Cluesmiths v Mixologists Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect.

If knowledge is fashionable,

then this show is the ultimate catwalk,

in the sense that backstage,

there's nothing to eat and everyone's throwing up.

But knowledge ISN'T fashionable,

as we'll find out in a moment.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, Mick Hodgkin, a crossword compiler and Arsenal fan

who's written a history of the world in 100 limericks.

John Tozer, a data scientist

who's distantly related to the noted architect Charles Holden.

And their captain, Richard Heald,

a keen Scrabbler who's able to say and spell

the longest place name in the world.

United by a compunction for competitive crossword clue writing,

they are the Cluesmiths.

Richard, you won your first game against the Operational Researchers,

then lost to the Yorkers.

More to the point, what IS the longest place name in the world?

It's 85 letters long, Victoria. And let's hear it.

Oh, OK. Um... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Taumata whakatangi hangakoauau o tamatea turi pukakapiki maunga

horo nuku pokai whenua kitanatahu.

Easy for you to say. They must sell enormous postcards.

Have you been there or is this just a quiz fact? Never been there.

Maybe one day. Maybe you can treat yourself to a trip

with the winnings from this show. Oh, no, hang on... That won't work.

You are facing tonight, on my left,

Chris Beer, an English graduate

who enjoys reading biographies of Napoleon

and was once interviewed as a Healthy Schools representative

on BBC Radio Lincolnshire.

Ewan MacAulay, a chemistry student who was attacked by dogs

owned by a local beekeeper in Kurdistan.

And their captain, Sam Swift,

a policy researcher who once had a detailed conversation

about drink-driving with the British ambassador to Iceland

and Tommy Walsh from Ground Force.

United in spirit, they are the Mixologists.

You lost your first game against the Spaghetti Westerners

and then won against the Collectors. How was that last game for you?

Tense, close, harrowing

and it was a good job we were all wearing dark trousers.

Is there anything that you might have revised before this next game,

having learned from last time? Um, nothing particularly comes to mind.

Hopefully, we can have another good Wall.

We've been scared of the Wall, but I think we can break it down.

Confident, fighting talk.

Before we get to the Wall, we're going play Rounds One and Two.

Let's start with you, Cluesmiths. You won the toss.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph. Eye of Horus, please.

OK. What is the connection between four apparently random clues?

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

Next.

An entry in a dictionary. Oh, OK...

An entry in a dictionary... Definition? Definition?

Next, please.

Your flexible friend. It's Access. It's Access. Yes.

Shall we go for access?

BELL

Is it access? Not the answer, I'm afraid,

so I'm going to show the fourth clue to the Mixologists.

You have the chance of a bonus point. OK, er...

It was the Excel.

No, that's not it either.

Now, the third clue is Access, the fourth clue is Excel.

Oh! The first one, Matthew Bannister's show, is Outlook.

And entry in a dictionary is Word. You're groaning.

Do you know the answer now? Yes, Microsoft Office programmes.

Microsoft software, yes.

Outlook, Word, Access, Excel.

Together they make Microsoft software.

Unlucky. No bonus point, but you do get to choose your own question.

Two Reeds, please. Two Reeds. These are going to be picture clues.

Something connects them, but what is it?

Here's the first.

Grampa Abe and a bassoon. Bassoon Abe? Bassoon Simpson?

Bassoon Grampa? OK, next, please.

That's a flute. Bird. Abe, bird...

Are they jazz musicians and the instruments they played?

And the instruments they played. Yeah, who's Abe?

Bird is Charlie Bird Parker. Charlie Bird Parker. Did he play the flute?

I don't know. Shall we get the next one? Next.

Top cat and a clarinet.

I think it... Nicknames of jazz musicians?

Shall we just get the last one?

Yeah. Next.

A fox and a French horn. BELL

OK, jazz musicians and their nicknames and instruments.

That is not the answer, I'm afraid. We'll come back to that in a minute,

but Cluesmiths, do you want to go for a bonus point?

We were thinking on similar lines. Wait. Is it Peter And The Wolf?

The instruments representing the animals?

It is Peter And The Wolf.

Right back at clue one, when you said, "Bassoon, Grampa",

that was your way in.

They are characters in Prokofiev's Peter And The Wolf

and the associated instruments. Well done, Cluesmiths.

You have a bonus point. Which question would you like?

Water, please. Water. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

Next.

.ci. .ci... This must be... 101.

It could be an internet domain... Next.

Epithet for Mary... Epithet for Mary?

Virgin? Virgin Islands? Channel Islands, yeah.

Shall we go for it? BELL

Is it islands? No, it is not,

as you'll discover when I show the fourth clue to the Mixologists.

A possible bonus point. Pff, er, um...

Mary is Theotoki, I think. OK, we'll go for that

cos that sounds good. Theotoki.

Not the answer either. Now, of course, when you see... Oh!

What was tickled en masse by Liberace? Keys.

There's only one possible answer to that. Ivories, the ivories.

That's all he tickled, nothing else.

In the first clue - that's a tricky one -

it's the purity of ivory soap.

99 and 44/100% was the boast of ivory soap.

.ci is the internet domain code for the Ivory Coast.

There are many epithets for Mary, of course,

but Ivory Tower is one of them. And what did Liberace tickle?

On a good day, it was the ivories. Mmm.

Mixologists, what would you like? Twisted Flax, please. Twisted Flax.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

216 is 6 cubed. 6 cubed, so 666.

6 x 6 x 6. Yeah. That means evil.

Next, please.

376. When was...? Oh...

Are these amendments to something or designations or something?

Or acts? Acts. Next, please.

Polygraphy? Lie detection. Lie detection. OK.

Things about...? Next, please.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Three seconds. BELL

Um, things that were outlawed by Cromwell.

No, although I like the idea of outlawing evil.

That's my kind of law.

No, Cluesmiths, bonus opportunity for you.

Um... It's a numerical one. And...

..we can't see it. You can't do it?

Is it something to do with 6? No, it isn't.

I loved what you were doing at the beginning there with the 666

and can you do it by maths?

No, it's simply the Dewey Decimal System of classifying books.

These are depreciated classifications.

They are former Dewey classifications for books in libraries. Of course!

Of course, now you look at it. It's all on computer now.

Yes, I think, initially, education of women was filed under evil

and then they later got rid of all of them. Yes, the Dewey System.

Right, come on, everyone. Time to wake up and get some points.

Cluesmiths, you've got the last choice of the round. Lion, please.

Lion. What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

Is it Egyptian pharaohs?

Next, please.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

Son of. Oh, son of. Yes, yes.

Is it son of? Yes. Shall we go for it?

BELL Is it son of?

Coming in after two clues, you get 3 points. Son of.

What can you tell me about the clues?

We can do the last one.

Son of Sam was the serial killer David Berkowitz. That's right.

Son of... Son of perdition is an epithet for Judas.

Yes, who said that? Jesus.

Jesus referred to Judas as the son of perdition.

The son of a preacher man was the only man who ever loved her.

He was the only man who ever loved Dusty Springfield,

according to that song. And Amenhotep was referred to

as son of Hapu to distinguish him

from King Amenhotep III in ancient Egypt.

He was a sort of Egyptian official, later deified. All son of. Well done.

OK, final question and last chance to score for you, Mixologists.

It's the Horned Viper. MUSICAL CHORD

The music question, of course. We should have known it was coming.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day.. # Next.

# Life goes on around him everywhere... #

That sounds like John Denver, but I don't know.

Um, shall we get the next one? Yeah. Next.

# Every... # Katy Perry, Domino.

No, it's Jesse J, Domino.

Wizard... Wizard, Jesse J, Domino...

Wishing it was Christmas every day, domino...

Another. Next, please.

# Let me take you down cos I'm going to... # Strawberry Fields Forever.

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

Three seconds.

BELL

Um, let's go that they are all films with Keira Knightley in them.

I'm afraid they are not all films with Keira Knightley in them.

So, a last bonus chance for you, Cluesmiths.

Are they all related to games?

No... Computer games? The middle two are but not the first and last.

It is more about films. Now, this is a difficult one.

The first tricky, oblique one, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day.

Christmas is the key word. Next one is Solitaire, then Domino.

They're Bond girls. Then Strawberry Fields Forever. Oh!

Once again, you're going, "Oh!" At the last minute.

Do you know now? Are they Bond girls? It is Bond girls.

We're thinking about Christmas Jones from The World Is Not Enough,

Solitaire from Live And Let Die, Domino from...? Oh, um, er...

That one. Exactly, Thunderball.

And Strawberry Fields from the recent one, Quantum Of Solace.

It was Gemma Arterton. Poor boys!

You have spent the whole round going, "Oh!", just at the last minute.

And there again, Bond girls.

That means, at the end of Round One...

Round Two isn't going to be any easier, I'm afraid.

There are still four connective clues, but this time,

they come in a sequence and I want to know what the fourth one is.

Cluesmiths, you'll be going first again. Please choose a hieroglyph.

Two Reeds, please. Two Reeds. You will see the first in a sequence.

I want to know what comes fourth.

Time starts now.

Next.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Is it, um...absolute zero? Don't know.

Um... Next, please.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

Um, we can't get a sequence.

Any ideas at all? Do you recognise those numbers? Three seconds.

That's it, I'm afraid. You're out of time.

So, another bonus opportunity for you, Mixologists.

Ewan, as our token scientist, is going to take a stab in the dark.

Let's hear it. Um, it's the...

It's the boiling and melting points of iodine.

Um, so...

I'm afraid this is far too long for your scientific brain

to come to the point.

No, the answer is Top: 100 and 212.

You're in the right area.

It's the marker points of Celsius and Fahrenheit

and it's the bottom and then the top

and we want to hear 100 and then it's equivalent 212.

Celsius and Fahrenheit marker points, expressed in both scales.

All right, Mixologists.

Is this going to be the moment you get off the blocks? I feel it is.

What is the hieroglyph of glory? Eye of Horus. The Eye of Horus.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

General Grievous in Revenge Of The Sith. He's got four light sabres.

He's got four light sabres. Next, please.

Captain America. Easy Rider?

Easy Rider. Captain America is played by Chris...

Chris... Evans. Chris Evans. Next, please.

Three wheels? Ooh.

Cos he rides a one-wheel thing, two wheels,

three wheels and four wheels. OK, so Batman. Yeah, Batman.

BELL So, Batman. For what reason?

The Batmobile has four wheels. Then it's an acceptable answer.

We were thinking of Mr Toad from The Wind In The Willows,

but anybody with a four-wheeled vehicle. And why?

Because General Grievous, as Ewan... Has a one-wheeled vehicle.

A sort of giant hamster wheel, isn't it, his vehicle?

Easy Rider is Captain America's motorbike.

That is the motorbike movie.

The famous yellow Robin Reliant.

Del Boy in Only Fools And Horses has a three-wheeled van,

so one, two, three and four wheels. Well done. At last, 2 points.

Enjoy that water. It's well-earned!

OK, Cluesmiths, what would you like? Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax. What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

Next.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

Shall we get one more? Yeah, get another one. Next.

Corsica? Let's just go for Corsica.

Is it islands in the...? BELL

Is it Corsica? Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So, Mixologists, your chance to have a go. Sicily.

Sicily is the right answer. And why's that? Islands that...

Do they all belong to Italy, in terms of size? That's it.

It's simply largest Italian islands. A standard geography question.

And the next in the sequence would be Sicily.

Mixologists, you get a bonus point and your chance to choose.

Horned Viper, please. OK. What would come fourth in this sequence?

These are going to be picture clues,

so what would you expect to see in the fourth picture?

Here's the first.

It's a glass of wine, red wine. Next, please.

That's Patrick Moore.

INAUDIBLE MURMURING

Um... Next, please.

Who's that? With the two of them as well. I don't know who it is.

Wine, Moore, red wine...

Famous Moores. Famous Moores. Bobby Moore. Henry Moore.

Is it the England back four?

I think we should just go football or something? Stiles...

BELL

Um, let's put a picture of Damien Hirst. For what reason?

Because that could well be representative of Bobby Moore

and then that could be...

er, Dorothy Stile, so there's Stiles

and then Geoff Hurst, played up front in '66.

With that logic, I'm afraid Damien Hirst

is not an acceptable answer, so Cluesmiths, do you want to have a go?

No. No, sorry. I really like this question. I think this is great fun,

but if you don't recognise the person at clue three,

you never stood any chance at all. That is Cybill Shepherd.

Shepherds. You're all too young for Moonlighting, I think.

That was her big show. And there's two of her. Shepherds.

So, we're looking at Red, Sky At Night,

Shepherds. Oh!

We want an image of delight, for example,

Only Connect and some jubilant scenes from that delightful show.

Oh, dear. That was fun, that question.

Mick, have you written a limerick about Only Connect? I hear you have.

I have got one, if you like, yes. Come on then. OK.

Contestants on Only Connect Are never sure what to expect

We'll pass Eye of Horus Then Lion will floor us

With something we can't recollect.

APPLAUSE

I think that's very good. Update - ALL the clues will floor us.

Yes, that wasn't accurate in terms of...what's happened.

I like that tremendously.

OK, I'm so pleased I'm going to give you the chance to choose a question.

Lion, please. Lion. MUSICAL CHORD

Will the Lion floor you? It's a music sequence.

We just heard the little chord.

So, what would you expect to hear in fourth place?

Here's the first.

# Don't, don't you want me...? # Human League. Next.

# Save your love, my darling, save your love... #

It's successive Christmas number ones.

BELL It's Band Aid,

Do They Know It's Christmas? I don't know what you mean.

You're going to have to perform it for me so that I understand.

I will give you 3 points, but let's hear it. One, two, three, four.

# It's Christmas time There's no need to be afraid. #

Absolutely lovely. In that case, 3 points, very well earned.

Can you explain why?

They're the Christmas number ones of '81, '82, '83 and '84.

Absolutely right.

And the moment you heard...

And the third one was Only You by the Flying Pickets, I believe.

Only You by the Flying Pickets, yes. But you only needed to hear two.

Is that because you're a big fan of the charts

or you've just boned up on your Christmas number ones?

I'm still living in the '80s.

I see. Very well done. Back to you, Mixologists,

for the last question. It's Water.

They were not floored by Lion.

Can you cruise down the Water to point success?

What will be fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

These are... The Pevensie children. So, Peter the Great.

In age. So, Lucy's the youngest. So, Peter's the oldest.

INAUDIBLE DISCUSSION

Yes, are you sure? Um... I'm willing to go for it. I'm willing.

I'm willing to go for it.

BELL Peter the Great.

I love your gambling spirit, but I'm afraid that is not the answer.

ALL: Oh! So, Cluesmiths, I'm going to show you

the next two clues in the sequence

and I'd like to know what comes fourth.

Oh, was it Peter? Peter the Brave. Not it either.

You did well to recognise the Pevensie children's titles in Narnia.

We are going up in age. But it was Peter the Magnificent. Was it? Oh!

Peter the Magnificent. Sorry. That's all right. I'm very sorry.

I'd like to have given the 5 points, but I cannot.

At the end of Round Two...

Time now for the Connecting Wall.

The Mixologists will be going first this time.

I really feel I can appreciate your shirt at this point.

"You've cat to be kitten me right meow."

Based on the well-known expression...

You've got to be kidding me right now. Right now? Right now.

I don't know if that's a thing. We're feline good about it. Oh! Oh...

Luckily there's no time for this because we've got to play a Wall.

You've got a choice. Lion or Water? The Lion Wall, please.

You're going with the cat. You've cat to be kitten me right meow.

You have two and a half minutes to solve the Lion Wall, starting now.

Gatsby... Great Gatsby, great dictator...

OK, big, scary, diagonals... Nothing there. Control, Escape...

Enter, Control, Escape, Caps lock.

BUZZ A function?

That's fine. BUZZ

I've done that one but it's all right.

BUZZ Um...

BUZZ Let's do the "greats".

Gatsby, Portrait, Dictator... Great Escape.

BUZZ Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle.

Not Portrait, Escape. BUZZ

Oh, sorry. Gatsby, Escape, Dictator and Rock 'n' Roll Swindle or...

BUZZ What was the other one we said?

Um... Oh. Defence? Great defence? BUZZ

Oh, hang on, we've also got South African food.

We've got Bunny chow, Biltong... Chakalaka.

Yeah, or um... BUZZ

It's probably... Um, Gatsby.

Beautiful. Right, greats. Three strikes and you're out now.

Dictator, Rock 'n' Roll Swindle... OK, Great Escape. Self portrait.

Yes. Self esteem. Self defence. Hang on. Self-serving.

So, what are these three? Great Waldo... They must be greats, yeah.

The Great Waldo Pepper, it must be, because Great Dictator,

Great Escape and Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle. Go for it.

Cat to be kitten me right meow! You've solved the Wall.

That's four points immediately for the groups you've found.

What about the connections?

Tell me about the dark blue group, starting Enter.

These are all things you can do on a computer keyboard.

Simple computer keys.

And the second one, Gatsby and the others in the green group.

Chris spotted... These are South African foods.

South African cuisine.

The purple group - Portrait, Serving, Defence, Esteem.

Can all be preceded with the word "self".

Self portrait, self-serving, self defence, self esteem.

And the light blue group, starting Waldo Pepper.

They're all films that are preceded with the word "Great". That's right.

You don't remember the Great Waldo Pepper?

This might have been before our time.

I suppose you wouldn't remember it.

Robert Redford plays a pilot. Does he?

Not great if you're frightened of flying, which I am,

but it's a lovely film anyway. Well done.

4 points for the groups you found, 4 for the connections,

a bonus of 2 for getting it all right. That is a maximum of 10.

Let's bring back the other team now, give them a new Wall

and see what they can do about solving it.

It's the Water Wall for you, Cluesmiths. The Lion's been taken.

Two and a half minutes, of course, starting now.

Perfumes. J'Adore, Opium... Yeah. No.5. Yeah, No.5. OK.

J'Adore. J'Adore, Opium.

What else? Perfection?

BUZZ No. Shall we go for quiz games?

Let's go for quiz games.

15 to 1... BUZZ

What was the other one?

Oh, Perfection, yes. Perfection.

Er...

Tanner, Bob... Coins. Tanner, Bob. Yeah. Score. Lady Godiva's a fiver.

Yeah, OK, Lady Godiva, Score, Tanner... Nicknames of...

Tanner, Bob. No. BUZZ

Is there another one? Shalimar. Frontier... Bag of sand? No.

Grand? Bag of sand, grand? Bag of sand, grand. Maybe.

Tanner, Lady Godiva... What was the other one?

Score. BUZZ

No, Bob. Bag of sand, Tanner... BUZZ

There must be another rhyming slang one.

OK, let's go for J'Adore, Shalimar, No.5, Opium.

Well done. Three strikes and you're out now. Fantasy. Right...

We still haven't got the...

Lady Godiva, Score, Bag of sand...

Bag of sand. What's the other one? Frontier, Countdown...

There's Frontier... Wordplay - look for wordplay. Countdown, could be.

Yeah, could be.

Frontier... Ron?

Frontier... Um...

Ron... Er...God?

You've got a minute left. Score...

Does anything go after it? Wild Frontier...

Score... Frontier... Bag of sand... Countdown...

Um... Bag of sand and Lady Godiva has to be about money.

Shall we try that? Bag of sand, Lady Godiva and um...

Fantasy, Bob, Frontier, Countdown...

Bob and Tanner... We did Bob and Tanner, didn't we?

Bob and Score? Bob and Score. You've got 30 seconds.

Bob and Score. BUZZ

No, try Lady Godiva, Bag of sand, Tanner and Score.

Tanner and Score. We've not done that one before.

BUZZ We've got one more.

Um, Frontier... Final countdown, final score, Final Fantasy...

Ah. That's it.

That's it. Wow, with ten seconds to go, you solved the Wall.

Very well done. So those are all the groups. What about the connections?

Pointless, The Chase, 15 to 1, Perfection.

They are daytime game shows. They are daytime quiz shows.

And the green group, starting Opium.

They're all perfumes, I believe. Those are the perfumes.

Almost anything could be a red herring in that category.

I wear the Pointless perfume,

so I can feel the light touch of Richard Osman.

Yes, I wear the Bag of sand. LAUGHTER

The purple group - Frontier, Score, Countdown, Fantasy.

They can all be preceded by "final".

You suddenly spotted that at the end there.

Final frontier, final score, final countdown and Final Fantasy,

a video game series, that is. Well spotted.

And the last group - Lady Godiva, Tanner, Bob, Bag of sand.

They're all slang for money. It's slang for money.

It's bob you weren't spotting. it's a shilling.

Tanner - that's a sixpence.

Not tenner - that would be a cockly Ben.

But a tanner would be a sixpence.

Lady Godiva, deep-sea diver, a fiver.

Bag of sand - a grand, a thousand. Oh, I'm itching for the casino.

So, well done. All the groups, all the connections, plus the bonus.

That is a maximum of 10 points. Let's have a look at the scores.

One of these teams is going to the quarterfinals,

the other team is going home.

We will decide which in the missing vowels round. Fingers on buzzers.

The first group are all...

Kindle.

Nexus. And Android tablet. Correct.

Viagra. Yes, it is.

The Ten Commandments. Correct.

Next category...

Two Men And A Baby. From Three Men And A baby.

TOGETHER: Snow White And The Six Dwarfs.

One Hundred Dalmatians...

Not the right answer, I'm afraid. You lose a point.

Cluesmiths, do you know?

Nine Hundred And Ninety-Nine... Thousand, Hundred...

No, far too long. Nine Hundred and Ninety-Nine Thousand,

Nine Hundred And Ninety-Nine Dollar Baby.

LAUGHTER Next clue.

The Six Year Itch. That's more like it.

Next category.

Ode To Nightingale. To A Nightingale. I can't take it.

You have to lose a point. Cluesmiths, do you know? Ode To A Nightingale.

The full title is Ode To A Nightingale. John Keats. Next clue.

Cluesmiths. END OF ROUND MUSIC

No time to tell me that last one.

Dulce Et Decorum Est, the Wilfred Owen.

But that is the end of the quiz.

And finishing with an excellent 22 points,

through to the quarterfinals,

it is the Cluesmiths.

On 14 points and very sadly going home,

it's the Mixologists. I'm sorry.

It was lovely to see you.

I'm afraid it's the end of your run. Well done, Cluesmiths.

We'll be meeting you again later in the series.

What a night. We've had poetry, we've had song.

Frankly, it's all been far too jolly and I don't approve at all.

Join me for next week's episode.

That'll wipe the smile off everyone's faces. Goodbye.

The knives are sharpened and the heat is on. It can only mean one thing.

I've never, ever seen that!

Britain's best chefs are back in town.

They're here because they want this title. I'm really excited.