Episode 6 Impractical Jokers

This programme contains some strong language

Let's go and touch some people up.

This is Impractical Jokers, the hidden camera show where

four comedians compete to embarrass each other in everyday situations.

The jokers are: Joel Dommett.

My name is Pedro.

Roisin Conaty.

I am better than you.

-Paul McCaffrey.

-I genuinely don't think I can do this.

-And Marek Larwood.

-Thank you very much for your time. Thank you very much.

They have to do and say everything the others tell them,

or face a forfeit.

# I'm a referee lover. #

It's a ruthless fight to the finish, where there's no winner,

just a loser.

Ah!

Today the jokers are in Leicester Square,

and they're going to strike up conversations

with complete strangers.

Excuse me, guys.

There's a premiere happening here at three, is it?

But at some point, they're going to be fed a line by the other jokers.

I can fit my dick in that bin.

All they know is that they have to keep that line of conversation going for 20 seconds.

Have you ever dressed up as a sailor?

You've not dressed up as a sailor?

Aye-aye!

Any joker who fails to keep it going loses.

First up, it's Marek.

Sorry, mate, sorry to bother you.

Do you know anywhere I can buy shorts round here

-cos I need to get some for summer?

-No, I don't.

You don't know? Where's the shopping district?

I got a hand job in Bradford once.

Uh...

Keep walking here, when you get to the five guys...

Chuck it in, come on. Chuck it in.

..Jack Wolfskin.

Oh! I'll tell you what, though, mate...

I...I got a hand-job in Bradford once.

-You've been to Bradford?

-No, I have not.

It's really good.

Everyone there is really friendly.

OK.

Try again, mate.

Do you know if Covent Garden's this way?

Sorry. Or that way or..?

Say, "I can lick myself like a cat."

-Yeah.

-I think it's that way.

But ask someone.

Yeah. I can lick myself like a cat.

-You can what?

-Lick myself like a cat.

He's going, he's going. Oh, he's gone!

Nope. He's gone!

Unlucky.

Do it again, Marek.

Sorry to bother you, mate. Do you... Have you...

Can you walk to Covent Garden from here? Cos I'm a little bit lost.

-Covent Garden, yeah, you just go down...

-Can't wait for this one.

I'm still allowed to breast-feed on birthdays and Christmas.

And I don't turn off anywhere?

No. No, no.

I'll tell you what, though,

I'm still allowed to, like,

breast-feed on birthdays and Christmas.

So it's really good because I don't have to worry.

I don't have to worry so much about,

you know, what I'm going to do.

I can hold on, knowing I've got Christmas

to look forward to, and my birthday.

You're losing him, Marek. You're losing him.

My birthdays are halfway through.

Bad luck, Marek.

Marek doesn't carry on any conversation

for the 20 seconds, so gets a fail.

Next, it's Joel.

Oh, I just feel so...

-Scared?

-Yeah, scared.

Go on, Joelly.

-All these people flying out...

-I agree, all these people flying...

I think the flying out is the main thing with that.

Don't you..? I agree with you entirely.

Flying up or flying out?

Flying up, mainly, and then flying out.

I've never seen one of my own shits.

I... I have never seen one of my own...

Um... Never mind.

Ah!

I'm so scared!

Excuse me, mate. Do you know the area at all?

-Not that much.

-Not that much? Do you know..?

Do you know just, like, where the nearest...

sort of, nearest coffee shop is or anything?

And then say, "I hate having to rubber up."

I don't know, you have like... to go that way to get the...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I just hate

having to rubber up, you know?

I don't know.

Do you ever have that same feeling? When you're...

-You just...

-When you're rubbering it up?

You know, you just hate it when you have to...you know,

you're in...you're about to just...

When you're doing the washing up

and you have to put the rubber gloves on? And...no?

-Ah, that's not what we meant, Joel.

-No? No?

-No.

That's a massive fail.

Boo!

Joel veers off the subject, so joins Marek with a fail.

Next, it's Paul.

-Have you just been in that cinema?

-No.

No? It's rubbish!

I shat out a slipper this morning.

I think I've had one of the worst starts to the day.

First of all, I woke up this morning...

Say it.

I shat out a slipper this morning.

It was like a moccasin.

I mean, the surprising thing was,

I don't remember eating it!

You know, so it came out.

Last time that happened was Christmas,

and that wasn't a moccasin,

that was a Doctor Marten boot.

So...

Size 12, so I'm a size 4,

so it must've been someone else's.

You can imagine the surprise. It was, er...

-Well done.

-Good work! Wow.

-A moccasin?!

-Have a good day.

Paul's the first joker

to succeed and get a pass.

Finally, it's Roisin.

Excuse me.

Do you think the red lipstick and the red jacket is too much?

-I like the colour.

-You like the colour?

-I think it's just a bit too...

-Bit too red? Too much?

I like to dribble down myself and make my own wet T-shirt competition.

And make it a little bit less..?

But no, it looks nice.

So I like to dribble down myself

and make my own wet T-shirt competition.

And just see how that goes, really, you know?

It takes a lot of dribble.

You've got to drink a lot of water to...you know...

because I'm quite full-chested.

That must be nearly time.

I really need to

get my drool on, get my old drool on.

-Yeah.

-So... 'Three, two, one!'

-Drooly, drooly, drooly. Drooling all over myself.

-She's done it!

-Hopefully see you again!

-Well done.

Who knew you could talk so much dribble?

Roisin carries on the conversation

for the whole 20 seconds

and joins Paul with a pass.

Which means, at the end of the first challenge,

Marek and Joel are the current losers with one fail each.

Predicting the future is easy.

I predict we're going to set up a tarot card stall

and give away free readings.

I'm just going to ask you a few very simple things.

I would definitely say you're a man.

Our challenge, that we'll have to do and say...

everything the other jokers tell us.

Ooh!

The tower!

Ooh, the tower! Ooh!

'And if we don't get a tip, we get a fail.'

Would you like to leave me a tip?

First to try and get a tip for a reading is Joel.

I'm doing free tarot card readings for today, sir.

Just wondering whether you'd be interested in something like that? Yeah, you're in?

-Go, go, go.

-Take a seat down there. What's your name, my friend?

-Daniel.

-Daniel!

-Yeah.

-Have you ever had a tarot card reading before, Daniel?

-No.

-No?

-Just to give you some idea of my power...

Just to give you a small indication of my powers...

I predicted when Neighbours was going to be moved to Channel 5.

Uh...I predicted when Neighbours was going to move to Channel 5.

-Really?

-OK, here we go. And that is the star.

Absolutely brilliant card for you, Daniel.

Very exciting news for you, Daniel.

-You...

-You're going to have a threesome with 19-year-old Swedish twins.

..are going to have... yeah...you're going to have a...

-threesome.

-Oh, really?

With 19-year-old Swedish twins. High-five!

And the twins' names...

The twins' names are...

Boris and Bjorn.

They are...they're Boris and Bjorn?

Just wondering whether we could have... I mean, it's just for tips.

-I'll just give you some pennies.

-Yes!

-There we go!

-Joel gets a tip so he gets a pass.

Next up, it's Marek.

-Tarot card reading today, sir?

-Straight in, mate.

-If you'd like to take a seat, please.

-They call me Crystal Bald.

Call me Crystal Bald. OK.

OK. Right, first card.

What is it?

It's the star.

"Ooh, the star!" in a sarky voice.

Look at me! I'm a star!

Oh, get me on Celebrity Big Brother.

Oh, it's bullshit!

This next card is...

The Wheel of Fortune. It... Absolute great card.

This means...

Someone's going to lose their virginity tonight.

Someone is going to...

Do it, Marek. Come on!

Someone's going to...have a...

a good time.

A good thing is going to happen to you.

If you want to leave a tip, you don't have to, whatever,

if you thought it was worthwhile. Did you find that worthwhile at all?

-Yeah...

-Things are going to go well.

So if you're here this time next week I'll be able to tell you.

You're going to have a great week. Take care.

Nice to meet you. All the best.

Great, thank you.

Yeah, yeah!

Marek gets a tip for that reading so he gets a pass.

Next, it's Paul.

Hello, there. We're doing free tarot readings today.

-Are you?

-Have you ever had your tarot done?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Where was it?

-Back in Manchester, where I'm from.

-Oh, in Manchester?!

I love Manchester. I base my haircut on it.

-I love Manchester. I base my haircut on it, clearly.

-Yeah. Stone Roses.

-Stone Roses, aye.

-Let's go.

Let's go. OK. The Wheel of Fortune! Ah, fantastic!

-What would my nan say here?

-What would my nan say here?

In an old woman's Irish accent... sounding drunk...

Always book your tickets in advance.

She would look at this

and go, "Always book your tickets in advance!

"Because sometimes singles are cheaper than returns!"

Always make sure you use the loo before you leave as well.

Because those toilets are fucking disgusting.

She says, "Always use the toilets before you leave the house

"because the ones on the trains are fucking disgusting.

"You be careful what you catch off them."

And respond to this card - give it a kiss. Hello, mate.

-Hello, mate.

-How you been?

How you been? Haven't seen you in a while.

Put it near your ear. What are you saying about her?

What you saying?

Yes, you're right. She is very hot.

She is very hot!

There's loads of positivity.

Absolutely fantastic, and it's been...

lovely to meet you. Obviously it's free,

-but if you...have enjoyed it today...like...

-Do you want a tip?

Only if you feel like I deserve it.

Thank you so, so much.

That was amazing.

So Paul also gets a tip and joins Marek and Joel with a pass.

Finally to try and get a tip for a reading is Roisin.

-Yes, it is free.

-Right, OK.

Straight in now. Big yourself up.

I am the hot new thing on the psychic circuit.

I'm the hot new thing on the old... the tarot psychic world.

My name is Chakra Khan.

My name's Chakra...Chakra Khan.

Cards over your shoulder.

-Won't be needing those.

-Won't be needing those.

-Why?

-On your feet now.

Right.

OK. Avalon.

Avalon.

Stonehenge.

Stonehenge.

Dreams.

-Dreams.

-Realities.

Realities.

-The mind.

-The mind.

-The soul.

-The soul.

-Bums.

-Bums.

-Tums.

-Tums.

Eyes.

OK.

-OK.

-Name. Give me your name.

Name. Give me your name.

My name? Lisa.

Yeah. First name. First name. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.

I knew it was going to be Lisa. Chakra Khan.

Think of a number between one and three.

Two.

-Limbo!

-Limbo!

In between, say Chakra Khan.

Chakra Khan!

Oh, I don't like this.

-You don't like it?

-No. It's weird.

Sorry, it's my first time.

I was just trying to make it a bit more...

Is that what you do, just that?

Would you like to leave me a tip?

-No!

-Absolutely not?

-No.

-Thank you very much.

Being honest, it was rubbish.

No tip.

Roisin gets no tips for her reading but she does get a fail.

So at the end of challenge two, Marek, Roisin

and Joel are all level with one fail each.

Hello, mate. How you doing?

We're here on the streets of Glasgow

and our task is to get complete strangers to think they know us.

-Hello, tiger!

-Hello, Steve!

If that's not difficult enough,

we have the other jokers in our ears making up ridiculous reasons!

We met at that cock fight!

We met at...at the cock fight!

The goal is to get the strangers to agree that they know us.

-Lisa!

-No.

-Claire?

-No.

Susan!

If we can't get anyone to agree, we lose.

Mum!

Them's the rules!

First to get a stranger to remember them is Marek.

Yes, this guy.

Call him a legend. Legend!

Lege, mate. I know you, don't I, from...I know you from..?

Lege? Lege! We used to be mates! Hey, Lege! Come on!

Legend! Lege! Legey!

Old Lege there's ignoring me.

It's going to take a miracle.

-All right, mate? I know you from...?

-We had poppadoms at curries!

We had poppadoms, didn't we? Not English poppadoms.

-Indian poppadoms.

-Spanish.

-Spanish poppadoms?

-No...

I met you in Barcelona, was it? What's your name? Is your..?

-Yes!

-Yes!

Hug him! Go in!

Remember, we had those poppadoms?

They were disgusting, I was sick everywhere!

-Oh.

-I was the French guy with the massive dong.

I was the French guy with the... with the...

with the massive dong. A massive dong.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right!

Well, that's the size - about that!

It was great to see you, anyway.

-Do you remember me?

-No.

-Oh. I can't believe it. You let me down!

-Sorry.

No, it's all right.

See you. Traitor!

Marek doesn't convince anyone that they know him

so he gets a fail.

Next up, Roisin.

Oi! Oi!

-JOKERS LAUGH

-'Nice!'

Hello! How've you been?

'Like it.'

You don't remember me?

-No.

-"Horny wives book club."

Horny wives book club!

"You always rip the last pages out, don't you?"

-You always rip the last pages out, don't you?

-No.

You little tinker.

Oh, you do remember me!

You do remember me!

-There you are! How have you been?

-What?

"We met at the photographer thing."

-Remember the photography event we went to?

-No.

You kept on zooming in on my big wig-wams.

I've never been to a photography event.

You were the one... Remember we did the photo and...

'Say it!'

Oh, you were zooming in on my... wig-wams.

"Try looking at me through the camera like you did that night."

I think if you look through there at me then you'll recognise me.

"I was the wrong way round."

I was the wrong way round. I was like... do you remember me like that?

-What about like this?

-No.

What about like this?

Yeah!

I can't believe...! You must...

you must remember this one.

"You made me hold those peaches for hours."

You made me hold those peaches for hours.

How can you not remember me?!

This is the weirdest thing in the world.

It's crazy you don't remember me!

I've never... I - honestly, I haven't met you.

Aww, that was a sterling effort.

That's not a thumb sign, you're just pointing at your boobs!

Roisin doesn't convince a stranger to remember her,

so she joins Marek with a fail.

Next up, it's Joel.

Go up to that bloke, that bald bloke, and shout "Marek!

"It's you, right?!" Go on! "Marek!"

Is it Marek?

It's not Marek.

Hey, didn't we...?

-"We met at the Scooby-Doo."

-We met at the Scooby-Doo thing.

"You came as Sue Lewis."

You came as Sue Lewis.

"I came as Trevor McDonald."

I came as...Trevor McDonald.

-Wrong person!

-No, it must be!

"I'm going to show you something and you'll remember it straightaway."

-Look, remember, we did this together.

-Start cycling.

Right, we did...the thing...

And then start shouting...

-MAREK: "You know, bot-bot!"

-You know, bot-bot!

-"Bot-bot!"

We did bot-bot!

And we were like, "Bot-bot!"

Stick to taking the medication. Honestly, it wasn't me, man.

We did the bot-bot!

Start making sex noises. Sex noises.

Bot-bot! Bot-bot! Uhh...

With the bot-bot. Uhh... With the bot-bot!

-Uhh. With the bot-bot.

-Have a good day.

Unhhh...

-Unlucky, Joel.

-Yeah.

Oh, with the bot-bot.

Joel isn't successful either

and joins the others with a fail.

Finally, it's Paul.

You do look like you're waiting for the rest of your band to show up.

You look like you've been dropped in the wrong city.

Oh, my God! Hello, mate! How you doing?

"I tried to buy your kidney!"

I don't remember you.

-Yeah...

-Sorry.

We met last week.

-Not me.

-'Say it!'

-'Say it, Paul.'

-"Your lovely, sexy kidney."

Sorry, dude. You've got the wrong guy.

I tried to buy your kidney!

"Is it still for sale?"

Is...?

I think he's... I think he's already sold it.

Hello, mate!

How's it going? All right?

Good to see you again.

-Oh, er...

-From the other night. I'm trying to think.

I don't think I know you, mate.

-Yeah, we met the other night, didn't we?

-"Chess club."

-Was it chess club?

-What?

-"You moved my pawn."

You moved my pawn at the chess club the other night.

I don't know you, honest.

We definitely met! What's your name again?

James.

James! We spoke for about three hours.

"Come on, mate. We smelt each other's hair."

It was like last Sunday, I'm sure, or the Sunday before.

"Come on, mate.."

We smelt each other's... we smelt each other's hair.

-Oh, right, right, right.

-Smell that. See if you can remember.

-Yeah.

-You remember it!

-Yeah.

-Good man!

-Yeah.

-You legend!

Take it easy, God bless.

Smell that, mothers!

Mate. I've just got a memorable face, Marek. What can I say?

So Paul's the only joker to succeed and get a pass.

Which means, at the end of challenge three,

Marek, Roisin and Joel are level on two fails each.

High-five is when you hit someone with your hand on their hand.

-Isn't it, Paul?

-Yeah, that's right.

Show me someone that doesn't like to high-five

and I'll show you someone that is dead inside.

Hey, sir. Nice to see you.

And now we have to high-five complete strangers

as many times as possible - and whoever gets the fewest, loses.

First up, it's Marek.

He's joint loser at the moment

with Roisin and Joel,

and if any of them fail, they'll face this week's forfeit.

Every day I've just realised that he looks more like a pigeon.

-Doesn't he?

-He's got a real pigeon profile.

How's it going, ladies? High-five!

-Oh, God.

-Sorry, I'm in a rush.

-OK.

"Sorry, I'm in a rush"!

Sorry, mate, do you know where the...?

Sorry to bother you.

Do you know where the Glasgow Museum of Modern Art is?

-No idea. We're just visiting ourselves.

-Oh, where from?

-'Oh!'

-Inverness.

-Inverness. I love Inverness.

-It's a great place, isn't it? How long you been there?

-Six years.

Ah, nice one, mate.

A lot of my best mates are from Inverness. They're really cool.

High-five! Yeah!

Yeah!

-'Yeah!'

-'He's just hitting him!'

Yeah!

Yeah!

That was loads. That was at least 30.

-No way!

-No way.

Marek scores 33,

and that's the score to beat to avoid a fail.

Next up, it's Paul.

How's it going?

Yeah!

That was amazing.

JOKERS LAUGH

Hello, mate. Doing all right?

-Do you know where the punk disco is?

-No.

'Ooh!'

You looked like you were trying to hit him!

That was way too much!

It's high-five, not GBH, Paul.

-Oh, are you doing for the Red Cross?

-Yeah.

How are you getting on today? I used to do that as well.

Having a good day? Yeah.

You look like somebody. You look like Noel Gallagher.

I look like Noel Gallagher?

-I like that.

-'On a good day.'

2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

All right, see who's going to be the last to stop.

-Is this the high-five championships?

-Blimey!

-'What the fuck is happening?'

-More!

Thank you. Have a good day!

See who's going to be the last to stop.

-That's a good tactic.

-That's a good tactic.

Paul does well,

but not well enough to beat Marek's score.

He'll get a fail unless another joker scores lower.

Let's see how Joel gets on.

Got any tactics, Joel?

Yeah, I've got a few things in my bag.

That sounds quite sinister.

Back into being scared again. OK.

Back into being scared.

Relax. Put those shoulders back.

Pull those trousers up.

ROISIN: Let's go.

No.

That was an amazing tactic.

Out of nowhere.

MAREK: I don't think that's a good enough Scottish accent.

Try it in Welsh.

Hello, sir.

I've just got my hand out of plaster and I was just wondering

-if you could just touch my hand and see...

-'Oh, my God!'

..if it feels real.

Come off it, mate.

You're SO losing this challenge, Joel.

High-five if you love Scotland!

Hey, I love Scotland! High-five!

Straight in! Two. Three! Three!

I think two are enough, mate.

Three! Three! No, four.

Not a good enough Scottish accent.

-High-five if you love Scotland.

-Eh?

High-five if you love Scotland.

-Are you having me on?

-Yeah!

Come on, two, two. All right.

Three. Three, three.

Get out. Get out.

With only four high fives,

Joel is currently looking at another fail

and will face this week's forfeit.

That is, unless Roisin does even worse.

You're like a partially shaved lion.

Like a poodle.

It's Glasgow, not Moscow.

HE WHISTLES

High-five, sir.

Hey, sir. Nice to see you.

Does my hand smell?

-High-five. I've got that camera!

-Oh, have you?

Yeah. High-five!

Oh, off she goes.

-Are you on holiday?

-Ah, yeah. Yes.

Oh, cool. Are you just taking photos of Glasgow?

-Everything.

-Oh, nice.

-Yeah.

-Where are you from?

-Just the US.

Oh, high-five! Whereabouts?

-Er, Minnesota.

-I haven't been, but I've heard it's amazing.

I've seen this tactic somewhere before.

-High-five! What kind of camera is it?

-Er...

She thinks she's going to steal it.

-Oh, cool. Yeah.

-It's doing the job.

Yeah, it's doing the job. Well, it was lovely to meet you. High-five!

'No, she only needs one more. Don't do it, Roisin!'

We love high-fiving.

'Argh, she's done it!'

It's one of my favourite things to do. It's like a hobby!

-It's sort of like an addiction.

-Well...

-Can I just have a couple more?

-Good luck.

It's not a sexual thing.

-"It's not a sexual thing"!

-That's...

Roisin beat Joel and earns herself a pass.

Which means, with three fails to his name...

Joel is this week's loser

and must now face the consequences.

-Oh, here comes the loser.

-Hey, best friends!

-Loser!

-Oh, hello, mate.

-Loser!

Whatever, guys. I'm a winner in life. So...

Oh, I'll tell you what, though -

I'm pretty excited, because you're a world-famous artist, aren't you?

-Is it the exhibition today?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-What exhibition?

-The exhibition we've prepared for you.

We've made all the stuff ourselves, so...

Come on, then, Joel, we'd better go, mate.

Your audience is waiting for you. Let's go.

So Joel is about to be thrown in front of an expectant,

critical, art-loving audience to present an extraordinary

collection which he's never seen before.

Ladies and gentlemen, London's most talked-about new artist

and recent winner of the Nonny Prize, it's Dommett!

Hello, everybody.

Hello. How are you all?

Good, good, good. Nice to see you all here today.

So I'm basically a bit of an experimental artist

and so I've brought you all here today to...

to see some things.

This is installation one - Left Messages.

'Yes, Joel, you've shat on a gravestone.'

Look at that guy's face!

I mean, it's... I...

Yeah, I just didn't like... I didn't...

You know, I'm saying that I don't like death.

So, we'll pop onto the next one now.

This is, again, just another message that I've left.

Now, just a great...

..metaphor for the fact that we all eat shit these days, you know?

'Oh, Joel!'

Um...

It's a child's swing in a park.

Yeah.

Just the...yeah.

And...right, this is my final piece.

This is a sculpture made from things that

I've stolen from people's gardens.

I've stolen most of this stuff from people's gardens.

Er...

This piece is called...

it's called I Did My Horny Knickers.

"My Horny Knickers"?

And, yeah, just spells out, you know,

how a lot of people feel on a day-to-day basis.

What bits did you use to make the letters?

And I used the... the bit here to make the letters.

What bit?

This bit to... Yeah, the crotch bit.

It's just, really, you know...

Do you guys... Do you guys like it?

It looks like the work of a repressed, white teenager.

It looks like...

Which would be the case.

Yeah, I think that's probably the case.

I think that's almost definitely the case.

Boom!

# Hey, hey, hey, yeah

# How you like me now?

# I try to have a little fun now

# I stay with my ear to the drum now

# Hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah

# Turn it up, turn it up now

# Hey, hey, hey, yeah turn me up... #