Episode 3 Impractical Jokers

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Let's do this.

This is the brand-new series of Impractical Jokers, the hidden

camera show where four comedians compete to embarrass each other

in everyday situations.

The jokers are - Joel Dommett...

That really happened, didn't it? That really happened.

..Roisin Conaty...

Can I bite you?

..Paul McCaffrey...

Bless you, my children.

..and Marek Larwood.

Gribby growbbler.

They have to do and say everything the others tell them,

or face a forfeit.

It's a ruthless fight to the finish where there's no winner,

just a loser.

Aww!

Yes. We've just qualified as opticians,

and now, we're going to do some eye tests.

Ich bin ein optician.

The challenge is we have to do and

say everything the others command.

Yeah. If you can read it out.

-I have an erection.

-What?!

There's no getting out of it,

because if we refuse to do any of the instructions, then we lose.

-I can't smell it.

-You can't smell it, good.

First up, it's Roisin.

-How you doing?

-I'm fine.

Good. Good.

I'm just going to put these on.

OK, so I could just have a look in your eyes

and I can just tell by seeing your right eye, you're a naughty boy.

It's interesting, actually, it's saying you're a...

-'Say it...naughty boy.

-Naughty boy.'

You're a naughty boy.

What's your favourite part of the job? It's putting the lenses in.

Putting the lenses into the glasses.

My favourite part is putting the lenses into the glasses,

that's one of the reasons I got into this.

The technological term for that is rimming.

The technological term for that is rimming.

I love rimming.

And I love rimming.

OK...

-Let's do this eye exam.

-Here we go.

-Here we go.

OK, so getclose one up, close your left eye.

If you just close your left eye.

OK, look at the other eye.

Yeah.

And say, how many fingers am I holding up?

How many fingers am I holding up?

And then, give him the middle finger.

Oh, God.

Oh, go on, Roisin.

THEY LAUGH

How many fingers am I holding up?

ALL: Oooh!

Roisin refuses to carry out her instructions

and in the process, gets herself the first fail of the day.

Next up, Joel.

Joel, you look like a superhero.

KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

Come on in!

Joel Dommett is a mild-mannered optician.

-How many pairs of glasses do you own, just out of interest?

-Two.

I always keep a spare pair. I've learnt that the hard way.

I always keep a spare pair...

-Yeah.

-I've learnt that the hard way. Yeah.

I'm talking about pants though.

Yeah. I'm talking about pants though, that's the problem.

Always got to carry a spare pair.

Joel, I think you're ready to test his eyes now.

If you just go over to the sink, you'll find some charts,

and if you could just present those in order that they're numbered.

Just basically I need to ask you how,

how many things there are on the sheets.

First one's apples.

-Seven.

-Seven apples, good work.

'Don't look...don't look at the sheet.'

-What's on that one?

-Four.

Four buckets.

Now, on this one, ask how many rabbits he can see.

And don't look at the sheet.

On this one, just going to ask you how many rabbits you can

see on this one, OK?

Oh, God!

Well... I can't see any rabbits on that one.

Can't see any rabbits on that one?

-One.

-One rabbit?

'Have a look at the picture.'

OK.

'Joel successfully completes his challenge,

'earning his first pass of the day.

'Next up, it's Marek.'

All you all right to talk to this person in a South African accent?

IN SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: OK, nice to meet you,

how you doing? Good to see you, it's well. Perfect.

So, Mark, see if you can read any five for me there, please, my friend.

Just see if you can read that.

This is only used for special purposes, for example...

Fall asleep, start snoring, louder.

'Louder, bigger, bigger.'

MAREK SNORES

'Bigger!'

When you wake up, you're going to be your...

Normal accent, normal accent.

IN HIS ACCENT: I've just hit my head and my...

'Why am I? What do I sound like?'

I think my voice sounds completely different now.

-Does it sound different?

-Yeah.

'I watched a documentary on this.'

Marek, until we tell you to, you're not allowed to use any actual words.

Wing-wham.

Grabmax.

Jingo-ming-nut.

Jingo-ning-nung.

Wooblibobs.

Wooblibobs.

Look like you can't find something

and just shout a big sentence with no words.

Gribby-Grobbler. Grooby...

Arg!

Wing-wham-grooby-broll!

Marek follows his instructions

and earns himself his first pass of the day.

Last up, Paul.

He looks like a prisoner who's made his cell like a dentist's office.

Come on in. Do you want to take your coat off?

Just say, "That's a nice coat. Do you mind if I try it on?"

That's a lovely coat that actually. Do you mind if I try it on?

Is that OK? That's a nice coat, Bud.

Look at yourself in the mirr... I like it.

OK, let's get going then.

Let's get going. OK.

Take him through what all the equipment means, Paul.

OK. Fantastic. So, this is the ophthalmologist.

-What does it do?

-Here... This end of the machine is the vibraglax

And, that goes in, up through the back.

Sees behind your eye.

-And thatthat sees through behind your eye.

-So, any...

Do you want to try and squeeze it in now?

Back of my eye?

So that will go up...

That's an internal piece of machinery.

When I say up...

-Up the back passage.

-I mean up the back passage.

-Oh.

Let's have a look at your eyes then. OK.

That's supposed to go on them, Paul.

I forget myself.

Yeah, OK...

I've got an attack of the giggles today.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm sorry.

HE LAUGHS

He laughs like a baby.

Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

-OK. OK.

-Now, our final test... You're going to close your eyes,

you're going to move your body and do a spot the difference thing.

Close your eyes, and then when you open them I'm going to be doing

I want you to tell me what the difference is.

-Put your hand on your chest

-Keep your eyes closed.

-And now you've got two-two breasts.

-Open your eyes.

-What's different?

-What's different?

-You have boobs.

-Close your eyes again.

Pretend to go to the toilet against the wall.

And, what's different? Open his eyes, and...

Open your eyes. What's the difference?

-What's the difference? I need to...

-You're taking a piss.

OK.

You might need to wash that.

Despite his fit of the giggles, Paul gets himself a pass too.

Meaning that after the first challenge,

Roisin is losing with one fail to her name.

I love sleeping around...

which is a good job as in the next challenge

we have to go up to complete strangers and fall asleep on them.

We've got to clock up as much sleep time on one person as possible.

And whichever joker has the least accumulated time fails.

First up to sleep on a stranger is Paul.

Oh...

You've got the top half of your pyjama's on already.

Sweet dreams, Paul. Have a good sleep, mate.

Oh, no, he's doing his weird acting.

Oh, God.

It's terrible today. It's just wrong.

Like he's just lost his job.

I've lost my job. My wife's left me.

Head down, out cold.

It's going to mess up his sideburns though.

-Go on, Paul.

-Uh-oh.

Here we go. She's in. Oh, God.

-Three, two, one, go!

-Go.

Three, two, one, down, down, stomp it, down.

You have to do a little bit of snoring.

Down, down, down, down, down, down. Keep going. Keep it in.

Keep it going. Keep it going. Don't get up.

Don't get up. Sleep, sleep, sleep, and rest it.

Rest if against her knee.

-ALL: Oh...

-That was good. That was great.

So, Paul slept on a stranger for six seconds,

which means that's the time to beat to avoid getting a fail.

Next up, it's Joel.

Right, turn round, 180, that guy.

Have a little kip mate.

-IN A SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-I'll put you to fucking sleep, pal.

-Don't sleep on me, pal.

-Don't sleep on me, pal.

Don't sleep on, pal.

Are you about to cry, Joel?

ALL LAUGH

Oh...

I'm dreading this. I'm dreading it.

Joel, do it now because the police are behind you.

So, he could only get three,

maximum four punches in before he gets arrested.

So, if you're going to do it...

Come on.

Go, Joel. Have a little kip, mate.

Oh!

Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere.

Out of nowhere. Keep your hands on show.

Here we go.

Sorry.

Sorry, mate. Sorry, dude. Sorry, mate I'm so tired. I do apologise.

-That's it.

-Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Despite his scary moment, Joel clocks up eight seconds

sleeping on a stranger, which means he gets his second pass of the day.

Next, it's Roisin.

I think she'll do well.

Who is she going for? Those two there?

She's going for those two.

-Good choice.

-Very good choice.

Oh...

The panel of Loose Women back together again.

Oh, oh. The yawn-oh. Straight in. Straight in.

She's still there.

-She's letting her sleep!

-What?

-I can't believe this.

-Stay asleep. Stay asleep.

Don't wake up. Don't wake up.

Oh my, God. This is ridiculous.

-This is ridiculous.

-They're having a chat about what to do.

This is unbelievable.

They're going to try and prop her up. Oh.

Come on.

Back down.

Back down. Get another one on.

Move it in.

Oh, my God. She's going back in!

-Unbelievable.

-What?

-Incredible.

I think she might just let it go this time.

Oh, my God.

-No.

-Let it happen.

They're still staying there!

Move across Roisin and sleep on her lap.

ALL: Aw!

You could've got an extra minute and a half in there.

Roisin clocks up an impressive 33 seconds,

which means she's in the clear and avoids a fail.

Finally, it's Marek.

To avoid getting a fail, he must beat Paul's time of six seconds.

Straight in Marek, quick.

That's it. He's go... The slight lean.

The slight lean. He's going in. He's going in.

Go on, Marek, you're good to go.

-He's moving over. He's going.

-You're good to go.

Go on, lean a little more. Go straight down. Go full down.

Full weight.

Excuse me, are you all right?

Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry.

I'm just knacker... Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, I just fell asleep.

I'm always doing it. Sorry.

-They're moving away.

-Oh...

Fail.

Fail. They're gone.

They moved away.

So Marek doesn't even manage a single second,

meaning he clocks up the shortest time and gets a fail.

At the end of challenge two,

Marek and Roisin are joint losers with one fail each.

Now it's time for the next challenge where our jokers have to pass

themselves off as inventors...

I'm one of the top inventors in the world.

..pitching a range of brand-new products.

I had this idea. It came to me in a dream...

But each of the jokers won't know what they're pitching

until they reveal it for the first time to their focus groups.

Basically, it's a hairy hand with a scope.

So, let's have a look.

You just cast off...

A triple barrel bra.

This is called My First Prison.

Each joker will get a pass for every person who says they'd be

interested in buying their product.

Would you be interested in that?

Fail and they risk facing a forfeit later in the show.

It's not bad, is it?

Time for the jokers to take turns

and enter the den to pitch their new products.

Hello there. How you doing? OK?

How nice to see you, I'm Joel. How are you?

Sit down here on these seats here.

Thanks very much for coming in today.

Let me tell you a bit of background about this.

This is something I have always wanted myself.

I thought, "Well, if I want it surely, other people will want it."

What is it?

-It's a Man Beak.

-These are not amateurs, Paul.

-They want to know what this beak does.

-It...

It increases your sense of smell, loosens the sinus,

and...I just think it makes you look better.

So, based on what we've all seen, and...

ALL LAUGH

..who would like to buy The Man Beak?

No.

Like Paul, all the jokers have been pitching all afternoon,

but are struggling to impress.

I'll turn this on.

And, this one is called...

Erm...

And, it's called...?

The Cheese Plug.

Basically, or it looks self-explanatory.

You've got cheese...straight into a plug.

-What's it called?

-It's called...Exhaust Pen.

The Thief-Proof Pan.

Would you buy this pot?

To one, two, three...?

Would you be interested in buying this product?

No, I don't think so.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

Time is nearly up, none of the jokers has a pass,

and now they have one last chance to get one.

I'm really excited about this one.

ALL LAUGH

Gay Spray.

Now...

-What does it do though?

-What does it do, Paul?

It's... I think if a party is kind of flagging a bit, you know.

Kind of like, "Oh, God. It's the same. It's a bit drab..."

You know, there's something missing.

Out comes the Gay Spray...

Hmm-mm. Hmm-mmm.

THEY LAUGH

It's fabulous.

Who would buy that?

No.

Oh, Paul.

That's it for Paul. He totally fails.

Right, and my final item here...

Will Marek manage to finally get a pass?

I think this is a game changer, this one. Let's see.

This one is called...the...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

What's this one called?

OK.

This is called... I'll just put that on...

Er...

This is... This is called confident bear.

Would you be interested in buying this?

-No, I'm sorry.

-We don't have much need for confidence bear.

That's a big fail for Marek too.

It's now Roisin's last pitch.

Will she show the boys how to do it?

Let's take a trip to the bloody future.

Oh... What are they, Roisin?

-Well, they certainly don't look very comfortable.

-Mm.

These are...

What's the name of this product, Roisin?

These are...

These are called Brick Flops.

Brick Flops, ah.

To the naked eye they're flip-flops on bricks.

But, to me, and to the future, they are to stop the flop.

So, now what you'd hear instead of flip-flop, flip-flop, you'd hear...

SCRAPING

-Ah, that's much less annoying.

-Hmm.

More flip, no flop.

By a show of hands, would you buy this product?

Not today.

Total failure for Roisin too.

So now there's only Joel left who can get a pass.

Very personal to me because I made it out of stuff that I've got...

My own stuff I've got at home.

This one's very personal to me

because I've made it out of the stuff that I've got at home,

And I made something that I think's really dear to my heart.

I'm really excited about it...but here we go.

So, it's...

Erm...

What's it called, Joel? All products have a name.

It's the... Basically...

It's called A Knife and Fuck.

That's amazing!

They're washable, you know, they're fully washable.

I mean, I haven't washed these ones, but you can wash them.

I haven't washed these ones, but you can wash them. They're fully...

You can always just... You know, it's like chopsticks and...

-Chop-dicks.

-Chop-dicks. I mean, you can...

They're great to eat rice with.

That's the best thing with the Knife and Fuck.

Erm...

Would you buy this product?

It's time for the group to make a decision.

Will they go for Joel's new cutlery invention?

Two hands.

-Why is he going to buy them?

-An incredible sales pitch.

He did it. Joel is the only joker to get a pass.

Meaning that after the third challenge, Paul has one fail

but Marek and Roisin are still joint losers with two each.

Today we're giving away 50% off vouchers.

-50% off what?

-We've no idea, Paul.

We'll only find out at the last minute

when the other jokers tell us.

And the joker that can't give away any of his vouchers loses.

-OK, here we go.

-First up is Joel.

50% off today sir? No? You OK?

-Whereabouts?

-Whereabouts?

-It's off Slightly Gay Robots.

It's off Slightly Gay Robots.

Oh, right. OK.

Might as well.

Thank you so much.

Amazing.

Hey, guys. 50% off today.

Double Wang Big Bang.

It's Double Wang Big Bang. 50% off Double Wang Big Bang.

Yeah, you will. See you there, mate.

Would you like 50% off today, sir?

-What is it?

-Kissing With Tongues.

50% off Kissing With Tongues.

And what is that?

You know...

-Kissing With Tongues.

-Kissing With Tongues.

-What? Actual kissing?

-Yeah. 50% off.

-Yeah.

-And, where is that?

-Right here, right now.

Sell yourself live on BBC Three. Joel turns into a prostitute.

Right here, right now.

-I'm afraid not, man.

-No, don't worry.

Don't worry. Oh, thank you very much.

Joel gives away two flyers, which is

the score the other jokers must beat to avoid a fail.

Next up, it's Paul.

How stupid do I look?

I think you look about 50% more stupid than you did before.

Hello there. We're doing 50% off for today only. Would you like...?

LAUGHTER

Hello. 50% off today. Don't leave me hanging.

Aww...

How you doing? Yes, we've got 50% off today.

-Today only, 50% off.

-Off one nipple tassel.

Off... Off just one nipple tassel.

ALL LAUGH

It's the last one in the shop.

It's the last one in the shop, so you might have to share it.

Would you like 50% off today?

Really sick pets.

Really sick pets.

-50% off.

-Just around the corner.

-Half dead cats

-Half dead cats, yeah, yeah.

If you like pets, but you don't like commitment, this is the shop for you.

Hi there. We've got 50% off today,

Today only, 50% off.

Anal.

-For what?

-Anal.

-OK.

-OK.

I can't believe you said it!

Paul, you're an animal. You'd do anything to win.

Paul successfully gives away three flyers, beating Joel's

score of two and earning himself a pass.

Next, it's Marek.

Sir, would you like a 50% off voucher today?

-OK, thanks.

-It's...for...

Caesarean stitching, so it's today only. No?

No, I'm all right.

I can't believe you said it.

-You don't get a chance to think about it.

-Horrible!

Would you like one of these, sir? 50% off, today only.

-It's 50% off...

-Left-handed bog roll.

Left-handed bog roll. OK?

Hello, sir. Can I give you one of these? It's 50% off today.

-50% off my sister.

-OK, that's good.

Oh, my God! You just sold your sister.

Hello, sir. Can I give you one of these 50% off things today?

-It's 50% off...

-My virginity.

-It's my virginity, so...

-Where?

-My virginity.

-Oh, perfect.

You'll get rid of it yet, Marek.

Marek also gives away three flyers, joining Paul with a pass.

Finally, it's Roisin.

If she doesn't beat Joel's score of two

then she'll face today's forfeit.

Excuse me, sir.

-Can I offer you 50% off today?

-Er... No, I'm all right, thanks.

Oh.

-Madam, would you like 50% off today?

-No, thank you.

-Guys, you like 50% off today?

-No.

People just don't want a bargain, do they, Roisin?

Can't give it away.

Hiya. Can I offer you 50% off today, madam?

Pubic golf umbrellas... Pubic golf umbrellas,

-50% off what?

-ALL:

-Golf umbrellas.

-Pubic golf umbrellas.

-No, no. They're off pubic golf umbrellas.

-Uh-huh. Right, thanks a lot.

-Do you want to take the voucher?

I think you might regret it.

Everyone thinks they don't want one, but then they get 50% off.

-The weather's been bad, come on.

-The weather's been bad.

-You never know.

-What you going to do?

No way!

What are you going to do with a pubic golf umbrella? Unbelievable.

So Roisin only gives away one flyer,

and gets her third fail, which means she's this week's loser

and must face a forfeit set by the other jokers.

Roisin's about to be dumped into London's bustling

Leicester Square with a sandwich board and a little surprise.

What we've got in here is five absolutely horrific

punishments for you, and we're going to get

a member of the public to come over and choose which one you do.

-What?

-Bye.

-Oh, I don't want to.

-You've got to, Roisin.

-Go on Roisin.

That's what you get for being a loser, unfortunately.

Tell these lovely people what you are, Roisin, loud and proud.

-I'm a loser!

-Louder.

I'm a loser, choose my punishment.

Drum roll, please.

The tension is mounting.

You have won a free lunch.

Unfortunately, your free lunch is going to be some leftover food

-picked out of the bin.

-What?

She's got to eat left over food out of a bin?

That's a pretty tough one, yeah?

Thank you. Absolute bastards.

What do you fancy, Roisin? Are you peckish?

I think I just saw someone put some chicken bones in that bin there.

-Yeah.

-Could be some leftover burger in there.

Yeah. Yeah. Have a look in there.

Quickly, before someone else has it, Roisin.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

It's so disgusting in here. There's fags in here, man.

Oh, stop being so fussy.

Eugh!

-Oh, wait.

-Oh, here she goes.

-Luckily you've got a bin to vomit in.

There's tissues!

I'm going to be sick.

-HE SHOUTS

-I can't watch.

What have you got? What have you got?

-I don't know. It's bread. It's bread!

-It's bread!

-What are you taking off the top of it?

-I'm cleaning the shit off it.

Go on, let's be... Nice big mouthful...

Oh, my God.

Open wide. Here we go. Big mouthful.

That's it, be a brave girl.

-In three, two, one, open wide...

-Are you serious?

-Oh, God!

-Big bite please.

-Give me a second.

-OK, come on.

-Three, two...

-Two, one...

-Swallow it. Swallow it. Swallow it.

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

She's going to vomit. She's going to vomit. She's going to vomit.

I... I can't believe it. I actually...

I'm going to vomit. I'm going to vomit.

That's all for Impractical Jokers this week.

Next time the jokers become cheesemongers...

How would you rate my love life?

..touch up complete strangers...

Why did you have to be so creepy?

-..and take over a cinema.

-Come on!