Daniel Glyn a Rhodri Rhys Gwerthu Allan

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-"Daniel Who?"

-Hello, everyone.

-I'm Daniel Glyn and I'm famous.

-Sorry, I'll try again. I'm Daniel

-Glyn and I'm a famous Welsh speaker.

-No, it's rubbish.

-Do you know what being a famous

-Welsh speaker means? Three things.

-One, I'm skint.

-Two, no-one knows who I am.

-Three, the people who do

-think I'm a bell-end.

-That's completely true.

-Being a famous Welsh speaker

-on Welsh TV...

-..means you have less chance

-of being allowed into a nightclub.

-Completely true.

-I tried to get into Clwb Ifor Bach.

-"Yeah, fine, yeah, fine, not you."

-"Don't you know who I am?"

-"I know exactly who you are -

-piss off, bell-end!"

-I'd have to deny the fact

-that I was on TV.

-"You're the bell-end off TV."

-"No, it's not me - honest."

-"I've definitely seen you on TV."

-"On Crimewatch!"

-"Reconstruction?

-You're still an actor."

-"No, CCTV - I did it.

-"I'm an arsonist."

-He said, "Oh, yeah, come in.

-"No smoking, OK?"

-The Dechrau Canu presenters

-had to deny who they were too.

-Every time they did it, they'd

-hear a cock crowing three times.

-Here's how rubbish

-being a famous Welsh speaker is.

-Remember the Cwpwrdd Dillad series?

-Cwpwrdd Dillad!

-On Cwpwrdd Dillad,

-they'd look through your wardrobe...

-..and delve through

-your cool clothes.

-They recorded 15 series of Cwpwrdd

-Dillad - three celebs each week.

-They never phoned me up.

-Apart from the final series.

-"Hello, we're filming

-the final series of Cwpwrdd Dillad."

-"God, you must be desperate."

-"Yes, do you have

-Meic Stevens' number?"

-I was gutted.

-I want to be famous like

-those people off MTV's The Valleys.

-They're off their heads.

-They film MTV's The Valleys

-down here in Cardiff.

-On the way over here, I stopped

-and peered through the letterbox.

-All I could see were

-Jaeger bombs, spunk and mascara.

-Although I don't think

-that's their real names.

-They're nicknames.

-They're nuts but not as nuts

-as Caroline Street in Cardiff.

-I don't want to sound villagist

-but everyone knows about Chip Alley.

-At the end of an international

-match day, you buy your chips there.

-Grease everywhere. I had a spot

-of bother there a few years ago.

-There was a crew there

-who wanted to smash my head in.

-You know how girls are

-when they're pissed.

-I was rather scared

-wondering how I'd escape.

-Thank goodness, a car drove past.

-I grabbed the bumper and slid down

-Caroline Street on the chip fat.

-A mad mob were chasing me

-so I lit a match and whoosh.

-They've tried to make

-Caroline Street posh.

-There's a Thai restaurant

-on Caroline Street.

-Thai food on Caroline Street.

-No, 'tai cyngor' (council house)

-food on Caroline Street.

-That's what's meant to happen.

-As I said,

-I'm a famous Welsh speaker.

-I used to be a children's TV

-presenter. That messed me up.

-It affected my sex life

-to be honest.

-There was a phone-in

-computer competition.

-People would steer a little

-character up, down, left and right.

-It affected my sex life.

-I'd be having sex... "Up, up,

-right, right, left, left, shoot!"

-It just messed me up completely.

-I had to stop.

-I think being a famous Welsh speaker

-pushed me over the edge.

-I had alcohol and drug problems.

-I'm not the first Children's

-TV presenter to have this problem.

-Syr Wynff and Plwmsan were arrested

-for skinning up marijuana.

-They used to use Rizlas,

-large and small!

-Yes, I realized I had a problem

-with alcohol and drugs.

-In Cardiff, there's a Welsh-language

-Alcoholics Anonymous.

-Alcoholics Anonymous in Welsh.

-The least anonymous thing

-in the world.

-You walk in. "Hey, hiya!

-"How's it going?

-"Well, well, you look so sober

-on Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol.

-"Well, well."

-I tried Narcotics Anonymous

-because I smoked weed all day long.

-I was in such a state,

-I weed myself.

-It was odd. I felt embarrassed

-because I only smoked weed.

-People there had far more

-serious problems.

-"No, you don't understand.

-Marijuana is an opiate.

-"It's like heroin

-but heroin's effects last longer."

-It got me thinking - heroin

-sounded like a far better drug!

-Ooh!

-No, no, no, it's not funny actually.

-People there had serious problems.

-One person had injected

-so much heroin...

-..they had no visible veins

-left on their body.

-I asked, "Do you inject it

-into your cock now?"

-She wasn't impressed with that.

-I had to clean up my act.

-Cleaning up also meant

-I improved my hygiene.

-My jokes aren't

-the only cheesy things.

-When my missus called me Dairylea

-Dan, I had to sort myself out.

-They tried a Welsh-language

-Childline in Cardiff. That failed.

-A kid would phone up,

-"My father hits me."

-"What's your name?" "Noa Glyn."

-"I know your father well.

-Hell of a good lad.

-"I've heard all about you.

-You deserve everything you get."

-So, yeah. My drinking problem

-started when I went to Bangor.

-Here in Cardiff, we use the word

-'lush' to describe something nice.

-A girl's lush, food's lush.

-It means something different

-in Bangor.

-On my first day in Bangor,

-I went to the Globe pub...

-..and Sion Specs, a lifelong drunk,

-was sat in the corner.

-A girl said,

-"That's Sion Specs, he's a lush.

-I thought, "You have low standards

-here. Good God."

-I became friends with Sion Specs

-but I think I made him worse.

-He came out of the toilet once

-having vomited blood over himself.

-"Dan, Dan, I have a problem."

-"What's wrong?"

-"I'm a lush."

-I said, "You're not, you know.

-"To be honest,

-you're a bit of a minger."

-"No, I'm a lush.

-I've been a lush since I was 15."

-"Don't be so arrogant,

-you're not a lush.

-"Let me buy you a drink,

-everything will be OK."

-I spent three years with Sion Specs.

-After three years, I was a lush too.

-His name was Sion Specs. His name

-was Sion and he wore Specs.

-That's how we roll in Wales.

-We had a college reunion

-where I caught up with Elwyn.

-Elwyn's a headmaster now.

-I told him he'd done really well.

-"Yes, my wild college days, everyone

-called me names. That's behind me."

-Another mate went past and shouted,

-"Elwyn Twat - wahey!

-"Elwyn Twat!"

-He phones me up sometimes.

-"Hiya, Elwyn here." "Which Elwyn?"

-"Elwyn Jones." "I know more than

-one Elwyn Jones. Be more specific."

-"Elwyn Twat!"

-Elwyn Twat.

-I was in college

-with a lot of evangelists.

-Evangelists are the bravest people

-in the world.

-They have their own tent

-in the Eisteddfod.

-It's next to Maes B -

-the most unevangelical place there.

-Jesus spent 40 days and 40 nights

-in the wilderness.

-Do you know what the evangelists

-call that? Club 18-30.

-Jesus wouldn't last one shift

-in the evangelists' tent.

-They put up with loads of abuse,

-over and over.

-People ask for a Pot Noodle, burger,

-five loaves and two fish, please!

-I bet they add some Holy Spirit

-into the Pot Noodle. I bet they do.

-They come, all ye faithful!

-Most definitely.

-I wanted to clean up my act.

-I wanted to recover.

-Anyone here thinking

-of having children?

-If you are, listen to this sound.

-Wargh!

-That's not the babies - that's you.

-"Can we go out?" "We can't,

-we have a baby." "Wargh!"

-"Let's go and travel for a whole

-month." "We have a baby." "Wargh!"

-I was present

-at my children's births.

-It was a rather strange experience.

-I felt I was in the way.

-Like being in a game of Twister for

-six people and I was the seventh.

-I didn't know where to go.

-To encourage men

-to be there at the birth...

-..it looks boring but they provide

-drugs - gas and air.

-How many men have tried gas and air?

-Good shit, man.

-Gas and air. It's very strong.

-It sounds so innocuous. Gas and air.

-It's like calling heroin

-needlecraft and foil.

-Gas and air is nitrous oxide.

-Another name for gas and air

-and nitrous oxide - laughing gas.

-A dangerous thing to give me

-in that situation.

-Ha, ha, ha, ha!

-Women complain that men don't

-know how painful childbirth is.

-You always give us the same example.

-Imagine having to shit out

-a watermelon. So I tried it.

-It does hurt but not as much as

-stuffing it up in the first place.

-That hurts!

-Women are so brave,

-lying there with your legs open...

-..complaining that you want to get

-it all over and done with.

-Nine months later, you have a baby!

-It's incredible, incredible.

-I was on laughing gas

-before I was kicked out.

-I went down to the hospital radio

-after my wife'd had an epidural.

-I asked them to play Catatonia's

-Dead From the Waist Down.

-That didn't go down well.

-I have a three-year-old son.

-I took photos of him

-and texted them to his grandmother.

-Nice to have someone in the house

-with a smaller willy than mine.

-Took a photo

-and texted it to his gran.

-And one of his willy. She loved it.

-His willy's smaller than mine.

-Everything will change

-when he's 5... cms.

-Everything will change.

-I've been teaching my son

-to wee standing up.

-I've become lazy

-and started weeing sitting down.

-Ironically,

-I poo when I'm standing up.

-It balances itself out.

-I was showing him

-how to wee standing up.

-"You have to stand up when you wee."

-He's young. He's not 45

-with prostate problems.

-His goes straight down while

-mine is more of a sprinkler system.

-My missus comes in and says,

-"What's all this mess?"

-"Noa doesn't know what he's doing."

-"How come his hair is wet?"

-She can't work it out.

-Can't work it out.

-It's a pleasure getting this

-off my chest.

-Anyone know the last time

-I performed here?

-I have no idea.

-But I'll remember tonight.

-Thanks for listening. Goodnight.

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-"Not Fitting In"

-Evenin'.

-It's a pleasure doing gigs

-in the Welsh language.

-I've been gigging in England.

-I come on and say,

-"Hi, I'm Rhodri Rhys. I'm Welsh."

-They all go, "Meh!

-"Meh!"

-When was the last time

-you had a girlfriend...

-..you could shag on Saturday,

-eat on Sunday and wear on Monday?

-You think that's a good idea.

-It's a pleasure to be here.

-I'm Rhodri Rhys from London.

-I moved to London when I was seven.

-With Mam and Dad, of course.

-I didn't want to starve.

-I've never fitted-in in London.

-I moved there when I was seven

-and I never fitted-in.

-I landed in London -

-"Hello, I'm Rhodri, who are you?

-"Are you alright, are you good?"

-They looked at me -

-"Bleedin' hell, it's a Taff.

-"It's a bleedin' Taff.

-"It's a bleedin' Taff."

-I had to change.

-After a week, I was a Cockney.

-One week and five fights.

-I spoke like them.

-"Awight, Gary.

-"You gonna the footie?

-I'll bring Shirley, she's a goer."

-Then I went to Bristol University.

-I didn't fit in.

-Bristol's posh.

-I turned up as a Cockney.

-"Awight, awight?

-Oright! Yeah, luvly.

-"Luvly."

-They looked at me -

-"Good Lord. What the hell is that?"

-After one week and five fights...

-..I sounded like them.

-"Hi, Toby, how are you?

-"Are you going to the rugger?

-"I'll bring Charlotte -

-she's lovely."

-Now I live in London

-with my wife and three girls.

-They speak London English.

-I greet them in the morning

-speaking Welsh.

-"Good morning, how are you all?"

-"Oh, my days,

-he's speaking some crazy lingah!

-"He is some crusty mo-fo."

-After five fights...

-I speak English.

-I never fit in.

-I didn't fit in

-when I went on holidays as a child.

-All my London friends

-used to go away.

-"My father's got a villa for August.

-Going to a villa in Provence.

-"Where are you going?"

-"Tregaron."

-It was always great in Tregaron

-but every time I went, it rained.

-People'd say, "You should have been

-here last week. It was lovely.

-"Tregaron looked like Florence.

-"The bridge over the Brenig

-was like Ponte Vecchio.

-"The square was like a piazza.

-"Henry Richard looked like David.

-"Fully dressed of course."

-I enjoyed my holiday.

-I loved watching English tourists

-pony trekking.

-Full of enthusiasm and confidence.

-On the horses - "Oh, we're going

-up the Cambrian Mountains.

-"We're going to go off piste.

-"We'll be galloping."

-The horse replies,

-"No, you bloody won't.

-"I'm going up the mountain

-and I'm coming down the mountain.

-"I'm not going anywhere else."

-Off they went - "Let's go

-over there, let's go over there."

-"Bugger off. I'm going up or down.

-"If you want to go

-to Strata Florida, walk!

-When they came back on rainy days...

-..it was like the retreat

-from the Somme.

-I live with my wife

-and three daughters.

-I don't fit in there.

-My wife is cleverer than me.

-My father gave me some advice.

-"When you get married, make sure

-she's cleverer than you...

-"..she has longer legs than you,

-more money than you...

-"..and a better job than you."

-I remember bonding with my father -

-"Thanks for that advice."

-He spoilt it by saying - "For you,

-that leaves plenty of choice."

-Thanks!

-I'm not in my wife's good books

-right now.

-I smacked her.

-Oh, yeah.

-She was asking for it.

-It was an accident.

-She was asking for it.

-She'd asked for it because

-she's a black-belt kickboxer...

-..and a black-belt in kung fu.

-She went to a tojo

-for a week and then came home.

-"My teacher has told me

-to ask you to hit me.

-"I'm so good at this, I'm going

-to stop you. Try and hit me."

-"I'm going to hit you?" "Yes,

-but watch out, I'm a black-belt."

-"I'm going to hit you?"

-"Yes, any time."

-So I did.

-She flew.

-She said she wasn't ready.

-She was drinking coffee

-with her mother.

-There was a lot

-of collateral damage.

-She was in a competition a month ago

-and she got kicked in the nose.

-Do you know what happens

-when you're kicked in the nose?

-Your nose breaks. What else?

-You've had it a few times

-by the looks of you.

-You get a black eye.

-She came home from the competition

-and went straight to bed.

-I woke up in the morning...

-..turned to look at her

-and she looked like a panda.

-No sex, eating bamboo.

-She wasn't eating bamboo.

-Where do you find bamboo?

-She had two black eyes.

-So I thought,

-"I'll have some fun here."

-For the first time ever, I walked to

-school with my wife and daughters.

-I was on the yard. The teachers

-looked at her and looked at me.

-The parents looked at me

-and looked at her.

-I said, "She doesn't listen."

-That is true!

-As I said, I have three daughters.

-Anyone else have daughters?

-I know you have - you're my sister!

-Everyone else, "No, nothing here.

-Move on, move on."

-There's you and my sister.

-I have three daughters,

-three daughters, three daughters.

-I'm not looking forward

-to the teenage years.

-My eldest, she's eight - "Daddy,

-I love you, I love you, I love you."

-I said,

-"You won't love me when you're 16.

-"You'll hate me."

-"No, I'll always love you.

-I'll always love you."

-So I bet her...

-I bet her 100.

-It'll be a laugh when she's 16

-shouting, "I hate you, I hate you."

-"Yeah, but you owe me 100."

-It's been a pleasure talking to you.

-I'm Rhodri Rhys. Cheerio.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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