Dan Thomas a Phil Evans Gwerthu Allan


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Dan Thomas a Phil Evans

Dan Thomas a Phil Evans sy'n perfformio stand up yng Nghlwb Comedi Y Glee yng Nghaerdydd heno. Dan Thomas and Phil Evans perform stand up comedy in the Glee Club, Cardiff.


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-"naughty things"

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-Everyone OK?

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-Hello, hello, hello.

-I'm Dan, I come from Swansea.

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-Boo!

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-Boo? Have you all been to Swansea?

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-If you haven't been,

-I'd describe it like this.

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-The Ann Summers shop

-has a children's department.

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-I didn't vote for it.

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-I went in and thought,

-"They start them young here."

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-Swansea's children's library

-has a copy of 50 Shades of Grey.

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-It's a pop-up!

-It can come as quite a shock.

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-"What's in here? Oh, my God!"

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-I've seen a sign in the window

-of a Swansea tattoo parlour...

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-..that reads,

-"Have your children's party here."

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-"What did you have

-on your birthday?"

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-"An anchor

-with SpongeBob SquarePants on it.

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-"And hepatitis."

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-It's nice to be here.

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-Can you tell I have a hangover?

-You're close enough to see.

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-Yeah, fine,

-I thought I was being professional.

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-I went out drinking

-and ended up in a house party...

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-..with this face.

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-This face. I thought,

-"I know what I'm going to do.

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-"I'm going to make new friends."

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-I went up to strangers saying, "You,

-tell me something about yourself."

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-One boy said, "Let me see. I've

-been sky diving for three weeks."

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-"How far up were you?" I replied.

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-What else can I say about myself?

-I'm married.

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-Anyone else married?

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-Who's single?

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-And no-one's happy.

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-Some are married, some are single.

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-The rest of you - doggers?

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-Divorced?

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-Alright, calm down, this isn't

-Jeremy Kyle. What's the problem?

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-Being married is nice.

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-No! OK, fine.

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-I've been married for a few years.

-It has its merits.

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-You'll be with your loved one

-for the rest of your life.

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-No? OK.

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-You're in shock. "Rest of your life?

-I didn't read the small print.

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-"No, that's permanent.

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-"Flippin' heck."

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-There is also a downside

-to getting married - kids.

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-Not having children - that's fine.

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-Those of you who are married,

-when you got married...

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-..your family would say...

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-.."Can we expect

-the pitter patter of tiny feet?"

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-"No."

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-"I think we can."

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-This was my Aunt Sarah.

-I'd just got back from honeymoon.

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-"I think we'll soon hear

-the pitter patter of tiny feet."

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-Ironically, we heard she'd been

-burgled by a midget.

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-It was the sound of scampering.

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-What else can I say about myself?

-I don't like technology.

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-It's something I get

-from my mother - it's genetic.

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-When my mother receives

-a text message, she deletes it...

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-..in case it weighs the phone down.

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-The living room is about

-half the size of this room.

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-She sits in one corner

-with cataracts.

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-In the opposite corner,

-she has a 12-inch black and white.

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-I said,

-"Mam, have our old TV - 37 inch."

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-She said she didn't want a large TV

-- it'd be too noisy.

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-I don't like technology.

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-Mobile phones, I hate them.

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-It's not the technology.

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-Do you know when you have

-a phone call...

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-..and the caller hangs up

-before you get to your phone?

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-You think, "I'll call them straight

-back," but they don't answer.

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-Where did they go?

-Where could they have gone?

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-"Dan's not picking up.

-OK, I don't need this then."

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-Dan!

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-I like bits and bobs

-about technology.

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-I like computer games.

-Any computer games fans in?

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-Hooray.

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-It's still geeky, isn't it?

-It's still geeky.

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-I had some bother

-a couple of weeks ago.

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-Tad-cu came to stay -

-he's a WWII veteran.

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-He arrived

-when I was playing Medal Of Honour.

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-If you're not familiar with it,

-it's a WWII simulator.

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-He came in and said,

-"What's this then?"

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-I thought, "Oh, shit."

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-"Well, you know that thing

-you did in the 1940s?

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-"I'm doing it again for a laugh."

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-He was watching me playing.

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-It's a game. You're being shot

-in the face about 100 times.

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-He watched and said,

-"It wasn't like this in my day."

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-"I know, it was the '40s,

-the graphics would have been shit."

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-Some games I don't like.

-There's a game called Guitar Hero.

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-It's rubbish. If you haven't

-played it, it's a guitar simulator.

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-The guitar is this big.

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-There's no strings,

-just a click and clack thing.

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-If you're doing the chords,

-you press these colourful buttons.

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-People play it like a real guitar.

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-They're like, "Yeah."

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-Click.

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-Click, click, click.

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-Tricky bit. Click. Click.

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-Yeah.

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-You're just doing windmills

-around the house.

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-They genuinely think that

-when they've completed the game...

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-..if they had a real guitar,

-they could play it.

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-"No, you can't."

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-That's like saying after completing

-Mario Bros, I'm a qualified plumber.

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-If that were true,

-it would be amazing.

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-"Where's the trouble? In the pipe?"

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-"I can see the blockage. Turtles.

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-"I jumped on their heads

-and they're dead.

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-"If it happens again, just try that.

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-"If they walk into you, you die.

-Careful."

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-My friend is the World No.1 player

-of Gears Of War.

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-Have you played that?

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-Naturally, geek.

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-He's the World No.1 player.

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-It's a violent, shooty-killy game.

-He's No.1!

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-In real life, haemophiliac.

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-If he pricks his finger, he dies.

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-On-line No.1 in the world.

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-It's like the World No.1

-Pac-Man player having bulimia.

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-"Are you OK in there?" "Yes,

-I'm fine. Do you have any mints?"

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-One part of technology

-I really do like. That's my car.

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-I do around 1,000 miles a week.

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-I've only just learned how to drive.

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-Parking - that's a massive pain.

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-I had a gig in a pub

-around a month ago.

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-There's no car park in the pub but

-there's one in the prison opposite.

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-It was night-time

-so I decided to park in there.

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-There was a sign in the car park...

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-.."Warning, parking is for

-staff and visitors only."

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-I thought, "Obviously.

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-Only three groups of people

-use the prison.

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-Staff, visitors and prisoners.

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-You can't give them a car parking

-space. They won't learn.

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-They'd just be livid

-looking out of their cell window.

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-"Mate, you've blocked me in. You'd

-better be gone in 20 years' time."

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-As I was saying, I'm not single now.

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-I used to be.

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-I wasn't good at being single.

-Men aren't good at pulling.

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-Any chat-up lines that work?

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-No.

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-Ever. Women never use

-their chat-up lines on us.

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-That would be great.

-It would be really easy.

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-Girls, we're easy.

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-If you see a boy you like

-in a club or a bar...

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-..walk up to him and say,

-"Alright? I'm ready."

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-That's it!

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-"She's ready. Don't know who she is

-but she's taking me."

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-I used to use chat-up lines

-but I was rubbish.

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-I knew how they began...

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-..but I'd never remember the end

-of the chat-up line.

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-I was in a club

-and I saw a girl wearing glasses.

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-I thought,

-"Glasses. We can talk about books."

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-I went up to her and said, "Alright?

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-"I like my girls

-to be like my books.

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-"Thin...

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-"..with a damaged spine."

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-I didn't pull a lot of birds.

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-I don't know what to say when I'm on

-the pull or going out with someone.

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-I'd been going out with one girl

-for a few weeks.

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-She said, "Dan,

-where have you been all my life?"

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-I just said,

-"Oh, I was watching you."

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-And also,

-you have to talk dirty now.

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-You like dirty talk in the bedroom.

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-No?

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-Oh.

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-What do you like - Geronimo!

-Is that enough?

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-I was trying to talk dirty.

-I remember a girl going down on...

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-Oh, S4C.

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-..my winky.

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-She looked up at me and said,

-"Oh, Dan, I like your cock."

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-I was just, like... "Oh, cheers."

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-"You need to touch up your roots."

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-Just trying to help.

-I wasn't good at it.

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-I went on a talk dirty course.

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-It was like speed dating.

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-There was a table. I was on

-one side, a girl was on the other.

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-It was UCAS-approved.

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-That's how I ended up

-in Swansea University.

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-A woman came over and said...

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-.."OK, Dan. Dan and Barbara.

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-"Dan, start off by saying

-something dirty, something cheeky."

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-"Right, cheeky, right.

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-"What can I say? I want to put...

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-Lot of options.

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-"I want to put my knob...

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-Classic.

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-"..in your...

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-Oh, again.

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-Lots of holes.

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-"I want to put my knob

-in your mouth."

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-Nice.

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-Barbara, answer that.

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-"I don't put anything in my mouth...

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-"..unless it's been in my pussy."

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-Nice.

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-"Dan, answer that."

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-"Do you get thrown out

-of a lot of restaurants?"

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-This has been great.

-I've been Dan Thomas. Goodnight.

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

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-"impersonal hygiene"

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-Thank you for your welcome.

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-This is lovely. How are you?

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-I come from Ammanford.

-You don't know where that is.

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-You're lucky.

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-There are more people in Ammanford

-than teeth.

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-If you're not going to laugh,

-piss off.

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-You're spoiling it.

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-It's nice to be here. I come

-from a large family - 12 children.

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-Even my father has stretch marks.

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-When I got here today,

-I had time to spare.

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-The boys told me to go for a walk.

-I went to St Fagans.

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-It's old-fashioned, isn't it?

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-It was alright, but there were

-Northwalians everywhere.

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-They were having a great time.

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-They thought it was Techniquest.

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-Cardiff's so expensive.

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-I passed a dodgy van that sold

-chicken baguettes and I was hungry.

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-I asked the man

-how he prepared his chickens.

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-"We just tell them

-they're going to die."

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-I had a spot of bother

-on the way here this morning.

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-It wasn't my fault.

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-The boys asked me yesterday

-if I fancied a quick pint.

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-I thought, why not? We went down to

-the snooker club for a quick pint.

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-To be honest,

-I drank it a little too quickly.

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-I slowed down for the next ten.

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-I was so drunk

-I can't remember how I went to bed.

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-I woke up this morning

-feeling rough.

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-The sun was shining through the

-window and my waterbed was leaking.

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-Then I remembered -

-I don't have a waterbed.

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-There was a rainbow over the bed.

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-I was so rough.

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-My mouth felt as if I'd slept

-with everyone in the Royal Welsh.

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-But only the people this time.

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-It's not the first time

-I've been to Cardiff for a job.

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-A few years ago,

-my mother was on the change.

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-She was nasty. She was

-on the change... Not quite yet.

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-You know what I mean.

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-She said,

-"Phil, go and find a decent job."

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-I came to Cardiff to find a job

-and I found a decent job...

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-..in a sperm bank.

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-In Cardiff. Have you been?

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-A sperm bank.

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-250 a sample.

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-250 a shot.

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-I thought it would solve everything.

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-I stopped to think.

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-Over the years, about 2.5m

-has slipped through my hands.

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-My shower curtain is worth 500,000.

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-I was making money hand over fist.

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-My wife would tell me

-I never spent money on her.

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-I said,

-"Good girl, over the years...

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-"..I've splashed out a fortune

-over you."

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-And what did she do?

-She spat it back in my face.

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-This morning, I was rough,

-I wasn't feeling right.

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-I had such a bad stomach.

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-I got up, got dressed

-and I ran to catch the bus.

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-That's when things

-started going wrong.

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-I stepped on the bus...

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-..and I felt a movement.

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-I thought,

-"I'll just let off a sly one."

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-You know what I mean.

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-You know?

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-Some of you are doing it now.

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-You're sitting next to her.

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-What happened next

-was a bit of a surprise.

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-I had a little bit more...

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-It was more like a follow-through.

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-I was ill, I wasn't well.

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-All I know is, there was plenty of

-room for me on the bus this morning.

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-The passengers moved to the back.

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-They insisted I went to the top

-but it was only a single decker.

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-When we reached Swansea...

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-..I had to sort it out.

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-I needed new trousers.

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-I went to the man in the market...

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-.."Levi's, denim, 34,

-keep the change."

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-I ran out with the bag.

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-Straight to the train station,

-I caught the train just in time.

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-I had an hour to sort myself out

-before coming to see you.

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-The best place to do that

-on the train is the toilet.

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-I went past the buffet car.

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-I cleared the aisle.

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-I went in to the little cubicle

-on the train.

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-It was disgusting.

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-What kind of people

-travel on trains these days?

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-It was so filthy in there,

-I had to piss in the sink.

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-I had time to get cleaned up.

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-The train was leaving Swansea.

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-I took my shoes off.

-They were soaking.

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-There was a strong smell

-in the train...

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-..so I knew I was passing

-Port Talbot.

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-I took my trousers off.

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-I threw them out through the window.

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-I watched them being blown

-on the wind.

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-People in Port Talbot

-were fighting over them.

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-I started using the Swarfega and the

-hand cleaner and all that nonsense.

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-Then I was clean.

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-I'd even taken off my boxer shorts.

-I threw them out in Bridgend.

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-They got stuck

-on the train's windowsill.

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-As if they knew where they were.

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-I thought I was sorted.

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-The train arrived in Cardiff

-station. I thought I was sorted.

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-No trousers, no pants,

-but I was sorted.

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-I grabbed the bag.

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-You've been great.

-Thanks for laughing. Goodnight.

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-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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-.

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Dan Thomas a Phil Evans sy'n perfformio stand up yng Nghlwb Comedi Y Glee yng Nghaerdydd heno. Dan Thomas and Phil Evans perform stand up comedy in the Glee Club, Cardiff.