Episode 2 Impractical Jokers

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Let's party.

This is the brand-new series of Impractical Jokers,

the hidden-camera show where four comedians compete to

embarrass each other in everyday situations.

The jokers are...

-Joel Dommett...

-I'm a reputable comedian.

LAUGHTER

..Roisin Conaty...

Come on!

-..Paul McCaffrey...

-HE LAUGHS

-..and Marek Larwood.

-I can lick myself like a cat.

Pushing each other and their friendships to the limit...

You're making ME go large.

..they take turns in awkward and embarrassing challenges.

They've got to do and say everything the other jokers tell them

via a hidden earpiece.

Proper snog. Keep your lips on each other.

Or they'll face a humiliating forfeit.

They've run out of paper in here.

It's a ruthless fight to the finish, where there is no winner, just a loser.

Ahhhh!

Today, we're working as receptionists in this office building.

I told you to shut up!

And our challenge is to greet people that come in by doing

and saying everything the others tell us to do.

Go over and sniff his seat.

And if we refuse, we lose.

# Conga, conga, conga! #

First up, it's Joel.

-Great shot, Joel.

-Fail.

Things are not going well for Joel at the agency.

PHONE RINGS

Someone's at the door.

-I'm panicking. What do I do?

-Act like a receptionist.

Hey, guys. How are you doing? Take a seat on the sofa.

Be with you in a few minutes.

-What do you both do for a living?

-Students.

-You're students.

-What do you study?

-Literature.

-Literature! Nice! Nice.

-I'm writing a book at the moment.

-I'm writing a book at the moment, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's about a guy who snaps his own dick and has to work as a receptionist.

It's... It's about this guy... It's...

Um...

About a guy that...

-ROISIN:

-'Snaps his own dick.'

-He snaps his own dick and then...

becomes a receptionist.

It still hurts, as well.

Trust me.

PHONE RINGS

When you answer it, change your voice to Japanese.

Hello?

TALKS GIBBERISH IN JAPANESE ACCENT

ROISIN: 'Pointing at them, looking really angry.'

TALKS GIBBERISH ANGRILY

Throw stuff on the floor and get really angry.

SHOUTS ANGRILY

And then just point at your groin and say in English, "Snapped dick!"

SHOUTS GIBBERISH

Snapped dick!

'And hang up.'

I think they're ready for you in there now, so you can go on in.

Joel successfully carries out his instructions

and scores his first pass of the day.

Next up is Marek.

-Hello, Marek.

-I'm just trying to write my to-do list.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello?

-What's your name, please?

-Omar.

-Omar.

-O-M-A-R.

-OK, if you'd come up to the desk now, please.

Come to the desk now, please.

Just take a seat for a second. Sorry, just take a seat. Sorry.

Sorry.

OK, if you could just come over to the desk now, please.

OK, come to the desk now, please.

Just take a seat and we'll be ready for you in a second.

We'll be ready for you in a second if you just take a seat.

'Do it again.'

OK, mate, if you'd like to come over to the desk now, please.

-'Are you going to do it? Go on, Marek!

-You can do it.'

'OK, if you'd like to come over to the desk now, please.'

Would you like to come over to the desk, please?

-OK...

-I'm guessing you want me to go back.

-Yeah, sit down.

-'Yeah, that's it!'

'One more, and this time I want you to keep him at the desk.'

Last time, please - come to the desk, please. Thank you.

PHONE RINGS

'Get that, Marek.'

-Hello, reception.

-'Say, "I've got my dick out behind the desk."'

LAUGHTER

"I've got my wanger out."

Mm-hm.

Take a seat, actually.

-CRIES OF DERISION,

-'Come on, Marek!'

Marek's refusal gets him his first fail of the day.

Next up is Paul.

He looks like he thought to himself,

"I can get another 20 years out of this school uniform."

HE LAUGHS

Paul, your sideburns have gone all curly.

You tosser!

That's... That's... Please!

Hi, there. How are you doing?

Would you like to take a seat on the sofa or one of these two chairs?

You're going to turn around and give yourself a bit of a pep talk.

'Come on, Paul.

'I've been to reception school.'

OK, you've been to reception school. Just come on, OK?

-You were born to be a secretary.

-You were born to be a secretary.

Just do this, OK? Come on.

Just take the name. Don't be nervous about it. Everything is fine.

Sorry, could I just take your name, please?

Turn around and say, "I don't know how to spell it."

I don't know how to spell it.

Just ask for the spelling. It's fine.

You can do this.

OK, sorry, how do I spell that?

S-L-E-P...

-E-Y.

-E-Y. Sorry.

You idiot.

You idiot!

You've really embarrassed yourself. You're the best in the business...

You got out of hairdressing for a reason.

You got out of hairdressing for a reason.

'She's not staring at your sideburns.'

She's not staring at your sideburns. They're straight.

Don't get paranoid.

Say, "Do you think my sideburns have gone curly?"

Sorry, have my sideburns gone curly?

Not really, no.

Paul does as he is told and earns himself a pass.

Finally, it's Roisin.

-Do some typing practice.

-I'm really good at typing.

Come in.

Hello, if you'd like to take a seat.

Now, Roisin, I want you to slide off your chair onto your back,

then slide yourself along the floor past him,

and as you pass him look up and ask him if he wants a cup of tea.

'Come on, Roisin.

'You can do this.'

This is so weird.

Go for it.

'Come on.'

-Come on, Rosin.

-Don't be a stroppy-moppy.

-'She's going to do it.

-Oh, what?! Oh, my God!'

'That's not laying on your back!'

-Would you like a cup of tea?

-No, I'm OK, thank you.

-Sure?

-Coffee?

-No, thank you.

-Water?

'Back to the desk. Watch the edge of the desk!'

'Nice!'

Do you want to go through the door? They'll see you now.

Roisin successfully follows her instructions and gets a pass.

Meaning that after the first challenge,

Marek is losing with one fail.

We are here in Glasgow's Botanical Gardens

and we've got to get people's attention by going, "Psst!"

"Psst! Come here!

"I've got a secret."

But we don't know what it is until the other jokers tell us.

The challenge is, that when we share the secret, they have to share a secret in return.

-Anything you want to tell me?

-And if we don't get one in return...

Not really.

..we fail.

First up, it's Joel.

Psst!

Psst!

I've got a secret.

'Oh, poor old Pink Pocket.'

-He wasn't interested.

-This guy walking down, run over to him.

Psst!

-What are you doing, Joel?

-Just getting in the bushes.

-That's not going to work.

-Bad idea, Joel. I've tried that many times.

-ROISIN:

-If they're not stopping for you walking,

they won't stop for you in a bush.

Yeah, good luck, mate.

Psst!

Hey, psst!

-Are you talking to me?

-I've got a secret!

-Yeah? What's your secret?

'I like it when I find hair in food.'

'I love it when I find hair in food.'

That's a very lovely thing to do!

Have you got any secrets you want to share with me?

I have a lot of hair on my asshole.

'That was a great secret, man.'

-That was an absolutely great secret.

-Not many people like hair in their food.

My food, your arsehole - perfect!

-ROISIN:

-'Amazing.'

So Joel bags himself a secret and a pass.

Next up, it's Roisin.

-'Come on, Roisin! You look the most approachable of all of us.

-Absolutely.'

Once we get to know you, you're the LEAST approachable!

Approach THAT!

'Here you go, this guy.'

Psst!

-Can I tell you a secret?

-'I've got level 3 bot-rot.'

I've got level 3 bot-rot.

I've got level 3 bot-rot.

-Have you got a secret? Anything you want to share?

-None today!

-Not today.

Psst!

I've got a secret.

-What?

-I've got a secret.

Everything I'm wearing is stolen.

Everything I'm wearing is stolen.

-That's a good secret!

-It's a good secret? Have you got a secret?

'Come on!'

He's going to do it.

You're also wearing a stolen jacket?

So Roisin gets a secret, and in the process earns herself a pass.

Next up it's Marek.

'Oh, look, he's got his slide on.

'Look at him go!'

Confident!

What do you think, flies up or down?

Psst! Psst!

Psst! Psst! I've got a secret!

It's really important I tell you.

-'My real name is Frank 'n' Cense.'

-My real name is Frank 'n' Cense.

Have you got any secrets?

No? None at all?

What about you? Any secrets?

-'I've got another secret.'

-I've got another secret.

I once texted the Queen a picture of my nuts.

I once texted the Queen a picture of my nuts.

-Go on! Have you got any secrets?

-Like these nuts?

-Similar...

There weren't as many as there.

Psst! Psst!

-I've got a secret.

-Yeah?

-My shits are completely transparent.

-My shits are completely transparent.

-Right, good!

-Have you got any secrets?

-No!

-You can't even see them!

It's a nightmare for me! Watch out! You're standing on one now!

So Marek doesn't get a secret from a stranger, so gets himself a fail.

Finally, it's Paul.

Excuse me.

I've got a secret.

-ROISIN:

-'I nicked your car.'

-I nicked your car.

-What kind is it?

A Toyota.

Wrong.

Siesta? That's not even a car, is it?

Psst!

I've got a secret.

My hands are glued to my junk.

My hands are glued to my junk.

-Have you got any secrets?

-No.

-Nothing?

-Nothing of interest.

It doesn't have to be interesting, just any secret.

-CRIES OF DERISION

-He failed!

So no secret for Paul, and as a result he gets himself a fail.

Meaning that after two challenges, Paul has one fail

but Marek is the current loser with two.

Hello, there.

Today, we've been paired off to give a Sensitivity In The Workplace presentation.

You're sacked, sexy.

Problem is, we've written the presentations for each other.

So we have absolutely no idea what's in them. Let's get going.

At the end we'll ask the group to rate our presentations,

and the pair with the lowest score loses.

First up...are Joel and Paul.

HE READS SLOGAN

What we're going to do now, we're going to

resolve the following sensitive scenarios via role-play. OK?

MAREK LAUGHS

-Go on, just make it up, guys.

-It's very dark. Joel...

I'll pretend I'm sat down, yep.

I had done my business thinking that I was just...

..on the toilet.

Pffrt, pffrt!

-And I'm like, "Well..."

-Oh!

"I'm already in the disabled toilet."

I'm so sorry, Joel, I really didn't know you were in here,

obviously the lights aren't working.

Please, if you'd like to send me

a receipt for the dry cleaning, I'm happy to reimburse you.

Erm, you know what? We all make mistakes. We all make mistakes.

-Let's see how they get out of this one.

-Let's just play this.

-Hello.

-That's Joel's mum, Paul.

You look really lovely today.

-Thank you.

-I mean...REALLY lovely.

-Thank you!

-I'd just like to congratulate you on your new promotion.

-Thank you.

Well done. But I wanted to say, REALLY well done.

LAUGHTER AND SEDUCTIVE MUSIC

Not well done!

-ROISIN:

-I can't believe you're snogging Joel's mum.

Eugh!

Well done.

-He looks like he's going to cry!

-He looks what? He looks seedy?

How you feeling, Joel?

Yeah, that's, eh, it's an interesting scene.

An interesting scene there with, you know... Cos that...

HE STUMBLES OVER HIS WORDS

I mean, wow, that really happened, didn't it? That really happened.

That really is graphic. Thank you for listening.

And just give us a rating based on what you

-feel like you've learnt today.

-They blind-sided them.

-They'll get a two.

-Four fours and a three - 19.

Paul and Joel score 19 points, so Marek and Roisin

will have to score higher to avoid a fail.

-All right, Marek?

-Yeah, I'm fine, mate, just...

-How's it going, Marek, all right?

-Yeah, yeah...

-Yeah?

-Yeah, all right, thanks.

-You all right?

-Yeah, not too bad.

Yeah, nice one.

Next up...are Marek and Roisin,

who need to score more than 19 to beat Joel and Paul.

-A happy workplace is a productive workplace.

-I agree with that, do you?

Yeah, I agree with that, I'm really happy right now.

-OK, erm...

-It's good to laugh.

-All agree?

ALL: Yes.

-Everyone feel happy? Good.

-Sometimes it's not good to laugh.

Eg...

I went for a job recently, I didn't get the promotion,

I felt quite upset, I didn't want to hear jokes,

sometimes you don't want to laugh.

What's the third one, Marek?

At your boss's...eh, your boss's...

giant gonads.

BOTH: Yes!

Well, sometimes, it's... People...

It's very difficult and very sensitive.

Yeah, but we need to know why though.

Because...

Some people, it gives them confidence.

Because they think, "I wish people would stare."

-Do you sometimes feel like that?

-No.

-JOEL:

-'Ah, here's something sensitive for you guys to explain.'

SHEEP BLEATS

-Uh...

-Oh, my God.

-That is, uh...

-What is that, Marek?

-'Mmm, good music.'

-I don't know what...

MUSIC: "Don't stop (Wiggle Wiggle)" by the Outhere Brothers

That's a goat coming out of, erm... I mean, it looks terrific, but...

Quite a beautiful, beautiful moment.

Think Roisin was actually just sick in her mouth.

JOEL LAUGHS LOUDLY

-OK?

-Yes.

-PAUL:

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Let's move on to the next one.

So, in conclusion, Roisin, do you want to just take everyone through the conclusions for today?

-Sensitivity. It makes sense...

-Itivity.

-That's beautiful.

-It's amazing.

That's a great sentiment, really nice.

If you could just mark us on what you thought

so we can report back to our colleagues.

Just mark out of five at the bottom, that's the most important thing.

I think they'll be lucky to get five from all, like, added together.

-Two fives.

-BOTH: What?!

-Your final score please, gents.

-Another five, that's 18.

This is unbelievable!

22, thank you very much.

-Unbelievable, unbelievable.

-22 points.

So Marek and Roisin beat Joel and Paul,

earning them a pass...and the other two a fail.

Meaning that after the third challenge,

Marek and Paul are level on two fails each, and should

either of them fail the final challenge, they'll face the forfeit.

You can never find a pencil when you need one.

MAREK: That is why, out of the goodness of our own hearts,

we're planting pencils on complete strangers.

The challenge is to stick as many as we can on one single stranger

without getting caught.

-And the Joker who sticks the fewest pencils loses.

-Aww.

-First up, it's Roisin.

-So terrifying.

It is.

Which one of these people do you reckon will be easily LEAD(?)

Ah. Great one.

-That's a baggy coat.

-So many pockets.

If you don't get at least five in there,

your pencil putting in pocket days are over.

PAUL LAUGHS

It's really stressful.

-Go, go, go, go, go!

-ALL: Aww!

Come on, there! He's there!

There we go. There's a hood, there's a hood.

I hate it.

-Deep breaths, deep breaths.

-Now give her a fucking pencil.

Oh... Thought this one was good, she hasn't clocked you.

Here we go.

ALL: Ohh...

THEY MURMUR AND LAUGH

She's had enough, ugh!

-One pencil! What is that?

-That's less than two pencils.

That is actually less than two pencils.

That's less than three pencils.

Nerves get the better of Roisin, but she did get one pencil,

meaning that's the amount to beat to avoid a fail.

-Next up, it's Paul.

-You look like some sort of military leader.

Like Napoleon on his day off.

I've listened to all sorts of shit - butchers, dart players...

-Napoleon!

-But, Dommett, I have to draw the line at Napoleon, mate.

Come on, Paul, put some pencils in him.

Don't talk to him, just do it, I reckon.

Oh, sorry...

Oh, busted.

-Pencil her up, pencil her up!

-See the passion cake?

Ugh, we got carrot cake, is that just along there?

Is it...? Hold on, passion cake.

We got Cinnabon, wait there one second.

Passion fruit cake, Victoria sponge.

Lemon cake there. Are you going to get the carrot cake instead?

-I want the passion one.

-You want the passion one, hold on.

-Who's in charge?

-Who's in charge, who's in charge of the baking?!

They've all gone home, bloomin' hell.

-Well done, mate, fucking hell.

-Absolute skills.

Paul gets five pencils, beating Roisin and earning him

a potential forfeit-avoiding pass.

Next up, it's Joel,

who needs to beat Roisin's total of one pencil to avoid a fail.

Oh, my God, go, go, go.

Two.

Getting too cocky, too cocky, three.

A spin? Do a spin.

THEY LAUGH LOUDLY

Oh, my goodness, look at her bag, look at her bag.

-Half a tree's worth of pencils in her bag.

-Amazing. Amazing.

He done that with class.

Joel successfully sticks

20 pencils on his shopper,

beating Roisin and earning

himself his fourth pass of the day.

Marek is up next,

and in order to avoid becoming today's overall loser

and doing the forfeit, he just has to beat Roisin's score

and get more than one pencil on his shopper.

-Easy, right?

-Looks like a killer.

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF: Do-do-do, do-do-do.

THEY LAUGH

-PAUL:

-Let's lighten it up!

Oh, my God, he's going in, he's going in.

-Look at his face.

-Argh!

Go on, mate, you can do it, go on, go on.

You can do this, you can do this.

-Come on, Marek.

-Oh, God, a meat prop.

Straight in, straight in, Marek, come on.

You can do it, Marek! I'm with you all the way.

-Five seconds' time, get one in, this is perfect.

-Oh, oh, oh...

Sorry.

Yeah, pop it in, pop it in. Do it, do it, do it, do it!

-Oh, damn it!

-It fell out, it fell out.

Marek doesn't get a single pencil on his shopper.

Which means, with three fails to his name, Marek is today's loser,

and must now face the consequences.

-Ah.

-JOEL AND PAUL: Loser, loser!

Marek, it's your forfeit, but it's a bit different today,

-we're not going to tell you what's actually going on.

-What?

You're not going to know until you get there.

-Why do I always get this sort of rough treatment?

-Blindfold him.

Not going to see it either, mate, nothing to see here.

Not going to hear or see anything. Turn round, loser.

Unbeknownst to him, he's about to be dumped in front of a

rowdy, intimidating football crowd,

where he'll really have to think on his feet.

-STADIUM ANNOUNCER:

-OK, I'd like your full attention.

-Singing his song Referee Lover...

-Think I'm going to puke.

-..ladies and gentlemen...

-You know Referee Lover, don't you?

..a big hand for Marek.

Wahey!

-JOEL:

-We just invented that song title for you, Marek,

so you just have to invent the rest. Go on, mate.

You've got to sing until we tell you to stop.

Hello, my name is Marek Larwood,

and this is a song I've written called Referee Lover.

# It's difficult to find someone to love

# In these troubled times

# I've tried different people

# But the only people I seem to like are guys dressed in black... #

-ROISIN:

-The players are actually kicking balls at him now!

# Referee lover, I think they are nice... #

BOOING

# They're not ungrateful, like you lot

# I'm a referee lover, I love them very much

# I want them to be my friend

# I've got... #

Off, off, off!

Thank you.

BOOING

-PAUL:

-Booo!

Marek, you got a fan over there.

Bringing out the single next week. I'm going home, I'm going home.

Someone get me out of here fast, how do I get out of here?

That's all from Impractical Jokers this week, next time,

the Jokers become inventors...

-It's a man beak.

-..fall asleep in public...

and take over an optician's.