Episode 2 Richard Hammond's Secret Service

Ah, uh, I am most awfully sorry, Your Majesty. The lift has jammed.

Erm, don't worry, Your Majesty.

It happens a lot around here. All perfectly normal.

-What I'll do, I'll open the doors.

-GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

I'm going to climb down, and...

then I'll get my agents to come back and fix it.

We'll have you out in a jiffy, we'll carry on with your tour.

And then, maybe, we can talk a bit more about that OBE, Your Majesty.

Thank you. Agent Gemma!

Agent Gemma! Quick!

-Yes, Richard!

-Very important mission for you.

It's of the utmost national security.

Yes, Richard.

Erm...

No, it's gone. Can't be anything important. Never mind.

I never forget anything important.

Like I remember it's very important that I do not hit this button.

ALARM SHRIEKS

'Coming up on tonight's show...'

WOMAN SCREAMS

'Will this young trend-setter fool the art world into thinking

'he's the next big thing?'

'Can this smooth operator woo the girl of his dreams

'in a bonkers blind date?'

Will you marry me?

Yes, I will! Oh, my God!

'And will these shoppers still be smiling

'when they find out they've starred in a ridiculously fake TV advert?'

OK. Time for today's first mission.

And it's one of these two buttons.

Erm...

I'm going to go for this one.

Er, nope.

It's THIS one.

A super trendy art gallery

full of uber-cool modern art,

including the majestic centrepiece of the entire exhibition...

Please Put In Bin.

It's not really art, it's just a load of old rubbish.

Literally, more Turnip Prize than Turner.

But it is the setting for another secret service mission.

OK, we've set the scene,

let's get the details.

Me and my mates are always making fun of my friend Jason.

He thinks that his good looks and boyish charm

can get him out of any situation.

And I want to prove he's not the blagger he thinks he is.

Can you help me bring him back down to my level?

So Jack has brought Jason - who's on the left -

to the trendy art gallery.

Jason thinks he's there to help out with a major new exhibition.

We need to push the ultimate blagger to his limits

and where better to do this than a highly pretentious art gallery

where, ultimately, he'll be the one on display?

-Hello. Who are you?

-Jason.

-Oh, hello, I'm Becky.

-You'll be helping me out today. You all right?

-Yeah, fine.

Welcome. Um, so, I'll just talk you through the basics.

So, basically, this bit is where we show, like, pictures and stuff.

-Mm-hm.

-It's called a gallery.

So, that's the basics covered.

So this is the stuff we're going to be showing off today?

OK.

And most of this art is worth more than my flat.

Seriously?

Well, actually, all of it is.

It's an artist called Sammm Gerrard. With three Ms.

-OK.

-Sammm...Gerrard.

Um, so, it's quite exciting.

Do you like art? Are you into art at all?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Who do you like?

Um, I'm not, like, a big fan of art,

-but, obviously I can appreciate what people do.

-Yeah.

I really like Damien Hirst.

He did the one with the shark. You know that one?

Is he well known?

He's, yeah, really well known.

Right, OK.

-So who have you heard... Have you heard of anyone?

-No, not, like, not this sort of art, no.

-What about Neil Buchanan, Art Attack?

-Yeah.

So, Jason has heard of Art Attack, but not Damien Hirst.

He's in big trouble.

I'm just going to pop next door and get a coffee.

-What do you want me to do?

-While I'm gone can you...

Can you just clear away all the rubbish there.

Basically, the cleaning products go in a cupboard out the back,

-and this, just put out the front for the bin man.

-Right, cool.

Just put it out the front.

I'll be two seconds, then we can chill till they get here.

Tonight our gallery is showcasing a major modern artist

and Jason has been told to tidy the place up.

It does look a little barren in that one corner, though.

Is something missing?

So using the handy catalogue, Jason diligently familiarises himself

with each stunning piece of art.

Bless.

(BECKY ON PHONE) Defin-ately!

Erm, yep. All your work's here.

Looking forward to it, very much.

TENSELY DRAMATIC MUSIC

Uh-oh! What Jason's realised, is that what he thought was a load of old rubbish

was, in fact, a ridiculously expensive piece of art called

Please Put in Bin.

Which is exactly what he's done.

Oh, my God!

What are we going to do?!

I can't believe this.

That's like... That's, like, valued at £200,000.

Oh, my God!

-Like, seriously, we're going to get done for theft or something.

-Really?

Thing is, I wasn't meant to leave you on your own.

OK, listen, right, I'm sorry. I know it's not your fault.

Do you know what, that's not a bad idea!

Well, it's a plan.

Using the picture in the guide

and a load of actual rubbish,

Jason recreates the expensive art piece,

and I think he's hoping nobody will notice.

It looks good, honestly. You've just got to, like, trust yourself.

Feeling good? Game face?

You look worried. Have a drink.

I'm very worried.

Yeah, and so you should be, because here comes the artist, Sammm.

She's actually a Secret Service agent in a colourful disguise.

But that doesn't mean she's not going to be completely bonkers.

Rather you than me, fella.

Hi, I'm Sammm.

-What's your name?

-Jason.

Jason. I'm going to call you John. I'm calling everyone John today.

-I think it symbolises the fact that we're all equal in art.

-OK.

-Yeah.

-So, are you an artist, John?

-No, but I do appreciate art.

-Which is your favourite piece here?

-I like Drag.

-Oh, right.

-I like the fact that you

see the birds trying to escape.

So, if this piece had a mouth and it could speak,

what sound do you think it would make?

Like a soft sort of like...

-Go on, make it for me.

-Brrr, brrr.

-Do it again.

-Brrr.

-That's exactly what I had.

-We're obviously really on the same wavelength.

-That's good.

I really like you, John.

Where is Please Put In Bin?

Because that's the main shebang that everyone's here to see.

I can see all of the others...

Well, no. That's...

I don't think so. That's just rubbish.

No, I'd just like to know where it is, really.

-That's definitely not it?

-That's definitely not it.

That's just a load of rubbish in a corner.

And, you know, my piece took me almost three hours to create.

-Oh, hi.

-Hi, Sammm. Rebecca, hello.

-Hi!

-I'm so sorry, it accidentally got thrown away and we just...

-What?

What's happened to Please Put In Bin,

because I'm getting rather het up.

I don't know much about this, I've just been asked to come here today.

And I don't know any of these people and they asked me

to take out the trash.

I just need a moment to myself, now.

SAMMM SCREAMS

-I think she took that pretty well.

-Please Put In Bin!

So, on Jason's first day in the art world,

he's destroyed a piece of art thinking it was rubbish,

tried to create his own masterpiece to replace it

and pushed an artist to breaking point.

SAMMM SCREAMS

We'll come back later to see if our consummate blagger can convince

a gallery full of critics that he's the next big thing in the art world.

'Please welcome Excel.'

When my agents have been out in the field, it is

important they know they can return here, to a safe haven.

So, this is just a normal office, maybe like the one you work in.

This is just an ordinary computer.

This, just an ordinary stapler.

This, just an ordinary umbrella for keeping the rain off. Nothing more.

DART SHOOTS

Right, time for the next mission.

This chap clearly looks concerned about something. Fear not, friend.

Help is at hand.

My mate, Legzy,

thinks he's God's gift.

There's literally nothing he

wouldn't do for a good-looking woman.

His Achilles' heel? American girls.

He's such an easy target, you just can't miss.

-AMERICAN WOMAN:

-Hi! Are you Legzy?

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Liberty. How are you?

A cosy restaurant, the perfect setting for a blind date

and a romantic dinner for two.

And we set Legzy up with his Achilles heel,

special agent Liberty, a pretty, vivacious, American femme fatale.

..just keeping my options open...

Let's find out just how far this lady's man will

go for a pretty girl.

We're sat right in the middle.

Yeah, it's the best table!

Don't you like being in the middle?

I've never been to a restaurant where I'm sat in the middle.

-Really?

-Everyone's all around us.

Small talk over, Liberty starts to hot things up, Italian style.

I love anything Italian, the sophistication.

Even the language. You know how the language kind of flows.

Can you speak any Italian?

-Nothing.

-None at all?

OK, speak a little French.

Just basic. I'm sure it will. Just say whatever.

Oh my God! That's amazing.

What does that mean?

It means my name's Legala,

how are you?

Oh, my God. I love it.

Could you describe me in French.

Maybe give me a compliment in French.

What does that mean?

I'm fit?

Oh, that's awesome! That's so funny.

Ah, French, the language of love.

So, what's next?

In London, they have this thing called raproake,

and there's a stage and

you go up and you freestyle.

And I went there last week, OK?

No plans to rap.

But I got so into it.

I got up there and

I made up a rap.

-Will you wrap with me?

-No.

-Sing a little rap. Sing a little rap.

-Seriously...

-What?

So I'm going BIG.

# So all the ladies in the place With style and grace

# Allow me to lace these lyrical dishes in your dishes

# Who's got moves and make moves With all the mommas

# The back of the truck

# Sippin' Moet Is where you'll find me. #

Boom! High five.

I feel such a vibe between us.

Don't you? Can we just do one more?

Can we do Gangster's Paradise?

How am I not married?

Are you proposing?

Well, I've got a ring right now.

If you get on one knee and propose in a French accent,

I will say yes.

Are you kidding me?

Come on, do it. French accent, on one knee,

I will say yes. Let's do it.

-Can you do me a favour?

-What?

-LIBERTY:

-Hell, yes!

So, here's the deal. We don't know where this might go.

Let's say, in the future, it does go somewhere good.

Wouldn't it be funny to say

on our first date

that you actually proposed.

-LIBERTY:

-This is like a real relationship in five minutes. I'm loving it.

Legzy, Legzy! Do not fall in love with the Secret Service agent.

Do not... Too late, I think he is.

Recently, in New York and LA, all of the guys,

like, rock stars - Rod Stewart's

been seen on with it, loads of people.

Little dots above the eye of eyeliner.

Cannot see it,

but it just goes bam

it brings out your eyes. Actually...

No, no. Let me see.

Do I have it?

I've got it, it's special.

-What are you doing?

-I'm going to show you.

No, no it's clear. Shut your eyes.

It feels nice, doesn't it?

-Kind of like a massage.

-Oh, my God.

Special agent Liberty, pushing things as far as she can,

but she's not alone. We sent her in with backup -

everybody else in the room.

they're all agents.

Your eyes are just popping.

Excuse me, I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Are his eyes not just popping?

Are they not beautiful?

-They look really nice.

-She's just put make-up on me.

-Really?

-You can barely tell.

It's going to blend in. It kind of blends, a bit.

-It looks good, mate.

-Sorry about that.

-It's no problem.

Sorry to interrupt. Sorry. Did I embarrass you?

-Oh, my word.

-I'm so sorry.

It's out of order. Oh, my God.

I'll take a photo. Want a photo?

I'll take a photo for you.

I'm so sorry to bother you again,

can you just take a picture of us?

I'm so sorry. It's the last time we'll interrupt you. Sorry.

-Just a quick photo.

-Sorry, mate.

-Sorry.

It's not a problem. It's fine.

I love your beard, as well.

-Just going to do a little trim.

-What are you doing?

-Just at the front.

-What are you doing?

You've got a little excess just on the side.

-Oh, my word.

-Just one.

Just one or two, OK. I'm trained.

I can't believe you're doing this.

-Oh my God.

-Do you ever put wax in your beard?

-No.

-It's really good.

-What are you doing?

-It's really good.

Are you actually doing this?

-Serious?

-Seriously.

-What are you doing?

-Do you like a massage?

-Oh, my God.

Do you like a good massage?

Are you actually doing this?

He's going with it. He's going with this.

I'm actually doing this.

-Really, where does it end for this man?

-You're so warm.

We set out to prove there's nothing Legzy wouldn't do for

a beautiful woman, and I have to say

it's looking pretty convincing so far.

Thank you so much!

-Oh, my God.

-I'm so into beards right now.

-Oh, my God.

-So into beards.

Do you work out a lot?

Cos your arms are like ripped

and I can tell that you have nice pecs even through your shirt.

Oh, my God. I love press-ups.

I do them every morning. I do 30.

How many can you do?

Don't, don't. Don't do it.

I won't do them, but I need to see you can do them.

Let's get down and do push-ups. Let's do it. Come on.

Are you going to do with me?

I don't want to be left on my own.

Yeah, we're doing it.

Don't look at them. Let's go.

-Excuse me.

-What are you doing?

Would you guys like to see him do ten push-ups.

I think that would be pretty funny.

-I can't believe this.

-Let's hit this. Come on, please. Ten.

Come on, everybody! Let's do clap support.

Everybody's getting involved. It's fun!

It's fun. Seize the day!

Ready? And...

ALL: One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten.

PEOPLE CHEER

I can't believe this! What have you done to me?

Thank you.

Seriously, I love this.

Best dinner date ever, right?

You propose to me,

cos now I'm like, "Aaargh!"

all revved up, cos I want to get this proposal.

-Once you propose, I will calm down and be normal. Seriously.

-No, no.

Propose! Just do it.

He's going to propose, everyone!

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

Come on, everyone's waiting!

This is wonderful. I think he is going to do it.

There really is nothing Legzy won't do to keep his girl happy,

or shut her up.

That's OK.

Oh, my God!

Liberty Cooper, will you marry me?

Yes, I will! Oh, my God!

There you go. He did it all the way.

-What a guy.

-Oh, my God! I'm engaged!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

My husband.

And there's no length, Legzy,

that the Secret Service won't go to to get their man.

Enter best mate Lev to douse the flames of love.

Waiter!

Oh, my God. What are you doing?

You're on Richard Hammond's Secret Service on the BBC!

Oh, my God!

APPLAUSE

Oh, my God!

LIBERTY LAUGHS

Oh, my God!

Liberty, sa c'est bon ca?

Smooth operator Legzy couldn't believe his luck with this

blind date, but it soon turned into something he really wasn't expecting

and he couldn't help falling for Liberty, literally.

Liberty Cooper will you marry me?

Yes, I will! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

-What have you got to say, Legzy?

-I've got nothing to say.

Look at the camera there, tell them.

I haven't got anything to say. What can I say?

1,001.

1,002.

1,003. You know what,

I think I'll leave it at that.

Not one to show off.

Right, time now to return to Jason.

If you remember, he thought he was

helping out in a modern art gallery,

only to accidentally throw away

a bin full of rubbish worth a lot of money.

Time to see if artist Sammm,

with three M's, has come to terms with what happened.

SAMMM SCREAMS

That's a no, then.

I'm OK. I'm fine.

It's just that was a very important piece to me.

What made you choose this egg box here? Why did you put it there?

Cos that's how it was on the picture.

-Right.

-I tried to recreate it, as much as I could, compared to that.

-Oh, you used me as inspiration.

-Yeah.

What about this piece here?

-I couldn't find anywhere else to put it.

-Interesting.

I don't think he's even realised

the brilliance of what he's created.

It's clear to me that you, John,

are far and away the biggest

and most obvious genius of our time.

That's rubbish.

It is, and it's brilliant!

John, you don't realise.

So, Sammm thinks John, I mean, Jason,

has got real artistic talent.

Let's send in the gallery boss...

..just to mix things up a bit.

Why did you put it in the bin?

Because she asked me to.

If she asked you to jump off a bridge, would you do that?

I don't understand why you put it in the bin.

Can you explain it to me?

Please, imagine that I'm stupid.

I've told you.

I've told you countless times.

She told me to put the trash in the trash, so I did.

So you thought it was trash?

It says please put in the bin.

This is a gallery. We have artworks.

We have the names of artworks.

That is how this works.

-I just can't compete with this.

-What do you mean?

He's not aggressive or anything, is he?

I'm finished! Have you seen what he's created?

Have a look.

-It is striking.

-Yes.

SAMMM CRIES

In fact, it's brilliant.

I'm over!

Sammm...

I can't compete with this genius!

Let me just touch his genius one last time.

Right! I'm spent, I'm going!

So, thanks to Jason, the gallery has not only lost its artist,

but also the star exhibit, just 30 minutes before the doors open

to a host of VIPs from the art world.

-What do you think we should do?

-About this?

-About tonight.

-Just leave it how it is.

-And say what?

And...

I don't know. Keep it as mine.

Keep it as yours?

If you're saying that I've put my touch on it

and it isn't hers anymore, just say it's mine.

I would love to say that it is your work.

Well, if that's the way you're going to get through it,

then I'm OK with that.

I think there's a little idea brewing, here.

We do tonight as we said we would do it

and then I need to let them know

that in fact tonight is a launch, that we have a new artist.

-Someone they've never heard of.

-OK, yeah.

You happy with that? Can you do that?

-Yeah, I can do that.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Come on, talk to me.

-Where are you from?

-Norwich.

No, wrong. Start again.

-Where are you from?

-Brighton.

-Urban.

-London.

-London, where?

-Hackney?

-Hackney! Your name is...

-Jason.

-Can't be Jason, needs to be an artist's name.

-Excel.

-Excel. Yeah?

-Excel.

-Where are you from?

-Hackney.

-We're getting somewhere! What's this piece?

Throwing Away Your Troubles.

Throwing Away Your Troubles. That's what it's called.

So, Jason became John and has now become Excel,

an exciting new modern artist

who just threw some rubbish in a bin. Genius!

He now believes he's about to exhibit

to a gallery full of art critics.

So, without further ado, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Excel!

APPLAUSE

Excel will now tell you a little bit about himself, his history

and the history of this fantastic piece.

Let's just remember, Jason started the day with a bit of tidying up

and now he's about to explain the meaning of a bin full of rubbish

to a gallery full of critics.

This piece sort of gives me...

..joy to sort of make this

and throw away everything bad in my life.

So, as you can see, there's eggs,

there's coffees, there's biscuits.

All bad food and it's basically

getting rid of everything bad in my life.

So, that's it.

Thank you very much, Excel.

APPLAUSE

-MAN:

-So, what inspires you?

Umm...

Umm...

Nothing...

-..inspires me.

-Wow!

Is anyone else thinking they'll look at

the world of modern art differently after this?

We're lucky enough that, in a moment,

Excel is going to perform a piece of art onto a canvas.

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by PSY

# Gangnam style

# Gangnam Style... #

APPLAUSE

What a performance! What style. What a mess.

The art world love him, but the show's not over.

Time for Jason to become an art installation in his own right.

There is one person, though, who's not as impressed.

It's his best friend, Jack.

Absolutely rubbish!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Trendy Jason was told to tidy up and he did.

How was he to know that what he put in bin was in fact art.

-But, he bluffed like a pro.

-That's rubbish!

SAMMM SCREAMS

And then discovered that he was the next big rising star

of the modern art world.

APPLAUSE

Now, what I have here is an incredible new device

that allows you to actually hear

the thoughts of anyone who wears it.

The brain scanner.

Might be used for interrogating spies

and draining pasta.

Right, let's see if it works.

MACHINE BEEPS

'Mmm, pasta. Oh, hang on.

'It's me! It works!

'That means everyone can hear what I'm thinking.

'Right, come on, think clever thoughts.

'I like big books.

'Really difficult ones with no pictures.'

LAUGHTER

WIND HOWLS

CHICKENS CLUCK

'Is someone else in here with me? Hello?

'I'm going to take this off now.'

Doesn't work. I think it's broken.

Part of our remit, here, is security.

Really, you have no idea how much safer the nation is

with my agents out there on the street.

You wouldn't believe what some people

carry around with them on the streets of Britain.

In fact, they might not believe it either.

Luckily, we've got a brand-new piece of kit that can detect, well,

whatever we tell it to detect.

MACHINE BEEPS

OK, just stand here.

MACHINE BEEPS

MACHINE BEEPS

Looking good, looking good.

Looking good, looking good. Fantastic.

Were you aware of any metal item?

-Quite a suspicious-looking hat. Nothing to hide under the hat?

-No.

-No.

Do you mind if my colleague takes a look in your basket.

If you don't mind, sir, that would be great.

I'll tell you what's in there.

There is a steak and kidney pie and some shallots.

HE LAUGHS

-Oh, hello, what's this?

-OK.

-It's one of those again, is it?

-Any knowledge of that?

-No.

-Did you pack your bag today?

-Yes.

-OK.

HE LAUGHS

-OK, what's your first name?

-Paul.

-Paul.

Paul, sounds like pool. Is your surname shark?

Yes, that's the one.

-Paul Shark.

-Paul Shark.

I don't want to be rude, but that's a give-away.

HE LAUGHS

Did you ever consider being a pool shark?

I'd consider it, but I'd only do it to people I didn't like.

-Is that illegal?

-Yes.

You don't mind if I have a look in your back pocket, please, sir?

-I'll take these lottery tickets.

-OK, all right.

-So these just came out of your back pocket, have they?

-The side.

-Oh, in the side pocket, OK. Is that yours?

-I don't recognise that.

Where did you get that from? My back pocket?

That was in your right back pocket.

-We've got a chemical here that we can spray on these.

-Thank you.

What the gang do, believe it or not...

-OK, there's quite a bit there.

-OK.

-I'll just give it to you, Kev.

-OK.

With money-laundering, what we often find is innocent-looking bits of paper can...

Oh, look, there we go.

-Bingo.

-You've got no knowledge of that?

-I'm not sure what's going on here.

-We'll have to hold on to those.

-No, no, no. You're not having that.

-Are you saying this is yours?

-It is mine. I gave it to him.

-You gave him the money?

-He allegedly took it from my side pocket.

-That's where you keep the money?

-No, I keep it in my wallet.

-But you're saying that money is also yours.

-Yes. No, it isn't.

-It isn't yours?

-No.

COW MOOS

Can we just...excuse me. Have you got any dairy products on you?

APPLAUSE

Right, now we must move on to our next mission.

-BLEEPING

-Oh! Sorry.

Now we must move on to our next mission.

-BLEEPING

-What?! I haven't got... Oh, all right.

It's a collectors item.

Now, we can move on to...

-BLEEPING

-Oh, please! I haven't got...

BLEEPING

BLEEPING

BLEEPING

BLEEPING

BLEEPING

Um...guys, I think we might have to move my desk.

Right, on with the next mission.

The Secret Service fake ad company is in town,

complete with cameras, lights, lovable director.

Get me a decaf skinny latte served in an upside-down wigwam.

Stat. Action!

And very smiley presenter.

They need to find someone who will lie through their teeth

and through some fake teeth to take part in a TV ad

for a revolutionary, fake teeth whitening product, Diamond Grin 3000.

All we need now are some willing guinea pigs, I mean future stars.

Is that sugar-free? Oh, dear!

We don't want to use the treatment in public because it's quite painful.

-Have you done any telly before?

-No.

I didn't want to direct commercials, I wanted to do films.

But it didn't work out.

-You've done some films.

-Yeah, they've all been rubbish.

It's true, they all came back very badly.

You've got good teeth for this commercial.

They are not that good, I just brushed them, that's why.

-You brushed them?

-Yes, in the morning.

-That's the best time.

If you just have a seat for me, that would be great.

-Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then we'll begin.

-Action.

Diamond Grin uses a patented technique

which bleaches your teeth using bleach.

But don't worry, our independent tests have proved that it is 80% safe,

with fewer and fewer fatalities every month.

Does your smile turn off women and frighten children,

like this man's?

-Well, that's not going to work.

-That's not going to work, is it?

-She's got nice teeth.

-Got a nice teeth.

If we put a little bit of chocolate sauce, it will make them

-look a bit bad, is that all right?

-That's fun.

We'll use prosthetics. We'll have to.

Do you mind, you just slot them in.

-They're clean.

-Pop some on your finger.

Then just rub it into your teeth. Don't lick it all down. That's it.

-OK?

-Yes.

Yes, like that, perfect.

Oh, my God, they look hideous! Perfect.

With our BAFTA-repelling make-up and prosthetics applied,

our volunteers are ready for their screen test.

If you've got disgusting teeth like me, you could just have them

surgically removed and eat your food through a straw.

Or you could try new Diamond Grin whitening gel.

Women shun me and children fear me - why? Because of these.

-Well, some breathtaking performances.

-Cut.

Brilliant, you are natural.

But with only one role up for grabs,

the team have chosen a clear favourite. World, meet Osman.

Osman, meet the world.

At the end, just look as sad as you possibly can with what's happening.

Like a self-conscious smile, like...

And action.

My teeth are so bad I even talk with my mouth closed.

As sad as you can.

Like you are going to cry sort of thing.

You can even put your hands to your face.

How does it make you feel, having teeth like that?

Horrible, I don't want no-one to see my teeth.

They are so horrible, I don't like them.

That's why we are here with Diamond Grin.

You never have to hide your embarrassing, ugly smile again.

Don't look at me.

-I'm horrible.

-I'm horrible, I look hideous.

Don't.

Oh, I think I might cry. No, I'm OK, I'm not going to cry.

-Cut.

-Brilliant.

-Excellent, well done.

-Great.

Young Osman there, a clear front runner in this year's Oscar

for best man in a shopping centre pretending to have bad teeth for an advert.

-That was brilliant, have you been to drama school?

-No.

-That was amazing.

Apparently, the whitening process takes 12 months.

But how are they going to show this length of time in a fake ad?

We'll do that in front of the green screen, like the Star Wars movies.

Just like Star Wars, no expense spared. High-end stuff.

Those creative types, it is inspiring to see them at work -

the long hair and beard to show the passage of time.

Well, extreme hair growth is one of the side effects of the treatment.

-We're going back in time now.

-It's backwards actually, sorry.

There, you see, the magic of the movies, without the magic.

And in Uxbridge shopping centre.

# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... #

And then stop there, we're on August. Stop on August.

Well done. Brilliant.

OK, we've seen the before and witnessed, I presume,

what's meant to be the during, now it's time for the after

emerge like a toothy butterfly from a chrysalis.

Let's see those pearly whites.

-And action.

-Off you go.

And now, an important message from our sponsor.

Wait. If you listen carefully,

you can just about hear a penny dropping.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

I thought it was a bit bad.

Time then for the grand premiere of the finished ad.

Does your smile turn off women and frighten children,

like this man?

And is it harming your career prospects?

I'm afraid I can't give you the job. It's because of your teeth!

As you can see, my teeth are beyond disgusting.

SCREAMING

If only there was some way to fix the hideous disasters in my mouth.

Well, young man, there is - Diamond Grin 3000.

And if you have 12 whole months to waste - that's 365 days to you and me -

then call this fake number now.

Have your teeth treated with Diamond Grin.

You never need to hide your ugly teeth in embarrassment ever again.

I'm delighted to say that you've got the job. It's because of your teeth!

Diamond Grin 3000. Terms and conditions apply.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I think it's safe to say that this agency has, once again,

completed all its top secret missions with aplomb.

But what have we learned?

Well, that sometimes modern art is actually rubbish, on purpose.

That some men will do anything for love. And I do mean anything.

And that there is no such thing as the perfect smile.

Or is there?

No, there isn't, the case is closed.

There is just one last thing though, ladies and gentlemen.

Please, a massive round of applause for the real stars of the show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Until next time, citizens, goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd