Episode 3 Most Annoying People

This programme contains some strong language.

Welcome to this year's collection of the most annoying people of 2011.

Hi, are you all right?

ARGH!

In Britain, the more wrong it goes, the more we like it.

Celebrities always annoying people.

Over the past 12 months, we've been drawing up a hit list

of the most annoying people from around the globe.

This beautiful flower for you.

He's lucky Madonna didn't take that hydrangea and slap him.

-Pop stars.

-Hello, everybody.

-Politicians.

-I'll never forgive him. I'm not returning his calls at all.

Phone hackers.

Staff have been putting the finishing touches to the last edition

of the News of the World because of the latest phone-hacking allegations.

All the ones that have done their best to rattle our cages and trouble our Twitter.

We've got superstar meltdowns...

All he talked about was hookers and drugs and money, and he's really lost.

-..super injunctions...

-How about you just don't do shit? How about that?

How about you just behave?

..and some super-enhanced bodies.

I can walk around with a T-shirt that says, "Call my agent". I'm annoying.

Geordies gave TV a whole new breed of extra annoying reality stars.

Any girl that spits in a man's face is a girl I want to be rolling with.

-Katie Price got herself a new man...

-I haven't got a particular type.

..and, never one to be outdone, Lindsay Lohan got herself a new prison sentence.

The fact that she just wants to nick things is appalling.

2011 has also been the year of the unexpected.

Looters and rioters shattered our big cities.

A famous fashionista fell from grace.

You can be the most coolest person in fashion, but that kind of behaviour has to be held accountable.

And no-one could have predicted that a bridesmaid's derriere

would steal the limelight from a Royal bride.

Pippa's bum just took over the nation.

So, sit back and get ready to vent with vehemence

as we continue our trip through the most annoying people of 2011.

Next on our list, it's everyone's favourite annoying popstar.

Another vintage year for the first lady of annoying behaviour began back in January.

Her Grammy outfit in 2010 was the infamous meat dress.

This year, she arrived being carried in a giant egg.

She claimed to have been in the egg for three hours

getting herself in character, ready for the show,

which kind of sounds a bit ridiculous.

What character was she trying to get into, a chick?

# This time I'm not leaving without you... #

But the Grammys weren't the only awards this year where Gaga had us gagging.

Most annoying for me this year with Lady Gaga was when she turned up

to the MTV Awards as her male alter ego, I think it was Jo Calderone.

She looked like Shane MacGowan from The Pogues on acid

and that she needed a really good wash.

So poor Britney Spears must have been terrified

when Gaga tried to snog her.

You're like, "Gaga, that's already been done.

"Madonna, the person you copy every day, has already snogged Britney."

# My momma told me when I was young... #

Snogging Britney wasn't the only time Gaga was accused

of taking her love of Madonna a bit too far this year.

Her single Born This Way also sounded a touch familiar.

It was a cover of Express Yourself!

I'm amazed Madonna's lawyers haven't been on the phone

and suing the arse off her.

The Born This Way/Express Yourself phenomenon, where you play

both of the songs at the same time and sounds exactly like it...

# I'm beautiful in my way Cos God makes no mistakes

# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way... #

# Don't go for second best, baby, put your love... #

It's true, it's all true.

-But is it an homage?

-No.

-Is it inspiration?

-No.

Or is it like when I go to the mall and steal something?

That's like when you go to the mall and steal something.

When Gaga was asked about the controversy,

she said she wouldn't be moronic enough to rip off another artist,

but it wasn't just the music that annoyed.

The song's message of tolerance also grated for some of Gaga's fiercest fans.

She was expecting it to turn into this really gay anthem and,

unfortunately, they saw it as very much pandering to them

and they felt it was maybe a little bit desperate on her part.

Lady Gaga releases this album for the gays

and then we say she's pandering - like, how can you please us?

Well, Madonna knows how.

Up next, the Bourne Ultimatum.

When bride-to-be Heidi Withers

set off for a peaceful weekend away in Devon with her prospective parents-in-law,

little did she know what she was letting herself in for.

Gardening guru Carolyn Bourne, step-mum of fiance Freddie,

objected so strongly to the way she felt Heidi had behaved on the visit

that she sent her an email attacking her manners.

It seems the email Mrs Bourne sent from here

to her daughter-in-law-to-be was meant to be private.

But somehow it was forwarded on to other people,

who then sent it on to more people, and then it went viral.

When I read it I was so shocked

at how somebody can be that blunt.

If my mum ever wrote my boyfriend like that,

I would cold slap that bitch.

She sounds like Mrs Bucket on steroids,

that's what I gleaned from that email.

By her failure to keep up required appearances,

newspapers readers around the world learned that Carolyn

considered Heidi an ideal candidate for Ladette to Lady

and suggested that she found herself a good finishing school.

-ARCHIVE:

-Finishing school gives you that touch of savoire fair.

Down...and up.

So what was it that got the haughty horticulturalist so upset?

Apparently she ate her dinner before everyone else.

I mean, I do - you know, I mean, sometimes I don't even say grace.

The gardening gloves were off as her mumzilla's manners guide continued.

This demon of decorum had more advice.

I think you should lead by example, you know,

she could have handwritten her email, couldn't she?

And sent it in a little notelet card with a picture of some ducks

on the front or something and it would have been rather lovely.

Carolyn really couldn't contain herself, though,

when it came to Freddie and Heidi's plans

to hold their reception at Berkeley Castle in Gloucestershire.

You can imagine her sitting there with her handbag going, "Mmm".

In fact, as she's writing this, I like to imagine that she's dressed

like Maggie Smith from Downton Abbey with the same sour look on her face.

It's quite nice to know that your family are not the only family

that are absolutely mental.

It's nice for people to look on and be like, "Oh, yeah, OK,

"my boyfriend's mum's a bit of a cow,

"but at least she didn't send this email to me."

Unsurprisingly, Carolyn and her husband were not seen at the wedding this November.

But, then again, nor was Heidi.

Up next, not one, but two annoying things in 2011.

Kate Moss began the year by setting the catwalk alight

with a smoking appearance.

There is no question that smoking is vulgar, particularly on a catwalk.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure how long Kate can go

between one cigarette and the next.

Here she is, for whatever reason, an icon of our times.

She absolutely knows that.

Why she felt the need to force that on to the catwalk

when she knew the way that that would appear to teenagers as,

"Well, it's cool, cos Kate Moss does it,"

and I know that's a really boring and old argument,

but, the fact of the matter is, it is true.

But smoking wasn't the only annoying thing that Kate did this year.

In July she married hubby Jamie Hince with a guest list

of A-list movers and shakers intent on causing chaos in the Cotswolds.

It was a very eclectic group, including two celebrity racists -

Brown and Galliano were there.

If you're going to invite Galliano and James Brown to your wedding,

you probably should cross off Samuel L Jackson,

and Woody Allen as well.

I think the priest would have probably been trying to get

through the ceremony as quick as possible.

"I now pronounce you man and wife, off you go".

The residents of Little Faringdon were absolutely furious

with Kate Moss for basically shutting down the village

so she could stage her own mini festival.

Three days for a wedding.

Most weddings I know you get to the evening, a couple of drinks,

a fight, then we go home. Three days!

She made it completely clear that this was a private event.

However, she expected all the residents nearby to put up

with receiving absolutely no access to their village.

How they meant to get to the local pub?

How's the mobile library meant to go around while she's there lording it up?

The police spent thousands and thousands of pounds

and it was completely and utterly unacceptable.

Kate Moss is used to having police visit her. This time they were on her side.

Well, through the village there's been lots of vehicles,

blacked out windows, containing, well...

-CHEERING

-..we know not who.

Shutting down a whole village does not make you the lady of the manor.

Maybe she was doing it to be different.

Maybe she was doing it to be a little shocking,

but it was so annoying.

Now for a fallen fashionista.

Eccentric enfant terrible John Galliano

has been causing waves on the catwalk for years.

# Fashion, turn to the left Fashion, turn to the right... #

But 2011 saw the oddball outfitter go completely off the rails,

as admiration turned to outrage.

On Thursday evening, John Galliano was arrested at this bar

for the suspected verbal abuse of a female customer.

He vehemently denies the use of anti-semitic language.

Are you blond with blue eyes?

No, but I love Hitler and people like you would be dead today.

WOMAN LAUGHS

-Your mother's... Your forefathers would be

-BLEEP

-dead.

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

But when it emerged that Galliano

had been responsible for two more racist rants at the same bar,

employers Christian Dior sacked the disgraced designer.

John Galliano was really the go-to guy in fashion.

This is a man who had people like Kate Moss, Natalie Portman,

Madonna on his speed dial.

You couldn't think of a name in fashion any more prestigious

or famous than he.

People in the fashion industry are always a bit odd and a bit

quirky but quirkiness does not make racist outbursts acceptable.

Here's a man who is part of a group of people who have been

stereotyped in the past - he's a gay man and proud of it -

but it makes it even more unpalatable that he's pointing at a minority

and showing how racist he was.

I'd love for John to go back in time to Hitler where Hitler was

throwing all these parties for gay people

and showing how much he appreciated them.

Oh, no, he wasn't, he was putting them in ovens as well.

It's more just very sad because the thing is,

he is genuinely huge talent.

And you can be the most brilliant, the most, you know, coolest person

in fashion, but that kind of behaviour has to be held accountable.

Galliano faced trial in a Paris court with his defence team

denying he was racist and blaming his outbursts on alcohol

and prescription drugs.

# Now the drugs don't work They just make you worse... #

"I'm having trouble sleeping cos I'm working in Australia, doctor."

"I recommend some Zopiclone sleeping tablets."

"Any side effects?"

"Yes, you will shout, "Jew, Jew, dirty Jew," every time you wake up."

"I might just stick to the Nytol."

Causing yet another scene at 13 is a celebrity racking up

a fifth appearance on the most annoying list.

# Baby, you're a firework... #

Hold on to your valuables - it's Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay's attention-seeking antics have been virtually unstoppable

this year, and back in February she added something new

to her long list of bad girl behaviour...

jewellery thief!

This is someone who could potentially make millions

and millions and millions of pounds if she wanted to,

and the fact that she just wants to nick things is just appalling.

-When regular people take things, it's called stealing.

-Yes.

When a celebrity steals something, it's called loaning and borrowing.

Or gifting!

It's tough in Hollywood. People don't get this.

They don't realise how hard film stars have it and you know what?

Sometimes you just need a little bit of extra jewellery,

and if people aren't just going to give it to you,

what are you supposed to do? Pay for it yourself?!

Charged with theft and probation violations,

the judge sentenced her to 120 days' house arrest,

but rapper Pitbull sentenced her to life

in his international hit song Give Me Everything.

RAPS: And I got her locked up like Lindsay Lohan.

This girl's actually suing the rapper Pitbull

because he mentions her in his music video.

HE RAPS: And I got her locked up like Lindsay Lohan.

Well, she WAS locked up. It's a fact - rappers can rap about whatever they want,

but they can particularly rap about something that actually happened.

I think the girl should be so lucky to have any mention at all

in the world right now.

What is she doing for society besides serving as an example

of what not to be when you grow up?

Struggling with her life and her make-up, Lohan was back in court

in November for yet again failing to complete her community service.

-JUDGE: Miss Lohan?

-I'm sorry.

After a recent 1 million payday for a full frontal Playboy shoot, where next for Lindsay?

They must be pushing for a reality show.

That's actually the one reality show

I'd be like, "Yes, that deserves to be made." I mean, we should be following her around.

Even if just as for an example to kids for how not to live their lives.

# It's a hard-knock life! #

Slipping down the list and slipping up this year,

Katie Price has had an even more annoying 2011,

but the problem is she just won't go away.

She's an animal, that one, she really is.

The poor guy, she's just like this big python waiting

to, like, get him and digest him.

Oh, I haven't got a particular type.

Poor Peter Andre.

You know, I'm in no rush to get married.

Poor Alex.

Why do I want to talk about exes?

She dumps her latest, Leandro,

by translator, who says to him, "You're not giving her enough sex".

That's not a nice person.

She'll get halfway through something and go,

"Oh, that's not working," and walk away.

That's fine if it's a book or a TV show. When it's a person...

Ohhhh.

And what gets me the most -

she hits them where it hurts and blasts them

all over the media

saying that they couldn't keep up with her in bed.

A dog with two dicks couldn't keep up with you in bed, pet.

Ever since her split from Peter Andre,

Katie may have lost the support of the general public,

but continues to make millions from her ample assets.

And, touch wood, everything I do does work.

So what does a girl who's already bared it all do for a bit more exposure?

Launch her own magazine of course, about her favourite subject.

Herself.

# You're so vain... #

Such a girly-girly magazine, it's all fun, uplifting.

I was just so pleased with it, they've done such a good job as well.

Katie Price has got a magazine. Doesn't mean anyone will read it.

It's got, like, problem pages,

it's got my views on people on the red carpet.

Not about the individual person, just about their outfit.

My favourite nail varnishes, my tattoos,

just bits that people don't know about me.

When Katie Price announced she was bringing out her own magazine,

it was a very dark day at Glamour Magazine,

we were quaking in our boots.

It's got cooking tips, and how to make what I make.

I don't care how Katie Price boils her frozen peas or makes them,

but the walking hypocrisy is that she has made millions

from magazines like OK!, Hello!, posing, telling them everything

and then she even shafts them by bringing out her own magazine.

It's like she can't have a lasting relationship with anyone.

Next up, it's Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer.

BOTH: Yo, yo, yo, what's up?

-I'm John.

-I'm Edward. BOTH: And together we are Jedward!

Yo, VIP. Let's kick it!

# Pressure! #

The very existence of Jedward is annoying.

They've got half a brain each and neither of those halves is working.

The thing we love about hotel rooms is no matter how dirty you make it,

you don't have to clean it up as you get the hotel cleaners

-to clean your room.

-And they're like, "Waa-ah!".

They're so pale,

they're like veal cutlets that haven't been out into the sun.

First of all, we should apologise to music lovers everywhere.

When we met Jedward last year, we planted a dangerous thought

in their otherwise empty heads.

Fortunately, the UK had other plans,

but Ireland, for what happened next, we are truly sorry.

We are Jedward!

And we're twins, OK, and we're so excited about making the final.

It nearly caused me to have a seizure.

They were moving around so fast mumbling these strange words.

It was like they were having a fit themselves.

They were the most annoying thing on the entire Eurovision,

which is saying a hell of a lot.

The boys finished in a fairly respectable eighth place

but their annoying year was only just getting started.

BOTH: Aaaagh!

Party!

# My bad behaviour My bad behaviour

# Told you I was trouble with my bad behaviour... #

Jedward's next move in 2011 was an impressive display

of just how irritating they really can be.

# Now tell me if I'm bad... #

Placed in a Big Brother house crammed full of annoying celebrities,

they had no problem putting their rivals in the shade.

They were incredibly annoying.

It was like two six-year-old children.

In fact, two-year-olds at times.

I think I was pretty close to putting both their heads down the toilet at one stage.

One thing you didn't see is me having them pinned up against a wall

in a strangulation attempt, which was very fun, I might add.

It wasn't life-threatening, but, boy, it could just have been...

# My bad behaviour... #

They were extremely irritating in Big Brother, yet finished third.

Could it be that the really annoying thing about Jedward this year

is that secretly we're all becoming Jedheads?

He's wearing his clothes because he's on TV

and he doesn't want to, like, show off his muscles.

I think secretly inside I'm a bit of a Jedward fan.

I...um...I like how tight their trousers are.

They are the only decent thing

Louis Walsh has ever done and I think they're brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. Team Jedward.

-Jed to the E to the D to the ward.

-BOTH: Planet Jedward!

Their hits might have dried up,

but their 15 minutes of fame shows no sign of ending.

Rather annoyingly, it seems as though we're stuck with them.

Jedward are not going to change. They're never going to grow up. It is their brand.

Yes, they're annoying to some people,

but, my God, without people like that, we'd have a pretty boring world, wouldn't we?

At ten, MTV's shock reality show from Newcastle.

Serving a bevy of booze, birds and bonking, it's Geordie Shore.

After The Only Way is Essex, I thought, "Where do we go next?"

Newcastle. Let's find some metrosexual guys

and girls with their boobs hanging out. Should be easy enough.

The Geordie Shore cast exist on booze and sex, one-night stands...

We going to get four birds round, wine and dine them,

make them feel good and bang 'em.

I love the fact there was no tact or subtlety to it.

On the first night, there was already sex and a fight.

I think that's the sign of any good night out.

# Oh, watching people get lairy... #

I don't think they have any limits.

I think they're vile, they're disgusting.

This is too much.

I just want to go out, get them pissed, and bang them.

They say things that you would never say. They do things you would never do.

And it's vulgar.

And I love that. I sit there and I'm addicted.

I can sit and watch that programme back-to-back-to-back...

I'll need a shower afterwards.

Viewers and the national press were outraged by the gang's behaviour,

accusing it of taking reality TV to new lows.

My favourite girl in Geordie Shore has got to be Vicky.

I reckon Vicky's going to kick off without a doubt.

Vicky. "Don't push us, Jay."

I'm still raging about them bringing back them lasses

and now he feels the need to mug us off again.

Any girl that spits in her man's face is a girl I want to be rolling with.

I'm a bit embarrassed that I managed

to spit in Jason's face.

But he did piss us off.

You did it first, Jay! You did it first.

'I was working in a call centre.'

I was shite at it.

I was on me last warning, absolutely hated it.

It was an opportunity to do something

that not many people will ever, ever get the chance to experience -

getting paid to get pissed.

Oh, no.

I just loved the mad, swearing, Geordie patter.

As a Scotsman, I could almost understand most of it as well.

Tashing on.

Tashing on.

I've no idea.

Ejaculating on someone's top lip.

Get a tash on - it means to get off with someone and snog them.

Tashing on, I'm going to take full credit for.

It was just necking on, having a kiss.

Mortal.

Um...

Dead? That's dead.

Must mean hammered or pissed or drunk.

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Absolutely mortal, man. It means getting drunk.

Has a girl ever performed a slut drop on me?

That's a first. I've never heard of that term.

What's a slut drop?

Just by hearing that, I know exactly what it is. A slut that has dropped.

-Aw, show a slut drop.

-Slut drop is getting so famous right now.

It's a busy, busy bar on a Saturday night,

and the only way you're going to let that lad across the room know that you're into him

is by...doing a slut drop.

He starts, like, grinding behind on you, like, he's feeling you,

he's enjoying it and then all of a sudden - boom! Slut drop.

That's it, you've pulled.

And then after that, he is all over you like a rash.

I'm honestly not surprised that we're in your top 50 Most Annoying.

At the end of the day, we're a bunch of over-tanned, talentless twats.

At nine, it's the pap with the carefully-crafted pecs,

who can only be described as...

# So macho... #

I've never given a shit what people think.

# So macho... #

Which is just as well.

With a reputation as the most prolific paparazzi in the world,

Darryn Lions made an expose of himself

when he entered the celebrity Big Brother house this year.

I was quite surprised

Darryn Lyons entered Celebrity Big Brother, because it's normally

full of the worst kind of attention-seekers you've ever seen in your life.

Just to look at Darryn, he doesn't want the attention.

He keeps himself to himself.

He dresses normally, he's got a normal haircut. I couldn't understand it at all.

I'm not bothered about being watched 24 hours a day.

I've got nothing to hide. I am who I am. You love me or hate me.

It's one tick off the bucket list that not many people

and not many celebrities on the planet will get to do.

But it was his much talked about bizarre new body that sent Britain bonkers.

I think he's so cute!

He looks like a cute little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

And the press went to town on Darryn's shiny turtle tummy.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle! I loved it. It was a fantastic headline.

Darryn's washboard stomach is a result of body contour surgery -

a fat-hoovering procedure costing him over ten grand.

What a body. I mean, wow, what a body.

It looks like a child's drawing.

It's really strange.

I don't think there's any man with a body like mine and Darryn's

who watched that and went, "Wow, life-changer."

It's been a life-changing thing and, at the end of the day, I'm proud as punch.

With the amount of girls stopping me in the streets saying, "Show us your abs," it's been a bit of a winner.

'Darryn is working it.'

Not just proud of showing off his body, Darryn also took delight

in revealing he's had more than just a few notches on his bedpost.

'Darryn is regaling the housemates with another tale from his glory days.'

-You had 12 women in bed with you?

-It was a good night.

Wow, I thought there was other guys involved. I'm... 12 in a bed?

It was those crazy days when I was... Well, I was a lot older than you, actually.

Old enough to know better, you man slag.

# Sexy boy... #

I think Darryn Lyons' lady-man ability is all in the mohican.

It's like his mojo, know what I mean? What he does is, like an avatar,

he gets the end of his hair and attaches it to the female's hair

and then they make a love connection and that's how they mate.

I was quite surprised to hear that Darryn Lyons is a bit of a ladies' man -

then I found out it was actually Darryn who'd said that.

So what has Lyons the Lothario given us in 2011?

It's all pink dressing gowns,

crazy hair and chiselled torsos.

And if that's what I've brought to the celebrity world as the most annoying celebrity in 2011,

well, giddy up.

Riding high in our chart this year, and not for her music,

it's the queen mother of pop, Madonna.

Never shy of getting what she wants, when Madonna attempts to

give us more than three minutes of pop, it's always a worry.

Madonna... Eugh.

What more can you say?

Last year, she was playing fashion designer with daughter Lourdes,

but this year, Madonna has been making a movie.

# We're making a movie Isn't it groovy?

# Welcome to my house. #

Writing and directing W./E. -

a modern biopic about Edward and Mrs Simpson - in London this year,

Madonna had hoped looking rough behind a camera

would give her movie the credibility she so desperately craved.

The whole process has been extremely...um...

I don't know, inspiring, exhausting. I've never worked so hard in my life.

But all that hard work wasn't enough to impress the critics.

So whilst trying to woo the public and the press

into seeing her dodgy directorial debut,

she spectacularly managed to annoy everyone when a nice man offered her a flower.

This flower for you. You're my princess, thank you so much. I love you.

On receiving the floral gift, Madge promptly discarded it

and was overheard telling the person next to her...

How rude!

# I beg your pardon... #

The guy is lucky

Madonna didn't take the hydrangea and slap him across the face.

Don't give me some broken-down 4 flower, give me a bouquet.

-Madonna, where's the flowers?

-Oh, my assistant took them.

'I didn't know she loathed them.'

Maybe that was my mistake

not to read beforehand that she loathed them.

I just don't see it myself.

I mean, what's a hydrangea ever done to anyone?

It's fairly inoffensive. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned manners, Madonna?

As a human, I was upset because I put all my love into the gift

and she put it on the floor and didn't care about it.

She's a big star.

She should be grateful for any attention she receives.

This is a good lesson for Madonna.

I think it was all set up

just to keep people from talking about the terrible, terrible movie.

Of course, W./E. stands for Wallis and Edward,

but I think for most of us it stands for, "Whatever, Madonna."

At number seven, it's Roo-KnowWho.

The really annoying thing about Wayne is that he's a pro-footballer.

He makes shedloads of money.

He is the idol of millions

and he's got no idea about how lucky he is.

It's been yet another 12 months of annoying antics for our Wayne.

Last year, it might have been all about prostitutes and contract disputes,

this year, though, it's a case of...

# Hair we go, hair we go, hair we go. #

Wayne Rooney's hair transplant.

If you've got that much money at your disposal,

I would have gone, "There's a million, find Michael Bolton, do him..."

# Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? #

Put his head on your head. Amazing head of hair.

Timeless as well.

But a hair transplant hardly seems the stuff of a no-nonsense footballer

in his mid-20s, so are we being a bit vain, Rooney?

It's not like he's doing it to pick up women. He's Wayne Rooney.

He'll buy a girl if he wants one.

He'll buy a granny, you know what he's like. It doesn't matter.

Just go to the OAP shop, that's like Toys R Us for him.

Wayne Rooney sold out the bald brothers, but he's got more swagger on the pitch.

He's doing a lot better. It's given him a bit of a spring in his step.

With the new thatch giving Wayne a Samson-like strut,

summer saw him take the missus for a dirty weekend, but being annoying celebrity glampers,

their trip to Glastonbury wasn't the typical festival experience.

He spent ten grand on a campervan. It's only a third

of what he spent on his hair,

so I suppose it's a wise investment for him.

I like the fact he needed security

to take him to the toilet as well. I don't know if that was to protect him

or just that he still needs someone to wipe his backside at his age.

At number six, it's Britain's most celebrated bottom.

April 29th, 2011. The nation gathered around the television

to see our future king and queen tie the knot.

Up until then, all the talk had been about Kate's dress. Then this happened.

# I see you, baby

# Shaking that ass... #

I was watching the Royal Wedding and there was an audible gasp

when Pippa's rear made its first appearance.

She wore a dress that was clearly designed

to maximise her ass.

And that was our introduction to poor old Pippa Middleton,

who suddenly found she'd become the owner of the most famous and annoying bum of the year.

Pippa's bum just took over the nation.

As soon as she stepped out of that car and shook her booty,

that was it, we were all going crazy.

There was a lot of hype that day.

Everything got blown out of proportion.

If you're a lady and marrying the heir to the throne,

this must be one of your worst nightmares.

Your sister and her arse are the most famous thing of the day.

In fact, such was the instant fame of Pippa and her bum

that by the end of the day,

her royal hotness had many a loyal subject.

As soon as Pippa Middleton stepped out of the Rolls-Royce

at Westminster Abbey, my friends and I were all united in the fact

that, yeah, she was pretty stunning.

Just as a joke, I started a Facebook page with the title

Pippa Middleton Arse Appreciation Society.

Every time I refreshed the page we were getting ten more people,

20 more people, 30 more people.

I think it had about 40,000 likes by the end of the first day,

and it just went crazy.

It wasn't just frisky Facebookers who went potty for Pippa.

After the wedding, newspapers and magazines grabbed hold of her bottom and wouldn't let go.

I really felt sorry for her, because she's getting papped all the time, and she's so not ready for it.

The fact that she can walk out in a dodgy-looking dress and get on the front page

of five national newspapers is over the top to me.

We know more about her bum than we do about her.

It's more of a celebrity entity than the rest of her.

And it's not just the UK that seems to have developed an annoying obsession

with Britain's best-known bum.

P-Middy has also been getting plenty of interest from our friends across the pond.

Americans clearly have a bum fixation.

Now apparently Pippa's, as opposed to Kim Kardashian or J-Lo's,

is the number one most-requested bum in the plastic surgeon's office.

Having seen Pippa, they come in, they want the smaller,

more rounded, tight, fit buttocks,

and it stimulated a lot of interest around the world.

Back on home turf, perhaps all this irritating fuss over Pippa and her bum is finally starting to die down.

Faced with the conundrum of who should win Rear of the Year UK,

voters handed the prize to an old favourite, offering one from the bottom and two from the top.

I can't understand why Carol Vorderman beat Pippa Middleton

to Rear of the Year this year,

because I thought that the campaign we put together was strong enough.

But maybe next year.

Rising high on our list in more ways than one this year is Charlie Sheen.

Hollywood is no stranger to the celebrity meltdown,

but this year Two And A Half Men star Charlie Sheen had one to beat them all.

Charlie Sheen is just a magnified example of the mad person

you meet on the bus you don't sit beside,

except he's a Hollywood star.

Charlie! Charlie! What do you think of all this?

'He is what celebrity is supposed to be.'

It's nothing less than huge.

He's entertaining and he just keeps us watching.

This year, the wild antics of the playboy, and his not one, but two Playgirl goddesses

forced production on his hit sitcom Two And A Half Men to grind to a halt.

With time on his hands, Sheen turned to Twitter to explain himself,

and in just over 24 hours

had over one million followers not understanding a single word.

I don't know, any suggestions?

'He was on every website,'

on every TV show. He was talking to everybody,

doing crazy things every single day. It got to the point

where, actually, viewers and readers became a little bit bored of him.

For his next trick, Charlie decided the time was right

to insult the man who was paying him a cool 2 million an episode to make people laugh.

But sitcom boss, Chuck Lorre, delivered the ultimatum punchline and gave him the sack.

To criticise the people that were paying him so publicly was remarkable

and, to be honest, I think I was a bit jealous, because we've all wanted to do that.

We've all wanted to just stand drunk and shout at the people that pay our wages.

Bouncing back from the sack, Charlie's new mantra may have been "winning",

but he was clearly losing the plot.

No-one knew exactly what he was winning,

but, when he announced a tour of his one-man show, The Torpedo Of Truth,

thousands turned up to find out.

Charlie! It's for you, buddy!

I'm gonna name my baby "Charlie"!

Whoo! Hey!

Anybody else would listen, you know. It's not how this thing works.

AUDIENCE SHOUTING

Anyway...

AUDIENCE JEERING

The people who went and saw him were pissed when there was nothing to watch.

You didn't know that there was no show.

What talent does he have? He was written for his entire life.

The way I see it, Charlie owes me 109 bucks.

-Why's that?

-Because it was kind of a waste of time.

He's not winning. I lost by going to this. I lost. I'm losing.

Charlie Sheen was asked if he was bipolar.

His answer was to say, "I'm bi-winning."

"I win here, I win there, I win everywhere"

I think he has come out of this a winner.

Charlie's had the last laugh. After suing the makers of Two And A Half Men for mental anguish,

he's come away with a settlement of 125 million.

Charlie Sheen, I am sure, will be back on our TV screens very, very soon

and he could even become one of the highest-paid members of Hollywood yet again.

Up next, an appearance from another old friend here on this show.

For Ashley Cole, 2011 has been an annoying year of guns, girls

and an unlikely reconciliation in the summer with the ex.

Cheryl Cole's had a pretty tough time.

She was very publicly humiliated, being kicked off the X Factor in the USA.

The thing that she needs is a bit of stability.

Yes, Ashley Cole's been a rat but, if you're going to offer her love and friendship, so be it.

But, of course, Ashley being Ashley, it wasn't to last.

The main reason so many of us hate Ashley Cole

is because of what he's done to our beloved Cheryl

and none of us wanted her to take Ashley back and she did, only to be let down by the guy again.

What is the matter with him? Cheryl Cole for God's sake,

giving you a fifth, sixth, seventh chance

and you do daft stuff with models from nightclubs. What's the matter with you?

I can't understand him! I can't get me head round him.

I'm annoyed. I'm furious with...

I'm just shaking with rage.

Cheryl Cole, she's hot.

You're punching well above your weight

and you still can't treat her right.

Just what on Earth goes through your head?

You cheated on one of the most beautiful women in the world

with a set of absolute skanks, who went and then made money off it.

I hope you feel proud of yourself.

But it wasn't only Ashley's love life where a bit of banging landed him in trouble.

Back in February, he got it very, very wrong

when he was told he needed to practise his shooting.

Ashley Cole was reportedly holding the rifle

when he accidentally fired it.

He shot someone who was standing 5ft away.

Ashley Cole took the most powerful air gun you can buy without a licence into training.

And he's just wandering around in the changing rooms

and shoots the 18-year-old work-experience guy, Tom Cowan.

That's surely proof the guy's not all there at all.

Who would do that?

Apparently, sources say he was larking around, but what kind of lark

involves shooting the work experience with an air gun?

(TV REPORTER) Chelsea say they are dealing with the matter internally.

It's thought he'll be fined a quarter of a million by the club.

Though that's just two weeks' salary for the player.

Imagine you go to work and accidentally shoot Sonia from accounts.

You know that's game over, career finished, probably a bit of time inside.

Not Ashley Cole, though.

I think what it was is that he went into football training

thinking, "I want a change of career, I'm gonna try athletics."

"In fact, I don't want to run, I want to be the guy who starts the race". Pow!

Whispering in at number three, it's the controversial subject of...

Sh.

..super-injunctions

and the growing list of celebrities that are taking them out like...

Sh.

I think you get the idea.

# It's oh so quiet. #

Super-injunctions are the new evil.

It should be the same for everybody -

if you want to play away and you're found out, you take the consequences.

The annoying thing about it is it proves that,

if you have a lot of money, you can try to protect your personal life.

If you don't have a lot of money, then it's fair game for newspapers.

Celebrities had it so easy

when they could simply pay huge sums of money to keep details

of their private lives safely locked away inside the British legal system.

Pop star Howard Donald, journalist Andrew Marr,

and presenter Jeremy Clarkson, have all been involved

in gagging girls with their big super-injunctions.

However, the most annoying case of super-injunctivitis this year

involved hotty Imogen Thomas and a player who can only be identified as "CTB".

But who is he?

CTB. Who is he?

Honestly, I really have no idea. Do you know?

If you don't know who CTB is,

er, he's the one that slept with Imogen Thomas.

He's a Premiership footballer and his name rhymes with "Brian".

It was the most expensive worst-kept secret

since the revelation that footballers like to sleep around.

We all knew who it was. We knew who it was for ages.

If I slept with Imogen Thomas, I would want the world to know.

I would be selling my selling my story!

I'd sell them pictures going, "Seriously, it actually happened!"

Eventually, the super-injunction was exposed, not by the courts but by 75,000 Twitter users.

People from the streets, or on social media networks said,

"You know what, we can say what we want and we've got that power now."

CTB tried to protect his hefty investment by threatening to sue the Twitter community.

He had the audacity to suggest that 75,000 Twitter users

might end up in court, so that he could protect a story, which, essentially, everybody knew about.

That is just... It's unenforceable.

You can't stop Twitter. You cannot stop Twitter.

As far as I'm concerned, getting outed on Twitter

was one of my highlights of 2011, because it's all he deserved.

Although Imogen Thomas lost her legal battle, and is still gagged to this day,

she has benefited from column inches and a revitalised career.

To be honest with you, the only annoying thing is

that Imogen Thomas is, you know, she's everywhere now.

She did this article going, "I feel I've been objectified,

"the way people are looking at me."

"My flesh has now been consumed by the public."

"I'm nothing but... I'm looked at as a slut and a sex object"

And the next paper, she was in swimwear

with a string up her arse

and, honestly, a camel toe like the army of Saudi Arabia. It was unbelievable.

"Stop objectifying me! Here's my vaj!"

So, what's the way forward for super-injunctions in 2012?

If you want to avoid the super-injunctions

and all the embarrassment, how about you just don't do shit?

How about that? How about you just behave?

I'd love to be doing more gagging orders.

I'd love to be up to my eyeballs in gagging orders.

The truth is super-injunctions are really annoying

and I really wish I could talk about them, but I can't!

At number two, it's a real front-page shocker.

It's been a ticking time bomb for some years,

but in 2011 the scandal of phone hacking finally exploded.

It's a story with so many candidates for most annoying.

We could fill a programme trying to work out who was the worst,

but there's no doubt which tabloid newspaper was singled out for the whole sorry mess.

After 168 years of newspaper history, tonight,

staff have been putting the finishing touches to the last edition of the News Of The World

because of the latest phone-hacking allegations.

News Of The World boss Rupert Murdoch made the shock decision

to pull the plug on Britain's best selling newspaper

when it was revealed in July that the tabloid's rife illegal phone hacking

extended to victims of crime.

It began with the devastating allegation that Milly Dowler's

phone messages were listened to and deleted by a tabloid investigator.

There's no defence for what News Of The World did. Not only was it illegal, but it was immoral.

Just the audacity that they thought they could get away with this.

They thought they could invade anyone's privacy, no matter the hell

they were going through. I'm not sure where they are, but hopefully it's cold

and they're locked up. Yeah. But they're not, of course.

Latest figures suggest the News Of The World listened in on over 5,000 individuals.

But it wasn't just their mucky phone hacking habits that annoyed us.

It was also the cosy relationship the paper and its owners enjoyed

with the powers that be.

Which may explain why it's taken so long for the scandal to become public.

REPORTER: Revealed today, the extraordinary links between two British institutions,

Scotland Yard and News International.

MPs described it as a revolving door between the two organisations,

each acting like a job-placement scheme for the other.

What's annoying is the fact that nobody did anything about it.

The newspapers didn't do anything about it. The police didn't do anything about it.

The politicians didn't do anything about it. It's just rancid.

REPORTER: What about the current occupant of No 10?

He's never been photographed with Mr Murdoch, even when he was invited to visit him,

discreetly, just days after the last election.

With the full extent of phone hacking becoming clear,

politicians were given a chance in July to grill Rupert Murdoch about his knowledge of the scandal.

But the occasion ended in farce when stand up comedian Jonnie Marbles stepped forward

to let the News Of The World boss know exactly what he thought about him.

I was the guy who threw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face.

The foam on a plate was delivered by a member of the public,

who was rewarded with a right hook from wife Wendy.

The News Of The World spent so much time telling everyone else in the world off.

At the same time, they hacked 5,000 people. They broke the law over and over again.

It shows the moral hypocrisy on the part of the tabloids.

You know, Rupert Murdoch's this almost Bond villianesque figure.

I had a plan in my head to try and say something sort of witty and acerbic,

but what I ended up saying was, "You naughty billionaire," which didn't really cover it.

But, for some, Jonnie's gesture was almost as annoying as hacking itself.

I thought he was a bit of a dick. It was just getting good

and he kind of let Murdoch off the hook a bit.

Who goes round assaulting 80-year-old men, anyway? Grow up, mate.

He threw shaving foam in Rupert Murdoch's face,

where it's meant to go.

It's like throwing a custard pie in someone's mouth.

Despite spending two weeks in jail for common assault,

Jonnie makes no apology for his stunt.

My only real regret from the whole thing

is that I pled guilty at the trial, because it would've been real fun

to call Rupert Murdoch as a witness and just do it all over again.

The scandal rumbles on.

Most annoying of 2012? Hold the front page.

Well, at least on certain newspapers.

And that's almost your lot. It's been another year full of maddening moments.

'We've been irked by Essex girls.'

Shut up.

-'And Geordie boys.'

-I just want to get them pissed, get them back and bang them.

'Left astounded by celebrity weddings...'

Shutting down a whole village does not make you the lady of the manor.

'..and fallen fashionistas.'

Oh, my God. Anti-Semitism's so hot, right now!

-'Every single one of them managed to irritate us.'

-Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh!

We can safely say that none of them annoyed the nation

as much as the mob who rampaged their way to our top spot.

August 2011 saw us shocked by mayhem and destruction

on a scale not seen on English streets for 30 years.

Almost every shop on this high street has been trashed and looted

and it's only in the past few minutes that the police have arrived in any numbers.

Anger in Tottenham at the fatal shooting by police

of young father Mark Duggan

led to rioting in the area that then fireballed out of control throughout the capital.

I don't know why people... Oh, my God! I don't know why people do this.

You don't think these sort of things would happen especially in, you know, leafy Enfield.

There were so many young 14, 15, 16-year-old youths just everywhere.

My TV was stuck on News 24 and Sky News

going back and forth, getting the latest updates.

I think even missed EastEnders. I missed EastEnders to watch the news!

Over four nights, mobs of youths, some as young as 11 and 12,

ran rampage, using social networking as a means of encouraging others to loot and riot

as the disorder spread out of London to cities like Birmingham and Manchester.

The police can't do nothing.

So it's a like a freedom act, innit? Do whatever you want today, mate.

What was really annoying is that all over the Arab world,

young people were rising up and overturning their governments.

Our young people were standing around in designer sportswear, messaging on their Blackberrys,

talking about how hard done by they were

and rising up for a new pair of trainers and a fresh TV. Like...

They interviewed one girl and the question they asked was why are you doing this?

"Well, I had to get my taxes back, innit?"

This is a 15-year-old child.

People would text going, "Are you all right, mate?

"Cars are on fire, shops are being looted, people getting smashed up."

"Are you safe?"

So I would text back, "Can't talk now, trying on my brand-new pair of Nike Air High Tops."

With homes and cars destroyed,

it was surely time for Dave "Hug A Hoodie" Cameron to sort it out.

That got me the most angry. David Cameron's away on holiday.

What's going on, David? He has no excuse for that, no excuse. I'll never forgive him.

Not returning his calls at all.

On the front pages of the papers it was "Britain Burning"

and him just sipping a limonata on a terrace somewhere.

Tuscany, actually.

OK, so time for deputy Nick Clegg to step in.

No, Spain. The Home Secretary.

Switzerland. Get the Mayor, then.

Boris is still in Canada. Get him back here!

There was so much negativity that went on with the riots

that, being British, we had to make light of it.

We had to make something funny out of it. Some of the most hilarious things I heard about were the looters.

Someone running out of a Pound shop.

That has got to be the most rubbish loot ever.

A £1 multi-pack bag of crisps.

Running into a footwear shop and running out with six pairs of shoes

and being like, "Yeah!" But then they were all the left foot.

Some were tweeting on Twitter about what they were doing!

It taught us how stupid some people in London are.

If you're going to go and get something and get away with it,

and there's a chance you're gonna get caught, don't come and loot basmati rice. It doesn't make sense.

Did you see how pleased that kid was with it? He was trying to make it look really gangster.

That big bag of basmati

and him throwing, I think, the finger guns at it.

There is nothing gangster about basmati rice.

Pilau yes, we all know that(!) Safe. Down with that.

This will carry on for days, innit?

The many theories suggested as to the cause of this mid-summer madness

included over-long school holidays, rap music and violent video games.

Some scientists even claimed it was all down to geo-magnetic storms

hitting the Earth and affecting human behaviour.

We saw you and your friends smash in the windows of Dixons and you took a plasma.

"Yeah, but, that's because the planet got hit by a meteor, innit?"

That made me, like, t'ief a Samsung LED.

That's like going to court and saying,

"I'm sorry but Mystic Meg said that I must riot today,

"because I'm a Virgo

"and it says that the solar flares will cause me to smash in the window of a sports store".

Annoyed all the politicians were away topping up their tans,

the traumatised public took to Twitter to rally an army of their own.

I love the Twitter Clean Up Britain campaign.

I think it was really good

and I'm glad that that we had to come together by ourselves,

because we have the knowledge and strength, as Britonians, to come together

and sort out the mess the Government should sort out.

I think it's important to restore people's faith in mankind, basically.

It's beautiful to see that people actually do care.

When Boris finally did arrive, there were questions to be answered.

-CROWD: Where's your broom? Where's your broom?

-I just want to say thank you

to everybody who's come out here today to volunteer to help clear up the mess.

Thank you. You are the true spirit of this city.

THEY CHEER

So there you go. 2011's most annoying people taken to task.

-Thank you. It was a lot of fun.

-Brilliant. Thank you so much.

No doubt, next year will throw up some new additions to the most annoying hall of infamy.

All right. I'm done.

Girls Aloud are dusting off the cobwebs for their tenth anniversary tour.

England's underperforming footballers are off to the European Championship.

Then, of course, we have the Olympics to look forward to.

Here's to an annoying 2012.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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