Episode 4 Impractical Jokers

Let's do this.

This is Impractical Jokers, the hidden camera show where

four comedians compete to embarrass each other in everyday situations.

The jokers are: Joel Dommett.

That really happened, didn't it? That really happened.

Roisin Conaty.

Can I what you?

-Paul McCaffrey.

-Bless you, my children.

And Marek Larwood.

Gribby growbbler.

They have to do and say everything the others tell them,

or face a forfeit.

It's a ruthless fight to the finish where there's no winner,

just a loser.

Aw!

-We've always wanted to work in the movies.

-The big screen.

Where have you gone?

So, we're here at the multiplex,

where we're working behind the snack counter.

Let's make dreams come true today.

And the challenge is to do and say what the other judges tell us.

Swallow it.

And, if we refuse...

-Sorry...

-We lose.

First up is Roisin.

I think she really fits in there, you know?

-She looks like she's just come back from her 15th fag of the day.

-Cheeky sod. Hello.

Oh, here we go.

-Sweet or salted?

-Sweet.

Right, shout it really loud

as if it's someone else is going to get it.

Sweet popcorn!

Why isn't someone bringing my sweet popcorn?

Where's the sweet popcorn, guys?

Anything else I can get you?

Just the sweet popcorn? Sweet popcorn!

INAUDIBLE

Say, I've got an angry one here. This bloke's going crazy.

Hurry up, he's going mental out here!

Ask him to calm down. It'll be there in a minute.

Calm down, honestly, someone's coming...

-All right mate, you need to relax.

-You've just got to relax, relax.

It'll be a minute. Come on!

Now only put one bit of popcorn in, bit by bit and count it.

-Two.

-Two. Count it.

-Three.

-Keep going.

Four, five...

How many did you want again?

Did you not have any dinner?

You've got loads there. Right.

Just call it 40 pound?

Roisin performs all her challenges, and earns herself a pass.

Next up, it's Paul.

Paul, didn't you used to work in a supermarket?

They genuinely wouldn't let me operate a till.

That's the level of trust they had in me. Here we go.

Could I ask you to come round to this till, lady,

because I'm not allowed round there.

-Personal reasons.

-Personal reasons.

-What are they?

But really, really, really personal reasons.

But really, really personal reasons...so personal.

I'd only tell you how personal if I got invited on Oprah, or something.

I'd only probably tell you if I was actually invited on Oprah,

-or something - that's how personal these problems are.

-Right.

I don't really want to go into it, but...

But if I was to tell you, I'd tell you like this.

Let's just say if I was to tell you, I'd tell you like this.

Many years ago in a faraway galaxy...

I'm sorry, why do I feel like I'm opening up to you?

You just seem like you've got very trustworthy faces.

A long time ago in a galaxy far away...

Now go into movie voice.

-As a young man.

-A young man.

Who could've been Liam Gallagher.

That could've been Liam Gallagher...

You've been hit by a spade.

You've been hit by a spade.

Go on.

What can I get you, ladies?

So Paul refuses and get a fail.

Next on duty, it's Marek.

Marek does not look like he should be working in customer services.

-At all.

-No.

Like if you were to employ him you'd keep him in the store room, wouldn't you?

I failed my food hygiene certificate.

I can imagine if you had a job like this

you'd be sticking your dick in the popcorn.

That's how I failed it.

Hello.

Three?

Three hotdogs. Get in.

Use your hands. Use your hands.

-Ah!

-Ah! It's really hot.

And wave it, wave it in their face, wave it in their face.

-Three separate ones?

-Yeah.

-So you all want one?

-Yeah.

Ah!

Throw it across the room.

That's really...it's too hot.

Oh, my God, again!

What you trying to do to me?

Ah!

I can see why they're called hot dogs, I tell you.

Right, last one. Will have to be two, I'm afraid.

If you come round to this till here, please. Do you want ketchup?

Put it in your mouth and say, is that enough?

Just keep filling your mouth, Marek.

Is that enough?

Keep filling it. Keep filling it.

Tell me when to stop. Tell me when to stop.

Keep doing it. Keep doing it.

Now, straight face, look at them

and go, you're going to ruin these hot dogs.

You're going to ruin these hot dogs.

Swallow it.

If you don't swallow it, you lose.

I don't want to swallow it!

Marek refuses to swallow, and also gets a fail.

Finally, behind the counter, it's Joel.

-How you doing, Pedro?

-My name is Pedro. Hello.

Pedro, como estas?

Oui, monsieur.

-Hi there, what can I get for you?

-Popcorns?

Popcorns? Popcorns - we have more than one, it's good.

Are they Spanish, Pedro?

Ask them if they're Spanish.

-Are you guys Spanish?

-Yeah.

-So am I.

-So am I. So am I.

So am I, si, si, si, si...

Si, si, si, si.

Yeah, Pedro. Me llamo Pedro.

Tell them where you're from, Joel.

I'm from town called Lisbon.

That's not even in Spain!

How you say...?

How you say...?

-Plenty...

-Plenty...

Puss-puss.

Eh...

How you say...

mucho...

mucho, mucho...

Puss-puss.

Joel chickens out, and fails.

Meaning that after the first challenge, Marek, Paul,

and Joel are level with one fail each.

We're here in Leicester Square, where we're giving away

free theatre tickets to a show.

-What show, pray tell?

-Ah...

They don't know the name of the show until they open the envelope and see the tickets.

It's called Everyone's Bisexual Once.

Why Do Potatoes Have To Die?

The Inside Of His Bra.

And if they can't convince someone to take the ticket, they lose.

OK, no worries.

First up, it's Marek.

-Blue trainers, and blue jumper.

-Yeah, you've matched it, mate.

You look like you were dressed by Pixar.

I just need to get rid of these tickets.

Hello, I don't suppose you're looking for some theatre tickets tonight.

I've got these to give away for free. OK...

Hello there. I've got two free tickets to the theatre tonight

if you fancy going? I can't give them away to...

I mean, I'm a real person with real feelings, so...

Just don't even look at me. Excuse me, mate,

I've got some theatre tickets that I've got too many of.

I don't suppose you want tickets to go and see...

I don't really. What is it?

It's called...

Everyone Ends Up Bumming.

No? Are you sure I can't give you...? No? OK.

Hello there, I'm trying to get rid of some free tickets to see shows I don't need.

I don't suppose you a ticket to see...

Mr Poopy's Ploppy Plop Plop Show?

It's just... it's a good show, actually,

and if you like plops there's at least three in it guaranteed.

-This evening?

-It's this evening, yeah.

-We have already tickets.

-Where are you... What are you going to see?

Phantom Of The Opera.

This is like that but with more plops in it.

All right. Sorry to bother you, I'm trying to get rid of some theatre tickets I bought too many of.

I've got a couple of spare tickets. I don't want the money for them. I'm just - they're free.

It's called Cats: But This Time With Real Cats.

You sure? It's supposed to be really good.

You get them for free.

Meow, like that. But, but like a cat, an actual cat.

This is a cat-astrophe.

Marek doesn't manage to give away any theatre tickets,

and bags himself a fail.

Next up, Paul.

I'm supposed to be going to the theatre tonight around here.

The people I was supposed to be going with aren't coming.

I've got left with these. I don't want any money for them. I don't want to waste them.

Two tickets for the theatre tonight.

They're absolutely free.

-What's the show?

-It's for a show called Bot-Clog.

It's been getting really good reviews.

I mean, you might want to give them to someone else,

Bot-Clog - everyone's talking about it.

Excuse me lads, basically I've been lumped with all these tickets

and I'm giving them away basically for free.

A couple of free theatre tickets?

Yeah? It's for a show called The Generous Pervert.

What's that about Paul?

What's it about? It's autobiographical.

It's just about this sort of weird, perverted guy that walks

round Leicester Square giving away free theatre tickets.

You should enjoy it. Have a good night.

-All the best.

-Unbelievable.

Paul manages to successfully give away three theatre tickets

earning himself a pass.

Next up, it's Roisin.

Excuse me, sir, I've got some tickets. I'm giving them

away free to the theatre.

I bought too many. Do you want them?

Tickets for what?

The tickets to a show called...

It's called, Susan Piss.

No?

It's a hard sell. It's a hard sell.

Hiya, I bought too many shows....

I bought too many tickets for a theatre show.

They're completely free.

Would you like them? I don't want them.

-What is it?

-It's a theatre show it's on tonight,

it's called, it's called...

Space Vag.

It's OK.

Everyone likes vag, everyone likes space.

Everyone likes space, and everyone likes vag.

No worries.

Roisin doesn't manage to give away any tickets

and bags herself a fail.

Finally, it's Joel.

What's it like being dressed like the pavement today, Joel?

Great. I like to be camouflaged at all times.

Hey, guys, I've got some free tickets just to offer you

and I've just bought too many theatre tickets,

that's all, and I've got a couple left and I'm just trying to...

-Are they free?

-They're free. Yeah. I'm just wondering whether you wanted them.

It's for a... It's for a show, it's called...

It's called, Farts That Look Like Children.

-Oh. When is it?

-Tonight.

So, but you can use them all week so...

It's called... It's good, apparently it's amazing.

It's on at arse past eight.

Apparently it's on at... It's on at arse past eight.

Yeah, just take them.

You can give them to a friend if you want it's fine

Yeah. It'll be absolutely great. Thank you so much.

Take care.

Well done, pavement boy.

Hey, mate, how's it going? I've just...

I've bought too many theatre tickets. I'm just trying to get some...

I'm just trying to give them away basically.

I feel bad, and I just don't want them to go to waste that's all.

You're giving them away? What show's it for?

The show it's for... Sorry, it's the...

it's The Pube Show.

I've never heard of that one.

It's like, you know that opening scene of

Edward Scissorhands when he's cutting all the bushes.

-It's at the Bush Theatre.

-Yeah.

It's at the Bush Theatre.

-What time's it on?

-It's on at... it's at 7:30 tonight.

It's supposed to be pu-perb.

It's supposed to be pu-perb.

It's supposed to be great, man, just take them.

Joel gives away a respectable two tickets and gets himself a pass.

Meaning that after two challenges

Marek is the current loser on two fails.

Now we're cheesemongers giving away free samples.

During the sampling we're going to conduct a survey that

the other guys have created for us.

We have no idea what questions are in the survey.

What's your favourite cheese, Stephen?

Except they'll be utterly ludicrous.

When is it acceptable to ram-raid a butchers?

Our challenge is to ask our chosen questions no matter what they are.

And, if we refuse...we lose.

First up is Joel.

THEY LAUGH

The French cheese expert.

I've actually got a diploma in cheese, that's a true fact.

-That really doesn't surprise me Joel.

-That you've got a Ph-Brie.

Hello there. Have a taste, have a taste. Feel free.

I'll just ask you a couple of questions.

Do you prefer hard cheese, soft cheese?

-Hard cheese.

-Hard cheese. Oh, OK.

Prefer the hard...

Death, destruction, burn it all down the end is night, hatred

and death again, cheese...

Some poignant lyrics there from Mariah Carey.

But, which cheese do you think she was referring to?

-Cheddar.

-Cheddar.

Now ask question 38.

-Sorry.

-No chance.

I think he'll say it. He's such a chancer.

Is he going to ask this? He's so smooth.

Oh, straight in.

No, that's enough.

If you're that cocky, Joel, try number 22.

Yeah, come on, Joel.

Oh, this is tense.

No, I think that's it.

I think that's the last of the questions.

That's the last of the questions.

Oh, come on, man.

Joel refuses to ask the question, and gets himself a fail.

Next up, Marek.

-Do you like cheese?

-I love cheese.

It's your lucky day.

Would you like to try some of my cheese.

OK. So, try that cheese and I'll ask you a first question.

OK, so what is your favourite cheese?

-Goat's cheese.

-Goat's cheese.

-SHE BLEATS

-Make the noise.

HE BLEATS

That's how they go isn't it? OK.

Ask question 12.

-Is this cheese related?

-Yes, it is, yeah.

-No.

-He's not a big cheese lover. OK.

Question 23 now, Marek.

Have you ever...?

-Who wrote these questions?

-My boss wrote these.

I'm my own boss.

Well, I work for myself but um...

-Two what's?

-Goths, you know.

-No.

-OK, that's super.

Well done.

Yeah, cheesy Marek.

Definitely the weirdest uncheesy questions I've ever answered.

Thank you for your time.

Oh, my God.

Marek asks his questions and in return he gets a pass.

Next, it's Paul.

That's a... That's a Red Leicester.

Right, now, I'm just going to ask you a few quick questions.

On a scale of one to ten how much do you like cheese?

-Ten.

-Ten? Oh, my God. I've never had a ten before.

-Really?

-No. DEFCON three, OK.

Go to question 17, Paul.

Come on, Paul. You can do this.

Right, how would you rate my love life?

Paul McCaffrey "Cheese Man".

Disappointing, extremely disappointing, or non-existent?

-My own love life?

-Mine.

-Disappointing.

-Disappointing, you cheeky cow...

100% right though, well done.

They're getting on quite well.

Last question, is that you, or the cheese?

Is that you, or the cheese?

Oh, my God.

No!

I can't believe you asked that.

Paul asked all his questions so gets himself a pass.

Finally, it's Roisin.

Are those earrings or cheese wheels?

OK, if you just take a bite of cheese and then I'll just ask

you a couple of questions about the cheese, if that's all right?

It's Scottish cheese, so...

Madam how often would you say you eat cheese?

-Probably every day.

-Every day? Wow. A big cheese eater.

Question 7 please.

In a sandwich.

In a sandwich you'd take it into the bedroom to watch the television.

OK.

The next question which follows on nicely number 50.

Can you what?

Let's have some more cheese.

Roisin completes her questions and earns herself a pass.

Meaning that after three challenges Marek and Joel are level

on two fails each,

and are in line to face the forfeit.

We're just hanging out in the cash and carry as you do.

Our challenge is to get from one end of the aisle to the other

in 60 seconds. Sounds simple enough?

No.

We can only move by touching another member of the public

and we can only go forwards not backwards.

If we can't get to the line in time we fail.

..and a free grope!

First up is Joel. Joel is currently joint loser with Marek.

So, should he fail this he could face this week's forfeit.

You good to go, Joel?

I think so.

Are you scared?

Yeah, I am a little bit actually.

-Come on, touch someone.

-Now here we go, go, go, go

Come on, Joel.

Hey. Do I recognise you?

No, we did the em...

Didn't we meet at Tesco that time, with the em...

Sorry, what is your name? Sorry?

-I don't think so.

-No? No, it wasn't you?

No?

What was your... Sorry, I didn't want to... The... What was the...

No? It wasn't? OK. No. Okay-dokey. Sorry.

Why do you have to be so creepy?

The clock's ticking.

Excuse me, actually I just...

I'm just over viewing your things. I've got this boot.

And, I...

It really ripped down the side, there's these ones down here. The...

Eh... I think it's these... These ones...

Why's he stopping there?

These ones... No, they're, wait maybe a bit further.

I think it's these ones. I think it's on the end.

Oh, no, we've gone past it. We've gone past it.

Oh, sorry.

Joel gets across the finish line in less than 60 seconds,

and earns himself a pass.

Next up, it's Roisin.

Lovely pyjamas you've got there.

I'm really going to enjoy wearing them.

You can wear them with the tights.

SHE SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE

I know only English.

This is incredible.

No, Roisin, what are you doing?

What are you doing? You're moving! You're moving!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold upno, hold it. You're not touching him.

-No.

-No, no that isit's not cool to speak a made up language

and then walk down the aisle on your own. Absolute fail.

Fail.

Roisin moved without touching, and gets a fail.

Next up, Paul.

What are you holding?

Shoes.

-Your big tactic's shoes.

-Excuse me mate, have you seen these?

No, I know but they don't bloody work

Come and have a look at this, right?

-Don't you cross that line.

-They're unbelievable.

You get up to a certain speed on these,

they're supposed to turn into electronic roller skates.

Oh, my God.

Come here and watch this. Come here.

Right turn round, you have to walk at quite a speed, OK?

Right go. Watch this. Watch this.

Right, it says at a certain speed they turn into wheels.

Go, go, go, look quick, quicker.

I think we need to go quicker than that. Let's go one, two, three.

You're nearly there!

No, I'm not. Seriously, look, that's what it says on the box.

Go, one last run.

Excuse me!

Have you seen these shoes?

-Oh, God.

-Have you seen these shoes?

They're supposed to hover.

-What?

-That's too far.

Seriously, that's what it says on the box, can you just help me

walk to this,

over to there. What shoes are supposed to hover, watch this.

Keep walking.

One, two, three, four... It says after ten steps, eight,

nine definitely don't work, do they?

-Unbelievable.

-Paul does amazing time, and avoids himself a fail.

Finally it's Marek, the pressure is on.

-If he fails he will face this week's forfeit.

-Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God, the tactics.

See, see, you see what I mean?

Marek, what are you doing?

-Bottled it straightaway.

-Wow.

Do you know how much... Tell me, do you how much these...

Costco cards are? The card you need to buy these things are?

Because I've come shopping here, and I haven't bought the card yet.

You need to get the card first of all, or not?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-You see.

-Can I ask your advice?

-Don't move.

I'm trying to get something for my nan for...

No, you're not touching her!

For Christmas. What's good for nan?

Can I just show you these ones here?

See if you think these ones are just as good, just down here I think.

You've actually gone backwards... unprecedented move.

No, Marek, that's it. That's game over I'm afraid.

Marek moves backwards and gets himself a fail.

Meaning with three fails to his name

Marek is today's loser

and must now face a forfeit designed by the other jokers.

Come on lose-y. Old lose-y, loser.

-Lose-y the losers.

-Here you are. All right.

-Forfeit starring Marek Larwood.

-Yeah.

What you're going to be doing is going up there

and pitching to an audience that we've assembled for you

a new film idea just to see if they want to invest in it.

-I know you haven't got a film idea, we've written one for you.

-Oh, I see.

What you need to do is explain the plot, characters,

-a little bit of the dialogue, all right?

-Yeah.

You never know, Marek, it might turn into a really successful film.

-Go on, in you go mate, come on.

-Ah!

My next film is called...

..it's called My Damp Sock.

There can be many reasons that it's damp.

I mean the obvious one is... that the sock has been misused.

It's intriguing, isn't it? You want to know more.

-I certainly do.

-Click on.

And the main plot lines, I'll just take you through those now.

So, the first plot line...

-What is it Marek?

-Is...

Off you go. Off you go, Marek.

At the start there's a guy, he just...

..he's made a mistake, and he's used the sock to cover up the mistake.

THEY LAUGH

Plot line.

I'm going to play every character in this film this is quite ambitious.

Suspicious Basso...

We want some lines here.

COMEDY ACCENT: Why are you in my room again?

I thought... I thought I locked the door.

Have you been eating my sandwich?

David, who's Irish.

Give us a bit of David.

IRISH ACCENT: And, he's, "What's all that noise going on in that room with that...

-Sock.

-Sock.

"...sock of yours again."

OK, next one, next one, Sexy Saddam.

-He's one of the leads.

-That's one of the lead characters.

-He's not like Saddam Hussein, he...

-He is like Saddam Hussein.

Oh, he is like Saddam Hussein.

But, just with a more sexual element. So, you don't...

If you were to get rid of all the aggression

and you put sex in instead.

I think you'll find he's very charismatic.

Now look behind you Marek there's a script,

and you are going to read some dialogue.

Oh, I see.

You can flick through those pages all you want, Marek,

there's nothing in there, mate.

THEY LAUGH

DAVID VOICE: I'm shy. Have I told you I'm shy yet?

SUSPICIOUS BASSO VOICE: Yes, you always saying that.

I'm beginning...beginning to get suspicious of you.

Sexy Saddam just came in.

DAVID VOICE: Now that's a damn character with his loving eyes is looking at me all funny.

So, that's it. I think...

Would anyone here be interested in investing in my film?

Any hands up?

That guy has lost the will to live.

OK. Right. Thank you very much for your time.

Thank you very much.

That's all for Impractical Jokers this week.

Next time the jokers go shop lifting, become business gurus...

This is my mantra, owls don't cry.

And, run a chicken shop.

Oh, he wants chicken, does he?