Episode 6 Impractical Jokers


Episode 6

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Let's go and touch some people up.

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This is Impractical Jokers, the hidden camera show where

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four comedians compete to embarrass each other in everyday situations.

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The jokers are: Joel Dommett.

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My name is Pedro.

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Roisin Conaty.

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I am better than you.

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-Paul McCaffrey.

-I genuinely don't think I can do this.

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-And Marek Larwood.

-Thank you very much for your time. Thank you very much.

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They have to do and say everything the others tell them,

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or face a forfeit.

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# I'm a referee lover. #

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It's a ruthless fight to the finish, where there's no winner,

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just a loser.

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Ah!

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Today the jokers are in Leicester Square,

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and they're going to strike up conversations

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with complete strangers.

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Excuse me, guys.

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There's a premiere happening here at three, is it?

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But at some point, they're going to be fed a line by the other jokers.

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I can fit my dick in that bin.

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All they know is that they have to keep that line of conversation going for 20 seconds.

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Have you ever dressed up as a sailor?

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You've not dressed up as a sailor?

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Aye-aye!

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Any joker who fails to keep it going loses.

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First up, it's Marek.

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Sorry, mate, sorry to bother you.

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Do you know anywhere I can buy shorts round here

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-cos I need to get some for summer?

-No, I don't.

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You don't know? Where's the shopping district?

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I got a hand job in Bradford once.

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Uh...

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Keep walking here, when you get to the five guys...

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Chuck it in, come on. Chuck it in.

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..Jack Wolfskin.

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Oh! I'll tell you what, though, mate...

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I...I got a hand-job in Bradford once.

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-You've been to Bradford?

-No, I have not.

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It's really good.

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Everyone there is really friendly.

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OK.

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Try again, mate.

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Do you know if Covent Garden's this way?

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Sorry. Or that way or..?

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Say, "I can lick myself like a cat."

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-Yeah.

-I think it's that way.

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But ask someone.

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Yeah. I can lick myself like a cat.

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-You can what?

-Lick myself like a cat.

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He's going, he's going. Oh, he's gone!

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Nope. He's gone!

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Unlucky.

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Do it again, Marek.

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Sorry to bother you, mate. Do you... Have you...

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Can you walk to Covent Garden from here? Cos I'm a little bit lost.

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-Covent Garden, yeah, you just go down...

-Can't wait for this one.

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I'm still allowed to breast-feed on birthdays and Christmas.

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And I don't turn off anywhere?

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No. No, no.

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I'll tell you what, though,

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I'm still allowed to, like,

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breast-feed on birthdays and Christmas.

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So it's really good because I don't have to worry.

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I don't have to worry so much about,

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you know, what I'm going to do.

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I can hold on, knowing I've got Christmas

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to look forward to, and my birthday.

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You're losing him, Marek. You're losing him.

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My birthdays are halfway through.

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Bad luck, Marek.

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Marek doesn't carry on any conversation

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for the 20 seconds, so gets a fail.

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Next, it's Joel.

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Oh, I just feel so...

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-Scared?

-Yeah, scared.

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Go on, Joelly.

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-All these people flying out...

-I agree, all these people flying...

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I think the flying out is the main thing with that.

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Don't you..? I agree with you entirely.

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Flying up or flying out?

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Flying up, mainly, and then flying out.

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I've never seen one of my own shits.

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I... I have never seen one of my own...

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Um... Never mind.

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Ah!

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I'm so scared!

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Excuse me, mate. Do you know the area at all?

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-Not that much.

-Not that much? Do you know..?

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Do you know just, like, where the nearest...

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sort of, nearest coffee shop is or anything?

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And then say, "I hate having to rubber up."

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I don't know, you have like... to go that way to get the...

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Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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I mean, I just hate

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having to rubber up, you know?

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I don't know.

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Do you ever have that same feeling? When you're...

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-You just...

-When you're rubbering it up?

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You know, you just hate it when you have to...you know,

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you're in...you're about to just...

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When you're doing the washing up

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and you have to put the rubber gloves on? And...no?

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-Ah, that's not what we meant, Joel.

-No? No?

-No.

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That's a massive fail.

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Boo!

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Joel veers off the subject, so joins Marek with a fail.

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Next, it's Paul.

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-Have you just been in that cinema?

-No.

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No? It's rubbish!

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I shat out a slipper this morning.

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I think I've had one of the worst starts to the day.

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First of all, I woke up this morning...

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Say it.

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I shat out a slipper this morning.

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It was like a moccasin.

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I mean, the surprising thing was,

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I don't remember eating it!

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You know, so it came out.

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Last time that happened was Christmas,

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and that wasn't a moccasin,

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that was a Doctor Marten boot.

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So...

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Size 12, so I'm a size 4,

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so it must've been someone else's.

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You can imagine the surprise. It was, er...

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-Well done.

-Good work! Wow.

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-A moccasin?!

-Have a good day.

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Paul's the first joker

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to succeed and get a pass.

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Finally, it's Roisin.

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Excuse me.

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Do you think the red lipstick and the red jacket is too much?

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-I like the colour.

-You like the colour?

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-I think it's just a bit too...

-Bit too red? Too much?

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I like to dribble down myself and make my own wet T-shirt competition.

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And make it a little bit less..?

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But no, it looks nice.

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So I like to dribble down myself

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and make my own wet T-shirt competition.

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And just see how that goes, really, you know?

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It takes a lot of dribble.

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You've got to drink a lot of water to...you know...

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because I'm quite full-chested.

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That must be nearly time.

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I really need to

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get my drool on, get my old drool on.

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-Yeah.

-So... 'Three, two, one!'

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-Drooly, drooly, drooly. Drooling all over myself.

-She's done it!

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-Hopefully see you again!

-Well done.

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Who knew you could talk so much dribble?

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Roisin carries on the conversation

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for the whole 20 seconds

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and joins Paul with a pass.

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Which means, at the end of the first challenge,

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Marek and Joel are the current losers with one fail each.

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Predicting the future is easy.

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I predict we're going to set up a tarot card stall

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and give away free readings.

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I'm just going to ask you a few very simple things.

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I would definitely say you're a man.

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Our challenge, that we'll have to do and say...

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everything the other jokers tell us.

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Ooh!

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The tower!

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Ooh, the tower! Ooh!

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'And if we don't get a tip, we get a fail.'

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Would you like to leave me a tip?

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First to try and get a tip for a reading is Joel.

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I'm doing free tarot card readings for today, sir.

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Just wondering whether you'd be interested in something like that? Yeah, you're in?

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-Go, go, go.

-Take a seat down there. What's your name, my friend?

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-Daniel.

-Daniel!

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-Yeah.

-Have you ever had a tarot card reading before, Daniel?

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-No.

-No?

-Just to give you some idea of my power...

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Just to give you a small indication of my powers...

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I predicted when Neighbours was going to be moved to Channel 5.

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Uh...I predicted when Neighbours was going to move to Channel 5.

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-Really?

-OK, here we go. And that is the star.

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Absolutely brilliant card for you, Daniel.

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Very exciting news for you, Daniel.

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-You...

-You're going to have a threesome with 19-year-old Swedish twins.

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..are going to have... yeah...you're going to have a...

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-threesome.

-Oh, really?

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With 19-year-old Swedish twins. High-five!

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And the twins' names...

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The twins' names are...

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Boris and Bjorn.

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They are...they're Boris and Bjorn?

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Just wondering whether we could have... I mean, it's just for tips.

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-I'll just give you some pennies.

-Yes!

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-There we go!

-Joel gets a tip so he gets a pass.

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Next up, it's Marek.

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-Tarot card reading today, sir?

-Straight in, mate.

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-If you'd like to take a seat, please.

-They call me Crystal Bald.

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Call me Crystal Bald. OK.

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OK. Right, first card.

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What is it?

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It's the star.

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"Ooh, the star!" in a sarky voice.

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Look at me! I'm a star!

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Oh, get me on Celebrity Big Brother.

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Oh, it's bullshit!

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This next card is...

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The Wheel of Fortune. It... Absolute great card.

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This means...

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Someone's going to lose their virginity tonight.

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Someone is going to...

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Do it, Marek. Come on!

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Someone's going to...have a...

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a good time.

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A good thing is going to happen to you.

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If you want to leave a tip, you don't have to, whatever,

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if you thought it was worthwhile. Did you find that worthwhile at all?

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-Yeah...

-Things are going to go well.

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So if you're here this time next week I'll be able to tell you.

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You're going to have a great week. Take care.

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Nice to meet you. All the best.

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Great, thank you.

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Yeah, yeah!

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Marek gets a tip for that reading so he gets a pass.

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Next, it's Paul.

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Hello, there. We're doing free tarot readings today.

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-Are you?

-Have you ever had your tarot done?

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-Yeah, yeah.

-Where was it?

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-Back in Manchester, where I'm from.

-Oh, in Manchester?!

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I love Manchester. I base my haircut on it.

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-I love Manchester. I base my haircut on it, clearly.

-Yeah. Stone Roses.

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-Stone Roses, aye.

-Let's go.

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Let's go. OK. The Wheel of Fortune! Ah, fantastic!

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-What would my nan say here?

-What would my nan say here?

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In an old woman's Irish accent... sounding drunk...

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Always book your tickets in advance.

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She would look at this

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and go, "Always book your tickets in advance!

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"Because sometimes singles are cheaper than returns!"

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Always make sure you use the loo before you leave as well.

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Because those toilets are fucking disgusting.

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She says, "Always use the toilets before you leave the house

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"because the ones on the trains are fucking disgusting.

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"You be careful what you catch off them."

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And respond to this card - give it a kiss. Hello, mate.

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-Hello, mate.

-How you been?

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How you been? Haven't seen you in a while.

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Put it near your ear. What are you saying about her?

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What you saying?

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Yes, you're right. She is very hot.

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She is very hot!

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There's loads of positivity.

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Absolutely fantastic, and it's been...

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lovely to meet you. Obviously it's free,

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-but if you...have enjoyed it today...like...

-Do you want a tip?

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Only if you feel like I deserve it.

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Thank you so, so much.

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That was amazing.

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So Paul also gets a tip and joins Marek and Joel with a pass.

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Finally to try and get a tip for a reading is Roisin.

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-Yes, it is free.

-Right, OK.

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Straight in now. Big yourself up.

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I am the hot new thing on the psychic circuit.

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I'm the hot new thing on the old... the tarot psychic world.

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My name is Chakra Khan.

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My name's Chakra...Chakra Khan.

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Cards over your shoulder.

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-Won't be needing those.

-Won't be needing those.

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-Why?

-On your feet now.

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Right.

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OK. Avalon.

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Avalon.

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Stonehenge.

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Stonehenge.

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Dreams.

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-Dreams.

-Realities.

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Realities.

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-The mind.

-The mind.

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-The soul.

-The soul.

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-Bums.

-Bums.

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-Tums.

-Tums.

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Eyes.

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OK.

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-OK.

-Name. Give me your name.

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Name. Give me your name.

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My name? Lisa.

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Yeah. First name. First name. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

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I knew it was going to be Lisa. Chakra Khan.

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Think of a number between one and three.

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Two.

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-Limbo!

-Limbo!

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In between, say Chakra Khan.

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Chakra Khan!

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Oh, I don't like this.

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-You don't like it?

-No. It's weird.

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Sorry, it's my first time.

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I was just trying to make it a bit more...

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Is that what you do, just that?

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Would you like to leave me a tip?

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-No!

-Absolutely not?

-No.

-Thank you very much.

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Being honest, it was rubbish.

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No tip.

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Roisin gets no tips for her reading but she does get a fail.

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So at the end of challenge two, Marek, Roisin

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and Joel are all level with one fail each.

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Hello, mate. How you doing?

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We're here on the streets of Glasgow

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and our task is to get complete strangers to think they know us.

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-Hello, tiger!

-Hello, Steve!

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If that's not difficult enough,

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we have the other jokers in our ears making up ridiculous reasons!

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We met at that cock fight!

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We met at...at the cock fight!

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The goal is to get the strangers to agree that they know us.

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-Lisa!

-No.

-Claire?

-No.

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Susan!

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If we can't get anyone to agree, we lose.

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Mum!

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Them's the rules!

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First to get a stranger to remember them is Marek.

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Yes, this guy.

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Call him a legend. Legend!

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Lege, mate. I know you, don't I, from...I know you from..?

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Lege? Lege! We used to be mates! Hey, Lege! Come on!

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Legend! Lege! Legey!

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Old Lege there's ignoring me.

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It's going to take a miracle.

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-All right, mate? I know you from...?

-We had poppadoms at curries!

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We had poppadoms, didn't we? Not English poppadoms.

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-Indian poppadoms.

-Spanish.

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-Spanish poppadoms?

-No...

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I met you in Barcelona, was it? What's your name? Is your..?

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-Yes!

-Yes!

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Hug him! Go in!

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Remember, we had those poppadoms?

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They were disgusting, I was sick everywhere!

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-Oh.

-I was the French guy with the massive dong.

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I was the French guy with the... with the...

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with the massive dong. A massive dong.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, that's right!

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Well, that's the size - about that!

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It was great to see you, anyway.

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-Do you remember me?

-No.

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-Oh. I can't believe it. You let me down!

-Sorry.

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No, it's all right.

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See you. Traitor!

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Marek doesn't convince anyone that they know him

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so he gets a fail.

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Next up, Roisin.

0:15:080:15:10

Oi! Oi!

0:15:120:15:13

-JOKERS LAUGH

-'Nice!'

0:15:130:15:15

Hello! How've you been?

0:15:150:15:16

'Like it.'

0:15:160:15:17

You don't remember me?

0:15:170:15:19

-No.

-"Horny wives book club."

0:15:190:15:21

Horny wives book club!

0:15:210:15:22

"You always rip the last pages out, don't you?"

0:15:220:15:25

-You always rip the last pages out, don't you?

-No.

0:15:250:15:28

You little tinker.

0:15:280:15:30

Oh, you do remember me!

0:15:300:15:31

You do remember me!

0:15:310:15:33

-There you are! How have you been?

-What?

0:15:360:15:39

"We met at the photographer thing."

0:15:390:15:41

-Remember the photography event we went to?

-No.

0:15:410:15:44

You kept on zooming in on my big wig-wams.

0:15:440:15:45

I've never been to a photography event.

0:15:450:15:48

You were the one... Remember we did the photo and...

0:15:480:15:50

'Say it!'

0:15:500:15:52

Oh, you were zooming in on my... wig-wams.

0:15:520:15:57

"Try looking at me through the camera like you did that night."

0:15:570:15:59

I think if you look through there at me then you'll recognise me.

0:15:590:16:02

"I was the wrong way round."

0:16:020:16:03

I was the wrong way round. I was like... do you remember me like that?

0:16:030:16:06

-What about like this?

-No.

0:16:080:16:10

What about like this?

0:16:100:16:12

Yeah!

0:16:120:16:13

I can't believe...! You must...

0:16:130:16:14

you must remember this one.

0:16:140:16:16

"You made me hold those peaches for hours."

0:16:160:16:18

You made me hold those peaches for hours.

0:16:180:16:19

How can you not remember me?!

0:16:190:16:21

This is the weirdest thing in the world.

0:16:210:16:23

It's crazy you don't remember me!

0:16:230:16:25

I've never... I - honestly, I haven't met you.

0:16:250:16:28

Aww, that was a sterling effort.

0:16:280:16:31

That's not a thumb sign, you're just pointing at your boobs!

0:16:310:16:34

Roisin doesn't convince a stranger to remember her,

0:16:340:16:37

so she joins Marek with a fail.

0:16:370:16:40

Next up, it's Joel.

0:16:400:16:43

Go up to that bloke, that bald bloke, and shout "Marek!

0:16:430:16:45

"It's you, right?!" Go on! "Marek!"

0:16:450:16:49

Is it Marek?

0:16:490:16:50

It's not Marek.

0:16:500:16:52

Hey, didn't we...?

0:16:540:16:56

-"We met at the Scooby-Doo."

-We met at the Scooby-Doo thing.

0:16:560:16:58

"You came as Sue Lewis."

0:16:580:16:59

You came as Sue Lewis.

0:16:590:17:01

"I came as Trevor McDonald."

0:17:010:17:02

I came as...Trevor McDonald.

0:17:020:17:04

-Wrong person!

-No, it must be!

0:17:040:17:06

"I'm going to show you something and you'll remember it straightaway."

0:17:060:17:09

-Look, remember, we did this together.

-Start cycling.

0:17:090:17:11

Right, we did...the thing...

0:17:110:17:13

And then start shouting...

0:17:130:17:14

-MAREK: "You know, bot-bot!"

-You know, bot-bot!

-"Bot-bot!"

0:17:140:17:17

We did bot-bot!

0:17:170:17:18

And we were like, "Bot-bot!"

0:17:180:17:20

Stick to taking the medication. Honestly, it wasn't me, man.

0:17:200:17:22

We did the bot-bot!

0:17:220:17:23

Start making sex noises. Sex noises.

0:17:230:17:25

Bot-bot! Bot-bot! Uhh...

0:17:250:17:28

With the bot-bot. Uhh... With the bot-bot!

0:17:280:17:31

-Uhh. With the bot-bot.

-Have a good day.

0:17:310:17:33

Unhhh...

0:17:330:17:35

-Unlucky, Joel.

-Yeah.

0:17:350:17:37

Oh, with the bot-bot.

0:17:370:17:38

Joel isn't successful either

0:17:410:17:43

and joins the others with a fail.

0:17:430:17:45

Finally, it's Paul.

0:17:450:17:46

You do look like you're waiting for the rest of your band to show up.

0:17:490:17:52

You look like you've been dropped in the wrong city.

0:17:520:17:54

Oh, my God! Hello, mate! How you doing?

0:17:590:18:01

"I tried to buy your kidney!"

0:18:010:18:03

I don't remember you.

0:18:030:18:04

-Yeah...

-Sorry.

0:18:040:18:06

We met last week.

0:18:060:18:08

-Not me.

-'Say it!'

0:18:080:18:09

-'Say it, Paul.'

-"Your lovely, sexy kidney."

0:18:090:18:11

Sorry, dude. You've got the wrong guy.

0:18:110:18:13

I tried to buy your kidney!

0:18:130:18:15

"Is it still for sale?"

0:18:170:18:18

Is...?

0:18:180:18:19

I think he's... I think he's already sold it.

0:18:230:18:25

Hello, mate!

0:18:280:18:29

How's it going? All right?

0:18:290:18:30

Good to see you again.

0:18:300:18:32

-Oh, er...

-From the other night. I'm trying to think.

0:18:320:18:35

I don't think I know you, mate.

0:18:350:18:37

-Yeah, we met the other night, didn't we?

-"Chess club."

0:18:370:18:39

-Was it chess club?

-What?

-"You moved my pawn."

0:18:390:18:41

You moved my pawn at the chess club the other night.

0:18:410:18:43

I don't know you, honest.

0:18:430:18:44

We definitely met! What's your name again?

0:18:440:18:48

James.

0:18:480:18:49

James! We spoke for about three hours.

0:18:490:18:52

"Come on, mate. We smelt each other's hair."

0:18:520:18:54

It was like last Sunday, I'm sure, or the Sunday before.

0:18:540:18:57

"Come on, mate.."

0:18:570:18:58

We smelt each other's... we smelt each other's hair.

0:18:580:19:02

-Oh, right, right, right.

-Smell that. See if you can remember.

0:19:020:19:04

-Yeah.

-You remember it!

-Yeah.

-Good man!

0:19:040:19:07

-Yeah.

-You legend!

0:19:070:19:09

Take it easy, God bless.

0:19:090:19:11

Smell that, mothers!

0:19:110:19:12

Mate. I've just got a memorable face, Marek. What can I say?

0:19:140:19:17

So Paul's the only joker to succeed and get a pass.

0:19:190:19:21

Which means, at the end of challenge three,

0:19:250:19:27

Marek, Roisin and Joel are level on two fails each.

0:19:270:19:31

High-five is when you hit someone with your hand on their hand.

0:19:350:19:39

-Isn't it, Paul?

-Yeah, that's right.

0:19:390:19:40

Show me someone that doesn't like to high-five

0:19:400:19:42

and I'll show you someone that is dead inside.

0:19:420:19:44

Hey, sir. Nice to see you.

0:19:460:19:47

And now we have to high-five complete strangers

0:19:480:19:51

as many times as possible - and whoever gets the fewest, loses.

0:19:510:19:55

First up, it's Marek.

0:19:580:20:00

He's joint loser at the moment

0:20:000:20:01

with Roisin and Joel,

0:20:010:20:02

and if any of them fail, they'll face this week's forfeit.

0:20:020:20:06

Every day I've just realised that he looks more like a pigeon.

0:20:060:20:10

-Doesn't he?

-He's got a real pigeon profile.

0:20:100:20:13

How's it going, ladies? High-five!

0:20:130:20:15

-Oh, God.

-Sorry, I'm in a rush.

-OK.

0:20:150:20:16

"Sorry, I'm in a rush"!

0:20:160:20:18

Sorry, mate, do you know where the...?

0:20:180:20:20

Sorry to bother you.

0:20:200:20:21

Do you know where the Glasgow Museum of Modern Art is?

0:20:210:20:23

-No idea. We're just visiting ourselves.

-Oh, where from?

0:20:230:20:26

-'Oh!'

-Inverness.

-Inverness. I love Inverness.

0:20:260:20:28

-It's a great place, isn't it? How long you been there?

-Six years.

0:20:280:20:30

Ah, nice one, mate.

0:20:300:20:32

A lot of my best mates are from Inverness. They're really cool.

0:20:320:20:34

High-five! Yeah!

0:20:340:20:36

Yeah!

0:20:360:20:38

-'Yeah!'

-'He's just hitting him!'

0:20:380:20:40

Yeah!

0:20:440:20:47

Yeah!

0:20:470:20:48

That was loads. That was at least 30.

0:20:500:20:52

-No way!

-No way.

0:20:520:20:54

Marek scores 33,

0:20:540:20:56

and that's the score to beat to avoid a fail.

0:20:560:20:59

Next up, it's Paul.

0:20:590:21:01

How's it going?

0:21:020:21:04

Yeah!

0:21:050:21:06

That was amazing.

0:21:090:21:10

JOKERS LAUGH

0:21:160:21:18

Hello, mate. Doing all right?

0:21:190:21:21

-Do you know where the punk disco is?

-No.

0:21:210:21:24

'Ooh!'

0:21:260:21:27

You looked like you were trying to hit him!

0:21:270:21:29

That was way too much!

0:21:290:21:31

It's high-five, not GBH, Paul.

0:21:310:21:33

-Oh, are you doing for the Red Cross?

-Yeah.

0:21:350:21:37

How are you getting on today? I used to do that as well.

0:21:370:21:39

Having a good day? Yeah.

0:21:390:21:40

You look like somebody. You look like Noel Gallagher.

0:21:400:21:42

I look like Noel Gallagher?

0:21:420:21:44

-I like that.

-'On a good day.'

0:21:440:21:46

2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

0:21:460:21:49

All right, see who's going to be the last to stop.

0:21:520:21:55

-Is this the high-five championships?

-Blimey!

0:21:580:22:00

-'What the fuck is happening?'

-More!

0:22:000:22:02

Thank you. Have a good day!

0:22:020:22:03

See who's going to be the last to stop.

0:22:030:22:05

-That's a good tactic.

-That's a good tactic.

0:22:050:22:07

Paul does well,

0:22:070:22:08

but not well enough to beat Marek's score.

0:22:080:22:10

He'll get a fail unless another joker scores lower.

0:22:100:22:14

Let's see how Joel gets on.

0:22:140:22:15

Got any tactics, Joel?

0:22:180:22:19

Yeah, I've got a few things in my bag.

0:22:190:22:21

That sounds quite sinister.

0:22:220:22:24

Back into being scared again. OK.

0:22:260:22:28

Back into being scared.

0:22:280:22:30

Relax. Put those shoulders back.

0:22:300:22:32

Pull those trousers up.

0:22:320:22:34

ROISIN: Let's go.

0:22:340:22:36

No.

0:22:380:22:40

That was an amazing tactic.

0:22:400:22:41

Out of nowhere.

0:22:410:22:42

MAREK: I don't think that's a good enough Scottish accent.

0:22:420:22:45

Try it in Welsh.

0:22:450:22:46

Hello, sir.

0:22:470:22:48

I've just got my hand out of plaster and I was just wondering

0:22:480:22:51

-if you could just touch my hand and see...

-'Oh, my God!'

0:22:510:22:53

..if it feels real.

0:22:530:22:55

Come off it, mate.

0:22:550:22:56

You're SO losing this challenge, Joel.

0:22:560:22:58

High-five if you love Scotland!

0:22:580:23:00

Hey, I love Scotland! High-five!

0:23:020:23:04

Straight in! Two. Three! Three!

0:23:040:23:07

I think two are enough, mate.

0:23:070:23:08

Three! Three! No, four.

0:23:080:23:09

Not a good enough Scottish accent.

0:23:090:23:11

-High-five if you love Scotland.

-Eh?

0:23:130:23:15

High-five if you love Scotland.

0:23:150:23:18

-Are you having me on?

-Yeah!

0:23:180:23:19

Come on, two, two. All right.

0:23:190:23:20

Three. Three, three.

0:23:200:23:23

Get out. Get out.

0:23:230:23:25

With only four high fives,

0:23:270:23:29

Joel is currently looking at another fail

0:23:290:23:31

and will face this week's forfeit.

0:23:310:23:34

That is, unless Roisin does even worse.

0:23:340:23:37

You're like a partially shaved lion.

0:23:390:23:42

Like a poodle.

0:23:420:23:43

It's Glasgow, not Moscow.

0:23:430:23:46

HE WHISTLES

0:23:460:23:47

High-five, sir.

0:23:490:23:51

Hey, sir. Nice to see you.

0:23:560:23:58

Does my hand smell?

0:23:590:24:01

-High-five. I've got that camera!

-Oh, have you?

0:24:050:24:07

Yeah. High-five!

0:24:070:24:09

Oh, off she goes.

0:24:090:24:10

-Are you on holiday?

-Ah, yeah. Yes.

0:24:100:24:12

Oh, cool. Are you just taking photos of Glasgow?

0:24:120:24:14

-Everything.

-Oh, nice.

-Yeah.

0:24:140:24:16

-Where are you from?

-Just the US.

0:24:160:24:17

Oh, high-five! Whereabouts?

0:24:170:24:19

-Er, Minnesota.

-I haven't been, but I've heard it's amazing.

0:24:190:24:22

I've seen this tactic somewhere before.

0:24:220:24:24

-High-five! What kind of camera is it?

-Er...

0:24:240:24:27

She thinks she's going to steal it.

0:24:270:24:28

-Oh, cool. Yeah.

-It's doing the job.

0:24:280:24:30

Yeah, it's doing the job. Well, it was lovely to meet you. High-five!

0:24:300:24:33

'No, she only needs one more. Don't do it, Roisin!'

0:24:330:24:35

We love high-fiving.

0:24:350:24:36

'Argh, she's done it!'

0:24:360:24:37

It's one of my favourite things to do. It's like a hobby!

0:24:370:24:40

-It's sort of like an addiction.

-Well...

0:24:400:24:42

-Can I just have a couple more?

-Good luck.

0:24:420:24:44

It's not a sexual thing.

0:24:440:24:45

-"It's not a sexual thing"!

-That's...

0:24:450:24:48

Roisin beat Joel and earns herself a pass.

0:24:510:24:54

Which means, with three fails to his name...

0:24:560:24:58

Joel is this week's loser

0:24:580:25:00

and must now face the consequences.

0:25:000:25:02

-Oh, here comes the loser.

-Hey, best friends!

-Loser!

0:25:040:25:07

-Oh, hello, mate.

-Loser!

0:25:070:25:08

Whatever, guys. I'm a winner in life. So...

0:25:080:25:11

Oh, I'll tell you what, though -

0:25:110:25:12

I'm pretty excited, because you're a world-famous artist, aren't you?

0:25:120:25:15

-Is it the exhibition today?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:25:150:25:17

-What exhibition?

-The exhibition we've prepared for you.

0:25:170:25:20

We've made all the stuff ourselves, so...

0:25:200:25:22

Come on, then, Joel, we'd better go, mate.

0:25:220:25:24

Your audience is waiting for you. Let's go.

0:25:240:25:25

So Joel is about to be thrown in front of an expectant,

0:25:250:25:28

critical, art-loving audience to present an extraordinary

0:25:280:25:32

collection which he's never seen before.

0:25:320:25:35

Ladies and gentlemen, London's most talked-about new artist

0:25:350:25:39

and recent winner of the Nonny Prize, it's Dommett!

0:25:390:25:43

Hello, everybody.

0:25:430:25:45

Hello. How are you all?

0:25:450:25:46

Good, good, good. Nice to see you all here today.

0:25:460:25:49

So I'm basically a bit of an experimental artist

0:25:490:25:53

and so I've brought you all here today to...

0:25:530:25:56

to see some things.

0:25:560:25:59

This is installation one - Left Messages.

0:26:000:26:04

'Yes, Joel, you've shat on a gravestone.'

0:26:070:26:10

Look at that guy's face!

0:26:100:26:12

I mean, it's... I...

0:26:120:26:15

Yeah, I just didn't like... I didn't...

0:26:150:26:17

You know, I'm saying that I don't like death.

0:26:170:26:20

So, we'll pop onto the next one now.

0:26:220:26:24

This is, again, just another message that I've left.

0:26:240:26:27

Now, just a great...

0:26:320:26:35

..metaphor for the fact that we all eat shit these days, you know?

0:26:360:26:40

'Oh, Joel!'

0:26:440:26:45

Um...

0:26:490:26:51

It's a child's swing in a park.

0:26:510:26:52

Yeah.

0:26:540:26:55

Just the...yeah.

0:26:550:26:57

And...right, this is my final piece.

0:26:580:27:02

This is a sculpture made from things that

0:27:020:27:04

I've stolen from people's gardens.

0:27:040:27:05

I've stolen most of this stuff from people's gardens.

0:27:050:27:08

Er...

0:27:130:27:15

This piece is called...

0:27:150:27:18

it's called I Did My Horny Knickers.

0:27:180:27:20

"My Horny Knickers"?

0:27:200:27:22

And, yeah, just spells out, you know,

0:27:220:27:25

how a lot of people feel on a day-to-day basis.

0:27:250:27:28

What bits did you use to make the letters?

0:27:280:27:30

And I used the... the bit here to make the letters.

0:27:300:27:35

What bit?

0:27:350:27:36

This bit to... Yeah, the crotch bit.

0:27:360:27:38

It's just, really, you know...

0:27:400:27:42

Do you guys... Do you guys like it?

0:27:420:27:45

It looks like the work of a repressed, white teenager.

0:27:480:27:51

It looks like...

0:27:510:27:53

Which would be the case.

0:27:530:27:54

Yeah, I think that's probably the case.

0:27:540:27:56

I think that's almost definitely the case.

0:27:560:27:58

Boom!

0:27:580:28:00

# Hey, hey, hey, yeah

0:28:020:28:05

# How you like me now?

0:28:050:28:07

# I try to have a little fun now

0:28:110:28:14

# I stay with my ear to the drum now

0:28:160:28:20

# Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah

0:28:200:28:22

# Turn it up, turn it up now

0:28:220:28:25

# Hey, hey, hey, yeah turn me up... #

0:28:250:28:28

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