in disguise, they usually are.

Like all good FBI agents, though, he's got his earpiece in so that

he can listen to Chris Moyles and fight the alien hordes.

Which is harder? You decide.

This scene is crying out for a close-up of Mulder wrestling with his conscience

and finally shooting the baddie.

Unfortunately, they didn't get one, so they had to film it later

when he wasn't wearing an earpiece.

Embarrassed in front of millions.

Sorry, Dave.

Mulder and Scully are pursuing a suspect.

Either that, or another dissatisfied guest is leaving the FBI hotel

via this half-open window.

Oh, it's fallen on him.

No, it hasn't.

-Get your hands up!

-Yeah, he will if you sort that window out.

Max?

It's Mulder again,

and he's spotted something odd about this enormous tree trunk.

Wait a minute, I think I know what it is.

One minute, it's big with no green and no hand, but in close-up,

it's suddenly much smaller and gained a pointy hand and some green.

-I've never seen a ring like that before.

-Me neither. Rubbish, wasn't it?

Here's the lovely Jennifer Ehle

in Pride And Prejudice, playing the piano.

Except she isn't, because when we see inside,

none of the hammers are moving.

Although, she's definitely got my hammers moving,

if you know what I mean.

Actually, I'm not sure if even I know what that means.

This party's rocking. That's not tea they're sipping, it's rum.

Mmm... All off their 19th-century faces.

The editor certainly had a few.

Look what happens when he cuts to a wide shot.

..can't express what we feel about your kindness to our dear Lydia.

Suddenly, these two blokes are talking to each other and not listening to Alison Steadman,

who's now chatting to someone sitting beside her, who isn't even there.

Not so much Pride And Prejudice as Pride And Pretty Poor Wide Shot!

-HE GUFFAWS

-Oh, dear!

And let us toast also Dr Soong.

Star Trek NG, and Good Data and Bad Data are drinking champagne.

A perfect match for my mind.

-My body.

-Good Data has been poisoned by Bad Data.

Good Data topples backwards and somehow lands on his face.

It's almost as if they had to redo it because the way he fell the first time was rubbish.

They're good, these androids. I'm getting one.

He had it shipped over from Scotland.

Ever wondered what Superman's teenage years were like?

Me neither, but that didn't stop them making Smallville.

In between popping zits and shouting at his parents, Clark has found time to visit young Lex Luthor.

Nice house.

Shame you can see those two pieces of white tape on the parquet floor,

put there by the crew to let Lex know where to stand.

That's what we in TV call a mark.

-And a mistake.

-What's the matter?

-You don't like it?

-No, it very bad.

The Black Adder, AKA Rowan Atkinson.

Funny comedian, fine actor, always hits his mark.

Mainly because it's clearly visible right there under his shoe.

Three days after my funeral,

Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion.

In this clip from Desperate Housewives, Lynette is at the mall

with those three naughty sons of hers and the baby, in pink, in the trolley.

I can only imagine.

Uh-oh, two of the boys have done a runner.

But one bad pick-up shot later, and it looks like all four have scarpered.

At least she's still got her pink blanket.

Whichever way you look at it, that is borderline careless.

-Lynette Scavo?

-Crap.

Classic Tom Baker-era Dr Who and,

as one of the mummies from the Pyramids of Mars attacks Sarah Jane,

he smashes this important device,

known as a Marconiscope, to smithereens.

Except in the very next shot, he hasn't.

If you want to find out what a Marconiscope is,

just go to any Dr Who fan site. They'll know.

Just don't ask them what day it is.

With live TV, you just have to go with it.

In this climactic scene in the live 'StEnders episode,

see if you can spot the moment when the cameraman trips.

Oh!

Dr George, played by TR Knight, is badly let down by the editing

of this scene from Grey's Anatomy,

as we see him remove his surgical topcoat not once but twice.

A sloppy choice of shots in the edit and a great actor's career lies in ruins.

# Here's what she said... #

Great, it's The Simpsons,

and here is Ned Flanders on top of a hill, singing.

And here comes everyone else.

That's funny. Wait a minute, so is that.

Apu's skin is yellow, which in The Simpsons, means white,

but he's Asian, and usually brown, which in The Simpsons means brown.

Which he was, but he isn't any more.

Who does he think he is, Michael Jackson?

Sorry, shouldn't joke, he's dead. Jacko, I mean, not Apu.

That would have been horrible.

# Que sera, se... #

Run!

DOOR OPENS Clark!

Martha from Smallville has sustained a nasty cut.

There it is, just above her right eye.

And here it is on her left eye.

And back to the right.

Yep, the director had "crossed the line", telly speak for "cocking up the camera position".

Then he tried to fix it in the edit by flipping the shot.

You might be able to get gaffes like that past Superman, but not us.

Here is a sequence to make the Avatar team blush and then pat

the Dr Who effects department on the head and say, "Oh, bless."

When this spaceship crashes into the tower of Big Ben, suddenly, the numerals on her back-to-front.

Because someone made a boob in the CGI and had to

flip the shot to make it look like the spaceship enters from the right.

The technique of flipping can also be used on your own TV remote every time Simon Cowell comes on.

The king will therefore be requiring a new mistress.

Dr Tennant again, in this clip,

leaning on a balustrade in 18th-century France,

spying on Madame Pompadour.

She senses his presence, turns, but sees nothing.

Not even his hand touching the wall.

Because he isn't. But, in the next shot, he clearly still is.

Maybe he's developed the power of invisibility.

She's in for a surprise at bedtime.

..on my brand-new camera.

A less-than-thrilling clip from Dr Who,

and Mark Warren is being filmed by a mate on his camcorder.

The producers of the show are making sure we understand we're looking

through a camcorder or by putting these frame lines on the screen.

But spin on through the tedium, and the little lines have gone.

Have dark forces tampered with the fabric of time and space?

-I still don't know.

-Well, I do.

No, the editor got distracted by his Facebook page and forgot to put them on.

And finally, if it's bad shot choices you're after,

and who isn't, then check this. Here's Buffy,

undertaking a vampires slayer's least onerous of tasks,

picking up and putting down a pair of glasses.

See if you can spot the gaffe.

Yep.

Wearing two pink rings on her fingers,

she places the specs on the table, unfolded, with both hands.

But in the close-up, the glasses have been folded,

and are now put down by a single hand wearing a silver ring

on a completely different table.

That, with the best will in the world, was really shit.

Well, there it is, TV's Greatest Mistakes.

I'd just like to say thanks to all the people involved tonight

for being so very sloppy in your chosen career.

It's a good job it's just telly and nothing of any importance

because if this had been a paper round or a Saturday job in a burger bar, you'd have been fired.

Bye-bye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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