Europhiles v Relatives Only Connect

Hello. Are you lost? Come in.

Come into this weird little room.

We're going to play a game called Only Connect.

I'm going to ask some questions and you won't know any of the answers.

But that's OK. There are no prizes, I can't hear you

and consciousness is finite, so nothing matters anyway.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right - Douglas Thompson,

an Oxford English graduate who can name every king and queen

of the British monarchy and was once caught up in a Turkish rebellion.

Khuram Rashid, an English and drama graduate

who is attempting to break a world record

by travelling through every London Tube station

in the fastest possible time.

And their captain, Mark Seager,

a modern languages graduate who once scored minus 200%

on an exam he sat on a student exchange programme in Belgium.

United by their passion for all things European,

they are the Europhiles.

So, Mark, what's your favourite thing about Europe?

I think the fact that you've got so many countries in a relatively small

area that have all got very diverse sort of cultures and things going on.

And what are the main diversities between, say,

Belgium and Luxembourg?

I've not made it to Luxembourg yet, so I wouldn't be able to comment.

Although I did once have a Luxembourgeoise housemate

-and she said it was basically just an extension of Belgium.

-Excellent.

And the first time "Luxembourgeoise" has been said on the show,

-so congratulations for that.

-Really?

Good luck tonight.

You will be facing, on my left, Hamish Galloway,

a Cambridge maths graduate and fellow of

the Institute and Faculty of Actuaries,

who came second in a national maths competition at the age of 15.

Nick Latham, an Arsenal supporter who enjoys live music

and once attended 40 gigs in one year.

And their captain, Davina Galloway,

a civil servant and magistrate who met her

husband Hamish at a music quiz and was once bitten by a scorpion.

United by their DNA, they are the Relatives.

Although I am hoping that Mr and Mrs Galloway aren't united by their DNA.

-Tell us, Davina, how you are all related.

-Nicholas is my son.

I'm the only person that calls him Nicholas, but Nicholas is my son

and Hamish is my husband.

And do you think we will be seeing family bickering tonight?

-Absolutely.

-I'll look forward to that. Let's start the quiz.

In Round One, I simply want to know what is the connection

between four apparently random clues, but the fewer clues the teams

need to see before getting the right answer, the more points they get.

Relatives, you won the toss so you'll be going first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

Twisted Flax, please.

Twisted Flax.

What is the connection between these clues?

Here's the first.

-Take next.

-Next, please.

A tub of Vitalite.

THEY CONFER

-Take the next one.

-Next, please.

"Nuclear power? No thanks." So that's a symbol with the...

THEY CONFER

Next, please.

Flag of Argentina.

THEY CONFER

Five seconds.

A circle. Things in a circle.

BELL

They've got circles in the middle of them.

That's not the answer, I'm afraid,

so I'll go to the Europhiles

for a possible bonus point.

Do they all have the sun on them?

Or depictions of the sun.

They have pictures of the sun

with a face on it.

They all have that.

But they do all feature the sun, yes. The Teletubbies do.

A tub of Vitalite has got the sun

with a pair of sunglasses, I think.

As John Finnemore would say,

to protect it from what? Itself?

And "Nuclear power? No thanks"

was a badge, wasn't it?

With the sun. It said that on it.

The flag of Argentina has the sun on some stripes.

So you get the bonus point, Europhiles. And you get the chance

to choose your own hieroglyph.

-Water, please.

-Water.

What is the connection

between these clues?

Here's the first.

New Year: 1am. Anything? Next.

Chinese New Year: 1am.

Something that happens.

It could be time zones.

Different time zones.

I suppose so, yes.

New Year: 1am here would be

back in the Atlantic somewhere. Next.

Diwali: 1am.

I don't know what this is.

Shall we take the next one?

Does anything happen in Diwali?

-I don't know.

-Next.

November: midnight.

Five seconds.

No. We don't know.

Don't know, so a possible

bonus chance for the Relatives now.

It's the latest you're allowed

to let off fireworks in the UK.

That is it. That is when the

letting off of fireworks must stop.

It's the moment when the fun stops

on all those

firework-friendly occasions.

You get the bonus, Relatives,

and you may now choose a question.

-Eye of Horus, please.

-OK.

What connects these clues?

The time starts now.

That's a sort of "b" symbol.

-Next.

-Next, please.

I have no idea what that is.

So I would take another one.

Next, please.

Hugh Laurie's sporting prize.

He was a rower in the boat race.

But...

Is that...he got his oars? I imagine he got an oar.

Whether that fits in with anything else, I don't know.

-Take the next one.

-Next, please.

-Rare steak. Blue.

-Five seconds.

So you've got blue. It's blue.

BELL

We think they're all blue.

The answer is blue.

Yes, Hugh Laurie got a blue

for rowing when he was at Cambridge.

Rare steak is known as blue.

A blue note is flattened.

And what about the second one?

-Polyommatus icarus.

-No idea.

It's the common blue butterfly.

They are all blue, so well done. And, Europhiles, it's your turn.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

CHIME

The music question.

You'll be shouting, "Next,"

when you want to hear

the next clue this time.

Here's the first.

# I'll do graffiti if you sing to me in French. #

This is Maximo Park.

It's called Graffiti. Next, please.

MUSIC: "Ace Of Spades" by Motorhead

That's... It's umlauts. It's umlauts.

There's one above the I in Maximo.

OK.

BELL

These acts all have

an umlaut in their name.

That's absolutely right.

Coming in after two clues,

you get three points.

Gratuitous umlauts.

You heard, I think you said,

Maximo Park and Motorhead.

You would have heard

Blue Oyster Cult,

or perhaps Oe-yster Cult,

and the last one would have been Spinal Tap.

Back to you, Relatives, for a choice.

A Horned Viper, please.

Horned Viper.

This is the picture question,

so you'll be seeing pictures.

What connects them? Here's the first.

Right, I don't know what that is.

Next, please.

That's the computer that took on people on Jeopardy.

But what it's called, I don't know.

-Go for next.

-Next, please.

That's Lucy Liu.

She's Watson in Elementary.

-Try it again then.

-Next, please.

-Oh, it's Watson.

-It is Watson. Yeah, take it.

BELL

Watson.

The answer is Watson.

Yes, that Emma Watson in the last picture.

And you recognised Lucy Liu playing

Dr Joan Watson in Elementary.

A revolutionary feminist move.

They actually cast a woman

to play the...submissive assistant.

And the second one, Watson is the name, of course,

of the computer quiz contestant who played on Jeopardy.

They brought that computer in to try

Only Connect. It simply exploded.

Do you want to have a guess now

-at the first one?

-I was wondering

whether it was Crick and Watson.

But something to do with the DNA.

You're basically right.

It's the base pair.

The Watson and Crick base pair.

It is named after those people. So very well done.

And one question remains. It'll be

the Lion for you, Europhiles.

Your time starts now.

Croatian tennis player. Next.

The UAE. Don't know how that connects with Goran...

It's in seven parts, isn't it?

-He doesn't.

-He doesn't, no.

Next.

Unimaginative. Oh.

Goran was sometimes called Boring Goran.

I don't know how that connects with the UAE.

Next.

Verisimilitude.

-OK, so real appearance.

-Five seconds.

No? No.

Don't know it. So it's the last

bonus chance of the round.

Have they got either asteroids

or maybe people who are magicians

in the middle of their names, hidden in the middle of their names?

No, they haven't. But next series

we are definitely going to construct

that question. No, now,

it is to do with the words. So you

were right to look for that, Hamish.

With this question,

as the poet Yeats would say,

a terrible beauty is born.

If you look at them, you will see

they all alternate

vowels and consonants.

The name of Goran Ivanisevic

and the United Arab Emirates

and the words unimaginative

and verisimilitude -

vowels and consonants

one after another.

At the end of Round One, then,

the Relatives have three points,

the Europhiles have four.

In Round Two, there are sequences and this time the teams may

see only three clues, because I want to know what comes fourth.

Relatives, you'll be going first again.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

Eye of Horus, please.

OK, you'll be seeing the first of a sequence.

I want to know what would come fourth. Time starts now.

Beijing 2000.

-The Olympics?

-Well, no, no,

that's one of the Olympics. Go next.

Next, please.

Rome 2004.

THEY CONFER

Rome hasn't been an Olympic city.

-It's not World Cup.

-Next, please.

It isn't Commonwealth Games.

What happens in four-year intervals as well?

G7 conference 2012.

THEY CONFER

Five seconds.

Take 2012 London.

BELL

2012 and London.

Not the answer, I'm afraid.

You could get a bonus, Europhiles.

It's the...

Sochi

20... 2014.

That's wrong on many counts.

No, the answer is Paris 2012.

It is to do with the Olympic Games.

But it's the places

that came second in the bids.

So, in 2012, Paris came second.

The winner was, of course, London.

So, no points there but, Europhiles,

you may choose a question.

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds.

What would come fourth in this sequence?

And they're going to be picture clues. Here's the first.

That's... That's Laa-Laa.

OK. Next.

Is that a quarry or a...?

THEY CONFER

Next.

That...

-Oh. Hawaii is H-A.

-Yes.

THEY CONFER

So it's L, H, I, J, K, L.

Oh, no, so it's H-A, J-A...

-Five seconds.

-..L-A.

F-A.

BELL

The musical note "fa".

Not the right answer, I'm afraid.

Bonus chance for the Relatives.

Do we have anything?

-Musical note "ti" then?

-"Ti".

That's not it either.

Now, I'm going to tell you I would

have accepted the answer kangaroo.

And you're going to think that you're right,

it's about the beginnings of the words, but it's not.

It's about the ends of the words.

Laa-Laa ends in a double A.

Double A, double E, double I, double O.

What's in the second picture?

-I'm not sure.

-Scree.

Yes, it's some scree.

Ending in a double E.

Hawaii in a double I.

And I needed something that

finished with a double O,

for example, kangaroo.

Relatives, it's your turn again.

What would you like?

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

What would be the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Kings.

Next, these.

It must be people's names.

J-H. So E-R-G. Anybody?

J-H. Anybody?

Next, please.

Leonard James... Who is...? Is that the names of...

the Blair children?

The Leonard one is the youngest one, isn't the?

THEY CONFER

Three seconds.

BELL

Hamish to answer.

No, we have nothing.

Nothing. OK.

A chance for you then, Europhiles.

Charles Andrew Edward.

That's not it.

The answer is Margaret Hilda.

Why is it Margaret Hilda?

-Middle names of...

-Full names of...

Prime Ministers.

Yes, now, here's the fiendish thing.

Edward Richard George,

those are the names of...

-Ted Heath.

-..Ted Heath.

James Harold is Harold Wilson.

Leonard James is James Callaghan

and next would be

Margaret Hilda Thatcher.

It's a very strange thing that,

of the six Labour Prime Ministers there have been,

three of them have had

the first name James,

but none of them used it.

The only one that was called James, James Callaghan,

is actually called Leonard.

Europhiles, it's your turn.

Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

He was Children's Laureate.

Next.

Anthony Browne. Oh, they're all Children's...

It's Malorie Blackman now, isn't it?

BELL

Malorie Blackman.

Coming in after two clues,

you get three points.

The answer is Malorie Blackman.

And why is that?

They are the four most recent holders

of the children's Laureate position.

That's right. And the current

Children's Laureate, Malorie Blackman,

would be next in the sequence. Well done.

Back to you, Relatives.

The last choice of the round.

-Water, please.

-OK.

What would be the fourth in the Water question?

Here's the first.

-Guanaco. Next.

-Next, please.

THEY CONFER

How are they in order?

-Take next.

-Next, please.

-Dromedary. How many...?

-Humps.

Bactrian would normally be

the next one but why would they...?

Dromedary has got one hump.

Why would bactrian having two humps be next in the sequence?

-Would it be something with no humps then?

-Something with no humps?

How many humps does a llama have?

It's got to be bactrian, surely.

-Five seconds.

-Yeah, go for bactrian.

BELL

Bactrian.

The answer is bactrian camel.

But you don't know why.

You don't know the sequence.

I thought that the dromedary had one hump and the bactrian had two,

which would mean the guanaco had minus one...

which seems somewhat unlikely.

Yes, no, it is simply size.

They are all camels,

or at least all of the family

camelidae,

and we are going up in size.

So, bigger than a dromedary,

a bactrian camel.

I suppose its extra hump

adds to its size.

I'm not sure how they calculated it.

But, you know, this is a very careful show.

I'm sure our question editor was out with the tape measure,

going round the humps, and the answer is bactrian camel.

OK, Europhiles,

only the Lion remains.

That'll be for you.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Oh, is it going to be

World Footballer Of The Year?

Next.

Oh, it is. It's World Footballer Of The Year.

THEY CONFER

Messi? Who is the guy who won it just recently?

I have no idea.

The only one I can think of is Messi,

who's won it recently.

I think he was last year.

Shall we go for that?

THEY CONFER

Shall we go for that?

BELL

Lionel Messi.

I'm afraid that would

not work as a sequence.

So, I'll show the third clue

to the Relatives.

I'm quite happy to say it's a fellow Welshman. It's Gareth Bale.

It is local Cardiff boy Gareth Bale.

Quite right.

-Can you explain why that is?

-Yes.

It's the most expensive players in the world.

Zidane was 50 million, Kaka was 58 million,

Ronaldo was 80 million and Gareth Bale is 86.5 million.

You're pretty close on the numbers.

It is record breakers

for the transfer fee.

Each one of them broke the record.

Zidane, apparently 46.6 million

was the fee and

Gareth Bale, 85.3 million.

What does he do for that?

Can he juggle?

He's just very good at scoring goals.

OK. Well, worth every penny.

85.3 million. Gareth Bale is the right answer. Well done.

That means at the end of Round Two, the Relatives have six points,

the Europhiles have seven.

Time for the Connecting Wall.

This time we have four groups of four connected clues,

but they're all jumbled up.

So, it's a blizzard of 16 that the teams have to sort

back into those neat groups.

You will be going first this time, Europhiles. Lion or Water.

Lion, please.

OK, you have two and a half minutes to solve the Lion wall.

Starting now.

Right, OK. Downton. Presumably Downton Abbey.

Is there any other Abbeys here?

Possibly not.

-OK.

-Gotham City.

-Oh, Gotham City.

-Sin City.

Sin City. Emerald City.

Cloud city.

BUZZER

These are... Princess City?

Dark City?

Dark City? That's the one I just picked, isn't it?

BUZZER

I'll try it with those.

THEY CONFER

I think pear, dark and blonde other types of beer or ale or something.

Oh, yeah. Pear, blonde, dark and...

THEY CONFER

BUZZER

Oh, yeah.

Pear, dark, blonde...

emerald? Oh, Cloud. Yes.

BUZZER No.

THEY CONFER

That's me. I don't think it's me there.

Hill. What else? Princess.

Chantilly. Chantilly cream.

Chantilly. Chantilly.

What's that song? Chantilly Lace.

About halfway through.

THEY CONFER

Pear, pear, pear, pear.

Jam. Jam jar.

Sin.

Oh, dear.

-OK. Downton. What can be other than Abbey?

-No idea.

Emerald. Emerald Abbey.

Princess Abbey?

BUZZER

-No. OK. Pear.

-The Oval.

-Cricket grounds, maybe?

Shall we try the cities again?

Gotham City, Dark City.

Cloud, no, Emerald City.

THEY CONFER

30 seconds.

OK. Pear City.

BUZZER

Oval City?

BUZZER

OK.

Cushion. Pin cushion?

Things you sit on.

Ten seconds now.

Hill. Jam. Dark.

I'm just reading them out now.

Cloud. That's like data storage.

That's it, I'm afraid.

Time is up and the wall has frozen.

It is a particularly horrid wall

but there are still plenty of points available for the connections.

So, let's resolve the wall.

OK, the first group.

I don't know if it fits all of them,

but can they all be preceded with strawberry?

Yes, they can.

What about the next one?

It could be lace because there is Chantilly lace.

I do need to press you for an answer.

-Lace.

-They are types of lace.

What about the next one?

-Are they shapes of jewellery?

-I think I'll take it.

Because they are cuts for jewellery.

Specifically of the stone, a diamond would be cushion cut or pear cut.

But that is a cut of the stone for the sake of jewellery.

So I'll accept it.

And the last one?

-Fictional cities.

-Called something city?

They are fictional cities.

They are all fictional places called that city.

They are fictional cities.

You kept putting Emerald in the group. You never had those four.

So, you got no points, I'm afraid, for finding the groups but you did

get four points for the connections so that is a total of four.

Time to bring back the Relatives and see

if we can break up their happy family dynamic with a horrible wall.

You're going to get the Water wall.

And you've got two and a half minutes to solve it. Starting now.

Einstein a Go-Go.

What else have we got?

Psion is a computer.

Paladin, no?

Psion and Mac and Wizard are computers.

-PowerBook?

-Try it.

-BUZZER

-What else have we got?

-Give me another one.

-I don't know.

Let's try something else.

Monk, priest, paladin,

aren't they all religious?

Monk, priest. Where are you going on that, Nicholas?

BUZZER

Priest, paladin, monk and...

Take something else off there.

BUZZER

The only one I know is Rick Waller.

Any other Ricks that you've got there?

Mona Lisa. Lisa Simpson. There's no more Simpsons out there, are there?

Performa must be a computer.

PowerBook.

BUZZER

BUZZER

THEY CONFER

Newton, Einstein, Monk.

That's what you're looking for, isn't it?

What are the Wallers? Rick Waller.

Amanda Waller.

THEY CONFER

Think about this logically.

-BUZZER

-Let's try some of these.

BUZZER

You've got a minute left.

BUZZER

What about Pussy Galore? Someone a Go-Go from James Bond or something.

BUZZER

BUZZER

THEY CONFER

BUZZER

THEY CONFER

30 seconds now.

There's Judas Priest, there's...

Whisky Mac, Whisky Galore, Whisky...

Whisky a Go-Go.

BUZZER

I'll try that with...

BUZZER

BUZZER

Five seconds now.

BUZZER

And that's it. The time is up.

The horrible wall has won your first encounter, but plenty of points

available for the connections in the groups you didn't find.

Let's see if you can spot them. So, let's resolve the wall.

OK.

They're piano players. Jazz players like Fats Waller...

That is another Waller. Fats Waller. Jazz pianists.

Thelonious Monk, Art Tatum, Oscar Peterson and Fats Waller.

And the next one.

We'll go with computer... Old brands of computer.

They're not all brands of computer.

Now, I wonder if any of our viewers have any idea what this might be.

Its Dungeons and Dragons and fantasy gaming.

They are characters you can choose in fantasy games to play.

That was that one.

OK, what about the next one?

-I'm thinking...

-Whisky.

-Yeah. Whisky. Go for whisky.

The answer is whisky. It's priest you weren't familiar with.

It's a term coined by Graham Greene to mean a priest who...you know,

of rather weak moral character, but preaches otherwise.

A whisky priest.

And the last one.

-Apples. Apples. To do with Apple.

-That is what it is.

They are former Apple products. That's what it was.

So, unfortunately, no points for finding the groups,

but you do get three points for the connections.

Let's see what that does to the scores, going into Round Four.

The Relatives have nine points.

The Europhiles have 11.

And if you could have solved those walls for ten points each,

why not have a go on our website,

where you will find plenty you can play

or even write your own?

We are going to play the Missing Vowels round.

Fingers on buzzers.

The first group of four clues

are all cities in Japan.

-BELL

-Europhiles.

Yokohama.

Correct.

BELL

Sapporo.

Correct.

-BELL

-Europhiles.

Nagasaki.

Yes.

Don't know this one.

It's Funabashi.

The next group are all

euphemisms for "go to the lavatory".

-BELL

-Relatives.

Powder one's nose.

Correct.

-BELL

-Europhiles.

Visit the little boy's room.

Correct.

-BELL

-Relatives.

Use the facilities.

Correct.

-BELL

-Europhiles.

See a man about a dog.

And that's the end of that lovely group.

Next category are all scarf wearers.

-BELL

-Relatives.

-The Snowman.

-Correct.

-BELL

-Europhiles.

The fourth Doctor.

Tom Baker, of course.

-BELL

-Relatives.

Penelope Pitstop.

Yes.

-BELL

-Relatives.

Isadora Duncan.

That's right.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

That is the end of the quiz and, looking at the final scores,

the Relatives have 14 points

and the Europhiles have 17.

Europhiles, well done. You're straight through to the next round.

Relatives, you're not out.

You get another chance later in the series. So good luck with that.

And that's the end of the quiz.

We're going to leave the Europhiles to celebrate

and the Relatives to lick their wounds,

which I can guarantee will be tastier than

the vol-au-vents on offer in the green room.

And, on that revolting note, goodbye.