Episode 1 Impractical Jokers

This programme contains some strong language

Let's party.

This is the brand-new series of Impractical Jokers,

the hidden camera show where four comedians compete

to embarrass each other in everyday situations.

The jokers are - Joel Dommett.

I'm a reputable comedian.

Roisin Conaty.

Come on!

Paul McCaffrey.

-And Marek Larwood.

-I can lick myself like a cat.

Pushing each other and their friendships to the limit...

You're making me go large.

..they take turns in awkward and embarrassing challenges.

They've got to do and say everything the other Jokers tell them

via a hidden earpiece...

Proper snog. Keep your lips on each other.

..or they'll face a humiliating forfeit.

They've run out of paper in here.

It's a ruthless fight to the finish, where there's no winner,

just a loser.

Aaah!

Today the Jokers are working at a Glasgow foot spa

as beauty therapists.

It's a... It's a cat shit.

Maggie!

And their challenge is to do and say everything

the other Jokers tell them.

Now get on the floor like a dog and just scratch your bum.

-Because...

-If we refuse, we lose.

Footloose. It's a film.

-Let's go touch some people up.

-Yes.

First up, it's Joel.

His teeth are so white.

-Have you had them done?

-No.

-You lying bastard.

-You've definitely had them done.

-No.

-Do the teeth again.

-Oh, my God! Aah!

Go on, Joel.

Take a seat. You're my first punter of the day.

-Oh, am I?

-Yeah. Do you think my teeth are white?

-They're white.

-They're very white. People say they're white.

I've had my batty bleached as well.

Say it, Joel.

I've, erm...

I've, er...

I've had my... Had my batty bleached as well.

You've got great feet. Love your feet.

'What do they taste like? Have a little lick, Joel. Lick it.'

Oh, my God.

'Come on, man.'

Lick it! Lick it!

'There we go! There we go!'

Aaah!

Delicious.

Say, "That's a blast from the past!

"Your big toe looks like my cousin's dinkle."

Your erm...

'Come on, man.'

Your, your big...

'Where have you seen that toe before?'

Joel refuses to carry out his instructions,

and in the process gets himself his first fail of the day.

If you just want to put your shoes there and take a seat.

I've got a feeling very soon you're going to be staring

de-feet in de-face. Get it? Staring de-feet in de-face?

So, say erm... "Sitting in these seats is a bit like potty training."

Sitting in these seats...

It's so funny when you sit in these seats, it's like...

Feels a bit like potty training.

Now in a baby's voice say, "Daddy, I done a poo-poo."

-'Come on.'

-'Come on, Roisin.'

BABY'S VOICE: Daddy, I done a poo-poo.

"I've left a brown trail in the bath again"

BABY'S VOICE: I've left a brown trail in the bath again.

Roisin, tell him to not worry if he gets an erection,

it's perfectly natural.

'Say it.'

Go on, Roisin, you can do this. You can do this.

If you feel... If you...

-Is she going to say it?

-Is she going to do it? No.

Roisin refuses, so she loses and gets herself a fail.

Next up it's Paul.

Let's get this show on the road, Tara, OK? Total feet.

Total feet.

-It really is a nice smell, isn't it, that?

-It is.

Start smelling her feet.

-Mmm.

-'Closer.'

'Closer.'

'Work your way up the leg.'

'Come on, Paul, you can do it.'

Mmm.

'Keep going. Work your way up.'

Mmm!

'Come on, Paul!'

Mmm...

Oh, no! No, no, no! No way.

'Edinburgh's where I did my training.'

Edinburgh's where I did my training.

'Chin massage. The Chinese technique.'

That's where I learned to chin massage.

It's a Chinese technique. Do you know about the chin massage?

Now, you'll feel this. My chin massages the key areas.

Is that good?

Erm...

Is that good?

-It's... It's strange.

-This is three years of training.

Chinny, chinny, chinny!

So Paul delivers the goods and gets a pass. Finally, it's Marek.

Go on, then, Marek. Let's massage these fucking feet.

Say it.

Get the water and let's massage these fucking feet.

-Just do a bit of exfoliation first.

-Don't do...

-You need cream to exfoliate, you'll hurt her.

-OK.

I'll put the cream on first. I forgot. OK.

'Raw feet!

'Put loads on your hand until it's such a big pile.

'don't stop until we say stop.

'Keep your eyes on her.

'Just be looking at her while you're doing it.'

Now speed up. Speed up. Pump harder.

'Looking at her. Eye contact.'

OK.

Keep looking at her, looking at her.

'Looking at her.

'Keep looking at her.'

'Look up. Look up.'

Don't know if that's the right one, actually.

You've got some cream on your nose.

Wipe it with your hand.

Have I got it?

Look at her face!

Just sit back and relax.

So Marek successfully follows all his instructions

and gets a pass, too.

Meaning that after the first challenge Roisin and Joel

are joint losers with one fail each.

Remember, the Joker with the most fails at the end of the show

will face a humiliating forfeit.

We're here in sunny Scotland and we're going to be making some

pretty public announcements with this megaphone.

I am looking for an open relationship.

The thing is, we have absolutely no control over what we're going to say,

as it won't be our own voices coming through the megaphone,

it will be the voices of the other Jokers.

My name's Joel Dommett.

But if we pull the megaphone away before the finish, we lose.

First up with the megaphone, it's Roisin.

Hi Roisin, how you feeling?

OK, Roisin, if you can just get the megaphone up to your mouth,

please, that'd be fantastic.

Thank you so much.

'Hello, everybody!

'My name's Roisin.

'Is this a bloody wind-up?

'I'm a star, I've worked the cruise ships,

'I've done the holiday camps and now look what I've been resorted to.

'I'm out here selling chicken!'

CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN

'I was going to be the king!

'The king of Cunnilingus City.

'I am currently urinating down my upper thigh.

'Please, someone help me.

'And it comes out at an incredible volume.

'Upper calf now.

'Ankle. Socks. Trainers.

'It's OK, it's OK. I'm finished.

'Thank you very much for not helping.'

Well done, Roisin.

Well done! I'm crying!

So by keeping the megaphone up for the whole announcement,

Roisin gets a pass.

Next up, it's Joel.

-Are you nervous, Joel?

-Very nervous.

-You should be nervous.

-Don't let anyone punch me in the face.

-He looks like a little model out there.

-I'm not a model.

I'm a reputable comedian.

What voice should I do for Joel, do you think?

Ray Winstone. Ray Winstone.

-JOEL:

-No, people are going to... We're in Scotland.

Shut up and put the megaphone up.

''Scuse me, everyone, my name's Joel Dommett.

'I'm just about to take a souvenir photo

'and I'd really appreciate it if you could clear the immediate area.

'I really like this place, but I just think that a lot

'of your faces don't fit in with the beautiful buildings and architecture.

'It's like a load of ugly aliens have invaded.

'I'm not angry with you, I pity you.

'You probably spend most of your life being sick in bins.

'Just please, please move or look away.

'Anyone who's attractive, and by that I mean if you look like me,

'you can stay and maybe you can come back to mine afterwards,

'cos we need to repopulate this place with normal looking people.

'That is all. Good night.'

-Wow!

-Can't believe he held it there.

With Joel seeing it out to the end, he avoids a fail.

Next up, it's Marek.

-It's actually really scary, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-You feel quite vulnerable, don't you?

-Yeah.

Put it to your mouth.

Here we go.

'Ladies and gentlemen.

'My name is Marek Larwood.

'I have come with a message. Please listen to me.

'It is very, very important.

'I am the first man to get pregnant with a child.

'Look at my belly. In here is a child.

'I had sex with an Alsatian.

'Today I have chosen your town to give birth to this child,

'as I hear you are a friendly people.

'I am now going to squeeze baby out of my wiener.

'Please look after my baby if I die.

'Please clap your hands if you will look after my baby Alsatian.

PEOPLE CLAP AND CHEER

'Thank you.

'That is all I have to say.'

So Marek joins the others with a pass.

Finally, it's Paul.

Is there anything in particular you don't want us to talk about, Paul?

Oh, whatever, man, just get it over and done with.

-Who's your favourite football team, Paul? Southampton, right?

-Yeah.

Southampton. So you definitely don't like Portsmouth.

Mate, let's just not go there, please.

How would you feel if we talked about your favourite football club

Portsmouth, Paul?

Joel, seriously, let's talk about something else.

Ready, Paul?

'Hello.

'My name is Paul and I am looking for an open relationship.

'I do not know my arse from my elbow,

but last night I think I put my finger in my elbow.

'I still live with my parents

'and they are fully supportive of my fetish for men that look

'just like me, but with better hair, a bigger dong and a deeper elbow.

'Please! Someone love me!

'There must be someone there for me.

'I love everybody.

'Especially people from my favourite town and football club

'Portsm...

-Oh, he's out! He's out. Aww!

-We spoke about this.

Show's over.

So Paul removes the megaphone from his mouth early

and in return gets himself a big fail.

-That was terrifying.

-"Oh, I'm so scared!"

-Yeah, well, I was.

-Why are you scared of everything?

-Because...

Who's this? "Oh! Oh!"

Well, a man who knows danger when he sees it.

"This is the scariest street I've ever walked down."

"These are the scariest trousers I've ever put on."

"This is the scariest day of my life."

Yeah, I've actually got a sensitive...

BABY CRIES

-There's someone as scared as Joel!

-Oh, my God!

At the end of the second challenge, Roisin, Paul

and Joel are level with one fail each.

Now we're here in Alloa working in a bakery.

There's going to be all kinds of cake-based japes.

No-one wants to hear about me buns! Word!

In this challenge the Jokers behind the counter have to do

and say everything we tell them.

-Big kiss.

-Lovely to meet you.

And if we refuse, we lose.

First up, it's Paul.

-'Oh, my God, look at him.'

-'Look at him go.

'Turns out that the same person who ate all the pies,

'baked all the pies.'

Whatever they ask you for, say, "They're mine."

Oh, they're mine.

I didn't mean to leave those out. Sorry, can I get you something else?

Oh, they're mine, though...I'm afraid.

I didn't think I'd put those out.

I'm really sorry. They're for my lunch.

You can buy these and these. That's pretty much it I'm afraid today.

The rest are mine.

So, what do you want? One of these?

You would like a French Fancy, OK.

And have a bite of it as well.

Oh, can I just have the corner of that?

Say, "You're going to enjoy that."

You're going to love that.

What?

I just tested it for you.

Anything else?

Another French Fancy.

'Same thing again, please.'

OK, one more French Fancy.

I'd stick with that one if I were you.

Paul successfully completes his challenge, earning himself a pass.

Next up behind the counter, it's Roisin.

Have I only got one apple pie left? Yeah.

Now shout, "Brian! Get some apples!"

Brian, get some apples!

There's only one apple pie left.

'I can't believe this.'

I can't believe this.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

Can someone get some apples?

'Someone call someone.'

Someone call someone!

Brian, we need some apples!

'This happened yesterday!' Get cross about it. Apples!

It's apples!

Apples!

'There's only one left!'

There's only one left! Apples!

Is anyone even listening to me?

I'm so sorry, sir. I'm so sorry.

£1.79, please. There you go.

-Thanks very much.

-Thank you very much.

-Really big one this time.

-Really big.

-"Brian!"

BRIAN! APPLES!

That is fucking fantastic.

Roisin liked their apples and joins Paul with a pass.

Next up, Joel.

Hi there, sir, can I help?

-Four of those.

-Anything else for the beard?

Is there anything else for the beard?

Four morning rolls.

See if you can try and touch his beard.

Grab the beard.

That's two morning rolls in that one. That's two beard touches.

Boop boop!

Whisper to him, "In the woods."

-In the woods.

-Oh.

Two more morning rolls. There we go. Boop boop!

Thank you.

Joel is also successful and joins the other two with a pass.

Last up, it's Marek, looking for his third pass in a row.

Hello, sir, how can I help you?

I beg your pardon?

Act really camp, Marek, and make everything an innuendo.

Three morning rolls, get you.

Three, is it?

I bet it is.

There we go. Three tight buns.

They're nice and warm. OK, 81 pence. Stop it.

There's two...

Four, stop it. Five. Ten.

Super, thank you.

Don't think he liked me.

Hello, how may I help you?

OK.

'Down underneath the counter there is some caster sugar.

'Put it all on your face and then pop back up.'

Two doughnuts.

Thank you. How much is that all together?

Marek successfully carries out his instructions and earns another pass.

So going into the final challenge, Roisin, Paul and Joel are level,

and if any of them fail the next hit,

they'll face a humiliating forfeit.

We Jokers have a few things in common.

One of those is that we all have noses.

Now, we're going to put them to good use by planting them

on complete strangers, a bit like this.

The challenge is to nose one member of the public as many

times as possible.

Wee...

And the least number of nosings loses.

First up to nose a stranger is Marek.

This is going to be so uncomfortable to watch.

-Is this the front or the back?

-Front I think.

Oh, nose! Oh, nose! Oh, nose!

Oh, nose!

Oh, no!

Don't stand on them!

Oh, nose! This is all...

This is always happening.

Get another one, Mark. Go back in.

Oh, nose.

'Go back in! Go back in!

'Go back in. Do it.'

-'Softly.'

-'Softly does it.'

Oh... Nose.

Sorry. Sorry about that.

-It's all right.

-It's nice to meet you.

Marek manages to nose someone four times,

meaning that's the score to beat to avoid getting a fail.

Next up, Paul. He must beat Marek's score to avoid this week's forfeit.

Fantastic.

Ah, mate, where did you get that from?

Oh, my God. He's on, he's on.

Not the clothes. You're confident! No, this here.

That, right, literally,

I drank six cans of that at a party last week and I was like...

Oh, my God!

What a sight! How many cans have you drunk of that in one night?

I drank six once and I was literally like...

He looks like a mental eagle.

-Get more, Paul.

-Oh, my God, he's going!

What film are you going to see?

Er, Alpha Papa..

It's supposed to be amazing.

Oh, just before you go, do you know where the McDonalds is?

-Is it just...?

-You have to go, like...

-Have a good day, guys, yeah?

-They left the cinema.

Paul scores a massive 11 nosings, meaning he's safe from the forfeit.

Next up is Roisin.

She must also beat Marek's score of four or face the forfeit.

-What film are you going to see today, Roisin?

-The Night I Killed Marek.

-Oh, right.

-What rating is that?

PG. No-one cares.

I'm scared.

-'Roisin, you can do this.'

-'Come on.'

Your nose would look lovely against that pink jacket.

'Oh, she's doing it. Oh, my gosh.'

Sorry. Have you got Chanel on?

-Er...no.

-I like it.

-What perfume is it?

-It's er...

'Oh, she's...'

-Great, she's going. Look at this!

-It's amazing!

It's er...

-What's it called?

-Miss Dior.

Miss Dior, yeah. Oh, I love that one, yeah.

-Wow, you got a proper stride on there, Roisin.

-That was good.

-I've never seen you walk so fast in all of my life.

-Cos I'm scared.

Roisin scores four and is tied with Marek,

but because she has more fails over all,

she's currently facing this week's forfeit.

Finally, it's Joel, and if he doesn't beat Roisin's score,

then he'll be today's loser and the forfeit's his.

'This is your favourite thing, isn't it, Joel?'

'Looking for a good nose.'

I'm really scared.

-'He's really scared.'

-It feels really impolite.

'Oh, my God, he looks so tense.'

'Joel, remember, there's nothing to fear but fear itself.'

And being punched in the face.

'Go on, Joel!'

'How's he going to play this? How's he going to play this?

'Straight in, bang! He didn't even know!'

Come back!

'Oh, God, he's coming back again.'

You've been spotted.

'Joel's got the worst technique.

'You're just going to have to run in at him.'

'Go on, Joel!'

'Touch it. I nose you can do this, Joel.'

'Here we go.'

'He's going in, he's going in, he's going in...'

Good work. Right, here we go. We're done. We're done.

So Joel bottles it and gets only two nosings, the lowest score of all...

..which means, with two fails to his name,

Joel is this week's loser and must now face the consequences.

-Oh!

-Why do you look like you've got sexually transmitted diseases?

-I need a wee really badly.

-I'm just trying to hold it in!

-Oh, that's what it is.

-I'm busting for the toilet but I can't go in

-cos you've gotta go in there.

-Is Joel first in the queue?

-Yeah. But you need a number two, right?

-What?

Your forfeit is to go into that toilet, pull your trousers down...

-But is there toilet roll? Did you...?

-No, there's none left!

You have to open the door and get a member of the public

to give you some toilet roll. You've eaten your veggies, right?

Oh, no. You know how I feel about defecation.

SONG: "Skip To The Good Bit" by Rizzle Kicks

What's it like in there, Joel? Ready?

Erm, the...atmosphere is palpable.

Oh, God, the toilet seat is cold.

'Open the door now, Joel. You need to get some toilet paper.

'You need to have your trousers down and shout out,

'"I need some toilet paper."'

-It feels so weird...

-'Yep.'

..to have you talking to me whilst I'm holding my penis.

'Go, go, go!'

-'Open the door!'

-'Go, go!'

Sorry...

Erm...

Erm, sorry, has anyone... Er, excuse me, has anyone...

They've run out of paper in here. Has any one got any er...?

Has anyone got any sort of er any paper or tissues?

Newspaper?

Has anyone got anything?

I really need some...

-Yeah, yeah.

-You've got some paper? Dude, you're an absolute...

The Financial Times. Only the best. Thank you so much.

Have you read this already? I don't want to give it back.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you so much, guys. Thank you.

-That is so horrific.

-The FT!

-Joel, you can get out, mate.

-It's self-cleaning, Joel. Get out.

I'd love it if he was in there when it started...

Oh, no, get out, Joel. Get out.

-Have you washed your hands, Joel?

-I actually haven't.

This has been against... This has been against penis.

It's good to know that people were there to help out, though, was it?

Yeah, I mean, it was nice he gave me the Financial Times.

-How would that feel against skin?

-Terrible, actually, it was terrible.

I much prefer the Sun.

-Were you scared?

-That was...

That's the most scared I think I've been so far.

That's all for Impractical Jokers this week.

Next time, the Jokers do sensitivity training at work...

I think Roisin was actually just sick in her mouth.

..become receptionists and reveal shocking secrets.

My shits are completely transparent.