Tudur Owen a Daniel Glyn Gwerthu Allan

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-"Language of Heaven"

-Oh, hello!

-Wow!

-Cardiff.

-The capital city.

-The Glee Club in Cardiff.

-Lovely. It's nice to be here.

-I'm trying to see who I know.

-It's lovely being in the capital.

-I'm here to do comedy.

-Observational comedy they call it.

-Mind you, when I'm on Anglesey,

-there's not much to observe!

-I'll say something like, "You know

-when you go to Nando's?"...

-..and they say, "No."

-"What, just chicken?"

-Then I say,

-"OK, OK, how about a joke?"

-"Something funny

-happened to me today."

-"You didn't mention it

-when I saw you in the shop earlier."

-OK, then.

-"I was on the bus..."

-"No, you weren't, I was on it."

-"OK, do you know

-what jellyfish is in Welsh then?"

-"No!"

-It's lovely to be here.

-The start of a gig

-is always difficult.

-I've never been able

-to get it right.

-Someone gave me

-a piece of advice many years ago.

-He said, "To start a gig well,

-you have to say something...

-"..that will grab

-the audience's attention.

-"You have to say something

-that'll surprise them...

-"..and something they'll agree with.

-"You want this response -

-'Oh, yes, I agree with that.'"

-I had a real cracker years ago

-when I started doing stand-up.

-Pretend I've just started the show.

-Tudur Owen. Yeah-hey!

-Hiya. Hiya.

-Adolf Hitler - what a twat!

-It works every time.

-Every single time.

-It works in two ways

-because it surprises people.

-You don't usually hear Hitler

-being described as a twat...

-..and then it's,

-"Oh, yes, he is a twat, isn't he?"

-It works every time,

-unless I was doing a BNP gig.

-I'd adapt it a little then,

-if you know what I mean.

-"Adolf Hitler -

-he wasn't all that bad."

-I'd do the Hitler salute later on -

-the little one, not the full one.

-That'd be offensive.

-I'd do the other.

-He had a little salute.

-In footage of the Nuremberg rallies,

-he had an odd salute.

-It struck me as strange since there

-were thousands at these rallies...

-..shouting,

-"Hitler, you're brilliant!

-"We love you!"

-but in German, of course.

-They were shouting, "Yay!"

-You'd think that this man, who

-wanted to take over the world...

-..would've thought of a better

-response than the one he had.

-More like Robbie Williams.

-"Yes, I am brilliant, aren't I?"

-But what he had

-was his own little salute.

-He was like, "Oh, behave!"

-"Behave!"

-It's true, isn't it?

-"Heil Hitler!" "Oh, behave now!"

-"What are we

-going to do with Poland?"

-I've lost my breath.

-I'm too old for this lark. I'm 46.

-Odd things happen

-when you reach your forties.

-I found my first

-grey pubic hair recently.

-On a slice of bara brith.

-There's a cafe in Caernarfon

-that you really shouldn't go to!

-I was there recently

-having a cuppa and a cake...

-..and I noticed

-a white curl in the bara brith.

-I didn't want to make a fuss.

-Is anyone in from Caernarfon?

-I didn't want to make a fuss...

-..but I went up to the girl

-behind the counter and said...

-.."I don't want to make a fuss...

-"..but I know the person who

-bakes the cakes is a little older.

-"I found a little curl..."

-So she started making excuses.

-"My father makes the cakes

-and when it gets really busy...

-"..he doesn't have

-enough spare hands...

-"..so he sometimes

-puts the cakes under his armpits."

-I said, "Stop talking nonsense.

-Besides, that's disgusting."

-"You should see

-what he does with a doughnut."

-It's nice being here. I don't

-get to come to Cardiff that often.

-I used to come more often

-and bring the children with me.

-It's nice because more and more

-people speak Welsh here now.

-It's nice standing

-in front of a large audience...

-..of Welsh speakers.

-Welsh is the language of heaven,

-so they say...

-..not that I'll ever find out.

-If Welsh

-is really the language of heaven...

-..lots of English people are going

-to be pissed off, aren't they?

-I can imagine St Peter

-sitting at heaven's gates...

-..waiting for people to arrive,

-reading Golwg at the same time...

-..and a man

-approaching with a suitcase.

-St Peter says in Welsh,

-"Welcome. Welcome to heaven!"

-That's how he speaks.

-"Well done for reaching here."

-"Can you say

-all that again in English, please?"

-"Oh, no." "Why not?"

-"No speak English in heaven."

-"What do you mean?

-You don't speak English in heaven?"

-"No." "Why not?"

-"There's not much call for it."

-"Hang on.

-"Are you trying to tell me...

-I've led a blameless life.

-"I've just had

-a nasty accident in Corris, right?

-"Right?

-"I've come all the way up here

-and you're trying to tell me...

-"..I'll not be able

-to understand a bloody word?"

-"Well, yeah."

-"That's not good enough.

-I want to speak to the boss.

-"Get him down here now." "No point."

-"Why not?"

-"He don't speak England too."

-"What can I do?

-What can I do? I'm dead."

-"I'm not supposed to say it, but you

-could always try the other place."

-"You know, down there.

-The bad place."

-"What, Deiniolen?" "No"

-"Lower down." "What, Llanrug?"

-"No, no, really bad."

-"Do you mean hell?

-You think I should go to hell?"

-"Yeah."

-"Well, thanks for bugger all."

-Off he goes, down the stairs...

-..past Deiniolen...

-..right down to the depths...

-..to the gates of hell.

-They're similar to heaven's,

-only the welding's not as good.

-Of course,

-beyond the gates of hell...

-..is the devil.

-He's standing there,

-playing with his tail.

-"Excuse me, mate - you, with

-the horns and tail, is this hell?"

-"Oh, yes."

-"Do you speak English in here?"

-"Yes."

-"Because they don't up there."

-"You might as well open up.

-I'm coming in, I've got no choice."

-"Ha-ha! I was joking!"

-You're all going to find out.

-Cardiff.

-When I used to come here regularly,

-I'd bring the children along.

-They always wanted to go to a theme

-park, so I took them to St Fagans.

-It's free.

-Tell them it's where Mickey Mouse

-lived before he was famous!

-Here's a word of advice for you...

-..before I leave you.

-If you're on Facebook...

-..or even if you're not...

-..a friend of mine

-recently lost his job...

-..because he was tagged on Facebook.

-Someone took a photo of him

-and tagged him.

-I'm not talking about

-the Caernarfon tag.

-He's not even on Facebook

-but he was tagged.

-He was in a Christmas party

-that his work was paying for.

-All-expenses-paid job.

-He'd gone over the top and was

-tagged snogging one of the clients.

-It's a sackable offence

-in an old people's home.

-His wife left him. He's from Bangor.

-I said, "Have you got wi-fi?,"

-he said, "No, she left me, aye."

-That joke doesn't usually work

-outside of Bangor!

-He explained to me

-what had happened.

-He'd been having an affair

-with someone online.

-It's possible nowadays.

-He was having cyber sex,

-which I never knew existed.

-Apparently,

-you can have a virtual affair.

-He explained to me

-what cyber sex was...

-..which is basically imaginary sex.

-I've been doing that for years!

-He explained

-that he'd met this woman online.

-He took his laptop somewhere private

-with wi-fi and chatted to her.

-It's all about describing what

-you'd like to do to one another.

-He'd met this woman

-who was saying...

-.."I'm in my room and

-I'm undressing. Are you excited?"

-"Yes, I'm excited."

-"I've taken off my top."

-"I've taken off mine too."

-"I'm on the bed, naked.

-Are you naked?"

-"No, my trousers are down

-but I've got my work boots on."

-She said she was

-rubbing herself on satin sheets.

-"I've got some baby oil."

-"I've got some tomato sauce."

-She said, "Oh, my God,

-I'm excited. I'm so excited now.

-"I'm completely naked. Have you

-taken off all your clothes?"

-"Not yet." "Are you embarrassed?"

-"No, it's just I'm in McDonald's."

-It's been a pleasure talking to you.

-See you again soon. Goodnight.

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-"A tongue out to the Dragon"

-Wow!

-Thank you very much.

-Hello, everyone.

-Hello, Cardiff.

-Yay!

-We've toured all over Wales, trying

-to get people to come and watch us.

-This is the first time I've done

-stand-up in front of an audience...

-It's amazing.

-What an audience. What would

-stand-up be without an audience?

-I'll tell you.

-Pwllheli.

-I was told, "Loads of people will

-come." No, only eight showed up.

-That's what's nice

-about going on a comedy tour...

-..and introducing comedians

-to different parts of Wales...

-..and Welsh culture.

-Phil Evans did a gig with us

-in North Wales.

-Phil had never met anyone

-from North Wales...

-..and specifically not someone

-from Llannerch-y-medd on Anglesey.

-He met my auntie and uncle

-who are teetotal.

-I'd had a couple of pints when

-Phil turned up. I said, "Hey, Phil."

-My uncle said, "Nice to meet you."

-Phil said, "I speak Welsh."

-He said, "Oh, you speak Welsh.

-Nice to meet you.

-"He speaks Welsh. Nice to meet you."

-Phil said, "I see

-you've been on the piss all day."

-I said, "What?" He said,

-"They're pissed out of their heads."

-"No, that's how they speak."

-"What's wrong with them?"

-"That's how they speak

-in Llannerch-y-medd."

-He said, "I'm sure they're pissed."

-When he left, my uncle said,

-"He's not all there, is he?"

-It's interesting...

-..when people go on about

-the Welsh language deteriorating.

-It's not happening here in Cardiff.

-There are more Welsh-medium schools

-in Cardiff than ever before.

-It's amazing,

-but still people complain.

-It's a fact that 90% of children in

-Welsh-medium education in Cardiff...

-..come from

-a non-Welsh-speaking family.

-People are worried

-Cardiff kids will be held back.

-But what's wrong with doing

-an A Level in Sali Mali?

-"Pry Bach Tew has a party

-that no-one knows about. Discuss."

-The fact that Pry Bach Tew has

-a party that no-one knows about...

-..suggests he has

-an ineffective marketing strategy.

-Because there are lots of

-non-Welsh-speaking parents...

-..some people complain about

-Welsh names being mispronounced.

-But I don't mind it.

-My kids go to Ysgol Pwll Coch.

-Non-Welsh-speaking parents

-say to me...

-.."Will your boy

-be going to Pull Cock?

-"Hopefully when he's older, yes."

-"Oh, no. They can go to Pull Cock

-from the age of three."

-"They grow up so quickly,

-don't they?"

-"Oh, yes.

-"My eldest is in the last year. He

-goes to Pull Cock all by himself."

-"Is that how I pronounce it?"

-"That is exactly

-how you pronounce it.

-"Don't let any of these Welshies

-tell you otherwise."

-You also get the other extreme,

-the super-duper Welsh of Cardiff...

-..which is great,

-fair play to them for staying...

-..because lots of people move

-to Cardiff, take the best jobs...

-..have children, then leave.

-My friend said, "Sian and I are

-moving from Cardiff for the kids."

-I said, "Why, because of asthma

-or air pollution?"

-He said, "No, I just don't want them

-speaking like you."

-I was so ruddy-duddy offended!

-I've other friends

-called Siwan and Med.

-Siwan's always complaining, "I don't

-like these silly names at school...

-"..like Tyrone, Rashid, Connor

-and names like that."

-I said,

-"Why, what are yours called?"

-"Mabli, Onllwyn,

-Lleucu Ceridwen and Obed."

-"Obed?!"

-"Yes, we wanted a Welsh name

-that everyone could pronounce...

-"..to avoid any upset."

-I said, "Yes, they'll go,

-'How's it goin', Obed?'"

-"Where you been, Obed?"

-I'm conscious

-when I tell that story...

-..that there may be Mablis

-or Lleucus in the audience.

-I offended

-a lot of people at the Eisteddfod...

-..because the place

-is full of Obeds!

-Full of 'em!

-Med wanted Welsh names

-for his children...

-..and his son is called

-Onllwyn ap Med, meaning son of Med.

-If you're the daughter,

-"ach" is used instead of "ap"

-His daughter is called

-Lleucu Cerys Ceridwen ach Med.

-You're lovely, aren't you?

-It's going well, isn't it?

-I became

-very aware of nationalism...

-..when I went to college

-at Bangor Normal.

-Fair enough, really.

-Everyone's familiar with it.

-This is how rubbish it was.

-When it closed down,

-no-one said bugger all.

-Usually there's a fuss

-if a Welsh chip shop closes.

-But when Bangor Normal closed,

-everyone went, "Fair enough."

-There were a lot of farmers

-in my college year.

-I tried to empathize

-with the farmers.

-When they complained about farming,

-I joined in.

-"I went to the Amelia Trust

-City Farm in Cardiff...

-"..and the rabbit food

-had gone up 10p - it was awful!"

-The farmers always did better

-than everyone else at college...

-..because they could cheat by

-writing more on their massive hands.

-They hid it well

-under the comb-over too.

-They were better

-at getting away with it.

-Once I played a trick

-that I thought was hilarious.

-A boy with his own room

-had gone home for the weekend.

-I soaked his carpet with water

-and threw cress seeds on it.

-By the Sunday, there was

-a carpet of cress on the floor.

-I thought it was hilarious but the

-farmer went, "That's not funny."

-I said, "You don't

-appreciate my Cardiff humour."

-He went to the nearest field and

-came back with a sheep in his arms.

-He put it down and said,

-"Now it's funny."

-I got myself into a bit of trouble.

-I took part

-in a Welsh Language Society rally.

-I came third.

-I was very happy with that.

-I took part in

-the Wales Is Not For Sale protest.

-Wales Is Not For Sale.

-Wales Is Not For Sale.

-A news crew was there filming it

-and grabbed me for a soundbite.

-Confused, I said, "It's scandalous

-that Wales is not for sale."

-As Welsh people we should be able to

-sell our houses to anyone we choose.

-It doesn't matter

-where they come from.

-Ffred Ffransis was shouting, "What

-are you doing?" and dragging me off.

-So that was me in college,

-protesting.

-We graffiti'd slogans like "New

-Language Act" and I suggested...

-..they should be bilingual so that

-English people'd understand them.

-One guy goes, "Good idea".

-"Piss Off And Die, English Scum."

-I became proper involved...

-..in campaigns like

-Wales Is Not For Sale...

-..Welsh Homes For Welsh People...

-..Ta-ta, Botha, Botha, Ta-ta...

-..and Tryweryn Ein Llyw Olaf.

-He was quite a guy. Brilliant.

-He was a brave man.

-We had a full-on Welsh teacher at

-school who went on about Tryweryn.

-He banged on about

-the drowning of Tryweryn so much...

-..that I thought

-people had actually drowned.

-I was drawing pictures

-of people face down in the water...

-..like Pompeii, and imagining

-it twinned with Cantre'r Gwaelod.

-Lots of Tryweryn's residents

-received compensation.

-I'm sure they opened the letter

-and went, "I oppose... How much?!"

-"Go and fetch my snorkel. Hang on,

-there's enough here to buy a boat.

-"We'll be alright."

-So I'd sprayed slogans everywhere

-and got into a bit of trouble.

-I was arrested for it.

-Like any self-respecting

-middle class person...

-..my parents hired a lawyer

-to get me out of the shit.

-She was from Anglesey.

-She was brilliant.

-She said,

-"Don't worry, I'll get you off.

-"I'll provide an alibi and say you

-were nowhere near the crime scene.

-"You were somewhere

-between Oswestry and Shrewsbury."

-So I went to court but the Welsh-

-speaking judge was unavailable....

-..so an English-speaking judge

-replaced him.

-She said,

-"I'm very uncomfortable with this.

-"I don't want to do this.

-I'm not at all happy with this."

-I said, "Stuff the Welsh language...

-"..Mami and Dadi

-are paying you a lot of money.

-"Go out there

-and do what you have to do."

-She said, "I'm not happy."

-She wasn't happy with it because

-she was from Llannerch-y-medd.

-"Your Honour, I will prove my client

-was nowhere near this incident...

-"..and was somewhere

-between Shrewsbury and Oswestry."

-I was fined 3,000 and

-she was held in contempt of court...

-..because the judge

-thought she was pissed.

-You've been wonderful. Thank you

-very much for listening. Goodnight.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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