Episode 5 Impractical Jokers

Let's go touch some people up.

This is Impractical Jokers - the hidden camera show

where four comedians compete to embarrass each other

in everyday situations.

The jokers are Joel Dommett...

SPANISH ACCENT: My name is Pedro.

..Roisin Conaty...

I am better than you.

-..Paul McCaffrey...

-I genuinely don't think I can do this.

-..and Marek Larwood.

-Thank you very much for your time.

They have to do and say everything the others tell them

or face a forfeit.

# I'm a referee lover! #

It's a ruthless fight to the finish, where there's no winner,

just a loser.

Aww!

Hello there, how can I help you?

Yay! We're working in a chicken shop.

Let's party.

SHE CLUCKS

Fries are...£10 each.

The challenge is to do and say what the other jokers tell us.

Ahh!

Ahh!

-I love...

-he mumbles through food

And if we refuse, we lose.

What else do you want?

First up is Marek.

Classic family bucket... Will it feed three people?

Hungry, how hungry?

'Have you ever kissed anyone?'

Have you ever kissed anyone?

'Turn round and get a piece of chicken'

'and eat the chicken really seductively.'

'Go on, chat her up, Marek. Give her a bit of the old Marek charm.'

'And then sort of suck the chicken off.'

Put the bone under your hat.

I tell you what, this one's a keeper.

Hello, sir, how are you doing? What would you like?

You do, normally, half chicken?

Yeah, you can have a half chicken, yeah.

'I think your phone might be ringing, Marek. Brring, brring.'

Yeah, yeah, half chicken, drink, fries...

Oh, sorry, one second. Sorry, mate, just be one second.

Sorry, just get this. Hello.

'And it's your flatmate. You left a massive shit in the toilet.'

No, that wasn't... I didn't do that.

I didn't do that. Sorry.

I didn't leave a massive shit in the toilet.

'It was up the walls.'

It wasn't...! There's no way it got on the walls.

'It was on the walls! It was up the walls!'

Must have been someone else, it wasn't on the walls.

'Why was it curly? It was definitely curly.

Mine aren't curly. I don't do the curly ones.

Sorry, one second. Sorry, mate. I don't do the curly ones!

I'll clean the shit when I get home, all right? Thank you.

Sorry about that.

Half chicken...

Marek follows his instructions

and earns himself his first pass of the day.

Next up, it's Joel.

'Here we go. Joel's first day.

'He's about to go out on his way to Pearl Harbour.'

Welcome. Let's get you some chicken.

-Spicy wrap.

-Just the wrap.

-Just the wrap.

'Would you like it as hot as you are?'

Chilli sauce and mayonnaise? Chilli.

Would you like that as hot as you are?

Would you like that as hot as you are, eh?

Cheeky.

Eat in or take away, sir?

Um, eat in please.

-Eating in.

-'You've got lovely eyes.'

-Are you new here?

-What's that mate?

-Are you new here?

-Fairly new, yeah, yeah.

-'My first day.'

-Well, it's my first day.

You've got lovely eyes.

Would you like to go large?

No, I don't want a meal.

'I tell you what, you're making me go large.'

Tell you something, you're, em...

Tell you something, you are...

-..making me go large.

-Sorry?

-There you go, mate.

-Thank you very much.

-Enjoy that, enjoy it.

Right, who likes chicken? Let's do this.

You all right, mate? Have you been served?

-Chicken and chips or something.

-Can we have a meal,

chicken and chips?

'OK, so just repeat the order back to them,

'but thrust with everything you say.'

Eight spicy wings! That's how many spicy wings?

You got one, two, three, four...

'Say "Do you want ketchup, mayonnaise..."

-'and then "..hot sauce" with a thrust.'

-Hot sauce!

Hot sauce.

Nice to meet you, come on.

Joel successfully carries out his instructions

and joins Marek with a pass.

Next up, it's Roisin.

A fillet burger meal.

'OK, I want you to hold one eye open and close the other eye.

'Do your doll's eye.'

You like chicken?

We do half grilled chicken, we do chicken nuggets,

we do chicken wings.

'Even creepier'

Do you want mayonnaise?

-OK.

-'Creepy smile again, please.'

Sure you don't want to take away?

OK.

That is unbelievable.

Would you like any dessert?

-No, I'm fine.

-Have a lovely day, sir.

Roisin does as instructed and lands herself a pass.

Finally, it's Paul.

Will he be the only one that fails?

Hello, mate.

-Hello.

-How you doing, OK? Fantastic.

'So I want you to go down, be like a goblin,

'be like a goblin from Lord of the Rings.'

-CREEPY VOICE:

-Oh, he wants chicken, does it?

Chicken, little bit of chicken for the man. Oooh...

'And back to yourself.'

Sorry, sir. Um...

-Chips with it.

-Chips? Yeah, no problem at all.

-'Down, be goblin again.'

-What goes with it?

Little chippy with it.

He wants chippies.

Oh, chippy, chippy, chip.

Chippies, one chicken...

HE LAUGHS CREEPILY

Naughty chicken.

MANIC CLUCKING

HE LAUGHS CREEPILY

'Oh, my God!'

Four chicken!

HE LAUGHS CREEPILY

Five chickens!

HE LAUGHS CREEPILY

'Go straight face, "Do you want mayonnaise?"'

Do you want mayonnaise with those?

Paul successfully follows his instructions

and gets a precious pass...

..meaning that, after the first challenge,

the jokers are level with no fails.

These days, everybody has a blog. Even this guy.

Excuse me. Hiya.

Can I possibly take a photo of you?

Our challenge today is to get people to pose for photos for our blog.

It'll take one second. Oh, go on.

We have no idea of the name of our blogs until the others tell us.

-It's called, eh...

-'It's called Swinger for Sure.'

It's called em, Scots Against Pensioners.

It's called Wrestle for Shopping.

And if we don't get anyone to pose, we fail.

First up is Paul.

Your collar's tied so tight, you're like a priest on a day out.

Bless you, my children.

Hello, my friend. I'm just doing a new blog at the moment...

No problem.

-You've really cleared out the area, Paul.

-I know.

Last time this happened was when I DJ'd at my birthday party.

Hi there. Hope you're having a great afternoon shopping.

I've started a new blog and you'd be absolutely perfect for it.

Is it OK to get a photo for my blog.

'It's called 'Nipples - Bigger and Better This Time.'

It's called Nipples - Bigger and Better This Time.

OK? Fantastic.

Are they saying yes?! No!

Fantastic, great. All the best, have a great day, girls.

Oh, my God!

Hello, mate.

I'm running a blog at the moment

and I'd just like to get a photo of you, if that's OK.

'It's called Never Been Fingered.'

-What's the blog?

-It's called Never Been Fingered.

-Oh.

What?!

-Have a good day, yeah.

-Total lie.

Total lie? Oh, Christ, sorry!

Paul successfully gets some photos using the blog names

given by the jokers, so gets a pass.

Next up, it's Joel.

Excuse me, sir.

I was wondering, you're absolutely...

I just want to quickly take a photo of you for my blog.

I'm doing lots of different people here today. It'd be really quick.

'The blog's called Noses That Look Like a Penis.'

The blog's called, em...eh...

It's basically called Noses That Look Like...

..Princes.

Oh, you...! Come on, mate.

Excuse me, I was just wondering

whether I could take a quick photo of you for my blog?

It's called...

'Junk Junk Tug Tug.'

It's called Junk Junk Tug Tug. It's a very strange...

No. I don't think I will be...

Sir, I was just wondering

if I could take a quick photo of you for my blog.

You're absolutely perfect for it. It's... It's basically...

'It's called Three Inches or Less.'

It's called...

It's called just Guys With Glasses.

Fail, bail.

Joel bottles it and gets a fail.

Next up, it's Roisin.

Excuse me, sir, can I have a quick word?

I write a blog and I was wondering

if I could get a photo of you?

-'Please.'

-What kind of blog?

It's very straightforward, it's called...

People I'd Definitely Beat in a Fight.

It's quite a...

It's called People I'd Definitely Beat in a Fight.

No, you're all right, thanks.

That poor man.

I write a blog and I was wondering if I could get a photo for it.

-Uh-huh, what's the blog?

-It's called, em...

'Don't Mind If I do.'

It's called Don't Mind If I Do.

Yes!

-OK, yeah, go for it.

-Yeah? Brilliant.

Big smile.

Now say "Do you mind if I do?"

Do you mind if I do?

Roisin gets her photo and joins Paul with a pass.

Finally, it's Marek.

Ladies, would you mind if I took a photo of you for my blog I'm doing?

-Yeah, that'd be weird, no.

-It's not a weird blog.

Excuse me, ladies,

could I possibly take a photo of you for a blog that I'm doing?

-No, no, thank you.

-Oh, OK.

Excuse me, ladies,

could I possibly take a photo of you for a blog I'm doing?

-Eh...

-It won't take a second. It'd be really helpful.

It's called, the blog's called...

'Look Who I'm With Now, Sarah, You Cheating Slag.'

Look... Look Who I'm With Now, Sarah, You Cheating Slag.

-Cheese?

-No, thanks.

-No, you're all right!

-Ah!

-In your face, Marek!

-Excuse me, mate, could I take a photo of you for my blog?

-Yeah.

'It's called People Who Look Like' Me.

-It's called People Who Look Like Me.

-OK...

Brilliant.

Yes!

Marek eventually gets his photo and avoids a fail,

meaning, that after two challenges,

Joel is the current loser with one fail.

Hello there, how are you? Nice to meet you.

'Now we're posing as millionaires and have been paired off to give

'presentations giving tips on how to be successful.'

To be successful, you need to think

I am better than you, you, you, you.

The catch is the presentation is written by the other two jokers

so we have no idea what bullshit is contained.

PUmphengrind.

'The challenge is to deliver it convincingly.'

I... I feel quite scared.

Let's up the ante.

Oh, my God.

'At the end, we'll ask the class to rate our presentations.

'The pair with the lowest score loses.'

First up are Roisin and Paul.

-Hey, guys.

-Hello.

-Thank you for coming.

OK, Paul, take it away.

Thank you.

Section 1. The Dream.

I think it's obviously important to start with the dream.

-'These are your dreams, Paul.'

-My list.

My own home.

Don't currently have that

so that one's very much a dream at the moment.

Leisure time.

'Is that how you spell leisure, Paul?'

A nice get up.

'Explain it, please.'

So, I think it's important to look your best at all times.

-'Like today.'

-Like today, for example.

I've put a suit on. I like to look well presented.

'What's that Paul? Watching 16 to 18-year-old girls kissing?'

'Say it, Say it.'

That's something...

OK, well that's just something I've... Sorry.

Thank you, Paul. I really enjoyed that explanation.

How I became successful.

-'Here we go.

-Oh, God.'

M x P = Su... What?

Success...

P = Pubes.

M = My.

Just think about it before you judge,

put your...

This is your... Your own brains are saying,

"That... Well, it's madness", but think about it.

Oh, my God.

-'Great atmosphere in there.

-This is great.'

OK, this is just about my philosophy.

Explain it, please.

PUmphengrind.

I don't see nothing wrong with a little PUmphengrind.

This is a German philosophy.

It's very... It's a very simplistic kind of approach

to everything that you do. Eh, it's just, "What do I want?

"How am I going to achieve it

"in the most straightforward and simple way?"

PUmphengrind.

Dopple PUmphengrind - quite straightforward.

You're not achieving what you want, let's up the ante.

Let's double our efforts.

PUmphengrind Massive.

Again, you... Doors are closing,

you're really, kind of... Nothing is happening for you

and this is when you would go to PUmphengrind massive.

'Look at Roisin's face!'

What we'd like to do is just by way of a show of hands,

if you've found that useful, please put your hands up.

-'What? Oh...

-Oh, my gosh. Two.

'It's below average, though, it's below average.

'Not very successful, ironically.'

Two show of hands.

Roisin and Paul get two raised hands -

the total the other pair must now beat

to avoid a fail.

Next up, Joel and Marek.

Secret To My Success - that's the title.

Section 1, Goals.

Profit.

Obviously, profit is a big 'factability' in our success.

Personal achievement - some people measure their success

on their levels of personal achievement.

Susan. Eh...

'Who's that, Joel?'

Eh, Susan is... Has always been a goal of mine.

And, eh, one day, hopefully, I'll get Susan.

Eh, employ wisely, guys.

This is absolutely something I keep saying.

Employ wisely and look after your staff

because, if you don't look after your staff,

they won't look after you.

And so...

'Who's that, Joel?'

These are... These are... These are some of the...

These are some of the staff that... You know, eh...

Em...

They, you know... They might not look it, but they are so happy.

Em, there you go, Marek.

OK. This is my mantra.

It's what I go for inspiration.

It means...

Birds by the pots and the trees

don't look like the birds by the birds by the...hedges.

'You're really inspiring them, Marek(!)'

But when you go under the shade by the weird umbrella,

you might plant the seed of a ladder

which allows you to fly like an owl

and eat with a spoon and ride like a horse.

Then you'll see...your dinner.

This is drawing to a close now, so always remember...

..bumholes don't cry and...love the one you're with.

And now I'll show you the s...

The snog of success.

-Thing is, is that spelt wrong?

-Is that a song or a snog?

'Snog, no, it's the snog.'

-It wasn't spelt wrong.

-Who is that with?

'You need to demonstrate the snog of success.'

And then this is...

Something that we've found is that, eh...

Don't be scared, have no prejudices.

-I feel quite... I feel quite scared, though.

-Me too.

'Come on!'

So just basically...

No barriers. This is just an example.

-Congratulations.

-Congratulations.

'A proper snog.'

-Keep your lips on each other.

-Five...

-A proper snog, a proper snog.

-'..four.

-Come on, proper snogging.'

I mean, that's about it.

Very, very successful. OK.

Em...thank you very much for your time. Thank you.

Em, raise your hand if you found that helpful.

Three, four. Four people.

-'Come off it.

-In what way?'

-Four's pretty good.

-Well done.

-Well done. I'd say that's a success.

-Another kiss?

-Eh, nah!

With a score of four, Joel and Marek

beat Roisin and Paul,

earning themselves a couple of passes.

So, after the third challenge,

Roisin, Paul and Joel are level on one fail each,

and, if any of them fails the next challenge,

they'll face the humiliating forfeit.

We loved the cash and carry.

It's got everything you could ever want, ever.

Except we're not allowed to take anything from the shelves,

we're only allowed to do our shopping by taking things

out of other people's trolleys.

Oh, sorry.

And whoever gets the least amount of items, gets a fail.

First up to take items out of other shopper's trolleys is Joel.

Joel, push your trolley properly. That's it.

Use the bar provided.

'That guy's just parked up, he's tempting, he's saying, "Go on".

'Who parks like that outside a meat counter?

'Oh, my God, he's on, he's got something.

'He's got some car mats!

'Can you even drive?

'Deep breaths.'

'Get the meat, Joel.'

'Go, go, go.

'Oh, he's got it.'

'Great.'

'He's spotted you. he's spotted you.

'Keep walking.'

-JOEL:

-I'm so scared, I'm so scared.

Well done, Joel.

Joel takes two items, meaning that's the score to beat to avoid a fail.

Next up, it's Marek.

'Look at him. The most sinister man in...'

'Go, go, go, go. One thing.'

Oh, sorry.

'Go on, get this guy.'

'One item. Oh, he's in.

'Yes!

'He's getting it all!'

'You can say what you want about Marek

'but he doesn't mess about, does he?'

I was so scared I had to run.

Marek successfully takes four items, beating Joel's total,

which gets him a pass.

Next up, it's Roisin.

Baby in the pram.

'Only counts as one item.'

Oh, hello. Come to Momma.

'Oh, look at that. Oh what's that? Get the printer.

'She's got a whole printer. Go on, get the printer.

'See if you can get as much stuff as you can.

'Oh, no.

'Absolutely brutal. Get the whole printer.

'Get it, get it! She's going without it!

'Go back for the printer!'

Roisin takes six items, meaning she gets a pass

and avoids facing the forfeit.

Finally, it's Paul.

To avoid doing this week's forfeit,

he must now beat Joel's total of two items.

'Paul, is it true that every time you steal something

'your jumper shrinks?'

I hate to admit this, but I am absolutely bricking myself.

Hold on, is SAS training just finished?

Because, all of a sudden,

loads of really hard men just turned up.

'I think you should go for the mouthwash, Paul.'

'Go, go, go!'

'He's so massively bottled!'

-'I haven't seen you scared before, Paul.

-I've not either.'

'There he is.'

That man's shouting "Oi!"

He was shouting "Oi!"

You got a problem where you have to take stuff out our trolley?

No, sorry, mate, I didn't realise that was a trolley.

-I thought that was a thing.

-It was our trolley.

-Sorry, mate, I didn't realise.

-Cheers, thanks.

-No worries.

-It's about 15 rows back that way.

-Cheers, mate,

have a good day.

Think I'm about to get my head kicked in.

I'm actually finding this genuinely scary.

I am absolutely shitting myself.

There's just like loads of massive blokes buying big slabs of meat.

I genuinely don't think I can do this.

So Paul scores himself a big fat zero.

Which means, with two fails to his name, Paul is today's loser

and must now face the consequences.

-Loser, loser!

-Oh, here comes Mr Loser.

Loser revealed

Oh, poor Paul.

How are you? All right?

To console yourself having lost,

-why don't you treat yourself to a cup of coffee?

-Oh, thanks, Marek.

Yeah, you can take this laptop with you too,

and watch a little film we've prepared for you.

-Right.

-Maybe take the speaker and watch it on loudspeaker

-so everyone else can hear.

-Make sure you don't stop the film, Paul,

until the cockerel crows.

-Right.

-We'll see you after and try not to spill your milk.

Go on, mate.

'There he is.'

Here's Paul. He looks pretty seedy.

Glad you're on a wipe clean sofa there, Paul.

'Just get on with it. Press play on the laptop, go on.'

'Go on, Paul, just press play on the laptop,

'just watch a nice little video.'

PORNOGRAPHIC SFX SEXUAL PANTING AND MOANING

'Look serious, just look down at it.'

LOUD SEXUAL SLAPPING SOUNDS

'No bailing, Paul.'

FEMALE MOANING

No smiling, you perv.

COMIC / EXAGGERATED MALE GROANING

GROANING / MOANING CONTINUES

It's not over until the cockerel crows, Paul, remember that.

Are they telling him off?

LOUD SEXUAL MOANING CONTINUES

'Don't you turn it down, don't you turn it down.'

HORSE NICKERS

HUMAN MOANING INCREASES

HORSE NEIGHS

COCKEREL CROWS

-'Oh, well done, Paul.

-There we go.'

'We enjoyed that.'

ROISIN MIMICS SEX NOISES

You are evil! Oh, you are evil.

It was your voices that was the worst bit.

It was disgusting.

You made a good perv, though.

You looked like you'd done it before.

You looked bored watching it.

Need something a bit more spicy, to be honest with you.

That's all from Impractical Jokers this week.

Next time, the jokers talk nonsense...

I can lick myself like a cat.

..pretend to know people...

Bob, Bob!

..and read fortunes.

-Chaka Khan!

-Oh, I dinnae like this.