Sport Relief: Royal III v BBC Only Connect

Hello and welcome to the Only Connect Sport Relief Special.

Sport Relief is a time when everyone in Britain is encouraged

to engage in sporting activity for good causes.

Well, here at Only Connect, we're excused, we've got a note,

we've forgotten our kit and we're certainly not doing it in our pants.

Round here, we don't get fit, we do quizzes.

The general vibe is wheezy but knowledgeable.

Speaking of which, let's meet the teams.

On my right, legendary performance poet with an honorary doctorate

from Salford University, that will be Dr John Cooper Clarke.

Bestselling historical novelist, author of The White Queen,

The Other Boleyn Girl, among many, Philippa Gregory.

And their captain, comedian, novelist, screenwriter,

director, librettist and erstwhile pop star, David Baddiel.

Philippa writes about Tudor monarchs,

John's written a poem about the Queen Mother

and David's written a book

with a quote from Prince Charles as the title -

they are the Royal III.

David, I like your team name. Is it a pun, or...?

It's sort of a pun on the word "royalty" or "royal we"

and indeed "Royal Free", which is a hospital in northwest London.

Brilliant wordsmithery.

John, you're a poet but your first job was as a lab technician.

-In a quiz, are you more of an arts or science guy?

-Arts.

What are you hoping won't come up?

-LAUGHTER

-That's arts!

Arts, eh?

Philippa, you're obviously knowledgeable about history,

how are you on sport and pop music?

I'm not famously good on sport and pop music,

nor on anything after about 1600.

Excellent.

-Well, you could be in for a bumpy night.

-Yes.

You are facing, on my left, the great cellist,

musical icon and ambassador for Live Music Now, Julian Lloyd Webber.

A hero to many of our viewers,

particularly as author of that great best seller,

Eats, Shoots And Leaves: A Zero Approach To Punctuation,

Lynne Truss.

And their captain, comedian, writer, much-loved actor

and Horace Hamlet Mayor scholar in geography, Hugh Dennis.

Lynne lives in Brighton, Julian lives in Birmingham

and Hugh lives near Chichester -

they are the BBC.

Hugh, you and David have met before as team captains

-on our Children In Need Special a few months ago.

-Yeah.

How did you enjoy that encounter?

I enjoyed it as much as I enjoy meeting Dave,

you know, any other time.

You finished an honourable second.

LAUGHTER

No, I enjoyed it. We... We lost.

Is there anything you'd do differently this time?

Yeah, win, I think.

Julian, we're hoping you'll master the music question,

which our regular contestants tend to try and avoid.

-Is there anything you hope won't come up?

-I think science.

I mean, they often say music and science, well,

classical music and science goes together...not in my case.

Lynne, are you a quizzer? Have you seen Only Connect before?

Um, yes, I watch Only Connect.

My best moment probably watching it was when,

in the missing vowels round,

something came up which was a book title

and it began TS SH something and ended up ND LVS and I said,

"Oh, it's something And Elves, it's something And Elves!"

and it turned out to be Eats, Shoots And Leaves, which is my own book.

Ah-ha. Well, I mean, that is like a Bible to our regular quizzers.

They'll be very excited to see you here.

Our fantastic guest quizzers are giving their time

in the hope of inspiring you to give something

to the BBC's appeal for Sport Relief.

Money you donate today will help the most vulnerable people in the UK

and the poorest countries around the world,

changing lives for the better.

If you can afford to make a donation,

please go to the website...

..or phone...

Standard geographic charges for landlines and mobiles will apply.

Time, I'm afraid, to play the quiz.

The BBC, you won the toss, you will be going first.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax?

I simply want to know, what is the connection between these clues?

Time starts now.

Next.

Next.

Um, is this a famous...

a famous diatribe by somebody?

Is a part of...? Is it in a song?

I don't know.

Well, we'd best go for next, then, yeah, please.

Next.

Got it!

Social Distortion, Subhumans,

Crass, Rancid.

Three seconds.

Have a guess, what might it be?

-It's a political rant.

-A rant.

It is not a political rant.

Royal III, do you know?

Is it punk bands?

It is punk bands.

Did you know that, David?

I knew Crass, definitely,

and John reckoned that Subhumans was definitely a punk band

and the other two sounded enough like punk bands for us to guess.

John, you're famously associated with the punk movement -

you ever hung out with the Subhumans at all?

Quite a few.

LAUGHTER

Well done, Royal III,

you get a bonus point and it's your turn to choose a question.

-Can we have Two Reeds, please?

-Two Reeds.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Next.

-Any ideas?

-No.

-Quadrupeds.

-Possibly.

Next.

Oh. I don't know what that is. Do you know what that is?

Yes, it's the ass that belongs to Balaam,

so it might be beasts of burden in legend or something.

I don't know what Xanthus is.

-Saying quadrupeds.

-So they're all quadrupeds?

All got four legs? Next.

We're going to go for the next one.

All right. Yes. We know what it is.

Sorry, I should have waited for you to tell me that.

I'm going to nominate Philippa to tell you what the answer is.

They're speaking animals.

Can you be any more specific?

Mister Ed was a talking horse,

and Balaam's ass is his ass or donkey and it speaks to him,

I think it complains to him.

I'm not sure what Xanthus is,

but I imagine it's some kind of beast of burden type,

horse-type thing that speaks

and a donkey famously speaks... Um...

In Shrek.

In Shrek. Do you know, I was going elsewhere but, yeah, Shrek.

All equines, all talking equines.

OK. BBC, it's your turn to choose a question. Which would you like?

-Go on, Lynne.

-Water.

-Water?

-MUSICAL TONE

-Oh!

Ah, it's the music question

so, it's just the same as the others except you hear the clues.

What connects these four pieces of music?

Shout, "Next," when you want another one, here's the first.

# She's mine for the taking

# I'm so happy... #

Next.

MUSIC: Nessun Dorma by Puccini

That's Nessun Dorma.

-Nessun Dorma, I think it is.

-Next.

MUSIC: Sleeping Beauty Waltz by Tchaikovsky

Oh, that's Sleeping...

Is it Sleeping Beauty?

Sleeping Beauty, yeah, it is.

-OK.

-Sleep?

-Sleep?

Sleep is the right answer.

Sadly we didn't get to hear The Lion Sleeps Tonight,

which I was quite looking forward to.

What did we hear?

We heard Nessun Dorma, certainly,

we heard something from Sleeping Beauty.

-The first one?

-Don't know.

Not so sure.

The first one was Mel Torme, A Sleepin' Bee.

Well done, you made music with that, coming in after three clues.

You get two points. Back to you, Royal III, for a question.

-Eye Of Horus.

-Eye Of Horus.

Why not? The Eye Of Horus, what is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

Next.

Er...next.

OK, well, Alan Smith is a footballer,

Frank Lampard's a footballer, Arthur Brown's a footballer. Erm, er...

-Frank Lampard.

-Who did they play for?

Chelsea, Arsenal and I don't know who Arthur Brown played for.

Frank Lampard, 1972?

Oh, hang on. OK.

Is it footballers whose dads were also footballers with the same name?

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So, there's a possible

bonus point for the BBC.

Footballer in 1999, that's two...

There were two Gary Stevens playing in the league at the same time,

there were two Frank Lampards playing... no,

they can't be, because he would have retired well before.

It's not precise enough for

a bonus point, I'm afraid. Now...

Frank Lampard, you're right,

he and his father both played

and the two dates in brackets

-are dates of their respective debuts for England.

-Right.

Unfortunately, the other clue

is it's not their fathers.

Similar names?

There simply have been two Arthur Browns, two Alan Smiths,

two Frank Lampards and two Gary Stevens playing for England.

So, these are the names of people

that share their names with other

players and the dates of the two

respective England debuts.

No bonus point there, then, BBC,

but you may choose a question.

Horned Viper, please.

The Horned Viper.

These are going to be picture clues, what connects them?

Here's the first.

-Doctor Who.

-Plays Doctor Who.

Next.

Is that...? OK. Next.

Who's that?

And that's an ear. So it might be, um...

Peter, Peter. Peter and Peter.

Oh, yes, yes.

-1812 must be the war, mustn't it?

-1812?

And wars, are they wars or something?

They are battles. It's Jenkins' Ear.

Yes, yes.

You are absolutely right.

Peterloo or something.

Um, it is 1812 which is...Waterloo?

Just the War Of 1812.

It was a battle between the USA and Britain.

And the War Of The Two Peters.

Yes, that is actually a war,

known as Guerra De Los Dos Pedros.

Wars Of The Roses.

And you didn't need that clue.

You get the points. They all denote wars, well done.

So, one question remains for you, Royal III, it's the Lion.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Don't know who that is.

Know who that is? No.

Next.

OK, I know who that is.

Yeah, she's in The Killing,

she is the person who was killed in The Killing.

Er...next.

People who were killed, but I don't know...

We don't need to know the last one

if the answer is just people who were killed in whodunits.

-Do you think that's enough?

-No.

-Shall we go for it?

-Cluedo?

It's not Cluedo, definitely not.

Er, OK, let's go for that.

People who were at the centre of whodunits,

the murdered party at the centre of whodunits.

You didn't need to see the last one,

Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks.

They are fictional murder victims.

Did I hear you say, David, it's definitely not Cluedo?

John said, "Is it Cluedo?" I said, "It's definitely not Cluedo."

On a Cluedo board, in the middle,

you've got stairs with a cross,

which is where the murder victim was found.

That murdered person is Dr Black.

Who were the first people?

What are they from?

That's what made me think it was Cluedo,

because one of the murder weapons is a spanner and...

-Oh, ratchet?

-And a ratchet.

Just the sort of thing you'd use

to murder a doctor, isn't it, a spanner?

You could do with one of them screwdrivers, you know,

those things, they call them a ratchet screwdriver?

Samuel Ratchett is the victim

in Murder on the Orient Express.

-And who's Dr Black?

-From Cluedo!

-Cluedo, David.

-Cluedo?

-Yes!

David, what's happening?

< He's the person in Cluedo?

What's happening, David?

I just missed that bit.

We're lulling you.

I'm sorry, I should have talked

about it at greater length!

Very well done, they are all

fictional murder victims.

At the end of Round One, the BBC have 4 points,

the Royal III have 4 points.

Before we move on to Round Two, a quick reminder of why we're here -

we're trying to raise money for Sport Relief

and here's how you can help.

Money you donate today will help vulnerable people like these,

both in the UK and in the world's poorest countries,

changing lives for the better.

If you're able to make a donation,

then the number to ring is...

Or you can make a donation at the website.

Meanwhile, we are pressing on with Round Two, the sequences round.

I want to know what comes fourth in a sequence -

teams, you must work out the connection in your heads this time

and tell me what comes fourth.

BBC, you'll be going first again. Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Eye of Horus.

-Eye of Horus.

What would be the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

Is it editors of the News of the World or the...

-or the Mirror or something?

-Mirror.

-Next.

-Rebekah Wade...

-Tabloid papers.

-Editor... Who's the current editor of...

-News of the World?

Oh, I've no idea.

Rebekah Wade was replaced by...

-I don't know.

-No, I don't know.

-Do you know?

-No, no.

-Is it News of the World?

-Who's the current editor?

-Who's another famous...

He's a very cheery-looking chap.

Don't know his name, but he's the editor of the News of the World.

Um, someone Collins?

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Royal III, do you know?

Is it just terrible people?

I can't give you that, I'm afraid.

It's not the current

News of the World editor,

because the newspaper folded.

Kelvin MacKenzie?

Not even the last editor -

the person who edited

the News of the World after

Rebekah Wade was Andy Coulson.

-Oh, was it?

-The chap who then went on to work for David Cameron.

Royal III, you don't get a bonus point,

but you may choose a question, which would you like?

Horned Viper, please.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Oh, I hate the look of that. Next.

Right.

-Any ideas?

-No.

-Two, three...

Yeah, it might be. Next.

-Four?

-Five.

-Yeah.

It would be asterisk...

Oh, it's just the vowels? Isn't it?

So, it's asterisk I, asterisk E?

Asterisk I, asterisk E, it is

a simple inversion of

our missing vowels round.

It's missing consonants of the numbers.

Two, three, four, five,

simple as that. Well done.

BBC, your turn to choose a question.

Two Reeds.

What would be the fourth in this sequence?

Here is the first.

Next.

-Oh, no...

-Galician.

-Spain.

-Next.

-Catalan, so, that's in...

-Spain.

Catalan, Galician...

Catalan... Well, it might be...

It could be something like where the Prime Ministers of Spain come from!

What's another region of Spain?

-Former...

-Three seconds.

So, what's the next one?

I haven't got a clue.

Basque... Basque...ian?

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

Royal III, do you want to have

-a go for a bonus?

-(Castilian.)

OK, I'm getting Castilian over here.

Well done, John,

the answer is Castilian.

They are the four most common languages in Spain,

and the next would be Castilian.

Are you a Spanish speaker, John?

Not any more.

I used to, I lived in Barcelona for a year, so, I did quite well,

yeah, towards the end of the year, I could order a cup of coffee!

Hugh, you didn't, in the pursuit

of the Horace Hamlet Mayor geography prize, learn Spanish?

We didn't do the languages of the Iberian peninsula, no.

Royal III, you get a bonus point and your own question,

which is it to be?

I'll have the Twisted Flax, please.

These are going to be picture clues.

I'd like to know what sort of thing you'd expect to see

in the last picture.

Here's the first.

Greyfriars Bobby, yes, next?

Bobby Charlton. Another Bobby, so...

Next.

That's, um, whats-his-name, Charlton Heston. Bobby Charlton...

So it's Greyfriars Bobby, Bobby Charlton,

-Charlton Heston...

-(Heston Blumenthal.)

Heston Blumenthal, yeah.

I think that's probably right.

We're going to say Heston Blumenthal.

The very man!

It goes Greyfriars Bobby, Bobby Charlton,

Charlton Heston and then a Heston. He's the only one we can think of.

Exactly so.

It could have been a picture

of the Heston Services, couldn't it?

-Yeah.

-Well done.

BBC, your turn to choose a question.

Oh, Lion, please.

-Lion.

-Yeah.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first clue.

Next.

Next.

OK, so...

Satsuma peninsula...

Oh, Thursday, Friday, Saturday...

Thursday, Friday, Saturday... OK, so it's going to be...

A Sun...

-We need one.

-There's a place.

-Just give me a name of...

-Sun City something...

Five seconds.

-Sun City, South Africa.

-Very glamorous.

We were thinking of Sunderland.

-But I will accept your answer.

-Well done.

Why will I accept your answer?

Because you're very nice.

I'm really not. So what's...?

Well, it's because it goes

Thurs for Thursday,

German for... Well, Fri for Friday.

Sat for Saturday, Sun for Sunday.

That's absolutely right.

They are locations hidden

at the beginning of which

are abbreviations of the days of the week.

Royal III, one question remains,

the Water.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

-OK.

-HE MUMBLES

Next.

Racing drivers.

-Yes.

-Next.

All right, so they must have been world champions.

So I don't know who the next world champion was, unfortunately.

It was the English one.

No, James Hunt was the English one.

It's the next Formula One world racing champion.

Was that Senna?

Do you think it was?

It might have been.

-Shall we give it a go?

-Yes.

-OK.

Well, we assume it's Formula One world champions

in order and we... I don't know anything about it.

..but we're guessing Nigel Mansell.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

So there's a possible bonus point for the BBC.

I'd say it was Alain Prost.

That's not it either.

-Emerson?

-Is it Aryton Senna?

Emerson Fittipaldi.

You're on the right lines.

-It is staring you in the face.

-Niki Lauda.

-Niki Lauda.

-It's Niki Lauda.

-Again!

Now, yes, the clue here

is that there are many people who

have been champion more than once

but not James Hunt.

James Hunt just pipped it in that

one season but never won again.

-After that, Niki Lauda came back.

-Right.

In this race, however, looking at the scores at the end of round two -

the BBC have 6 points,

the Royal III have 9.

Time now for our Sport Relief Connecting Wall -

16 jumbled up clues that the teams need to sort into

four connected groups of four.

Royal III, you'll be going first this time.

Would you like Lion or Water?

-What do you think?

-Water.

-Water.

Water, apparently.

The Water Wall, quirky choice!

You have two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Bottom... These are all things with Rik Mayall in them.

Filthy, Rich & Catflap and The Young Ones.

-BUZZ

-Oh, it's got to be one other one.

OK, have another go.

Well, The Young Ones, Filthy, Rich & Catflap,

The New Statesman.

Huh. It's definitely something else.

I don't know... It must be something else he was in.

Was he in something called Cake?

-BUZZ

-No, he wasn't.

Damn! That's really annoyed me!

It's definitely things with him in them.

Um...

What about newspapers? Spectator, New Statesman,

-Tribune...

-Red Pepper.

-Red Pepper?

-It's a magazine. Magazines...

OK, that's not it. Now we're in trouble.

-The Spectator, Tribune, Centurion?

-Red Pepper.

Tribune and Centurion, isn't that in that group?

You're pretty sure Red Pepper.

Is Quaternion...?

-No, OK, so we're getting nowhere.

-So we take Tribune, Red Pepper...

-Have we done that?

-Yep.

-OK.

So that means if we go back to Salt...

What about Centurion, Quaternion Roman things?

Yeah, that looks right.

Legate is a Roman thing. That's a Roman thing.

-That's presumably a Roman thing.

-Prefect.

-Prefect?

-Yeah.

Three strikes and you're out now.

OK, so Filthy, Rich And Catflap, The Young Ones, The New Statesman

and Bottom, that's the one I just did, that is wrong.

So he must have been in something else. What about Opera?

-Salt, Cake.

-Yeah, these are words, surely.

-I know.

-Maybe In The Red was something with him.

-Shall I try In The Red? I've have never heard of it but maybe...

-OK.

This is definitely stuff with him.

That's it! You've solved the wall.

So four points for the groups. What about the connections?

Prospect, The Spectator, Tribune, Red Pepper.

These are all magazines.

They are political magazines.

The green group - Quaternion Prefect, Legate, Centurion.

-Roman military...

-BOTH:

-ranks.

That's it. Ranks in the Roman Army.

And the pink group.

In The Red, The New Statesmen, Filthy, Rich and Catflap,

The Young Ones.

Things that Rik Mayall was in.

They are things that starred the late, great Rik Mayall.

-In The Red was a thriller written by Malcolm Bradbury.

-OK.

And the light blue group - Bottom, Cake, Opera, Salt.

Things preceded by "rock".

-Yes, they are.

-Rock bottom, rock cake, rock opera, rock salt...

That is absolutely right.

Rock bottom, rock cake, rock opera, rock salt.

Very well done, then.

That is four points for the groups and the connections and the bonus.

It's a maximum of ten.

Time to bring back the BBC team,

give them a new Connecting Wall and see if they can solve it.

It'll be the Lion Wall for you,

because your opponents chose the Water.

You have two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Oh, OK. Right.

INDISTINCT CONFERRING

These are magazines.

-TLS, Granta.

-Slightly Foxed, LRB.

All literary magazines.

-BUZZ

-No, is there another one?

Slightly Foxed, Mint, Mugwort...

Rue, is that a magazine?

I don't know that one.

-I don't know.

-You've definitely got plants - Lovage, Cannabis, Mint.

-Oh, yes.

-Mm-hm.

-Is Mugwort a plant?

-Yes, I think so.

-Give it a go. Lovage?

-BUZZ

No, that simply does that.

Maybe we should do this again,

-because we know that that's a thing, don't we?

-Yep.

Oh, New York Review of Books.

-BUZZ

-No.

-So what wouldn't be one?

Granta might not be one, I guess.

OK, New York Review, LRB, TLS.

-Oh!

-Hooray!

Now, OK, Granta...

Is there...? Well, what is it?

It's a pub that I used to go to.

THEY CHUCKLE

Er, Unopened. Well, unopened...

-OK, you've got...

-Maybe those are herbs.

-..Rue, Mints.

-Rue, Mint...

-Lovage.

Lovage and...

-So you think it's Mugwort?

-Yeah.

-BUZZ

-Cannabis, Cannabis.

Try Cannabis.

BUZZ

Cannabis, Mugwort, Rue...

Three strikes and you're out now.

OK, so Ex-library, Dog-eared, Unopened...

-What about...? Is there anything in the middle of...?

-No.

Gear.

Oh, OK. Yeah... No.

-Do, da...

-LYNNE LAUGHS

INDISTINCT CONFERRING

Yeah, yeah, try it, try it.

-BUZZ Ten seconds.

-Ooh!

BUZZ

INDISTINCT CONFERRING

Oh, that's it, you've used your three strikes

and the wall has frozen.

But two points for the groups you found.

What about the connections? LRB, Slightly Foxed, NYRB, TLS.

They're literary magazines.

They're literary magazines.

Second group - Lovage, Cannabis, Mugwort and Rue.

-Herbs.

-Herby, herby...

They're all words.

Herbs is better than words, herbs.

Medicinal herbs, many would say.

You can still get points for connections in the groups

you didn't find, so let's resolve the wall.

Unopened, Mint, Dog-eared, Ex-library.

States of book, I suppose.

They are ways of describing second-hand books.

And what about the last one? Dado, Mump...

They're members of a family, aren't they?

That's right, there are relatives

hidden at the beginning.

That evaded you during the wall, but Dad, Mum, Uncle, Gran,

-hidden at the beginning of those words.

-Clever.

But two points for the groups you found and four for the connections.

That's a total of six. Let's have a look at the scores.

Time now for Round Four and just to keep up with the sporting theme,

I've put on one boxing glove.

I've never seen a boxing match.

I assume that must be what people do.

So this is the missing vowels round.

You simply tell me what are the disguised clues.

You look like you've got

a big mutant hand.

Maybe I do have a big mutant hand.

Mutant fingers on buzzers, teams.

I can tell you that the first group are all...

-BBC?

-New balls, please.

Correct.

-BBC?

-Game, set and match, Murray.

Correct.

Royal III.

Miss Williams won the toss

and has elected to serve.

You're a genius, that is right.

-Yes!

-Brilliant, yeah.

-Wow!

-BBC.

-Ladies and gentlemen,

play is suspended.

You're also a genius.

Next category...

-Royals.

-Leg warmers.

-Correct.

-BBC. BOTH:

-Fingerless gloves.

Correct.

-BBC.

-Deely Boppers.

-TIME-UP JINGLE

What's deely boppers?

Just in time -

deely boppers is correct,

but the bell has gone for the end of the quiz.

Ding-ding. And after an amazing Round Four,

I would like to give you a bonus 30 points

for "Miss Williams won the toss and has elected to serve,"

but you don't need them, because looking at the final scores,

the winners with 21 points are the Royal III.

-Very well done.

-But the excellent close runners up with 17 points,

-it's the BBC. Well done to you too.

-Well done. Excellent, well played.

Thank you all so much for coming

and giving your time to our charity enterprise

and thank you for watching and for making a donation.

If you haven't given any money, you've basically stolen a quiz.

If you have given some money,

none of the world's problems is your fault.

It's as simple as that.

Goodbye.