Radio Pointless Celebrities

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong,

and a warm welcome to this special radio edition

of Pointless Celebrities,

the game where we aim for the obscure and we ignore the obvious.

Let's meet today's Pointless Celebrities.

And couple number one.

Well, I am Nemone from Nemone's Electric Ladyland

on BBC Radio 6 Music.

And I am Shaun Keaveney from BBC 6 Music's breakfast show.

Couple number two.

OK, my name is Nihal Arthanayake and I am, like a number of people here,

an alumni of Radio 1, but now the BBC Asian Network.

Hi, I'm Liz Kershaw, and I'm a disc jockey.

Couple number three.

Hello, my name's Rachel Burden,

I co-host the 5 live breakfast show with Nicky Campbell,

and my career highlight so far is appearing on a 2016 edition

of Pointless Celebrities.

Hi, everyone, great to be here, I love this show!

I'm Nicky Campbell, I've been on network radio since 1987,

started on Radio 1 the same day as Liz Kershaw,

and now I present the 5 live breakfast programme

with the amazing, wonderful, very, very clever,

much cleverer than me Rachel Burden.

And finally, couple number four.

Hello, I'm Marcus Brigstocke,

and I host The Brig Society and I've Never Seen Star Wars

on Radio 4.

I'm Mark Steel and I do a show called Mark Steel's In Town

on Radio 4,

and I think I'm excited and terrified in equal measure

at this particular moment.

Thank you very much, all of you, lovely to have you here.

We'll get to chat to each of you throughout the show, as

it goes along, so that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.

He's a man who's always on my wavelength,

just between the police and the local minicab firm.

It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

Hiya. Hi, everybody. Good evening.

-Good evening to you.

-Good evening.

-How are you?

-I'm very well.

I like these radio specials, they are always immensely competitive.

We've gone up the numbers this time.

I think last time we were with Radio 1 and Radio 1 Xtra.

It was a bit unruly, if I'm honest.

But 4, 5 and 6, and all that sort of stuff.

Can you imagine next time we do it?

They'll have to invent some new radio stations for us.

-They'll have to.

-Only one returning player who's played before,

but a winner we have in our ranks.

That's the wonderful Liz Kershaw. So no pressure on you, Nihal,

but if she doesn't win this time, you know what, something's happened.

Also, of course, it's a radio special,

we've got a couple of jingles.

-SEVERAL:

-Hey!

# Alexander Armstrong! #

-Oh, it's amazing, isn't it?

-That's good.

I do have others, I'll introduce them as we go on.

Let's do that. Very nice indeed, thank you very much, Richard.

-I mean, really, thank you VERY much.

-Such an absolute pleasure.

# Alexander Armstrong! #

-Now, let's move on.

-OK. Now, as usual,

all of today's questions have been put to 100 people before the show.

Our lovely contestants here are looking

for those all-important pointless answers,

these are answers that none of our 100 people gave.

Find one of those and we will add 250 quid to the jackpot.

Now, as today's show is a celebrity special,

each of our celebrities is playing for a nominated charity.

We start off with a jackpot of £2,500.

There we are. Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

So this is the rule. I mean, if you like, it's the only rule.

The pair with the highest score at the end of each round will be

eliminated. That is it, that's the only rule you have to remember.

And no conferring for the first two rounds, obviously.

Best of luck to all four pairs. Our first category this evening is...

It's Famous People.

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second? And whoever's going first,

please step up to the podium.

OK, and our question concerns...

We are about to show you a board with 16 pictures of famous men

with beards, you simply have to name the most obscure person you can,

-please. Very, very best of luck.

-OK, so, as Richard just mentioned,

we're going to put an image up there,

that'll stay up for the whole round, that won't be changing.

-Those 16 will be our 16 for the entire round.

-Phew!

So, good luck with that,

Nemone, answering last and all!

OK, let's have a look at that image, and here it comes.

We have these people.

These bearded people.

Now, Shaun, you started out writing jingles?

-I did.

-Like that?

Well, it wasn't so much the musical part of the jingles,

it was more the commercials, but, yeah,

I was responsible for a lot of terrible radio.

-As I still am.

-I always imagined that these...

I thought they were sort of made on an island somewhere.

There's an island somewhere, I don't know, like Montserrat,

where lots of jingle singers wander round clinking ice in drinks.

There is plenty of that going on! You're absolutely right.

Isn't that how it happens? Surely,

like a Tin Pan Alley but less tin and pan.

And alley, in fact, just sort of cocktails and sand.

There's a lot... Yeah, I think you've hit the nail on the head

-pretty much there.

-Now, Shaun, men with beards.

-Crikey.

-Come on.

OK. This is a bit of a nightmare, isn't it?

Because there are some proper old ringers in there.

You've got some obvious ones.

Do I take a chance?

I think I'm going...

Allen Ginsberg.

Allen Ginsberg, says Shaun.

Is it right? How many of our 100 people said it?

Absolutely right, very well done.

It's pointless! Shaun!

What a start to the show!

A pointless answer, that adds £250 to today's jackpot,

takes the total up to £2,750.

It scores you nothing and earns you, I mean,

a pat on the shoulder just there from Nemone,

and a place in Pointless history.

That's just wonderful.

Look at that.

I can't believe that's just happened!

-Wow.

-Goodness me, Shaun, very, very well played.

Yeah, Allen Ginsberg. Back in the day, that sort of beard -

there he is on the second row -

that would have you marked out as something of a maverick

back in those days. These days, you just think,

"Yeah, guy with a beard, works in IT."

Thanks very much indeed, Richard, and a pat on the back to you, Shaun,

very well done indeed.

Liz, welcome back to Pointless.

I'll get my coat now!

That was a good start to the round,

-but I know you'll have a great answer.

-Stunned.

Now, Liz, you have worked in radio for the best part of 30 years.

Yeah, I'm 72 in August.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, me and Nicky started on...

Well, he started on the Saturday night,

3rd of October, and I started on the 4th of October, 1987.

It's amazing. I don't know how shocked he is,

but I wake up every day and think, "Am I still in gainful employment?!"

Woo!

That's nice. I wanted to talk to you about Dawn Chorus And The Bluetits.

-Oh, yes!

-Tell us about that.

Well, that was our band in Leeds,

and I started that with a girl round the corner

who wasn't a TV personality then.

She got the job about two weeks after we started the band,

and that was Carol Vorderman with Countdown.

With Carol Vorderman?!

Yeah. Do you still perform, do you ever get together?

Oh, no, we only lasted about six months.

So, Liz, men with beards.

I can't decide whether to go risky or safe.

I think I'll say Eric Cantona.

Eric Cantona, says Liz, let's see if that's right,

let's see how many of our 100 people spotted Eric Cantona.

It's right.

Oh, good, it's not too bad.

-34, not bad.

-That's not bad.

Not bad at all, 34 for Eric Cantona.

Well played, Liz, there he is, next to Allen Ginsberg.

-Successful actor now, Eric Cantona.

-Yes.

-Good stuff, thank you, Richard.

-Thank you.

-So, Rachel, welcome to Pointless.

-Hello.

-Wonderful to have you.

Congratulations, you've got a baby boy, I gather?

I do, yeah. Not here with me.

No, not here, no, no.

-I haven't hidden him.

-But how is that working with your early-morning schedule?

Well, I don't know, I've got three others so I'm kind of used to it,

and the father plays a part in some way.

What time's your alarm set?

-Alarm goes off at 3.20am.

-Ha-ha!

And I make my way to the studio and get the show shipshape

before my friend and colleague here comes in and messes it all up.

-Very good. Now, Rachel, men with beards?

-Yeah.

It's trying to work out what the 100 people may have said,

who they may have known, so I'm going to go for Rowan Williams.

-I think.

-Rowan Williams, says Rachel.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Rowan Williams.

Well, 34 is our high score, zero is our low score,

you've passed the high score.

Oh, look at that!

Well played, Rachel. Very well done, yeah.

-Rowan Williams there on the bottom, second from right.

-There we go.

-There he is.

-Marcus, welcome.

-Hello, thank you.

-Now, The Now Show, of which you are part,

has been on for... I mean, that's just been on for ever and ever.

How many series of that have there been?

Oh, I actually don't know.

-I think it's about 40-something.

-At least, at least.

It's like The Archers.

What day do you record on?

-Thursday. So that's what I like about it, it's really fast.

-Yes.

I agree the subject on Wednesday evening,

research it Wednesday night,

write it all day Thursday, record it, then it goes out the next day.

-On Thursday?

-It's a fun way of making comedy.

Marcus, what would you like to go for, from our board of beards?

It's tricky, I was hoping Father Christmas would be on there.

I really want to go for the risky one,

but I'm not that sure.

-Go for the risky one!

-You think so, huh?

-Ernest Hemingway.

-Ernest Hemingway, says Marcus.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Ernest Hemingway. Is it right?

It IS right.

-Look at that!

-Yes!

Come on!

Very well done, book-ended by pointless answers.

That adds another £250 to today's jackpot,

takes the total up to £3,000,

scores you nothing and earns you endless respect.

Very well done indeed.

Very well played there, Marcus.

Anything Radio 6 can do, Radio 4 can do too.

Terrific answer. Of all the people on that board,

I think he would make the best Father Christmas.

Second from the left there on the third row.

There we are, thank you very much.

We're halfway through the round, let's look at the scores.

Only three scores between the four pairs there,

zero being the best score.

Well done, Marcus. Well done, Shaun.

Then up to 4, Rachel and Nicky.

Then 34.

I didn't think you were going to be so far ahead at this stage.

-So, Nihal, we need a low score from you.

-Yeah.

Another big risk, one of those ones you've looked at and thought,

"Is that...? No. Is that...? No."

You might have to go for one of them, maybe.

Best of luck with that. We come back down the line now,

can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, so, remember, we are looking for the names of these bearded men.

There we are, 16 of them there.

Mark, welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you.

-A great treat to have you here.

Mark Steel's In Town, how many series of that have you done?

Just on the seventh one. So the idea, for anybody who doesn't know,

is that I have to go to a town somewhere and write a whole show

about that town, to people in that town,

be as rude about it as possible and get away with it.

It started, really, cos I was doing a show one night,

it was in Skipton,

and I noticed that there was a town called Keighley

just around the corner, and I said to the audience,

"So, Keighley, then, is that the rival town here?"

And then this one woman, as if she was spokesperson for all of them,

she just went, "Keighley is a sink of evil."

LAUGHTER

What a brilliant thing! It could only work in Skipton

that she would do that and it would make any sense, so I thought,

I'll try and write a whole show about just the little things,

the little quirks of each town, and so far keep getting away with it.

Mark, there you are, you're on nothing.

The high-scorers are Nihal and Liz on 34.

If you can score 33 or less,

you are definitely through to the next round.

I'm terrified now, because what I thought was absolutely certain,

now that I'm up here, of course, I've got the collywobbles.

Right, I'm going to leave the country if this is wrong.

-Charles Darwin.

-Surely, it's Charles Darwin.

Anyway, there is your red line, let's find out.

If you get below that red line, you are through to the next round.

How many of our 100 said Charles Darwin?

It's right.

Through you go to Round 2. Charles Darwin, 23.

-Good call, mate.

-23.

Well played, Mark, safely through.

Charles Darwin there, bottom left.

Also the first person in black and white to score any points at all in

-this round.

-Nice. Thanks, Richard.

Now, Nicky, just briefly, your radio career,

you started on Radio 1.

-Yeah.

-You had... I'm going to call it...

Along with Liz, you had rather highbrow music shows,

-didn't you?

-Well, yeah, it was great to play that stuff.

Then you moved gradually further and further towards current affairs,

and now very much in current affairs. Was that the idea,

do you think, or...?

Well, kind of. I started off as a journalist

and moved into music radio.

I remember the first time I put a pair of headphones on and played a

record, and the feeling was, this was the best feeling in the world.

So I loved doing that.

Then I just did lots of interviews and segued into current affairs.

Yeah. Do you miss the music now? It sounds like you do.

Yeah, a little bit, I do.

I still, you know, now and again play a lot of music.

-He dabbles.

-You get to play a bit on 5 live, do you?

-Now and again.

-Every so often.

Nicky, there you are, on 4.

The high-scorers, still Nihal and Liz on 34,

so 29 or less.

-29 or less?

-29 or less.

I've got to just hope that there's a generational thing

going on here, that lots of young people have been asked.

-I'm going to go for Mr T.

-Mr T, says Nicky.

OK. Hoping very much for a generational thing to be going on.

There is your red line, let's see how many of our 100 people said Mr T.

It's right.

64 there, taking your total up to 68.

Yeah, it's a big score.

I'm amazed at how much more famous he is than Allen Ginsberg.

-XANDER LAUGHS

-I find that extraordinary.

Big score for Mr T.

There we are. Thank you very much, Richard.

Now, Nihal. Welcome.

You are the Asian beats man,

you were on Radio 1, and now the Asian...

I was, yeah, and now I do... I, like Nicky,

have kind of segued into news and current affairs

on the BBC Asian Network.

So I did 12 years' Radio 1, DJing all around the world.

You've just been inducted into the Radio Hall Of Fame as well?

-Yes, yes.

-Very exciting.

-What's that involve?

-You basically go around a room and tell them you

haven't retired, that you're still open for work!

Cos, of course, when you get inducted into a Hall of Fame...

I got the impression beforehand if you ever get inducted

into a hall of fame, that it's at the tail end of your career,

and I had to keep reminding people I'm still very much here.

-Exciting, though?

-Yeah, no, it was fantastic, yeah, brilliant.

Well, Nihal, the high-scorers

at the moment are Nicky and Rachel on 68,

so 33 or less gets you through.

-It's getting harder.

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, I'm drawn naturally as a Spurs supporter to Alan Sugar.

Oh, hang on...

You've done something, you've mentioned a name on there.

-Oh, are you not allowed to do that?

-Ooooh...

-Ooooh...

No, we have a rule, a harsh rule where we take your...

-Oh, he didn't know that.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-He's not been here before.

Don't make him have Alan Sugar!

-I'm sorry, Alan Sugar is, I'm afraid...

-OK, right.

I'm afraid that's the first bearded name that you uttered.

-Oh, right, OK.

-Who knows?

Alan Sugar, maybe people forgot him?

-Oh, yeah.

-Let's see how far down the column we get with Alan Sugar.

I'm sorry, Nihal.

How many people said Alan Sugar?

He's right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry, Nihal.

-They are the rules.

That scores you 84 point and has taken your total up to 118.

Yeah, Alan Sugar there, very much our version of Donald Trump.

-Don't get any ideas.

-LAUGHTER

Thanks very much, Richard.

Nemone, you are through to the next round,

doesn't matter what you score.

-Oh!

-But before we talk about that, I want to talk about this.

Before you went into DJing, you were a 400 metres sprinter.

-Yes.

-Of some repute. I mean, you were good!

-Well...

I could get round. Which was useful.

You did brilliantly! You were in the running, as it were.

I was certainly running!

Don't know whether I was IN the running.

What happened there, why did you stop that?

Well, probably...

Do you know, I was doing it at the same time as DJing, I was running.

I tried to continue alongside,

and then the music career was getting me faster

than the 400 metres, so, yeah,

I went with the one that was going to pay.

As the summer comes on, presumably you have a very busy summer,

do you go and do festivals?

Yeah, actually, with Electric Ladyland,

which is my show on 6 Music, yeah,

I've been out at the festivals, Bestival, Green Man,

so it's nice to be able to get out of the studio and do it live.

That's nice. How many years have you been touring that every summer?

Do you know, the show's been going for nearly four years now,

and I've loved it. It's been successful.

Absolutely brilliant. Now, Nemone, I bet you've got a brilliant answer,

and with the nice knowledge that you are through to the next round whatever

you score, take a bit of a risk.

-No!

-Really?

-No!

-LAUGHTER

With the nice knowledge that I'm through to the next round,

-I'm going to go Robert De Niro.

-Robert De Niro.

There's no red line for you because you're already through.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Robert De Niro.

It's right.

25, look at that.

Very well done. Well played, Nemone, safe and sound.

There he is on the top row, third along.

Shall we go through the rest of these?

Up on the top row, next to the British Donald Trump

-is the British Hillary Clinton.

-LAUGHTER

Jeremy Corbyn there, 59.

Nihal, what were you going to go for if you'd...?

Zach Galifinakis.

-Well, Zach Galifinakis would have scored you 6 points.

-Oh!

-Would have been a very good answer.

-That's not...

I would have taken you out, Campbell!

That's not John Torode, then, with a beard?

-Did you think that was John Torode?!

-I thought it was John Torode

after his year off! RICHARD LAUGHS

That is not John Torode, no.

I wonder if anyone else at home said John Torode.

Next, Robert De Niro.

Che Guevara would have scored you 4 points.

I thought it was Eddie Izzard!

LAUGHTER

We should play a game of who do we think these people are.

Second row we've done. Third row there... Prince Harry

would have scored you 84 points, same as Alan Sugar.

Ben Affleck there. That's a low score, actually.

20 points for Ben Affleck, Sean Connery, 71.

There's one more pointless answer on the bottom row there,

another black and white gentleman there. That is Ulysses S Grant,

very well done if you said that at home.

And I forget who the person in the bottom right is.

IMITATES: Is it Brian Blessed?!

LAUGHTER

It is Brian Blessed.

-And that would have scored you 70 points.

-There we are.

Thank you very much indeed. At the end of our first round,

the pair we have to say goodbye to... I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

With their high score of 118, I'm really sorry.

And you know you should, yeah, it's a harsh rule,

but I'm afraid we have to stick with it. Just come back and play again,

that's all I can say. Come back and also win.

-Next week.

-Please.

We can see you in any time, and we will. Nihal and Liz,

-thanks so much for playing. Brilliant contestants.

-Thank you.

But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

Well, we're suddenly down to three pairs,

and at the end of this round, we'll have to say goodbye

to another of the pairs in front of me now.

Well done. Between you, you've added 500 quid to the jackpot.

Fantastic first round.

Very well done indeed. Best of luck to all three pairs.

Our category for Round Two this evening...

The English language. Can you decide in your pairs who's going first,

who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

Words with silent letters, Richard.

On each board, we're going to show you six definitions of words,

all of those words begin with a silent letter.

Can you give us the answers to these following definitions, please?

Six on the first board, six on the second,

12 in all to have a go at, at home. Very best of luck.

# Pointless Round Two! #

-Lovely.

-Let's get on with this round.

-Yeah.

-Fun. OK, here...

# Richard Osman! #

There we go. OK.

Here's our first board of definitions,

and the answers to all these are words with a silent letter.

And our first board looks like this...

I'm going to read all of those again.

There we go. Nemone.

I am...

..going to start with...

..A fictitious name used by an author.

A pseudonym.

Pseudonym, says Nemone. Pseudonym. Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said it.

It's right.

-54.

-Not bad, not bad.

-54.

-Well played, Nemone.

Samuel Clemens, who used the pseudonym Mark Twain.

Before he used Mark Twain,

genuinely his pseudonym was Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass.

LAUGHTER

-Sounds good.

-Yeah. I think Mark Twain is better.

Possibly. Anyway. There we are. Nicky, Nicky.

Now...

-Tricky.

-It is.

Right. A legendary dwarfish creature supposed to guard the earth's

treasure...

-Gnome.

-Gnome.

Gnome, says Nicky. Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people went for gnome.

It's right. Well, 54 is our only score.

48 for gnome.

-All right.

-Gnome.

Another good answer. I remember being furious when I was a child

finding out that Dennis the Menace's dog was pronounced Nasher

rather than G-nasher. Which is what I thought he was.

-Oh, it's much better G-nasher.

-G-nasher is a better name, isn't it?

-Much better, yeah.

Now, Mark, this board is all yours.

If you wanted to go through and fill in all the blanks,

-you'd be very welcome.

-Oh.

Do I have to? Right, I don't really know the blank I'd like to know,

but,

well, a wrinkle is the lines found on the face, I suppose.

A passage between rows of seats would be an aisle.

But I'm going to go for a czar as the title of the autocrat

-or emperor of Russia.

-Czar.

Which is spelt with a T and maybe that's thrown people, I don't know.

Czar, says Mark. OK,

well, let's see how many of our 100 people went for czar.

It's right. Now 54 is our high score.

48... Whoa. 63.

63 for czar.

Yeah, you know what, you all did rather well in that round

because the top two answers are the really big scorers,

and you all avoided them. Now, aisle scores you 81.

Wrinkle... What do you think wrinkle would score you?

-Do you know...88.

-95 points.

-No. Well done, wrinkle.

95 points. Now this other one is a pointless answer.

Starts with a B, then it's a D, and it's bdellium.

Very well done if you got that at home.

OK, we're halfway through the round, let's take a look at those scores.

48, Nicky. As it turns out, the best score of the pass,

so very well done. Then up to 54, where we find Nemone and Shaun.

And then 63, Mark and Marcus.

So, Marcus, I mean, again, not that far ahead,

but we need a correspondingly low score from you

to keep you in the game. So best of luck.

You'll get first dibs on the new board, so use it wisely.

We come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, let's put six more clues up on the board, and here they come...

I'll read those all one last time.

-Marcus.

-Yes.

OK. Well,

I'm going to go with a pattern of words which assists in remembering

something, and that's mnemonic.

-Mnemonic...

-Yeah.

-..says Marcus.

No red line for you as you're the high-scorers currently,

but let's see how many of our 100 people said mnemonic.

It's right.

Oh, look at that. Very well done indeed, Marcus,

exactly what we needed from you.

29, taking your total up to 92.

Very well played, Marcus.

Also a word used to describe people who look like Nemone as well.

They are mnemonic.

Thanks very much, Richard.

Rachel, you're on 48.

43 or less gets you into the head-to-head.

Yeah, I mean, I know, I think, all of them except for one.

Which to go for?

I think I'll go... I'll head right down to the bottom.

Lung inflammation caused by bacterial or viral infection...

-Pneumonia.

-Pneumonia, says Rachel.

Here's your red line. If you can get below this red line with pneumonia,

you are into the head-to-head.

How many of our 100 people said pneumonia?

I don't know.

-It's right.

-See?

-Oh, no.

-58.

58 takes your total up to 106.

-Could still be in the game.

-Yeah, it's very close on that final podium.

Yeah, "new monia". It came in after...

They used to have "old monia" and they found a cure for it,

-which was...

-Oh, yeah.

Got past the antibiotics.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard. Now, Shaun.

OK, so it's a matter of trying to think which one people...

..second-guess which one people might not know as much.

I think I'm going to go for adjustable tool - wrench.

Wrench, says Shaun.

Oh, it's exciting, this, isn't it?

-It is exciting.

-Oh, here is your red line.

You have to get below that.

# There's your red line! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah.

Get below that and you're in the head-to-head.

Whoa. How many people said wrench?

-It's right. 89, Shaun.

-Oh...

Well, I was left with all the easy ones.

That takes your total up to 143, Shaun.

-Oh.

-Yeah, there's an answer out there

that would have actually got you into a tie.

We would have seen lock-down.

And it's not the top one - knead.

That would have scored too many points.

If would have scored you 86, but if you'd said kneel...

-Really?

-Yeah.

Scores you 52 points.

48 people didn't recognise THAT as kneeling?

Well, you know what, it's one of those where it's got some long words

at the beginning - assume the position in which the body is supported...

People go, "You know what? I haven't got time for this."

And the arrangement of flowers is a wreath.

And that would have scored 63.

So best answer on the board is mnemonic.

-Well played.

-There we are. Well, thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So at the end of our second round, I'm sorry, Shaun and Nemone...

-I'm sorry, Shaun.

-It's harsh.

-Oh, I know.

-It's very harsh.

-It's tough for us, isn't it?

-Tough.

-Everyone's leaving this show under a bit of a cloud, aren't they?

-Furious, aren't they?

-Could we get a jingle at least before we go?

Let me see.

Oh, yes. Here's a perfect one for you.

# Richard Osman! #

-Oh.

-Oh, Shaun and Nemone, it's been lovely having you on.

I'm so sorry you have to say goodbye now.

Come back and play again and win.

But thank you very much.

Shaun and Nemone.

But for Mark and Marcus, Nicky and Rachel,

it's now time for our head-to-head.

Congratulations, Mark and Marcus, Nicky and Rachel,

you're now one step closer to the final and a chance to play for that

jackpot, which currently stands at £3,000.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-Ooh.

-So we have to decide who's going to play for that jackpot,

and we do it by making you go head-to-head.

But there's a difference. You're now allowed to confer before you give

your answers, which is nice.

You can chat before you give your final answer.

First pair to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.

Very best of luck to both pairs.

Let's play the head-to-head.

OK, here comes your first question.

And it concerns...

Themes from TV soaps. Richard.

# Pointless head-to-head! #

Yeah, we're about to play you five theme tunes from TV soaps.

You just need to tell us which programmes

these are the themes to, please.

-Very best of luck.

-OK.

OK, let's listen to our five themes, and here they come.

We have got...

Here's B...

Here is C...

Here's D...

And here is E...

There we are.

OK, so, Mark and Marcus, you are our low-scorers, so you will go first.

We've had a confer, and I think this is risky,

but I'm going to say that C was El Dorado.

C, El Dorado.

C, El Dorado, say Mark and Marcus.

Now then, Nicky and Rachel, do you want to talk through the others?

Interestingly, number one was the theme of Emmerdale Farm

back in the day.

I'm not sure if the theme has changed.

-What was B?

-B was my Friday-night sorted, a can of Coke,

a packet of crisps and Dynasty.

-What shall we go for?

-Is that still the theme of Emmerdale?

-I don't know.

-I'm thinking it's something just a bit whooshed up.

But you wanted to go for D, so why are you changing your mind now?

Cos I think it might... It's going to be a...

-What do you think D is?

-It's going to be a biggie.

It's going to be... D is Hollyoaks.

-Will people remember Dynasty?

-What would you like to go for?

-I'm going to have to get an answer.

-Dynasty.

-OK, we'll go for Dynasty.

-B.

-B, Dynasty. So we have...

From Mark and Marcus we have C, El Dorado.

Should we see if that's right?

Let's see how many of our 100 people said El Dorado.

-It's right.

-Yes!

It's right. And I have a feeling this is going to be a good score,

down it goes, down it goes. Look at that.

Very well done. 5, El Dorado.

-That'll do. That'll do.

-Good work.

Nicky and Rachel have said B, Dynasty.

B, Dynasty. Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said it.

It's right.

Look at that, 19. Not bad at all.

Close. But, Mark and Marcus,

you've got it, and after one question, you're up 1-0.

Yes, those were the best two answers on the board as well, actually.

So well played, both teams.

Let's fill in these gaps.

So A...

-..is Emmerdale.

-Emmerdale.

And that would have scored...

..64 points. Big scorer.

D was Hollyoaks, as you also knew.

And Hollyoaks would have scored 24.

-And E was of course Crossroads.

-Crossroads.

-And that scores 49.

Thanks very much. So here comes your second question.

Nicky and Rachel, you get to answer this one first.

You have to win it to stay in the game. Best of luck.

Our second question this evening is all about...

-Oh.

-City skylines at night.

-We're going to show you five pictures now

of city skylines at night.

Can you identify the most obscure city, please?

OK, let's reveal our five skylines, and here they come.

We have got... A...

B...

C...

D...

E...

And E. Sorry. LAUGHTER

I was a bit carried away on these skylines.

Wow. Exciting.

OK, now, Nicky and Rachel, you will go first.

-We take a punt?

-Well, yeah...

Let's go for it, you know.

-OK.

-Let's seize the day, take a risk.

This could be our final moment.

Let's hit the nightlife.

I'm going to say Kuala Lumpur, B.

B, Kuala Lumpur.

B, Kuala Lumpur. OK now, Mark and Marcus, talk us through that board.

Well, one or two of them are fairly clear.

-Yeah.

-I think A is pretty definitely Reading.

LAUGHTER

I'd guess that sort of E is somewhere in America,

possibly in the New York area.

D is Dubai.

-Yes.

-And C we thought was Kuala Lumpur.

Oh. Well, you're probably right.

But, I mean, it might be best to go for one we definitely know.

-I reckon...

-I think the safest thing to do is exactly as you suggested -

-D, Dubai.

-OK.

OK, D, Dubai.

So we have from Nicky and Rachel - B, Kuala Lumpur.

Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people went for KL for B.

Oh!

No, I'm afraid not B for KL.

-I've been there.

-Mark and Marcus have gone for D, Dubai.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many people said Dubai.

Just has to be right for you to win the point

and go through to the final.

And it is right, and you do go through to the final.

Very well done indeed.

Dubai was indeed D.

55 was what it scored.

But crucially it was right.

And it means, after only two questions,

you're through to the final 2-0.

You're quite right, gents, C is Kuala Lumpur

with the Petronas Towers there.

15 points for Kuala Lumpur.

A is Paris.

67 points for Paris.

The best answer on the board is B, not Kuala Lumpur.

Anyone, if you had to guess?

-Toronto.

-Toronto, yeah, that's the CN Tower.

That would have scored 6.

And E is New York.

Empire State Building. 30 points for that.

Thanks very much, Richard. So the pair leaving us at the end

of the head-to-head round...

..Nicky and Rachel, I'm sorry to say...

There's no shame in losing to the Marks here.

Well, that's very gracious of you to say that.

-No, it's true.

-There's a lot of brain on that podium.

There's been a lot of nous going down from Radio 5 live.

Thank you so much, it's been wonderful having you here.

-Thank you.

-Come and play again. Nicky and Rachel, everyone.

Well done.

But for Mark and Marcus, it's now time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations, Mark and Marcus.

You've seen off all the competition

and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot for your charities.

And at the end of today's show, the jackpot is standing at £3,000.

-There we are. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Superb.

You started today's show with a pointless answer.

All you have to do now is finish it with a pointless answer,

and you're away. You'll take that jackpot home for your charities.

Anything you badly want to see come up in this round?

Anything you badly don't want to see come up in this round?

Anything to do with, you know, snooker or tennis...

Any sport thing, I think, would be a right set.

For rugby, I'm a bit rubbish on.

-Or...

-But I'm posh, so we'd probably be all right there.

Yeah. Yeah. Other than that, 12th-century architecture.

I don't know. No.

LAUGHTER

No.

Cheeses would be a good subject to come up for me, various...

Cheeses I Have Enjoyed would be a strong category for me.

There we are. Well, you get to choose your category,

as you know, from the board behind me.

Let's hope there's something up there that you like the look of.

Today's selection reads like this...

I did say before that I'm posh,

but oddly I don't own a horse.

Well, not yet anyway.

Modern Rock Music Ks could be...

It could be Kaiser Chiefs or something.

But have you been to Australia?

-No, but...

-It's really far, I know that.

I've got a feeling Australia might be all right.

I don't know. What do you think?

Modern Rock Music Ks or Australia.

-Is it Australia, then?

-I think it's Australia.

-Go on.

-OK, Australia it is. Richard.

-OK, very best of luck.

Three very different questions here.

Hopefully, one of these will suit you.

We are looking for the name of any Peter Carey novel up to April 2016,

please, including his novels for children.

We are looking for any of the 19 UNESCO World Heritage Sites

in Australia, or in its external territories.

Or we are looking for any Australian cricketer

who has scored 5,000 or more Test runs, please.

Again up to April 2016.

So Peter Carey novels,

UNESCO World Heritage Sites in Australia

or Australian cricketers with 5,000 or more Test runs.

Very, very best of luck, gents.

-Right. Do you know any?

-Thanks very much.

You've got up to one minute to come up with three answers.

All you need to win that jackpot is for just one of your answers

to be pointless. Are you ready?

-I'm ready, I guess, yeah.

-Do you know any of the first two?

-OK.

-Sorry.

-I do, yeah.

-Let's put 60 seconds on the clock.

There they are. Your time starts now.

OK, well, Uluru or Ayers Rock...

-It is a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

-Ayers Rock.

-Yeah, definitely.

-But what's the other one you said?

-Uluru, but that's Ayers Rock.

-Right, got it.

I don't know any cricketers.

Right, no, Allan Border is the obvious one.

Ricky Ponting.

Mark Taylor people may not get.

Mark Taylor, I would imagine, must have 5,000.

Matthew Hayden.

Matthew Hayden would people get?

Hayden, Langer...

Matthew Hayden, Justin Langer

and Mark Taylor.

I think. Or going back, would they get?

Just quickly, it is possible that Arnhem Land is...

..that the whole thing is a UNESCO World Heritage Site,

but that's a wild guess.

-Is it?

-Yeah. So your cricketers would be...

And I can't... That is all you.

I've never even held a cricket bat.

-Ten seconds.

-Bill Lawry, would that be...?

They didn't play so many back then.

Ian Chappell. I'm going to go for... I'd reckon Ian Chappell,

-Mark Taylor...

-OK, that's your time up.

Give me your three answers.

All right, so we reckon with the cricketers...

I'm going to say Ian Chappell.

-Ian Chappell.

-Mark Taylor.

-Mark Taylor.

-And Justin Langer.

Justin Langer. Of those three,

which is your best shot at a pointless answer, do you reckon?

I think Mark Taylor.

I'm not certain. They might be wrong.

We'll put Mark Taylor last.

-Least likely?

-Ian Chappell, I think.

Ian Chappell. Justin Langer in the middle.

OK, well, let's put those up on the board in that order, then.

And here they are. We've got Ian Chappell,

we've got Justin Langer and we've got Mark Taylor.

Well, very, very best of luck.

Three great answers up on the board.

Now, if one of these happens to be pointless and you won that jackpot,

3,000 quid, to split between your charities,

what charities are you playing for?

-Mark?

-There's a charity called Bolton Kidz2gether,

which is someone I know

who looks after kids on the autistic spectrum all day and gives them

a brilliant time, and they have a lovely time and everything.

And it would make a lot of difference.

-Marcus?

-Yeah,

my charity is Arts Emergency,

which was set up by a Radio 4 friend, Josie Long,

and gives people opportunities to work in the arts and be trained in

the arts that they wouldn't otherwise have.

APPLAUSE

Two excellent charities there.

Let's hope one of these answers, at least, is pointless

and will win that decent jackpot for them to split between them.

OK, so your first answer was Ian Chappell.

In the case of all three answers, we're looking for Australian

cricketers who've scored 5,000 or more runs.

Only one of these has to be pointless

for you to win that jackpot.

But for £3,000, let's see how many of our 100 people said Ian Chappell.

Is it right? Is it pointless?

It is right. So Ian Chappell,

all he has to do now is score zero and you will leave with that jackpot

for your charities.

Down Ian Chappell goes through the teens,

into single figures, still going down.

Down it goes, still going down.

-1. AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-Oh! Oh! Oh!

-1.

Who is that person?!

It's probably you, and you forgot!

Sadly, not a pointless answer,

which means we have to move on to your next answer.

Only two more shots at today's jackpot.

Justin Langer was your next answer.

Let's hope nobody said Justin Langer.

For £3,000, is it pointless?

We're looking for Australian cricketers

with 5,000 or more Test runs.

It's right again.

Ian Chappell was right, took us all the way down to 1.

Justin Langer, now taking us down through the 30s,

-20s, into the teens...

-Come on.

Into single figures, down it goes.

Still going down.

Justin Langer taking you to 1 again!

It'll be the same bloke. I bet it's Joe Norris.

-There we are.

-Whoever this person is,

I hope they're pleased with themselves.

OK, two fantastic low scores there,

but everything is now riding on your third and final answer.

We have to have a pointless answer from you here.

You've gone for Mark Taylor.

We're looking for Australian batsmen who have scored 5,000 or more Test

runs. This was your most confident shot at a pointless answer.

Mark Taylor. If it's pointless, it wins you £3,000.

How many people said Mark Taylor?

It's right.

Ian Chappell took us down to 1.

Justin Langer took us down to 1.

Mark Taylor now has to take us down to zero

for you to win that jackpot.

Mark Taylor now takes us into single figures,

down it goes, still going down,

still going down... Oh, no!

Oh, mate...

Oh...

Oh, that is so unlucky.

Three fantastic low scores there.

-Yeah.

-Three fantastic low scores.

-So close.

-I'm afraid you just didn't manage to find that all-important

-pointless answer. So I'm afraid...

-I'm glad I was able to contribute.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid you don't win today's jackpot of £3,000.

But as today's show is a celebrity special and each of our celebrity

pairs was playing for a charity,

we're going to donate 500 quid to each of our celebrity pairs.

So there you are.

Fabulous to have you on.

And don't forget, you get to take home a Pointless trophy.

-Oh.

-Very nice.

-So there we are. It hasn't all been in vain.

Mark and Marcus, absolutely fantastic.

Thank you.

1, 1 and 2...

I feel for you, gents. Mark, it was a brilliant effort.

You obviously know your cricket. You really do.

Another couple of names you mentioned in the minute...

Bill Lawry was on there, he would've scored 1 point as well.

Matthew Hayden also would have scored 1 point.

The good news is you've skiddled out the Australian top order for 4,

which is very, very impressive.

We'll go on to the pointless answers in that category in a minute.

We'll start with Peter Carey novels.

Any thoughts at all on Peter Carey?

I've never read one, I don't think.

-No.

-Excellent. Well, I'd imagine you won't after this as well.

Let's take a look at the pointless answers.

Some of his bigger novels, actually, pointless answers here.

Parrot And Olivier In America, which was nominated for the Booker.

The Tax Inspector, The Unusual Life Of Tristan Smith,

The True History Of The Kelly Gang, which won the Booker prize.

Also His Illegal Self, My Life As A Fake,

The Big Bazoohley, The Chemistry Of Tears

and Theft - A Love Story.

All those were pointless answers.

UNESCO World Heritage Sites...

Everything apart from Uluru, which would have scored you 61,

Great Barrier Reef, Sydney Opera House,

Greater Blue Mountains Area and Wet Tropics of Queensland.

Those are the only ones that scored any points.

And Australian cricketers.

-There's only three pointless answers here.

-Oh.

You will know all three of them.

Michael Slater, a pointless answer, unbelievably.

Very, very well played if you got any of those at home.

And tough luck. That's an unbelievably good performance

in a jackpot round. Really, really unlucky.

Thanks very much, Richard.

Really sorry, Mark and Marcus, to be sending you away empty-handed.

Well, not quite empty-handed. You got your trophies.

Your performance certainly warranted a nice jackpot win there.

But thanks so much. You've been absolutely fantastic.

Join us next time, when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge

to the test on Pointless. Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard...

-Goodbye.

-..and it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.