Episode 3 Richard Hammond's Secret Service

Excuse the parachute, I have just finished

a very dangerous basejumping mission in Stevenage.

Hello, and welcome to my Secret Service.

Now, we're going to ask for help with all sorts of problems here,

everything from a cat stuck up a tree to a kidnapped president.

This week has been no different, we have been very busy.

I'd love to tell you more but I can't reach the button.

Can somebody at least push the button I'm not supposed to push?

Displaying secret files. Coming up on tonight's show:

The first day on any job can be tough,

but especially when it's as a wedding planner at a secret service marriage.

-She said I could have one!

-I didn't say she could have one.

-You did!

What has happened?

Being stuck in a lift has a very strange effect on this young lady.

SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

And what happens when a fake history show excavates your entire garden?

Who has let you in here?

I need to know this now, because otherwise you can get off my garden.

Look what they've done to my garden! I'm going to go mental.

HE BELLOWS

APPLAUSE

It is time for today's first mission,

which should be arriving any time now.

Right, thank you.

And that mission is...

"Dear Secret Service," good start, polite. I like it.

"My niece, Chelsea, always expects things to fall into place.

"She has no idea that we plan everything for her.

"Please help her to realise that making things run smoothly

"isn't as easy as it seems.

"Yours, Donna."

Well, Donna, you're in luck.

Because we are the masters of making things go wrong. Oh, not again!

A grand country house,

on a beautiful day. The perfect venue for the perfect occasion.

A wedding...with a difference. It's teeming with Secret Service agents!

They're here because Donna, an event manager from Coventry,

has asked her unsuspecting niece, Chelsea, to be a wedding

planner's assistant, helping ensure the bride has the day of her dreams.

Chelsea! That is my favourite part of town!

That's so great I'll bring you downstairs,

you stay here, we can't leave this room unattended. Now, Donna...

What Chelsea doesn't know is that Aunt Donna has set the whole

thing up to make sure Chelsea has a total nightmare.

The actual ceremony itself will be blissfully quick, because, I don't

know about you, but don't you just hate it

when people are going on and on and on about how much...

Oh, God, "I love you, I love you!" And all that rubbish!

So as Chelsea is used to being the one who gets looked after,

how will she cope when the biggest day in someone else's life

rests in her hands?

She wanted certain flowers, you know, the bride has her requests.

I couldn't get them, because they are not in season.

Like, even God cannot bring these flowers for her now!

So I got these - they look virtually the same, she won't realise.

-Right...

-So if she asks, you just show her the flowers and smile.

Remember, everyone at the house is in on the act -

time for Chelsea to meet the blushing bride, the stylist and

the best man who is documenting the big day on a camcorder.

Oh, they look wonderful!

But will the blooming bride notice that her blooming flowers

aren't the right blooming flowers?

I don't remember these ones, though.

-Oh, dear.

-Are these the ones I ordered?

He did say they were, yeah, they were the ones you ordered.

OK, it's just sometimes I get...

We chose them quite carefully

because I get allergies sometimes, but they are so nice!

Oh, I'm so excited!

Should we go and carry on?

So far so good, on this special day. The bride is happy

and now Chelsea is giving the coach driver bullet-proof directions

to ensure all the guests arrive on time.

'Sorry, I didn't get that, what road?'

It says take your first left into Catford Road on the A2...

-'This isn't making any sense!'

-I'm just reading the instructions, sorry!

-'Hang on. I'm going into a tunnel.'

-Hello?

I don't think the guests will be arriving any time soon.

Oh, my God. I think I've had an allergic reaction to the flowers!

-Let's have a look.

-Look! Don't with the camera!

-Can you see it? Is it obvious?

-Uh, no!

If you have your make-up put on...

-Do you think we could have some more make-up on?

-You look beautiful anyway!

I just feel really, I just feel a bit itchy. Oh, my God.

Are they the flowers that you ordered?

I don't remember the long ones, I don't remember them.

Calm down and get yourself... Stress, it might go down if you calm down a little bit.

Oh, it'll be OK, won't it?

Oh dear, looks like those flowers have given the bride a nasty rash.

(She's pretending.)

Time now to meet the bridesmaid, 10-year-old Evelyn,

who happens to be one of our most lethal operatives Agent Cupcake.

-You look beautiful.

-Thank you.

Don't fall for it. Don't fall for it, Chelsea.

I'm just going to check on her for a few minutes, can she sit in here?

She can sit down, sit on a chair, that's fine.

-So, can I have a cupcake?

-Well, wait until.. Is it your mum?

-Yes.

Wait until she comes back and you can ask her.

I won't tell her if you won't, she'll say no.

You can have one when the wedding is over, it won't be long.

How about you let me have one now?

-I can't really let you have one now, I'll get you...

-PLEASE?!

Uh-oh.

Please?!

-We'll ask your mum when she comes back.

-PLEASE?

-We'll ask your mum.

-PLEASE?

-We'll ask her.

-PLEASE?

I said please, you imbecile! What don't you get about please?

I can't really give out the cakes, they're not mine to give out.

Is everything OK with these?

-Yeah, well, she's had a bit of an allergic reaction from a flower.

-OK.

Oh, she's eating a cake!

Oh, no. Cupcake's got her hands on a cupcake -

chocolate and white dresses don't mix.

-Anyway, the courier company has just called...

-Oh, she's in a right mess.

-Where's the maid of honour?

-I'll get her, it's not a problem.

That was really yummy.

-Oh, you're going to be in trouble.

-No, I won't.

-Don't touch any more, then.

-Why?

Because you'll be in trouble, look at your dress.

-Oh well.

-She's just...

She said I could have one!

I didn't say she could have one.

-Yes, you did!

-I can only...

-You need to sit on the naughty step

and think about what your actions have done!

She let me have one! She sat on that chair over there and just laughed!

I didn't. I said that she couldn't have one.

-Oh! Did Gareth sort it out with Carrie as well?

-So sorry.

Come on, let's go and tidy you up, come on.

According to her auntie,

Chelsea doesn't realise that making things run smoothly

can be a tough ask. One thing's for sure,

she certainly won't want to see another cake for a while.

Which is a shame, as no wedding is complete

without a giant, lavish wedding cake like this.

Dread to think how much a cake that big costs.

-Thank you. It's just going over to this square table.

-You got this?

Ooooh...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I didn't want to drop that!

Hello.

What happened to the cake?

This is probably not the best time to meet the groom.

She dropped it.

I was doing you a favour, lifting it up there.

I could not possibly carry it on my own. I'm so sorry.

-My future wife cannot ever find out about this.

-Yeah.

Please, please, whatever happens, let's just get it cleaned up,

and you'd better go.

It's safe to say Chelsea's first day as a wedding planner

is not quite going to plan.

I just feel a bit itchy. Oh, my God!

The bride is covered in hives,

their cute little bridesmaid is covered in chocolate icing...

You need to sit on the naughty step

and think about what your actions have done!

And the floor is covered with the wedding cake.

Chelsea is used to things just falling into place,

but now everything is just falling apart.

How much worse can things get?

We will find out when we come back later.

APPLAUSE

OK, now, this is very exciting.

On her way down is a tiny agent with a big heart.

She is as adorable as she is deadly. It's the wonderful Agent Cupcake!

LIFT BELL PINGS

Ma'am.

-You may sit.

-Erm, here? Thank you.

Don't forget, Hammond, we've got your annual appraisal coming up.

Yeah, I know, I'm looking forward to it.

You're not expecting a pay rise, are you?

No, no, no! Well...

-No, no.

-Good! That concludes our meeting.

LAUGHTER

-Are you still here?

-No, ma'am, no, I'm gone. Isn't she great?

Still not entirely sure how she got to be my boss.

Her background's in retail!

My sister is a massive extrovert,

she reckons she is a really good problem solver.

She dreams of being on a plane

and being able to put her hand up

when someone asks if there is a doctor on board.

She's not even a doctor.

I do want to give her the chance

of being a hero for the day,

and to embarrass her wouldn't be too bad either.

MUSIC: "Nine To Five" by Dolly Parton

# Tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen

# Pour myself a cup of ambition

# And yawnin', stretchin' Try to come to life

# Workin' nine to five What a way to make a livin'

# Barely gettin' by It's all takin' and no... #

Aaah!

Check it out! It's all in the detail.

Magazine, girly yoghurt, all of this.

You've really got to pay attention,

you've got to bring the character to life

to make it believable for the public. Today, I am Susan Edwards,

I am a call centre lady for the lift engineer company.

HE WHISPERS

Well, no, of course they can't actually...

See, it's on the phone, but that's not the point, you see,

it all helps, you have to become...

So, Rosie has been told to come to this flash London address

where she thinks she's going to meet boyband The Wanted.

I don't think that's going to happen.

But she will get to meet Agent PR Disaster, whose boss,

apparently, believes she is at a meeting in London Zoo with

a number of international VIPs.

Oh, no! The lift's stuck. Huh!

-No, no, no.

-Oh, my God.

-I am so late right now.

Oh, my God. Good idea.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Hello, this is the lift operator.

We've had a technical fault reported with your lift.

Yeah, it's kind of stuck.

It may well correct itself in time,

but what I'll do is send an engineer out to you ASAP.

OK then.

'Yeah. With the groundwork done, it's time for me

'to hand over the helm to one of my junior agents.'

-I'm going to lose my job!

-'I appreciate that, madam,

'we'll get someone out to you as soon as possible.

'Can you confirm your location?'

-Baker Street?

-Baker Street.

34 Baker Street. 37? 34?

-I thought it said 80...

-37. No, 87. 87.

-83? 83.

-83 Baker Street.

Now, Rosie seems pretty switched on.

This may be trickier than we had imagined.

'We are going to get the technician out to you as soon as possible.'

Remember, Agent PR Disaster's boss thinks she is at the zoo with

representatives from all over the world.

Oh, that'll be him now.

It's my work phone. Hello?

-'Hello, Diane?'

-Hi, Paul.

-Tell him...

-'How are you?'

-I'm good, how are you?

-'Yeah, I'm OK. Are you at the zoo?'

Yes, yes, I'm at the zoo right now and we, um,

we are just going through the gates, we are just opening the gates.

Oh, great sound effects work. It's almost like being there!

And we are walking through the, er,

through the enclosure.

'OK.'

-Oh, my God, are you OK? You nearly just got hurt right then.

-I did.

This lady just bumped into me, Paul.

Rosie immediately mucking in and giving our agent

a helping hand in lying to the boss.

'You need to be meeting the guys any minute now.'

No, Tomas is with me right now.

'Hi, Tomas, how are you?'

Swedish, Swedish.

'Hi, Tomas, how are you?'

BAD SWEDISH ACCENT: Hello? Hello?

Me no speak Ingles... Me no speak...

SHE SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH

OK, Swedish Tomas sounding a little Japanese to me! But, you know...

'Is that Mr Yakamoto?'

That's a piece of luck,

the boss thinks it's another one of the guests,

the renowned Japanese vet, Dr Yakamoto.

Konnichiwa...

SHE SPEAKS IN FAKE JAPANESE

What, is she conning us now? I'm confused!

'Could you get Dr Yakamoto to speak English, please,

-'I'm not picking any of that up.'

-Of course, yes.

'Hello, Mr Yakamoto?'

Hi... Hiya. Yes.

'Hello, how are you?'

Good. We'll be there in... five minutes.

'OK. I did hear that...'

-Well done, Rosie, this is going well.

-'Is David there, Diane?'

Yes, yes, David is here as well.

COCKNEY ACCENT: 'Ello, guvnor, you all right?

-It's David 'ere. How you doing?

-'Yes, I'm very well.

'It's good to finally speak to you.'

That's great, it's so nice to speak to you too.

OK, sounding a bit Australian. Rosie seems to be getting away with it.

'Whereabouts are you?'

We are at the monkey enclosure.

Oo! Oo!

-Oo-oo! Oo-oo-oo!

-'OK, I can hear them, that's great.'

Grrr!

-Whooooo!

-Do you hear the elephant?

-Whooooo!

Ee-ee! Oo-oo! Ooh! Ee-ee! Eeee!

SHE CHIRPS AND SQUEAKS

Wow, she actually is Dr Doolittle!

'Can you take some photos of the gorillas, please?'

Er...yeah, sure, sure.

Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!

-Yes, I'm getting very good shots of the monkeys.

-'Nice touch.'

They are fantastic.

Amazing, beautiful. I've got the best shots for you, ever. The best.

So she's being the photographer as well as the animals now?!

This is brilliant.

I just want to check, David, Yakamoto and Tomas,

that you all happy with what you've seen.

Can you guys concur on that?

AS ALL THREE: Concur. Concur. Concur.

-'Hi, this is the lift operator.'

-Diane, what is that lift operator?

What...? What is going on?

No, she didn't say it is the lift operator.

-That's Dr Yakamoto doing an accent.

-I'm doing an accent.

AS COMPUTERISED VOICE: We are going to approach the next station.

See? Would I lie to you?

She is in the zoo, doing her job, like she's supposed to be doing.

'I've got good news for you, you will shortly be moving.'

-You're in a lift!

-No, no, we're not in a lift. Seriously, listen!

Do animals, do animals.

-Ra-ar, ra-ar!

-There's cats.

-Ooh-ooh!

-There's monkeys.

-There's elephants.

-Woo-ooh!

-Llamas.

-OK, Diane, I got some bad news for you.

-Yeah?

OK. You are totally fired.

Rosie, I've got some good news for you.

You've just been on Richard Hammond's Secret Service on the BBC.

Oh, my God!

Rosie there, realising her dream of saving the day,

rising to every imitation-based challenge we could set her.

A little thank you very much to her sister

and I suspect she's got something very similar to say to yours truly.

SHE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Ah, but these are all good things she's saying.

I'm not totally fluent in Japanese Swedish,

but if I've grasped it correctly,

I think she said something about me being a magnificent human being.

Something like that. But wait. What's that I hear?

Wedding bells?

Inside this stately home,

a dream wedding is turning into a nightmare...

for Chelsea, whose first day

as a wedding planner is not going as smoothly as she would've liked.

The bride has hives and the cake has been destroyed.

Chelsea, best keep that small detail to yourself.

-Has my cake arrived?

-It hasn't yet.

-We're trying to get that at the minute.

-OK, can you let me know?

I can't wait to see it. Oh, I'm so excited about the cake.

Carrie, you are looking beautiful. With your hair.

Oh, my goodness, look at you... Oh, ja.

Please, sit, OK...

-Aargh!

-Oh my goodness!

-Oh, no!

-What has happened?

-It's fine. It's fine.

Er, that's far from fine.

Somebody...say something?

-Is there any way that we can sew it back on?

-You sew it?

-We need to sew.

-Let me see.

-I'm going. I can't stay in here.

-It's not too bad.

-Oh, my God!

We can just do some sewing!

This has never happened to me.

I couldn't imagine this would happen to me when I'm helping out like this.

Oh, my God, you come on such a special day.

So a few things have gone really badly and a few, even more badly,

but as long as you have friends and family by your side,

you can get through anything.

And thanks to the directions Chelsea gave earlier, I'm sure

the coach-load of friends and family should be arriving any second now.

-Hello, Derek?

-It's Derek. I don't think this is right.

-Where are you?

-I'm on the Woolwich Ferry. What do I do now?

-He's on the Woolwich Ferry.

Dude, you're going in the wrong direction! It's Dulwich.

I spoke to a lady who gave me the directions.

All right, Derek, forget about it. Forget about it.

The guests aren't going to be here.

I don't know who gave directions, but he's well off the mark.

It's just... It's ridiculous.

Right, no guests, no dress, no cake -

and the bride's locked herself in the toilet.

So, no wedding.

And no going to the toilet.

She's not going to go through with it. She's got hives. No guests.

I don't want to marry her after what she just said to me, to be honest.

I think this is just before... This is nerves.

It's just nerves, yeah. Things are going...

-It'll be perfect at the time.

-It will.

My grandfather has come all the way from New Zealand for this.

He won't make another trip.

MAN: He's about 150 million years old.

He needs to have a wedding.

It's maybe crazy idea,

but maybe we could get one of your friends to stand in.

And then he has not had a wasted day

because this is as much his day as yours. We just need someone.

I can't help feeling there's a white elephant in the room right now.

-Do you think...?

-Would you...?

-Would I...?

-Would you just stand in?

-Would I stand in what?

-Stand in for Carrie? My grandad would die happy.

It would simply just be, we'll just go through the actions.

-He'll hear it, and then we'll take him downstairs.

-What about Carrie?

-Is she not going to come round?

-She's not coming down today.

-Shall we do this?

-Um...

-It'll be very quick, we'll just do it now.

Get it over with.

Whatever they need to do to make their family happy,

-I just don't want to cause any more arguments.

-She will do it!

# Congratulations! #

So Chelsea was set up by her Aunt Donna to oversee

the wedding from hell.

As Chelsea doesn't want to disappoint the only guest here,

she's now agreed to stand in as the blushing bride.

-Carrie.

-Oh, Carrie, you look so beautiful.

We are gathered here today before God...

If we could just move on to the vows, that'd be great.

Yes, certainly.

In which case, I am obliged to ask if any person here

knows of any just cause

why these two people may not be joined in matrimony.

Speak now, or for ever hold their peace.

I have!

I pronounce you having starred on Richard's Hammond Secret Service!

So wicked Auntie Donna put Chelsea through a hidden camera mincer

and she got well and truly minced.

From the blushing bride - literally...

Do you think I'm having an allergic reaction to the flowers? Look!

Don't with the camera!

..to the tantrums and chocolate...

I said please, you imbecile!

She said I could have one.

..and that cake-tastropy, which really tore it.

She started the day as the assistant and ended as the bride.

Her auntie really put the boot in.

Donna one, Chelsea nil.

I was nearly crying, standing there. With the little girl as well!

I nearly cried when she shouted at me! I'm so embarrassed.

Right! This next mission calls for our best agent.

-Not you, Agent Nigel.

-Oh.

-Sorry.

No, our best agent is a well-known ornithologist,

which means birdwatcher.

I should know, I'm quite the expert myself,

just last night I spotted a small striped one nesting in my garden.

Emu. Or possibly a penguin. This man will know, though.

-Activate Agent Bill Oddie.

-Agent Oddie initiated.

Bill, this is so exciting.

Not just the scale of this mission, but also the subject.

Cos I love history.

Really?

And what is it exactly that you love so much about history?

Well, you know,

some of my favourite memories are in the past.

Yeah, history. Makes sense, Agent Oddie. Back to the coalface.

He respects me, that man. He does.

Is this real?

With Agent Oddie raring to go, let's find out more about the mission.

My wife Hayley is extremely protective of her house

and very house-proud.

A couple of lads decided to take a detour through her back garden,

and believe me, they'll never be doing that again.

She assures me that she is not over the top.

But help me prove that she really is.

To put Hayley to the test, we've created our very own history show,

Time Zone Live, which will broadcast from her garden.

We'll use every weapon in our medieval televisual armoury

to find out just how worthy an adversary Hayley is.

My agents descend on Hayley's beautifully manicured garden

and quickly wreak havoc,

transforming it into a Time Zone Live pit of despair.

Everything is coming together for this mission.

We have the actors and the cameras on location. Agent Oddie is ready.

We are good to go...

OK! I think I've found the hole!

The stage is set. Or hole dug, I suppose.

And here comes a slightly serious-looking Hayley...

First in the line of fire is our overworked director.

What are you doing in my garden?

We're filming here today for Time Zone Live.

-Nobody's told me you're filming here today.

-Sorry, can I take you away from the filming...

I just want you to tell me what you're doing in my garden...

-Can I just take you over here...

-I just want to know what you're doing, in my garden.

-It's a history show, for...

-But who's given you permission to dig up my garden?

-My production manager sorted it out.

-Are you in the right garden?

-Definitely.

-Have you spoken to my husband earlier, when he was here today?

-No...

So you've just randomly come into my garden, and dug it up?

Who has let you in here?!

I need to know this now, otherwise you can all get off my garden.

Looks like husband Jon was right, as the team begin to reap the Hayley whirlwind.

This could be a very short show.

Let's add fuel to the fire now, and introduce our lady from the council.

-So it doesn't usually look like this?

-No...

Oh, of course, there's always a massive hole and Bill Oddie in Hayley's garden, isn't there(?)

Right. Unfortunately I think what's happened

is this area has been designated as a kind of historical hot spot.

You can't clear it without me, it's private property.

I'm afraid we can, because what they find in there

can end up in a museum or something, we all have responsibility.

We will have to be out before half six, because we'll lose the light by then.

-If I could grab you in...

-I'll see what you find.

I don't know anything about this, I've just come home from work, and my garden's dug up.

Hayley seems to have calmed a little.

Maybe we misjudged her passion for history - as she agrees to take part in the show.

-DIRECTOR:

-Three, two, one.

The further down you go, the older it gets,

so at the bottom we're looking at sort of pre-Roman, pagan era.

We think some of this at the lower part dates from the 13th century.

-Do you want to give that a taste?

-No.

-BILL:

-Looks like cocoa.

Just have a little taste, I'll get another one for you.

Mmm. It's got a sort of metallic...

Yeah, it does. That metallic thing is interesting.

That is a classic sign that this area would have been

-used as a latrine in the 13th century.

-Thank you, Gemma(!)

What else have you discovered?

MAN: I've got these, a fair few coins.

-Shall I have a look...?

-Oh, be careful!

Roman coin. You can tell by the weight.

How much would you guess that something like that is worth?

-A lot of money.

-Between £2,000 and £3,000.

-Do I own it if it's on my land?

-We've been talking about this earlier today.

It's called regalia minora, which means it's legally the property of the monarch.

Right. So, it's the Queen's. Like she hasn't got enough!

So, the huge hole in her lawn, dirt tasting and even the fact that

she can't make money from this experience,

having little or no effect on Hayley's demeanour.

-DIRECTOR:

-In three, two, one.

Hello. We're looking at some of the geothermal scans.

Now, this is what is interesting us, this section here.

We think that is a public right of way, leading from the church

underneath the property,

going across the garden and leading off that way.

So, basically, if you've got one of these ancient sites,

there is an obligation to keep it open.

You can't knock down a house or do anything like that?

Well, if there was a footpath that existed, it would have to go through the house,

-but they have to excavate what they find.

-Yeah, but that's... No, you wouldn't.

Finally, it seems, the fake enormity of the situation is sinking in for Hayley.

-Oh, my God, seriously?

-Yeah.

-Seriously seriously?

Seriously seriously. I know it feels very surreal.

Really? Promise?

-DIRECTOR:

-We'll lose our light in about half an hour.

And here come the local medieval re-enactment group

to add their middle-age weight to the programme.

Surely this group of unwashed men in tights

arriving in your garden is enough to rile any homeowner?

No. Apparently not.

-DIRECTOR:

-In your own time, go for it.

Hi there. You all look completely fabulous. We all agree, don't we?

They look fabulous, I wonder how they sound, though.

It wouldn't surprise me were you not to have a song or two in you.

-Do you?

-Do you?

RUSTY SOUNDING NOTE IS BLOWN ON HORN

NONSENSE "MEDIEVAL" LYRICS: # And find we did a nonkley nob of peddy-wondle doo

# And said we did to lady fair

# Oh braunle-boncle boo. # Chorus!

# Oh braunle-boo, oh braunle-boo, oh braunle-boncle-boo

# And said we to the lady fair...

HE HOLDS NOTE...

NOTE IS STILL BEING HELD...

# ..Oh braunle-boncle boo! #

What does that actually mean?

Sirrah, Master Oddie, the meaning is lost in the history.

This is not the reaction husband Jon predicted.

We are failing miserably at this, so let's send in hubby Jon to see if he can help.

-Glad my husband's back.

-After all, this is entirely his fault.

-How long's this been going on for?

-I just came back from work.

New recruit agent Hayley's husband immediately on the front line.

Is it, Jonathan?

Don't break, don't smile. Bad thoughts, think bad thoughts.

-No.

-Brussels sprouts, traffic jams, mother-in-law,

Garibaldi biscuit factory on fire.

-Bad things, anything, hold it together!

-No.

-Good man.

You lied to your wife's face impeccably.

Time for my agents to raise the stakes one last time.

Sorry, what should have happened, we're supposed to knock on doors, get permission to come in.

But now we've found stuff there is a legal obligation to allow an excavation to continue.

And that could go on for up to 48 hours. Or maybe longer.

-Not through the night or anything, though?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-I will go mental with whoever...

-Yeah.

We need to get a few links finished, otherwise we don't have a programme.

We are here - would you mind if we just shot a couple more things?

Yes, I think she does mind. But this is history in the making,

and Time Zone waits for no man, or woman.

On with the show - which apparently is going to end in dramatic fashion

with a public phone-in deciding something very, very important.

Right, it's the decision time, and it's up to you at home.

There's Sandi Toksvig and her ancient toilet, or...

there is this place, with its cornucopia of discoveries.

I think it's time for Gemma's special countdown.

I'm very good at this. To build tension I'm going to do a countdown.

I think it's appropriate if we do it in Roman numerals, so everyone...

X, IX...

I'd like to watch this show, it's good! When's it on?

..VI, V, IV,

III, II, I!

ALL CHEER

And right... The results are in!

It's Hayley's highway!

Which means that we're going to be here for several days,

digging up more and seeing what else we can find.

Right, fine. Ooh, what? Ah! Ah!

And another bit of good news, yes.

You, Hayley, have just been taking part

in Richard Hammond's Secret Service!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I did say there was something! I just thought... oh, God! So evil!

You're so convincing! I can't believe it! I'm shaking!

Honestly, I was going to be so rude at first.

I was getting really irate.

"How dare they come in my garden! I'm going to go mental!"

I was all ready to...I was seething!

I was shaking! I was like, "They can't possibly do this!

"I need to see something in writing! I'm going to call the police!"

Hayley came home to find fake TV show Time Zone Live

had landed in her garden, destroying it on impact.

You've just randomly come into my garden and dug it up?

Who has let you in here?

I need to know this now, otherwise, you can all get off my garden.

We tempted her with buried treasure.

Do I own it if it's on my land?

We even serenaded her...

HE SINGS LONG NOTE

..before finally crowning her queen of her own back yard.

This is a Roman gnome, or a Gnoman,

and you can have that as a sort of award.

-I think that would be fair.

-Oh, I love it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now that WAS mission accomplished, and thanks...

Shut up! Some people are trying to work here!

Oops, sorry, ma'am.

I could end you. Like THAT.

Harsh, but actually true. So onto the next mission.

No-one likes being caught out telling a lie,

especially when they're telling the truth.

We're hitting the streets of Oxford with our very own lie detector.

But this is no ordinary lie detector.

The Truthometer 2000, as I like to call it,

uses eye recognition technology with voice pattern analysis

to indicate whether a person is telling the truth or not.

Actually this is a kind of prototype.

Definitely a work in progress.

Basically what I'm saying is,

it's fake, and we decide what's true or false.

Time to unlock some public secrets.

I've never been so on edge about simple questions!

Does it hurt?

-Dennis, do you wear the trousers in the relationship?

-Yes.

BELL That's true.

SHE LAUGHS

-Do you ever steal food from the supermarkets?

-No, never.

BUZZER

-Not even a grape?

-Never!

-BUZZER

-Oh...yes.

-Yes, actually. A grape!

-BELL

Oh, there you are, look! The test never lies!

Do you fart when people are around?

-Yes.

-BELL

-THEY GIGGLE

-That's a bit revealing!

-Yes, it is!

-Have you farted in the last five minutes?

-No.

-BUZZER

-Really?

-Yes, absolutely.

-BUZZER

-Do you have girlfriends?

-Yes.

-BUZZER

-THEY LAUGH

-No, I do, I do! I honestly do!

BUZZER BUZZES REPEATEDLY THEY LAUGH

-Do you love your wife?

-I do.

BELL THEY LAUGH

-I passed!

-Don't ask me the same question!

-Do you love your girlfriend?

-Yes.

BELL

-Do you ever wear her clothes when she's not home?

-No.

BELL Really, Derek?

When she IS home.

-Kinky!

-I'm an entertainer.

Sonia, are you happy with how Dennis dresses?

Sometimes.

BUZZER SHE LAUGHS

Dennis, do you like Sonia's outfit today?

-Er, not particularly.

-BELL

THEY LAUGH

Have you been checking out the ladies today?

-No.

-BELL

-Have you been checking out the boys?

-No.

BUZZER HE LAUGHS

Do you ever look at pictures of Mark's wife?

-Yes.

-BELL

MARK GASPS THEY LAUGH

-Do you find me attractive?

-Absolutely.

-BUZZER

-Oh, ooh!

-You don't have to lie.

-I didn't lie!

-BUZZER

How do you rate your looks, ten being really hot?

-Six.

-BUZZER

THEY LAUGH

Where do you really rate yourself?

Try seven.

BUZZER THEY LAUGH

-Would you put him up as a nine?

-Yes.

BUZZER SHE LAUGHS

-Where do you rate yourself?

-Ten.

BELL THEY LAUGH

I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!

I don't think ten at all!

-Do you think you're really hot?

-No!

BUZZER THEY LAUGH

Have you ever been on a hidden camera show?

-THEY LAUGH

-No, don't tell me!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

We caught you!

You guys are brilliant!

We're filming for BBC1. You've just been...

THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

Well, that's all the top secret missions we have time for.

So, what have we learned?

Well, we've learned that weddings are not necessarily

the best day of EVERYONE'S lives,

and it's no lie that lying lie detectors can lie,

and that's the truth. Or is it? No, I'm lying.

And we've also learned that if Bill Oddie is in your garden,

you have every reason to be suspicious. Case closed.

But let's not forget, ladies and gentlemen, please,

to give a massive round of applause to the real stars of this show.

LIFT PINGS APPLAUSE

Thank you! So sorry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Till next time, citizens...sorry!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd