Episode 2 John Bishop's Big Year

This programme contains adult humour

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you. Good evening and welcome.

I'm John Bishop. This is The Big Year 2012.

It has been an unbelievable year for all of us

and what I'm going to do tonight is show you some of the things

that have made me laugh and some of the things that will

stand out in my memory over the last 12 months.

And there's also going to be some sketches along the way that

show how Britain and the rest of the world has reacted to

the events of this Big Year.

Like the Greeks showing us how they coped with their financial crisis.

THEY SOB

LAUGHTER

Oh, we are Greek.

LAUGHTER

Now, 2012 has been a massive year for the most famous

family in the world - our own Royal Family.

Forget annus horribilis,

2012 for the Royals turned out to be annus amazeballs.

Royalist revellers were handed out more pageants

and parades than they could shake a sceptre at.

A cynical nation became united - hosting street parties,

camping out and, most importantly, looking like fools.

Hello.

It was to be the greatest event in living memory.

The climatic conditions are ideal for a British summer celebration.

LAUGHTER

But even torrential, blinding rain couldn't dampen our spirits.

And the millions watching at home were able to experience

the event in all its majestic, moist glory.

To cap it all off, we had Gary Barlow's special Jubilee Concert.

He's a good boy.

He'll go far. He'll go far.

Knighthood in the bag, eh, Gary?

Yes, 2012 has been an incredible year for the Royals.

See you next year, Queenie.

APPLAUSE

The Jubilee this year, to be fair, was a wash-out.

It was no-one's fault, it was a wash-out cos of the weather

but it showed the true British spirit that we have got.

New York City gets a bit of rain, they evacuate the city.

What do we do? We get our flags out and go, "Go on, Queenie."

LAUGHTER

What I love about it is that

when somebody was deciding what to do to celebrate

the Diamond Jubilee, they said, "Do you know what we are going to do?

"You know what we are going to do for this momentous occasion?

"We're going to put you and all your family on a boat."

Cos that's who you want to be with on a bank holiday -

all your family(!)

"We are going to put you, Queen, and all the family on a boat

"and then we are going to put that boat on the river

"and then we are going to get a load of other boats to go past that boat.

"That'll be a great day out, won't it?"

LAUGHTER

The best was Prince Philip. Prince Philip was stood like that.

LAUGHTER

"This is the last time I come to work do with you. This is shit."

LAUGHTER

And the Queen's going, "No, leave it." He says, "It's crap."

She says, "I'd come to a work do with you if you had a bleeding job."

LAUGHTER

You could see the domestic was building up.

I can imagine what would have happened that night.

They've gone home to their house, he's said,

"Look, I'm sick of this going to your work do's. That was crap.

"I was freezing cold, I was wet. It was rubbish, it was boring.

"It was just poor people floating past."

LAUGHTER

He's obviously turned round and said,

"Listen, Liz, I'm not coming tomorrow

"to this disco thing you've got with Gary Barlow.

"I'm not bothering." And then it was brilliant.

This shows how normal their family is

because the following day Prince Philip didn't go.

Like most husbands, he's gone, "That's it, I'm not bothering.

"I'm not putting my coat on, I'm not leaving the house."

Now, he is Prince Philip, he is the Duke of Edinburgh.

They could have said any reason for not being there.

They could have said, "Look, he was out in the rain all day,

"he's got a chill. He's got a bad back.

"His lumbago's playing up." No.

What did they tell the world was the reason for Prince Philip not

attending the Royal concert?

He had a bladder infection.

They told the world he had a bladder infection.

I wouldn't tell my mates I had a bladder infection.

You know exactly what's gone on in their house.

He's said, "I'm not coming to your do." And she's gone, "Oh, really?

"Well, if you don't come to my do,

"I'll tell everyone there's something wrong with your cock."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But it has been a tough year for all of us.

Even the Royals have been looking for new jobs.

Well, it's an unsettled picture as we head towards the end of the week.

This afternoon it will be cold, wet and windy across most of Scotland.

We are under the influence of low pressure.

There will be snow for the higher ground of the Highlands

and Aberdeenshire with potential for a few flurries over Balmoral...

Who the hell wrote this script? ..as the afternoon goes on.

A cold today everywhere with temperatures of just 8 Celsius

and a brisk north-easterly wind.

Thank God it isn't a bank holiday.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I thought he did well.

That was Prince Charles on a visit to BBC headquarters in Glasgow

back in May.

To be fair, if you look at that weather, it was in Scotland -

they could have put that weather on a loop.

He didn't have to tell them the temperature. He could have said,

"Look, you live in Scotland, the weather is Scottish.

"It's wet and it's cold. Deal with it."

When you look at Prince Charles there,

he looked like he knew what he was doing.

Reading the weather is harder than it looks.

Now, we have John.

Now, this is a tropical storm and you say,

"Dan, why are you showing me this?"

Because John is going to move north.

LAUGHTER The moisture from John left over,

the spin, the storm itself will turn into a depression.

Nothing really to worry about as far as wind goes

but watch where the precipitation will go.

Some will head up towards the west.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That was the American weather presenter Dan Pope back in September

reporting on Tropical Storm John.

America produces yet another prick.

LAUGHTER

There is one Royal who has hit the headlines this year more than most.

Of course, it's Harry.

He went to Las Vegas with his mates. There's nothing wrong with that.

He had a few drinks with his mates. There's nothing wrong with that.

He ended up in his own suite at the hotel in Las Vegas

with a few ladies. There's nothing wrong with that.

Then he started playing strip billiards.

LAUGHTER

And he ended up having naked photographs sent all over the world.

The press was saying,

"There is no way we are going to get over this.

"This has done untold damage to the Royals"

and I have got to be honest with you, it has.

Harry is third in line to the throne.

There is no way I want to be ruled by someone

who can't play billiards.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It has been a great year for the Royals.

We have had the Jubilee, Harry's been up to his old tricks

and everybody loves Kate and Will.

Apart from one country.

One European, garlic-munching country.

One country that we have had wars with in the past.

One country that we like to go to on holiday.

We like the wine, we like the cheese,

we just don't like the people.

Yes, it's the bleeding French.

LAUGHTER

All right, men, ze English are over that hill.

Zey have no idea zey are in range.

But we have them in our sights.

You know what to do.

Ready,

aim,

shoot.

Ah-ha-ha! Kate Middleton, we can see your boobies!

Boobies!

LAUGHTER Boobies!

Oh, oh, oh!

APPLAUSE

And it became... It became a big, political debate.

People were saying that David Cameron

should have got in touch with

the French Prime Minister and it blew over, as most things do.

But as we know, politicians are always too busy dealing with

their own tits to deal with someone else's.

But politics do shape the way we think.

So let's have a look at

what happened with our key politicians during 2012.

FEMALE VOICEOVER: 'This was the year when British politicians

'went mainstream,

'when the Jubilee and Olympics 2012 put them under a global spotlight.

'And they really showed us their moves.

'David Cameron gained over 100,000 followers when he joined Twitter.

'Good move!

'Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell got in trouble

'for getting gobby with a bobby.

'Bad move.'

I'm very clear about what I said and what I didn't say.

And I want to make it absolutely clear that

I did not use the words that have been attributed to me.

'And Nick Clegg finally made

'this heartfelt move that we've all been waiting for.'

We made a pledge. We didn't stick to it.

-And for that I am sorry.

-'Aye, whatever(!)'

# I'm sorry, I'm sorry

# I'm so, so sorry

# There's no easy way To say I'm sorry. #

'But amongst all this, just one bumbling buffoon earned our respect.'

MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra

'Boris Johnson!'

# Gonna be a winner, winner... #

'Our very own superhero, rock-star politician

'who knew when to ask all the right questions.'

-Have you ever wrestled someone on a cable car?

-No.

-Er, no.

Thanks, everybody.

And thanks.

To be fair, whether you like it or not,

2012 has been a MASSIVE year for Boris.

And at this year's Tory party conference,

he decided to sell Great Britain to the world.

The Dutch ride bicycles made in London.

The Brazilians use mosquito repellent that is made in London.

Every single chocolate HobNob in the world is made in London.

-LAUGHTER

-It's actually true.

That's the man people are suggesting can run the country(!)

He's never left London!

Can you imagine Boris Johnson taking over Britain?

Taking a seat at the head of governments of the Western world?

Imagine that first summit he goes to and someone says,

"Do you want a biscuit?"

And he goes, "No, I've brought my chocolate HobNobs."

The thing is, Twitter has took over.

And on the 6th October this year, David Cameron -

our own Prime Minister - actually signed up for Twitter.

This would surprise a lot of people cos in the past

Mr Cameron has made his feelings known about Twitter.

-And on to technology, then. Are you on Twitter?

-No, I'm not.

I think the trouble with Twitter, the instantness of it is

I think there's too many twits might make a twat.

THEY GUFFAW

I tell you, I think that is...

That's like the Prime Minister trying to say, "Look, I am like you.

"I am a normal person. I'm going to use words like twat."

Next thing you know,

he's going to be lighting his farts and showing you on YouTube.

That's a big decision for a leader of a nation to go on Twitter

because people can then have access to you.

And I'm sure for David Cameron to go on Twitter,

he must have experienced some doubts.

# I want to know what love is... #

These messages, Samantha. That's wall to wall abuse. Look at this.

"You're not fit to be the Prime Minister."

"Why don't you just resign?" "David, you massive prick."

It's your own fault, dear. I told you not to join Twitter.

I'm not on Twitter yet. These are texts from Boris.

Another thing that was massive news was

that in September, Chief Tory Whip Andrew Mitchell

got into trouble for allegedly calling the police the plebs.

Now, judging from what other names I've heard thrown at the police,

calling them plebs is practically a term of endearment.

What we've found for this show is previously unseen footage

on his doorstep.

-Here he comes. Mr Mitchell?

-Mr Mitchell?

-Mr Mitchell?

Can you tell us what you said to the police?

Um, look, I am prepared to admit that I didn't treat the police with

the correct amount of respect. However, I refute allegations

-that I used the word "plebs".

-Yeah?

-Well, what words did you use?

-Um...

-Did you call them cretins?

Regrettably, yes, I did.

Imbeciles?

Um, once or twice, yes.

-Pea brains?

-Oh, yes. Yes.

-Classic arseholes?

-Fatty boom battys?

Uniformed fannies?

HE SIGHS Yes.

Did you call them the poo-lice?

-Yes.

-Sergeant Balls?

Ye...es. Ha-ha, yes.

-Truncheon munchers?

-Yes.

-Ginormous fanny farters?

-Yes.

-Dorks?

-Yes.

-Knobheads?

-Yes.

Dirt boxes?

Oh, come on, that's revolting!

Yes.

-Dweebs?

-Yes.

-Dorks?

-Yes.

-Cock-eyed finkle winkles?

-What's a cock-eyed finkle winkle?

-Answer the question.

-Did you call them cock-eyed finkle winkles?

-Yes.

Look, I want to make amends.

I've actually started a new campaign trying to change the law

so no-one else can make the terrible mistakes that I made.

It's called Police Legislation Eradicating Bygone Swearing.

Oh, tits.

-Mr Mitchell?

-Mr Mitchell?

-Mr Mitchell?

Plebs!

JOURNALISTS CLAMOUR

Plebs! Plebs! HE CHUCKLES

PLEBS!

2012 hasn't all been doom and gloom.

In fact, for some people it's been a massive year of success.

'Despite all the penny-pinching and cuts this year, some of us

'were queuing up to line the pockets of a pornographer.'

I would like my other half to buy me a flogger

but I don't think that's going to happen.

'Spank-happy housewives were single-handedly boosting

'the economy and their libidos buying sex toys by the truck load.'

Sales of that toy have gone up 626%

since the publication of Fifty Shades Of Grey.

'Fifty Shades wasn't the only adult book out this year,

'as JK Rowling proved she could still magic up millions.

'And not a wizard in sight.'

THEY GIGGLE

'But at least kids still had one thing to spend their pocket money on.'

# Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy till we see the sun... #

'As five baby-faced, talent-show rejects

'became the most successful band of all time!

'EVER!'

# ..And live while we're young. #

You couldn't pick up the paper this year without

reading about Harry Style's love life.

And how BRILLIANT he is in bed.

Apparently now he sleeps right the way through.

But I did this awful thing. I met him at a wedding.

It's honest to God true.

And you know when you meet somebody and they're very successful,

as he is, and I'm obviously a LOT older but I'm trying to be...

I'm trying to be... What's the word?

..helpful in that kind of grubby uncle wedding sort of way.

So I've had a few drinks and I've met him.

"Oh, Harry," I said, "I love One Direction."

You've got to say nice things, haven't you?

No, I said, "Great band. Great pop music. Doing really well."

He said, "Thank you." I said, "I believe you smashed America."

He said, "Yeah, we're doing very well."

I said, "Well done, Harry. Well done."

I said, "Shag everything, Harry. Just shag...

"..On behalf of all the middle-aged men here, Harry, shag everything.

"Just do it for us, son.

"I know we're asking a lot of you but we can't any more.

"It's down to you. Shag everything you find. Go on, off you go."

I don't think I want that going out, to be honest.

Someone else who's had a big year is JK Rowling.

JK Rowling has written her first adult novel.

I've got to be honest, I was a little bit disappointed. I read it.

I didn't even get a semi.

This is how some of JK's hard-core fans reacted to her new book.

Oh, my God! It's JK Rowling!

I can't believe we're speaking to someone

who actually knows Harry Potter!

We can't wait to read your brand-new book -

Harry Potter and The Casual Vacancy.

Oh, um... It's just The Casual Vacancy.

Not Harry Potter?

-No, Harry Potter is not in this book.

-What? Why?

I don't want to write children's books any more.

Harry Potter isn't a children's book!

HE SOBS

Look, I'm glad you liked my books,

but magic and wizards and spells, that stuff is for kids.

-No, it isn't for kids!

-It is.

-It isn't!

-It is.

-It isn't!

-It is.

Disappeariamus!

There. We showed her.

Yes, we are into adults' books.

That reminds me...

we are just in time for the EL James signing.

Oh, I love Fifty Shades of Grey!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My wife read Fifty Shades of Grey. It has changed our sex life.

I came home after she finished the first one and she said,

"John, I want you to hurt me."

I thought, fair enough, so I tied her up, I put her in a chair, and I said,

"You know what? You're not half looking fat."

I shouldn't tell true stories, should I?

But Fifty Shades has sold five million copies, becoming the biggest-selling

book of all time, even outselling Harry Potter.

Although, both books do feature people

playing with the Golden Snitch.

WH Smith have reported that sales of the book

have soared amongst the over-70s.

So if you have bought your gran a copy for Christmas,

you have only got yourself to blame, particularly when she gives

you a nice, warm Christmas jumper that she has knitted out of PVC.

Of course, not every OAP is going to be a fan of the book.

I love the beginning, but as you go on, it's absolutely, totally ridiculous.

Never do anything that hurts.

I think that this was the best way to lose your virginity and then quit.

Masturbation, cunnilingus, fellatio, butt plugs?

What the hell is a butt plug?

-Vaginal intercourse, vaginal fisting, what's vaginal fisting?

-I don't know.

Oh! She's crazy!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now I do need to tell everyone who is watching this in America

that if you do want to come over to this country and you want to

bring your butt plug, make sure you bring an adapter.

This year, 2012 was a massive year for sport

and it wasn't all about the Olympics.

2012 was a brilliant year for sports fans and, even ignoring

the Olympics, there were triumphs to celebrate everywhere you looked.

In cycling, this hairy mod won all of our hearts.

Andy Murray finally proved to everyone that he wasn't

the new Tim Henman by actually winning something.

And golf nearly got exciting when team Europe

pulled off one of the biggest sporting comebacks of all time.

In football news, England swapped a manager nobody could

understand for one that we can all understand.

I stand by every word I said, but I'm not prepared to add words to it.

Sometimes!

Come on, England!

2012 also gave us the European Championships.

There was the Champions League glory for Chelsea.

And a thrilling Premier League season went right to the wire,

although not many people cared as both teams were from Manchester.

The town is blue, what it always was. Man City!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think it's fair to say that that's your typical friendly Man City supporter.

Manchester!

One thing that seems to have now been forgotten is that England

actually got to the quarter-finals of the European Championships.

It was in the quarter-finals that we had the penalty shoot-out

against the Italians.

It came down to the final penalty

and this picture summarises the tension in the ground.

As you can see, everybody is fixated on the game.

And yet, there were two England supporters who wanted to go

one step further to try and make us win.

Does that not make every Englishman proud?

Yes, we know what we are going to do,

we are going to get our cocks out.

What is also brilliant is that if you look at the picture,

his mate is about to join in too.

I think we have a chance of putting them off, definitely.

And it makes you wonder

if you are trying to shape history by getting your cock out, how the

world could have been different at important historical events.

RADIO: 'Crowds are out in full force today,

'waving their flags, very excited

'to see the president and of course the First Lady, Jackie Kennedy.

'And I can just see him, yes, here he comes...'

OK, Mr President, prepare to... Hey!

Those guys have their pee-pees out!

Oh, damn it, he's gone.

-Captain, we are heading towards an iceberg!

-My God!

-I know.

No, look at those two!

They've got their todgers out.

HE LAUGHS

-My God, that arrow is heading straight for my eye.

-Oi, arrow!

Waaaay!

Ahhhhh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What I love about that is that has now been on national telly.

You now know that there will be somebody next week who is

thinking, "How can I do something to change things?"

You know, you're going into work and your boss is saying, "Look,

"I'm sorry, your appraisal is not good.

"We are going to have to have a change...

"Oh, you have your cock out! Fair enough."

One of the biggest stories this year without a doubt was

Bradley Wiggins winning the Tour de France.

Yes, massive.

APPLAUSE

The problem is, we have been so shit at sport for so long,

we don't know what to do when we win something.

This is the moment that he received his trophy.

LESLEY GARRETT SINGS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyway, despite Lesley Garrett singing,

The whole country went Wiggo crazy.

But not everybody was as impressed as you might imagine.

No prizes for guessing who these youngsters are excited about seeing.

Bradley Wiggins fever has struck this school in Carlisle.

I will be cycling with Katie in front of Bradley Wiggins

and Mark Cavendish.

-How do you feel about that?

-A bit embarrassed and a bit excited.

Why do you feel embarrassed?

Because I think I will have to wear these.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bradley Wiggins was not the only cyclist talked about this year.

Oh, this guy is a disgrace.

Look at him, he has tarnished the reputation of cycling,

given everyone who rides a bike a bad name.

He should be stripped of his titles

and not allowed to ride a bike for the rest of his life.

Bloody hell, you're a bit pissed off at Lance Armstrong.

That isn't Lance Armstrong...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, everyone, for watching, I'll see you again.

Good night and God bless.

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