Comic Relief Special Pointless Celebrities

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Hello. I'm Alexander Armstrong,

and a very warm welcome to a special Comic Relief edition of Pointless Celebrities,

the quiz show where the lowest scorers are the biggest winners.

Let's meet today's Pointless celebrities.

-And couple number one.

-Uh...hello. I'm David. This is Andi.

-Hi.

I'm an actor and a comedian, and I don't normally feel quite this short.

-Sorry about the heels! We're also recently separated conjoined twins.

-Identical.

So we need people to know that.

-To be aware of that. Very good.

-We're still healing.

-Couple number two.

-I'm Paul. This is Charlie.

We are comedians, but we can't think of anything funny to say.

Apart from the fact that he's got the norovirus.

LAUGHTER

Couple number three.

Hello. I'm Ben, and I used to be in a comedy double act.

LAUGHTER

That's debatable.

He's gone up in the world, because now he's got me - Danny John-Jules.

And couple number four.

My name's Ed. I don't have the norovirus. I have the opposite of whatever the norovirus is,

because there's nothing coming out this end at all.

I'm Shappi, and I...I'm all right. I'm pregnant, but apart from that, I'm all right.

Brilliant. And these, ladies and gentlemen, are today's contestants.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you all very much indeed. We'll be finding out more about all of you throughout the show.

There's only one person left for me to introduce. Fighting fallacy like a shirtless drunk in a pub car park,

-it's my Pointless friend. It's Richard.

-Hi.

APPLAUSE

Hi.

-I've got to say I'm very, very excited about today's episode of Pointless.

-Yeah.

-Because Ben Miller is here.

-Yes.

-Oh, I'm a fan of Ben Miller.

-I know you are.

-Um, you used to do a show with Ben Miller, right?

-I did, yes.

-What was it called?

-Armstrong And Miller.

-Terrific. Because I used to watch it.

I'm honestly a fan.

But Ben...if I'm brutally frank with you, I mainly watched it for Ben,

because I like the comedy bits.

I like your bit, because you did the sort of slightly dour straight-man stuff.

You know, "Oh, God, this is a bit depressing,"

then Ben comes along... Boom, boom, punchline, punchline. Smashing it into the net.

And then you think... When Ben does something, I'm laughing, just doubled up like that.

And then I get a minute and a half where I can relax, cos you're on and you're doing something like...

And you think, "Here he is, like the comedy Grim Reaper."

That's me! That was... Yeah.

APPLAUSE

-They know it's true.

-Traditional comedy Grim Reaper round of applause.

I have to say, Richard, I do love your bits on this show.

You know, the truth is, he makes it so easy.

He leaves so much comic space.

Listen, listen, listen.

I'm going to bring this to a sorry end.

All our questions on Pointless have been put to 100 people before the show.

Our contestants need to find the obscure answers those 100 people didn't get.

Everyone's trying to find a pointless answer that none of our 100 people gave.

Each time that happens, we will add 250 quid to the jackpot.

As today's show is a Comic Relief special, we start off with a jackpot of £5,000. There we are.

It's a lot more than normal.

Oh, yes!

OK, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

In this first round, I will take an answer from each of you, but there is to be no conferring.

And we really do mean that. No conferring at all.

Whichever pair has the highest score at the end of the round

will be eliminated. Make sure that's not you.

OK, our first category today is...

Soundtracks.

It's Soundtracks. Can you all decide who's going to go first and who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many official Bond theme songs as they could.

-Official Bond theme songs. Richard.

-We're looking for the title of any song

that's been the official theme song to an official James Bond movie.

So any song played over the opening credits of any official James Bond movie, please.

Very best of luck to everybody.

You'd want to have one of Britain's leading James Bond experts on your team in this round.

-Yeah, wouldn't you, yeah?

-Is that me?

-Well, you've certainly got one on your team.

-Oh, right, thanks.

-Thanks very much. Andi, you're up first.

-Yeah.

-How are you, Andi?

-Yeah, I'm all right. This is a tricky one, isn't it?

-Are they all tricky?

-Quite tricky.

Yeah. It's not too bad, though, is it? Did David volunteer you to go first?

-He sort of stepped over there.

-I stepped very quickly out the way.

-OK.

-He sort of dodged the bullet rather than, like, elected me!

-I have confidence in you.

-Thanks, babes.

Um...I tell you what I want to say, but I can't remember what it's called.

Um...it's the one with Duran Duran.

Um...and I think it's either called Licence...

No! View To A Kill.

View To A Kill, says Andi. View To A Kill. Shall we see if that's right,

and if it is, how many people said View To A Kill?

It's right.

It's still going down, Andi.

That's a great answer. Look at that - 16!

-Good!

-This is a great score, Andi.

-OK.

-16 people said A View To A Kill.

Well played, Andi. Good start. Reached Number Two in 1985, and it was the theme tune to...?

-A View To A Kill.

-Yeah.

-You see what they did there?

-The clue's in the name, isn't it?

-In that one, yeah.

-There we are.

Excellent. Thank you very much indeed. Now, Charlie, you're an author these days, really.

Yes, I'm one of Britain's top authors.

PAUL GUFFAWS

Yeah, you are, you are!

Anyway, Charlie, we're looking for the titles of any official Bond themes.

-You're going to have a great answer for this, I'm absolutely sure.

-You'd better.

Well, no... I mean... No...

I wish you hadn't done this, because I could look really stupid if we go out in the first round.

-With themes, that's fine.

-I'll go for On An All Time High.

On An All Time High.

-Oh!

-Says Charlie.

-Oh!

-On An All Time High. Let's see if that's right,

and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said On An All Time High.

Oh, it's right.

It's right. Oh, it's going to be a good one, I think, Charlie.

Wind it right down!

It's pointless!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Well done, Charlie.

-It's pointless.

Charlie Higson has found a pointless answer. Only the second answer of the show.

It adds £250 to today's jackpot, takes the total up to £5,250 and it scores you nothing. Very well done.

Can I just apologise here for letting Charlie down in any other round now, OK?

I'm really sorry. Well done.

-Very well played, Charlie. That was the theme tune to...?

-Octopussy.

-Absolutely right.

-It was a huge Number 75 hit for Rita Coolidge.

-Rita Coolidge!

That's some proper Bond knowledge from Charlie.

Charlie's been very coy. His Young Bond novels are brilliant.

-They are.

-Genuinely. If you've got any teenage daughters or sons, they're absolutely fantastic.

They're quite enjoyable even if you're not a teenager.

Oh, no, they're terrible if you're not a teenager. Have you read them?

LAUGHTER

Ben. Ben, welcome to Pointless. How brilliant to have you here.

It's lovely to be here, I have to say. Slightly surreal.

-This is weird! Do you think?

-A little bit.

Are you feeling...? Does it feel awkward, sort of...?

I feel like I've slightly walked in on you.

But in a good way.

Cos I'm going to join in.

-Now then, Ben - Bond.

-Oh, I just...

I don't know. I mean, I feel like... Slim pickings, I feel.

Because I was obviously going to choose one of those two.

However, I'm going to trust...put my faith in A-ha.

Um...

And I'm going to say...

-The Living Daylights.

-Living Daylights, says Ben.

Living Daylights. Let's see if that's right, and if it is,

let's see how many of our 100 said Living Daylights.

It's absolutely right. 16 our high score, zero our low score.

Oh, smashing through that... Exactly halfway between.

APPLAUSE

You've bisected the score, Ben, with 8.

-The Living Daylights.

-Very well played, Ben.

From 1987, as you say, A-ha.

So, we come to you, Shappi.

-Welcome to Pointless, by the way. Lovely to have you here.

-Thank you.

So, any official Bond themes, that's what we're after.

I think I'm going to go for Adele's one,

# When the sky faaaalls And it crum-bllllles... #

-That's the full title, isn't it?

-Lovely.

-Go on, give us the full title.

-# Someone like yoooou... #

What is the title, actually?

-Sky...fall.

-Skyfall. Skyfall, says Shappi.

Let's see if that's right, and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Skyfall.

-100?!

-It's absolutely right.

16... Ah, there we are.

APPLAUSE

39.

-39 for Skyfall - quite a high one.

-Well played, Shappi.

High score but a correct answer. Much better than getting 100.

We're halfway through the round. I'll do a brief recap of the scores.

The very best score on that pass was Charlie's - nothing - up to 8,

where we find Ben and Danny,

16, where we find Andi and David,

then 39, where Shappi and Ed are to be found.

So, Ed, luckily I know you've got a good, low-scoring Bond theme somewhere there.

We have to hope that's enough to keep you in the game. We'll come back down the line.

Can the second players please take their places at the podium?

So, we are looking for the title of any official Bond theme song.

Ed, welcome back. Listen, what happened last time you were on the show?

I got to the Head To Head with Lucy Porter.

Then...Hot Gossip were not a dance troupe on Top Of The Pops, so we were bounced out.

Now, Ed, you're the high scorers. We need a brilliant answer from you.

I'm hoping it'll be a good one, cos it's not the name of the film.

-But...

-See how well it did for Charlie.

-Yeah.

You Know My Name.

It was one Chris Cornell did for Casino Royale.

-You Know My Name.

-Yeah.

-It's actually a really good song.

-Oh, he's really good.

-PAUL:

-Nul points, mate.

There's no red line for you, Ed, because you're the high scorers.

Let's see. You Know My Name. Is it right? How many people said it if it is?

It's right, Ed.

Oh, 4!

APPLAUSE

Second best answer so far, Ed. Takes your score up to 43.

That's a terrific answer, Ed. Very well played. Puts the pressure right back on everyone else.

-Chris Cornell, ex-lead singer of Sound Garden. Number Seven hit with that.

-Brilliant.

Now...Danny.

Danny John-Jules, good to have you here.

What we need from you, Danny, is a really good low score.

The high scorers on 43 are Ed and Shappi.

If you can score 34 or less, you're through to the next round.

I've got a choice of two that I know. Mmm.

Goldfinger, Shirley Bassey.

I was just about to say, "Try and go for one that doesn't share its name with the film."

But there we are!

I didn't say that.

-You've gone Goldfinger by Shirley Bassey.

-There was two, but they're kind of both...

names of the film.

Well, there is your red line. If you go below that red line, through you go.

Goldfinger. Let's see how many people didn't say that.

Aaargh!

It's not bad... Oh, 56.

APPLAUSE

56 takes your total up to 64, Danny.

You're now the high scorers by a bit.

It's quite a big score, Danny. It wasn't even a Top 20 hit in the UK.

-Really?

-No.

-What - people just didn't like it?

-I think they did. It's become a classic over the years.

It was her only ever Top 40 hit in America.

There we are. Right, OK. Now then, Paul, what about that? You're 63 points behind the high scorers.

-Is that good?

-Very good. If you can score 63 or less, you're in the next round.

OK. Well, I'll go on the principle of choosing the song that's not the same as the title.

And I'll go for Nobody Does It Better.

Very good indeed, Paul. That's the one I would have gone for.

Nobody Does It Better. There's your red line. You get below that, you're in Round Two. Nobody Does It Better.

How many people said that?

It's right.

And you're through.

Go on! Down there.

11.

APPLAUSE

Very well done indeed, Paul. 11, gives you a total of 11.

-Well played, Paul. Paul and Charlie are going to be good, aren't they?

-Yeah.

-That's safe to say.

It was the theme tune to The Spy Who Loved Me, of course, by Carly Simon.

There we are. Now, David, the high scorers are Danny and Ben on 64.

You're on 16. 47 or less will see you through to the next round.

-Right, OK.

-That's the kind of obscurity level.

Only one thing has scored more than 47, and that was Goldfinger.

Is this a Bond film...? A song...? GoldenEye?

If you get below that red line, you are through to Round Two.

GoldenEye. Will it get you there, David?

I don't know. We'll see.

-PAUL:

-That's the point of the show, really, innit?

-That's the nature of the game.

We can all go home now.

-It's absolutely right, David.

-Come on!

-Is it going to get you through?

It's got you through! Look at that.

Down it goes... 17.

APPLAUSE

17 takes your total up to 33.

-Richard.

-GoldenEye - a very good answer. Tina Turner, and the theme to GoldenEye.

-That's got to be one of the worst Bond songs.

-Pretty awful.

Is there one called Another Way To Die?

There IS one called Another Way To Die. That would've been a terrific answer.

That's the only one left not named after the film.

The theme to Quantum Of Solace. Jack White and Alicia Keys. Would have scored one point.

There are two pointless answers up here.

We've already heard All Time High from Charlie.

The other one is John Barry Orchestra - On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

That would have been a pointless answer.

Another Way To Die would have scored 1 point. Tomorrow Never Dies would have scored 1 point too.

The World Is Not Enough would've scored 2. You Know My Name, 4 - we've heard that.

Moonraker, 5. Let's look at the three highest scorers.

We'll recognise a couple. Shappi gave us Skyfall, 39.

And second was Diamonds Are Forever, 43.

And Danny - right up the top there. Goldfinger, with 56.

Well, thanks very much indeed, Richard.

So at the end of our first round,

the losing pair with their high score of 64 -

it's not that high a score -

but everyone else scored hardly anything.

Are you pleased that Ben's new partner got the biggest score and got them knocked out?

-Are you secretly a bit pleased?

-I'm not, actually.

Afterwards, will you be going, "No, I liked him. He was a lovely guy, but...Goldfinger?!"

Well, there we are. Danny, Ben, I'm really sorry but we have to say goodbye. It's ridiculous!

-Oh, man!

-Such a waste. We've got you here and now we send you away.

I'm so sorry, but Goldfinger did it for you.

As they say on talent shows, thank you for the opportunity.

Danny and Ben, thanks very much for playing - brilliant contestants!

-Thank you!

-Bye, everyone!

But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

No, Comic Relief cash transforms the lives of vulnerable people

both here in the UK and across Africa.

If you'd like to make a donation,

or find out more about how to get involved in Red Nose Day,

just go to the website...

Sadly, at the end of this round, another pair will have to leave us.

It all gets more competitive this round.

Yes! Charlie and Paul looking very pleased with themselves after that round.

Lovely low score of 11.

But the others are just as determined. Oh, yes! All to play for.

Best of luck to all three pairs.

Our category for Round Two is...

Novels.

Can you all decide who's going to go first, who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK. And the question concerns...

Book plots.

Book plots, Richard.

On each pass, we'll show you the condensed plot of six books.

You just need to tell us the name of that book, please.

If it's part of a trilogy, just give us the first in that trilogy.

So, six condensed book plots - tell us the name of the books.

12 in all to have a go at at home. Good luck.

Let's reveal our six book plots. Here they come. We have got...

I'll read those all again one last time, without the dates.

There we are. Six book plots

condensed into a handful of words.

-David.

-Hello.

David, what do you think of that?

I think it's interesting and would make a good round in a quiz show.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm frustrated because I know five of them,

and the one I don't know is the hard one,

and that... So, which out of the five that are fairly obvious

would be...?

Am I condescending? Does that sound patronising?

Fairly obvious?! To me, mate!

All right, good. Um...

Er... Oh!

Um...

I'll go for The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, says David.

-Which one?

-The Pevensies.

The Pevensies. There we are.

David says The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

Let's see if that's right, and if it is, how many people said that.

It's right.

36.

I don't think that's a bad score, David.

36 for The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

Written by CS Lewis, of course.

-There we are. Now, Charlie.

-Yeah.

-Charlie.

-I'm with David that, yes, some of them are

more obvious that others. I'm going to take a punt.

I'm not convinced...not 100% sure,

but I'm going to go for the "Someone killed Wellington".

I'm going to say...

The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time.

The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time, says Charlie

for "Someone killed Wellington".

Let's see if that's right, and if it is,

let's see how many people said The Curious Incident...etc.

It's a punt, but it's correct.

36 our low score at the moment.

Stormed through that.

Look at that, Charlie! Well done. 2.

APPLAUSE

-That's a cracking score - 2 for The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time.

-Isn't Charlie good?

-Isn't Charlie good, Paul?

-Very good.

I mean, he's a joy, really. I'm surfing on his coat-tails.

But he's done that for years with me and comedy.

-So it's finally payback, right?

-Yeah.

Absolutely right. Very good answer,

Wellington being the dog in question. Written by Mark Haddon.

-A terrific book, if you've never read it.

-Now, Shappi...

You're the last person to have this board, so you can talk us through it, if you like.

All right. Well, I'm going to just go... I'm going to do

what I did with Dr Who...not Dr Who! James Bond.

..and just go for something I know a lot of people would think

but at least it won't be 100 cos I've got it wrong.

And I reckon...

sadly...

less people would know that the second one is Alice In Wonderland.

So that is the one you're going to go for?

-I believe so.

-Shappi's going to say Alice In Wonderland

for "Alice falls down rabbit hole".

Let's see if that's right, and if it is,

how many people said Alice In Wonderland.

It's right.

36 was our high score. 75 now is.

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

-Ooh, that's high.

-That is high.

It was actually published under the title

Alice's Adventures In Wonderland.

It gives Ed an awful lot to do, but if anyone can do it, it's Ed, I suspect.

Let's go through the rest of these. The top one is actually a very low scorer.

I suspect a lot of people said Lord Of The Rings.

And it's The Hobbit.

It would only have scored 11 points.

Ah!

"Bella meets a vampire called Edward" is, of course, Twilight.

That would have scored you 40.

And "Tess loves Angel, Alec wants Tess, Tess kills Alec" -

-the clue's in the...

-It is indeed.

-Tess Of The D'Urbervilles.

That would have scored you 4 points - a great answer.

An idiot could have guessed that!

Thanks very much. Halfway through the round, let's take a look at the scores.

Charlie and Paul once again looking fantastically strong.

-I ain't done anything.

-On 2.

Up to 36, where we find David and Andi, then up to 75

Shappi and Ed.

Sorry, can I just have a moment to kick myself?

-Yeah.

-Anyone could have guessed Tess Of The D'Urbervilles

if they'd looked at the date.

-Sorry.

-Can't get through to the Head To Head every time.

-PAUL:

-Casting back to your past glories, Ed?

Ed, you get pick of the first board.

If you get a nice low-scoring answer on that, everything might be fine.

Can the second players please take their places at the podium?

OK, we'll put six more plots on the board.

Our next board reads like this...

I'll read those all one last time.

We're looking for the titles of the novels described by these clues.

And...Ed.

-DAVID:

-As a bloke with a big nose, isn't it "conch", not "conk"?

As I said it the second time, I think it is "conch".

Yes!

I've just always said "conk".

-I'm not going to change now!

-It's back to the playground.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ed.

You've got a bit of a job to do.

The only one I don't know is the Cuthberts.

The 1908 one.

But it's a question of...

which one is the lowest of the rest of them.

Yeah.

I'll go with the boys crashing on an island - Lord Of The Flies.

Lord Of The Flies, says Ed. Let's see if it's right. No red line for you - you're the high scorers.

But how many people said Lord Of The Flies?

It's right.

45.

APPLAUSE

Takes your total up to 120.

Written by William Golding.

Won the 1983 Nobel Prize For Literature as well.

Lord Of The Flies.

OK. There we are. Now, then, Paul.

You're through to the Head To Head, by the way.

-Oh.

-Even if you score 100 points,

you won't overtake Ed and Shappi's high score of 120.

Um...

It's probably very popular, but I'll go for 1984.

-1984.

-It was written in 1948, and he was actually describing

state capitalism as it existed at the time,

at the end of the Second World War.

Not an imagined...er...society in the future.

He was parodying what actually existed at the time.

No extra points for that.

-All right. Which one, Paul?

-The top one.

Top one. Winston. Exactly.

OK. No red line - you're already through.

Is it right? How many people said 1984?

Wow!

13.

APPLAUSE

-13 takes your total to 15.

-Unbelievably low score.

-Isn't it?

-For 1984.

-Ed, did you think about going with that?

-I did.

Everyone I thought would know Room 101, thought crime...

Couple of interesting things about 1984.

It was written in 1948. Actually, it was a parody of state capitalism

as it was at the time.

It wasn't some parable of an imagined future.

He was literally looking at what he could see around him at the time.

Say what you see, George.

I'm slightly surprised Paul didn't mention that.

Andi.

So here are the condensed plots. What are the novels?

OK. I'm going to go for...

Hitchhiker's Guide, because...

I'm guessing that, say if you asked 100 people, 51% of them will be women

on the other one. So they'd all know that one.

Show your thinking, Andi. It's good to know.

I know you want to see my workings-out here.

Yeah, my thinking is Hitchhiker's Guide.

Can I have the full title of the book?

Um... The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - A Trilogy In Four Parts.

There you go. OK.

Just say which one it is so we know...

"Arthur Dent's planet is destroyed."

Arthur Dent. Now, you're on 36. You want to be scoring 83 or less.

All right.

Here's your red line.

Let's find out if that's right,

and how many people said it. Hitchhiker's Guide.

Absolutely right, and you're through. Very well done.

-Oh, yeah.

-30.

APPLAUSE

Takes your total up to 66.

Another low score. Amazingly, Ed,

Lord Of The Flies the biggest scorer on the board. Tough luck for you.

Well, that speaks well for the people of Britain, then.

Let's take a look at the rest of these.

Anastasia Steele meets Christian Grey - that is 50 Shades Of Grey.

That would have scored 37.

I had a call yesterday. They would like you and I to do the audio book.

LAUGHTER

-Who do you want to be - Christian or Anastasia?

-I'll take Anastasia, yeah.

I'll be Christian again.

"Henry has chrono-displacement..." - did you know that one, Ed?

The Time Traveler's Wife.

It is. Would have scored 4 points.

The best answer on the board is a pointless answer.

"The Cuthberts adopt a girl"... Do you know that?

-Is it Secret Garden?

-It's not, but very well done...

-You're useless, Charlie!

-It's in that area.

Not a million miles away. It's Anne Of Green Gables. ALL: Ah!

Very well done if you said that.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

At the end of Round Two, our losing pair, with a high score of 120...

Oh, Ed and Shappi, I'm really sorry. Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry.

We can just blame Shappi for this.

-Yeah!

-It makes it a bit easier, doesn't it?

Ed, we'll have to get you back on.

Shappi, we'll have to get you back on.

"Shappi, we'll never see you again!"

Thank you very much for playing. Ed and Shappi - brilliant contestants!

APPLAUSE

But the two remaining pairs are getting one step closer to the final

and the chance of taking home that jackpot for Comic Relief

as we enter the Head To Head.

Congratulations, Charlie and Paul, Andi and David. You're only one round away from the final

and the chance to play for the jackpot, which currently stands at £5,250.

Obviously, only one pair can play for that money, so we've got to decide which pair it's going to be.

To do that, we're going to go Head To Head.

This time, you are allowed to confer,

and the first pair to win two questions will be playing for the jackpot.

Best of luck to both pairs. Let's play the Head To Head.

Here comes your first question, and it concerns...

Striped world flags.

-Oh!

-We're about to show you five images now of flags of the world.

You just need to tell us which countries they represent, please.

OK, let's reveal our five flags. And here they come.

We have got...

There we are. Five flags. Charlie and Paul,

you've played best throughout the show, so you get to go first.

-Oh, right, OK...

-Oh, dear.

-Neither of us are experts on flags.

Hopeless.

-Go on, you...

-No, you say.

-No, you say it.

-No, cos you know it.

-No...

Aw, it don't work now!

You've broken it.

You've knocked the whole thing off!

Stop!

Just trying to get into the Comic Relief spirit. There we are!

LAUGHTER

-Eh?

-Go for...

-What? Go on, then.

We're going to go for a really awful answer. We're going to go for...

A - Italy.

A - Italy.

A - Italy, say Charlie and Paul.

Andi and David.

Tell us about all these flags.

Give us an answer for each, if you like.

Well, we think that A is actually Ireland.

Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

We think that C is Germany...

E might be... Well, it's either...

France does have those colours, but it might be Holland.

Er...

No idea on B or D.

B and D... B, I think, is... I would say it's a Baltic country,

but I don't know which one.

Er...but I think we should play it safe and go A - Ireland.

You say A - Ireland.

You're rubbing it in, eh?

A - Ireland.

What if it's Italy?!

OK, so Charlie and Paul said Italy for A.

-Let's see if that's right, and if it is, how many people said it.

-Oh, don't!

-CHARLIE:

-Come on, Italy!

No.

It's not Italy.

So, Andi and David, you just have to be correct with the Republic of Ireland.

Let's see if that's right - Ireland.

It's absolutely right. Very well done.

50 people knew that.

But it means, Andi and David,

after one question, you are up 1-0.

-Very well done.

-Can I ask a question?

-Yes, you can.

I just wondered if it was just alliteration on my part, but is D Denmark?

I tell you what, why don't we go through them all?

How about that? A is Republic of Ireland.

The Italian flag is red rather than range.

Anyone got any ideas for B?

-CHARLIE:

-Is it something like the Czech Republic?

-It's something like the Czech Republic.

-Slovakia?

-It's something like Slovakia, as well.

-Slovenia?

-It's something like Slovenia.

-Montenegro.

It's Bulgaria.

ANDI: I was going to say that!

Bulgaria. Alliteration!

And that would have scored you 2.

Exactly - works on that one.

-C - what would you say?

-Germany.

-Germany.

Yeah, Belgium. Well done.

You have to listen, Richard, cos when I say Germany...

It was debatable in 1939.

Now, D - what do we think?

We were thinking it was Denmark.

They're red and white, their football team.

They are red and white, but that's Austria.

That would have scored 9.

-And E? DAVID:

-Is it France?

It is France, yes.

That's what I said.

And that would have scored 60 points.

So the best answer up there is Bulgaria,

but judging by what happened here,

anyone who got any flag at all at home, well played.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard. Here comes your second question.

-Charlie and Paul, you have to win this one to stay in the game.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Best of luck. It concerns...

Comic Relief.

Now, here is somebody who knows much more about Comic Relief than I do

to explain to you what the round involves and what the questions are.

Hello, Xander. Hello, Richard.

Thank you so much for doing this Pointless extravaganza

to raise money for Comic Relief.

All the money will, as usual, go to save and change lives,

so I hope you make as much as possible.

Here are five incredibly important questions

for you to ask, all related to Red Nose Day in some way.

First...

What year was Comic Relief launched live on BBC1?

Second...

Who was the singer who duetted with The Young Ones

on the first ever Comic Relief single in 1986?

Third...

What's the name of the Blue Peter presenter who,

with insane bravery,

tightroped between the twin towers of Battersea Power Station

in 2011?

Next, who was the Hollywood star

who put in a special appearance in the 1999 Red Nose Night special

of The Vicar Of Dibley?

And finally...

This is in many ways the toughest of the five.

Um...what colour is the nose

that is traditionally sold

in order to raise money for Red Nose Day?

I hope you have a fun show.

And we look forward to receiving the money and spending it wisely.

Thank you very much indeed.

APPLAUSE

There we are. Here are those questions again.

There we go.

Five questions about Comic Relief. Andi and David, you go first this time.

-Well...

-Blinking heck.

-Yeah.

-OK, going to... Can I say, rather than...?

-OK.

Um... Well, hope it's right. I think the singer was Cliff Richard.

OK, you're going to say Cliff Richard.

The singer who performed the first Comic Relief single

with The Young Ones in 1986.

Now, Charlie and Paul, what are you going to go for?

Well, we know the colour of the nose,

cos it's the same colour as one of the stripes on the Irish flag.

-We're going to go for the Hollywood actor.

-Are we?

Yes, because he's a very dear friend of ours.

Marvellous! They're all friends of mine.

Wonderful people! Marvellous.

And we think it's...

-We hope it's Johnny Depp.

-Johnny Depp.

-Johnny Depp,

say Charlie and Paul. So we have Cliff Richard and Johnny Depp.

Andi and David say Cliff Richard.

Let's see if that's right, and if it is, how many people said it.

It's absolutely right.

Blimey! 83.

APPLAUSE

83 for Cliff Richard.

Charlie and Paul have gone for Johnny Depp.

Let's see if it's right and let's see how many people said Johnny Depp.

Absolutely right.

And it wins it.

18 for Johnny Depp. Very well done, Charlie and Paul.

Back in the game. It's 1-1.

Charlie and Paul, that was the best answer up there. Best answer you could have given.

The year Comic Relief...

ANDI: Can I have a guess?

You can definitely have a guess.

Was it '87?

If I was to give you another guess, what would you say?

'88?

If I were to say have another guess...?

ANDI: '86?

-1985.

-Correct answer. Well done.

21 points, that would have scored you.

The Blue Peter presenter was Helen Skelton.

Would have scored you 20 points.

And the usual colour of the nose was red. Would have scored you 46...

Would have scored you 100 points.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard. Here comes the third question.

This is the decider. Whoever wins this goes through to the final

and plays for that jackpot for Comic Relief.

And our third question concerns...

-Herbs.

-Hurray!

-There you go.

-Herbs.

-At last!

-My subject!

-And it gets better, Paul.

It gets better, cos we're going to show you the names of five herbs,

but in anagram form.

-Oh!

-Can you unscramble them and give us the most obscure?

Everyone loves word games, right?

Let's reveal our five anagrams of herbs. Here they come. We have got...

Now then, Charlie and Paul, you go first this time again.

THEY WHISPER

We're going to go for the bottom one,

because it's probably not as well known as a herb.

We're going to go for nasturtium.

Nasturtium.

Nasturtium, say Charlie and Paul.

-Charlie, really.

-Andi and David.

Yeah, um, well... I can't get the second one.

The second one's the one I'd really like to get,

cos that one looks difficult.

That's the only one that's got any chance of beating nasturtium.

Shall we go for the top one?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Sort of grudgingly. Well, we'll go for the top one,

which is, we think, tarragon.

Tarragon, say Andi and David. Arrogant for tarragon.

So, Charlie and Paul have said nasturtium.

Let's see if nasturtium's right and let's see how many people said it.

Nasturtium.

Oh, very well done! They got six.

Very well done, Charlie.

APPLAUSE

Nasturtium. Andi and David have gone for tarragon. Arrogant - tarragon.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many people said it.

Well, it's right. 6 is...

Oh, no, it's not going to beat 6.

APPLAUSE

-Bad luck, Andi and David.

-We didn't even get a chance to get into it.

Yes, cos it wasn't a good answer.

Very well done, Charlie and Paul. After three questions,

you're through to the final, 2-1.

You're absolutely right, Andi and David,

that "lamer songs" would have won you the point.

It would have seen you through to the final. The other two first.

"Bails" is basil.

That's a very big scorer - would have scored you 92 points.

-"Replays" is...

-Parsley.

-Parsley. Absolutely right.

That would have scored you 45.

And "lamer songs" would have scored you 2 points.

Very well done anyone at home...

-What IS it?!

-..who said...

-The suspense!

Lemongrass.

ALL: Oh!

-Look at that. Lemongrass.

-Wouldn't have got it.

That's one of the more popular herbs, as well, these days.

The losing pair at the end of the Head To Head, I'm afraid it's Andi and David.

-We should have done better.

-We say goodbye to you, but it's been great having you on the show.

Andi and David - fantastic contestants. Thanks for playing.

APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

But for Charlie and Paul, it's now time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations, Charlie and Paul. You fought off all the competition

and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy, so very well done.

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot for Comic Relief,

and at the end of today's show, the jackpot stands at £5,250.

APPLAUSE

You've done so well! You've been our lowest scorers in every single round.

A pointless answer from you, Charlie,

-All Time High.

-Yes.

Well, we got off to a good start there.

Let's hope we can maintain it.

-It's all been brilliant, apart from the Italian flag.

-Flags.

And I hear you have a house in Italy, Charlie.

Yes, I do.

Not any more!

The rules are very simple. To win that money, all you have to do is find a pointless answer.

Do that and you'll go home with that money for Comic Relief.

Firstly, you have to choose a category. Here are your five options. They are...

That's not a good list! Can we have another, please?

Yeah, another list, please.

Of different categories.

-Royal families... Oh, God!

-Nah.

While they're deliberating,

if you want to give any money to Comic Relief, go to...

You'll find all the details there.

What's it going to be?

We could go for Number Ones,

cos it'd be more fun for the people at home playing along.

Going, "You idiots! Don't you know that?!"

-We'll go for Number Ones.

-Number Ones.

Let's find out what the question is. Here it comes.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds

to name as many UK Number One singles

with one-word titles as they could.

Well, that's fun...isn't it?!

Oh, God!

UK Number One singles with one-word titles.

-Richard.

-Yes, we're looking for any UK Number One single between January 1970 and September 2012, please.

Any UK Number One single that has just a one-word title.

Can be a double A-side single, anything like that. Don't need to know the band.

Just need to know that one word of the title.

Very, very best of luck.

OK, you have up to one minute to come up with three answers.

All you need to win that £5,250 for Comic Relief

is for just one of those answers to be pointless.

Can we just...? I can't even think of single Number One now!

Never mind one-word ones.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-No!

-Yes.

-No.

OK, let's put 60 seconds on the clock.

There they are. Your time starts now.

-I have no idea.

-Well... Clive Dunn.

-Grandad!

-Yes.

-That's in there. Think there might be another few,

but that's one I can think of.

Grandad. I really can't think of any.

Um...well, come on.

Well, I can't! I don't...

Er...what about...?

Ooh, did Vienna get to Number One, or was it held off?

It was held off by something, I'm sure.

-Shaddap You Face. That's not one word.

-It's one word in Italian or Irish.

I can only think of one - it's Grandad!

THEY LAUGH

-How many have we got to get?

-Three.

Oh...

And one of them no-one else has got to know.

Er...

Any recently...?

-Went to Number One...

-Come on, help us out!

Shout it out - it's for charity!

Are we going to go with one answer? Right...

-We should have let David win.

-Yeah, he'd know this.

-Ten seconds left.

No.

-We ain't even got a hope.

-Our minds have gone completely blank.

We've got one answer, and it's rubbish.

Probably didn't even get to Number One.

There is time up. We were looking for UK Number One singles with one-word titles.

I now need three answers from you.

If you have to, you can just make up one-word answers.

I can't even think of one word now!

I can only think of two.

-We'll go with Grandad. That'll be one of them.

-OK, Grandad.

And...

Albatross.

Albatross. OK, we'll take Albatross.

-Waterloo.

-Waterloo. There we are.

Brilliant.

OK, of those three, which is your best shot at a pointless answer?

Um...

-Grandad, I would think.

-Well, probably Grandad.

-We'll put Grandad last. Which is your least likely...?

-Albatross.

-ALL TALK AT ONCE

We'll put Albatross first.

-OK, let's pop them up on the board in that order.

-Top 'em up!

Here they are. We have got...

I'm like an albatross around your neck, aren't I?

We've finally met our Waterloo.

Do something with Grandad!

There he is.

OK, we're looking for UK Number One singles with one-word titles.

Albatross was your least confident shot at a pointless answer.

Only one of those has to be pointless

for you to win that jackpot of £5,250 for Comic Relief.

OK, so let's see. Albatross - is it right?

How many people said it?

No. Bad luck.

Albatross - an incorrect answer, as it turns out.

We only have two more chances to win today's jackpot, but two really good answers now.

I think we're on to proper correct answer territory here.

We're looking for UK Number One singles with one-word titles. Let's hope nobody said Waterloo.

It has to be right, and it has to be pointless for you to win that jackpot.

So, for £5,250, let's see how many people said Waterloo.

Well, it's right.

Albatross, your first answer, an incorrect answer.

Waterloo, on the other hand, very much a correct answer.

Down it goes to the teens...

into single figures, still going down...

Oh, 5!

Brutal!

APPLAUSE

There we are. This is good. It's a big improvement on the first answer.

OK, we're looking for UK Number One singles with one-word titles. Your third answer was Grandad.

You said this was your most confident shot at that jackpot of £5,250.

Obviously, it has to be pointless for you to win that, so let's find out.

Grandad - is it a pointless answer? Was it a Number One?

It's absolutely right.

Now then. Albatross - completely wrong.

Waterloo took us all the way down to 5.

Grandad, though?

Down it takes us...

to single figures, down it goes...

Oh, no!

Oh!

APPLAUSE

1!

It was Scrooge! It was Scrooge!

Steve Coogan, it was.

Coogan!

I can't believe that! Grandad was a brilliant answer.

What a fantastic score anyhow, but sadly, only pointless counts.

I hope you feel pleased with yourself!

Well, unfortunately, I'm afraid you didn't manage to find that pointless answer,

so you don't win today's jackpot of £5,250.

However, as it's a celebrity special, we are going to donate £2,500 to Comic Relief anyhow.

-But you have been brilliant. You have covered yourselves in glory.

-Charlie, really.

-Brilliant.

-Well done. You do get to take home our Pointless trophy, so very well done.

-Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Very well played throughout, guys. Albatross was a good answer as well. It was a Number One, but from 1968.

-There are some very big answers on this pointless list.

-We know.

Very difficult in 60 seconds. Take a look at a few.

Bonkers, Dizzee Rascal.

Fairground, that is Simply Red.

Goodbye, Spice Girls.

Ooh, there's a shocker on the next one.

Imagine would have been a pointless answer - John Lennon.

Mercy by Duffy. Respectable, Mel and Kim.

-These are all pointless?

-These are all pointless.

Shine by Take That. Woman by John Lennon. Xanadu, Olivia Newton John.

I'll give you a few more. You could have had Cars, Gary Numan.

You could have had Dizzy - Wonder Stuff with Vic and Bob. That would have been a pointless answer.

You could have had Fastlove, Firestarter, Heroes...David Bowie.

-You could have had Spaceman, Babylon Zoo...

-Can you stop now? That's enough.

I'm letting the people at home know, because they all have a go, you see.

And they want to know if they got a correct answer.

And they almost certainly did, cos there's loads of them.

Unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to you. It's been brilliant having you on the show.

Thank you both so much. Charlie and Paul!

APPLAUSE

Join us next time when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge to the test on Pointless.

-Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard...

-Goodbye.

And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd