Episode 1 Impractical Jokers

This programme contains some strong language

This is Impractical Jokers, the hidden-camera show

where four friends compete to embarrass each other

in everyday situations.

The jokers are Joel Dommett...

-Get on the love bus, Nico!

-..Roisin Conaty...

-Hello?

-..Paul McCaffrey...

-Bundesliga!

..and Marek Lawood.

Pushing each other to the limit,

they take it in turns to complete embarrassing challenges.

They've got to do or say everything

the other Jokers tell them via a hidden earpiece.

-Shout, "Cat!" and chase an imaginary cat.

-Cat!

But if they refuse, they lose,

and face a humiliating forfeit.

It's a ruthless fight to the finish,

where there's no winners, just a loser.

HE SCREAMS

It's time for challenge one,

and our Jokers are at a hair salon in Edinburgh,

where they'll be taking turns to shampoo customers' hair.

They have to do everything the others tell them to.

But if they refuse, they lose.

First up is pretty boy, Joel.

Joel, get your hands lubed up. You're going to enjoy this.

-PAUL:

-'Shit's about to get heavy.'

Absolute pleasure, I'm Joel. How are you?

Give him a little pat on the bum, Joel.

'Like a football manager. Give him a little pat on the bum.

'Go on!'

-Come on.

-SMACKING SOUND EFFECT

Yeah, yeah. Take a seat. Sorry.

All right, let's just get this temperature right for you.

I know how uncomfortable this can be.

'I've got one in my house.'

I know how uncomfortable these sinks can be.

I've got one in my house.

'I don't use it to wash hair, though.'

I, um...

..don't use it to, er...

to wash hair, though.

I shit in it!

THEY GIGGLE

Mostly, I tend to, erm...

What do you do in it, Joel?

THEY GIGGLE

I tend to shit in it.

Joel, start to dry wretch in the next sink.

'Go on!'

HE SIGHS

SHE GIGGLES

HE WRETCHES

THEY GIGGLE

Joel successfully completes his challenges

and gets himself a pass,

putting pressure on the others when it's their turn.

Next up, it's Roisin.

-Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?

-No, not yet, no.

-Got to try and get the eczema off first.

-Oh, God!

-JOEL:

-'Oh, God!'

So I'm just lathering up my hands.

I just need to...

Get the eczema off.

..try and get some of this eczema off.

-Oh! Oh, no!

-I'm having a really peely Thursday.

THEY HOWL WITH LAUGHTER

Peely Thursday. I'm having a really peely Thursday.

Having a what?

SHE STIFLES LAUGH Peely Thursday.

Sing. Make up a song about how much you enjoy washing hair.

# Claire, Claire

# I have enjoyed washing your hair, Claire

# Claire, Claire

# I love washing your hair... #

-It's made me really wide down there.

-# It's made me really wi... #

THEY LAUGH

So Roisin bottles it at the final hurdle,

and is awarded the day's first fail.

Next up, it's Marek.

There we go.

Tucked in.

'Bend down, Marek,'

and just give her a small peck on the forehead.

'Just a tiny little kiss on the forehead, Marek.'

You're wonderful!

Oh, God!

Come on, Marek! You can do this!

Sorry?

Oh, you!

You're a sweetie!

THEY GIGGLE

ROISIN: 'Play peek-a-boo. Go down quite close to her.'

-Peek-a-boo!

-HE LAUGHS

Now come round the other side of the sink

'and say, "Peek-a-boo!"'

Peek-a-boo!

Do your voice higher when you say, "Peek-a-boo!"

-(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

-Peek-a-boo!

THEY GIGGLE

'And underneath the sink. Wait till we get...'

THEY GIGGLE

-HE ADOPTS LOW VOICE

-Peek-a-boo!

Scary one there!

-PAUL:

-'So now tell her you need to do the front of her hair,'

come round, and sit on her lap.

'Come on, Marek!'

You're going to need to get on the lap if you're going to do the front.

All: Aw!

With Marek refusing to sit on the customer's lap,

he joins Roisin in getting a fail.

Finally, it's Paul's turn.

-Hello, Helen. How you doing?

-Nice to meet you.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, good, thank you.

-Pop yourself down there.

Lovely. Ooh, just pop the knees round you.

OK, let's just get the temperature...

Put the conditioner on and say, "Milky waterfall!"

HE GIGGLES

OK.

Milky waterfall!

SHE GIGGLES

My favourite kind of waterfall!

Whisper it! Whisper it!

-HE WHISPERS

-Milky waterfall!

-HE GIGGLES

-OK.

Very relaxing, this.

Very relaxing.

Slowly fall asleep until your head touches her head.

THEY GIGGLE

And just snorily say, "Waterfalls."

HE SNORES 'Waterfalls.'

Waterfalls.

So Paul completes his challenge and earns himself a pass,

meaning that after the first challenge,

Roisin and Marek are in joint last place

with a fail each.

-I hate blondes!

-What do you think of this guy? I'm really feeling it.

HE LAUGHS

Lovely, isn't it? I feel like an extra Jedward.

-Oh, thanks!

-That's terrible!

What? What are you talking about?

Time for challenge number two,

and the Jokers find themselves at a car dealership,

where they'll be taking turns trying to sell cars.

To avoid getting a fail,

all they have to do is persuade a customer to get inside the boot.

Easy! But remember, whoever has most fails by the end of the show

faces a humiliating forfeit.

First up, it's Joel.

So, er, of course, we've got the ABS as standard on this one.

Erm, electric windows.

I mean, look, there is so much room in here.

So what's the economy of the car?

Erm, that is a great question.

I need to ask Mickey, my manager.

Erm, bear with me two seconds.

I'll go and ask my manager in there. Take a seat in there.

-Shout, "Mickey!"

-Start shouting, "Mickey!"

-HE SHOUTS

-Mickey! Mickey!

Mickey! I've got one in the car!

Mickey!

I've got one in the car, Mickey!

-PAUL:

-'I've got a buyer!'

Mickey, I've got a buyer!

I've got a buyer, Mickey!

-He wants it! He really wants it!

-Mickey, he wants it!

I can see it in his eyes!

Definitely wants it!

-I can see it in...

-HE STARTS TO LAUGH

I can see it in his eyes.

Mickey?

-He's got money!

-He's got money!

He's got money, Mickey!

THEY GIGGLE.

He's loaded! He's cake-o-bake-o.

Mickey! He's cake-o-bake-o!

THEY GIGGLE

I can't find Mickey, but he's, er...

Look under your car for Mickey.

Mickey?

Mickey?

THEY GIGGLE

If you have a test in here, this is one of the best features.

There's absolutely zero chance!

It has an incredible boot.

You can fit at least two people in there.

'Erm...so, I mean...'

jump in. Jump in. Sure you wouldn't like to jump in?

I'll get in.

I'll jump in.

Unlucky, loser!

He hated me!

So that's a fail for Joel.

Next up, it's Roisin's turn.

Hello. Good morning. Is there anything you're interested in?

The DS5? Cool. Well, do you want to get inside

and have a look at the car?

Brilliant.

Buckle up, big boy, let's keep it safe!

At the moment, I have a...

Buckle up, big boy, let's keep it safe!

More than 100 miles at least.

It'll do more than 100 miles, at least.

You'll definitely get 100 miles out of this car.

-No, just in total.

-In total.

It's a nice colour.

You're colour blind?

Bright orange.

It's bright orange, so it might not be for you.

This boot is one of our features.

-You can actually get... MAREK:

-'8,000 litres.'

You can get, like 8,000 litres in there.

Like, honestly. Get in.

Really...yeah, honestly.

Put your leg in. Put your leg in. It's amazing.

If you put your leg in that boot...

-She's going to do it.

-No way!

-She will!

Honestly, get in.

You're not going to get in?

You're not going to get in. OK, well, you know...

Aw!

'Aw!'

Hello. Are you interested in, er...cars?

-Yeah, kind of.

-OK. Could I show you round this one here?

It was going to be called the Citroen Boogabar.

It was going to be called the Citroen Boogabar.

As you can tell, it's brand-new, cos there's no dirt on it at all.

One of the key features is this boot here.

I mean,

if you were to sort of, erm...

get in the boot of the car,

I could give you, like, a 20% discount.

I can get you two tickets to the Odeon if you get in.

If you were to get in there.

THEY GIGGLE

-Sorry, I'm a bit thirsty.

-I'm a bit thirsty after that.

Take the lid off the water and pour it over yourself.

I'm really thirsty. It's quite warm, isn't it?

OK, that's better.

Pour some more water over yourself but do it more sexually.

Get in the boot.

THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

Get...get...

-get in the boot.

-ROISIN: 'Get in the boot!'

That's really cold.

Get in the boot.

-HE YELPS

-Get...get in the boot!

-HE SPLUTTERS

-Oh, please!

OK.

-What's your name?

-Rachel.

I'm Paul. Pleased to meet you.

How you doing? All right?

Shake my other one!

Erm, so...

shake my other one, actually. Try that.

Oh, you've got a strong left hand!

I've been working that baby so hard.

I've been working that baby so hard.

Sorry! I've washed it, though.

-Nice car.

-It's lovely, isn't it? Very comfortable.

-Put your seat back.

-MAREK:

-'Say, "Party time!"'

It's party time!

Ask her to put her hand on the wheel.

Put your hand on the wheel a second.

'And start making car driving noises.'

HE IMITATES CAR

-Beep, beep!

-HE BEEPS HORN

Get some road rage in there.

-HE SHOUTS

-Get out the fucking way!

-You dickhead!

-HE IMITATES CAR

-MAREK:

-'Are you pissed off?'

Yeah!

Let's move on to the boot.

Now...

..look at that boot.

It's quite a big boot, yeah.

I'll tell you what, you say that's quite a big boot, jump in.

No, I'm not doing it! No!

-Check this out!

-No, I'm claustrophobic! No way!

Wa-wa-wahhh!

Trust me, I promise I won't shut the boot. Give it a try.

It is SO comfortable. It is SO...

Oh, God!

I can feel it! No! I can feel it!

'To get the full measure of it. Please! Trust me.'

I will not shut the boot. Just have a sit in there.

You're joking!

She's claustrophobic and she's getting in!

Put your legs just to the side here.

Trust me. Trust me!

I can't believe we got someone with claustrophobia to get into a boot!

So Paul succeeds where the others failed,

and get himself a pass.

At the halfway mark, after two challenges, it's Roisin and Marek

who are trailing with two fails each.

I thought we were going to spend the day at a card dealership.

I thought we were going to have a day at Clinton's.

I was the only one who managed it!

You looked like you were in your natural habitat.

My natural habitat is in the shop, Habitat.

That's two shop-based japes.

-There must be a sale on.

-THEY LAUGH

Challenge number three is the taste test.

The Jokers are running a promotional stand for a new juice drink,

and they must do and say everything the others tell them to.

If they refuse, they lose.

First up, it's Marek.

Would you like to try our free juice samples?

Are you going to try it, or..?

OK. Let's just relax.

Can you start to feel it fizz in your wang?

Can you...

can you start to feel it fizz in your wang at all?

In your wang.

It's, erm...

the wang is just the bit, erm...

it's the taster bit in the throat, here. Upper wang.

THEY LAUGH

And you can taste it in your wang?

And you can taste it in, erm...in your wang?

Kneel directly in front of him,

'put your elbow on his knee.'

What can you taste?

I'll just lean on you, sir.

Strawberry. You think strawberry.

Touch your nose on his knee.

Strawberry...

-THEY LAUGH JOEL:

-'Come on!'

What else? Strawberry and, let me...

Oranges, strawberries...

..lemon...

Yes!

..lime...

..strawberries.

One more!

And, what was the other drink?

Erm...and lime. OK.

'Well, that's, erm...'

..that is comprehensive.

Yeah, comprehensive.

Yeah, the name we're going to have for it is going to be...

Scrotum Potion.

It's, erm...

Scrotum Potion. So that's, erm...

Yeah. You would buy that?

We'll try and find out. Thank you very much.

With his Scrotum Potion,

Marek finally gets his first pass of the day.

Hey, guys. Would you like a little taste?

Can I ask you a few questions about it?

There actually isn't any alcohol in it.

Is that something you'd prefer?

What's more important, length or girth?

So, what...so what is more important, erm...

..what is more important? Er, length?

Or girth?

Erm, the bottle size.

In terms of sort of a juice drink.

Would you prefer the tall ones to a long skinny one?

Or a short...?

Girthy?

It doesn't matter? It's whatever comes out the bottle?

This is incredible for cystitis.

Erm...

this, apparently, is...

..this is...apparently this juice, I mean, we've done tests on it,

and apparently, it is, er...it's incredible for, erm...

..for chesty coughs.

Aw!

So Joel refuses, and in the process, gets a fail.

Would you like to taste it?

I'm very, erm...sensitive to calories.

You're sensitive to calories? This is actually calorieless.

-OK, that's good.

-It's got no calories in it.

This will multiply your shitting power by about eight.

If you drink this, er...

..it will multiply your shitting power by about eight.

Nice! Very nice! Very nice!

The hit you get from this juice is like this.

Pick up an orange.

-No, I haven't done it yet.

-'Take a big bite out of it,'

smack it on your head.

-SHE SNIGGERS

-No, OK, I'm with you.

OK, sure, sure. Oh, weird, OK.

THEY LAUGH 'It's like that.'

Sure, I got you. OK.

You didn't have to do that, but anyway...OK.

-That's what it's like.

-OK.

What is your favourite juice?

Orange juice, natural from Florida.

Tell him that Florida doesn't exist.

OK.

Florida doesn't exist.

-What do you mean, Florida doesn't exist?

-It's a rumour.

All right. I think we're going to end this conversation.

Thanks very much.

You start pretending Florida doesn't exist,

the conversation's over!

SHE GIGGLES

Finally, it's Paul's turn.

Try and make it look a bit less

'like you're working at a pie shop.'

Hi, guys.

We're looking for people

to answer a few questions about flavour.

You big juice fans?

OK, let's get the juice.

Down it, and then start acting hammered.

One for you.

One, two, three.

Wa-hey!

One more, one more!

All right!

Shout, "I don't need Claire!"

Drink! I don't need Claire!

Hit over the side. I don't need her!

-HE SHOUTS

-I don't fucking need Claire!

Start chucking fruit on the floor.

I don't need her! I don't need her!

I don't fucking need her!

Throw all of it on the floor.

I don't need her! I don't need her!

I don't need this job!

Do you think you'd probably buy a bottle of this?

THEY LAUGH

Paul bags his third pass of the day,

meaning that going into the final challenge, it's all to play for,

as Marek, Joel, and Roisin

all have two fails to their name.

But who will lose overall

and end up facing this week's forfeit?

Let's find out, as we head into the final challenge.

The Jokers are in Glasgow, pretending to be lost,

and are asking complete strangers for directions.

Their task, to get a kiss from whoever helps them.

But no kisses means a fail.

It's all to play for.

And first up, it's Roisin.

Excuse me?

-Oh, she's going in!

-Do you know where the station is?

It's just straight down that way?

Oh, that's amazing.

It's so nice to meet you.

THEY LAUGH

-JOEL:

-'It's so weird! No, don't kiss her!'

Don't kiss her! Don't do it!

-THEY GROAN

-Oh, wait!

-JOEL:

-'Oh, that was SO tense!'

That was so tense!

Excuse me, guys, do you know the way to the West-something Art Gallery?

-GIRL:

-'Kelvingrove Art Gallery?'

Kelvingrove Art Gallery!

OK.

It would have been better if she then went for a kiss from him!

-Brilliant. What's your name?

-Zara.

Zara, you're amazing!

You've saved my life. ZARA LAUGHS

Oh, oh!

-JOEL:

-'Oh, scariest eyes of all time!

'Oh, God! So creepy!'

THEY CHEER Boom!

I can't believe it!

'That was brilliant!'

So Roisin gets her kiss, and in the process,

gets herself that all-important pass.

-JOEL:

-'Oh, he's acting!'

-Straight off the bat!

-He's acting! Uh-oh!

THEY LAUGH

I'm so lost!

I need to get to,

I think it's Central Station.

-Oh!

-HE MAKES KISSING NOISE

No, I'm not going to!

THEY WHOOP

-JOEL:

-'He got the backhand slap!'

A slap! That's half a point, surely?

Right, I've got a new technique. I've got a new technique.

Are you local to Glasgow?

I'm just looking...I'm basically, I'm a bit hungry,

and I was just wondering, can you recommend somewhere decent to eat?

The Counting House? Oh, thank you so much. Have a great day.

-JOEL:

-'Oh, he just left it!'

Just left it! He didn't even go for it!

ROISIN: 'He didn't even get his lips to purse!'

I think you've forgotten something!

Paul finally gets his first fail of the day.

But next up, it's Joel.

He has to get a pass in order to avoid facing the forfeit.

That guy!

Excuse me, mate? Sorry, I'm just a little bit lost.

I need to get to the sort of main shopping area.

So, OK, it basically just goes back around the other side?

Oh, mate, you're amazing!

Thank you so much.

-PAUL:

-'Almost! That was really close!'

That man looked so shocked at his own behaviour!

THEY GIGGLE

He was like...urgh!

-Here we go.

-Red scarf.

-'Bread and butter, isn't it?'

-Excuse me?

Hey there, I'm a bit lost.

I was wondering where the main shopping areas are.

I just wanted...

So you do left and then down there?

-Uh-huh.

-You've been so lovely, thank you so much.

THEY GRIMACE

Joel bags that all-important kiss,

putting the pressure on Marek.

If he's to escape the embarrassing forfeit,

he's got to get a pass.

He's going to get a kiss, or he's going to get stabbed!

Hello, ladies!

-HE MIMICS MAREK

-Hello, ladies!

Do you know where the Science Centre is? I'm a bit lost.

The Glasgow Science Centre?

OK, yeah, yeah.

That is brilliant.

Thank you so much. Go on, give us a kiss!

You have to keep going. All the way down.

JOKERS: 'Aw!'

Thank you. Take care.

THEY GIGGLE

Do you know where...I think, the Science Centre?

The Glasgow Science Centre?

Yeah. That's great.

-HE LAUGHS

-Yeah, yeah!

I'll find it, all right!

Follow the river and then I'll hit the Science Centre?

That's really great.

What are you doing? What are you doing now?

-ALL: Oh!

-'Are you taking me to the Science Centre?'

We could just go to the Science Centre now.

-It's turning into a date!

-Oh, you're being so creepy!

-PAUL:

-'He's going with him!'

Let's just have a quick, erm...let's have a quick kiss.

Just a quick one.

Just one kiss?

OK.

All right. Thanks, mate.

Thanks, mate.

'Oh, God! It's so tense!'

-That was horrible!

-So tense!

So Marek fails to get that all-important kiss,

giving him another fail, which puts him in last place.

And now, he's got to face up to the consequences.

Marek, I am SO happy about this!

Yeah, I bet you are.

-I think this might be the best day of my life.

-I'm very excited.

It's either the best or worst day of your life.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

You might slightly enjoy it. Can you get on with it, please?

-Put the blindfold on him.

-Put the blindfold on. Here we go.

Luckily you've got no hair, so it slips over perfectly! Look at that!

You're a bad boy and you deserve to be punished!

There you go.

-Off you go, mate.

-See you later!

So with three losses to his name,

Marek finds himself heading off for his mystery forfeit...

I'm genuinely shitting myself.

-..which will take place at this packed cabaret show.

-Oh, God!

He must be shitting himself!

Oh, God, no!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, God!

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight for one night only,

Marek Lawood is going to become...

a ladyboy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY GIGGLE

How many people are out there?

-BEHIND CAMERA:

-500.

It's all part of the magic, isn't it?

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WOLF-WHISTLES

JOKERS GIGGLE OFF-CAMERA

He's got good legs!

Oh, mate!

He loves it! Look at that! Trying to pretend that he doesn't like it!

BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYS

-JOEL:

-'This is amazing!'

ROISIN: 'Oh, my God!'

AUIDENCE CHEERS

He's done that before!

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WOLF-WHISTLES

Oh, excellent work, Marek! That was brilliant!

I'd like to say to you, Paul, Roisin, and Joel,

you're all in serious trouble.

I got felt up on the way up as well,

by a few women in their fifties.

Do you know what? Fuck off.

That's all from Impractical Jokers this week.

Next time, there's some embarrassing dancing...

..some big words confuse Marek...

The word you need to get them to repeat is logjammer.

..and Paul smells something he shouldn't have.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd