Dan Thomas a Phil Evans Gwerthu Allan

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-"naughty things"

-Everyone OK?

-Hello, hello, hello.

-I'm Dan, I come from Swansea.

-Boo!

-Boo? Have you all been to Swansea?

-If you haven't been,

-I'd describe it like this.

-The Ann Summers shop

-has a children's department.

-I didn't vote for it.

-I went in and thought,

-"They start them young here."

-Swansea's children's library

-has a copy of 50 Shades of Grey.

-It's a pop-up!

-It can come as quite a shock.

-"What's in here? Oh, my God!"

-I've seen a sign in the window

-of a Swansea tattoo parlour...

-..that reads,

-"Have your children's party here."

-"What did you have

-on your birthday?"

-"An anchor

-with SpongeBob SquarePants on it.

-"And hepatitis."

-It's nice to be here.

-Can you tell I have a hangover?

-You're close enough to see.

-Yeah, fine,

-I thought I was being professional.

-I went out drinking

-and ended up in a house party...

-..with this face.

-This face. I thought,

-"I know what I'm going to do.

-"I'm going to make new friends."

-I went up to strangers saying, "You,

-tell me something about yourself."

-One boy said, "Let me see. I've

-been sky diving for three weeks."

-"How far up were you?" I replied.

-What else can I say about myself?

-I'm married.

-Anyone else married?

-Who's single?

-And no-one's happy.

-Some are married, some are single.

-The rest of you - doggers?

-Divorced?

-Alright, calm down, this isn't

-Jeremy Kyle. What's the problem?

-Being married is nice.

-No! OK, fine.

-I've been married for a few years.

-It has its merits.

-You'll be with your loved one

-for the rest of your life.

-No? OK.

-You're in shock. "Rest of your life?

-I didn't read the small print.

-"No, that's permanent.

-"Flippin' heck."

-There is also a downside

-to getting married - kids.

-Not having children - that's fine.

-Those of you who are married,

-when you got married...

-..your family would say...

-.."Can we expect

-the pitter patter of tiny feet?"

-"No."

-"I think we can."

-This was my Aunt Sarah.

-I'd just got back from honeymoon.

-"I think we'll soon hear

-the pitter patter of tiny feet."

-Ironically, we heard she'd been

-burgled by a midget.

-It was the sound of scampering.

-What else can I say about myself?

-I don't like technology.

-It's something I get

-from my mother - it's genetic.

-When my mother receives

-a text message, she deletes it...

-..in case it weighs the phone down.

-The living room is about

-half the size of this room.

-She sits in one corner

-with cataracts.

-In the opposite corner,

-she has a 12-inch black and white.

-I said,

-"Mam, have our old TV - 37 inch."

-She said she didn't want a large TV

-- it'd be too noisy.

-I don't like technology.

-Mobile phones, I hate them.

-It's not the technology.

-Do you know when you have

-a phone call...

-..and the caller hangs up

-before you get to your phone?

-You think, "I'll call them straight

-back," but they don't answer.

-Where did they go?

-Where could they have gone?

-"Dan's not picking up.

-OK, I don't need this then."

-Dan!

-I like bits and bobs

-about technology.

-I like computer games.

-Any computer games fans in?

-Hooray.

-It's still geeky, isn't it?

-It's still geeky.

-I had some bother

-a couple of weeks ago.

-Tad-cu came to stay -

-he's a WWII veteran.

-He arrived

-when I was playing Medal Of Honour.

-If you're not familiar with it,

-it's a WWII simulator.

-He came in and said,

-"What's this then?"

-I thought, "Oh, shit."

-"Well, you know that thing

-you did in the 1940s?

-"I'm doing it again for a laugh."

-He was watching me playing.

-It's a game. You're being shot

-in the face about 100 times.

-He watched and said,

-"It wasn't like this in my day."

-"I know, it was the '40s,

-the graphics would have been shit."

-Some games I don't like.

-There's a game called Guitar Hero.

-It's rubbish. If you haven't

-played it, it's a guitar simulator.

-The guitar is this big.

-There's no strings,

-just a click and clack thing.

-If you're doing the chords,

-you press these colourful buttons.

-People play it like a real guitar.

-They're like, "Yeah."

-Click.

-Click, click, click.

-Tricky bit. Click. Click.

-Yeah.

-You're just doing windmills

-around the house.

-They genuinely think that

-when they've completed the game...

-..if they had a real guitar,

-they could play it.

-"No, you can't."

-That's like saying after completing

-Mario Bros, I'm a qualified plumber.

-If that were true,

-it would be amazing.

-"Where's the trouble? In the pipe?"

-"I can see the blockage. Turtles.

-"I jumped on their heads

-and they're dead.

-"If it happens again, just try that.

-"If they walk into you, you die.

-Careful."

-My friend is the World No.1 player

-of Gears Of War.

-Have you played that?

-Naturally, geek.

-He's the World No.1 player.

-It's a violent, shooty-killy game.

-He's No.1!

-In real life, haemophiliac.

-If he pricks his finger, he dies.

-On-line No.1 in the world.

-It's like the World No.1

-Pac-Man player having bulimia.

-"Are you OK in there?" "Yes,

-I'm fine. Do you have any mints?"

-One part of technology

-I really do like. That's my car.

-I do around 1,000 miles a week.

-I've only just learned how to drive.

-Parking - that's a massive pain.

-I had a gig in a pub

-around a month ago.

-There's no car park in the pub but

-there's one in the prison opposite.

-It was night-time

-so I decided to park in there.

-There was a sign in the car park...

-.."Warning, parking is for

-staff and visitors only."

-I thought, "Obviously.

-Only three groups of people

-use the prison.

-Staff, visitors and prisoners.

-You can't give them a car parking

-space. They won't learn.

-They'd just be livid

-looking out of their cell window.

-"Mate, you've blocked me in. You'd

-better be gone in 20 years' time."

-As I was saying, I'm not single now.

-I used to be.

-I wasn't good at being single.

-Men aren't good at pulling.

-Any chat-up lines that work?

-No.

-Ever. Women never use

-their chat-up lines on us.

-That would be great.

-It would be really easy.

-Girls, we're easy.

-If you see a boy you like

-in a club or a bar...

-..walk up to him and say,

-"Alright? I'm ready."

-That's it!

-"She's ready. Don't know who she is

-but she's taking me."

-I used to use chat-up lines

-but I was rubbish.

-I knew how they began...

-..but I'd never remember the end

-of the chat-up line.

-I was in a club

-and I saw a girl wearing glasses.

-I thought,

-"Glasses. We can talk about books."

-I went up to her and said, "Alright?

-"I like my girls

-to be like my books.

-"Thin...

-"..with a damaged spine."

-I didn't pull a lot of birds.

-I don't know what to say when I'm on

-the pull or going out with someone.

-I'd been going out with one girl

-for a few weeks.

-She said, "Dan,

-where have you been all my life?"

-I just said,

-"Oh, I was watching you."

-And also,

-you have to talk dirty now.

-You like dirty talk in the bedroom.

-No?

-Oh.

-What do you like - Geronimo!

-Is that enough?

-I was trying to talk dirty.

-I remember a girl going down on...

-Oh, S4C.

-..my winky.

-She looked up at me and said,

-"Oh, Dan, I like your cock."

-I was just, like... "Oh, cheers."

-"You need to touch up your roots."

-Just trying to help.

-I wasn't good at it.

-I went on a talk dirty course.

-It was like speed dating.

-There was a table. I was on

-one side, a girl was on the other.

-It was UCAS-approved.

-That's how I ended up

-in Swansea University.

-A woman came over and said...

-.."OK, Dan. Dan and Barbara.

-"Dan, start off by saying

-something dirty, something cheeky."

-"Right, cheeky, right.

-"What can I say? I want to put...

-Lot of options.

-"I want to put my knob...

-Classic.

-"..in your...

-Oh, again.

-Lots of holes.

-"I want to put my knob

-in your mouth."

-Nice.

-Barbara, answer that.

-"I don't put anything in my mouth...

-"..unless it's been in my pussy."

-Nice.

-"Dan, answer that."

-"Do you get thrown out

-of a lot of restaurants?"

-This has been great.

-I've been Dan Thomas. Goodnight.

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-"impersonal hygiene"

-Thank you for your welcome.

-This is lovely. How are you?

-I come from Ammanford.

-You don't know where that is.

-You're lucky.

-There are more people in Ammanford

-than teeth.

-If you're not going to laugh,

-piss off.

-You're spoiling it.

-It's nice to be here. I come

-from a large family - 12 children.

-Even my father has stretch marks.

-When I got here today,

-I had time to spare.

-The boys told me to go for a walk.

-I went to St Fagans.

-It's old-fashioned, isn't it?

-It was alright, but there were

-Northwalians everywhere.

-They were having a great time.

-They thought it was Techniquest.

-Cardiff's so expensive.

-I passed a dodgy van that sold

-chicken baguettes and I was hungry.

-I asked the man

-how he prepared his chickens.

-"We just tell them

-they're going to die."

-I had a spot of bother

-on the way here this morning.

-It wasn't my fault.

-The boys asked me yesterday

-if I fancied a quick pint.

-I thought, why not? We went down to

-the snooker club for a quick pint.

-To be honest,

-I drank it a little too quickly.

-I slowed down for the next ten.

-I was so drunk

-I can't remember how I went to bed.

-I woke up this morning

-feeling rough.

-The sun was shining through the

-window and my waterbed was leaking.

-Then I remembered -

-I don't have a waterbed.

-There was a rainbow over the bed.

-I was so rough.

-My mouth felt as if I'd slept

-with everyone in the Royal Welsh.

-But only the people this time.

-It's not the first time

-I've been to Cardiff for a job.

-A few years ago,

-my mother was on the change.

-She was nasty. She was

-on the change... Not quite yet.

-You know what I mean.

-She said,

-"Phil, go and find a decent job."

-I came to Cardiff to find a job

-and I found a decent job...

-..in a sperm bank.

-In Cardiff. Have you been?

-A sperm bank.

-250 a sample.

-250 a shot.

-I thought it would solve everything.

-I stopped to think.

-Over the years, about 2.5m

-has slipped through my hands.

-My shower curtain is worth 500,000.

-I was making money hand over fist.

-My wife would tell me

-I never spent money on her.

-I said,

-"Good girl, over the years...

-"..I've splashed out a fortune

-over you."

-And what did she do?

-She spat it back in my face.

-This morning, I was rough,

-I wasn't feeling right.

-I had such a bad stomach.

-I got up, got dressed

-and I ran to catch the bus.

-That's when things

-started going wrong.

-I stepped on the bus...

-..and I felt a movement.

-I thought,

-"I'll just let off a sly one."

-You know what I mean.

-You know?

-Some of you are doing it now.

-You're sitting next to her.

-What happened next

-was a bit of a surprise.

-I had a little bit more...

-It was more like a follow-through.

-I was ill, I wasn't well.

-All I know is, there was plenty of

-room for me on the bus this morning.

-The passengers moved to the back.

-They insisted I went to the top

-but it was only a single decker.

-When we reached Swansea...

-..I had to sort it out.

-I needed new trousers.

-I went to the man in the market...

-.."Levi's, denim, 34,

-keep the change."

-I ran out with the bag.

-Straight to the train station,

-I caught the train just in time.

-I had an hour to sort myself out

-before coming to see you.

-The best place to do that

-on the train is the toilet.

-I went past the buffet car.

-I cleared the aisle.

-I went in to the little cubicle

-on the train.

-It was disgusting.

-What kind of people

-travel on trains these days?

-It was so filthy in there,

-I had to piss in the sink.

-I had time to get cleaned up.

-The train was leaving Swansea.

-I took my shoes off.

-They were soaking.

-There was a strong smell

-in the train...

-..so I knew I was passing

-Port Talbot.

-I took my trousers off.

-I threw them out through the window.

-I watched them being blown

-on the wind.

-People in Port Talbot

-were fighting over them.

-I started using the Swarfega and the

-hand cleaner and all that nonsense.

-Then I was clean.

-I'd even taken off my boxer shorts.

-I threw them out in Bridgend.

-They got stuck

-on the train's windowsill.

-As if they knew where they were.

-I thought I was sorted.

-The train arrived in Cardiff

-station. I thought I was sorted.

-No trousers, no pants,

-but I was sorted.

-I grabbed the bag.

-You've been great.

-Thanks for laughing. Goodnight.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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