Episode 2 Most Annoying People

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Hello, everybody.

'Welcome to tonight's collection of the most annoying people of 2011.'

Hi, are you all right?

We're going to have a good time whatever happens.

'A year where celebrities have let their maddening moments

hit epic new heights.'

Celebrities are always annoying people.

THEY SCREAM

'Over the past 12 months, we've been drawing up a hit list

'of the most annoying people from around the globe.'

This beautiful flower for you.

The guy is lucky Madonna didn't

take that hydrangea and slap him across the face.

-'Pop stars.'

-You're trying too hard. It's not nice.

-'Politicians.'

-I'll never forgive him.

I'm not returning his calls at all.

'Phone hackers.'

Tonight's staff have been putting the finishing touches

to the last edition of the News Of The World because of the phone-hacking allegations.

'All the ones that have done their best to

rattle our cages and trouble our Twitter.'

What do you think of all this?

It's nothing less than huge.

'We've got superstar meltdowns.'

All he could talk about was hookers, drugs, money. He's really lost.

'Super injunctions.'

How about you don't do shit?

How about you just behave?

'And some super enhanced bodies.'

I can walk around with a T-shirt that says,

"Call my agent." I'm annoying.

'2011 has also been the year of the unexpected.

'Looters and rioters shattered our big cities.'

This is going to carry on for days.

'This was the year a famous fashionista fell from grace.'

I'm a God, anti-semitism is so hot right now.

'But no-one could have predicted that

'a bridesmaid's derriere would steal the limelight from a Royal bride.'

Pippa's bum just took over the nation.

'So sit back and vent with vehemence...as we continue

'our trip through the most annoying people of 2011.'

At 24, it's our very own Search for a Star.

We're on the lookout for someone with the annoying factor.

Could this man have what it takes?

We're going to have a good time whatever happens. I hope.

'Well, after the sort of year he had in 2011 it's going to be 1,000 % yes, from us.'

This is a man who has £200,000,000 in the bank

and yet he still cuts his hair with a strimmer.

He is not to be trusted.

Can you have any likeability when your career

is pretty much to break people's dreams?

There was a headline in the New York Post -

"Even God hates Simon Cowell."

Simon Cowell got his year off to an annoying start

when he announced that he was turning his back on

the X Factor here in the UK.

Apparently, launching the US version of the show was more important.

Thanks for nothing, Simon.

His biggest fanbase! He's BELOVED in the UK. He left. He left.

Not only did Cowell quit his place on the UK judging panel,

he also added insult to injury by taking our favourite

X Factor judge, Cheryl Cole, with him.

I just think there's going to be some really great talent here

and I'm excited to get my teeth into it.

Poor Cheryl barely had time to have her first nibble

before Cowell decided she was the one lacking bite

and unceremoniously dumped her from her new job.

Cheryl Cole from South Shields, love her.

She's the best person in the world,

and I hated the way he treated Cheryl Cole.

For anyone annoyed by his treatment of Chezza,

the good news was that karma came back and bit Simon on the backside.

Both versions of the X Factor recorded poor ratings this year.

It's a good job he had other shows like Red Or Black to fall back on(!)

Simon Cowell's probably had his worst year in the last ten years,

and Red Or Black was certainly the lowest point.

When you see just people going,

"Mmm, heads, tails, red, black, whatever..." We don't care.

Simon's not that bothered any more.

"I'm so busy making so much money

"that I've got to come up with another TV show.

"Let's do heads or tails, but we can't just do that.

"Let's call it Red Or Black. Job done.

"Right, I'm off to LA. See you in a bit."

Genuinely couldn't care. No interest.

Not only did Red Or Black struggle to get viewers excited,

it also managed to annoy us

when it turned out its first £1 million winner, Nathan Hageman,

had a bit of a dodgy background.

The fact that the first winner of Red Or Black was

this guy that's been in jail for beating up women,

it's just an incredible oversight.

It just reflects really badly on Simon Cowell.

Unfortunately, what happened was the guy who won it

was kind of a convicted wife-beater.

So perhaps they should have called it Black And Blue in homage to him.

Though his star might have been on the wane this year,

recent estimates put Cowell's fortune at £200 million.

It's a good job he's still got a bob or two,

as this was the year he revealed he's made post-break-up payments

to past girlfriends like Sinitta and Terri Seymour.

So why would he do that, then?

It emerged that he pays almost alimony payments

to all his ex-girlfriends, but those girls certainly know about

the skeletons in the cupboard,

and he definitely wants to keep them on good terms.

With rumours about one-off payments

for his exes of anything up to 10 million,

maybe the annoying thing is that he hasn't tried to get off with any of the rest of us.

If someone could organise for me to go out with Simon Cowell,

that would set me up. I can't afford to get my car wing mirror fixed.

Maybe he'd pay for that. I dunno. Pick me, Simon!

I'll be your girlfriend!

Popping one out at 23, it's Brand Beckham. Getting even bigger.

# Oh, na, na What's my name? #

The Beckhams always score high in the most annoying list,

and this year is no exception

with the arrival of their latest edition, Harper Seven.

The new baby in the family, the second person in the family

that runs around crying with a high-pitched scream.

After David, of course.

It's different having a little girl.

She's elegant. She sleeps in an elegant position.

-Yeah?

-Yeah. She's the cutest thing.

It was just an odd name.

You know, after Brooklyn and Romeo and Cruz,

you thought, "Where can they go now?"

The Beckhams have become very creative.

Make love in Brooklyn - Brooklyn.

Make love in Spain - Cruz.

Make love in Rome - Romeo.

Harper Seven must have been the time it was conceived.

"What time was it?" "Ah, about 7.30."

"That's the name of the baby. Thanks, Victoria."

"Thanks, David."

# Say my name, say my name. #

So where did the curious name come from?

He's named his daughter after his football shirt.

That's amazing.

The whole idea that Seven was born on the seventh hour

of the seventh day and so it's kind of meaningful

and significant is frankly tosh, isn't it?

Or maybe it was more a case of selective timing

by "too posh to push" Victoria.

That said, I do have an uncle called Monday who was born on a Monday.

So what you going to do?

What's wrong with Emily? I quite like Emily. Susan.

Their kids will get the piss taken out of them

at school, and I feel sorry for them.

What I find most annoying about Victoria is that

she never puts the baby down.

She carries around this little girl like an accessory, a handbag.

I think she does it because she doesn't want to obscure

the photographers' view of her shoes.

# She's in fashion. #

Working mum Posh managed to produce both a new baby

and fashion line this year.

But she's yet to give birth to a smile.

Will nothing make that woman happy?

She's never been a smiler.

She's never been someone that you warm to

and yet we're told that she's a very jokey personality

behind closed doors. I would love to see that,

to see how funny she is.

Instead, we saw her at the Royal Wedding

looking really miserable, really unhappy.

Any rapper will tell you that you never smile in photos,

and that's what I think it is.

She secretly still harbours a bit of a hip-hop career.

I think that it's just simply a case of anybody points

a camera at her, she does a...

I wish she'd smile occasionally. That's the only thing.

Just please give Mr Paparazzi a little teensy-weensy smile.

A new entry at 22. It's a maddening Manchester City striker.

No, not that one, although fans were certainly riled by allegations

from Manager Mancini that Carlos Tevez had refused

to get his backside off the subs bench for City versus Bayern Munich.

But for sheer volume of annoyance, he can't compete

with Mohican-sporting Italian team-mate Mario Balotelli.

He's like, "You know what? I know you've got media lessons,

"but I can't be bothered with that. Forget it, I can take care of it."

I'm not sure if you can, Mario.

Super Mario inspired City to their first trophy in 35 years

as they beat Stoke to win the FA Cup.

His performances have lit up this season's Premier League,

but it was off the pitch fireworks that hit the headlines

when a prank at his mansion went horribly wrong.

Mario Balotelli's behaviour with the fireworks,

we have to take a dim view of that,

because it's dangerous and it's wasting public money,

but I pissed myself when I saw that story.

What do you expect? How old is he? 19, 20?

You go and stick him in a big house and say, "Bring your mates over."

They're hardly going to sit down and watch Midsomer Murders on DVD.

"Outside, it's just too far.

"It's just too far to go outside.

"Let's go to the bathroom and do our fireworks there."

But it's always the little extra thought

just seems to be lacking with Mario.

And it's not the first time the barking-mad Balotelli

has caused Mancini sleepless nights, with a charge sheet

as long as a WAG's shopping list from Harvey Nicks.

# I wake up Every day is a daydream. #

In fact, Mario is so bonkers, he's even managed to rack up

an incredible scoring record when it comes to parking fines.

Everything is lost in translation. For him, parking fines,

that might be a level of achievement.

The guy's never received any form of certificate.

Every time he receives one,

put on his car, like... "Mucho bella!

"A certificato! A certificato!"

When he got caught by the police in his car with £5,000 cash

and they asked him, "Why do you have £5,000?"

He says, "Cos I'm rich."

£5 to me is £5. Five grand to Mario is £5.

So Mario is going to turn up at the shop and go,

"Eh hey, I want those Hubba Bubbas.

"Give me the Hubba Bubbas. Here's ten grand. Arrivederci."

That's Mario. He's a confused guy.

# Some people think I'm bonkers but I just think I'm free. #

From City's most annoying player to their two most annoying fans.

# Today is going to be the day

# That they're going to throw it back to you. #

Oasis - anyone remember them?

2011 was another year Noel and Liam annoyed us by yet again

continuing to argue about the demise of their former band.

They were one of the greatest bands of all time.

They filled out stadiums. People flocked to see them.

Now they just gripe and moan at each other constantly.

He doesn't like me, you know, but he doesn't like me in a violent way.

I don't get on with him. There's no point being in a band with people you fight with.

But the sibling rivalry has always been there, but it's just

really manifested itself into something else, a ball of fury now.

Oasis might have split in 2009, but this year's

our kid and our kid's usual bickering

threatened to turn into a legal battle.

The complete and utter breakdown in the Gallaghers' relationship

was on full display this year

when Liam decided he was going to sue Noel

for claiming that he had missed an Oasis gig for being hungover.

Liam brought in the lawyers after Noel said

the singer had been less than truthful about why he missed

the band's V Festival gig back in 2009.

Noel said he didn't really have laryngitis,

and Liam said, "Hold on, mate, I've got the doctor's note.

"I'm going to sue the arse off you."

How extreme is that? To potentially sue your brother

over some throwaway comments.

You just want to get these two in a room, sit them down,

shake them both and say, "Sort this out."

But getting these two in a room might not be such a good idea

if the account Noel gave this year of their break-up is anything to go by.

And for whatever reason, he went to his dressing room

and he came back with a guitar, wielding it like an axe.

It's a real unnecessary violent act, and he's swinging this guitar around

and he kind of, you know, he nearly took my face off with it, you know.

# You didn't know what to say. #

Liam didn't seem too impressed with Noel spilling the beans

and took to Twitter to offer his own verdict on his brother's big mouth.

Liam tweeted the word "shitbag" in reference to Noel.

They could just text each other and say,

"Mate, I think you're being a bit of a cock."

To see Liam reduced to twittering slightly abusive words

towards his brother, it's like,

"Gee, I thought they were a little bit more rock 'n' roll than that."

They're old men who keep moaning. "My brother's a dickhead."

"Yeah, my brother's a dickhead as well."

Just get on with making the music. Don't argue.

Lest we forget, these days

Liam is best known for having his own clothing label,

though judging by his style, it may be best avoided.

But he isn't the only celebrity out there with a dodgy taste in threads.

We present to you this year's top three frocky horrors.

At 3, no, it's not that woman from Dragon's Den. It's Jessie J.

Jessie J's got an alternative look going on.

I remember her wearing that body-tight get-up

and her hair kind of matched and she's got a great figure,

but I'm just not going for the tight look, to be honest.

It was like a pair of tights

wrapped around her body.

At 2, it's hip-hop superstar Nicki Minaj,

a lady who clearly gets dressed in the dark whilst wearing a blindfold.

She's like Lady Gaga times Lady Gaga.

There's a fine line between being a trendsetter

and being a crazy B-I-T-C-H.

Taking the top spot is Princess Beatrice

for daring to wear the hat from hell at the Royal Wedding back in April.

I defy anyone to show me a worse-dressed celebrity

than Princess Beatrice at the wedding.

That hat was disgusting!

Princess Beatrice genuinely wore

that big antler on the front of her face to a wedding.

Oh, bless her. She just made a mistake, didn't she?

Back to business. At number 20, we have a very naughty boy.

# We don't need no education. #

2011 has seen students continue to demonstrate about universities

being given the right to charge £9,000 a year in tuition fees.

For some of them, though, their protests went a little bit too far.

'Few students could afford to come to court in a chauffeur-driven van,

'but not every student has a multi-millionaire rock musician for a dad.'

July saw Charlie Gilmour, the son of Pink Floyd guitarist Dave Gilmour,

jailed for violent disorder following his actions

at a student fees demonstration in London back in winter 2010.

In a day of bad behaviour by the 19-year-old, it was this incident

at the National Cenotaph that really annoyed the nation.

The judge saved his most scathing criticism for Gilmour's

behaviour here, telling him, "You have shown disrespect

"for the ultimate sacrifice of those that fell defending this country."

Charlie Gilmour's behaviour wasn't just annoying, was it, really?

I mean, it was completely and utterly disgusting.

No-one thought that swinging off the Cenotaph was acceptable.

Swinging from a union flag was just one of Charlie Gilmour's

ill-advised moments on a day that up to 40,000 students

took to the streets of London.

Oh, eh,

toffs and their pranks, eh?

There's nothing worse than rock stars' kids.

Yes, they may flatter thee,

but thou shalt feel a hollow agony!

Gilmour's son comes out of the woodwork.

"Ooh, there's a riot! I'm going to hang off of a statue,

"get on everyone's tits," you know what I mean?

Don't swing off memorials, especially for the war dead.

It's not a good look and people are going to hate you, and rightly so.

Gilmour also attacked Prince Charles's car

and smashed the window of Topshop,

but what seemed to annoy many about Charlie's part in the protest

is the fact that money isn't an issue

when you're the son of a rich rock star.

I think some people are definitely going to be annoyed by the fact

that Charlie Gilmour was protesting about the increase in student fees

while at the same time he obviously had a multi-millionaire dad.

The way that he protested almost felt like

he was just doing it for the fun of it.

The other annoying thing about Charlie's brush with the law

was blaming his rampage on the LSD, valium and whisky he'd consumed

during the hours before he ran amok.

"I'm so sorry I did that, but in my defence,

"I was taking illegal drugs."

"Oh, fine. Well, off you go, then! No problem."

He thinks he can get away with that. The arrogance!

Thou hast sown a sorrow and must reap...

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

If you are going to protest, a little tip is don't take acid,

because if you take acid, you can't even put your trousers on

-the right way round.

-The message is somewhat lost.

So how are you going to inform the masses

when you're tripping your nuts off?

Grow up, go to university, get an education, stop taking acid.

Just in, at number 19, it's the Bieber.

FANS CHANT: Justin! Justin! Justin!

THEY SCREAM WITH WILD ABANDON

He may have got all grown up this year, got his hair cut

and possibly even had sex.

But it didn't stop Justin Bieber or his fans, the Beliebers,

from being any less annoying.

I think what's annoying about Bieber is just

he's so young and so successful

which, to most people who have worked their nuts off, is irritating.

# I'm 12, can I have another mansion, please? #

It IS quite annoying.

# Baby, baby, baby, no. #

Last year he was at the top of the album charts.

This year, he's at the top of the richest teen list

by raking in a reported 53 million.

But in 2011, Brand Bieber was less about music

and more about merchandise. Instead of a new album,

Justin's first release of the year was his film Never Say Never.

# I will never say never. #

Never Say Never was in 3D,

which was incredibly annoying

because he's coming at you and you can almost strangle him.

You can almost punch him in the face.

And whilst new tracks continue to go missing,

a little romance with fellow teen star Selena Gomez

kept his fans in a frenzy.

I can't imagine him having a girlfriend,

doing anything other than sharing some Haribo.

If I was a teenager, I'd be really upset

and I would cry all the time that they're constantly kissing

and they have to keep displaying love for each other

everywhere they go.

By August, there was still no new music,

but he did produce a multitude of products.

Including a fragrance for the ladies.

Oh, my God. Is it for girls?

Justin Bieber, aged 17,

putting out perfume for girls.

Meaning, "Justin Bieber knows what I want on my body."

What does a 17-year-old boy know about perfume for women?

I'd advise you not to use that, ladies.

I hope he is at least taking some of his own sweat or some DNA

so that we can actually buy something

so ridiculous as Someday, guaranteed to stimulate and amuse.

Unlike Justin Bieber's music.

# I will never say never. #

By November surely we'd get some new music,

some killer pop track to mark his territory

as the new Justin Timberlake,

or would he just cash in some more with a Christmas album?

# It's the most beautiful time of the year

# Lights fill the streets spreading sp much cheer. #

If he carries on like this, one way or another

Justin Bieber will be opening a supermarket near you.

Only, don't be surprised if he owns it.

We do that in Canada.

Every couple of years, we churn out a new annoying personality,

mostly through music.

There's a rock 'n' roll explosion in Britain.

Well, we've got to offset that with some Avril Lavigne.

What's this? Folk music taking off? Give 'em Celine Dion.

We pump 'em out every couple of years.

Justin Bieber is our latest one.

You're welcome, world! You are welcome.

Cashing in at 18, we're keeping up with Kim Kardashian.

# If I was a rich girl Na, na, na, na, na... #

Reality TV royalty, the Kardashians are not shy

when it comes to cashing in on their brand...

..with endorsements galore coming out of their ears.

The greed that oozes out of the Kardashian clan

is the most annoying thing about them.

How many hundreds of millions do you need before you say "I'm done"?

Pushy mum Kris, the money-spinner behind daughters

Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie,

has unashamedly created a marketing monster out of her family.

Kris Jenner, who is the mum in the family, has been able

to market the Kardashian brand so extremely well,

she is an absolute genius at that,

and make a lot of money for that family.

But this year, it's sister Kim who cashed in the biggest prize.

She has to sell.

She doesn't have a talent. She can't sing, she can't dance,

she's too chubby to be a model. She has to sell.

I don't really know who she is. I see her plenty.

She's this wee girl, kind of cute, big bottom.

What's she done? What's she famous for? I don't get it.

# Everybody's got a price I wonder how they sleep at night. #

August 2011 saw Kim get hitched

to basketball man-mountain Kris Humphries

in a multi-million dollar TV wedding,

and after selling the rights to the highest bidders,

it didn't cost the happy couple a dime.

Kim Kardashian seemed to take the freebie wedding

to a whole new level.

When you have almost created a wedding for television,

you do have to wonder how genuine the relationship actually is.

# It's not about the money, money, money. #

Most people break the bank, you know, to pay for a wedding here,

and she made, what, 14 million, 16 million?

Any time you make money from your own wedding,

it kind of takes away from the romance.

It just doesn't lead me to believe that this is going to work out.

And just 72 days later, it was all over...

..having made a reported 18 million from magazine deals,

TV coverage and endorsements. That's a cool 250,000 a day!

Nice work if you can get it, Kim.

72 days she held it together for. Then it all fell apart.

Making a mockery of a great institution, the marriage.

People talk about showmances, about celebrity weddings,

lacking integrity. We all knew it was going

to end up in court one day,

whether the basketball court or a court of law.

It's turned out to be the latter. Kim Kardashian does it again.

It's not just weddings that celebs have been trying to flog us this year.

This is our countdown of those stars desperate to get their hands

on our hard earned by cashing in on their 15 minutes of fame.

Number three - how about modelling your look on Robbie Williams' granddad?

HE MAKES MONKEY NOISES

# I hope I'm old... #

Robbie Williams is really embracing getting older.

It doesn't surprise me he's brought out a range of granddad coats

he thinks is quite cool, but, actually, if you weren't Robbie Williams wearing it,

you do just look like a bit of a granddad.

Next on nobody's Christmas list, the range of merchandise

available from the boys and girls from The Only Way Is Essex.

The idea of anybody wanting to look like that

is just quite absurd, isn't it?

That whole kind of really thick fake tan,

the huge amount of make-up, big, spidery eyelashes,

and hair that's got more extensions in than I've ever seen before,

and yet people are buying into this

and the vajazzling kits that they want to sell.

I've seen them everywhere. Who does this stuff, who buys it?

It's been a while since they topped any charts, but our number one

annoying celebrity product for 2011 is AC/DC's wine.

Of all the drinks you would associate with AC/DC -

not the wine, not a merlot.

Can't imagine Angus going crazy in the head-banging days thinking,

"Oh, what a gig we've had, let's go out and get a gentle rioja".

Next on our list, it's everyone's favourite annoying popstar.

2011 was business as usual for Lady Gaga.

It's the third year running that she's annoyed us.

Maybe it's time to get some new ideas.

Hello, everybody.

Lady Gaga just needs to go away. It's boring now. We get it.

I think the thing with Lady Gaga is it's kind of overkill.

You're trying too hard, it's not nice.

Another vintage year for the first lady of annoying behaviour

began back in January.

Her Grammy outfit in 2010 was the infamous meat dress.

This year, she arrived being carried in a giant egg.

She claimed to have been in the egg for three hours

getting herself in character, ready for the show,

which kind of sounds a bit ridiculous.

What character was she trying to get into, a chick?

# This time I'm not leaving without you... #

But the Grammys weren't the only awards this year where Gaga had us gagging.

Most annoying for me this year with Lady Gaga was when she turned up

to the MTV Awards as her male alter ego, I think it was Jo Calderone.

She looked like Shane MacGowan from The Pogues on acid

and that she needed a really good wash.

So poor Britney Spears must have been terrified

when Gaga tried to snog her.

You're like, "Gaga, that's already been done.

"Madonna, the person you copy every day, has already snogged Britney."

# My momma told me when I was young... #

Snogging Britney wasn't the only time Gaga was accused

of taking her love of Madonna a bit too far this year.

Her single Born This Way also sounded a touch familiar.

It was a cover of Express Yourself!

I'm amazed Madonna's lawyers haven't been on the phone

and suing the arse off her.

The Born This Way/Express Yourself phenomenon, where you play

both of the songs at the same time and sounds exactly like it...

# I'm beautiful in my way Cos God makes no mistakes

# I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way... #

# Don't go for second best, baby, put your love... #

It's true, it's all true.

-But is it an homage?

-No.

-Is it inspiration?

-No.

Or is it like when I go to the mall and steal something?

That's like when you go to the mall and steal something.

When Gaga was asked about the controversy,

she said she wouldn't be moronic enough to rip off another artist,

but it wasn't just the music that annoyed.

The song's message of tolerance also grated for some of Gaga's fiercest fans.

She was expecting it to turn into this really gay anthem and,

unfortunately, they saw it as very much pandering to them

and they felt it was maybe a little bit desperate on her part.

Lady Gaga releases this album for the gays

and then we say she's pandering - like, how can you please us?

Well, Madonna knows how.

And speaking of Madonna,

what does she make of Gaga's apparent obsession with her?

Well, they do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Madonna, privately, I'm told, refers to her as Lady Gag.

She feels that Gaga is almost strategically ripping her off

and recently Madonna said it -

"You know, I haven't figured out if it's a compliment or not,"

which, in Hollywood speak, is, "I can't stand the bitch".

Up next, the Bourne Ultimatum.

When bride-to-be Heidi Withers

set off for a peaceful weekend away in Devon with her prospective parents-in-law,

little did she know what she was letting herself in for.

Gardening guru Carolyn Bourne, step-mum of fiance Freddie,

objected so strongly to the way she felt Heidi had behaved on the visit

that she sent her an email attacking her manners.

It seems the email Mrs Bourne sent from here

to her daughter-in-law-to-be was meant to be private.

But somehow it was forwarded on to other people,

who then sent it on to more people, and then it went viral.

When I read it I was so shocked

at how somebody can be that blunt.

If my mum ever wrote my boyfriend like that,

I would cold slap that bitch.

She sounds like Mrs Bucket on steroids,

that's what I gleaned from that email.

By her failure to keep up required appearances,

newspapers readers around the world learned that Carolyn

considered Heidi an ideal candidate for Ladette to Lady

and suggested that she found herself a good finishing school.

-ARCHIVE:

-Finishing school gives you that touch of savoire fair.

Down...and up.

So what was it that got the haughty horticulturalist so upset?

Apparently she ate her dinner before everyone else.

I mean, I do - you know, I mean, sometimes I don't even say grace.

The gardening gloves were off as her mumzilla's manners guide continued.

We get up at 3am. Now see you in the morning.

This demon of decorum had more advice.

I think you should lead by example,

you know,

she could have handwritten her email, couldn't she?

And sent it in a little notelet card with a picture of some ducks

on the front or something and it would have been rather lovely.

Carolyn really couldn't contain herself, though,

when it came to Freddie and Heidi's plans

to hold their reception at Berkeley Castle in Gloucestershire.

You can imagine her sitting there with her handbag going, "Mmm".

In fact, as she's writing this, I like to imagine that she's dressed

like Maggie Smith from Downton Abbey with the same sour look on her face.

-# ..Is for a little respect

-Just a little bit... #

It's quite nice to know that your family are not the only family

that are absolutely mental.

It's nice for people to look on and be like, "Oh, yeah, OK,

"my boyfriend's mum's a bit of a cow,

"but at least she didn't send this email to me."

I think her best punishment is I wish Heidi and Freddie a long and happy marriage.

Unsurprisingly, Carolyn and her husband were not seen at the wedding this November.

But, then again, nor was Heidi.

Up next, not one, but two annoying things in 2011.

Kate Moss began the year by setting the catwalk alight

with a smoking appearance.

There is no question that smoking is vulgar, particularly on a catwalk.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure how long Kate can go

between one cigarette and the next.

Here she is, for whatever reason, an icon of our times.

She absolutely knows that.

Why she felt the need to force that on to the catwalk

when she knew the way that that would appear to teenagers as,

"Well, it's cool, cos Kate Moss does it,"

and I know that's a really boring and old argument,

but, the fact of the matter is, it is true.

But smoking wasn't the only annoying thing that Kate did this year.

In July she married hubby Jamie Hince with a guest list

of A-list movers and shakers intent on causing chaos in the Cotswolds.

It was a very eclectic group, including two celebrity racists -

Brown and Galliano were there.

If you're going to invite Galliano and James Brown to your wedding,

you probably should cross off Samuel L Jackson,

and Woody Allen as well.

I think the priest would have probably been trying to get

through the ceremony as quick as possible.

"I now pronounce you man and wife, off you go".

The residents of Little Faringdon were absolutely furious

with Kate Moss for basically shutting down the village

so she could stage her own mini festival.

Three days for a wedding.

Most weddings I know you get to the evening, a couple of drinks,

a fight, then we go home.

Three days!

She made it completely clear that this was a private event.

However, she expected all the residents nearby to put up

with receiving absolutely no access to their village.

How they meant to get to the local pub?

How's the mobile library meant to go around while she's there lording it up?

The police spent thousands and thousands of pounds

and it was completely and utterly unacceptable.

Kate Moss is used to having police visit her. This time they were on her side.

Well, through the village there's been lots of vehicles,

blacked out windows, containing, well...

-CHEERING

-..we know not who.

Shutting down a whole village does not make you the lady of the manor.

Maybe she was doing it to be different.

Maybe she was doing it to be a little shocking,

but it was so annoying.

Now for a fallen fashionista.

Eccentric enfant terrible John Galliano

has been causing waves on the catwalk for years.

# Fashion, turn to the left Fashion, turn to the right... #

But 2011 saw the oddball outfitter go completely off the rails,

as admiration turned to outrage.

On Thursday evening, John Galliano was arrested at this bar

for the suspected verbal abuse of a female customer.

He vehemently denies the use of anti-semitic language.

No, but I love Hitler and people like you would be dead today.

WOMAN LAUGHS

-Your mother's... Your forefathers would be

-BLEEP

-dead.

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

But when it emerged that Galliano

had been responsible for two more racist rants at the same bar,

employers Christian Dior sacked the disgraced designer.

John Galliano was really the go-to guy in fashion.

This is a man who had people like Kate Moss, Natalie Portman,

Madonna on his speed dial.

You couldn't think of a name in fashion any more prestigious

or famous than he.

People in the fashion industry are always a bit odd and a bit

quirky but quirkiness does not make racist outbursts acceptable.

Here's a man who is part of a group of people who have been

stereotyped in the past - he's a gay man and proud of it -

but it makes it even more unpalatable that he's pointing at a minority

and showing how racist he was.

I'd love for John to go back in time to Hitler where Hitler was

throwing all these parties for gay people

and showing how much he appreciated them.

Oh, no, he wasn't, he was putting them in ovens as well.

Galliano faced trial in a Paris court with his defence team

denying he was racist and blaming his outbursts on alcohol

and prescription drugs.

# Now the drugs don't work They just make you worse... #

"I'm having trouble sleeping cos I'm working in Australia, doctor."

"I recommend some Zopiclone sleeping tablets."

"Any side effects?"

"Yes, you will shout, "Jew, Jew, dirty Jew," every time you wake up."

"I might just stick to the Nytol."

The court found him guilty,

but his friends continued to offer a shoulder pad to cry on

and carried on wearing his creations regardless.

People like Kate Moss stood behind him despite what happened.

He did lose his job, but I don't quite know

if he lost the entire respect of the fashion industry,

and I think that was something that annoyed me.

Causing yet another scene at 13 is a celebrity racking up

a fifth appearance on the most annoying list.

# Baby, you're a firework... #

Hold on to your valuables - it's Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay's attention-seeking antics have been virtually unstoppable

this year, and back in February she added something new

to her long list of bad girl behaviour...

jewellery thief!

This is someone who could potentially make millions

and millions and millions of pounds if she wanted to,

and the fact that she just wants to nick things is just appalling.

-When regular people take things, it's called stealing.

-Yes.

When a celebrity steals something, it's called loaning and borrowing.

Or gifting!

It's tough in Hollywood. People don't get this.

They don't realise how hard film stars have it and you know what?

Sometimes you just need a little bit of extra jewellery,

and if people aren't just going to give it to you,

what are you supposed to do? Pay for it yourself?!

Charged with theft and probation violations,

the judge sentenced her to 120 days' house arrest,

but rapper Pitbull sentenced her to life

in his international hit song Give Me Everything.

RAPS: And I got her locked up like Lindsay Lohan.

This girl's actually sueing the rapper Pitbull

because he mentions her in his music video.

HE RAPS: And I got her locked up like Lindsay Lohan.

Well, she WAS locked up. It's a fact - rappers can rap about whatever they want,

but they can particularly rap about something that actually happened.

I think the girl should be so lucky to have any mention at all

in the world right now.

What is she doing for society besides serving as an example

of what not to be when you grow up?

Reformed after having to serve just 35 days on the sofa,

Lindsay obviously said no to pricy haircuts but yes

to spending 80,000 on a new Porsche.

At the same time, Lilo was being chased for a hefty unpaid

limousine bill of 100,000.

I think she doesn't pay it because she's addicted to drama

and so she wants the limousine guy banging down her door

so that that's another video that can be uploaded to TMZ.

If you can't afford a limousine, then do not rack up

a bill for a limousine. It's pretty simple, Lindsay.

Struggling with her life and her make-up, Lohan was back in court

in November for yet again failing to complete her community service,

and was rather appropriately sentenced to working in the local morgue.

I think the most annoying thing about Lindsay is

no matter how many chances she's had to succeed, she blows it.

-JUDGE: Miss Lohan?

-I'm sorry.

Given the opportunities she's had, the money she's had,

the people around her who've tried to help her,

not even one time has she taken responsibility for what she's done.

I find her probably the most annoying person in the world.

# It's a hard-knock life! #

Slipping down the list and slipping up this year,

Katie Price has had an even more annoying 2011,

but the problem is she just won't go away.

She's an animal, that one, she really is.

The poor guy, she's just like this big python waiting

to, like, get him and digest him.

Oh, I haven't got a particular type.

Poor Peter Andre.

You know, I'm in no rush to get married.

Poor Alex.

Why do I want to talk about exes?

She dumps her latest, Leandro,

by translator, who says to him, "You're not giving her enough sex".

That's not a nice person.

She'll get halfway through something and go,

"Oh, that's not working," and walk away.

That's fine if it's a book or a TV show. When it's a person...

Ohhhh.

And what gets me the most -

she hits them where it hurts and blasts them

all over the media

saying that they couldn't keep up with her in bed.

A dog with two dicks couldn't keep up with you in bed, pet.

Ever since her split from Peter Andre,

Katie may have lost the support of the general public,

but continues to make millions from her ample assets.

And, touch wood, everything I do does work.

So what does a girl who's already bared it all do for a bit more exposure?

Launch her own magazine of course, about her favourite subject.

Herself.

# You're so vain... #

Such a girly-girly magazine, it's all fun, uplifting.

I was just so pleased with it, they've done such a good job as well.

Katie Price has got a magazine. Doesn't mean anyone will read it.

It's got, like, problem pages,

it's got my views on people on the red carpet.

Not about the individual person, just about their outfit.

My favourite nail varnishes, my tattoos,

just bits that people don't know about me.

When Katie Price announced she was bringing out her own magazine,

it was a very dark day at Glamour Magazine,

we were quaking in our boots.

It's got cooking tips, and how to make what I make.

I don't care how Katie Price boils her frozen peas or makes them,

but the walking hypocrisy is that she has made millions

from magazines like OK!, Hello!, posing, telling them everything

and then she even shafts them by bringing out her own magazine.

It's like she can't have a lasting relationship with anyone.

So, having given us her all in her books, her magazines

and her boyfriends, finally, Katie Price has gone in search of herself.

Well, actually, someone she can turn INTO herself in her new TV

quest to find the next Katie Price.

They came, they queued

and stay tuned for the new cut price Katie Price!

Next up, it's Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer.

BOTH: Yo, yo, yo, what's up?

-I'm John.

-I'm Edward. BOTH: And together we are Jedward!

Yo, VIP. Let's kick it!

# Pressure! #

The very existence of Jedward is annoying.

They've got half a brain each and neither of those halves is working.

The thing we love about hotel rooms is no matter how dirty you make it,

you don't have to clean it up as you get the hotel cleaners

-to come in and clean your room.

-And they are like, "Waa-a-ah!".

They're so pale, they're like veal cutlets that haven't been out into the sun.

First of all, we should apologise to music lovers everywhere.

When we met Jedward last year, we planted a dangerous thought

in their otherwise empty heads.

Fortunately, the UK had other plans,

but Ireland, for what happened next, we are truly sorry.

We are Jedward!

And we're twins, OK, and we're so excited about making the final.

It nearly caused me to have a seizure.

They were moving around so fast mumbling these strange words.

It was like they were having a fit themselves.

They were the most annoying thing on the entire Eurovision,

which is saying a hell of a lot.

The boys finished in a fairly respectable eighth place

but their annoying year was only just getting started.

BOTH: Aaaagh!

Party!

# My bad behaviour My bad behaviour

# Told you I was trouble with my bad behaviour... #

Jedward's next move in 2011 was an impressive display

of just how irritating they really can be.

# Now tell me if I'm bad... #

Placed in a Big Brother house crammed full of annoying celebrities,

they had no problem putting their rivals in the shade.

They were incredibly annoying.

It was like two six-year-old children.

In fact, two-year-olds at times.

I think I was pretty close to putting both their heads down the toilet at one stage.

One thing you didn't see is me having them pinned up against a wall

in a strangulation attempt, which was very fun, I might add.

It wasn't life-threatening, but, boy, it could just have been...

# My bad behaviour... #

They were extremely irritating in Big Brother, yet finished third.

Could it be that the really annoying thing about Jedward this year

is that secretly we're all becoming Jedheads?

He's wearing his clothes because he's on TV

and he doesn't want to, like, show off his muscles.

I think secretly inside I'm a bit of a Jedward fan.

I...um...I like how tight their trousers are.

This is the look.

I want to be honest tonight

and make it public that I am the third Jedward.

They are the only decent thing

Louis Walsh has ever done and I think they're brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. Team Jedward.

-Jed to the E to the D to the ward.

-BOTH: Planet Jedward!

Their hits might have dried up,

but their 15 minutes of fame shows no sign of ending.

Rather annoyingly, it seems as though we're stuck with them.

Jedward are not going to change. They're never going to grow up. It is their brand.

Yes, they're annoying to some people,

but, my God, without people like that, we'd have a pretty boring world, wouldn't we?

If the world now got hit by a nuclear bomb,

there'd be two things that existed - cockroaches and Jedward.

And Jedward would outlive the cockroaches.

At ten, MTV's shock reality show from Newcastle.

Serving a bevy of booze, birds and bonking, it's Geordie Shore.

After The Only Way is Essex, I thought, "Where do we go next?"

Newcastle. Let's find some metrosexual guys

and girls with their boobs hanging out. Should be easy enough.

The Geordie Shore cast exist on booze and sex, one-night stands...

We going to get four birds round, wine and dine them,

make them feel good and bang 'em.

I love the fact there was no tact or subtlety to it.

On the first night, there was already sex and a fight.

I think that's the sign of any good night out.

# Oh, watching people get lairy... #

I don't think they have any limits.

I think they're vile, they're disgusting.

This is too much.

I just want to go out, get them pissed, and bang them.

They say things that you would never say. They do things you would never do.

And it's vulgar.

And I love that. I sit there and I'm addicted.

I can sit and watch that programme back-to-back-to-back...

I'll need a shower afterwards.

Viewers and the national press were outraged by the gang's behaviour,

accusing it of taking reality TV to new lows.

My favourite girl in Geordie Shore has got to be Vicky.

I reckon Vicky's going to kick off without a doubt.

Vicky. "Don't push us, Jay."

I'm still raging about them bringing back them lasses

and now he feels the need to mug us off again.

Any girl that spits in her man's face is a girl I want to be rolling with.

I'm a bit embarrassed that I managed

to spit in Jason's face.

But he did piss us off.

You did it first, Jay! You did it first.

'I was working in a call centre.'

I was shite at it.

I was on me last warning, absolutely hated it.

It was an opportunity to do something

that not many people will ever, ever get the chance to experience -

getting paid to get pissed.

Oh, no.

I just loved the mad, swearing, Geordie patter.

As a Scotsman, I could almost understand most of it as well.

Tashing on.

Tashing on.

I've no idea.

Ejaculating on someone's top lip.

Get a tash on - it means to get off with someone and snog them.

Tashing on, I'm going to take full credit for.

It was just necking on, having a kiss.

Mortal.

Um...

Dead? That's dead.

Must mean hammered or pissed or drunk.

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Absolutely mortal, man. It means getting drunk.

Has a girl ever performed a slut drop on me?

That's a first. I've never heard of that term.

What's a slut drop?

Just by hearing that, I know exactly what it is. A slut that has dropped.

-Aw, show a slut drop.

-Slut drop is getting so famous right now.

It's a busy, busy bar on a Saturday night,

and the only way you're going to let that lad across the room know that you're into him

is by...doing a slut drop.

He starts, like, grinding behind on you, like, he's feeling you,

he's enjoying it and then all of a sudden - boom! Slut drop.

That's it, you've pulled.

And then after that, he is all over you like a rash.

I'm honestly not surprised that we're in your top 50 Most Annoying.

At the end of the day, we're a bunch of over-tanned, talentless twats.

At nine, it's the pap with the carefully-crafted pecs,

who can only be described as...

# So macho... #

I've never given a shit what people think.

# So macho... #

Which is just as well.

With a reputation as the most prolific paparazzi in the world,

Darryn Lions made an expose of himself

when he entered the celebrity Big Brother house this year.

I was quite surprised

Darryn Lyons entered Celebrity Big Brother, because it's normally

full of the worst kind of attention-seekers you've ever seen in your life.

Just to look at Darryn, he doesn't want the attention.

He keeps himself to himself.

He dresses normally, he's got a normal haircut. I couldn't understand it at all.

I'm not bothered about being watched 24 hours a day.

I've got nothing to hide. I am who I am. You love me or hate me.

It's one tick off the bucket list that not many people

and not many celebrities on the planet will get to do.

But it was his much talked about bizarre new body that sent Britain bonkers.

I think he's so cute!

He looks like a cute little Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

And the press went to town on Darryn's shiny turtle tummy.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle! I loved it. It was a fantastic headline.

Darryn's washboard stomach is a result of body contour surgery -

a fat-hoovering procedure costing him over ten grand.

What a body. I mean, wow, what a body.

It looks like a child's drawing.

It's really strange.

I don't think there's any man with a body like mine and Darryn's

who watched that and went, "Wow, life-changer."

It's been a life-changing thing and, at the end of the day, I'm proud as punch.

With the amount of girls stopping me in the streets saying, "Show us your abs," it's been a bit of a winner.

'Darryn is working it.'

Not just proud of showing off his body, Darryn also took delight

in revealing he's had more than just a few notches on his bedpost.

'Darryn is regaling the housemates with another tale from his glory days.'

-You had 12 women in bed with you?

-It was a good night.

Wow, I thought there was other guys involved. I'm... 12 in a bed?

It was those crazy days when I was... Well, I was a lot older than you, actually.

Old enough to know better, you man slag.

# Sexy boy... #

I think Darryn Lyons' lady-man ability is all in the mohican.

It's like his mojo, know what I mean? What he does is, like an avatar,

he gets the end of his hair and attaches it to the female's hair

and then they make a love connection and that's how they mate.

I was quite surprised to hear that Darryn Lyons is a bit of a ladies' man -

then I found out it was actually Darryn who'd said that.

So what has Lyons the Lothario given us in 2011?

It's all pink dressing gowns,

crazy hair and chiselled torsos.

And if that's what I've brought to the celebrity world as the most annoying celebrity in 2011,

well, giddy up.

Riding high in our chart this year, and not for her music,

it's the queen mother of pop, Madonna.

Never shy of getting what she wants, when Madonna attempts to

give us more than three minutes of pop, it's always a worry.

Madonna... Eugh.

What more can you say?

Last year, she was playing fashion designer with daughter Lourdes,

but this year, Madonna has been making a movie.

# We're making a movie Isn't it groovy?

# Welcome to my house. #

Wow, that's some pretty smooth rhyming there, Madonna.

Mmm.

Can't wait to get that single.

# Every little thing that you say or do

# I'm hung up I'm hanging up on you... #

I think she should stick to what she knows.

You've been very successful, pet, for a lot of years.

You've reinvented yourself time and time again.

I don't know another 50-year-old bird who looks as good as you in a leotard.

That is an achievement. Why can't she just be proud of that?

Writing and directing W./E. -

a modern biopic about Edward and Mrs Simpson - in London this year,

Madonna had hoped looking rough behind a camera

would give her movie the credibility she so desperately craved.

The whole process has been extremely...um...

I don't know, inspiring, exhausting. I've never worked so hard in my life.

But all that hard work wasn't enough to impress the critics.

So whilst trying to woo the public and the press

into seeing her dodgy directorial debut,

she spectacularly managed to annoy everyone when a nice man offered her a flower.

This flower for you. You're my princess, thank you so much. I love you.

On receiving the floral gift, Madge promptly discarded it

and was overheard telling the person next to her...

How rude!

# I beg your pardon... #

The guy is lucky

Madonna didn't take the hydrangea and slap him across the face.

Don't give me some broken-down 4 flower, give me a bouquet.

-Madonna, where's the flowers?

-Oh, my assistant took them.

'I didn't know she loathed them.'

Maybe that was my mistake

not to read beforehand that she loathed them.

I just don't see it myself.

I mean, what's a hydrangea ever done to anyone?

It's fairly inoffensive. Whatever happened to good old-fashioned manners, Madonna?

As a human, I was upset because I put all my love into the gift

and she put it on the floor and didn't care about it.

She's a big star.

She should be grateful for any attention she receives.

This is a good lesson for Madonna.

I think it was all set up

just to keep people from talking about the terrible, terrible movie.

Of course, W./E. stands for Wallis and Edward,

but I think for most of us it stands for, "Whatever, Madonna."

At number seven, it's Roo-KnowWho.

The really annoying thing about Wayne is that he's a pro-footballer.

He makes shedloads of money.

He is the idol of millions

and he's got no idea about how lucky he is.

It's been yet another 12 months of annoying antics for our Wayne.

Last year, it might have been all about prostitutes and contract disputes,

this year, though, it's a case of...

# Hair we go, hair we go, hair we go. #

Wayne Rooney's hair transplant.

If you've got that much money at your disposal,

I would have gone, "There's a million, find Michael Bolton, do him..."

# Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? #

Put his head on your head. Amazing head of hair.

Timeless as well.

But a hair transplant hardly seems the stuff of a no-nonsense footballer

in his mid-20s, so are we being a bit vain, Rooney?

It's not like he's doing it to pick up women. He's Wayne Rooney.

He'll buy a girl if he wants one.

He'll buy a granny, you know what he's like. It doesn't matter.

Just go to the OAP shop, that's like Toys R Us for him.

Wayne Rooney sold out the bald brothers, but he's got more swagger on the pitch.

He's doing a lot better. It's given him a bit of a spring in his step.

With the new thatch giving Wayne a Samson-like strut,

summer saw him take the missus for a dirty weekend, but being annoying celebrity glampers,

their trip to Glastonbury wasn't the typical festival experience.

He spent ten grand on a campervan. It's only a third

of what he spent on his hair,

so I suppose it's a wise investment for him.

I like the fact he needed security

to take him to the toilet as well. I don't know if that was to protect him

or just that he still needs someone to wipe his backside at his age.

2011 was also the year Wayne took to Twitter.

He soon had over one and a half million followers,

but it didn't take long to discover that not all of them were friendly.

Nice to see home fans booing you(!)

I saw he was having an argument with a Twitter follower that was giving him abuse

and Rooney's attitude to this wasn't to block him

or just to ignore him, it was to offer him "outside after training".

He said that he could put him to sleep within ten seconds.

I would think that a little bit of criticism

for a guy that earns 200 grand...

If I had that in my bank balance, I could probably take it.

Wayne's Twitter tantrum wasn't the only time he lost his rag this year.

He also got sent off playing for England,

meaning he now has a ban for the beginning of Euro 2012.

Wayne's red card was entirely unnecessary.

He's an important player for England, OK,

so he's not just let down himself, he's let down the nation.

We might not qualify without him. How annoying is that?

At number six, it's Britain's most celebrated bottom.

April 29th, 2011. The nation gathered around the television

to see our future king and queen tie the knot.

Up until then, all the talk had been about Kate's dress. Then this happened.

# I see you, baby

# Shaking that ass... #

I was watching the Royal Wedding and there was an audible gasp

when Pippa's rear made its first appearance.

She wore a dress that was clearly designed

to maximise her ass.

And that was our introduction to poor old Pippa Middleton,

who suddenly found she'd become the owner of the most famous and annoying bum of the year.

Pippa's bum just took over the nation.

As soon as she stepped out of that car and shook her booty,

that was it, we were all going crazy.

There was a lot of hype that day.

Everything got blown out of proportion.

If you're a lady and marrying the heir to the throne,

this must be one of your worst nightmares.

Your sister and her arse are the most famous thing of the day.

In fact, such was the instant fame of Pippa and her bum

that by the end of the day,

her royal hotness had many a loyal subject.

As soon as Pippa Middleton stepped out of the Rolls-Royce

at Westminster Abbey, my friends and I were all united in the fact

that, yeah, she was pretty stunning.

Just as a joke, I started a Facebook page with the title

Pippa Middleton Arse Appreciation Society.

Every time I refreshed the page we were getting ten more people,

20 more people, 30 more people.

I think it had about 40,000 likes by the end of the first day,

and it just went crazy.

It wasn't just frisky Facebookers who went potty for Pippa.

After the wedding, newspapers and magazines grabbed hold of her bottom and wouldn't let go.

I really felt sorry for her, because she's getting papped all the time, and she's so not ready for it.

The fact that she can walk out in a dodgy-looking dress and get on the front page

of five national newspapers is over the top to me.

We know more about her bum than we do about her.

It's more of a celebrity entity than the rest of her.

And it's not just the UK that seems to have developed an annoying obsession

with Britain's best-known bum.

P-Middy has also been getting plenty of interest from our friends across the pond.

Americans clearly have a bum fixation.

Now apparently Pippa's, as opposed to Kim Kardashian or J-Lo's,

is the number one most-requested bum in the plastic surgeon's office.

Having seen Pippa, they come in, they want the smaller,

more rounded, tight, fit buttocks,

and it stimulated a lot of interest around the world.

Back on home turf, perhaps all this irritating fuss over Pippa and her bum is finally starting to die down.

Faced with the conundrum of who should win Rear of the Year UK,

voters handed the prize to an old favourite, offering one from the bottom and two from the top.

I can't understand why Carol Vorderman beat Pippa Middleton

to Rear of the Year this year,

because I thought that the campaign we put together was strong enough.

But maybe next year.

As Pippa found out, dressing to show off your best assets

is one way guaranteed of hogging headlines.

But some stars have pushed it a bit too far this year.

This is our countdown of those celebrities who revealed much more of themselves

than they would have liked.

At three in our list is Kelly Rowland,

who was more X certificate than X Factor

as she performed at a club in New Jersey.

At the time it didn't register for people,

but now that she's a household name cos of X Factor,

suddenly it means something to you.

The bra bit just moved up and completely exposed her top half.

I imagine a very embarrassing moment.

Number two, and even more mortifying than Blue's Eurovision entry this year

was singer Antony Costa getting caught short at a cashpoint.

It was horrible what he did but I have a grudging respect

for the multi-tasking that he managed to do.

I have trouble remembering my PIN number.

If I was going to the toilet at the same time, I definitely wouldn't remember.

Unless he's got his PIN number written on top of his knob.

Number one, and House of Commons Speaker John Bercow

certainly didn't relish the exposure his missus got this year.

I think the most annoying thing

about Sally Bercow is the way everyone went on

about that photograph of her

in a bed sheet with the House of Commons out the window.

She didn't even look that fit.

I wasn't looking at her, I was looking out the window.

I didn't really have a problem with it.

Just for the record, would...

Rising high on our list in more ways than one this year is Charlie Sheen.

Hollywood is no stranger to the celebrity meltdown,

but this year Two And A Half Men star Charlie Sheen had one to beat them all.

Charlie Sheen is just a magnified example of the mad person

you meet on the bus you don't sit beside,

except he's a Hollywood star.

Charlie! Charlie! What do you think of all this?

'He is what celebrity is supposed to be.'

It's nothing less than huge.

He's entertaining and he just keeps us watching.

This year, the wild antics of the playboy, and his not one, but two Playgirl goddesses

forced production on his hit sitcom Two And A Half Men to grind to a halt.

With time on his hands, Sheen turned to Twitter to explain himself,

and in just over 24 hours

had over one million followers not understanding a single word.

I don't know, any suggestions?

'He was on every website,'

on every TV show. He was talking to everybody,

doing crazy things every single day. It got to the point

where, actually, viewers and readers became a little bit bored of him.

For his next trick, Charlie decided the time was right

to insult the man who was paying him a cool 2 million an episode to make people laugh.

But sitcom boss, Chuck Lorre, delivered the ultimatum punchline and gave him the sack.

To criticise the people that were paying him so publicly was remarkable

and, to be honest, I think I was a bit jealous, because we've all wanted to do that.

We've all wanted to just stand drunk and shout at the people that pay our wages.

Charlie Sheen, he's not frightened of anybody.

That's how I'd act if I was Charlie Sheen, up to a point,

and then Charlie took it too far.

He went from being a guy just doing these things

to becoming a show off. No-one likes a show-off.

Bouncing back from the sack, Charlie's new mantra may have been "winning",

but he was clearly losing the plot.

No-one knew exactly what he was winning,

but, when he announced a tour of his one-man show, The Torpedo Of Truth,

thousands turned up to find out.

Charlie! It's for you, buddy!

I'm gonna name my baby "Charlie"!

Whoo! Hey!

Anybody else would listen, you know. It's not how this thing works.

AUDIENCE SHOUTING

Anyway...

AUDIENCE JEERING

The people who went and saw him were pissed when there was nothing to watch.

You didn't know that there was no show.

What talent does he have? He was written for his entire life.

The way I see it, Charlie owes me 109 bucks.

-Why's that?

-Because it was kind of a waste of time.

He's not winning. I lost by going to this. I lost. I'm losing.

Charlie Sheen was asked if he was bipolar.

His answer was to say, "I'm bi-winning."

"I win here, I win there, I win everywhere"

I think he has come out of this a winner.

Charlie's had the last laugh. After suing the makers of Two And A Half Men for mental anguish,

he's come away with a settlement of 125 million.

Charlie Sheen, I am sure, will be back on our TV screens very, very soon

and he could even become one of the highest-paid members of Hollywood yet again.

Up next, an appearance from another old friend here on this show.

For Ashley Cole, 2011 has been an annoying year of guns, girls

and an unlikely reconciliation in the summer with the ex.

Cheryl Cole's had a pretty tough time.

She was very publicly humiliated, being kicked off the X Factor in the USA.

The thing that she needs is a bit of stability.

Yes, Ashley Cole's been a rat but, if you're going to offer her love and friendship, so be it.

But, of course, Ashley being Ashley, it wasn't to last.

The main reason so many of us hate Ashley Cole is because of what he's done to our beloved Cheryl

and none of us wanted her to take Ashley back and she did, only to be let down by the guy again.

What is the matter with him? Cheryl Cole for God's sake,

giving you a fifth, sixth, seventh chance

and you do daft stuff with models from nightclubs. What's the matter with you?

I can't understand him! I can't get me head round him.

I'm annoyed. I'm furious with...

I'm just shaking with rage.

Cheryl Cole, she's hot.

You're punching well above your weight

and you still can't treat her right.

Just what on Earth goes through your head?

You cheated on one of the most beautiful women in the world

with a set of absolute skanks, who went and then made money off it.

I hope you feel proud of yourself.

But it wasn't only Ashley's love life where a bit of banging landed him in trouble.

Back in February, he got it very, very wrong

when he was told he needed to practise his shooting.

Ashley Cole was reportedly holding the rifle

when he accidently fired it.

He shot someone who was standing 5ft away.

Ashley Cole took the most powerful air gun you can buy without a licence into training.

And he's just wandering around in the changing rooms

and shoots the 18-year-old work-experience guy, Tom Cowan.

That's surely proof the guy's not all there at all. Who would do that?

Apparently, sources say he was larking around, but what kind of lark

involves shooting the work experience with an air gun?

(TV REPORTER) Chelsea say they are dealing with the matter internally.

It's thought he'll be fined a quarter of a million by the club.

Though that's just two weeks' salary for the player.

Imagine you go to work and accidentally shoot Sonia from accounts.

You know that's game over, career finished, probably a bit of time inside.

Not Ashley Cole, though.

I think what it was is that he went into football training

thinking, "I want a change of career, I'm gonna try athletics."

"In fact, I don't want to run, I want to be the guy who starts the race". Pow!

Whispering in at number three, it's the controversial subject of...

Sh.

..super-injunctions

and the growing list of celebrities that are taking them out like...

Sh.

I think you get the idea.

# It's oh so quiet. #

Super-injunctions are the new evil.

It should be the same for everybody -

if you want to play away and you're found out, you take the consequences.

The annoying thing about it is it proves that,

if you have a lot of money, you can try to protect your personal life.

If you don't have a lot of money, then it's fair game for newspapers.

Celebrities had it so easy

when they could simply pay huge sums of money to keep details

of their private lives safely locked away inside the British legal system.

Pop star Howard Donald, journalist Andrew Marr,

and presenter Jeremy Clarkson, have all been involved

in gagging girls with their big super-injunctions.

However, the most annoying case of super-injunctivitis this year

involved hotty Imogen Thomas and a player who can only be identified as "CTB".

But who is he?

CTB. Who is he?

Honestly I really have no idea. Do you know?

If you don't know who CTB is,

er, he's the one that slept with Imogen Thomas.

He's a Premiership footballer and his name rhymes with "Brian".

It was the most expensive worst-kept secret

since the revelation that footballers like to sleep around.

We all knew who it was. We knew who it was for ages.

If I slept with Imogen Thomas, I would want the world to know.