Episode 1 Richard Hammond's Secret Service

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good even...oh, pushed too hard. No, still spinning.

Good evening and welc... No, I've overdone it.

LAUGHTER

Good evening and welc... How can that be happening?!

Welcome to a brand new series, Secret Service,

with me, Richard Hammond.

The mission the BBC has given me is simple.

You write in with a problem

and I send my highly trained operatives round to sort it out.

What we do here is top secret.

Unfortunately, they've given me this button.

ALARM BLARES

'Coming up on tonight's show...'

It's good.

'Just how far will this couple go to please their daughter?'

Will it keep like this?

Oo-ooh!

-Oh!

-It is hoof of pig.

-Ah, yes.

'Will this self-proclaimed King of Cool be pushed to boiling point

'in a lift journey from Hell?'

# Oh, baby, baby... #

HE BARKS AND CLUCKS

# Still believe! #

'And what will happen when these kids

'meet the most advanced toy in the entire world?'

Hello! My name is Teddy.

-Oh, my God!

-Whoa!

-Teddy Bear's working!

-It's working!

This is my new office.

It's massive, I've got a desk with all buttons on it and everything,

one of which has got a funny cover on. Don't know what that one does.

ALARM BEEPS

Erm, can you deal with that, Agent, please?

-ALARM STOPS

-Thank you.

Then over here there's our laboratory

where we make all our spy gadgets and stuff.

And it's all here at my top secret base

on the B412 between Harlow and Bampton.

Now, our first assignment this week is from Tasha.

Computer, show assignment.

Right, our first mission, and it involves this lovely girl.

What can we do for you?

I've been single for a while now

and my embarrassing dad Steve is always bugging me

about having a boyfriend and asking when I'm going to settle down.

He and my step-mum Beverley are desperate to meet a boyfriend

of mine so please can you help me put an end to all the nagging?

To help Tasha out, we're giving her a fake boyfriend from a

fictitious royal family, rulers of a non-existent country, Malvania.

Tasha has told her folks that they're meeting her new fella

and his parents for lunch.

Anyone else think this might get tricky?

So, we have a crown prince and a crown princess

and more importantly for Tasha, an eligible,

if entirely bogus, royal bachelor, Alex.

And right on cue, here comes Tasha, bringing unsuspecting dad Steve

and step-mum Bev into our royal residence,

which is swarming with Secret Service agents and hidden cameras.

Remember, they think they're meeting Tasha's new boyfriend

and his parents.

Time to break out your best curtsy.

It's this way.

The Crown Prince and Princess of Malvania.

-Hello, I'm Steve.

-Welcome.

-Pleased to meet you.

-Welcome.

Oh!

My name's Beverley.

So, enthusiastic formalities over,

and it seems Steve is off to hide in the toilet.

Tasha and Alex are acting

and they leave it to Bev to kick off the awkward small talk.

-Where do you come from?

-Malvania.

-Eh?

-Malvania.

-Malvania?

-Malvania.

-Malvania, ahh...

Principality in Carpathian mountains.

I have just been into the Baltics.

Oh, no, Beverley, don't mention the Baltics. They don't like it.

-We're not friends of Russia in Malvania.

-No, no.

-That's right.

-Many wars.

-Many wars, I know.

Like enemies of Malvania.

But long time ago! Long time ago!

Yes, but it stays here.

Yes, the memories of wars in past.

OK, Steve's back,

just in time to stop Beverley starting a diplomatic row.

Why are you talking in an accent?

Well, because sometimes they understand a bit more.

That's what I do, I tend to go into a bit of an accent.

So now, Tasha and Alex make an excuse to leave so that Steve

and Bev can bask in the presence of Malvanian royalty.

-They come from Mal...Malvania.

-Malvania?

-Yes, Malvania.

Have you got a map?

-Did we get a map?

-In map room, but not in here.

-Well covered.

-You have heard of Malvania? >

-I haven't actually, no.

People in Malvania, they are poor. They are poor. Are you poor or rich?

BEV AND STEVE LAUGH

I think...

We would say that we're not rich, definitely not rich.

-Not rich, but...

-But not poor.

-But we're not poor.

You have servant. >

BOTH: No.

Why not? >

I don't know, it's just not us, is it?

I should imagine Steve and Bev could do with a stiff drink right now.

But there is no time, because we're about to serve a traditional

Malvanian delicacy, the wholly organic and ominously named yak yak.

Oh, that's nice and refreshing, isn't it?

Everybody like this in Malvania, even poor people,

cos flower is eaten by yak, fermented urine of yak.

You have fermented urine drink in England? >

Right, so now it's a move over to the dining area

in preparation for lunch.

You want some more yak yak?

No, we're fine.

Oh, gift, gift!

-It's time for gift now.

-Gift!

SHE SPEAKS "MALVANIAN" Bring gift now.

Oh, gosh.

Let's try them with yet another Malvanian tradition,

exchanging lavish gifts.

Careful, careful.

Oh, wow, brilliant, look, it's one of those, erm, it's,

er...what is that? Looks horrible.

It is soil of our country and you wear on head.

It's like a hat, but it is symbolic, I put for you,

symbolic of all the history... oh, that's beautiful!

This is Holy earth, where all our ancestors buried

and this soil is like the history of the country but in a hat.

I want one. Oh, wait a minute, no, they're not real.

We need a photograph.

-Yes, yes. It fit! It fit!

-It fits, wonderful.

We'll sit here with these on, lovely.

And will it keep? Will it keep like this?

You must water, just once every two days.

But take off head before water.

Oh, yes.

Definitely.

-You have done this for us. I feel very, erm, heartfelt.

-They like.

-Thank you very, very much.

-Yeah, they did this for you, that's true.

It is going well. So what could possibly go wrong for them now?

Where is your gift for us?

Oh...

-Did you give gift to Nikol?

-No.

-No, no gift.

No gift.

You did bring a gift, didn't you, Bev?

Your gift is?

Our gift is, erm, that...

Is our, is our friendship.

Yes. That, er, hopefully...

-Thinking.

-..that this will be the start of a nice friendship.

This is good.

You, you are funny!

-You make joke.

-They make joke.

Where is actual, real gift?

Oh, I've had a job interview like this!

Real...well, as I say, we haven't got anything

because we didn't know that we were going to be meeting you.

I know you didn't.

Oh!

-Do not worry. We will not mention gift.

-Very, very sorry.

No, we are not hugely offended.

So, Tasha's set up her folks to get them

off her back about finding a boyfriend.

So far, they've endured uncomfortably long hugs,

the drinking of yak urine and the wearing of turf hats.

We'll find out just how much worse things can get

when we join them again later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, this is the lab where we develop all the technology

we need for our covert operations,

and I love it in here cos nothing is quite what it seems.

Take this watch for example. It may look like an ordinary watch...

-That's just my watch.

-But if I press this button here...

WATCH BEEPS: "She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain"

Think of the possibilities!

Fun fact for you, this exact watch was not used in the next assignment.

Right, who's next for the Secret Service treatment?

Nice short haircut, how can we be of assistance?

My little brother Mo is so cool and confident under pressure,

he's a real gentleman and a bit of a charmer.

He reckons he can handle anything you throw at him.

Can we put this to the test?

A lift to a swanky restaurant,

where Mo thinks he's going to meet his brother for lunch.

Instead, he's about to meet Agent Panic Attack,

who just so happens to have a phobia of being stuck in a lift.

And...the lift is stuck!

Who saw that coming? Honestly!

-Do you think it's stuck?

-Yeah, it is.

So it's all set up perfectly

for smooth operator Mo to come to the rescue.

LIFT ALARM BEEPS

'Hello, this is the lift operator. I can see you've called the bell.'

Yeah, the lift's just stopped.

'OK, bear with me and we'll get someone over to you ASAP.'

Oh, my God, I am not a good person to be stuck in a lift with.

-I'm very claustrophobic.

-Oh, right.

-I have panic attacks.

-Really?

-Yeah, like serious anxiety.

-It's only ten minutes.

One of the things I do with my therapist is association.

So, I have to visualise that I'm somewhere outdoors, erm...

-Beach?

-Perfect, perfect. OK, can you describe everything to me?

Er, it's very sandy.

Er, the wind's blowing in your hair. You're in your bikini.

Oh-oh, he's turning on the charm already.

There's a handsome guy who's sat next to you.

In a check shirt? Yeah.

-What's his name?

-Joey.

-Is your name Joey?

Well, everyone calls me Joey.

You're not supposed to be hitting on me!

This is the perfect time, actually, when you're vulnerable.

So, things are hotting up inside our broken lift already.

Mo is working his magic on our glamorous agent.

The ocean, maybe, can I hear the ocean?

-MO MAKES SWISHING NOISE

-That sounds like a vacuum cleaner.

I need you to make more of an ocean-type sound. Seagulls?

We asked her to play difficult, and she is.

Like from Nemo?

Yeah, like from Nemo. Can you do the seagulls?

IMPERSONATING SEAGULLS FROM FINDING NEMO: Mine?

-Yes, that's what they do.

-Mine!

-(Do it again.)

-Mine!

Oh, my...

-Do a squawk.

-I don't know what a squawk is.

-Like, whoa-a-rk!

-Oh, good squawk.

-MO CLUCKS HALF-HEARTEDLY

-Nah.

I feel like I'm there. Do it again.

-HE CLUCKS

-Sounded like a chicken, Mo.

(Thank you.)

'Hello, this is the lift operator, can you hear me?

'I'm afraid we're looking at another ten minutes.'

Oh, my God! Ten minutes, are you kidding me?!

You said that, like, ten minutes ago!

I'm claustrophobic, I have panic attacks,

I cannot handle this right now!

Oh, no, Agent Panic Attack is on the verge of another panic attack.

-What will Mo have to do next?

-My dog Betsy, OK.

Whenever I get stressed I pet her. Can I just pet you?

-Thank you so much.

-He doesn't mind.

Betsy, you're such a good girl.

I'm going to give you a cookie later when I get off the elevator.

Could you pant a little? Betsy pants a lot.

-HE PANTS

-This guy's unbreakable!

Mind you, he's got nowhere to run, has he?

-MO BARKS

-There's nothing strange about this.

-Yeah.

-Is Betsy hungry?

-Oh, is Betsy sad. Betsy sounds sad.

-No, no, Betsy's very happy.

He's still calm.

You sound so happy. D'you want to go play fetch later?

Give me the ball, give me the ball.

-OK, that is getting a bit strange now.

-Give me the ball, Betsy.

Oh, yes, I got the ball! Go, fetch. Go run! Pretend that you're running.

-Pretend...?

-Make the sound that you're running.

Oh, you're so good, you're such a good fetcher! Can I rub your belly?

-MO BARKS

-Oh, quick tummy tuck there from Mo,

our Ilford Adonis. He doesn't miss a trick, this guy. What a pro.

You're such a good girl, you are such a good girl.

But he's still hanging on in there. Any sign of an engineer yet?

No, cos, well, he's an agent as well.

-You're it.

-No, you're it.

-No, you're it.

-You're it.

-You're it.

Hide and seek now, no peeking.

-Hide and seek? Now you're talking.

-One, two...

Where's she going to go?

Oh, look, she's down there in the corner by the trolley, that's easy.

Coming, ready or not.

Oh, no. Where's she gone?

She's down there in the corner, by the trolley, Mo.

Yeah, I think he knows really. Yeah.

-Who's this?

-Finally!

-You found me!

How did you do that so fast?!

I'm going to count. I won't peek, I promise.

OK, think about your options, Mo.

Not got a lot of space here. Oh, he's going for low down, no.

Up, maybe in the corner? No. Come on, man!

Well, she's going to see you there, isn't she?

-I found you!

-Yay!

-You're not very good at this game.

-SHE SINGS

-# Old Macdonald had a farm... #

So, Mo and Agent Panic Attack have been

trapped in a lift for 48 minutes.

# With an oink-oink here and an oink-oink there... #

And to be honest,

it looks like the novelty is finally beginning to wear off.

# ..he had an octopus! #

Is he going to crack?

I don't like that one, actually.

-Can I spank your butt?

-Yeah, go for it.

THEY SING # Oh, baby, baby

# How was I supposed to know? #

Charmer Mo's brother wanted to see just how cool

and calm he can stay under pressure.

Seagull, dog, Britney Spears,

you can throw pretty much anything at him.

Nothing fazes the man.

'Hello, we will have you moving in one minute's time.'

Can you hurry up, cos this guy's a bit strange?

He's a bit of a weirdo.

Right, he's stood nearly an hour of this now.

I think it's time to get him out of there.

I can't stand any more and I'm just watching.

# I must confess, I still believe

# Still believe

# When I'm not with you I lose my mind

# Give me a...

# Sign. #

Higher.

# Sign

# Hit me baby one more time. #

'Hello there, good news.

'We'll have you out of the lift in a few seconds.'

Thank the Lord!

I got this crazy dude here, I gotta get out!

'Some more good news for you, Mo.

'You've been appearing on

'Richard Hammond's Secret Service on BBC One.'

Are you serious? Are you serious?

-Are you OK?

-I'm...!

-You're going to have a panic attack!

-Yeah, I think I'm...

So, Mo's brother Ro wanted to test him.

And it turns out he's unbreakable!

You're crazy!

You're insane!

I'm sorry. You're such a good sport!

APPLAUSE

So, Agent Panic Attack, are you really scared of small spaces?

Nope.

But you were in that lift for ages, I mean, come on!

D'you not feel like the walls are pressing in on you

and getting closer, all the time pressing down,

cos when I was a kid I got stuck in a wardrobe.

The clothes were above me and they were weighing down on me

and the walls were getting closer

and it just...I'm never going to get out of this!

Moths! There are moths in here! There are moths, get me out!

-PUNCH!

-Ow! Thank you.

-That made me feel a lot better.

-It was a pleasure, Richard.

So, back to Steve and Bev, who've been tricked by daughter Tasha

into thinking they're with the Malvanian royal family, all to get

her own back about their constant nagging about getting a boyfriend.

Time to take off the ceremonial mud hats

they've been wearing for the last hour.

I'm guessing they're cooking under there.

And here's lunch, just a straightforward vegetable soup.

So hopefully, no more strange Malvanian customs.

Oh, OK.

This is, erm, right...

This is Malvanian way, drink from bowl, not bowl to mouth.

Oh, I see.

You see, apparently, the spoon is yet to have an impact in Malvania.

It's good.

Remember, Steve and Bev are still going along with everything

because they think daughter Tasha is dating a royal prince from Malvania!

It's not real, made it up.

OK, whereas in the rest of the world, Pass the Parcel is

a children's game, in Malvania, it's an endurance sport.

Phew, finally! I'm shattered. What a game! Now, what's inside?

-Do I open it?

-Yes.

Yeah, go on, open it.

Eurgh! Ohh...!

-It is hoof of pig.

-Oh, yes.

-Is delicacy.

-Where's the rest of the pig?

-Very good prize.

-Yeah.

Well handled.

-That's very unusual.

-Isn't it?

Time for a musical interlude.

DRONING MUSIC PLAYS

THEY CHANT IN "MALVANIAN"

Steve and Bev are being serenaded by the crown prince himself,

a huge privilege if you're from Malvania.

I'm guessing slightly unnerving

if you're from Woodingdean near Brighton.

# Oo-oo-oo-ooh! #

Oh, Farike!

-Wonderful, wonderful. Very good.

-Enchanted.

Yes, enchanted is the word.

It's not the word I'd use.

Back into the fray come Tasha and fake boyfriend Alex.

Tash, Tash, what?

We're engaged!

What?! No!

Oh, happy day!

So Tasha and Alex are engaged,

and that means Steve and Bev think they're about to marry into royalty.

Before you can say, "Get me to the church," in comes a priest!

Must face the east.

So what an unusual day out for Steve and Bev this has turned out to be.

Three hours ago, they thought they were meeting Tasha's new boyfriend

for a stuffed crust pizza.

Now they're about to see her married off to royalty.

He's giving your daughter the greatest honour,

to make him his third wife.

Third wife?

Third wife is very, very important wife,

after first and second is best wife.

No, Steve and Bev are not going to be happy.

-So what have they got to say?

-Excellent.

I'm sure they'll be saying something any minute.

THEY SPEAK "MALVANIAN"

What does that mean?

You are married.

Steve and Bev now looking completely befuddled.

Time for a Malvanian blessing to reveal what a complete sham

this marriage really is.

ALL: We have just...

Star in...

ALL: Star in...

ALL: Richard Hammond's Secret Service on the BBC!

Oh, the penny's dropped. It's dropped.

You are the stars and you've been so brilliant!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I felt like it was something from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!

Bev and Steve thought their daughter had landed a right royal boyfriend.

You have servant?

-BOTH: No.

-Why not?

And bravely went along with every strange custom...

-It's wonderful.

-..tradition...

-It's hoof of pig.

-Ah, yes.

-Is delicacy.

-I can smell it.

..and downright lunacy

their prospective Malvanian in-laws could throw at them.

Enchanted is the word.

D'you know what? I reckon we can safely call this

Mission Accomplished.

Well, this is payback for all the time you asked me

-why I didn't have a boyfriend.

-Oh, brilliant!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, this terminal is our very latest piece of technology.

From here I can keep an eye on any of my agents working

anywhere in the world. Look.

It's not a touch screen, Richard.

Yeah, I know, it's dusty, it's dusty. So's your keyboard.

Clean that.

Now, we're always moaning about red tape in Britain.

You know, like, "You've got to have a permit for that."

"Don't park there."

"No, you can't take that penguin home, Richard, it's zoo property."

But I believe that we British are endlessly patient and polite

and I can prove it.

To do this, we've sent out a very official looking agent

to enforce as many made-up laws as he can.

Excuse me, sir. D'you know where you're going?

-D'you know where you're going to?

-Why?

-I just wonder, you look a bit lost.

-Why?

Well, because I've seen you looking left, looking right,

not totally sure whether you know where you're going.

I'm just wandering around, why?

Well, because we've got a time and motion study in place here

and there's exactly the problem that this postcode suffers from

specifically on Tuesday mornings.

-Really?

-Yeah. People just, you know, mimsying about not really knowing.

OK, well, I'll tell you exactly where I am.

I could have done you for the shade of blue that you're wearing as well.

-Really?

-Yes. Pastel's not allowed.

Are you...? Are you serious?

No, because on CCTV you're all grey, you just blend into the pavement.

-Really?

-Yes.

Excuse me, sir. I noticed you were just fiddling with your wallet there.

-Is that an old piece that you've got?

-It's not, well, it's a purse.

-The purse, then, sir, I was being kind. What's the age of it?

-No idea.

-It's old.

-Quite old, yeah.

-Are you happy with its functionality?

Oh, yeah.

I can issue on-the-spot fines today for the age of money receptacles.

Excuse me, madam, can I just stop you there?

Have you got a licence for this vehicle?

Have you got a licence for those nails?

Just stop you there, sir.

As you were.

-What's your first initial.

-Er, Y.

Why? Cos I'm asking you.

-Y.

-Why?

-Yeah.

-Cos I'm asking you.

-No, Y, the letter Y.

-OK, right, OK, OK.

-Your middle name is Michael.

-No, I don't have one.

-You don't have one?

-No, I haven't.

-Sorry, you sound...

-Wait a second, there's three things going on here.

You've got pastels, you got lost and no middle name.

Those...three things combined, but it's one charge sheet, OK?

That's the good news, cos it's only one fine.

I still don't believe this.

-It's not a wallet.

-No.

-It's a purse.

-Yes.

OK, that in itself is a felony.

-Is it?

-Yeah, a male should have a wallet.

You just said that if I had a wallet, that wouldn't be right.

Yeah, but it works both ways.

Can I just check your stopping distance in this?

-Have you got a licence for this?

-I don't need a licence.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

So, you can't have a purse, you can't have a wallet.

-Well, that's right.

-What are you supposed to keep your money in?

Well, it's a European directive.

-Yeah, but what do I keep my money in?

-Money belt, erm,

just a bigger bag, a bag. A piggy bank.

I can't believe it.

Look, I don't want to give you an on-the-spot fine for this.

You're a good guy and I can tell. So I'm just going to walk the other way.

-OK, fine.

-What I will ask, erm, if you just do me the favour

of walking one mile an hour quicker than you were walking, OK?

Everyone's a winner then

because that'll keep everything flowing nicely. OK?

-Have a healthy high street, sir.

-I won't say nothing.

-Thank you.

Healthy high street.

I'm going to give you a chance, OK?

Paper scissors stone for whether or not you take this.

D'you understand me?

You can pay this or you can do paper scissors stone, it's up to you.

-I'm not going to pay this!

-Well, OK, this is your chance, so let's play.

Paper scissors stone, ready? One, two, bang. Get ready.

One, two.

OK, you blunt my scissors.

-All right.

-I still can't believe...

OK, but please, please, that blue, no!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's that?

Killer robo bear.

-Trumps everything.

-Oh, damn!

You're good. Every time!

Right, onto our next assignment.

In this cynical world, people can be hurtful,

telling you that magic doesn't exist

or that there wasn't a staff Christmas party when there was one.

Oh, that really, really hurt.

But I think there can be magic in the world,

you just have to believe in it!

And what could be more magical than Teddy?

And who better to test this new toy

than a seasoned bunch of toy testers - kids?

Meet Sophia, Hayden, Sophie and George.

Aw, this is going to be so cute!

Oh, hang on, man down! I mean bear, bear down!

No, we can't touch this teddy today

because this teddy is not to be played with because he's broken.

Well, he's probably broken now.

So with grown-up Rebecca out of the room,

the kids are getting on with the serious business of toy testing.

Everyone hide in the tent!

-Whoa!

-Oh, my gosh!

-Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh! It spoke!

-Oh, my gosh.

-It worked!

The teddy bear's working!

-It's working! Everybody shout, it's working!

-It's working!

The talking bear can only come to life in front of children.

-It is magic.

-Thank you!

-My name...

-It's good to have you back, Teddy!

How old are you, bear?

Two months old?

THEY LAUGH

Have you got a mummy?

-Awww!

-I bet he's going to... Are you going to get married?

Do you have a girlfriend?

-What's her name?

-Tell us.

THEY LAUGH

Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!

Bear, can you please speak to Rebecca,

because if you just went to sleep, she won't believe us.

ALL: Awww!

We've got to...everyone just make a promise.

He is so sad about...

Let's all make a promise.

I promise. No-one tell Rebecca about the magic bear.

Magic bear, your secret is safe with us.

He's working! He's working!

Oh, well, that didn't last long!

You mustn't touch Teddy, he's broken.

-He was asleep.

-Don't be silly. Teddy's broken.

Phew, Rebecca didn't believe them and with her out of the room,

the kids and the magic bear are deep in conversation.

OK!

ALL: Pizza man, pizza man, give me pizza!

ALL: Pizza, pizza, give me pizza!

ALL: Pizza, pizza, give me pizza!

Pizza, pizza!

-LAUGHTER

-Pizza!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Did somebody order a pizza?

-Yes. The bear did.

He told us he wanted a honey pizza.

I'll just put it down there for you guys, yeah? There you go.

-Oh, my gosh!

-Enjoy.

-Pizza!

-LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

-I've got lunch.

-Bear! Say hello!

Where did you get this pizza from?

We were calling, "Pizza, pizza!"

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

He speaks clearly!

He's not speaking now, is he? Hello, bear?

But of course, when Rebecca leaves with the pizza,

Teddy comes to life again.

Well, that's why you should have said something.

If you say stuff to them, they won't give you to the teddy doctor.

Just say hi to Rebecca and then you won't go to the teddy doctor.

If you say that to Rebecca, then she'll take you back to your mum.

We will!

Afraid the grown-ups will send him to the teddy doctor,

Teddy has asked the kids to help him find his mummy and daddy.

Ah, here's your scarf.

THEY LAUGH AND SCREAM

CHILDREN LAUGH

CHILDREN LAUGH

And so, disguised as a human being,

Teddy left the shackles of his former life behind.

He made it into the lift, past the sleeping security guard

on the ground floor and through the strange rotating doors to find his

mummy and daddy and spread the magic back into a disbelieving world.

Bye-bye, Teddy. We love you.

They're not available yet, are they?

No, they're not in shops. Not in shops yet.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, we're agreed, no need for lawyers,

no need to involve the union, all right?

I'm sorry it got out of hand, I'm sorry the kids beat you up.

OK, deal?

Pleasure working with you. Take care.

(Oh, man, that was awkward!)

Actually, we tried that same mission before with another bear.

Sadly he got beaten up by kids as well,

and if that bear is watching,

I'm really sorry about your eye, Agent Pudsey.

Back to Agent Red Tape,

and his mission to test the patience of the nation

through the enforcement of more and more ridiculous phoney laws.

Can I just ask you something?

-What kind of music are you listening to there?

-Different, dubstep...

Dubstep? OK, well there's good news and bad news.

The bad news is I'm going to give you a ticket

because that's an inappropriate style of music, beats per minute,

for Tuesday afternoon.

The good news is it's my 1,000th ticket, so I get a big bonus.

One of the things that we're trying to clear up

is people listening to the wrong kind of music in the city centre.

If too many people listen to slow songs,

as they're going through their daily business in the thoroughfare,

everything slows down and gets clogged up in the city centre.

-What are you listening to?

-Me?

-Yeah.

-Memories.

-Andrew Lloyd Webber?

What have you got in your headphones at the moment?

-Journey.

-Journey?

-Yeah, Don't Stop Believing.

-Can I have a quick listen?

MUSIC: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

MUSIC: "Axel F" by Crazy Frog

MUSIC: "Final Countdown" by Europe

-This is American rock?

-Yeah.

EASY LISTENING JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

See, I find that uplifting, but it was smooth.

-Well, because that was just wrong, that music was wrong.

-Was wrong?

-Yeah.

-Why?

Just, it made me feel happy but it wasn't right for a Monday.

-For Monday?

-Yeah, for Monday morning.

As we go into the lunch hour, the beats per minute has to come down.

-That's fine, I can change it to Frank Sinatra.

-Yeah?

How would you walk to Frank Sinatra?

MUSIC: "New York, New York" by Frank Sinatra

Can you change to a different track, less BPMs?

-Yeah, something slower perhaps, yeah.

-What would you suggest?

-Something slower, Angels, Robbie Williams?

-That's a bit schmaltzy.

You want to try me with something else?

Have you got anything more poppy?

MUSIC: "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters

I like this. I'm going to take that back.

If you listen to that, then I'm going to rip this up.

If you're prepared to change to that kind of level of funkiness

then everything will be OK.

Hrr-hmm!

Hello.

(It's me!)

-(I'm in disguise.)

-I know it's you.

You're going to spoil the whole thing, can you go away?

I'll be your wingman. In the field, you're better off with two. You are.

-Jog on.

-I'll back you up.

-Yes, I don't want your back-up, thank you.

-I know all the lines.

-I'm a trained actor, Richard.

Ten years at the RSC.

Brilliant. It shows but it doesn't show, that's the weird thing,

because you're an actor.

If you weren't an actor it would show cos you wouldn't be as good.

-(Go away.)

-I've...I...

-You're spoiling it!

-Just tell me one thing before I go.

-OK.

-Where are the cameras?

-Erm...

Is he carrying... Has he got one there?

-No, he's not a cameraman, Richard.

-OK, what about these people here?

Erm, these people...

-She's a cameraman.

-No.

-This guy here.

-Please help.

You're spoiling it!

-Please don't speak to anybody.

-OK.

Why don't I use a French accent?

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-I could talk like this...

-Fool!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, I've finished my report on this week's missions.

What have we learned?

Well, firstly that the Malvanian royal family can't get upset

at their portrayal in this programme

due to their totally not existing at all.

That if you get stuck in the lift, you should try and stay cool and

not scream like a six-year-old with a moth phobia stuck in a cupboard.

And teddy bears can come to life, but don't worry,

they only attack when you're asleep.

Case closed. And of course, there's just one last thing to do.

Please, ladies and gentlemen, a massive round of applause

for the people who made tonight's missions possible.

The real stars of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Until next time, citizens, goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd