Episode 3 Hole in the Wall

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This is Hole In The Wall. Please go wild and crazy for your host,

the wallflower that is Anton Du Beke!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Hole In The Wall,

the show in which different-shaped celebrities make

different-shaped shapes to get through different shapes.

It's really that simple.

We've got an unbelievable show for you tonight.

The walls are ready, the holes are ready and the super body hugging silver suits are ready.

-But are you ready?

-Yes!

Well, let's get on with the show then and meet the Hole In The Wall captains.

He's really touchy feely, little Austin Healey!

And he's really not posh, it's tiny Joe Swash!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Marvellous, marvellous! What about that?

-What an entrance!

-Did you like that?

Somersault. 2012.

It's just round the corner from his house, isn't it? EastEnders.

Yeah. I can walk there, packed lunch in hand, do a bit of gymnastics, bring home the gold medal. Job done.

LAUGHTER

-If no-one else turns up.

-Yeah, exactly.

Well, the teams are fully greased up and ready to slide in, so let's bring them down.

On Austin's team today a brace of actors.

From Hollyoaks it's Gemma Bissix and from Doctors it's Matthew Chambers.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And joining Joe today, television presenter Kelly Dalglish and pop star Lil' Chris!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Listen, Matthew, I've got to say,

ladies, look at him! Look at all those lumps and bumps.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Joe, couldn't you have got one of the suits with the abs sown in?

Kelly, you come from a sporting family.

-Yeah.

-How competitive are you going to be tonight?

Well, you can't predict how good you're going to be at it.

If you start something new usually you've got an idea,

but I've never stood before a wall with great big holes in it and let it swing at me quickly,

so I've got no idea how I'm going to get on!

OK, eyes down, here is how it works.

Walls with curiously shaped holes in them move towards our celebrities

who are perched precariously in our play area.

If they get through the hole our celebrities will earn precious points.

If they don't, they'll end up wetter than a bucket of water without the bucket.

The winning team gets £10,000 to donate to a charity of their choice,

but winning involves battling through five increasingly difficult

rounds and then taking on, I can hardly bring myself to say this,

-the fiend that is The Great Wall!

-Ooh!

-Where does that noise come from?

-Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't like to say.

But there's a long way to go before we confront that monster, so let's play Hole In The Wall!

Round one is Solo Wall, a one holed wall takes on one whole celebrity.

Ten points for the celebrity if they get through, but if they don't they may end up, well, little bit soggy.

So, Austin, who has got the bottle in your team to go first?

Even though they're celebrities, a little bit shorter than me...

-I think Matthew should have a go.

-Yes!

-Come over here, Matthew.

-How do you feel about being first up?

-I feel good.

Ready for the challenge. Thank you.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yeah!

-Yes!

-Come on!

Step on to the play area.

-Come on, Matthew!

-Go on, Matthew!

And bring on the wall!

Yippee! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

How can a man your size get through a hole that big? It's impossible!

Jonathon, what a start!

Anton, Dr Matthew's obviously used to stitching thread through the eye of his doctor's needle because

it seems impossible that a man of his size could squeeze through that hole.

But he does! It's almost superhuman. He must have been practising Hole In The Wall at home with a cat flap!

That was purrr-fection.

I didn't know you had a cat flap at home in your front door.

Well, absolutely perfect, ten points!

-Perfect, perfect!

-Brilliant.

-Well done, team.

-Who's it going to be, Joe?

-Like I told you before, Anton,

I'm forever the gentleman...

-You are.

-and I would not want to be hit by the wall before Kelly.

So, Kelly, you can do it for me!

-A gentlemanly act if ever...

-I don't think that's gentlemanly!

Do you not? Well...

A form of gentlemanly behaviour I'm not familiar with.

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes.

-Step up to the play area.

-Go on, Kelly!

-Come on, the Dalglish!

-Get in there, Dalglish!

And bring on the wall!

-AUDIENCE:

-Three, two, one!

-You can do it! Go on! Go on, Kel!

-I'm going to fall before it hits me!

Go on Kel... Oh!

Oh! Oh, no!

Jonathan?

Well, Anton, it's true Kelly broke the wall in spectacular fashion,

but let's address her shape making issues first.

We needed Kelly to be flexing those hips like a dancer

and kicking her leg up to the heavens.

Unfortunately she's flexed those hips,

but it looked more like a poodle cocking its leg up to the bushes!

The wall takes her on a brief sojourn across the pond,

but then it springs like a trapdoor

and Kelly is left spending some quality time with the water.

But, Anton, flexibility like that deserves a little something.

Well, I thought your dexterity wasn't bad there, it was just your leg was in the wrong...

Nice camera angle particularly, I thought!

-Two points!

-What did she get two points for?

Good shape.

Well, at the end of that Solo Wall round the scores on the floor are...

Joe's team with two points,

and in the lead with ten points is Austin's team.

Next up Round Two where the teams come face to face with Captain's Mate.

Well, this is the round for two players,

the captain and the celebrity teammate. If they work together

and both make it through they'll earn ten points each, a total of 20 points for the team.

Fail and they'll find themselves part of a synchronised swimming team.

And today, just because we can, the captain is going to be blindfolded.

-So, Austin...

-Ho ho ho!

-It's you and Gemma.

Gemma, would you be so kind as to pop those on your lovely captain?

-Oh, thank goodness.

-That's a pleasure.

-Hold on... Can you hold on to them?

I'll do it myself.

-Oh, Austin!

-Oh, aren't you a lovely captain?

That's better, Anton.

I've never looked handsomer. Are you both ready to get in shape?

-I hope so. Yes!

-Yes.

-Come on, Austin!

-Well, step up to the play area.

-Come on.

Bring on the wall!

-AUDIENCE:

-Three, two, one!

Put this leg up.

Up higher if you can. Up higher.

Higher! Higher!

Keep it up, keep it up! It's coming!

Oh, no, no!

# Bye bye, baby, baby, goodbye

# Bye bye

# Bye bye, baby... #

-God!

-No, I don't want your help now! It's too late now.

I'm so sorry.

Jonathan, show him what he did.

It's the marching men hole for the blue pair

and Gemma revels as the sergeant major.

She grabs Austin by the foot and doesn't let him go.

-Higher, higher, higher!

-She's barking orders like

a drill sergeant, but a hopping Austin's already at full stretch.

GI Gemma decides her work's done and she's lucky to get through the wall herself.

She leaves Austin to face the enemy alone and he's hit somewhere unexpected as he takes a tumble.

That's enough to make your eyes water behind those goggles, Anton!

-It was close.

-It was close, yeah.

-It was close.

I was trying. I stayed dry and got through my hole.

You did get through your hole, not really in the right shape, but you

-got through your hole and for that you can have two points!

-Only two?

That's what I'm talking about. Why only two?

All right.

-That's the same as Kelly's and I didn't...

-Oh, whoa, whoa! Don't start arguing with Anton, he's the boss.

-OK. Sorry, Anton.

-That's all right.

Joe, it's you and Lil' Chris.

-Right.

-Would you be so kind...

-Goggles and all.

-To pop these on your fellow over there?

-I will.

-Marvellous.

-Do you want to do them?

-Could this be the end of a beautiful friendship?

-No.

All right. I'm sweet, I'm sorted. Ready to go.

-Are you both ready to get in shape?

-I'm ready to get in shape!

-Ergh!

-Step up to the play area.

-Stay away! Stay away!

No, no! Joe! Joe, where are you going? All right, hang on?

-You're not allowed to hit kids, are you?

-No, you can't.

Is that the front, yeah? Why am I circles...

That's the pool. You're not supposed to be...

Yeah, you must... This way. Oh, right, this way, yeah.

Oh, my God! Can I have another partner?

-Come here. Whoa!

-And bring on the wall!

-AUDIENCE:

-Three, two, one!

Switch back to back!

Right, hold me up, hold me up!

That's it, that's it.

Oh! Oh, no!

-You were so close. Were we close?

-You were so close.

I thought that was a marvellous effort.

-It was.

-Jonathan, did you think it was a marvellous effort?

Well, a marvellously heroic effort from Joe.

Not only does the blindfold hamper him, but then he suddenly has Chris on his back too.

He may be little by name, surely Joe could do without being sat on like a deck chair!

It should be the other way round! But like the Greek god Atlas

with the world on his shoulders, Joe stands strong.

Sadly, tragic Greek mythology becomes reality as the wall gods

punish Chris's stupidity

and they're left taking an odyssey into the deep.

That's a good ten point effort. A bit rough.

Do you know what? If it was down to me I'd give you more.

Oh, it is down to me. No points!

Yeah!

So, what has that done to the scores?

The scores on the floor are...

Joe's team with two points, but in the lead Austin's team with 12!

Don't worry, team. It'll be all right.

Not long to go now before one of our teams have to endure the agony of taking on the Great Wall.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Lovely. Yes, it separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls,

but don't forget the team that beats it gets £10,000 for a charity.

Right now, though, another fearsome foe.

It's Team Wall.

In this round, all three team members take on one wall.

There will be bodies everywhere.

There's ten points for everyone who gets through it, which means

if all three players make it they will get how many points?

Eh, er...30.

Just checking you're paying attention. Yes, a possible 30 points available in this round.

So, Austin, you get to go first.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah, we're ready.

-He looks very determined, doesn't he?

-He looks slightly scary.

-A bit scary, a bit determined.

-Do you want a cuddle?

Go on, give him a cuddle.

-Aww!

-Aww!

-Aww.

-Thanks.

Preferred mine. All right, are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes, go on, then!

-Go on, step up to the play area.

-Here we go.

-And bring on the wall!

-Come on, then.

-Three, two, one!

You go low. No, no. Who's the most flexible?

I'll go high if you want.

-You go high, I'll go middle, you go bottom.

-High...

Oh! Oh, no!

Thank you very much. My wall! Well, a piece of it anyway.

Jonathan, tell us where their teamwork went wrong.

The blue team make a lovely cancan chorus line and even managed to sort

themselves into height order, for no reason.

They correctly choose a leg hole each.

-I'll go high if you want.

-You go high, I'll go middle, you go bottom.

And Gemma looks like she's leading the line in glorious

fashion taking the highest kick,

but she loses her bottle at the last moment,

pulls her leg away and from there it's a domino effect

and the two boys are left high kicking their way into the water.

They turn the cancan into a can't-can't.

-Two points for Gemma!

-Yeah!

-Joe, your team's up next.

-Yes.

Are you ready to get in shape?

We are ready and already in shape.

-Already in shape, then step up to the play area.

-Let's go, team red!

Lady in the middle. The lady's in the middle.

With me one more time, audience, and bring on the wall!

Three, two, one!

-It's easy! It's easy!

-Good man.

It's wrong, you're going in.

Yes!

Yippee! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

-That's not on.

-Let's see what happened, Jonathan.

Anton, the reds have got to hitch a lift for this hole and while Joe and Kelly are still working out

which way round to hold a map, Chris is straight into position and thumbing for a lift.

They should all be standing in a line,

but the reds prefer to get friendly,

which seems to distract both Kelly and Joe from making the right shape

with their arms and thumbs,

so although they're dry, it's not a complete thumbs up for the red team.

I think that was worthy of 15 points!

15?!

OK, at the end of that round the scores on the floor are...

Oh, Austin's team with 14, but Joe's in the lead with 17!

Now it's time for Round Four, known to its friends as Wonder Wall.

OK, in this round a question and two answers are written on the wall.

Behind the right answer is a hole and behind the wrong answer pain.

Two players have to hope they get the right one because if they do

the wall will pass safely over them and they'll get 20 points. Austin, it's your opportunity to catch up.

You're looking for people with intelligence. Have you spotted any around here lately?

-I'll come on your side. I'm pretty brainy.

-Oh, my God.

-We're all right, Joe, actually.

-I just thought I'd offer my 'elp.

-I think these two should have a go, don't you?

-Do you think?

-Yeah. They're hot to trot.

-They are hot to trot.

-Hot to trot?

-Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes, we are, aren't we? Come on!

-Yes!

-Come on!

-OK, team, step up to the play area.

Come on, blue team. Don't listen to them. Do not listen to him.

-Do not listen to him.

-Listen to what I've got to say.

-Do not listen to him.

And bring on the wall!

Three, two, one!

"Saying the English alphabet backwards, what's the seventh letter, T or U?"

-AUDIENCE:

-T!

-Yes!

-Yippee!

Oh, yeah!

Jonathan, they certainly know their alphabet, even backwards.

Yes, Gemma and Matthew were both clearly the teacher's pet at school

and saying the alphabet backwards is child's play for this pair.

Starting with the letter Z,

count backwards for seven letters, this takes you to T.

On the sidelines, Joe can't contain his pride at knowing the answer.

-It's T!

-Even though he is on the opposite team. What sportsmanship!

There's silence in the classroom as we can almost hear their brains ticking away,

but they choose the correct answer

and that's T for triumphant for team blue, Anton.

Oh, lovely.

Well, I've got to say, Joe, that was excellent putting off.

Give them the right answer, works every time.

20 points!

All right, Joe, you've had a little time to get to know your team.

-Yes.

-Who strikes you as really clever?

-Well, you know what?

-Careful.

-Easy.

Neither of them at the moment, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to send them two up there because

they're the brawn and I'm going to answer the question.

-Because you're the brains?

-Up there for thinking, down there for dancing.

All right, team, are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes, Anton, they are.

-They are?

-They are.

-Are you sure?

-I'm sure.

-You've had a word with them?

-I'm sure.

-I'm sure.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Are you ready?

-OK, step up to the play area.

Go on, team! Go on!

-And bring on the wall!

-Three, two, one!

"'Naked But one' is an anagram of Anton Du Beke. True or false?"

Oh! Oh, no!

Jonathan, "naked but one", how could they?

"Naked but one", indeed, Anton.

Who'd have thought it, but it's true.

All the Reds have to do is unscramble the letters

to see if they also spell the name of our very own leader.

By the looks on their faces, this question has scrambled their minds instead.

Kelly and Chris seemed to sleepwalk towards one door.

Captain Fantastic Joe Swash is asleep on the sidelines too.

Lil' Chris wakes up just in time to realise they've got the wrong answer,

but if there's one way to stay awake it's a cold bath.

Of course it's true! Everyone knows that... Now.

So, no points.

-Unlucky, team.

-Sorry, love. At the end of that cranium crunching round,

the scores on the floor are 17 points for Joe's team,

but in the lead it's 34 points for Austin!

Which means it's time for the final round

before the ogre that is the Great Wall.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

This is the dastardly round that goes by the name of Anton's...

..Twist.

For this round, I was up all night working

on these two devilishly difficult walls with a twist.

Oh, yes, I'm dedicated to my craft.

Our teams will have to be at their very best to beat these beauties,

but if somehow they do manage to defeat them they'll earn a very respectable 30 points.

So, Joe, you're currently in second place.

-Yes.

-Technically you have a one player wall, but really it's a one celebrity and their pet pig wall.

-Pet pig?

-So, who's a big enough ham to take this on?

-Right, well, I'm going to let Chris step up to the play area...

-Are you?

-And look after the pig.

Well, not before, Chris my lovely, you tie this delightful bunch of balloons to your wrist.

-He'll take off, the size of him!

-And your task...

-He's going to take... Hold him down! Hold him!

-The task is to get yourself and Miss Piggy safely through this wall.

-How?

-All right, are you ready to get in shape?

-I guess so.

-Just about.

-All right, step up to the play area.

-Go on!

-Burst them?

-And bring on the wall!

Three, two, one!

Go on, Chris!

Get the pig down! Get the pig down!

Yippee! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Jonathan, what happened to the flying pig?

Well, Chris decided to put the pigs might fly theory to the test.

Both Chris and his pet pig had to safely get through their holes,

which meant Chris had to burst all the other balloons apart from piggy,

to bring home the bacon for the red team.

He burst some of them, but then stops and forgets about piggy who makes a dash for freedom.

Squeals from Chris as he knows he's made a rasher decision

and can't possibly get the whole hog of points.

OK, well, if you had got through with the pig,

you'd have got 30 points,

but you did make a good shape, you did get through, so ten points.

That was good, that was good.

Austin, for you, another one player wall with a slight difference,

it's got two holes.

So, who has the backbone for this?

-Go on, Gemma. You can do it for the team, can't you?

-I'm going to do it.

-Go on, Gem.

-Come on!

-Go on, Gem.

Right, Gem.

To survive this wall you have to fill one hole with building blocks

and then make the shape of the hole on the other side. Are you ready to get in shape?

-I'm ready to get in shape.

-OK, step up to the play area.

-Go on, Gemma. Go on, Gemma.

-And bring on the wall!

Three, two, one!

-It's a triangle!

-Oh, sugar!

-You have to build it there.

-That one's on this side!

-What one?

Oh, no! It's coming!

-Yeah!

-Yippee! Oh, yeah!

Oh, I loved that! Build the wall. Oh, no!

I just went, oh, no! I can't do it.

Jonathan, what about that for wall building?

Car-loving Gemma is a girl who likes to get her hands dirty,

so our building blocks hole should be as easy as pie,

or a triangular slice of pie at least.

She's quickly underway, but quickly in a panic.

Oh, no!

And only manages to move two blocks into entirely the wrong position

before falling to pieces quicker than her construction.

Although tomboy Gemma keeps her overalls dry, she should hang

her hard hat in shame at such bad workmanship.

-That's hard.

-That was easy!

-If it was two blocks to build, and then me get in shape, maybe,

but that was like six... How many was it, five blocks there?

That was terrible building, but your shape was nice. Ten points!

It's all points. You're just chucking point at them.

Chuck points at you, shall I? Here, have these points.

More twisted walls next time, but at the end of that round,

I can tell you that Joe has 27 points,

but with 44 points and the control of the Great Wall it's Austin!

You've all heard of the Great Wall of China.

Well, our Great Wall makes that Great Wall look like a picket fence.

It's a truly awesome structure.

A superfast wall for three players that they all have to get through

in order to win that £10,000 for charity.

But will it be easy peasy or difficult schmifficult?

Austin, you can play or pass the Great Wall, but if you face it and fail,

Joe's team will automatically get the £10,000 for charity.

-Yes!

-So, what's it to be, big boy?

I'll be right back.

-What do you think he's going to do?

-I think he's going to play it.

AUDIENCE SHOUTS

-We've decided, as a team, we're going to have to go!

-Oh! They're going to have a go!

Please be a hard one.

Are you ready to get in shape?

-Yes, we are.

-Step up to the play area.

Bring on the Great Wall!

Three, two, one!

-You've already done that one. I'll go through here.

-Oh, please! Austin, Austin!

-Yeah?

-You've got to go this way. Are you looking at me?

-OK.

Hurrah! Oh, yeah.

Jonathan?

Anton, that's as difficult as it gets, so hats off to the blue team.

Austin's gamble to play pays off.

Somehow they manage to make a shape escape through the Great Wall.

It was a case of history repeating itself for Matthew

as he gets another mouse hole to squeeze through.

Austin goes for the triangle

and he's "polygon" through that like a diving dolphin.

And Gemma holds her nerve as well, ensures their victory and sends the blue army barmy.

-Well done.

-Well done, team.

-Well done.

-Very good. Excellent.

Excellent jumping at the end as well. Marvellous. Well done, team.

You win the £10,000. Who's it going to?

It's going to a very close charity to my heart, it's the White Lodge Centre in Chertsey

who look after disabled adults and children and it's very close to my family.

-I can't say any more.

-Oh, well, that's great.

-I'm over the moon.

-That's fabulous.

We're thrilled we're able to do that. Well done.

That's all for tonight, but we'll be back soon with wall to wall walls.

In the meantime, could the person who left ten green bottles

on one of our walls, please come and collect them?

I'm worried they might accidentally fall. Bye for now.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]