Episode 1 John Bishop's Big Year

OK. Thank you, thank you. How are you. Hello, I'm John Bishop,

welcome to my Big Year. This will be a review of all the year.

Unfortunately, due to the BBC cuts, we are only reviewing 11 months of

the year. The thing is, 2012 has been a massive year, we can't cover

it all, just by telling awe few jokes. Some of you will have to see

through sketches, like this one, that shows us exactly what the

Greeks did to respond to their Obviously we couldn't talk about

2012 without looking at the biggest event of the year, it was the event

that brought a tear to the eye of every Englishman, an event where we

all thought, I wish I was there, being part of that experience. No,

I don't mean the Tulisa sex tape! I No review of 2012 would be complete

without the Olympics and Paralympics. From the moment Becks

lit the flame, the word on the street was it would be rubbish.

Some how 8,000 torch-bearing do- gooders later, we forgot how

cynical us Brits were supposed to be. Then the games began. Danny

Boyle treated us to sparkly rings, poorly kids, and the span who made

the Internet. None of us had a clue what any of this meant, but we

loved it. It turns out we were actually quite

good at this whole Olympic thing. Soon, Hoy Simmons, her and thingy,

and all became household names, and sport ruled the world. 185 medals

later, it was all over, and finally London could go back to being

miserable again. APPLAUSE

It was, to be fair, the Olympics was one of those things that

excelled everyone's expectations. Give me a cheer if you thought it

was going to be shit! We did, didn't we. What changed it, without

a doubt, was the Olympic Torch relay. It showed in that clip there,

how much people got behind it. I was one of the people who was

flattered to be asked to carry the Olympic Torch. And then I realised

who else was doing it, and that really knocked your ego when you

realised it is not just you, there is people like Will.I.Am, Jedward,

for me, the biggest insult was Didier Drogba. Didier Drogba God a

chance to run with the Olympic Torch, he had the go at it, he went

about 15 yards and then fell over holding his knee and looking for

someone to get booked. It was brilliant the way the nation got

behind it, it was typically unBritish in many respects.

Normally you would not expect anyone to support that. In here now,

give me a cheer if you went and saw anybody running with the Olympic

Torch. It just think of that, those people here, you look like normal

people, normal British people. You went to watch somebody you don't

know, running with a very ill- fitting tracksuit on, carrying

something on fire! That wouldn't normally happen. People wouldn't do

that. If you had said to you 12 months ago you are going to be

doing, that you would go piss off. The London riots were last year!

But that's what I'm saying, we genuinely got behind it as a nation.

I was one of the people who got the letter saying, will you run with

the Olympic Torch? I was honoured I said yes, they said, we will send

awe tracksuit. We have all seen the tracksuit. Not the best tracksuit,

to be fair, the tracksuit arrived, this little white number, looked

like a romper suit, to be honest with you. It came with a letter

saying this tracksuit has been specially designed by Stella

McCartney. It might have been designed by Stella McCartney, but

it must have been made by Lidl. It was minging, I never wore anything

as flamable in all my life. That is why everybody running with the

Olympic Torch was running with it like that! It couldn't be more

flamable, you couldn't get more polyester into it. Jedward hadn't

done their hair before they put the tracksuit on. We haven't had the

torch relay before. We are in times of austerity, when someone is

running through your streets with something shiny and it might be

worth a few quid. We know what That, by the way, is a lesson to

all potential thieves, dressing in drag doesn't help! What took

everybody by surprise, I think, when you look at the Olympics, was

the Opening Ceremony. It was, to be fair, unbelievable. It was massive.

For everyone in the country, we were all blown away by it. No-one

had a bleeding clue what was going on. But when Danny Boyle put it all

together it looked fantastic. What I loved about it, they had the

Olympic teams coming in, and when you looked at the Olympic teams, it

was just like a load of lads on stag do, wasn't it, and girls on

hen dos, they are all dressed in mad clothes with cameras going whe

hey. I kept on expecting them to piss in a pint glass. In the

Opening Ceremony, all the things going on, the one thing that stood

out and will stand the test of time, that was the thing with James Bond

and the Queen. Wasn't it? That was the thing where we all went, that

is brilliant! And I can't be the only one that when that clip went

on, and then see's gone in the helicopter and you see her coming

out, you think, she's doing well. And everyone suggesting it wasn't

her, it was a stunt man, but we don't know, because we never

actually saw the Queen land. Her Majesty is about to jump from

the helicopter into the Olympic stadium. And there she goes.

We seem to have temporarily lost the Queen, very high winds reported

earlier today, as soon as we find her again.

I'm really getting into this skydiving lark.

Philip? Philip where are you? I have landed. Coming dear.

Now, where's Harry. Hiya granny.

Oh Harry! I'm glad you enjoyed it, that just

cost me a Knighthood. You know what, what was brilliant

about the Olympic as well, I have just been on tour, so we have all

assumed it was the London 2012 Olympics, I was in Newcastle. I

mentioned the Olympics, the London 2012 Olympics, and somebody in the

audience shouted out "( inaudible) that is" that is how they speak in

Newcastle. All the teles will be turned off in Tyneside. They were

like we never had the Olympic up here, they said we had the Olympics

up here. I completely forgot, in Newcastle they had some of the

football. At St James's Park. That sounds brilliant if you live in

Newcastle, but I looked at the teams that got pick today play in

St James's Park, one was the African nation of Gabon.

Now you have to think about it, for those poor lads, imagine, imagine

what it's like, you eventually get a letter, and it goes "you have

been selected to represent the African nation" (African accent)

this is a good accent, none of you have spoken to anyone from Gabon.

This is a good accent! "you have been selected to represent the

African nation of Gabon at the London 2012 Olympics". You come off

the plane and there will be someone there from the London Olympic

Committee, and they say (in African accent) "we have come to represent

the African nation of Gabon in football at the London 2012

Olympics, can you tell us where the Olympic village is?" And they go,

no, we are not having you here, we are sending you to Newcastle. We

are sending you somewhere poorer than where you have come from! The

Olympics wasn't the only thing that dominated the press this year, the

big thing we were all worried about was the economy.

Of this the year when Europe almost imploded.

Greeks, Italians, Spanish, all went cap-in-hand to some nice German

laidy, called Merkel. She wasn't keen on dishing out hundreds of

billions of euros without a few tiny conditions, like not having

any police any more, and this accident go down too well. Back

home we had our own axe to grind, because we were being asked to pay

a few extra pence for a warm snack. Pretty soon it turned into a

political pasty-off. We are in Redditch and we popped in to buy

sausage rolls. Finally people power prevailed, the Government

backtracked and we could spend less money getting fat!

But it just shows you, really, what the British priorities were during

this year. We had billions of pounds worth of cuts, and what did

we really argue about? The pasty tax! It became the most contentious

thing in the politics of this year. David Cameron even had to confess

his own pasty obsession. I'm a pasty eater myself, I go to

Cornwall on hole day, I love a hot pasty, the last one I bought was

from the West Cornwall Pasty Company, I seem to remember I was

in Leeds station at the time. The choice was whether to have one of

the small ones or one of their large ones, I opted for the large

one, and very good it was too. Clearly he's talking bollocks. He's

never ate a pasty in his life, that's poor people's food. Look at

his eyes when he's talking. Any man in here who has tried to lie to his

wife, this is what you look like. love a hot pasty, I think the last

one I bought was from the West Cornwall Pasty Company.

But sometimes, when you look at a legislation like that, and how much

it got people wound up, you wonder what would have happened if we

hadn't had won the battle against the pasty tax.

What you looking for? What you got? Pasties, sausage roll, chicken

slice. Got any, steak bake? hard stuff. Come with me. Listen,

go easy on this stuff, you don't want to end up like him. Is that?

John Prescott. Jesus John. There she is. Freeze, you're under

arrest. Steak bake, oh! The reality was,

that our economy, we were told, is gone. It's knackered. We have got

trillions of debt, but the problem is, none of us know who we owe the

money to. We have just to find out who we owe the money to, sit them

down, do a deal. Buy them a pint, or shoot them! And the thing is,

with 2012, as well, you would think it would have got better. Because

2012 we had more bank holidays than ever before. Which means the banks

weren't at work, which means there is less chance they cock it up, but

it didn't work like. That we still ended up in debt, the bankers are

still getting boat news, which is mental. How can bankers still be

getting bonuses, that is like News of the World journalists getting

free talk-time. It doesn't make any sense. And it is not, it is not

just our economy, either, the French have tried to tackle it by

pushing up their personal taxation. The top rate of tax in France went

up to 75%. For the highest earners. This created a bit of an argument,

This is how the French Labour minister, Michel Sappin reacted.

APPLAUSE Well that, to me, just explains why

the French economy is knackered, they didn't even know they had a

tunnel! Of course, social media took a

whole new level this year, that none of us could have predicted.

But there was one fella, that I found, that took it to a point that

none of us could have possibly imagined. His name is Tommy Jordan,

he's an American. What's going to do now, is he's going to read a

letter that was posted by his own daughter on her Facebook wall.

"To my parents, I'm not your damn slave, it's not my responsibility

to clean up your shit. We have a cleaning lady for a reason. I'm

tired of this bullshit. Next time I have to pour a cup of coffee, I'm

going to flip shit. I have no idea how I have a life, I'm going to

hate to see the day when you get too old to wipe your ass and you

call me asking for help. I won't be there. Signed your pissed kid".

think it is fair to say that all parents would be disappointed, if

we saw our own children writing about us like that. But let's see

what Tommy had to say to his daughter.

That right there is your laptop, this right here is my 45! That was

the first round. These are exploding hollow-point rounds, you

have to have pay me back for these too, these are a dollar apiece.

After that comment you made about your mom, your mom told me to be

sure I put one in there from her, that one is for her.

Bad though isn't it, shooting the laptop, 35 million people saw it,

none of us know what her reaction is, I'm not sure they are getting

on too well. The social media, like everything

else on the Internet can turn up some really weird stuff, one of the

things that has turned up for me this year is this thing called the

Ladies Bank Bank, which is, and I quote, a place for ladies to view

some of the best eye candy around. The reason I found out about it, is

because wouldn't you just know it, one of those bits of "the best eye

candy around"! Turned out to be me. Now, at first, I'm not going to lie,

I was pretty flattered. I got 148 likes, and it improved

when I looked down when I saw some of the comments that were written

Thanks Sharon! I was lovin it. Particularly when this one came!

That's a bit harsh, Sarah. You know what, you're never gonna

know! The problem with that is then it kicked the ball off, look what

happened next, this one followed it! And what about this one! And it

got even worse after that. That wasn't the enof it. After me

ego had been -- end of it, after my ego had been battered enough, the

ultimate humiliation came when I realised I received less likes than

a picture of Ryan Gosling's face on a chair. If you think that is a

blow to your ego, what was worse is when my wife saw it, she wanted me

to order six for our dining room! But the thing is, this year,

despite the entire planet having its eyes fixed on the UK, for large

parts of 2012, stuff was going on elsewhere. Stuff was going on in

the other parts of the world. I wanted to call this section, to be

honest with you, Mad Foreigners. But, to be politically correct, the

BBC wouldn't let me, they wanted me to call it Global Round Up. This is

what it is, Global Round Up full of Mad Foreigners.

We all know the Americans love to show off, and shows don't come

bigger than the US elections. All the whooping and hollering made

it seem like a close battle, but, of course, Barack Obama walked it.

For the United States of America, the best is yet to come. Russia

also had another re-elected leader, we have seen Putin's action man

antics, this year he put some singers away with a powerful

message. Italian Silvio Berlusconi was back in court, when he was

convicted of tax fraud. The most influential person on the planet is

this man. And if YouTube views were votes, he

would be elected God! Gangnam- style! We all watched the US

elections, because obviously it matters to us, but we always watch

them as well to see who gets the celebrity endorsement. It is big

showbiz, election time in America. You can see the difference between

the two parties, and the winner and the loser, when you see who they

hang around with. This is Barack Obama with some of his supporters.

# Come on # Baby don't you want to go

Stpw # Same old place

# Sweet home Chicago How cool is that, he's the

President of America, he can sing, and he's mates with Mick Jagger and

BB King, that is so cool. Let's have a look at who Herman Van

Rompuy was knocking about -- Mitt Ro mney was hanging about with.

# Oh from sing # And sing

It's just like a bad karaoke, it couldn't be worse, he has a face on

him like somebody who has just woke up, and he's singing like his

fingers are trapped in a car door. I know all of those jokes weren't

good, but two out of three ain't bad! Sorry, I'd do anything for a

joke, but I won't do that! Let's leave it, eh!

To be fair, it's time to move on, like bat out of hell.

I like that last one. As we saw in the build-up, Vladimir

Putin has a reputation for being a bit of a tough guy, a he-man, a

man's man, this year he proved it by send ago group of women to jail

for saying things that weren't very To be fair, I would have sent them

to jail for the music, it's shit. One politician, who has had other

problems with women, of a different sort, is Silvio Berlusconi. He's

been in trouble for having bunga bunga parties. His defence,

throughout all of the accusations of these bunga bunga parties, is

he's saying that he was one aware that any of the women who attended

had been paid for sex. He just assumed that they all really

fancied a 76-year-old man, with a weak bladder and boot polish for

hair! The crazy thing is, all these politicians must get together, you

know when they have their summits, and they have the G8 summit, there

must be a moment they all get together and have a chat. It makes

you wonder what actually goes on. Ahhhh, David Cameron. Mr Putin.

Please, call me Vladimir! Vat a summit this will be. Very true,

there are some important issues we will be discussing tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'm talking about tonight. First, we wrestle horse, then we

ride bear naked, then we film horse making love to bear! Care to join

me? I think I might just have a quiet night in. What a pussy.

Dave, you lanky streak of piss. Berlusconi. Ready for a night on

the town? No, I think I will stay in. Good idea, a bunga bunga party

in David Cameron's room, 16 girls, a bear and a horse. Shush, I'm not

hanging out with you. What a pussy. I'm going to have a quiet night in

with with, Angela Merkel. Silvio Vladimir, wait up! What a pussy!

But there was one crazy foreigner who did something this year that I

thought was absolutely staggering. It just shows how far humanity can

push itself. This was a man who jumped out of a spaceship, at 24

miles above earth. You know, it's only when you are up

really high, that you understand how small you are. Out of the way