Episode 1 Hole in the Wall

Yippee! Woo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is Hole In The Wall.

Please welcome your brand-new host, a man who proves walls

don't just have ears, they have Antons! It's Anton Du Beke!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, wall lovers, and welcome to a new series

of Hole In The Wall, with me, new host, Anton Du Beke!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tonight, a dazzling array of celebrities will bend, twist and mould their pristine bodies

into all manner of shapes, in order to get through our walls and win £10,000 for charity.

As we speak, they're warming up, or to be precise, trembling with fear.

But waiting to go into battle in their traditional, top-of-the-range, silver suits

are our brand-new team captains. Do you want to meet them?

ALL: Yes!

Please welcome our spandex duo, rugby legend Austin Healey

and East End King of the Jungle Joe Swash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Nice to see you!

-CHEERING CONTINUES

Lovely to see you... Oh, dear.

-Did you like that? That was just for you, that was.

-Oh, I'm honoured.

-That was very artistic.

-I thought it was very elegant.

-More dying swan than Swan Lake,

if I'm honest, but there you are.

-He's heavier than he looks, you know.

-I tell you.

-Ooh...

Time to meet the teams now in all their glory.

Joining Austin tonight, supermodel Sophie Anderton and EastEnders' Nasty Nick, John Altman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On Joe's team, Radio One's Comedy Dave and television presenter Anne Diamond!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done. Well done.

Marvellous. Well done.

Well, here's how it works. The aim for our celebrities is to get through a hole

-in a rapidly moving wall.

-Yippee!

-If they don't, they'll come to a very wet end in our freezing pool.

It's so cold, it'll give you frostbite in places you really don't want to get frostbite.

The walls get more difficult over five rounds as our teams

battle it out to face the one that shows no mercy.

It's the Great Wall!

ALL: Ooh!

It's a frightening prospect.

-But the team that defeats the Great Wall...

-Ooh!

I love it! ..will leave with £10,000 for a charity of their choice.

Let's play Hole In The Wall!

CHEERING

First out of the trap tonight is Solo Wall.

One team member faces a wall with one hole for the honour of earning ten points.

Blue team will start tonight. Austin, my dear, it's you up first.

-Who's going to be chosen from your team?

-Ladies first.

-Ladies first. Sophie.

-OK. OK.

Are you ready to get in shape?

Er, it depends what the shape is.

Well... Step up to the play area, you're about to find out.

Bring on the wall!

Make sure you're in the middle!

-Stay in the middle!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

You've got it! You've got it!

-You've got it!

-SHE SHRIEKS

-Yeah!

-Yippee!

-Gorgeous. How elegant was she?

Like a little crane, she was. Jonathan,

talk us through that beauty.

Well, Anton, Sophie prepares for our first wall

like a mouse taking on a herd of buffalo. Big mistake.

But with perfectly positioned limbs,

and a quick wiggle of the hips,

she shows a natural wall talent that anyone would be proud of.

From a terrified beginning, she gives the Blues a brilliant start.

I didn't know what to expect. As it gets closer to you, you're like, "Oh, dear God, where to go?"

Forward, generally speaking. But you were fabulous.

-And maximum points. Ten points!

-Yes, well done.

Not a bad start. Who's got what it takes from your team?

I wanna go with Dave. Dave looks like he wants to have a go.

Go, Davy!

-Comedy Dave.

-Any time.

-Are you ready to get into shape?

-I am ready, yes.

-All right. Step up to the play area.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bring on the wall!

Three, two, one!

Yeah!

Yippee! Oh, yeah!

MUSIC: "Rocket Man" by Elton John

I'm overwhelmed!

Jonathan, how good was that?

Impressive start, Anton.

Joe and Anne are on the sideline

showing Dave how to prepare to launch himself through the human rocket wall.

But, Houston, we have a problem, as Dave can't get his back leg high enough for blast-off.

At the final second, he defies gravity

to pull his leg up and over the wall, and despite

crashing back down to earth, he avoids the emergency landing

and sends his team into orbit.

Dave, brilliant! How did that feel?

I don't really know. I'm not entirely sure how I did it.

Because I saw the shape and I thought, "That looks nothing like me."

-Even when I went through it, it looked nothing like me. Anyway, one each.

-I think you were marvellous.

-Thank you.

-What do you think?

-He fell over.

-He did.

Less points for that, I reckon.

-Oh, give over!

-He's nasty in real life, isn't he?

-Give him eight.

-He's really mean, isn't he? Well,

I thought it was perfect, so ten points!

Well, at the end of Solo Wall,

the scores on the floor are neck and neck.

Ten points each!

So all-square at the moment, but who will prevail at the end

and face the big one, the tantalising Great Wall?

ALL: Ooh!

I love that! Maybe we'll get a clue in round two. It's Captain's Mate!

CHEERING

Well, this is a round for two players, a captain and a team-mate.

Together, they have to find a way through a hole whilst trying to remain friends.

And, captains, you're going to be blindfolded.

-Oh, good!

-Now, if you are successful, I'll give you 20 points.

But if you fail, I'll give you a towel. I think that's a fair swap.

-Yeah.

-So, Austin, it's you and John.

Austin, I'd like you...

..to pop these on, please!

LAUGHTER

-All right. Are you both ready to get in shape?

-Oh, this is stupid.

John, would you be so kind as to lead your captain to the play area?

Take it steady now. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

On the mat.

And bring on the wall!

You've got no chance!

Ooh, no!

MUSIC: "Sight For Sore Eyes" by M People

Jonathan, tell us where they went wrong.

Well, Anton, Nasty Nick has the chance to

reinvent himself as Nice John for this and he does the virtuous thing,

as he positions his blindfolded captain

out of danger. The arms are right, but the legs are wrong

and old habits die hard as Nasty Nick looks after number one,

sending Austin to the Queen Vic for a drink.

Water for one please, barman!

And to top it all, Anton, you got a nice cold shower.

-Do we not get anything for that?

-Well, I was going to give you ten points,

-but I'm only going to give you five, because you got me wet.

-SOPHIE: That's not fair.

-What were you thinking?

-Well, there's a swimming pool there.

-Oh, leave off!

You shouldn't have been standing so close.

-Five points!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Joe.

-Yes.

-It's you and lovely Anne.

Lovely. Let's get this done.

-The dream team.

-It's the dream team.

Pop those on, would you, my love?

Can I just say sorry now?

-I'll really try...

-You'll be great.

-..and describe the impossible.

-All you've got to do...

-is put him in the shape.

-Right. Hold me hand.

-I've got your hand.

-Good luck.

-Let's go, Anne!

-OK,

-are you both ready to get in shape?

-Let's do this!

-All right. Step up to the play area.

-Right, move forward.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, you're in the middle.

-There's the edge.

-Right.

And bring on the wall!

OK, you're just looking at me, like you are now.

And then lean a little bit forward towards me... Go back.

Lean a little bit forward towards me.

And I'm going to go... Just stay like that...

Oh! Oh, no!

You were doing it fine!

We nearly did it.

LAUGHTER

Jonathan, show us what happened.

Oh, it wasn't pretty, Anton.

The cheeky bottom-pincher

hole was completely lost on this Diamond and a geezer.

With Joe blindfolded and facing the wrong way,

he was a step too far from dry land.

Anne was meant to be

giving Joe's bottom a playful squeeze,

but Joe got more than that and he ends up in the arms of the pool.

Anne, you lined him up wrong, love.

-Did I?! It was all right.

-You did! You went in the solid bit.

You're supposed to line him up with the hole.

-It's just a technicality.

-Ever so near.

We try to adhere by it. Well, it wasn't a bad effort and, for you...

-It wasn't bad...

-..five points.

-Thank you.

-Five points!

-Well done.

So the scores on the floor at the end of that round are...

level pegging.

15 points each!

Ooh!

Well, remember there's £10,000 for charity on offer, but first, it's time for round three.

It's Team Wall.

Come on, team! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As its name suggests, this is a round for the whole team.

Three players take on one wall.

Not easy, but then not as difficult as one player taking on three walls.

If they shape up and get through, they'll win 30 points.

ALL: Ooh!

Save the "oohs" for the Great Wall.

So lots to play for in this round. Austin, are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Yeah.

-Step up to the play area, team.

-Right, so...

-Do you want to go in the middle?

-Yeah. Come on...

-Here we go.

-All together now and...

Bring on the wall!

Sit down! Sit down!

No!

That was gorgeous! Sophie, you're really bendy!

Austin, you're not quite so bendy.

Jonathan, let's see that one again.

Here we go then, Anton, with Sophie taking

the driving seat of the human train wall.

She has no trouble bending herself

in all the right places, while John contorts himself

into a safe hiding position behind her.

It's Austin who derails the blue train with his wild arms.

A premature celebration and a one-way ticket to Waterloo.

I don't believe that. I had my legs in the right position and everything.

-It was the rest of your body that was a problem.

-Well, yes...

John, eh? A gymnast in the making!

I don't know what happened there. I'm sure my legs were in the wrong position.

-I thought it was rather good.

-Two of them got through.

-Five points each.

-Ten points!

-Five each?!

-Five each.

That's fair... THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

We've had a good day, don't spoil it.

-I'll set Nick on you.

-I thought it was 20 points.

-Did you?

-Mm. OK.

-Oh, sorry.

-Joe.

-Yes.

-You're the captain. What words of wisdom are you going to have for your team?

All right, team, words of wisdom.

-Don't do what they done, all right?

-"Don't do what they done!"

-Done!

-Nice. All right.

You can put them in any order you like. Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Yes.

-Step up to the play area!

-Let's go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We can do this.

And...

bring on the wall!

They're going in!

ANNE SCREAMS

Oh, no!

No!

MUSIC: "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That was terrible!

-We got through the shapes.

-You went through the wall! That's different.

-The wall went over us.

-It weren't our fault.

-Jonathan, what happened?

I'm so confused.

They WERE confused about

the sign-post wall. The team should all be

balancing on one leg with their other limbs

filling the gaps. But Joe picks Anne up,

giving her the shock of her life. Just look at her face.

Dave doesn't know what he can do to help them and the entire team

stay together, but end up flattening the wall.

What do you think? Any good?

CHEERING Come on! We made the shape,

-didn't we?

-No!

-Did we make the shape?

-No!

CHEERING CONTINUES

They've spoken. You've got to give us extra points now.

I'm going to give you,

-for the team-work that you showed...

-Yeah.

-I'm going to give you

-five points!

-Five points?! CHEERING

All right! At the end of that round,

the scores on the floor are...

Oh, somehow! ..Joe, 20 points.

And Austin's team 25!

OK, you big drips.

Time to pit your wits against the might of Wonder Wall.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

In this round, a question and two answers are written on the wall.

Behind the right answer is a hole.

Behind the wrong answer... well, it's solid wall.

Two players face it and if they choose the right answer,

they'll sail through and bag

-20 whole points.

-Ooh!

-You could do with that as well, if I'm honest.

Well, let's hope they're not as thick as the wall.

-FAINT LAUGHTER

-I don't know why

I was drawn to you when I said that.

All right, Joe, you're trailing, so it's you up first.

Who's got the privilege of going in your team?

Right, after the experience we had last time, I'll let you two go!

-You and me then.

-Step up to the play area.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And...bring on the wall!

Three chickens, seven goats, how many legs?

-34 or 36?

-Chickens is six. Seven goats...

-They've got 24.

-Don't listen to him!

-24!

-It's 36. 36!

Oh, no!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

-Who said he was Nasty Nick?

-Ever the gentleman.

-Nasty Nick!

-Where did that come from?

-Where did that come from?

I thought he was going to give me the kiss of life then.

-I'm trying to work it out. What was it? Three chickens and seven goats.

-Well, what did you go for?

-Six times four plus six.

-I think it's time for Jonathan to give us a maths lesson.

-I still don't know.

This is simple farmyard arithmetic,

but they don't have enough fingers between them

and Joe's head scratching doesn't give them much more of a clue.

Seven goats have four legs each and three chickens have two legs each.

So that's 28 goats legs and six chicken legs. Mmm, tasty.

That equals 34 legs. Legs, Dave!

Nobody mentioned wings. Ouch!

Well, it was a reasonable effort.

No points!

Austin, who are the Masterminds on your team?

Well, I think it's time for beauty and the beast...

To get wet!

..to have a go together.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes, indeed.

-Yes.

-All right.

-Step up to the play area.

-OK.

-Come on, team!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hey!

And bring on the wall!

Added together, how many letters in the capital cities of Scotland

-and Wales, 16 or 17?

-Oh, God!

-It's coming!

-17!

Oh, no!

MUSIC: "Bad" by Michael Jackson

ANTON LAUGHS

-Do we want to see that again?

-ALL: Yeah!

Jonathan, show us again.

Here it is. Just look at Sophie

in absolute shock. While John gets scientific, using his knuckles

as an impromptu abacus. But ultimately, it's Austin's sideline advice

-that sends his team-mates to an answer.

-17!

The capital city of Scotland is Edinburgh, with nine letters, the capital of Wales is Cardiff.

It's seven letters, giving us the answer of 16.

They showed British spirit by holding hands in a valiant

show of unity, but ended up taking one for Queen and country.

Who said 17? Was it one of you lot?

I, I...

-Was it? Was it you?!

-I'm afraid it was your captain.

I spelt Edinburgh wrong.

-CHEERING

-No points!

So as Wonder Wall returns to its day job as Professor of Rocket Science at Cambridge University,

I can tell you that the scores on the floor are...

..Joe's team has 20.

But Austin's in the lead with 25!

Well done, team.

Right, now it's time for a round with a sting in its tail. A round I like to call Anton's...

ALL: Ooh!

-..Twist.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anton's Twist, so-called because I, Anton, have invented walls with a twist.

-Cunning name.

-Thank you very much.

The teams have to pull out all the stops to get through these twisted walls,

but if they do, they'll be rewarded with a whopping 30 points!

All Ooh!

Joe, you're trailing, so for you, it's a wall for the whole team.

But the twist is that one of you won't be able to hear,

one of you won't be able to see and one of you won't be able to speak.

-Brilliant.

-So...

-That's an evil one.

-That's an evil one.

-Joe, you wore them so beautifully earlier, I think you can wear them again. These are for you.

-Thank you.

-Dave, these are for you.

-Thank you very much.

-They're earmuffs.

-Oh, well done.

-Thanks.

-And, Anne,

-you can wear a gag.

-Oh...thank you.

I'm sorry about this. I won't be able to say anything.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes!

-Mmm.

-Pardon?

-Sorry?

-Pardon?

-Step up to the play area.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, team!

Dave, you need to do the talking, all right?

-I can't hear you.

-Oh, what?! LAUGHTER

Mmm...

And bring on the wall!

Sit down, sit down.

OK...

Ready?

CHEERING

Yippee! Woo-hoo!

MUSIC: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel

-Well done! We did it!

-Yeah!

Jonathan, sort this mess out for me, would you?

Hand me a broom and I will!

This was a mess for the red team.

They should be standing, kneeling

and curling in a line, but Joe and Dave

are facing the wrong way

and Joe takes a chunk out of

the wall with his stray arm.

Anne's the only one making the correct shape.

And although they all remain dry, it's nothing to be proud of.

-We done well. It was a good effort.

-I think you're right about the 25.

-I think that's fair. Yeah.

-27 and a half.

-Well, just because Dave said so,

15 points!

Oh!

That's all right. That puts us level.

Well, another team wall, but this time, all three of you will be joined together...

with these. Ooh-hoo-hoo!

ALL: Ooh!

-Who goes where?

-Interesting.

-If you could just

-pop these on.

-OK. What order do we go in?

-Friends forever.

-Shall I go in the middle?

As you've probably realised, they all have to make the shape, but if one goes in, they all go in.

-We ain't going in.

-Are you ready to get in shape, team?

-No!

-Ah, yes, sir.

-Yes, we are, Anton.

-Yes.

-OK, step up to the play area.

-Come on, team!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, come on.

And bring on the wall!

You're on your...

-back foot. Turn round.

-You're going in!

-Hands up.

-OK.

Yippee!

Don't slip, don't slip!

MUSIC: "Don't Upset The Rhythm" by Noisettes

That takes team bonding to a whole new level, I reckon.

Marvellous. It was a bit close the eyes and, "Oh, God!"

Jonathan, what do you think of that?

Anton, Sophie's the envy of the female population,

if she gets up close and personal with John and Austin.

The three players

did form a human concertina, not far off,

with John so confident, he gives a little wave

to the wall as it passes. The only thing missing

from this tangled trio shape is the raised ankle.

But credit to them, they escaped the handcuffs hole like Harry Houdini.

Well, that wasn't a completely perfect shape, but...

-The ankles weren't perfect.

-We didn't point our toes.

-Well, I...

I think the dexterity of the back leg wasn't quite there, so I'm going to take five away. 25 points!

Well done. Well, more wicked walls next time.

I'm already working on some particularly nasty ideas.

But at the end of that round,

Joe has 35 points. But with 50 points and controlling

the Great Wall today, it's Austin's team!

-Well done, team.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, be afraid, be very afraid.

It's time for Nightmare On Hole In The Wall Street.

It's the Great Wall.

The Great Wall is a super-speed wall for three players that they

have to all get through to win £10,000 for charity.

But it could be a real toughie. Or it might be a simple sweetie. So,

Austin, you can play or you can pass the Great Wall.

But if you do face it and fail, the £10,000 automatically goes to Joe's team. So what's it to be?

-We're going to play.

-You're going to play!

-Come on!

-Well, I like your style.

-You know it's a hard one, don't you?

I like your style. Sophie's going, "I can't believe he said that."

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yeah.

-I am.

-Good.

-Well, step up to the play area, team.

-Come on, team.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, this is it. Bring on the Great Wall!

I'll dive through that...

-JOE: Someone's gonna mess up!

-Jump! Jump...

Oh! Oh, no!

Jonathan, what a disaster! What happened?

Disaster indeed, Anton.

A classic case of over-confidence.

The luck of the draw gave the Blues an easy wall

and Austin can't believe his luck,

dancing a merry jig. It's one hole each

for the players.

This is where it all went wrong.

-I'll dive through that.

-OK.

Austin and Sophie breeze through, but it's not so easy for Nasty Nick.

He may have left Albert Square, but the delay in leaving this one

hands the victory to Joe.

When we were stood on there, John said,

"I'll dive through the little hole." Something in my mind went, "Oh, will you? Are you sure, John?"

-He took it on.

-He did.

-You gave it a go and failed miserably.

-True British spirit.

-Well done, team. You win.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah!

Joe, we need to know, who's the £10,000 going to?

The £10,000 is going to Dave's charity, which is Cancer Research.

-Yes.

-Fantastic.

-Fabulous. Well done. Thank you very much indeed.

-Well done.

-Congratulations.

Commiserations. That's all we've got time for this week,

but we're already replenishing our stock of walls, holes

and celebrities ready for another wall-tastic battle next time.

-Good night!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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